Heart
by RainbowDiamonds
Summary: Kendall Knight has too much heart. James Diamond doesn't have enough. When Logan Mitchell comes into their lives, they both learn the true meaning of the word. But what about the mystery man each of them can't stop thinking about? And who will suffer the fallout when the truth comes to light? Kendall/James/Logan. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So I decided to go with the teachers idea for my next story. Thanks again to you guys who let me know what you wanted, and I'm pretty sure the other two ideas aren't going to just disappear. Ideas have a way of popping back up when you least expect it, as this story proves. I was really struggling with this so I decided to post the first chapter in order to get feedback because that always helps clear my head and motivates me.

IMPORTANT: For those of you who read my story "A New Path", some of this will feel like _deja vu._ There's a reason for that. I first started this story six years ago. I felt like it was going nowhere, so I abandoned it until last year, when it came back to haunt me. After reading the 30 pages I'd written, I decided to take pieces of it and form something completely new. That story became "A New Path." This one came back to haunt me again recently and I blame EpicallyObsessed for that because "Back To You" features James as a teacher and it made me remember this story. So we talked a little about it and I opened it again and suddenly felt the need to see it through. And here we are.

The similarities only exist in the first two chapters. I promise it goes in an entirely different direction. We do have a Kendall that can no longer play hockey, and we also have a James who competes on the show "National Pop Star." But in this story, the show is modeled after "American Idol" with celebrity judges and no coaches, and James and Kendall did not grow up together. We also have James, Logan, and Kendall as high school teachers, which was the main reason I dug this out of the basement.

I dedicate this to my wonderful, awesome beta (who really wanted me to finish this story) and to EpicallyObsessed because it wouldn't have happened if not for the beautiful Kames in "Back To You." Thanks to anyone else who might be reading this! :D

And here we go!

# #

The news broke immediately on the Internet, even those who were unable to watch live knowing right away that James Diamond's lifelong dream of winning "National Pop Star" had been yanked unceremoniously out from under his feet by a man who paled drastically in comparison when it came to talent. James managed to hold up well for the cameras, his easy fake smile suddenly his best friend as he hugged the man who stood between him and his dreams.

There was nothing wrong with Justin, per se, he just wasn't pop star material. Unfortunately, the majority of America (as well as the three celebrity judges) disagreed. Justin was crowned this year's "Pop Star" and James was led backstage, where he held on until he was finally alone in the car with his mother, who was already threatening a lawsuit because "Those people are blind and stupid. Nobody's better than my boy! Nobody breaks my son's heart!"

James himself was too stunned to cry or even rage the way his mother was. He just didn't understand. For weeks he'd been in the lead; it had seemed a sure thing. He had it all going for him—the perfect pop star look, the voice that showed off his natural talent, even dance moves that got the girls screaming with every shake of his hips. He'd been so confident, had no doubt that in the end it would be him up there receiving the accolades and standing in the spotlight with a million camera flashes aimed his way.

Instead it had been Justin, who was a nice enough guy but didn't have the perfectly-styled hair that was highlighted just right; he didn't have hazel eyes that girls found dreamy when they were more green than brown, depending on his mood or the lighting or his clothing choices. Justin didn't even have the bright smile that made the girls swoon. Justin was...well...pretty damn boring, in James' opinion. Sure, he could sing, but what was that in comparison to James Fucking Diamond?

The first words James was able to utter aloud broke free as the car was pulling into the parking lot of their hotel. She was on her cell phone next to him in the backseat and ranting to her lawyer, who knew enough to let her ramble before attempting to reply, when James asked softly, "What's so wrong with me?"

"Hold on, Jonathan. What was that, darling?"

Shifting slightly in his seat to raise sad eyes to his mother, James said, "What does he have that I don't?"

"Nothing, James. That boy has nothing. You deserved to win and when Jonathan is done with those people, they'll—what?!" Attention back on her phone, Brooke screamed, "What do you mean there's nothing you can do?! Those people need to pay! They broke my son's heart!"

The tears started then, James not fighting them as they rolled down his cheeks. The word echoed in his mind, bringing to the surface something he'd heard the judges say more than once to Justin. "You have such heart," they'd said, all three of them at different times. Justin had heart. James had never quite understood what they'd meant by it; he'd in fact snorted the first time it had been said, thinking the judge needed something nice to say and had been grasping at straws.

What was heart? James had plenty of heart; he knew that because his was broken right now. He still didn't understand as his shoulders shook with sobs and his mother raged next to him.

What in the world was heart, and where could he find his?

* * *

James spent much of the following year doing press and touring with the "National Pop Star" team. He was contracted to do it, and his mother pushed the idea that this wasn't the end for him, that he could still make it big as a star—all it would take is a record company offering him an album deal, and the rest would be history. He didn't need a stupid television show to become famous.

James felt differently, though. He was semi-famous now, but that would fade, and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. What bothered him most was being second best. James Diamond was _the best_. Or at least he always had been. Suddenly he wasn't, and there had to be a reason for it. Forget the majority of America, those judges knew their business; if they didn't feel James was the best, then it had to be true. There was no other explanation.

James was, in fact, offered a record deal. It was a small company, nothing grand and prestigious, but even so they would help him get his voice out there. They would even provide songs for him to sing, because James was a performer; he wasn't a writer. He'd never put pen to paper and expressed anything in his life outside of schoolwork.

The realization of that hit him hard, that nothing he'd done had come from his heart or mind. He'd been an outlet for the ideas of others. And for that reason, he turned down the offer. His mother informed him that he was insane and probably stupid as well, that he was letting opportunity pass him by, but James understood what his mother didn't.

His heart wasn't in it.

It hadn't been from the start. He'd wanted to be famous. He'd wanted adoring fans. He'd wanted everything that came with the fame, all of the excitement and perks and fun, but perhaps he'd wanted it for the wrong reasons. He and Justin hadn't bonded much over the course of their "Pop Star" adventure, but James knew that Justin had a girlfriend back home who suffered a disease of some sort, knew that Justin's father's dying wish had been to see his son realize his dream of inspiring others through music. When Justin sang those songs, he had someone to sing them to and about. He sang from the heart, sang with emotion and conviction. He'd experienced love, experienced heartbreak, experienced...life.

James had never been in love. He'd never really cared to date, spending most of his free time in vocal classes and dance classes and even acting classes. What wasn't taken up with those and the homework he was forced to do, he spent perfecting his look and his walk. Girls were foreign to him, no matter how many fell over themselves to talk to him. He gave them his perfect smile, perhaps a flirty word here and there, but discouraged any kind of lasting encounter. He didn't need friends. He didn't need girlfriends. All of that would come later, with the fame.

But the fame didn't come. Strangely enough, suffering his first real heartbreak resulted in him picking up a pen and notebook to write a few lines, and before he knew it, he had a song. It pissed him off, the idea that he'd had an opportunity and lost it only to finally understand what had been missing all that time. What was there to live for now?

For the first time in his life, James wished he had a father. He _had_ one, somewhere in the world, but the man who'd given life to James hadn't wanted to stick around long enough to meet him; for his entire life it had been James and his mother. While his mother was supportive and encouraging (if a bit overbearing at times), she didn't seem to understand what he was feeling. Perhaps this was because James had never really expressed himself to her other than telling her what he wanted and needed. He'd never simply sat down with her and said, "You know, I'm feeling like this right now." It just wasn't something they did. Feelings were treated as a weakness, and so now when he needed someone to talk to about them, there was no one. James' heart was suddenly overflowing and there was nothing to catch the deluge.

Frustrated with himself and his situation, he reached out to the person who had told him that while he was talented and gifted in so many ways, he was missing that one essential quality that would complete him. At the time he'd mentally rolled his eyes, thinking it didn't matter what this particular judge said because there were two others who still believed he had it all, but now he wished he'd done so. Nervous, he put in a phone call to someone who could put them in contact. It was the next day before James finally heard back, unsure what to say when he answered the call to hear the aging rock star's voice on the line.

"James, there's nothing I can do. The decision's been made and it's all in the past."

"No, I know, I get it," James replied, fidgeting in the lush chair he'd sunk into.

"And I can't help you get a record deal, either. Don't even ask."

"I'm not, that's not why I called, I just..."

Something in James' voice must've caught his attention, because his next question was, "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm...I mean...no, not really. I'm just trying to understand. I thought I had it, you know?"

"I know you did. That much was obvious to the entire world."

"Is it wrong to be confident?"

"No, James, of course not, but there's a lot to be said for humility, as well. I admit that I was pretty damn cocky when I was your age, but it worked for the style of music and the era. Things are different now, society's values have evolved. Now that I've lived through so much shit, I can look back and see what a prick I was. I actually have some regrets. I didn't want you to make the same mistakes."

"But isn't that my choice to make?"

"James..." He sighed, James picturing him rubbing a hand over his weathered face. "You're not ready. I'm sorry."

"But what is it I'm missing? You never told me."

"It's...not just one thing. There are a lot of things, but I guess they can all be summed up in one word."

"Heart," James said softly. "Right?"

"Yes. You haven't lived yet. Sometimes I would watch you singing up there and think you reminded me a Barbie doll fresh from the package. In perfect condition, unmarred by the child who would mess up your hair and chew on your legs and toss you to the ground for the dog to play with. You were perfect on the outside, but inside you were plastic. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the image you put out. There's only so much you can learn from training and practice. Sometimes you have to just get out there and live."

"But I'm a kid! How much am I supposed to have lived through?"

"Look around you, buddy. What have your friends been through? What about the other contestants? They have experiences to draw from, they've felt the emotions they sing about. How many love songs did you perform in front of me?"

"A ton."

"And each time you weren't really feeling it. You've never been in love, have you?"

"Not...I mean..."

"No. The answer is no. Until you get out there and live, you'll have nothing to draw on. It's like you were raised in this bubble, everything you needed at your fingertips so you didn't have to work for it."

"Bullshit. I worked hard to get where I was."

"You did, but...James, that's all you did. There was nothing else in your life, was there? Just the dream of fame."

"Why is that so wrong?"

"Because it's not enough. Ten years from now you might try again and end up taking it all the way. Obviously not on the T.V. show, but on your own and with experiences to get you there. Until then...you're going to stay where you're at. I'm sorry."

James leaned back and closed his eyes, tears fighting to get past the lids. "How?" he whispered. "How do I live?"

"Maybe just be normal for a change? Look around you, see what's out there. Get to know people, fall in love, have your heart broken a few times."

"I'd rather not."

"Then experience the joy. Let your heart guide you, listen to it for once. Discover what you like and what makes you happy, make some mistakes and learn from them. Get a job."

That made James chuckle. He'd sworn that would be something he'd never have to do. "I have no skills. All I know how to do is sing and dance. And act some."

"Then get a job doing those things."

"Oh, so I can end up on another show and get shot down because I have no heart? No thanks."

"There are other places you can use those talents. Why not teach? Put your skills to use to help others."

"Hello, I'm too young to be a teacher. I barely made it through high school as it is. How am I supposed to get a job teaching anyone anything?"

"Volunteer somewhere. Become a teacher's aide. It doesn't really matter where you work, James, just get out there and meet people, learn the joy that comes from inspiring others."

It seemed an impossible dream to James, whose people skills were extremely lacking. He wasn't known for inspiring anyone to anything other than jealousy or anger. "I don't even know where to start. Help me."

The silence stretched so long James was afraid he'd hung up, but then he said, "You live in Minnesota, right?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I know a guy. The man who got me started, actually. He heads up the music and drama department of my old high school. Let me see if he could use a volunteer or maybe knows someone else who can. You willing to move?"

"Um...y-yeah. Money's not an issue, it's just..."

"What?"

"I...my mom. I don't think she'd allow it."

"James Diamond, do you want to find your heart or not?"

"Yes!"

"Then you have to take a risk. Are you willing to move?"

"I..." James glanced around at the living room he'd been raised in, the television where he'd watched his idols and dreamed of one day being as famous as them. He didn't want to give up his dream, but maybe he didn't have to; maybe putting it on hold for a few years was the answer.

"James? Now or never."

"Yes," he answered with conviction. "I'm ready to live."

* * *

Two weeks later James was set up in a furnished apartment of his very own in St. Paul, Minnesota. His mother had insisted he get a two-bedroom so she could come stay with him occasionally, and since she was the one paying for the place, he couldn't really argue. James' only demand was a walk-in closet for his massive wardrobe, and his mother made that happen. He stocked the freezer with dinners that could be heated in the microwave, having no culinary skills whatsoever and figuring he'd eat out most of the time anyway.

He was terrified, he was lost, but there was a part of him that was excited as well. For the first time he could make his own decisions, eat when he wanted, go where he chose to (a license and a car were definitely on his list of things to acquire), sit around in his boxers if he felt the urge. His mother stayed with him for two days before having to return to her job, James scared but ready.

He met with Thomas the day before he was to start at the school, learning then that while he was to be titled an aide, he would in essence be running the drama classes on his own. James panicked, explaining to Thomas that he had no experience other than his own unsuccessful attempts at fame, but Thomas only laughed and said, "No better way to gain experience than to be thrown into the fire." When James started to hyperventilate, Thomas rested a hand on his shoulder. "James. Relax. I'm not going to leave you completely alone, I do care about my students. I want to see what you can do, though. Rob thinks you have what it takes, and I trust his opinion."

James blinked in surprise, as he'd had no idea the "Pop Star" judge had any faith in him at all. "Rob...he does? He said I can handle it?"

"He did. He also said the best way to teach you was to toss you in, force you to sink or swim. You're not too long out of high school, so you know how those kids are. They'll eat you alive if you let them."

"You'll be there though, right? You're not just gonna...shove me in and run."

"We'll see," Thomas replied, eyes twinkling. "Better get your battle armor ready."

One thing James Diamond knew how to do was protect himself. The following day he dressed carefully, making sure he looked his best because that was the armor he threw up at all times. If you looked good, you could handle anything. Or so his mother had always said.

The school's principal had a long discussion with him about rules and integrity and standards, James tuning out a lot of it but nervous again when he was shown to the teachers' lounge and introduced to the staff members scattered around it. They greeted him warmly, many of them recognizing him from his stint on "National Pop Star" and one middle-aged math teacher even turning red and giggling over him, and James knew then he'd be okay. He may not have won, but he was admired anyway and it boosted up the natural confidence he carried with him under that armor.

There was one guy, though, that stared back at his fake smile with what might almost be called disdain. The young man sat at a corner table with a textbook open in front of him, a notebook to its right and a pen clutched in his hand. Upon being noticed, the teacher shifted his eyes back to the textbook, but the tips of his ears turned pink—it could either be embarrassment or anger. Judging from the way the clean-cut guy had looked at him, James feared it to be the latter. It was too bad, really, as James could've used someone close to his age as a friend. He sighed and let that idea go, faking that smile for the principal again before being led out of the room and toward his classroom.

There was one very valuable thing the unfriendly young man had taught him, though—when he decided to start dating, it would be a man; now that his eyes were open, he was noticing all kinds of things he hadn't before. He itched to know what it felt like to run his fingers through that dark hair. He wondered what the guy's face might look like with a smile on it. Would those brown eyes twinkle with amusement?

He was one step closer to finding his heart.

* * *

Logan Mitchell set down his insulated lunch box on the corner table and unpacked it before adding a paperback book to the mix. He was not at all surprised when Susan sat across from him, though he would've preferred solitude. His car and his classroom provided that, but what they didn't have to offer was a microwave. After heating up his leftovers from the night before, Logan rejoined Susan with a polite smile, praying she wouldn't be in the mood to talk today.

He didn't really mind Susan, who was a fellow teacher from the math department. At least she was capable of intelligent conversation. What drove him insane were the days when Mary, one of the English teachers and Susan's best friend, joined them and the two gossiped like magpies. Maybe today he'd get lucky and Mary would sit with the history teacher she'd been hoping to date.

No such luck. Mary greeted Logan enthusiastically before turning her attention to Susan, and then they were off—in hushed voices they dove into the topic of conversation on everyone's lips today, the arrival of James Diamond in their midst.

It would've surprised most of his co-workers to know that Logan had in fact watched the previous season of "National Pop Star." His mother was a fanatic of the show and insisted he keep up with it so she had someone to discuss it with. He'd seen Diamond's performances and decided the first week that though the man was gorgeous, there was something missing. When it got down to the final two, he'd rooted hard for Justin and wasn't disappointed. His mother, on the other hand...

"But I don't get it, James has everything! You see it, right? I mean, you're gay, you have to see it!"

"I agree that he's hot."

"But his talent!"

"And talented."

"So how in the world could he have lost? Logan, were you voting for Justin every week?"

"I told you I was, Mom. I'm sorry, the guy just...I don't know. There's something off about him."

"Stop it, you've always had issues with gorgeous guys. What is it about them you don't like?"

"Nothing! It's not his looks, it's his...I can't explain it. He's just so full of himself. How do you not see that?"

"It's called confidence, which is something I've been telling you for years you need to work on. You hate beautiful men because you feel like you could never measure up to them, is that it? Logan, I wish you could see what I see, you're such a handsome young man and I know the genius thing intimidates a lot of people but you're also funny and if you'd just have more faith in yourself, you'd be out dating and—"

"I'm hanging up now."

"Sweetheart, please hear me out."

"Mom, I'm not interested in dating. My career is enough."

"For now, maybe. But fine, I'll back off. One day the man of your dreams will walk into a room and you'll just know. Just promise me that when that happens, you'll go for it!"

"Am I in charge of dessert for tomorrow night? How does cherry pie sound?"

At that point Logan's mother had given up, but it was a theme she returned to whenever she could. He knew her heart was in the right place and she wanted to see him happy, but she didn't understand just _how_ intimidating the genius thing was. Things might be going well and then the second Logan shared that he'd graduated high school at fourteen and gotten his master's degrees in both mathematics and physics at the age of eighteen (along with his degree in education), he was either seen as a nerd or someone that was "too smart for a normal guy like me." Every date ended the same way, without a follow-up.

Though there _had_ been that time he'd kept the information to himself and scored a second date, only to end it early because he couldn't keep up the pretense of being average. It just felt wrong, and he wanted to be with someone who liked him for him. After that he'd stopped dating entirely, hoping his mother was right and that one day, the man of his dreams would just walk into a room and he'd know.

Today wasn't that day, though. The only person out of the ordinary to walk into the lounge was Diamond, and that much Logan didn't even see himself. He knew without looking over because Susan's face lit up. Logan had suffered through ten minutes of listening to Susan gossip with Mary about how gorgeous Diamond was and all of their musings on his relationship status. In the end they'd decided he couldn't be attached, not if he was so new to the area. Mary suggested he might have a girlfriend back home, but Susan felt it would've been mentioned by the media when he was a "National Pop Star" hopeful.

Logan didn't particularly care either way. There was no question about Diamond's sexuality, so even if Logan had been interested it wouldn't have mattered. His stuck-up attitude only added to Logan's lack of interest.

"James! Hi! Over here!"

Barely refraining from rolling his eyes, Logan didn't look up as Diamond took a chair to the left of him, leaving one empty seat between them. Mary had rushed off to finish up preparations for her next class, and Susan was beside herself with excitement at having Diamond's sole attention.

"Mary, right?" James began, and Logan choked on a laugh, turning it into a coughing fit.

"You okay?" Susan asked in concern, and Logan couldn't hold back a teasing reply.

"Fine. Thanks, _Mary_."

She waved a hand at Logan like it was no big deal. Who cared if James had messed up her name? "It's actually Susan," she smiled. "Mary is the English teacher you met in the office."

"Oh," James replied, cheeks red. "There are so many of you, I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

She patted his hand, Logan catching it out of the corner of his eye and ready to puke. What was the big deal? Yeah, Diamond was hot, but was that really worth falling all over yourself for?

"We didn't really get a chance to talk yesterday, James, how did you end up here? Surely you had offers for a recording contract!"

"Oh, of course I did," James replied. "I just felt like taking a break from it all for a while, you know? The school needed me, how could I say no?"

Out of the corner of his eye Logan watched James unwrap two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before digging out carrot sticks and a pudding cup. He looked down at the remains of his own pizza, celery with peanut butter, and yogurt. James was definitely a bachelor.

Not that Logan cared.

Susan seemed to melt. "That's so sweet of you to lend a hand when you could be focusing on your own career. I heard you're a friend of Thomas'?"

"Friend of a friend, actually." He tore into the bread-covered gooey mess, reaching for a drink that wasn't there. "Damn," he said under his breath.

"What's wrong?" Susan asked.

"Nothing." He took another bite before looking into his bag, face falling. With a sigh James returned the pudding cup to it.

"So how's it been so far? The kids going easy on you?"

"It's been great," James smiled. "They all know who I am so they actually listen when I speak. The choir is good, but the drama team needs some work. I met a lot of them in my classes yesterday. A few are full of themselves, but that won't last."

Logan snorted once again, pounding his chest immediately as if his food went down the wrong pipe.

"Dude, seriously, are you okay?" James questioned. "There's a nurse if you need one."

"Fine," Logan replied shortly. "Lost my appetite anyway."

"Damn, is it already that late?" Susan sighed and stood up with her tray. "I have to get going, James. It was nice to run into you again."

"You too, Mary. Shit. I mean Susan."

With a last smile she was gone, leaving them alone at the table. Logan hurriedly packed his belongings.

"Is there a vending machine in here?" James asked suddenly.

"Yes, but it only takes coins right now. The bills are jammed."

"Of course." Standing up, James turned away to check his pockets.

Logan spied the extra bottle of water he always packed for the afternoon in his insulated lunch bag. He sighed when he heard James mutter again before reaching into his other pocket.

Defeated by the lack of change, James returned to his seat to find himself alone. Trying not to let it bother him that the cute nerd so obviously hated him, he picked up his sandwich again before noticing a cold, unopened bottle of water pushed up against his bag of carrots. A plastic spoon had also appeared out of nowhere.

He stood up and spun around quickly but the nerd was gone. It gave him a tiny spark of hope anyway, and he smiled as he cracked open the pudding cup.

* * *

James might've been exaggerating about how well the students listened to him. While there were in fact quite a few who recognized him and idolized him for his stint on "National Pop Star", there were also those who understood that James had lost for a reason—he simply wasn't good enough. One of his students even had the nerve to state he'd voted for Justin every week. James took it in stride, sassing him right back, and in doing so gained a tiny smidge of respect.

In choir there was no issue at all; James had a golden voice and knew it, had trained enough with it to be able to give the same advice and encouragement to others. Thomas stood at his side the first day, showing James what they were currently practicing for and the additional songs that needed to be learned in time for the fall event being put on by the performing arts department. The second day Thomas put James in charge, watching him and giving only a few words of advice after class.

Drama was what James found to be a challenge. His own acting wasn't the problem and he had plenty of knowledge to pass on, but even those who loved him had never seen him act (as far as they knew, at least—he'd certainly been acting when Justin was announced the winner of the show) and didn't know if he had it in him. Then there were the girls who squealed over him in class, distracting him and everyone else. Never had James Diamond imagined that attention would be an annoyance.

James stood near the front during the second day of drama classes, listening to Thomas teach about the history of the art and learning quite a bit himself. He knew this was the boring but necessary part of it all and could see it on the faces of the students, that this wasn't at all what they'd imagined drama class to be. He was more of a help when the students were asked to pair up and read bits of a script, the exercise intended to show that the same words could be interpreted in many ways and it was important to understand the context and meaning behind the material.

It was after school that James' opinions were put to use. The fall play had been decided and tryouts were under way, James sitting at Thomas' side and debating each hopeful who auditioned. He was able to give the perspective of the students, being young himself, while Thomas looked at it from a more practiced eye. Together they decided on a few candidates for the leads, waiting for the following day to see the rest of the students and make final decisions about everyone else.

What James was dreading most of all about the new job was the academic part of the whole thing; he was a performer, not a teacher. Parent/teacher conferences, having to give out grades and come up with assignments and homework, even staff meetings...the thought of all of it terrified him. He hadn't even been good enough to win a contest, how was he supposed to produce students who could make it in the real world? It was scary to him, knowing that something he said could affect the future of a teenager. He was a teenager himself! Adults still intimidated him.

Well, he'd just have to act his way through it all, especially the after-school staff meeting the principal had called in the auditorium to discuss some new testing process that would probably make no sense to him. Rob had really thought he could do this?

James purposely arrived three minutes late, hoping he could slip into the back row unnoticed and keep to himself. Luckily there was only one other occupant of said row when he reached it, James having no choice but to take the aisle seat since the other teacher had parked himself three seats in. He didn't like that there was only one empty spot between them, but when he peeked over and noted it was the cute nerd from lunch, James relaxed.

It wasn't like the guy was going to try to talk to him or anything.

* * *

Logan stiffened when the new guy settled in two seats over. He'd purposely chosen the back row, as he always did, to avoid dealing with anyone else. This guy would be attracting attention, though, and Logan would once again get caught in the crossfire. Lunch had been bad enough; he didn't need to sit here in this crowded room any longer than necessary.

 _Ignore him. Just pretend you don't see him and maybe he'll do the same._

That worked well until handouts were passed around and James had to offer him one. Logan took it with a polite nod and immediately focused on the paperwork, already bored and wishing he was home grading papers. Once that was done, maybe he'd order some Chinese and watch the documentary on supernovas he'd recorded the night before. Or perhaps this was the night he'd finally pass the level of his new video game he'd been stuck on for a week. Or maybe he'd—

A folded sheet of notebook paper dropped onto the handout that was draped over Logan's lap. He frowned and unfolded it.

" _Are these things always this boring?"_

The diva. It had to have come from the diva. Logan resisted the urge to glance to his left and wondered how to deal with this. Ignore it? Respond? But what would he say?

He finally scribbled one word underneath the question that headed the top of the ruled sheet of otherwise blank paper.

" _Usually."_

Rather than toss it, as the diva had, Logan extended his arm until Diamond took the note. Things returned to normal for thirty seconds, then the paper was back on his lap.

" _How do you stand this?"_

Logan sighed, trying to be patient and keeping in mind that the guy was just bored. Certainly nothing else would have caused him to reach out and communicate.

" _Sometimes I actually listen. Other times I grade papers or think about what I'm going to do once I get out of here."_

The note was passed back, Diamond taking it quickly. Logan refused to look over, even though part of him was curious to see the man's face as he read it. Soon enough, he had a reply.

" _What is it today?"_

Why the did guy care?

 _He's bored, Logan. That's why. Just humor him. It's something to do until you're free, anyway._

He considered what to write, then jotted down his answer.

" _Today I'm thinking about Chinese food and television. Maybe a game later."_

This time he did look over to gauge Diamond's reaction, surprised when the dude's face lit up. His next line seemed to be written with excitement.

" _Football? Hockey? I'm a huge hockey fan!"_

Logan almost choked when he read the reply. Of course the guy would assume he meant sports. Didn't every guy?

Then again, Logan wouldn't have guessed a pretty boy like James to be into something as manly as hockey. He scribbled another answer.

" _Video. I'm not much into sports."_

Their note-passing seemed to go faster after that.

" _You're missing out. Hockey's intense."_

" _I'll trust you."_

" _Have you ever been to a game?"_

" _I was forced to watch one on a date once. I wasn't impressed."_

" _That's because it wasn't in person. Trust me, it's totally different. You need to go to an actual NHL game. You'd have fun."_

" _Doubt it."_

" _Just try it sometime."_

" _What if I told you that about a documentary on supernovas? Would that make you want to watch it?"_

This answer was longer in coming. When Logan finally read it, though, the words surprised him.

" _If you find it interesting, there must be a reason. I'd give it a shot."_

" _You're just saying that."_

" _I'm not. Name the time and place. But you have to go to a hockey game, too. It's only fair."_

Logan blinked at the note, which in essence was...an invitation? Diamond couldn't be serious. When he looked over, he was met with a challenging expression that silently said, "I dare you."

As a rule, Logan didn't take dares. He thought the idea of them ridiculous, some macho move to prove your masculinity (or stupidity) by doing something idiotic. He had no idea why Diamond was so determined to get him to a hockey game and was honestly afraid to find out. It was so much easier to think of the guy as a stuck-up diva and leave it at that.

There couldn't be a heart buried under all the blustery confidence, could there?

* * *

James sat through most of the meeting dejected. There had been no answer to his last note, where he'd foolishly pushed it too far by asking the nerd for...what, exactly? He didn't even know. All he knew was that the kind gesture in the staff room earlier had touched him, and he wanted to see what else lay beneath the guy's stony exterior.

Eventually the meeting seemed to be wrapping up, so James reached over for the paper and wrote one more thing. If nothing else, maybe he could at least end their interaction on a nice note.

" _Thanks for the water and spoon earlier. I was a little frazzled this morning with the new job and all."_

The principal excused everyone, James looking up at the sudden chaos of people anxious to get out of the room. He quickly passed the note over before the nerd could get away, mentally closing that door and trying not to be disappointed about it. It would've been nice to have a friend in all this mess.

James had made it all the way through the lobby and down the front steps of the school before something was pressed into his hand. He looked down in surprise, then up again to see the nerd slipping easily through the rest of the crowd and toward the staff parking lot. Realizing that he was causing a traffic jam by standing in place, James moved aside and leaned against a tree to unfold the note.

" _645 Woodfield Road. 6:00. If you don't like orange chicken, pick something up on the way. Don't be late or I'll mark you tardy."_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

A few notes this time. This chapter mostly introduces Kendall's backstory, and you learn how James and Logan are faring a year later.

My beta mentioned that she wanted to know what happened to the dog (this will make sense when you get there), so just know that the dog was safely reunited with its owner and both were very happy about that.

Also, EpicallyObsessed, when I said you'd like Jake, it was actually Coach I was thinking of. I'm blaming exhaustion for that mix-up.

Lastly, I just want to thank my beta, the Guest who never signs in but always says such nice things, Side1ways, annabellex2, and EpicallyObsessed for encouraging me on this one (and all of them, really). I was having a hard time figuring out where this story was going and just like I hoped, posting and reading your reviews was exactly what I needed. I now know how it's going to end up and have mostly figured out how it's going to get there. So thanks all of you for your awesome feedback, it really does keep me going. :)

* * *

 **ONE YEAR LATER**

Kendall Knight was six years old when he played his first hockey game. He decided then and there that it would be his life's calling, that he would grow up to be the best hockey player in the whole wide world.

As he aged that dream didn't die, but the struggle to achieve it became tougher. School got in the way of practice time, puberty caused him a lot of unwanted grief as he grew into a gawky teenager and eventually passed that stage to settle into a tall but lean young man, and then there was the constant urging from his mother to "do something besides hockey with your life. Don't you want a girlfriend at some point?"

He didn't, though; girls weren't interesting to him in the slightest, and if he'd paused in his pursuit of the hockey dream long enough to think about that it might've clued him in that he was different in that aspect. He didn't pause, never took his eyes off the prize, and when he was wooed by no less than five universities for a hockey scholarship, Kendall knew it had all been worth it. His coach sat down with him to discuss his options, reminding him that if he chose to go for the National Hockey League rather than a university, he would undoubtedly be considered the top draft pick. The question was, did he want to go straight into the NHL or get a few years of college under his belt before taking that step?

For Kendall, it was a no-brainer. His dream was just over the horizon and nothing would stop him.

Kendall was indeed the top pick, unable to believe his luck when it fell to his favorite team, the Minnesota Wild, to get first choice. He was snatched up in a heartbeat, walking on air for weeks before packing his bags for the move to Des Moines, Iowa, where he would join the Iowa Wild for his official training and when they were ready for him, he would be moved into Minnesota's rotation. Kendall was assured it wouldn't be more than a season before he'd be on the ice with the "real" team, and in the meantime he honed his skills and made a few friends, but none that took his focus off the prize. He was on the verge of a long career doing what he loved most.

The only thing to put a damper on his spirits was Lance. Lance was also on the farm team and insanely jealous of the attention Kendall was shown, complaining to anyone who would listen that it wasn't fair Kendall was fawned over. They were all talented, what made Kendall so special?

Someone once told Lance it was because of Kendall's heart; his heart was in the game. He had a fire that was rare among athletes in a time where many were in it for the fame and money. It was about more than just drive, it was passion. Kendall had that passion and it radiated from him in everything he did. He was also just a plain old nice guy, liked by everyone, and someone the league could be proud to call their own. Kendall Knight had it all.

It was that heart, however, that was his downfall. Walking back home after a practice session one night, Kendall was just in time to save a little girl from being struck by a car. She had run across the street upon seeing her lost puppy, having been out looking for it with her mother. Kendall saw it in slow motion, could envision the child flying into the air as the vehicle struck her. Without a second thought, he dove into the street and pushed her out of the way, immediately being struck himself and thrown into opposing traffic. His body was tossed like seaweed in the ocean, the doctors later amazed that all he'd ended up damaging beyond repair was his left leg, which would have to be amputated below the knee.

Everyone said he was lucky. The mother of the child he'd saved came to his bedside and cried, thanking him profusely for his selfless act, and Kendall didn't regret it. He couldn't, he'd saved a life.

Yet in doing so, he'd lost his own. Hockey was all he'd ever known, it was all he'd ever loved. He didn't feel lucky—didn't feel anything, really, for months after the accident.

After a year of depression, his mother finally yelled at him that he needed to move on and find a new purpose in life. What other purpose could there be, though? Hockey was where his heart resided.

Where could he possibly find a new home for his heart?

* * *

It was Kendall's mother who in fact convinced him that he didn't have to live without hockey. He couldn't see joy in a career doing anything other than playing for the NHL, but his mother reminded him that the pro circuit is the final destination; there were many roads that led to that end. She suggested he talk to Coach Teague from his high school for advice on the matter.

Initially shooting down the idea, Kendall tried to forget about it but of course it seeped into his mind late at night when he laid in bed with his stump aching from the day's activities. He'd begun to pack on pounds a few months after the accident, eating junk food mostly from depression and having no outlet to work it off. He'd discussed adding some kind of workout to his physical therapy, but the therapist could only do so much. He suggested Kendall join a gym.

At first Kendall scoffed; he didn't even like going out in public, embarrassed by his prosthetic leg extension. His mother helped him get past that eventually, stating that he couldn't hide forever, and his sister Katie's teasing remarks actually encouraged him because she pissed him off enough to prove her wrong—as she'd known he would. Together Katie and Mrs. Knight did more good for him than his sports psychologist because they knew him best, and after six months he ventured out to a gym for the first time. It was hell getting his muscles to work again, but Kendall was nothing if not persistent, and six months after _that_ he found the courage to take his mother's advice.

Kendall Knight was ready to live again.

What Kendall discovered during that fateful lunch date with his former coach was that the man was planning to retire. He'd been locked into another year that he didn't want to finish out because the district needed him and had been unable to find a replacement, promising to spend the following school year scouting for one. So far there had been no luck and Coach Teague had nightmares of being stuck at the school for another ten years. Kendall laughingly joked that he was perfect for the job, except for the fact that he was missing half a leg and had no degree.

Coach Teague, on the other hand, didn't laugh at the idea. He actually considered it and decided Kendall was, in fact, perfect for the job.

"Coach, are you crazy? They can't hire me, I don't have a teaching degree. Even if I did, you can't coach a team if you can't even skate."

"Says who? How often do I lace up, Kendall? I do my best work from the sidelines because real coaching comes from up here." He pointed a finger at his head before continuing. "And here." He shoved a finger across the table and into Kendall's chest. "You've got the head and you've got the heart. Plus, a lot of the kids on the team still remember you. You'd have automatic respect."

"Coach...no. Look at me. I'm a joke."

"You are still the same young man who looked at me the first time we met and said you were going to be the best hockey player in the whole wide world. You still have that fire, I know you do."

Kendall chuckled, shaking his head. "I was six, Coach."

"But you knew it then and nothing stopped you. Your dedication was like nothing I've ever seen. Do you know how many kids I've coached? Of all ages?"

"I always considered myself lucky that you got transferred whenever I did. When I got to junior high, you took the job there after peewee. Then I moved on to high school and you were there, too. I don't think I would've made it as far without you."

"Kendall, Kendall, Kendall." Teague sighed and flagged down the waitress for a refill on his coffee. "Haven't you figured out yet that it was no accident? I went where you did. I saw a future in you and knew what you needed to do to get there."

"Coach...that's impossible. How...I mean..."

"The superintendent of the district is my best friend. You know that. He made it happen for me. And I bet he could work a miracle in your case, too."

Kendall gaped across the table. "You're serious. He got you the jobs."

"All of them. He's old like me, won't be around much longer. He told me if the state ever looked into my background he'd play dumb and I was fine with that. Obviously it never happened. Seven years of teaching and I have no regrets."

"Oh my god. Coach...all that work, all those years you put into me and it was for nothing."

"Nothing? Kendall, don't ever say that. Because of you a little girl is alive. When I went to see you at the hospital once, the mother told me her daughter wants to grow up to be a doctor and save lives because hers was saved. Think of all the lives you saved by extension. I know this has been hard on you; hockey is the only thing you ever cared about, but don't say the training and coaching was for nothing. You were where God wanted you."

Though Kendall couldn't argue any of that, he still felt Coach Teague's teaching career had been in vain and somehow that made him feel indebted to the man. "I'm sure the school wouldn't want a coach with my handicap in the athletics department. You know how big they are on winning and if the team sucked, they'd blame it on that and get rid of me the second your buddy was gone."

"To be honest, the team sucks now. We've only won a few games, and that was mostly luck."

Kendall's eyes bugged out. "What? But we were the best! Nobody could beat us!"

"With you on the team, yes. I'm telling you, it's more than skill that makes a team succeed. Your passion drove everyone to try harder, to want to win. You have no idea what a natural leader you are, how many of those guys you boosted up every day. The team needs someone like you. I can only do so much."

Kendall was silent, thoughts spinning. Was it possible? Did he have it in him to inspire a team when he could hardly find inspiration for himself?

"I'll tell you what, Kendall. Give it some thought. I'm tired. I need a break. Let me talk it over with Jake, see if this is something he'd be willing to do. Will you think about it?"

As if Kendall would be able to think about anything else. Now that the idea had taken hold, it was hard to drop. His mother told him he needed a purpose, something to live for. What better than a hockey team?

"I...let me know. I'll think about it."

"Great! I know Jake would love for me to slow down. The idiot worries about me," Teague said fondly.

Something in the tone had Kendall's head tilting as he studied the man. Coach Teague smiled at Kendall. "I don't suppose there was anyone special in your life before all this happened? Or even now?"

Slowly shaking his head, Kendall replied, "There was never time."

"You've got time now. Don't let life pass you by, Kendall. There's more to it than hockey, you know. Find something else to put your heart into, because nothing brings you joy like love does. Not even hockey."

Uncomfortable, Kendall looked away. He hadn't given thought to romance in...well, ever. Girls were boring. Guys were...okay, so there _had_ been some hot ones, Kendall could admit that much, but he'd never wanted to take it past that. He figured there would be time for that later in life.

What fate had taught him, though, is that there may not always be a later. Life was full of surprises, not all of them welcome. What if he died tomorrow and never knew love? Never knew what it felt like to have his heart flutter just from a smile? He'd rolled his eyes at notions like that for as long as he could remember, but he couldn't deny the hint of longing he felt listening to Teague speak of Jake, who was obviously much more than a best friend.

Maybe it was time. He couldn't live with his mother forever, and with a job he would be able to afford a place of his own. A new life, new prospects, new people. For the first time Kendall understood that he could have those things without losing his beloved hockey; he could bring hockey with him.

The next day Kendall received a call from Coach Teague. The position was his if he wanted it, and Jake wasn't worried about anyone raising hell over the fact that he had no degree; Kendall was loved by all who would remember him, teachers and students alike. Even if someone did raise the red flag and Jake was dismissed over it, he didn't care—he was close to retirement anyway. The only catch was that Kendall would have to pick up P.E. classes as well, but as Coach Teague reminded him, how often did the teachers actually get physically involved in the activity? Kendall could do this, and do it in a way that he would be welcomed and appreciated—or so Coach Teague assumed.

After discussing the idea with his mother, whose only caution was that it might not last if someone pushed his lack of education, Kendall decided to do it. What, really, did he have to lose?

* * *

James carefully balanced the cardboard container of coffee cups on his arm, holding a bag of pastries in one hand while opening the classroom door with another. This week it was his turn to buy breakfast, and today he'd been in the mood for a lemon danish.

Unless Logan wanted that; raspberry wasn't a horrible back-up, he supposed.

He found his best friend already writing a set of questions on the chalkboard under the heading "Calculus Pre-Test" and grinned. _Of course_ Logan gave pre-tests to his students, believing in being prepared at all costs. Logan was dressed in his usual school attire, a collared button-up shirt that was always tucked in, along with black slacks (though sometimes he snuck in dark jeans if they looked classy enough). James set down the coffee and said in a lovesick falsetto voice, "Mr. Mitchell? Please tell me how I can pass your tests, they're so... _hard."_

The chalk stopped moving in mid-word before Logan spun around with a smirk. "Not funny. You're lucky we're alone in here."

"Give me some credit, I would never have said that if we weren't. Lemon or raspberry?"

"Both sound good, but I can tell by the way you said 'raspberry' that you're hoping I take that one."

James blinked and stepped back. "That's impossible. You can't tell what I'm thinking by one word."

"Of course I can. You put just a little more emphasis on raspberry than lemon."

"I did no such thing!"

"You did, and it's fine. Raspberry sounds better anyway." Logan plucked the coffee cup with his name on it from the cradle and sipped at it with a satisfied sound. "Just the right amount of cream and sugar. You're so good at that."

"It's called paying attention and practice. I gotta get to class, but are we still on for the movie tonight?"

After reaching in for the correct danish, Logan answered, "Yeah, did you decide what we're seeing?"

James frowned. "I thought it was your week to pick. I get the first and third Friday of each month."

"No, that was thrown off when we had to miss last week for my mom's visit. Sorry about that."

"It's cool, she was sweet. And repeatedly reminded you I deserved to win that stupid show. Thanks for inviting me along to dinner."

"She wanted to meet the guy I'd decided was worthy of being a friend," Logan shrugged.

"Which she made clear is a rarity. And I'm pretty sure she was angling for me to be more than a friend."

"Yes, well...Mom thinks I'm lonely. I tried to tell her you're straight but she didn't want to listen."

James was almost to the door when he spun back. "Are you?"

"Straight? You know I'm not."

"No," James laughed. "I meant lonely. Are you lonely?"

"With a friend like you? How could I be?"

That caused James to grin widely. "I'll figure out the movie."

"See you at lunch." Logan turned back to the board but suddenly gasped. "Wait, I almost forgot! Did you hear about—"

His sentence cut off when a student shyly excused herself past James and into the room. "Hi, Mr. Mitchell, I'm sorry I'm early but I was wondering if you'd help me with a few problems I'm stuck on? I really need to pass this test!"

James peeked around the door with a smirk, then made googly eyes at him behind the girl's back. It was clear on Logan's face that his finger was itching to flip his best friend off, but instead he smiled at her and gestured toward a desk in the front row. "Of course, I've got about fifteen minutes. As long as you don't mind me eating while we study?"

"No, that's fine!"

"Great, just get yourself set up and...I'll be right back."

He rushed through the door and called out just in time to keep James from turning a corner. "Dude, wait! This is big!"

James halted, then spun back while being careful not to drop or spill any of his breakfast. He waited until Logan was close before saying quietly, "That's what she said."

Logan let out a reluctant laugh that he attempted to stifle. "You're so immature."

"Yet you laugh every single time."

"Okay, be serious for a second. Did you hear about Teague's replacement?"

"Oh, is he starting today? Thank God, our hockey team is a joke. I hope the new guy can do something about that."

"Well, I'm sure he can, considering who he is. You don't know?" At James' blank stare, Logan nodded. "No, because if you did, you'd have a stick up your ass about it. I have two words for you, and I need you to remember all the manners your mom taught you when you meet him."

"Manners?" James echoed, baffled. "You think I'd be a dick to someone I just met?"

"In this case...yeah." Logan braced himself and then said, "Kendall Knight."

Logan _did_ know him well; yes, they were two words, but they packed a punch. "No."

"Yep."

James shook his head in denial. "No way, the guy disappeared after his...whatever you call it."

"It was an accident."

"He made the choice, there was nothing about it that was an accident."

"Oh, so he was supposed to just let the little girl die?" When James looked away, frustrated, Logan added, "We've had this discussion a million times. I know you don't believe that."

"No, of course not, I just...he let the team down. He was going to take them to the Cup, I know he was. And because of him, they don't even have a chance now."

"James, he wasn't even on the pro team."

"He was about to be, though! He was so close and I knew, I just knew he would be the one to turn it all around for the Wild. He was like a gift from God and then he just..."

"Saved a girl's life." James said nothing. "Don't act like what he did was a bad thing. It was noble and heroic."

"Yeah, okay, but the team. They really needed him."

"And that little girl really needed a guardian angel."

"Don't romanticize it."

"You _should_ romanticize it _._ I know you have a heart in there somewhere. Why don't you ever show it?"

James shook his head again, this time at a loss. "You know how much hockey means to me."

"I do, and sometimes I think it's...a little too much. When you put the success of a team before someone's life..."

"That's not what I'm saying."

"Look, James, all I'm asking is that you treat him with kindness. I'm sure he's nervous about coming back to his old high school in this condition. Most of these kids probably idolized him when he was picked up by the Wild, and now he's returning in a...less-than-whole state. Just...try to put yourself in his shoes."

"You mean shoe. Because he only needs one, right?"

Logan's gaze turned hard. "That's not funny. I know you better than this. You're not cruel."

"I know, I'm sorry, I just...how am I supposed to be nice when every time I look at him, I think about how he ruined it for my favorite team?"

"You remember that he saved a little girl's life and gave up his dream career to do it. And you admire him for that."

James gave no indication of his thoughts.

"Fine, how's this? You be nice to him and I'll give you the extra brownie I brought with my lunch."

His face lit up. "The caramel ones?"

"Yes."

"Fine. Deal. But only because those brownies make me want to orgasm my brains out."

"That's not even..." Giving up on trying to understand the words that sometimes came out of James' mouth, Logan turned back toward the classroom. "See you at lunch."

James turned the corner but then peeked back around to call out, "Wait! Did you already plan to give me the extra brownie? Is that why you brought it?"

"Too late, you already agreed to the deal!"

"Asshole," James muttered, his thoughts turning to Kendall Knight as he headed for the music department.

How many nights had he sat in his room and watched Knight hustle on the ice for Iowa? How many of those games had him drooling over Knight? Yeah, he thought Knight was the hottest thing on skates, and his skill only added to that. This was the man who would rescue his beloved Minnesota Wild from their slump and put them on top again.

And then, in one fateful move, the dream was over. Of course James knew Knight had done the right thing, but that didn't mean he had to be happy with the outcome. His idol couldn't skate anymore. His idol ruined everything. How was James supposed to look into his eyes and forget that?

Damn Logan for knowing him so well as to predict how he would have reacted to the presence of Knight on the staff, and even worse, for pre-empting it. If his brownies weren't so fucking tasty...

And, if James allowed himself to admit it, if his smile wasn't so sexy. If those deep brown eyes weren't so warm and accepting of him even at his worst...

Logan was gay. That was probably the hardest part, the knowledge that Logan was gay and would one day fall in love with another man. James couldn't take the risk of coming out, though. It would ruin his future as a pop star, ruin everything he'd worked so hard to build up over the years. So for that reason, not even his (gorgeous) best friend could know the truth.

Nobody could.

When Logan found someone he could fall for, he would move on. James would still be here trying to do what Rob had suggested and learning life lessons. What was it Rob had said?

" _Have your heart broken a few times."_

Yeah, James didn't see a way out of that because his heart had already opened up enough that when Logan did find someone else more interesting, it was going to hurt like a motherfucker.

Maybe it would be a good idea to have a back-up plan.

* * *

Five hours back at his alma mater and Kendall thought it was going...okay. Coach had been correct about everyone welcoming him with open arms, both teachers and students alike (those who remembered him, anyway—those who didn't soon learned what an asset he was to the athletics program and wished they knew him). There were of course those who pitied him as well, and while Kendall understood that point of view and appreciated the kind words of sympathy, he was ready to move on and embrace the new life waiting for him, whatever it might hold.

Because he wore jeans, those who didn't know his background suspected nothing amiss regarding his body. He'd been wearing the prosthetic leg long enough that it felt like a natural extension of his knee, and he no longer limped with it. His doctor had also given him the name of a company that specialized in athletic prosthetics; despite what Teague had said to him, Kendall knew that in order to be an effective coach, he needed to be on the ice.

His mother had put a down payment on an apartment for him before he started the job, she and Katie helping him move in and Kendall promising to start paying his mother back when he received his first paycheck. He really had no other bills yet, as his truck had been purchased used from a former teammate and his phone was included in his mother's plan. She had also offered to pay for half of Kendall's new prosthetic, so now all he had to do was work and save up enough to cover his share, and he hoped that within a year he'd be back on the ice. He'd have to learn how to skate all over again, but he wasn't worried about that; the ice was his second home.

In the meantime, he'd have to coach from the sidelines and though it killed him to do it, it was something to do. He had a purpose again. As he stepped into the staff lounge on his first day, he was greeted with smiles from everyone and it was a good feeling. He'd never imagined himself teaching, and the truth was that he hadn't gotten much reward from running the physical education classes so far. Very few of the students wanted to be there. Hockey would be different, he hoped.

A pair of hazel eyes caught his gaze as it swept around the room, Kendall feeling a jolt to his midsection when their eyes met. For two seconds it was like that moment you see in every cliché romance movie, the one where it seems to last forever. He had enough time to note that the unique shade of brownish green was framed by chestnut bangs that almost hung into them, as well as lashes that were noticeably long even from this distance, before the other gaze tore away and the beautiful man muttered something to a clean-cut guy sitting next to him.

Oh. So it was like that, was it?

Kendall was distracted by two men standing from a nearby table and introducing themselves, not aware that the breathtaking brunet was close until backing right into him as the man was making an escape.

"Oh, sorry about that."

"Just don't let it happen again."

 _Ouch._ Kendall moved aside to allow the guy to pass (and why did he look so familiar?), still having no idea where to sit until a charming smile from the back of the room invited him over. Without a second thought, Kendall gravitated toward it.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I'm so so happy you guys seem to be liking this one. It's that one fic we probably all have that never got finished and keeps coming back to haunt us until we do. It's finally going to be finished. I struggled a lot with the beginning of it, but now a hundred pages in it's writing itself and I can barely keep up with the ideas, which is the best way to be with a story!

I'm a little worried that the chat portion of this story might be hard to follow, so if it is let me know and I'll figure out another way to format it in the future. The chats were actually my favorite parts to write back when I first started this story and what kept me coming back to it.

Since my true vacation starts tomorrow, I won't be posting again until next week. See you then! Love you guys. :)

* * *

They'd been discussing their choice for a movie when Kendall entered the room, and Logan wanted to cringe at the way everyone stopped talking to stare. It had to be hard enough for this guy to even show his face here, and now he had to deal with this?

"I've heard that..." James trailed off when everyone else did, his attention going to the main door and Logan hearing a soft gasp.

"Be nice," Logan whispered.

James wasn't paying him any attention, though; James seemed to be glued to Knight, and Logan braced himself to rein in his best friend.

Rather than be rude, James instead leaned in to mutter, "I can't do this."

"Wait, what?" Logan asked quietly.

"Sorry."

James was gone before Logan could say anything else. He watched James attempt to inch around Knight, but the guy suddenly stepped back and right into James. There was an exchange Logan couldn't hear before Knight looked around again.

Wanting to put the man at ease, Logan smiled at him. He really _was_ gorgeous in person. The first night James had forced him to watch a hockey game, Knight had been playing. Logan had made a comment about how it wasn't even a pro team, and James' response had been, "It's the pre-pro team, these are the guys who are in training to _be_ the pro team. And trust me, with the way the Wild's been playing, this will be way more exciting. They picked up a new guy that's going to take them to the Cup. I just _know_ it."

Logan had watched the game, James explaining rules and ref calls as it played out, and by the time it was over Logan had to admit he'd enjoyed it. They'd gone to a few actual Wild games during the season, and James had been right about that—being there in person was more fun. Still, Logan never complained about watching the Iowa games on television with James because those had the added bonus of sweaty, agile, intense Kendall Knight.

At least until the accident.

And now here he was, all of his dreams crushed and returning to the place where they'd probably begun, or at least were fostered into greatness. It made Logan want to hug him.

Not that Logan was usually a touchy person. James was the only one who ever brought out that side of him, and he had to be careful to keep that reined in because James wasn't gay and never would be. Logan had accepted it within the first few weeks of their friendship, when he'd discovered that Diamond did indeed have a heart, then fought hard to keep from falling for that heart. James was off limits. James would run if Logan ever even hinted at anything romantic, and so Logan didn't.

The only time he'd been in danger of slipping was the night James broke down and told Logan the real reason he didn't take the offer for a record deal. James had cried into Logan's shirt as a television show played on forgotten. He'd spilled all of his fears and insecurities and though it killed Logan to do it, he'd suggested that James try to date. When James shot down that idea, claiming nobody would love him for _him_ since he was famous, Logan suggested online chat rooms so he could remain anonymous. James had scoffed at that as well, but it got him talking again and they'd spent the night cuddled up together asleep on the sofa. Logan remembered how hard it was (literally) to lay under James and not act on his feelings, but their friendship was too important to screw up. A cold shower early in the morning worked wonders, and then Logan was able to become the best friend and nothing more again.

He knew one day James would find the girl to steal his heart, and was very much aware that when that day came, he would no longer be the person James spent most evenings with. Logan would have to go back to grading his papers alone at his own apartment rather than while James battled it out in an intense video game on the sofa next to him. He'd have to go back to cooking for himself instead of finding new and interesting recipes to try out for dinner with James. Sure, they'd still be co-workers, and maybe even catch an occasional movie together. But it would be few and far between, and the girlfriend would probably be along for the ride, and...

Logan would learn to live with it. For now, he wanted to enjoy James while he still could. Because even though James sometimes came off like a heartless, immature asshole, Logan knew that deep down he was always worried nobody would love him and that what James wanted more than anything was to be accepted and to know what it was like to fall in love. So until that time came, Logan would be here to accept him.

As long as he didn't keep running out of the room every time Knight showed up, that was. They'd have to talk about this later.

Logan looked up when Knight neared the table he was now seated alone at.

"May I?"

"Of course," Logan smiled. He waited until the blond was comfortable before offering his hand. "I'm Logan. Math."

"Hey. Kendall. P.E., but my main interest is the hockey team."

"Yeah, they need work," Logan chuckled. "I've seen you play, and if anyone can get them back on top, it's you."

Kendall blinked at Logan in surprise, his hand stopping its motion halfway into the lunch bag he'd been rooting through. "You've seen me?"

"My best friend's a huge hockey fan. I wasn't until I met him, but he got me watching the games. You're impressive on the ice."

"I was," Kendall corrected, returning his attention to his food. "I don't skate anymore."

"Yeah, I uh...for what it's worth, I think what you did was noble and heroic."

A twitch of a smile crossed Kendall's lips as he blushed and looked down. "It wasn't really. The truth is I didn't even think about it, I just acted and...had I really thought it through, I don't know that I would've had the courage to do it."

Logan shook his head. "You wouldn't have let her die. I hardly know you but I know that."

Kendall shrugged. He pulled out a turkey sandwich and an apple, then dug back in for a small bag of chips.

"I have an extra brownie if you want it."

"Whoa, really?"

"Yep. It was for someone else, but he bolted, so..."

Kendall nodded as if he knew exactly who Logan was talking about. "Are there nuts in it?"

Before he could stop himself, Logan asked, "Would you like it better if there were nuts involved?" When Kendall almost choked on his sandwich, Logan felt bad for the cheesy line and clapped his back. "Sorry, that was really horrible. I usually have more class than that."

It wasn't until after he'd sipped from a bottle of water that Kendall replied. "It's better than me spending months wondering how to get up the courage to ask that very personal question."

Logan blushed but chuckled. "So...now that that's out of the way..."

"Is it really? I don't believe I ever gave you an answer."

"Oh." He was right, he hadn't. Logan cleared his throat and passed over the brownie. "You can have this anyway. No nuts, just to be safe."

"Thanks," Kendall laughed. "The truth is I don't think I'd mind the nuts, but I can't say for sure since I've never tried them."

"Ah." Normally not one to pry, Logan pushed on because Kendall seemed to be open to the conversation. "Is there a reason for that?"

"Honestly? Too much going on. Hockey was always my life, you know?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry about that."

"It's...hard. It's still really hard but I'm hoping that coaching this team will help me come to terms with it better. I mean, at least I'm not sitting at home eating all the time and getting depressed while my mom and sister nag me to do something with my life."

Logan smiled. "They sound great."

"They are, actually. If it wasn't for them..." Kendall reached for a chip, offering the bag to Logan before taking another. "So I'm assuming you're no stranger to nuts?"

"I've dabbled," Logan admitted. "Definitely prefer them to the brownies with no nuts."

"Why does that give me a vision of...never mind, we won't go there. Isn't it scary to have people judge you for it?"

"It was at first. But I mean, it's easier for me than someone like you, who's so steeped in the manly world of sports. Nobody bats an eye at a math teacher being gay. They just prefer that you don't discuss it or flaunt it in front of the students."

"I can see that," Kendall nodded. "And yeah, I think it would affect the way my students see me. It shouldn't, but it would."

"So...is that your way of saying you _do_ like the nuts?"

"Well...once I try them, I'll let you know."

Logan's eyes sparkled as he wondered if that was an invitation.

"Can I ask you a weird question?"

"You can ask me anything," Logan grinned.

"That uh...the guy you were sitting with. The one who left."

"Oh." His heart dipped. "He's not gay."

"No, that's not..." Kendall laughed, wiping his mouth with a napkin before picking up the brownie. "That's not what I was going to say. He actually looks familiar to me and I can't place him but I could swear I've seen him before."

"He was on that show 'National Pop Star' a few seasons ago. Came in second place."

It was like a light bulb went on in Kendall's brain. "Ohhhh, of course! James something, right?"

"Diamond," Logan nodded. "You watch that?"

"I still lived at home then, and Mom's a huge fan of the show."

"Mine, too! She forces me to watch it so we can talk about it. She wanted James to win."

"So did my mom. My sister couldn't stand him, she liked the other guy."

"So did I! Just...don't bring that up around James, okay?"

Kendall smirked. "So your co-worker has no idea you voted against him?"

"He does, he's just very touchy about it," Logan replied. "We had a long talk one night and I admitted it. I hadn't met him back then, though. There's more to him than what we saw on the show."

"Really? Because the guy I talked to five minutes ago is _exactly_ what I saw on the show."

"He doesn't always come across well. He's actually a nice guy."

"I'll trust you on that." A bell rang and Kendall sighed. "Damn, already? I didn't even get to the brownie yet!"

"Take it with you."

"Thanks. And uh...thanks for being nice to me. It's always good to meet a friendly face on the first day of school."

Thrown back to the day James had arrived here, Logan smiled. Strange how he'd been determined to stay away from the guy, and a year later they were best friends. It made him wonder where he and Kendall might be a year from now. "You're welcome. See you Monday."

"It's a date."

Of course he didn't mean it like _that_ , right? _Right?_ Logan didn't know, and honestly it didn't matter. He was just as happy to be a friend to Kendall.

But he needed to stop befriending dudes that were so gorgeous, because even Logan had his limits with self-control.

* * *

As he let himself into his apartment that afternoon, Kendall's mind was on a loop that included Logan and James, both leading him to think about something he'd been considering since the move. The idea had been in the back of his mind for a week, Kendall alternately deciding to try it and then shooting it down as ridiculous and unnecessary. Online dating just wasn't his thing.

 _Come on, Kendall, let's be honest. No kind of dating is your thing. At least if you do it this way, you're easing yourself into it and won't be judged for your missing limb._

This was true, and yet he also worried that he would be judged on his status as an almost-pro hockey player. He was already fawned over at the high school by those who knew enough about sports to idolize him, which seemed weird to Kendall because he hadn't even made it past the farm team. Then again, he'd discovered that his selfless act added to the romance of it all, some of the female students actually cornering him for an autograph and coming dangerously close to swooning. It scared Kendall a little, especially considering he had come to realize without a doubt that he was unequivocally gay.

The few doubts he'd had on that score dissipated the moment he laid eyes on James Diamond at the school. He'd spoken the truth to Logan earlier, though he left out the part about how he found the young man gorgeous. There'd been something lacking in Diamond that he couldn't put his finger on. He wasn't a fan of the show but remembered a feeling of satisfaction upon hearing that Diamond had lost to the other guy, because while that guy wasn't as polished, he'd seemed to somehow deserve it more.

Had Kendall actually been present for any of the performances, though, his opinion might have changed because in person, James Diamond took his breath away. Maybe it was simply seeing someone so beautiful in such a mundane setting, but he'd been blown away by the hazel eyes that fastened onto his upon his entrance to the staff lounge.

Then James opened his mouth and ruined it. Proving to Kendall that his assumptions had been right, James replied rudely and with that rock star attitude Kendall had sensed from his living room so many months ago.

Still, he and Logan had awakened something in Kendall that pressed him to take the dating step, and in the end he decided on an old-fashioned chat room to break himself in. He wouldn't have to set up a detailed profile or fill out any kind of in-depth questionnaire that might give away too much. That would probably come in time, but for now Kendall was more concerned with the fact that he had no idea how to even go about getting to know a guy with the end goal being romance. He was so inept at this whole thing and couldn't tell if Logan had been flirting or just welcoming. Knowing his luck, he'd take it wrong and end up embarrassing himself over a nice guy who was simply attempting to be polite.

He followed the link to his email program's social network, nervous as he sat on his new couch with one leg resting on the coffee table before him. The laptop silently guided him through the steps, and within ten minutes he had a vague bio created and was searching through a list of chat rooms for gay males. There were so many, where was he to start?

In the end he decided not to over-think it and clicked on the first one. If he didn't like that one, there were others.

Watching the conversations scroll past him, Kendall didn't jump in right away. He wanted to get a feel for this, understand how it worked before making a complete ass of himself. A lot of the comments caused him to roll his eyes and he began to wonder what he was doing, thinking this had been a stupid idea, but then a name caught his eye as someone new entered the chat. He waited and waited, but there was nothing from the man (or so Kendall assumed) with the username Kingofdiamonds.

Five minutes in, Kendall took the plunge. His fingers were shaky as he typed the simple words, unsure they would even be noticed in the mass of conversation running down the window.

 **Rusherone:** Hi, kingofdiamonds.

There was nothing, Kendall watching but deciding a minute later he had in fact been stupid to try this. He was about to leave the room when it popped up.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hey, rusher. Come here often?

Kendall's face lit up as he let out a little giggle, then immediately covered his mouth as if someone had heard. It was a cheesy line that normally would've had Kendall rolling his eyes but the knowledge that there was an actual person on the other end of the conversation made him a little giddy. What could it hurt to talk to the guy and see where it led? Probably nowhere, but it might be fun for five minutes.

 **Rusherone:** My first time. You?

Kendall waited a few seconds, heart beating hard, and there it was.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That makes us both virgins. ;)

A squeal erupted that was like no sound Kendall had ever made in his life. He wondered what in the world was wrong with him and why it was that he kept picturing James Diamond's face in his mind.

 _It's the name. That's why your brain jumped on that, because Diamond is gorgeous and even if he's a jerk, there's nothing wrong with imagining a pretty face._

 **Rusherone:** Cute.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes, I am. :P

Kendall was no stranger to emoticons, having in Katie a sister who used them mostly to annoy him. He shook his head and laughed, now rolling his eyes.

Before he could reply, the name popped up on the screen as one of the other occupants of the room addressed Kingofdiamonds to ask what he looked like. Kendall found it a rude question, but his eyes were glued to the laptop.

Finally the name popped up again, addressing the one who had asked.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Magnum328, keep dreaming. You can't handle this.

"Damn!" Kendall exclaimed, eyes wide. Maybe it _was_ Diamond, with that attitude. And then his own name popped up.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Rusher, you still here?

Kendall replied immediately.  
 _  
_ **Rusherone:** Yes.

There was nothing for a minute, Kendall waiting and reading the other conversations but again having a difficult time following. This chat thing was confusing.

Suddenly a little box popped up on his screen.

 _"Kingofdiamonds has invited you for a private chat."_

There were two buttons below, one for accept and one for decline. Biting his lip, Kendall hesitated while his heart galloped in his chest. What would he say? He didn't even know this guy. What if the guy really _was_ a dick?

 _Then you log out and never come back. Find another way to date. At least you gave it a try._

Finger hovering over the built-in mouse, Kendall finally dropped it to tap over the "Accept" button. Immediately a new window opened up, leaving Kendall licking his lips in anticipation. He sat up straighter on the couch and stared at the little icon to the left of the chat box. It featured what appeared to be a glittering diamond wearing shades with a golden crown hovering near the tip of the gem.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hey.

 **Rusherone:** Hi, there.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It was a little too crowded in there for me. Is this okay?

It was more than okay. Kendall smiled while replying.  
 _  
_ **Rusherone:** It's fine. I get the diamond and the crown, but what's with the sunglasses?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** The diamond shines so bright it needed something to contain the awesomeness.

Snorting, Kendall rolled his eyes.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You don't like it? I drew it myself.

 **Rusherone:** Did you really?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I was twelve. I thought it looked cool with the shades.

 **Rusherone:** You would.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** How can you say that? You don't even know me.

 **Rusherone:** I suppose that's true.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's better than your generic one. Why not upload a picture of yourself? That's what everyone else does.

 **Rusherone:** You didn't.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Of course I did. I'm the King of Diamonds and I'm cool. It's perfect.

 **Rusherone:** If you say so. :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I do. :P So this is your first time in the chat room?

Hesitant to appear uncool, Kendall debated lying but decided he had nothing to lose.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah. I'm new to this whole online dating thing.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Me, too. It's kind of overwhelming.  
 **  
Rusherone:** Exactly! I wasn't quite ready for the big sites. Figured I'd start small, work my way up to that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Right? And all those guys talking at once got kind of crazy. This is nice, yeah?

Kendall smiled. It was, actually.

 **Rusherone:** So what's your name?

He was about to add "You don't have to answer if you don't want to" when the sound of a door slamming surprised him before the words _"Kingofdiamonds has left the chat"_ appeared. Kendall blinked at the screen, a lot more disappointed than he should've been.

"What the fuck?" James exclaimed, staring at his laptop in shock. Every time he pressed return or clicked on "send," he was presented with an error message. "Come on!"

Leaning forward to set his laptop on the coffee table, James tried again. And again. And one more time. Still nothing.

"Motherfucker, work already!" he yelled, banging his fist down on the table. Wide eyes took in a little yellow starburst symbol in the bottom right corner of the screen, James groaning in frustration. "Now? Internet goes out now? Fuck!"

It took him a few minutes to go into the network settings and get the connection working, and when he tried to access the chat again the window had closed. "No no no no no," he whined. "I find a guy who seems normal and nice and he disappears?"

Unwilling to give up, James returned to the original chat room and skimmed the names of its occupants, sighing when the one he was looking for was missing.

Rusherone was gone.

* * *

"Okay, talk to me. What's going on?"

James snapped back into the moment, realizing just in time he needed to brake and pressing his foot to the pedal hard so that they both strained forward against the restraints. "Sorry. What are you talking about?"

"You're too quiet, what's wrong?" Logan asked.

"What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying I normally annoy you because I talk too much?"

"Stop being oversensitive, James. I'm saying that you're usually the one doing most of the talking, _not that I mind that_ , but tonight it's me and that's just weird for us. I just broke into one of my math lectures to test you and thirty seconds into it, you agreed with what I was saying. As if I was opining something."

"Opining? Is that some new word that's hip with the kids? I haven't heard it yet."

"No," Logan sighed, begging for patience. "It means...never mind. The point is I can tell you're preoccupied and whatever's going on, you can tell me about it. Is it because of Kendall?"

"Knight? Why would I be thinking about him?"

"Why did you take off earlier?"

"You know why."

"You promised to give him a chance."

"I said I would be nice. That's different."

"Well, you weren't. According to him, you were rude."

"He said that?!" James exclaimed in outrage. "What the fuck? You talked to him?"

"I did. After you left, he sat with me."

"Oh, great. So I'm losing my best friend to an asshole."

"James, knock it off, he is _not_ an asshole, and you are not losing me. What is going on with you?"

James didn't answer until they'd gone at least a half-mile. "Swear you won't laugh at me?"

"I won't laugh at you. What happened?"

It was still difficult for James to get the words out, even knowing that Logan would be proud of him. "I...when I got home today..."

"Yes?" Logan reached over and squeezed James' bicep in encouragement, then quickly let his hand drop.

"I went into a chat room."

That was the last thing Logan had been expecting. "Oh."

"Yeah. You suggested it before, remember?"

"Of course. I thought it would be the best place for you to meet someone without being judged."

"Right."

Logan's face turned to the right, taking in sights out the window that he wasn't even conscious of. "How was it?"

"It was actually a little scary at first. Way too many people talking at once and I could barely follow the conversation."

Logan bit his lip while absorbing that. "At first?"

"Yeah, at first. There was this...girl. We ended up going to a private message thing and talking and I thought it was going well."

Logan's heart was beating much harder than the conversation warranted. "What happened?"

"My wifi went out. She had just asked my name, not that I was going to tell her, and then I lost the connection and when I went back in, she was gone."

"Oh. So...you're mad because...?"

"Because I really liked her and I think that might've been my only chance to talk to her."

"Did you guys talk a lot?"

"No, but...I don't know. It was her first time, too, and I think she was nervous but she was...cute."

"Did you see a picture?"

"No, her bio pic was the default. I told her she should upload her pic. Now if she does I'll never know."

"Can you find her again?"

"I don't know. I mean, we both have to be in the same chat at the same time, and..."

"Then go back there tomorrow. Same time."

"It's a weekend."

"So? Maybe she'll be there. And if not? Try again Monday."

Logan always had an answer for everything. It was both a curse and a blessing, as his answers were almost always correct and James had come to depend on them. "You think that'll work?"

"It won't if you don't try."

 _That_ was true. "Does it annoy your mom that you're always right?"

"Sometimes."

"Is that why you never had friends before I came along? Because you annoyed them with your...smartness?" Rather than the snarky reply James had been counting on, Logan remained silent. James looked over at him. "What?"

"Nothing. It's nothing."

"No way, you don't get to do that after you made me spill my guts. What did I say wrong?"

"Nothing, it's not you. But...you're right. That's the reason I never found a boyfriend, either. Everybody hates the smart guy."

"I don't."

Logan offered up a small smile, rolling his head to stare at James. "Thanks. Now if only a gay guy would say that."

Thinking of his repeated lying via use of the word "she", James was ashamed. It wasn't that he didn't think Logan would keep it a secret, but more that Logan had a way of making him see things differently and opening his mind. In Logan's hands, that knowledge might lead to him talking James into coming out, and James couldn't risk that. His career depended on keeping up that straight image because 90% of his fanbase would be young girls. Maybe one day after he'd fulfilled his dreams, he could come forward and admit that he was attracted to guys.

For now, the secret had to remain that. It didn't matter that he was half in love with his best friend. It didn't matter that his mind automatically pulled up a vision of Kendall Knight when he tried to picture Rusherone. His future depended on the world's belief that it was girls he was into.

Maybe tonight after the movie he'd try again to write a song. He hadn't had any luck since the one he'd written about his heartbreak over losing the contest. Something had stirred in him today, though, when his gaze met Knight's for the first time. It sucked that he couldn't pursue that any further, but it was probably for the best. Surely Knight wasn't gay, right?

Life was so unfair.

Or maybe this was the life experience Rob had been talking about, because suddenly James felt he could write an entire album of songs about those green eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So this website does not allow the use of the "at" symbol or any kind of dotcom. For that reason, I had to literally spell out the email addresses and I hope that's not confusing. Sorry if it is!

* * *

James had tried to put the whole thing out of his mind during their weekly movie and ice cream date; thanks to Logan, who knew just how to make him feel better, he was successful. It wasn't until the following morning that he allowed himself to think about Rusherone again.

Maybe Logan was right. Maybe if he went back to the same chat at the same time, he'd get lucky. He just hoped Rusherone hadn't met someone else in the meantime and forgotten about him.

James searched through every gay male chat room on the network for Rusherone, but he came up empty. Rather than give up, he searched again. He didn't know why he was so determined, as there were plenty of other choices and he would no doubt meet someone else who made him smile, but there was something about Rusherone. Maybe it was because like James, he was new to this whole thing. It was scary enough just talking to strangers in this setting; at least Rusherone understood where he was coming from.

Watching conversations scroll past, James was disheartened. Most of the guys were there to hook up, of course, and while that was basically James' goal as well, he was looking for more than a quick fuck. He wanted to fall in love. He exited the current chat he was in and was about to shut down his laptop when he decided to give it one more try. Starting at the top of the list, he logged into the room and quickly skimmed the names.

 _Boom. There you are._

Heart flipping over in his chest, James clicked on the name and was about to request a private chat, but then Rusherone disappeared.

"Fuck!" he yelled. "Where are you?"

He went into the next one down and sure enough, there was Rusher again. He clicked on the name, anxious now, and then...he was gone.

"What are you doing?!" James screamed at his computer. He stood up suddenly, moving to the kitchen table and setting the laptop down on it before pulling a chair closer. This was going to require some serious concentration.

The pattern repeated itself. James would log into a room, find Rusherone, but then the guy would disappear. About halfway down the list, James realized that Rusher was doing what he'd done—going through each room in search of someone.

"Oh, you'd better be looking for me," he muttered. "I got you now."

James skipped over the next two rooms, biting his lip as he waited in one further down the list and prayed Rusherone would show up. Thirty seconds later, it happened.

"Yes! Caught you! Now just don't leave before I—"

In the process of clicking on Rusherone's name, James almost closed the box that suddenly popped up on his screen. He realized just before doing so that it was an invitation to a private chat with Rusherone and his heart went insane.

"You _were_ looking for me. I'm already in love." James accepted the invitation with a smile, immediately typing when the new window opened.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're a hard man to find. :)

 **Rusherone:** Me? It took me forever to find you!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Where did you go yesterday? I thought we were having fun.

 **Rusherone:** You're the one who disappeared! I thought I scared you by asking your name.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** My Internet went out. When I came back, you were gone.

 **Rusherone:** Oh. That sucks, I really thought I scared you away.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Not quite yet. Keep trying. ;)

 **Rusherone:** How about we start with that? Got a name?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I do.

 **Rusherone:** Uh huh...would you rather not share it? I understand if you don't want to.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I do, it's just...I have my reasons. Just call me Diamond.

Sitting on his couch again, Kendall groaned while his head fell back. He really didn't want to call this guy Diamond. That name was reserved for the stuck-up jerk he was trying to avoid. Finally he sighed.

 **Rusherone:** I'd rather not. Can we go with King?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You realize that's only going to feed my massive ego.

 **Rusherone:** I'll take that chance. Diamond is going to turn me off completely.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh, well we can't have that. King it is. What can I call you?

 **Rusherone:** Uh...Rusher? Rush?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I like Rush. Kind of like the feeling I got when I found you today.

Kendall smiled. This was going to be just fine.

 **Rusherone:** So...how was your day?

James blinked in surprise. This guy was asking about his day? Really?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It was okay. Slept in, got up and went out for a run, put in some time at the gym. Now I'm just enjoying my one day of solitude.

 **Rusherone:** Am I ruining that?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Nope.

 **Rusherone:** So you have an entire day to yourself and the first thing you do is come find me?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well...I mean, I did do other stuff first. Don't make me sound pathetic.

Laughing, Kendall shifted into a more comfortable position. He hoped to be here a while.

 **Rusherone:** Sorry, that wasn't my intention. If it is pathetic, you're not alone.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's always nice. ;) What about you? How was your day?

 **Rusherone:** Boring but relaxing. Got up and went out for some fresh air, made a few phone calls. Fixed some lunch.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Did you think of me today?

Rolling his eyes, Kendall was smiling anyway.

 **Rusherone:** I'm here, aren't I? ;)

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So tell me about yourself. Why aren't you out breaking hearts in person, why do it this way?

 **Rusherone:** Because I'm a loser? I don't know, I just don't have a lot of dating experience and this seemed a good way to get some. You?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's scary how much you sound like me. How old are you?

 **Rusherone:** 19\. Almost 20. I'm afraid to ask about you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Actually, I'm 20.

 **Rusherone:** That's convenient.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm not lying, dude! I'm 20. Still not very good with people.

 **Rusherone:** I never have a problem with that. I just don't know how to strike up a conversation with someone in a romantic way.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're doing a pretty good job now. ;)

Grinning, Kendall let out a little sound of excitement. He'd never been flirted with before this guy. Unless he counted that math teacher, and Kendall wasn't sure he could.

 **Rusherone:** Thank you. I'd say you do just fine with people.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Not in person. It comes out wrong half the time. There's this hot guy at work and my first words to him came out sounding rude. I didn't mean it that way, I was trying to make a joke, but I think he hates me now. It sucks.

 **Rusherone:** Wow, that does suck. I'm sorry. But, you know, more for me. ;)

It amazed Kendall that he was able to flirt back so naturally. This guy made it easy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Definitely. What else do I need to know about you?

That gave Kendall pause. He wasn't comfortable divulging a lot. He didn't know if the hockey thing would be a pro or con to a prospective dating partner, and was pretty sure the lack of a second leg would be a detriment.

 _You don't have to meet him, Kendall. This is practice. What would you say if he was standing in front of you?_

 **Rusherone:** I like sports?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are you sure? You don't sound too sure. :P

 **Rusherone:** I'm just trying to think haha. That's the first thing that comes to mind about me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Not a horrible thing. I admit I'm not one for sports, but I do like hockey.

Kendall's heart stuttered. What were the odds? Unless the guy knew it was him, but...no. There was no way he could know.

 **Rusherone:** I enjoy a good hockey game myself. No other sports you're into?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sadly, no. I'm more into the arts.

 **Rusherone:** Like...painting? That sort of thing?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Music. Acting. Things of a performance nature.

 **Rusherone:** Oh, that sounds about right. You like the attention.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And again I say that you don't even know me.

 **Rusherone:** You did mention your massive ego.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay but I'm not an asshole. I mean...I try not to be.

 **Rusherone:** And are you successful most of the time? :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Depends on who you ask. My best friend would probably say that I'm successful "a fair amount" of the time.

 **Rusherone:** He talks like that?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Dude, he's so smart. Your typical nerd except he's also really hot.

 **Rusherone:** Why don't you date him? Oh, let me guess. He's straight.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He's not, and that's the hardest part. He just doesn't know I'm into guys.

 **Rusherone:** How does your best friend not know that about you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's complicated.

 **Rusherone:** Really? Because I feel like if anyone would understand, it would be another gay guy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Trust me. In this situation, it's best nobody knows.

 **Rusherone:** Well _I_ know.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're the only person on Earth who does, and I'd like to keep it that way.

 **Rusherone:** Why?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are you out to everyone?

 **Rusherone:** Me? I haven't told anyone. Though I did admit to a guy at work that I wouldn't be opposed to trying out a guy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Wait, so...you've never been with a guy?

 **Rusherone:** Nope. Have you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. I was hoping this would be a way to get that ball rolling. Kind of practice, if that makes sense.

 **Rusherone:** It makes total sense! That's why I'm here, too!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay, this could work. We can use each other to practice.

 **Rusherone:** Hell yeah. But I have to tell you up front that I'm not interested in meeting in person. It's nothing against you, I'm just not ready for that yet.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm here to get you ready. And you do the same for me, deal?

 **Rusherone:** Totally. I'm horrible at flirting.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're not doing so bad. ;) I think I'm okay at it.

 **Rusherone:** And I'm good at talking to people, so...let's do this. You teach me how to flirt and I'll teach you how to talk to people. No idea how I'm going to do that through a computer, but we'll figure it out.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Awesome! Should we make plans to meet up every day or what?

 **Rusherone:** I don't know if I can make it every day. Does this program allow us to communicate when the other person's offline?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I have no idea. Is there any way you can trace me through an email address?

 **Rusherone:** Probably, but I wouldn't know how.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Can I trust you not to find out?

 **Rusherone:** As long as you promise me the same thing.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Deal. So this remains totally anonymous. We agree on that.

 **Rusherone:** 100%.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay, I'm gonna make an email address just for you. And we'll use it to make plans to meet up or whatever. Sound good?

 **Rusherone:** Sounds great. I'll do the same. Hang on.

Kendall clicked out of the chat box and quickly figured out how to create a new email address. He was back in less than three minutes.

 **Rusherone:** rusher1AThotmaildotcom

 **Kingofdiamonds:** DiamondKingATgmaildotcom

 **Rusherone:** Nice! When are you regularly free?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Most evenings after about 7:30. Sorry, I know that's late but my buddy and I usually have dinner together and hang out.

 **Rusherone:** The gay guy?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah.

 **Rusherone:** And he's never made a move on you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No, he thinks I'm straight. He wouldn't anyway.

 **Rusherone:** Why not?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I told you he's super smart.

 **Rusherone:** So?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He'd never go for someone like me. I wouldn't measure up.

 **Rusherone:** Has he told you that?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He doesn't have to. Trust me, he's way out of my league. He deserves better.

 **Rusherone:** Where's that massive ego you were bragging about earlier?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Look, the truth is chicks love me. I'm gorgeous.

 **Rusherone:** There it is. :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Shut up lol. I'm hot but it doesn't do me any good with guys.

 **Rusherone:** How many guys have you actively tried to date?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Doesn't matter. I'm a girl's wet dream. Wait, do girls have wet dreams?

 **Rusherone:** I'm pretty sure they do, only they don't...actually, I don't really know. What was your point?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That if I was out there trying to date chicks, I'd be fighting them off. Guys...I totally fail with. I mean, if I was that amazing, wouldn't you think my buddy would've hit on me by now?

 **Rusherone:** Not if he thinks you're straight. I wouldn't hit on a straight friend.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He wouldn't anyway. I'm not smart enough to date a guy like him.

 **Rusherone:** He obviously finds some value in you if he's kept you around.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He doesn't have anyone else. Once he does? I'm history.

 **Rusherone:** I'm sure that's not true.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It is. I've accepted it. I'm just enjoying his company now while I have it before he moves on.

 **Rusherone:** I still think you're wrong about that, but let's get you ready to date just in case you're right. We'll find you a guy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And we'll find YOU a guy. Is 7:30 too late for you?

 **Rusherone:** No, it's probably best because I won't even get home from work until after six. You free tomorrow?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Not tomorrow. Sundays I hang out with him. It's kind of our thing.

 **Rusherone:** That's nice. I wish I had a buddy like that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Maybe one day you will. Actually, I need to get going. He's calling me.

 **Rusherone:** Sure. See you Monday, I hope.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Email me! Bye!

 _Kingofdiamonds has left the chat._

Kendall sat up with a sigh, setting his laptop on the coffee table. So he'd found a guy, but it seemed the guy was hung up on his best friend.

 _It's fine, Kendall. You're not going to date him. You're going to help each other find dates, that's all. You are not allowed to fall in love with him._

Better to set his sights elsewhere. If nothing else, he'd made a new friend. That was a welcome change, right?

* * *

James picked up just before the call went to voicemail. "Hey, sorry, I was in the middle of something."

Logan's voice was a welcome sound. "Totally okay. Are you busy right now? Is this a bad time?"

"Please, it's never a bad time. You know I have no life."

"Good, because I need a date tonight."

"Whoa, what?"

"Mom's throwing a party for my aunt and if you don't come with me, I'm the only guy in the room. Also the only person under forty. Please don't leave me alone with them."

James laughed, glad that Logan still needed him. "What time?"

"I'll pick you up at five. Thanks, I was dreading this."

"Anything for the nerd in my life. Do we need to bring anything?"

"We'll stop on the way for appetizers. I was thinking we hit up our favorite wing place, maybe get some mozzarella sticks and potato skins, too."

"You know the way to my heart, Mitchell. Are the ladies going to be okay with that?"

"They can deal with it. Also I'm sorry in advance if Mom starts up with her 'You two make such a cute couple' crap again. She doesn't seem to understand the meaning of the word 'straight.'"

"It's cool," James chuckled. "But...I did meet someone."

There was silence for a beat, and then a hesitant, "That's great. Online?"

"Yeah, I found her again. You were right—same chat room, same time."

"That's great! And you talked?"

"We did. We're gonna talk again Monday."

"Oh. That's cool, I can just go home after work instead of—"

"No, dude, I told her I'm not free until 7:30 every night. You come first."

"James, that's not the way to date someone. She needs to come before your friends."

"Well, we're not at that stage, so...right now, you're still number one."

Logan was quiet for so long that James was about to make sure he was still there, but then he piped up. "Since we're hanging out tomorrow, why don't you just stay the night?"

"Yeah, I can do that. Your couch is comfortable."

"Right." Logan hesitated again before adding, "So be ready at five."

"Done. Should I put my arm around you a few times just to make your mother happy?"

"Not funny, asshole. Don't encourage her. In fact, make sure to mention the girl you've been chatting with."

James grinned. "See you at five, gorgeous."

"James, that's not funny!"

With a laugh, James hung up the phone. It would've been nice to use Logan's mom as an excuse to get a little extra touching in, but in the end it would only make him feel worse because he knew it would never go anywhere.

Best to think about Rush. That wasn't going anywhere either, but at least James could get some flirting in without worrying about pushing the guy away.

Feeling a bit more optimistic about life, James whistled on his way to the shower.

* * *

 **Monday**

Kendall knocked on the door marked "Guidance Counselor" and braced himself, having a suspicion what this meeting was about and wanting no part of it.

"Come in!" was called out.

He entered to find a petite young woman with dark hair standing over a table of... "Are those Legos?"

"I'm building Hogwarts and doing it without the instructions. Close the door."

Kendall did, then spun back with a frown. "Why?"

"Because I didn't think you'd want everyone hearing your personal business. If you'd rather they did, though, by all means—"

"No, I mean why without instructions?"

The woman finally turned around, Kendall shocked to see a patch of long, bright red hair running through the black. "Because it's more fun that way."

"Okay, but it'll probably also take longer."

"I've got all year, I'm not worried about it. Something to pass the time, anyway," she shrugged, then held out a hand. "Lucy. You're the hockey guy?"

"I am. Kendall," he nodded. He dropped her hand after shaking, waiting until she was seated behind a desk to take the chair in front of it. "You wanted to talk to me?"

"Nope."

"Oh." Confused, Kendall shook his head and started to stand. "I'll just leave you to—"

"It's not up to us. Kalvert calls the shots around here, and he requested that I meet with you."

 _Kalvert._ "The principal wanted me to meet with you? Why?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say it's because of the whole leg thing and how you probably feel like a failure coming back here without achieving your dreams."

"Ouch," Kendall muttered, looking down.

"Those would be his words, not mine. It's how he thinks."

"I see." He really didn't.

"That's not how it is, though, right?"

"Well...I mean...it's not a lie."

"Yeah, but so what? You did a good deed, got screwed over for it, and now you're back here. That doesn't make you a failure."

Kendall's eyes narrowed as he tried to follow her logic. "Are you trying to like...get inside my head? Is this how you talk to the students who come in here?"

"I'm not trying to do anything. See, that's the misconception about counseling. There's no game to it, you just tell people the reality of a situation so they can see it clearly. Kids come in here all the time feeling like they're worthless or stupid or like they can't measure up to what their parents want for them. But so what? That just means there's a different path for them. Like you. You wanted to play hockey, right?"

"Yes. I'm still going to."

That paused Lucy's ranting. "How?"

"I'm going to have a prosthetic made with a skate on it so I can get back on the ice."

She nodded, impressed. "Now see? You're not just gonna let opportunities pass you by. I like that in a person."

"I guess," Kendall conceded. "Did you have a point?"

"Did I? Oh! Yeah, so...you wanted to skate. And you're still going to, just not in the capacity you always thought you were. Instead, you're using your skills to benefit others. And before you say that's lame, I want you to remember how good it feels to win."

Still not quite following her logic, Kendall agreed. "It feels amazing."

"Right? So what you're doing is giving all those kids on the team a chance to feel that, and by doing so, you're going to inspire them. Lift their confidence. Show them they aren't losers. Because trust me, the last coach didn't do that for them."

"Hey, Coach Teague is fantastic. He trained me all my life and got me this job."

"That's great, and I'm sure he did do all that for you. You're gonna do the same now. Are you getting my point?"

"Sort of? But don't insult Teague, he's one of the best men I've ever known."

"Totally not arguing that. Great guy. But his heart hasn't been in it for a while now. You can't argue that."

Kendall couldn't. Here they were, talking about heart again. Why did it always come back to that? "So you're saying that even though my dreams were crushed, it was for a reason and that reason is to give back and inspire others?"

"Exactly!" Proud of herself, Lucy leaned across her desk with a raised hand. Kendall met her for the high five but only because it was rude to leave her hanging.

"So I was sent here for a pep talk?"

"Kalvert just said you might be having a hard time adjusting and he wanted you to know that my door is always open if you need someone to talk to. Probably figured he wasn't up to the task."

"But you are?" Kendall smirked.

"Hello, did I not just prove that? You feel better now, right?"

"I..." Strangely, he did. "Wow. I'm still not just okay with everything. I miss my leg and I miss my career."

"This is your new career. Get used to it. Enjoy it. Find the good things that come with it."

Logan flashed into his mind. Following that was a vision of James Diamond, but he knew it was only because King resembled Diamond in his mind. He'd have to find a way around that. Hoping he wasn't making a huge mistake, Kendall leaned forward. "Is this like...confidential?"

"Unless you tell me you're planning to kill yourself or someone else. So..."

"No, nothing like that," Kendall hurriedly assured her. "I just...I don't know anybody here."

"You do now. This is your free period, right?"

"Right."

"You can come talk to me whenever you want. I can set up a standing appointment with you if you feel you need it. My services are usually for the kids, but I've been known to help out a few staff members on occasion."

"I don't need that, but thanks. I was wondering about..."

"Yes?" When Kendall still hesitated, she urged, "Come on, I know where this is going and yes, I know the relationship status of everyone employed here. Who's caught your eye? Please don't say me, because I'm going to tell you now that you're not my type."

Distracted from himself for a moment, Kendall cocked his head. "What _is_ your type?"

"Someone without an appendage that grows when a short skirt walks by."

"Oh." Kendall blinked in surprise, then laughed in relief. "Okay. So...I'm thinking about dating guys, and I...you know what? I shouldn't do this."

"You totally should. This might be part of why it all happened. You were sent here to find the guy of your dreams."

"No, I meant...it's not right to talk about someone else."

"Let me guess. Diamond."

Kendall made a semi-disgusted face. "No! I mean, he's hot, but...no. He seems like a dick."

"He can be," Lucy nodded. "I almost got him crying in here once but he took off. I think feelings scare him."

"Wow. You're not trying to do that with me, are you?"

"No, but you're not fighting me on everything the way he did. Who is it then?"

"Um." Still not sure it was good idea, as the last thing Kendall wanted was to start drama or gossip, he finally admitted. "The math guy. Logan."

That surprised Lucy into uncharacteristic silence for all of five seconds. "Mitchell? Really?"

"I talked to him Friday. Was thinking I might have lunch with him today. I just need to know if he..."

"He's totally gay."

"I know," Kendall grinned. "We got that far. Is he seeing someone?"

Lucy literally bit her tongue, seeming to consider the question and debate her answer. Finally she said, "No."

"You don't sound sure."

"He isn't."

"But...?"

"But...I think he wants to. If you want him, move fast."

"Oh. So he's already interested in someone else?"

"Yes."

"So I should back off."

"No."

Kendall let out a frustrated sound, shoving his bangs off his forehead. "You're not making any sense."

"He's definitely into someone, but it's going nowhere. If you want him, make your move."

"I don't even know him. I just wanted to make sure he was available before I let myself go there."

Lucy sat back and crossed her arms over her chest. "So _he_ told you he's gay?"

"In a manner of speaking."

"Interesting. Mitchell tends to keep to himself. Was Diamond around?"

"No, he'd left. Are they friends?"

"They are," Lucy nodded. "I think Mitchell's the only one who puts up with his crap."

"So he really is a dick."

"Sometimes. We all have layers."

Kendall nodded, considering that. "Okay, so...thanks for the talk."

"Anytime. You need to get back?"

"I probably should."

"We've got another twenty minutes before the bell, come help me with Hogwarts."

"I really have no idea where any of those pieces go."

"Then we're in the same boat! Come on, Knight, save me from boredom."

Kendall chuckled. He supposed it was the least he could do as a thank you for the pep talk.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

One more chapter before I go back to work. Hope you enjoy! And if I haven't said it enough, thank you to those reading. Real life can really suck sometimes, and it's so nice to have this to escape to when we need it. :)

* * *

As usual, it was Susan who joined Logan first at the lunch table. He knew James would be there in a matter of minutes, Mary hopefully not at all, and wondered if Kendall had made other friends in the athletics department since Friday that would keep him away.

With a guy like Kendall, Logan wouldn't be surprised.

"Hey," came from above, an almost-nervous sound.

Logan looked up with his heart in his throat, a bright grin greeting Kendall, but Susan spoke before he could.

"Hi, you're the new P.E. guy, right?"

"I am. Kendall."

"Susan. I work in math. This is—"

"We've met," Logan jumped in, gesturing toward the empty chair next to him. James usually sat there, but James would just have to get over it. He'd promised again just that morning to be nice if Kendall showed up for lunch. "How's it been?"

"Good, actually." Kendall set his brown paper lunch sack on the table before sinking down.

"The kids treating you well?"

"Most of them, yeah. I wasn't sure if they'd respect me, being so young, but the team seemed receptive to me Friday afternoon. Today will be the real test, since we're getting in some actual practice."

"I'm sure it'll be great," Logan smiled, meaning it. Kendall just had that way about him that won people over. He wondered if it would be the same with James, should James actually give Kendall a chance.

"Oh! Mary!" Susan jumped up upon spying her buddy heading toward a different table; she grabbed her tray and turned to Kendall. "It was nice meeting you! Let me know if you need anything."

"I will, thanks." Kendall waited until she'd moved away to say, "She seems nice."

"Yeah, she's not so bad. Watch out for Mary, though, she's a major gossip."

"Good to know." Kendall bit into a sandwich, then said, "I need advice on something you've probably dealt with."

"Shoot."

"How do I make the girls stop throwing themselves at me?"

Logan laughed so hard he choked on his lasagna. "I'm not at all surprised you have that problem."

"I think it's my youth."

"I think it's that you're hot."

A small grin formed on Kendall's face, his cheeks flushed when he replied. "If that's the case, you definitely have the same problem."

A shocked look was Logan's reaction. "You think I'm hot?"

"Well...if that makes you uncomfortable, I can retract it."

"It's...I...nobody's ever said that before."

"Then they're either blind or too shy to say it out loud. Are you telling me the girls don't try to get extra study time with you?"

"They do," Logan admitted sheepishly. "James teases me about it all the time. Actually, he's probably the best one to ask for advice. He constantly has students coming on to him."

"Of course he does. Being on T.V. will do that."

"True," Logan nodded. He spotted James frozen just inside the lounge door and inclined his head in a "come over here" gesture. James still hesitated. Logan held up a second container of lasagna with a raised brow and smirked when he saw James mutter under his breath.

Kendall followed his gaze. "Is it okay that I'm here?"

"Of course. I was just letting him know I brought leftovers for lunch."

James approached stiffly, standing behind Kendall's chair. "Is that lasagna?"

"You know it is." He set down the container in front of the chair Susan had vacated, forcing James to take the seat on his right. "I already warmed it up. And here, there was one more brownie left so I brought it for you."

"Thanks," James uttered grudgingly.

"This is Kendall, but you knew that. Kendall, this is the friend I was telling you about that's a huge hockey fan."

Kendall glanced around Logan and nodded. "Hey. James, right?"

"Yep."

"Kendall was asking how to deal with all the girls trying to get into his pants. What's your secret, James?"

"All the...what?"

Logan tried again, praying James would be civil. The way he was spearing pasta onto a fork gave him little hope. "He's having the same problem you do, that his students flirt with him. How do you discourage them?"

"Well, I guess it depends on how you want it to go. If you actually _want_ them to get into your pants, then—"

"I don't!" Kendall assured them hurriedly. "That's the last thing I want."

"Then just tell them to knock it off."

Logan frowned. "Is that how you handle it?"

"Of course. Don't you?"

"I just keep it professional. Get their minds back on task."

James rolled his eyes while reaching for the can of soda Logan had set out for him. "That's not a clear enough message. You have to actually tell them it's never going to happen or they're just gonna keep trying and trying."

"Come on, you're—"

"How long does it usually take before they give up on you, Logan?"

"I..." Not wanting to admit that James might be right, Logan sighed. "At least they're getting some extra help on their math in the meantime."

Again, James rolled his eyes. "You can't play games with them. Just tell them flat-out that you're flattered but it's not going anywhere. Use the rule about not dating students if you have to. That's helped me a lot."

Logan asked, "Are you at least nice about it when you shoot them down?"

"Always. Unless they don't get the message and you have to keep telling them. Then I get a little more harsh about it."

Kendall had been quiet during the discussion, but when Logan looked over at him he seemed to be considering their words. "What do you think?" Logan wanted to know.

"Honestly? I think James has the right idea. Yeah, it hurts, but if you don't shut it down right away, you're giving them false hope."

"Thank you." James nodded as if the point had been made. "No wonder those girls keep showing up early for class, Logan. You have to be firm."

"Firm isn't really my thing." When the sentence was met with a smirk from both sides, Logan shook his head. "You're both immature."

"Hey, I didn't say anything!" Kendall argued.

"You didn't have to. A year around James has taught me to watch what I say."

"Really? This from the guy who turned nuts into a come-on?" Kendall teased. Logan blushed hard, hiding his face in both hands. Kendall laughed and squeezed his shoulder. "I wasn't saying I minded it."

That got Logan looking over. He lowered his hands to ask, "Really?"

Kendall nodded, hoping that Logan would read the message in his eyes because he wasn't good at talking about feelings.

"Logan!"

All three heads swung toward Susan.

"We need to go now or we're gonna be late."

"Oh, crap. It's Monday. I totally forgot about our department meeting." Logan stood up in a hurry. "James, can you...?"

"I got it. Go ahead."

"Thanks. See you after school."

"I'll be there."

"Kendall, it was nice talking to you. See you tomorrow?"

"Sure."

Though the staff room was teeming with talk, the silence that settled over Kendall and James felt deafening.

"So...Logan says you're into hockey. Ever played?"

"No. No, I wasn't...there was something...I need to go."

Just like that James was gathering the remains of his and Logan's lunches, in an obvious hurry to get away. Kendall sighed, wondering if the guy was always like this or if it was just him.

Probably just him.

"See you tomorrow?" Kendall tried.

James spared him one last look, his eyes a storm, and rushed out.

* * *

Logan glanced toward the television, the loud barrage of gunfire distracting while he attempted to grade math tests. He was used to it, but James tended to be such a good shot that only a few were needed; this sounded like WWIII going off.

As Logan continued to watch, he noted that James was missing most of the shots and frowned. He'd sensed that something was on James' mind from the moment he'd arrived at Logan's place, and assumed it had to do with Kendall. When Logan had asked how it went after he left for his meeting, all James said was, "I didn't stay long." He refused to talk about it past that. Now Logan wondered if there was more to James' uncharacteristic quietness.

"How long have you been on that level?" Logan asked, eyes back on his paperwork.

"I don't know."

"I'm just asking because you usually pass this one with your eyes closed. You make fun of me because I struggle with it."

"So?"

"So...you're struggling."

"What, so I can't have a bad day?" James snapped.

"Of course you can. I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Logan knew that dangerous tone; something was definitely bothering James. "Can we talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

After setting his pile of tests aside, Logan sighed and turned to face James, who was still attempting (not very successfully) to blow away the enemies. "Please talk to me. You know you always feel better once you do."

"Not this time," James bit out.

Okay, that hurt. Logan liked being the one James came to when he was upset or angry. It made him feel needed and appreciated. "Well...you know where to find me if that changes." And why was he about to _cry_ over this? So James didn't want to talk, so what? He probably would once he cooled down.

Logan gathered the tests again and set them on his lap, trying to regain his focus. One minute more of nothing but gunfire was suddenly interrupted when the controller was thrown to the table and James shot up from the couch and yelled, "What the fuck, Logan?"

 _Finally._ Whatever was wrong, they'd talk it out and go back to being okay. After tossing the papers lightly onto the table, Logan sat back and looked up. "What are you angry about?"

"I just..." James shook his head, turning away, and Logan realized it wasn't anger at all. Well, okay, maybe _some_ anger, but James was at a loss. James was...hurting?

Logan stood up and went to him, moving in behind to settle a hand on James' shoulder. "Please talk to me," he said softly. "Is it Kendall?"

Silence. It was definitely Kendall.

"Did you fight with him after I left?"

"No." Sullen, pouty. That was a good sign; Logan could deal with sullen and pouty.

"What happened?"

"Nothing, I told you. I left."

"Right away?"

"He tried to talk to me about hockey."

"Ah." Bad move on Kendall's part, but how would he have known that? "And you got mad at him again for ruining it all?"

"No, I just...left."

"Okay?"

James suddenly spun around, Logan's hand dropping away with the movement. "Is he gay?"

Well, _that_ wasn't where Logan had expected James' head to be. "What?"

"You were fucking flirting with him. And it sounds like you were on Friday, too."

"Oh." Logan had completely forgotten about today's conversation about that, except the part where Kendall said he didn't mind the "coming on." That had been swirling around in his brain since lunch. "Well...yeah. I was. And it's not really my place to talk about his interests, but since he admitted it in front you, then I'll tell you that he's curious. He wants to try guys."

James nodded slowly, this obviously confirmation of whatever had been bothering him.

"He's not a bad guy, James. I wish you'd just talk to him and give him a chance."

"So you're gonna date him or what?"

"I..." Logan shrugged. "We really haven't had time to talk about anything like that."

"Do you want to?"

Knowing James would hate the idea of his best friend dating someone who made him angry on sight, Logan sighed. This wasn't going to be easy. "I wouldn't...say no. If he asked."

There was that nodding again, as if James had been expecting the answer. "Great. So you're gonna date my worst enemy."

"He's not your enemy, James! He did nothing to you personally!"

"Still, you know how I feel about him!"

"I'm sorry, but you need to get over that. What he did was the right thing to do."

James didn't argue the point. Instead he stared at Logan for a long time in silence before asking, "Do you like him?"

"I mean..." Why did Logan feeling like crying again? What the hell was wrong with him, he never cried. "Yeah. I don't know him very well yet, but what I do know...yeah. He um. Makes me feel good about myself."

And why was James on the verge of tears also? Logan saw them gathering before James looked away, arms defensively across his chest. "Okay."

"Okay?"

They were suddenly both crying and trying hard to fight it. James conquered it first, regaining control to say, "If he makes you happy. Just...make sure he knows that if he hurts you, I'll kill him."

Logan threw himself into James' arms, James hugging him tight and letting Logan cry. He had no idea why Logan was crying, but assumed it was because they'd never really fought before. He knew that Logan was a master of keeping his feelings inside; every once in awhile, though, they slipped out like this, and James was grateful to be the one Logan felt like he could be vulnerable with.

For now, anyway. One day there would be someone else. Possibly Kendall. The thought made James want to cry all over again.

* * *

" _Rusherone has requested a private chat. ACCEPT or DECLINE?"_

James quickly clicked on "ACCEPT" with a sigh of relief. He'd been sitting in front of his laptop for twenty minutes praying Rush would show up, because he was going crazy inside his own head and needed the distraction.

 **Rusherone:** Hey, hot stuff.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hot stuff?

 **Rusherone:** I know, it's lame. I'm trying to be more flirty and thought I'd start with that. This is why I need your help.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well, I have to admit I've never been called hot stuff before. It does make me feel good about myself.

 **Rusherone:** Good! But does it make you want to like...flirt back?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're adorable. Ditch the hot stuff, we'll come up with something better. You're on the right track, though.

 **Rusherone:** Awesome. How was your weekend?

James didn't want to think about his weekend. It had been perfect, actually. He'd gone along with Logan to the party, where they'd pigged out on fattening foods and he got away with standing way too close to his friend for hours because Mrs. Mitchell encouraged it. There had even been times when Logan allowed an arm around his waist, and James was in heaven. After the party they'd returned to Logan's apartment and fallen asleep together on the sofa while watching a dumb movie. Sunday was always his favorite day of the week, and this one had been no different. They'd spent the morning out walking, then showered before finding a new spot to try for lunch. The food hadn't been fantastic, but it wasn't about the food for James, anyway (well, it mostly wasn't).

What mattered was spending the time with Logan and nobody else. They always cooked dinner together on Sundays, no outside influence at all, and James loved that he could be himself—except, of course, for that one glaring omission he kept inside and fought whenever Logan's face looked just right in the glow of a lamp. In those moments it was difficult, but James knew better than to show any signs of attraction. Their friendship was what kept him going and he needed it in his life.

All of that was shattered on Monday, though. Out of the blue, Logan—LOGAN!—was flirting with someone. Logan never flirted. Logan didn't even like to make new friends.

 _He made you,_ his mind whispered. _You were new, and he made you feel welcome. Now there's another new hot guy, and apparently it's his turn now. Maybe you weren't all that special on your own. You were just someone he felt sorry for._

 **Kingofdiamonds:** My weekend was great. Today kind of sucked, but the weekend was fantastic. How about you?

 **Rusherone:** Well, I met you, so that was a good thing. Work went well today, too. Want to talk about your bad day?

Why did this guy care? A total stranger wanted to hear him whine?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't want to bore you. But I was right about my buddy. He's been flirting with someone and I think they're gonna date. It fucking hurts. I know it shouldn't. He deserves to be happy. But I don't want to lose him. Not yet.

 **Rusherone:** When do you want to lose him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What kind of question is that?

 **Rusherone:** I'm just asking, will there ever be a good time to lose him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. He's incredible.

 **Rusherone:** So it isn't the fact that it's now. It's the fact that it's happening at all.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are you psychoanalyzing me?

 **Rusherone:** Maybe. If it bothers you, I'll stop. I'm sorry that you're hurting over this.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I just thought I had more time.

 **Rusherone:** Are you SURE he wouldn't go for you if he knew the truth?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Positive. I'm so not what he needs.

 **Rusherone:** Do you know the guy he's interested in?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sort of. It's the hot guy I mentioned from work.

 **Rusherone:** Is it jealousy? Are you upset because you want the hot guy for yourself?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. I didn't even know he was into dudes. I'm actually really surprised about that.

 **Rusherone:** And you're sure you don't want to tell your buddy? It wouldn't change anything between you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It would, because he'd know right away I was in love with him. And that would change everything. He'd be careful around me, wouldn't sit so close or cuddle with me. He'd have the "I love you but not like THAT" talk and probably feel bad letting me down, then feel bad thinking he led me on. I don't want to put him through that.

 **Rusherone:** Okay. I just feel like if you ever plan to tell him, this is the right time. Before he falls in love with someone else.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He needs this. He says he's not lonely but I think he's lying a little bit. I mean, I'm lonely even with a best friend like him.

 **Rusherone:** Because you want more.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He deserves more. This guy that he's into, he's actually a good person. I know enough about him to know that. He'd take care of my buddy, which is what my buddy needs. I just always liked being that person, you know?

 **Rusherone:** I know. I'm so sorry.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** When he told me today, I kind of lost it and freaked out on him. But in the end I did the right thing and told him he should go for it. That's good, right? That's not a selfish thing to do?

 **Rusherone:** No, it's not selfish at all. I'm proud of you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You are?

 **Rusherone:** Sure. It's not easy to push someone you want into someone else's arms. That's really mature.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Wow. I don't think anyone's ever called me that before.

 **Rusherone:** Maybe you never earned it before. ;)

James laughed, the winky face doing for him what Rush's words had been attempting to. He felt a little better.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So that's my day. How are you doing on the hunt for romance?

 **Rusherone:** Not bad. I think I found someone I want to ask out.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's great! When are you gonna do it?

 **Rusherone:** I don't know. The thought of it makes me want to throw up. How do you ask someone out?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You just do it, I guess. Do you have any hobbies in common?

 **Rusherone:** I don't really know. That's the problem, I don't know enough about him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Does he have any friends you can ask?

 **Rusherone:** One, but that guy doesn't seem to like me much.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What a dick. Why doesn't he like you?

 **Rusherone:** I'm honestly not even sure. He just hasn't from the moment we met.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well, forget about him. He sounds like a loser. If you don't have a way to find out what your guy is into, you'll have to find out yourself. How do you know this guy?

 **Rusherone:** Work.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay, cool. So can you like...have lunch with him or something?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah, I already do. But his buddy's always there.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Damn. You need to get rid of this asswipe.

 **Rusherone:** I can't just ask him to leave.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Is there anywhere else at work you can get him alone?

 **Rusherone:** Not really. We don't work in the same area.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Then I guess you have to cut straight to the date. Ask him out and take him someplace you can just talk.

 **Rusherone:** But that's my problem, I don't know what he likes.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You know what everybody likes? Coffee.

 **Rusherone:** Coffee?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sure! What if you say something like "Hey, I was heading out to this coffee place after work, want to join me?"

 **Rusherone:** I can't after work. I get home late, remember?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh, right. And he doesn't?

 **Rusherone:** I don't think so.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Can you leave work for lunch?

 **Rusherone:** I'm sure I can.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So ask him to go somewhere else with you for lunch.

 **Rusherone:** Hmm. Maybe. But the buddy. If the buddy's there, he probably won't want to leave the buddy out.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Is there a way you can go to his area and just pop in to ask? Like does he have an office or something?

 **Rusherone:** He does. I bet I could stop in tomorrow morning before work.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** There you go! Do it! If he says he doesn't want to leave his buddy, then try for dinner or something.

 **Rusherone:** What if I'm reading him all wrong? What if he isn't interested in me and was just being nice?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You won't know until you ask.

 **Rusherone:** Damn, that's logic I can't fight.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Wow, I said something logical. My buddy would be proud.

 **Rusherone:** Haha thanks for the advice. I'm still scared to actually do it, but at least now I have an idea. What about you? Is there someone else you'd be interested in that we could get you on a date with?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Can't go on dates. In the closet, remember?

 **Rusherone:** I think you'd be happier if you weren't.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Maybe, but I have my reasons. And please don't try to convince me to come out. This has to stay a secret for now.

 **Rusherone:** You're not some politician, are you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Me? Please. I can barely even spell the word.

 **Rusherone:** Well, we need to find you someone to talk to so you can practice. That's what I'm helping you with, right? Talking to people?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I guess.

 **Rusherone:** So who in your life would you like to talk to but don't know how?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Everyone?

 **Rusherone:** Narrow it down to one for me. Wait, what about the hot dude your friend is into?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh, that's not a good idea.

 **Rusherone:** Why not? If they start dating, you'll need to get along with him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** But he's hot! What if he figures out that I'm gay because I can't stop staring at him? I can't be alone with him, I freak out!

 **Rusherone:** Practice. It's gonna take practice.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't even know what to say.

 **Rusherone:** Where do you run into him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** At lunch.

 **Rusherone:** And what do you normally do? Sit there and say nothing?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No, I talk, it just always comes out sounding like I'm an asshole.

 **Rusherone:** Why not talk to him like you do your buddy?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I do. The difference is my buddy knows how I am and accepts me anyway.

 **Rusherone:** Maybe this guy will, too.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Nope. He's...I don't even know how to describe him. He's not gonna put up with my attitude.

 **Rusherone:** Then let's teach you how to talk without it. Pretend I'm him. What would you normally say when I show up?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Nothing.

 **Rusherone:** That's your first mistake. How about hi?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm telling you, he makes me nervous.

 **Rusherone:** You can't even say hi?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Fine. He shows up and I say hi. Then what?

 **Rusherone:** I'm him, okay? And I say something like...hey, how it's going?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Fine.

 **Rusherone:** And?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And what?

 **Rusherone:** Then you ask how HE'S doing?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's so much to deal with, though.

 **Rusherone:** You do it with me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** But I like you. I actually care about how you're doing.

 **Rusherone:** Pretend you like him. For your buddy's sake. Maybe you'll learn more about him and like him for real. I mean, if your buddy's into him, he can't be all bad, right?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. The truth is, if I was out and wasn't already into my buddy, I'd want to date him. He's pretty much got it all.

 **Rusherone:** Well, he's off limits. Just be nice, dude! It's not hard!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't know how.

 **Rusherone:** I'm telling you how. Okay, here's your assignment for tomorrow. Are you writing this down?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Now you're a teacher? :P

 **Rusherone:** Sure I am. :P Your assignment for tomorrow is to say hi to him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's it?

 **Rusherone:** Yes. And if he asks how you are, answer him and then ask how he is. That's really all. If you can manage that, I'll be super proud of you.

James took a deep breath. It sounded so simple, and for someone like Rush, it probably was. For him, though...

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay. I'll do it. But if I blow it, it's on your head.

 **Rusherone:** And now I'm thinking about blowjobs.

A laugh broke free from James while at the same time something jerked in his pants.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And just like that, so am I. :P Who says you don't know how to flirt?

 **Rusherone:** Was that flirting? Is it really that easy?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It really is. Try it some more.

 **Rusherone:** No, I can't do it on command!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Just try. Say something naughty.

 **Rusherone:** Oh my god, stop! I'm not capable of dirty talk.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** We'll change that. ;) Same time tomorrow night?

 **Rusherone:** For sure. I expect a full report on how his day was.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And I expect you to tell me your guy said yes to lunch.

 **Rusherone:** Deal. I hope. Can I ask a question that might make you uncomfortable?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Maybe?

 **Rusherone:** Are you hard right now?

James swallowed over the sudden lump in his throat. Not only was he hard, he was breathless.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I thought it was just me.

 **Rusherone:** Wow. Okay, so...that's something new. A good sign, though, right? It means we're feeling things?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Totally. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go "feel things" in my bedroom.

 **Rusherone:** Holy shit, that's hot. See you tomorrow?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'll be here. Night, Rush.

 **Rusherone:** Night, King. Have fun. ;)

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hey, you're flirting! I'm proud of you!

 **Rusherone:** :P

" _Rusherone has left the chat."_

James sat back in the chair, his jeans suddenly too confining and his head full of visions of Knight taking care of himself.

"Fuck," he groaned. "I really have to stop picturing him."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Found a little time before work to sneak this in. I'm SO SO happy you guys are enjoying this story! :D Thanks for reading.

* * *

 **Tuesday**

Logan's steps faltered when he neared his classroom, his heartbeat picking up into a faster rhythm. Kendall Knight was standing outside the door.

"Hey," Logan managed, nerves making him fumble the attempt to switch his cloth briefcase from one hand to the other while still keeping hold of a bag of food. It started to slip, but Kendall awkwardly bent down to catch it before gravity took control. "Thanks. I uh...must be because it's so early, I'm not usually this clumsy."

"I never was either until I lost part of my leg. Balance had never been an issue for me." Kendall turned the knob and opened the door for Logan, who thanked him again before stepping inside the empty room.

He set his briefcase on the desk and smiled up at Kendall. "This is a nice surprise."

"Is it? I was worried you'd be a little creeped out that I was waiting outside your classroom."

"I guess that depends on the reason," Logan smirked. "What can I help you with?"

"Um. Well..."

Logan's gaze narrowed when Kendall started to show signs of his own nerves. A hand on the back of his neck, his cheeks flushing, and gorgeous green eyes looking anywhere but into his. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine, I just...would you believe this is my first time asking anyone out?"

 _Oh my god._ Logan froze in shock.

"Wow, I'm still holding this." Kendall set the plastic bag containing two foam containers on the desk, then stepped back. "Sorry, I'm a complete failure when it comes to this sort of thing."

"No, it's not you, I just...really? Me?"

"Why not you?" Now Kendall found the courage to meet Logan's gaze, and when he did, a hesitant smile graced his features. "I admit I don't know you very well, but I like what I do know."

The smile helped Logan relax. Kendall was just as nervous as he was. "What did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking lunch today. I'm new to the area, so you probably know the places around here best but—"

"Oh. Kendall, I'm so sorry, but I can't do lunch."

"Meeting?"

"No, it's not that, it's...hard to explain. James is going through a rough time right now and I need to be there for him. I'm really sorry."

"Oh. Sure. That's totally cool, I understand. Should I not sit with you guys today?"

"No, it's fine, I just don't want to leave him alone."

"Okay. Well um...yeah. See you then, I guess."

"Kendall, I really am sorry."

"It's totally fine." Kendall waved it away like it was no big deal, then turned toward the room's entrance. "Have a good day."

"Kendall—"

The door opened just as Kendall was reaching for it. Expecting a student, he started to nod politely but then froze when it was James who almost barreled into him with a container of coffee cups. "Sorry," Kendall mumbled.

Logan watched emotions flicker across James' face and prayed he wouldn't sink into the immature rudeness that came out when he was feeling off balance. "Hey," was what came out instead.

Kendall licked his lips, not sure how to read that one word. "Hey. How's it going?"

"Uh...fine. Uh...you?"

"It's...not bad. See you at lunch."

"Sure."

Once they were alone, Logan let out the breath he hadn't known he was holding. "Thanks. I know you're trying."

James slowly approached the desk, then laid down the coffee. "What did he want?"

"Kendall? Just...you know. I think he's just trying to get to know me better."

"Right," James nodded, still not looking at Logan and instead focusing on removing his cup from the cradle. "So are you gonna date him?"

"Not today."

"Okay. I mean, if you do, it's cool."

"Really?" Logan searched for any sign of a lie in that, but James wouldn't meet his eyes. "I know you don't like him."

Finally James raised his gaze. "I just want you to be happy, Logan."

"I know." Logan reached into the bag and pulled out one of the meals. "Pancakes today."

"Dude, you always know just what to say."

With a grin, Logan passed it over. "Extra syrup for you."

"Thanks. I had them add an extra shot of hazelnut for you. Figured I need to treat you once in awhile, make sure you stick around."

Hearing the fear behind the joke, Logan was glad he'd said no to Kendall. James didn't have anyone besides him, and even with their non-romantic status it would be difficult on him when Logan started dating. He didn't even want to think about what it would feel like when James did. "I'm not going anywhere, James."

"Of course you're not, then who would bring you coffee every morning?"

"Exactly. Can't walk away from that."

The smile James tossed back was the flirty one that always made Logan's heart stutter. "See you at lunch."

"I'll be there. Hey, wait. Did you talk to your girl last night? How did it go?"

"Really good, actually. She's...pretty amazing. I can't wait to talk to her again tonight. I feel like we could talk for hours."

"That's...so great. I'm happy for you, James. You deserve someone special in your life."

"So do you. Do what you need to do, okay? Don't let anyone hold you back."

 _Don't let anyone hold you back._

The sentence echoed in Logan's mind after James escaped. He was letting James hold him back, and for what? Something that would never be? He hadn't wanted to hurt James' feelings by abandoning him at lunch, but James was making it clear that there was someone new in his life that he found...interesting. Worthy of his time. Probably way more fun than Logan.

 _It's time. It's never going to change, and it's time._

* * *

"Coach."

Kendall kept his attention on the hoop, the ball bouncing up against his hand as he dribbled it. He hadn't made a shot once and the kids were starting to tease him about it. "I got this, dude. Hockey's my thing, but if I can't even sink one shot, I'm a failure as a man."

"Coach, no. Mr. Mitchell wants you. He's over by the door."

His hand missed the ball. One of the students reached out to grab it, and then Kendall realized that all of them were staring behind him toward the door. When Kendall spun around he grinned at the sight of Logan looking so uncomfortable and out of place in a high school gym. Logan lifted a hand in greeting and Kendall started walking toward him, the students forgotten for a moment.

All except Oscar, who kept pace next to him. "Hey uh...Coach. I know you're new here so you probably don't know all the gossip and stuff, but...I need to warn you just in case. Mitchell's gay, okay?"

"Is he?" Kendall smirked.

"Yeah. I got nothing against gay dudes, but I didn't want you getting into an awkward situation."

"Do all the students know this about him?"

"It's the gossip. I mean I guess it might not be true, because some even think Mr. Diamond's gay. And we all know _he's_ not."

"We do know that," Kendall agreed. He patted Oscar on the shoulder. "Thanks for the heads up. I appreciate you looking out for me. I'll be right back and I expect you to get out of my way so I can make that shot."

"In your dreams, man!"

Oscar laughed behind him, Kendall closing the distance until he was close enough to speak quietly with Logan. "Are you lost, Mr. Mitchell?" he teased.

"You caught me. I was looking for the library."

"I would've guessed a math conference."

"You would've been _so_ wrong."

They shared a grin, Kendall biting his lip before asking, "To what do I owe the pleasure of your gorgeous smile?"

"Wow. You're slick."

Kendall blinked in surprise. "Really? That was good?"

"It was excellent. You can't see it, but I'm swooning on the inside."

"No shit. You're not just saying that?"

"I'm really not," Logan laughed. "It's embarrassing to admit that, but...it's true."

"Nice. I've been trying to work on my flirting."

"Is that all I am to you? Practice?"

When Kendall stepped even closer, Logan's breath caught. "Is that all you want to be?"

Logan cleared his throat, having to fight for composure. "Um. So you uh...you asked me out? This morning?"

"I did. You said no."

"I wanted to apologize for that. It wasn't that I didn't want to, it was just—"

"I know. You're a good friend and James is a little needy. Is that it?"

"Well...I guess that's accurate, but it's not like he hasn't been there for me when I was needy."

"I understand. If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me."

"Right, that's...actually why I'm here."

One of Kendall's eyebrows shot up. "You want to get lunch with me?"

"I was thinking maybe dinner. If you're free."

"Dinner." Mind spinning, Kendall nodded before Logan could change his mind again. "Anytime. Just not before six, because I stay after to coach the team."

"Yeah, I have plans after school as well. How about...seven? Is that too late?"

"No, that's perfect. What kind of food do you like? I'll buy."

"Let's go halves. You good with Chinese?"

"I am _great_ with Chinese. Just don't expect me to use chopsticks."

"I can live with that," Logan laughed. "So uh. It's a date?"

"It is one hundred percent a date."

Logan couldn't find words, his elation making itself known via a bright smile and dancing eyes.

"Would you mind picking me up? I'm only a mile from here."

"No, that's fine. Seven o'clock."

"Seven o'clock," Kendall echoed, and they quickly exchanged information before he asked, "So how long were you standing there watching me?"

"What time is it?" Logan looked up at the clock on the wall. "Let's see, my free period started eleven minutes ago, it took me about three to walk over here, so...long enough to know you play basketball about as well as I do?"

"Wow, are you really going there, Mitchell?"

"I'm going there, Knight."

"Don't move. I'm gonna sink the next one."

"That's not what your students are saying. It's really nothing more than physics, you know."

"Keep it up and I'm making you pay the whole check tonight."

"Make that shot and you get a kiss goodnight."

Kendall inhaled sharply. "Oh, you are so getting kissed tonight."

"I'll believe it when I see it, Hot Shot."

Without another word, Kendall strode back to the court and reached out an arm for the ball. Oscar tossed it to him. "Coach, you're never gonna make it from back there. You can't even make it from here."

"Watch and learn about the power of motivation, my young ones."

Kendall thought about what it might feel like to kiss Logan, to tease his lips open with a probing tongue. He studied the net as if it was a goal he had to shoot a puck into, figuring out trajectory and aim, then tossed the ball with determination.

Nothing but net.

* * *

Lucy's pen stopped in mid-word at a knock on her door. "It's open!" When Kendall poked his head in, she grinned.

"You busy?"

"I'm free for the next ten minutes." She waited until Kendall was inside with the door closed to squeal, "Look! I finished one of the turrets! I finally figured it out!"

Kendall frowned at the Lego cylinder she held up proudly. "It's kind of..."

"Don't say uneven. If you look at the box, it's supposed to look that way. At least..." She glanced back and forth between the picture and the object in her hand. "Damn. Well, there goes my high for the day. You'd better be here with good news."

"I am, actually." Kendall took the seat in front of her desk. "I just wanted to thank you for the advice about Logan. I probably would've waited too long on my own, and totally blown my chance."

"Yeah? So you asked him out?"

"This morning. He said no."

"I can't say I'm surprised. I was hoping he'd have the guts to do it, though."

"Then he came and found me last period to ask me to dinner instead of lunch."

Lucy's eyes lit up while her mouth dropped open. "Seriously? Go, Mitchell! I didn't think he had that in him!"

"He did. I'm nervous but excited and...I need help."

"With what?"

"I've never actually been on a date."

"Are you kidding? Even before the whole leg thing?"

"I was too busy with hockey before that."

"Always make time for sex, dude. Or at least for someone who makes you feel good about yourself."

"Hockey did that for me."

"Hockey can't bring you to climax. Or..." Her face screwed up with a grimace. "You know what? I don't want to know. Where are you taking him?"

"We're going out for Chinese."

"God, I love Chinese. You should bring me your leftovers tomorrow."

"I'm hoping there won't be any. We might...you know. Share or something."

Lucy barely held on to the snicker that wanted to break free. "You're adorable. I'm guessing you find that romantic?"

"You're the second person to tell me that."

"Which part?"

"That I'm adorable. Is it a bad thing?"

"No, it's wonderful. It's who you are, don't be ashamed. I'm down to five minutes, what do you want from me?"

"Just...any advice? You know him better than I do, so I was hoping—"

"Not really. I told you, he doesn't talk to people. I think he tolerates Susan from the math department, and then of course there's James. He'd be the one to ask for advice about how to win Logan over. In fact, I'd pay to see that conversation."

"He doesn't like me, so..."

"Right. Also not a surprise. All I can tell you for sure about Logan is that it's best to be...what's the word? Mature? Classy?"

"Oh god, I'm so not classy."

"Just don't be loud and aggressive. That sort of thing seems to turn him off. So does immaturity. Still a mystery to me that he's so close to James, but whatever. Just treat him right. You got any sisters?"

"I do. One."

"Is she younger?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Treat Logan like you'd want a guy to treat her. I don't think you can go wrong with that."

"So...with respect and politeness. That shouldn't be hard, I do respect what I know of him. And I know how to be polite."

"You got this. Let me know how it goes."

"I will. And thanks again."

"That's what I'm here for. But you owe me, so plan to spend all of the period in here tomorrow helping me fix the turret."

"Deal," Kendall laughed.

She stopped him just as he was walking out. "Hey. You planning to eat lunch with Logan and James today?"

"I am."

"Let me know how that goes, too."

Kendall bit his lip. "Should I be worried about it?"

"Nope. Just tell me how it goes."

"...Okay." He stepped aside as a student approached. "Thanks, Lucy."

"Have fun tonight!"

* * *

Logan waved at James before instructing his class to continue on the assignment and stepping out into the hall.

"What's up? You needed to talk to me and it can't wait until lunch?"

"Yeah." Logan looked around, grateful to see they were alone in the hall. "I wanted to warn you, because I know how much it hurt you that Kendall and I were flirting the other day."

James blinked, standing up straighter as his guard came up. "So you're warning me that you're gonna flirt again today?"

"No. At least...well, I don't know what's going to happen. But...he asked me out."

It was like a punch to the stomach, all of the air leaving James' lungs. "Oh. And you said yes?"

"I did. We're going out tonight."

"Oh. Well...congrats. I know you were hoping for that. I'll just go home after school."

"Are you crazy? I need you with me to help me get ready. I'm terrified."

"Why? The guy obviously likes you. And you've been on dates before."

"I know, but...James, please. I need you."

"Right." Reminding himself that nothing mattered but Logan's happiness, James nodded. "Sure."

"I'm sorry. I know he's the last person you want me to date."

"As long as he doesn't hurt you and makes you happy, I'll live with it. Isn't that what friends do?"

"They do," Logan smiled, ignoring the tears that wanted to spring into his eyes anytime James mentioned their friendship. As he'd accepted that morning, it was never going to change. "I just didn't want you to have that bomb dropped on you out of nowhere if we started talking about it at lunch."

"I appreciate that. I really am trying, Logan."

"I know. And it means everything to me."

James nodded. "Okay. See you in about forty-five minutes."

"I brought that yogurt you really like."

"Yeah? Thanks, dude!"

The old friend was back, the fake smile that had seen him through his worst times. It was still easy to fake, James holding it in place until the door closed behind Logan and he could stop acting. Then his lips drooped and he ducked into a nearby restroom, thankful it was unoccupied because the tears weren't going to stay where he needed them to this time.

* * *

Conversation over lunch centered around school, Logan keeping things light and James knowing it was for his sake. The cute little smiles Kendall and Logan shared were bad enough even so. James contributed when asked a direct question, otherwise keeping to himself mostly and wishing the time would pass faster because only part of his discomfort was due to the impending date.

The rest was because Rush and Kendall were becoming a blur in his head and he couldn't seem to separate them. This had to stop.

He later helped Logan pick out an outfit and do his hair, counting down the minutes until he could say it. "I'm gonna head out."

"Already? I don't have to leave until 6:30! What time is it now?"

James slipped his phone out of his pocket and answered, "6:15."

"So that's fifteen more minutes you can stay here and calm me down."

"Dude, you look hot. He's going to love you, there's nothing to worry about."

"Okay but you usually only say that when you're trying to mess with me around my mom. Are you messing with me?"

"I'm not," James chuckled. He dropped his phone lightly onto a nearby table and stepped up to Logan to fix his collar. "I mean it. If I was into dudes, I'd be extremely jealous right now that he gets to enjoy all this."

"The sweater's not too much? I feel like it screams 'nerd.'"

"It does, but that's you. Own it. He knows you're a nerd and he asked you out anyway, right?"

"I guess."

"He _did._ He likes what he sees. It's going to be fine, I promise."

"Should I take something? Like flowers or...I don't know. A box of candy?"

"No, because you're going out to dinner. Wait, do you _have_ a box of candy around here? Because if anyone needs that tonight, it's me."

"In the cupboard above the fridge. I hide it there so you won't find it, and it's high enough up that I have to drag a chair over to reach it. So it keeps me from getting into it unless it's an emergency."

"It's an emergency," James promised. He strutted into the kitchen and stood on tiptoe to open the cupboard. "Dude, you've been holding out! There are five boxes up here!"

"Just take one."

"I might need two."

"You won't need any, because you'll be too busy chatting up your girl."

Well. There _was_ that, James supposed. He thought back to the way he'd ended up so hard after their conversation that he'd had to satisfy himself while attempting to block the vision of Knight doing the same in his head. Sadly, all that aggression he knew Knight was hiding made it difficult, and in the end he'd given in to the visions and let them intensify the moment.

Which...was a really bad idea, considering the guy was probably going to end up his best friend's boyfriend.

 _Fuck it._ James pulled down a second box of chocolate.

"I said one!"

"I'm taking two and you can just suck on that." James spun around to catch a smirk at Logan's lips and tsked. "Really? But I'm the immature one."

"Hey, I'm about to go on a date with a gorgeous guy. Let me think about that sort of thing for once."

"Fine, just don't yell at me for it when I do." Setting down the boxes next to his phone, James noted a new email had come in. He gasped softly when he realized it was to the address he'd created for Rush.

"And these shoes are okay?"

"The shoes are fine, I told you that four times already." James slid the notification to the side, eagerly waiting for the email to open.

 _"Hey, really sorry but I can't make it tonight. I hope things went well with your buddy and the hot guy today, and I can't wait to hear about the conversation you had with him because I believe in you and I know you came through on that. Tomorrow! Same time. :)_

 _Rush"_

James' heart plummeted. The prospect of talking to Rush was all that had been getting him through the torture of helping Logan win another man over. Now all he had was chocolate, and thank God he'd grabbed two boxes.

"What time is it?" Logan wondered.

"Uh, close enough. You should go."

"Okay. One last look at me. Will I do?"

James forced himself to really look at the man who'd come to own his heart, an ache of desperate longing gnawing at his chest. "You're perfect," he said with absolute truth.

"I just hope he thinks so."

"He's not stupid, Logan. He will. Do me a favor and text me when you get home? Just so I know you're home safe."

"I'll try to remember. You excited to go hang out with your girl?"

James blinked a few times before replying, "Totally. It's gonna be a great night."

"I'm glad! We both really need this."

Though he considered going back for a third box, James forced himself to be satisfied with just the two. Logan had once told him eating too much candy too fast would result in a sugar drop strong enough to bring on sleep, and tonight nothing sounded better than that.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Hey guys! Here's the Kogan date, for those of you rooting for them to work out haha. James will be back next chapter. Hope you enjoy! :D

* * *

Logan battled down the urge to call James for another pep talk on the drive to Kendall's apartment. He had to learn how to do this alone, and James deserved time to talk to his own love interest. He'd been on dates before and hadn't been so needy. Why was this one different?

 _Because you got used to James. You didn't have him before and you never dated after meeting him because he was enough. He won't be around much longer, though, so make sure this works._

It was good advice. Logan wasn't going to screw this up.

Kendall answered his knock with a grin. "Hey, I could've waited downstairs in the lobby for you. You didn't have to come all the way up here."

"It's no problem. You ready?"

"Yeah, let me just grab my phone and... _now_ I'm ready."

Logan allowed Kendall to lead the way to the elevator, already nervous again. What in the world would they talk about over dinner? What about the drive? Oh god, even the elevator ride would be torture if they couldn't—

"You look amazing."

Stopping in front of the metal doors, Logan spun around in surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah. I have no idea how you do it, but you totally pull off that sweater."

"Thanks," Logan replied, a blush staining his cheeks as his lips formed a tiny smile. Once they were inside the box he studied Kendall, who had chosen a deep blue button-up and black jeans. His bangs were swept back off his forehead, giving him an older, sexier look. "You uh...you look incredible as well."

"You don't have to say that because I did," Kendall chuckled. He moved to Logan's right side and slid an arm over his shoulders to guide him through the lobby.

"I'm not, you really do. I'm just not very good with coming right out and saying what I'm thinking."

"We'll work on that."

Logan leaned into him slightly as they walked, enjoying the feel of a strong body against him until they reached the car. He moved away to click the doors unlocked before opening the passenger one for Kendall.

"Thanks again for picking me up."

"No problem." He watched as Kendall carefully lowered himself to the seat, then slowly lifted the prosthetic inside. "You good?"

"Great. Thanks."

Logan caught a whiff of the cologne Kendall had put on and inhaled. Just like James, the man knew how to smell good when he needed to. He closed the door and went around to climb in behind the wheel.

"I meant what I said, you know," Kendall uttered once Logan was strapped in.

"About what?"

"About you saying what's on your mind. If I make you uncomfortable at any point tonight, please let me know. Dating is new to me and I might make a complete ass of myself before the night is through."

"I seriously doubt that will happen," Logan laughed. "If it helps, you're acing it so far."

Kendall glanced over with a smirk as Logan pulled into traffic. "Yeah?"

"Mm-hm."

"Cool. Feel free to tell me what I'm doing right, too."

"So far, everything."

"Nice."

Logan could feel Kendall's grin without even looking over. "The same goes for you. If I bore you senseless, which I have a tendency to do, I won't hold it against you if you want to leave or don't want a second date. It can get complicated dating a co-worker but I don't want this to ruin that, so...I'd rather we remain friends if this doesn't go well. Unless of course I do something to make you hate me completely."

"Logan, that's not gonna happen." Kendall's hand reached over to squeeze his thigh. "I like you or I wouldn't have been so desperate to get you alone."

Feeling warmth spread through his chest, Logan smiled. "Let's just hope I don't do anything to ruin that."

They were stopped at a red light when Kendall leaned closer to whisper, "I'm not worried about it."

A thrill ran through Logan, who felt his nerves start to drain away. Maybe this would be okay, after all.

* * *

They stared at each other across a table at Logan's favorite Chinese restaurant, Logan thinking how different it felt with Kendall rather than James, who could never make up his mind what he wanted because he wanted _everything._ Kendall, on the other hand, looked the menu over once before setting it down and reaching for the pot of hot tea between them.

Maybe he'd get an order to go and take it to James for lunch tomorrow. That would certainly help any sulky moods that might result from this.

"You know what's weird?" Kendall asked. "I hate tea, never drink it, but whenever I go to an actual Chinese restaurant, I drink it. It just tastes better here."

"It's probably because of the way it complements the food. The tastes just work together in your mouth."

"Maybe. My mom drinks tea every night and I just don't get it. That stuff tastes like crap."

"I do, too," Logan admitted sheepishly. "It helps relax me before bed. James teases me about it and calls me 'old man' when I do."

Though Kendall chuckled, he said, "It's cool, to each his own. Do you actually like the flavor, though? Because hot chocolate could do the same thing, and it's so much better."

"That's exactly what James tells me. I do like the flavor, though. I mean, you have to buy the right flavors. Peppermint's good. Orange, too."

"Orange tea? Really?"

"Yep. Don't knock it till you try it."

"I'll pass," Kendall laughed.

The server approached to take their orders, and once he'd moved away Logan poured himself a cup.

"So...can I ask you something?" When Logan met his gaze with curiosity, Kendall added, "It's just...I just need to ask."

"Of course, you can ask me anything."

"Well, you mentioned James teasing you when you drink tea."

"Okay?"

"And also said you drink tea right before bed."

It took Logan a few seconds, but he finally understood. "Oh. He stays over once in awhile. Like if we go out and are out late, he usually just crashes at my place. It's not...there's nothing...he's totally straight."

"I know, I just...I'm sorry. It's our first date and I'm already sounding like a possessive boyfriend."

"No, it's a valid question. I'd wonder the same thing if you had a friend who stayed over." After a pause, Logan asked, "Do you?"

"Nope. The only people who will be visiting me are my mom and sister. And you, if I'm lucky," he winked.

That got a laugh out of Logan. "All signs point to yes."

"Whoa, dude, I haven't thought of that in ages! I used to have one of those Magic 8 Ball things."

"Did you consult it before every big moment?"

"Uh...wow, this is embarrassing. Before every game."

"You're adorable," Logan grinned.

"Why does everybody keep saying that?!"

"That you're adorable? Probably because you are. Who else says it?"

"Just a couple of friends I've made since moving here. Did you consult it before every big test?"

"I did not," Logan answered proudly. "I got it as a gift for my twelfth birthday, I think from my aunt? And I knew it was crap. So I put it to the test and sure enough, the first time I asked it a question, it was wrong. I never touched it again."

Kendall tilted his head. "What did you ask?"

"It's...I don't even..."

"Logan, what did you ask?"

"This is so embarrassing."

"Please, I've already embarrassed myself. Talk to me."

Logan looked away, taking in a deep breath and trying to act like it wasn't anything. "I asked if Scotty Tollman had a crush on me."

"Scotty Tollman?" Kendall was tickled. "Neighborhood crush?"

"Next door neighbor," Logan nodded. "He didn't."

"And the Magic 8 Ball said he did?"

"All signs point to yes," Logan repeated.

"So how did you know it was wrong?"

"Because I asked him. The 8 Ball said yes, I went over there and asked him if it was true, and he said no. Case closed."

"Oh my god, are you kidding me?" Kendall cracked up and pounded the table with his palm. "Of course he's gonna say no! Dude was probably traumatized that you figured it out!"

"There was nothing to figure out. He wasn't into me. I foolishly hoped he was, and he wasn't. 8 Ball was wrong."

"Come on, dude! What do you think he would've said if the answer was yes?"

"Yes, I would assume."

"No! Logan! At twelve years old? He's not gonna admit it even if it's true. Especially about another dude."

"If he did, he should've said yes."

"Did he end up gay?"

"I...how would I even know? He moved away a few years later."

"Logan." Kendall was firm when he asked again, "Did he end up gay?"

Logan made a frustrated noise. "You're as bad as James when you won't back down. Yes, okay? He ended up gay. I looked him up on Facebook last year."

"I knew it!"

"Oh, so your 8 Ball was always right?"

"Every single time."

"You're so lying."

"Nope. We won every game, just like it said we would. Except that one time, when—"

"See? Except that one time. So it was wrong."

"No! It said 'Reply hazy, try again.' So I did, and then it said 'Ask again later.' I was like 'What the hell, it's never given me anything but 'It is certain' or 'All signs point to yes' before, so why am I getting this now? Turns out the game was postponed because the center had a roof cave-in. So see, it couldn't give me an answer about that game because it never happened."

Logan shook his head, a smirk keeping the words he wanted to speak inside while his eyes twinkled at Kendall.

"You think I'm ridiculous."

"I think you're adorable."

"Stop saying that!"

"Is it a bad thing, to be adorable?"

"I don't know. It's...not what I was going for. But I guess it could be worse."

"It's a good thing. I promise." When Kendall seemed unsure about that, Logan reached across the table to squeeze his hand. "I promise."

Their food arrived and they settled in, each serving themselves from shared plates of entrees and rice. Kendall ladled soup into a bowl as well and then nodded in satisfaction. "This is heaven."

"Wait until you taste it. There's a reason this is my favorite place. And they deliver, which is awesome when I'm being lazy on a day off and don't want to leave my dining room."

"You sit in your dining room to be lazy?"

"Yeah, like if I'm grading tests or figuring out future assignments."

"And that's lazy?"

"Well...I mean, it's either that or I'm up cleaning and rearranging and cooking and...I admit, it's hard for me to relax. I think that's why I like having James around so much, he forces me to. He'll make me sit there and watch a movie or play a video game or something."

Kendall digested that. "I'm glad you have him, then," he said lightly.

"Yeah, he's uh...so, tell me about your mom and sister."

"Really? Okay, uh...Mom's great. I think she's pretty much my hero at this point. I always idolized hockey players before but after my accident I really understood just how amazing she is. She supported me from day one with the hockey, even changing her work schedule so she never missed a game. Katie was only one when I started playing, and after Dad left she just brought Katie along to the games. Probably not the best environment for a baby, but Mom said she slept through all the noise anyway, so...now that I think about it, that's no surprise. Katie could sleep through a bomb going off in the next room," he chuckled.

Logan grinned. "So Mom was supportive?"

"Yeah, she was with me every step of the way through school. She said she just wanted me to be happy and if hockey did that for me, she'd do whatever she could to help. The truth is that after the accident, I was worried she would be disappointed in me."

"How could she be? You did the right thing."

"I know, but...you'd be surprised how many people were disappointed in me. Coach Teague came to see me in the hospital, and he was so great. My other head coach, for Iowa? He came too, and he was sorry about the whole thing, but I sensed this...like...it's hard to explain."

"Anger, maybe?" Thinking of James, Logan added, "Like you'd let everyone down?"

"Exactly! I mean, what was I supposed to do? I couldn't just stand by and let that girl get hit."

"No, of course not. But I think there are a lot of people who wouldn't do what you did. And maybe those people have a hard time understanding why you did it when you were giving up so much."

"But that's the thing! I didn't even think about it. It just...it was instinct. I saw it coming, knew what was about to happen, and didn't have time to think. I just acted. Everyone acts like I sacrificed so much, like I thought it through and decided the risk was worth it. But that's not how it was. There was no thought. If I'd stopped to think about how many people I was letting down..."

Logan set down his chopsticks to give Kendall his full attention. "You would have done it anyway."

"How can you say that? You don't even know me."

"I do," Logan nodded. "Maybe not as well as I know some people, but I feel it. I watched you play plenty of times, Kendall. Your heart was in it. I feel like you don't do anything without putting your heart into it."

Kendall shrugged. "My heart was my downfall."

"Your heart is your greatest feature." Logan watched Kendall biting his lip and wanting to argue the point. "And I've now made you uncomfortable. Let's talk about something else."

"Sure. Um...tell me about your family. How did you end up teaching at such a young age?"

The chopsticks he'd just picked up almost fell from his grip as dread pooled in his stomach. This was the part where he always turned his dates off, where they understood what he was really like and wanted out.

 _Dammit, I really like this one._

"It's just me and Mom," Logan shared, evading the second question. "Though my aunt stayed with us off and on; she's like a second mom to me. My mom is great, also very supportive like yours, but I don't feel like she ever really understands me."

"Why not?" Kendall asked, scooping more almond chicken onto his plate.

"Her greatest wish is to get me married off. And it's not that it's a status thing, she just doesn't like to see me lonely. She watched me go through school and not fit in, so she always worries I'm never going to find anyone and be alone. She thinks I have a complex about hot guys, that I purposely avoid them because I'm afraid of failure."

Kendall swallowed a bite before replying with, "Do you?"

"I think if I did I wouldn't be here with you right now."

"Well, that's good to know," Kendall smiled.

"And I wouldn't have a best friend that looks like James."

"True. But you've dated, right? It's not like you were pushing guys away."

"It didn't matter, they left anyway," Logan chuckled bitterly. "I did date, because I _was_ lonely. It just never...worked out."

"Which is crazy to me, because you're like...why in the world would anyone _not_ want to date you?"

"Mom says it's because I'm intimidating."

"Really?" Kendall shrugged. "I don't see that."

"That's because you haven't heard everything yet." Appetite gone, Logan laid down the two wooden sticks and leaned back in the booth. "You wanted to know how I ended up teaching so young."

"Are you older and just look a lot younger than your age?"

"No."

"If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to."

"I just..."

"Logan, it's okay."

"No, it isn't, because the last time I kept quiet about it I was miserable. Sure, I got a second date, but then I blew it because I couldn't be myself."

Kendall slid an arm across the table and reached for Logan's hand. "No matter what, we're still gonna be friends, right? Or at least buddies at work?"

Logan closed the distance to twine his finger's with Kendall's. "I'd really like that."

"Okay. So then what's the big secret?"

"It's not a secret. I graduated high school at a really young age and then busted ass through college to get my degrees. I did by the age of eighteen what most don't do until they're about twenty-five."

"Is that supposed to scare me away?"

"I'm really smart, Kendall. Like...genius level."

"Are you sure about that? Because I feel like a smart guy would know that something like that wouldn't chase me away."

Logan's finger's squeezed tighter. "It doesn't intimidate you?"

"Well, I mean...sure, if we're going head to head on 'Jeopardy!' or something. But it doesn't change who I asked out on a date and who I'm sitting here with having a great time."

"Are you really?"

"I really am," Kendall smiled. He shocked Logan by lifting his hand to kiss the back of it. "Did you always want to be a teacher? Was that your goal?"

"I never wanted to be a teacher," Logan laughed, trying not to let out a scream over the way his stomach flipped from the hand kiss.

"So what was it you wanted to do?"

"Honestly, I don't know that I ever had a specific career in mind. I knew I loved math and science and...learning. I think it's about that more than anything else. I loved to learn. I still do, I watch documentaries and go to lectures and just...pick up information wherever I can. I love _information."_

"So then, you definitely kick ass at 'Jeopardy!'."

"Totally. I think that's why James leaves before seven every night. He hates that show."

"Sitting next to you, I might, too," Kendall teased. When Logan started to draw his hand away, Kendall kept it in place. "Or I might find it the sexiest thing I've ever seen."

Logan licked his lips. "You're just saying that."

"Am I? It does sound kind of hot."

"There's no way you find a huge brain sexy."

Kendall leaned across the table, barely avoiding the empty plate in front of him. "Try me."

"Are you two all finished here?"

Logan flushed, pulling back in an attempt to compose himself. "Yes, um...can I get an order of orange chicken to go?" He felt Kendall's curious gaze on him and realized he'd need enough to feed three tomorrow. "Actually, make that two orders please."

"Of course, sir. That should be out in a few minutes."

"Perfect. Thanks."

"Are you planning to go home and pig out after dropping me off?" Kendall asked when the plates were cleared away.

"No," Logan chuckled. "I wanted—"

"For James," Kendall suddenly realized. "Are you going to see him tonight?"

"No! No, it's for lunch tomorrow. I added the second one for you. Unless you've decided you'd rather sit somewhere else?"

"Logan..." Kendall bit his lip. "We'll talk about it on the drive home."

"Did I already screw up?"

"No, but that's exactly what we're going to talk about."

"Okay?"

"I'm gonna use the restroom." Kendall slipped out his wallet and tossed a card on the table. "For my half."

"I'll cover the extra food for tomorrow."

After standing, Kendall leaned down to press a kiss to Logan's forehead. "I'm paying half the total. No arguments."

Logan let out a breath after Kendall walked away, wondering if he'd completely ruined the entire date. It had been going so well, too.

 _Why is James the only person I haven't chased away?_

* * *

Kendall couldn't help but sneak a peek at his phone in hopes that King had sent a reply to the email.

Nothing.

Hoping he hadn't made his new friend angry, Kendall took care of business and rejoined Logan. He signed the credit slip, glad their takeaway food came out soon after because he had to make sure Logan understood something vital.

He felt on the walk to the car that Logan was tense and nervous. Wanting to ease that, Kendall reached out and took Logan's hand in his, giving it a firm squeeze. Logan leaned his head on Kendall's shoulder for a moment, squeezing back, and then they were at the car.

Logan lasted only until they'd pulled out of the parking lot. "Say what you're gonna say."

"I like you a lot."

"But?"

"I like you a lot, _but_ it bothers me that you're so positive I'm going to give up on you. I like you, Logan. I want to do this again."

Logan's fingers tightened on the wheel. "Really?"

"Really. When can we get together again?"

"Uh...Saturdays are good for me. As long as I have time in the morning to get caught up on schoolwork. So...any time after noon?"

"Make it after two for me, we have a hockey game. Want to see a movie?"

"Sure, we can do that. Actually...are you serious about liking me? You want to give this a try?"

"Yes, why is that so hard for you to accept?"

"Because no one ever has before."

"Well, this guy does."

"Okay, then...are you free Friday night instead?"

"I am. What did you have in mind?"

"A movie. If you'd be okay with it, I'd love for you to join me and James."

"Oh. You really want me there with him?"

"What I want is for you two to get along. He's my best friend and you're my..."

"Let's not label it yet. I feel like that's just going to make you freak out."

"It might," Logan admitted with a sigh. "So we're just...dating."

"Just dating. Hanging out. Enjoying each other's company."

Logan nodded. "I can live with that. I should warn you that my end goal is serious, though."

"So is mine. But we just met and I don't want to make this too heavy, so..."

"Dating."

"Dating," Kendall agreed.

"I still want you and James to get along."

"I'm not the one with the problem."

"I know. He's...difficult sometimes."

" _Always_ around me."

"He was really trying this morning. I know seeing you in my classroom threw him off, but he wasn't rude and I was proud of him."

"Why does he hate me so much? Is it just like...jealousy? Like he's afraid I'm going to steal you away?"

"No, he's got his own girl he's into."

"Are you sure? Because it would make sense. You guys are obviously super close and then I come along and insert myself in your life and...it changes things."

"It does, but that's life. We're both going to fall in love at some point and then things will really change. This is probably the start of that."

"He's dating someone?"

"Pretty much."

"Okay. Why don't we make it a double date Friday?"

"I think it's too soon for that on his end."

"And he's cool with me joining you guys?"

"He will be. It'll be fine."

"Okay then. Can we still do Saturday just you and me?"

"Of course," Logan grinned. "Maybe Saturday I can cook you dinner."

"Oh, I like the sound of that. And I can bring dessert," Kendall winked.

"I _love_ the sound of that."

They were both laughing when Logan pulled up in front of Kendall's apartment building. "See you tomorrow?"

"Don't forget the orange chicken," Kendall reminded him.

"James would kill me."

"James doesn't know."

"I'd know," Logan pointed out. "And the guilt would kill me. Should I walk you up?"

Kendall bristled. "I'm not an invalid."

The atmosphere turned to ice. "Oh my god, no, I didn't mean it like that. I just...never mind."

"You just what?"

"Nothing. Goodnight. See you tomorrow."

"No, Logan, finish that."

Wanting to crawl under the seat, he mumbled, "I was hoping maybe I could kiss you goodnight and that by the time we got upstairs I'd have the courage to do it. That's all I meant, I swear."

"Oh."

"Sorry, I didn't—"

"No, _I'm_ sorry. I'm really oversensitive about that sort of thing. I can take care of myself and I hate when people assume I can't."

"I wasn't assuming that."

"I know. I'm an idiot. And I ruined what was probably going to be an incredible first kiss."

"First kiss?" Logan met Kendall's gaze. "You've never been kissed?"

"This _is_ my first date, remember?"

"Right, I just...wow. I had no idea."

"Doesn't matter now. I'll see you tomorrow."

Kendall shoved the car door open. Logan saw him reach down to lift his leg and made a snap decision, dragging Kendall close by the shirt and kissing him before he could get away. Kendall gasped at the feel of lips pressed against his, then closed his mouth again and this time his eyes, as well, to savor his first kiss.

It was nice. Definitely nice. Kissing Logan made him feel warm inside, their lips moving together in a dance until Logan pulled back.

"Wow," Kendall whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I expect more of that Friday night."

"Saturday. I'd prefer not to do it with an audience."

"Right. So then not at school, either."

"Definitely not at school. That could get us both fired."

"Right," Kendall said again. "Saturday."

"Saturday."

Kendall leaned in for one more kiss, Logan allowing that with a smile.

"Saturday's a long way away."

"We'll manage," Logan grinned. "Thanks for dinner."

"Thanks for the same. See you at lunch?"

"I'll bring the food. You just bring your hot self."

"Are you _sure_ we can't kiss at school? There's this place in the locker room where—"

"Out!" Logan laughed.

"Fine. But you owe me big time. I'm going to be insane by the time I get to kiss you again."

"I look forward to it."

"Night."

"Night, Kendall."

Kendall felt like he was floating on the trek to his apartment. He didn't have a boyfriend, but that was okay. That might come in time. The important thing was that he was experiencing life, exploring love the way Coach had urged him to. And of course his mother. She would probably be surprised to hear it was a man Kendall had gone out with, but she'd be ecstatic that he went out at all. Maybe he should call her.

It wasn't his mother Kendall was thinking about, though, when he closed the door and switched on a lamp. His laptop stared at him invitingly, and he knew that it was King he was dying to gush to about the date. Taking one more peek at his phone, Kendall sighed; still no answer from King.

Almost twenty-four hours before they could talk again, and that was only if he hadn't made King angry by bailing on him tonight. King would be proud of him, though, happy for him. He'd want to hear all about the date. Kendall wondered how it had gone for King at work. Had he talked to the hot guy who made him so nervous? Kendall thought he probably had.

He couldn't wait to hear about it.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

And here's the aftermath of the date! Thank you all so much for the love on this story. It's turning out to be one of my favorites. :)

* * *

A text came in while James was lying in bed trying to fall asleep with an upset tummy. It was still early; he figured Logan would be out for hours with the hot hockey guy and was determined to not wait up for him. If Logan wanted to see someone else, fine. Let him.

Instead of the indifference he was deluding himself with, James reached for his phone eagerly.

" _I'm home. I have a surprise for you tomorrow. Don't pack lunch. ;)"_

The little yellow winky face brought a smile to James' lips. Damn Logan for being so perfect as to think of him even when on a date with someone else. Someone hot. Someone James wanted to hate but couldn't bring himself to because every time he looked at Kendall, he thought of Rush.

" _Noted. How was it?"_

" _It was nice."_

" _Good. I'm glad."_

James stared at the text before sending, wondering if he should add anything else. Maybe something like "Please don't fall in love with him, I need you and I don't know how to live without you. You're so perfect and deserve him but I don't care, I want you for myself."

Hating himself for thoughts like that, James sent the text as is.

" _You doing okay?"_

And why. Why did Logan have to be so amazing?

" _Got any ideas on how to make a stomachache go away?"_

" _Depends on what caused it. Spicy foods? Stress?"_

" _Chocolate."_

" _Please tell me you didn't eat both of those boxes at once."_

" _I didn't."_

" _Thank god. So what caused it?"_

" _Well, I didn't eat them both at once. I spread it out a little."_

The phone rang in James' hand and with a smirk he answered. "Don't start with me, I'm not up to it."

"Are you insane? You're going to be on the toilet for days. Too much chocolate can have a laxative effect!"

"You're the one who let me take two boxes."

"I told you to take one! One, James! What is wrong with you?"

 _My best friend's falling in love with someone else. I miss you. I'm terrified to live without you._ "Nothing."

"James..." After a sigh came through the phone, Logan asked, "Did everything go okay with your girl tonight?"

"Yeah. She was great."

"Okay, good. Why did you eat so much chocolate?"

"I didn't feel like cooking."

"Well, now you're not going to feel like eating. For days."

"So...Pepto then?"

"It's a start. Don't take too much, though. Read the bottle. And don't be alarmed if your waste turns black, that's normal."

"I love that you know this. I swear you know everything."

"I love to learn. Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. Maybe I should make myself puke."

"No, please don't do that. Just drink some Pepto and try to sleep. Under no circumstances are you to use any sleep aids tonight. You need to be ready to sprint to the bathroom."

"Got it, Dr. Mitchell. Anything else?"

"Yes." There was a pause, and then, "Come early to my class tomorrow. I need to talk to you about something."

James' stomach started to revolt. "I'm not going to like this, am I?"

"Just show up about ten minutes early. I'll grab something light for breakfast so that your stomach can handle it."

"Fine. So...it was good?"

Logan's voice turned softer. "It was good."

"Cool. I'm gonna go try to find the Pepto."

"Okay. Take care of yourself, please."

"Duh. I do fine on my own."

"Not sure I agree with that, considering you ate two pounds of chocolate, but you'll be okay. Eventually."

"Night, Logan."

"Night."

"Hey. Thanks for calling."

"That's what friends are for."

"Yeah." Tears threatened and James had to hang up. "Bye." He cut off the reply with the press of a button, letting them spill over. "What the hell am I supposed to do without you, Logan?"

After taking the medicine and attempting again to sleep, James finally gave up after an hour. In the dark, he made his way out to the living room and turned on a lamp, then dug out a notebook. Within an hour, he'd written his second song.

* * *

Before leaving his car in the morning, James pulled up the email from Rush. He felt bad for not replying sooner, but he'd been too down on himself to face anyone except Logan (who he'd barely faced at all). His stomach was slowly recovering and with the help of a pill to hopefully keep him away from the bathroom for the next few hours, he read the message again through tired eyes.

Now how to reply to Rush without coming off like a needy asshole?

" _Hey, it's cool. I hope things are okay. I'll tell you about the hot dude tonight. We still on for 8?"_

There, that worked.

He exited the car and was reaching back in for the coffee when his phone vibrated in his pocket. After setting the drinks on the roof, he locked the door and was surprised to find an answer already.

" _Totally! Have a good day. Catch you tonight. ;)"_

The wink somehow reminded him of their talk about blowjobs and what the result of that had been. James had to admit, talking to someone about sex had been a turn-on. Not just _about_ sex, but what was happening at the current moment. Maybe they could revisit that topic tonight.

With the promise of Rush to look forward to, James refused to be sad about Logan. He slipped into the classroom and as usual, found Logan preparing an assignment for first period.

"Hey, loverboy."

"Stop," Logan blushed. "It was one date."

"One _good_ date. You gonna see him again?"

Logan hesitated and James' stomach dropped. He kept the teasing expression on his face so that Logan wouldn't know how much he was dreading the answer. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Thanks," he added as he reached for his coffee. "I got muffins today. No chocolate."

"Come on, that's the best kind!"

"It's also what got you into this mess. How are you feeling?"

"Better. Took some of that stuff you gave me last time I had the uh...bathroom issues."

"Good. You'll need to take more at lunch."

"I know. So what kind did I get if not chocolate?"

"Cheese. It's the antidote to chocolate."

"Seriously? How did I never know this? I love cheese!"

"I know," Logan laughed, then his expression sobered. "So um. About Kendall."

Already fearing this would be a tough discussion, James slid into a student desk. "You made plans with him for Sunday, didn't you?"

"No, of course not. Sundays are our days."

"Weren't you the one telling me you have to put your relationship first?"

"That doesn't mean I have to give up my friendship. I treasure our Sundays and don't want to lose that."

"Great," James replied, feeling a little better. "I was worried about that."

"I know. And I know how hard all of this is on you, but you did say you wanted me to be happy, right?"

"I do," he nodded with feeling. "That's the most important thing."

"Good. Because I can't be happy without my best friend in my life. But I'd also like a boyfriend, you know?"

"Of course."

"So...it would mean a lot to me if those two people got along."

"Logan, I'm trying. I really am, I swear."

"I know. You're doing so much better and I really appreciate that you're trying for me. I'll do the same when I meet your girl."

James said nothing, instead sipping at his coffee.

"So we still have our Sundays, but...I invited him to the movies Friday."

And _there_ was the dread causing his stomach to erupt. "Oh."

"I'm sorry. I just really want this to work."

"I get it. You guys have to date sometime, and Friday makes sense. He'll have hockey games on Saturday, and you're busy with your teacher stuff, so it's the perfect day. Maybe we can do movies on Sunday instead. Unless you don't want to do that twice a week."

"No, James...I still want you to come. I want you _both_ to be there. It would be a great opportunity for you two to get to know each other a little better."

Logan wanted him to suffer through two hours of watching them _together?_ There was no way he'd survive that. "No."

"Come on, James, please give it a chance."

"No. I'm sorry. You can date him as much as you want if it makes you happy, but I don't need to see it."

"You see it in the lounge every day."

"It's been one day, and that was bad enough."

"Is that why you hardly talked yesterday? Because you hate him that much?"

He should just admit it. He should just tell Logan the truth now, because otherwise Logan would continue to think him an unfeeling asshole. He opened his mouth to speak at least a partial truth, but what came out was, "Yes. I hate him that much."

"Look, he told me last night that he's been judged a lot since the accident. That people just like you are disappointed in him and it hurts, okay? It hurts him a lot."

"I can't help the way I feel."

"No, but you can help the way you act. I need you to do this for me. To try."

"I _am_ trying!" James stood up, voice rising as he did. "What if I dated someone you hated? Would I expect you to suddenly just be okay with him?"

"Him?"

James let out a frustrated noise. "Him, her, whatever! I said him because we're talking about Kendall. And I wouldn't expect that, I would understand that you have your reasons."

"It would still upset you and make you feel like you were going to lose me over it."

That brought James' tirade to a halt. "Is that what you're afraid of? Why you're forcing this on me? Because you're afraid you're gonna lose me?"

"Of course I'm afraid." Logan settled onto his desk across from James. "I'm terrified. We have this great thing and I don't want to ruin it. But I'm lonely, James."

"I know that."

"Me dating someone you can't stand is going to put a strain on it."

"Obviously."

"I just...I can't lose you, okay?"

The fight went out of James when he heard that Logan was close to tears. "You're not going to." When he stepped up to the desk, Logan went willingly into the embrace. "I promise. Not by my choice."

"I'm already losing you. You won't even come to the movies with me."

"Because you changed things. Movie night with my best friend and his boyfriend isn't what I signed up for."

"I know. I get that. But I'm trying, too. I don't want you to feel excluded."

"It's gonna happen. It's part of dating, your focus shifts and there's someone new that becomes the priority. I get it."

"What do you know? You've never even been on a date."

"Thanks for the reminder."

"Dammit, James," Logan sighed. He hugged James tighter. "She's out there for you. Are you meeting your girl anytime soon?"

"We're uh...taking it slow."

"Kendall suggested you invite her along, like a double date."

"It's too soon."

"That's what I told him. Please, James. I need you there with me."

 _Fuck._ Logan always knew just what to say to get to him. "You're sitting in between us."

"Deal." Logan backed out of the hug. "You'll do it? You'll go?"

"You're also buying snacks and drinks. I want the large popcorn."

Logan's smile made everything worth it. "You got it."

"And don't expect me to sit through dinner with him. A movie and nothing else."

"Fine. That's...I can handle that. Maybe we can grab dinner first and just meet him at the movies."

"Won't that seem weird to him?"

"He knows how much you mean to me and how close we are. He understands."

"Really? Because I probably wouldn't."

"He's amazing like that."

"Right. The Amazing Kendall Knight, who nobody can compare to because he's got it all."

Logan raised a brow at James. "Jealous much?"

"Whatever. Give me my muffin."

With a smirk, Logan reached into a bag and pulled one out. "I'm rethinking our lunch. It won't be good on your stomach."

"Where did you guys end up?"

"Chinese."

"Oh hell, you brought me orange chicken, didn't you?"

"Maybe. Take care of your stomach and you might be able to enjoy it."

"I love you."

James had said the words numerous times over the course of their friendship, and Logan never allowed himself to believe they were more than in a buddy way. They certainly weren't now and never would be. Still, it felt good to hear, and he grinned.

"I know. Now get out of my classroom."

"Or what, Mr. Mitchell? You gonna give me detention? Spank me with a ruler?"

"You know, one of these days you're gonna screw up and say something like that in front of a student."

James leaned in to whisper into Logan's ear. "I'll take my chances."

As his best friend sauntered out of the room, Logan let a shiver break free. Damn James and his ability to flirt effortlessly.

* * *

This time Lucy opened the door herself when Kendall knocked. "I'm here for our...appointment?"

"Hell yeah you are, get in here." As soon as she closed the door behind Kendall, she pounced. "You're glowing. It went well. Did you kiss him? Maybe get a handjob in there?"

"Damn, do you even know what a filter is?"

"Who's got time for that?" When Kendall sank into the chair, she hopped up onto the desk in front of him. "Spill."

"We had dinner. That's really all it was." Lucy silently waited, so he added, "We kissed goodnight."

"Yes! Get it, Knight!" She reached out for a high five, Kendall blushing but meeting it. "So did you hit it off, then? You're gonna see him again?"

"I am. We agreed not to rush it, that we want to just date for now, but...yeah. We're gonna see each other again."

"I'm so proud of you! You saw something you wanted and you went after it. No hesitation."

"Well, there was _some_ hesitation. I was really scared he'd say no."

"I thought he might, too."

"What? You told me to do it!"

"I know, but I still wasn't sure he'd actually say yes. Which makes it even more awesome that you took a chance. Tell me everything."

"Why? Why do you care so much about my love life?"

"Because I like you and I have no love life of my own. Let me live through you."

Kendall chuckled. "There's not a lot to say. He picked me up, we had dinner, he dropped me off, and he kissed me."

"Wait, _he_ kissed _you?"_

"Yeah. He was so cute about it, trying to get up the courage and then when I was about to step out of the car, he just...planted one on me. It was awesome."

"Wow. I might really have to rethink my opinion of Mitchell. He's surprised me twice now. Well, three times if you count him actually saying yes. What kind of kiss was it?"

"What kind? It was just a kiss, Lucy."

"I know, but was it like...sleazy? A lot of tongue?"

"No, there was no tongue! Why are you like this?"

"Why _aren't_ you? Stop being so scared to go after what you want."

"You literally just praised me for doing that."

"Yes, but...didn't you _want_ tongue?"

"I didn't even think about it! There was no time, he just kissed me and it happened and then before I left, I kissed him again but it wasn't...there was no tongue. No sleaze."

"I guess that makes sense, with Mitchell. He's probably not into that sort of thing."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you with that information," Kendall droned. "Are you mentally fourteen?"

"Sometimes, sure. That's probably why I relate to these kids so well."

"Is that why you wanted to be a guidance counselor? Because you relate to teens?"

"Nah, my uncle got me this job. I wanted to move to L.A. and be a stuntwoman."

"Are you kidding me? That was your dream?"

"Hey, don't judge me. Hockey isn't all that."

"I'm not judging you! Your uncle made this happen?"

"Yeah, he's the superintendent. My mom begged him to give me a job doing something because she was afraid of me getting hurt out there. Jake's cool, he accepts my weirdness, and he likes me. So when he said he needed a favor, I couldn't say no. He actually told me he thought I'd be good at this."

"At what, exactly?"

"Helping people. Guiding them. Steering them into good choices."

Kendall's lips pursed. "How well does he actually know you?"

"Shut up, he's my favorite family member. You can't repeat this, but he's gay, too."

"I know. With Coach, right?"

"Teague, yeah. That's how I knew I'd like you, because Teague did. He's really good to my uncle."

Kendall nodded. "He's a good man. So should we get to work on your turret?"

"Not so fast, we're still talking about your date."

"Do we have to?"

"Yes. When are you gonna see him again?"

"Friday. I'm going to the movies with him and James."

Lucy's face morphed into shocked amusement. _"Both_ of them?"

"Yeah. Logan wants us to get to know each other."

"Oh my god. This is...so you're really spending a few hours with both of them at the same time?"

"Yes..."

"Wow, if I could be a fly on that wall..."

"What do you think is going to happen?"

Lucy shook her head. "Why isn't James bringing a date?"

"I don't know, I guess he doesn't have one. It's more of a friends thing."

"Really. So then...you could bring a friend, too?"

"What? No, I don't have any...oh, no. No, Lucy. Absolutely not."

"Come on, it would be so much fun! I like movies!"

"No. James is already having a hard enough time with all of this, he hates me and—"

"Of course he does. Please, Kendall, let me go with you. I can distract James."

"What do you mean?"

"Logan's gonna be all worried about James' feelings, right?"

"I...maybe? I would hope he worries about mine, too."

"If I keep James occupied, that's more Logan time for you. And less tension."

"Aren't you gay?"

"I'm not going to make out with him or anything. It's just friends, you said it yourself."

"No. No, Logan would never go for it. Didn't you say you made James cry once?"

"Almost. He almost cried. Two more minutes and I think I would've had him."

"You _wanted_ him to cry?"

"Yes. He keeps it all bottled up, he needs to cry."

"Lucy...no. I'm sorry, I can't just randomly invite someone along."

"Why not? He did."

"They were already going, from what I understand."

"It's only fair. Let me be the distraction that you need. Don't you want to kiss Logan again?"

"He said not on Friday."

"Really? Why not?"

"Because of James, I assume. He said he doesn't want an audience."

Lucy snorted. "Take me along. You'll get your time for a kiss."

That gave Kendall pause. "You think you can make that happen?"

"I know I can. At least two minutes, guaranteed."

Kendall thought that over. "Neither of them will want you there."

"So? Ask anyway."

"I still don't understand why you want to go."

"Just do this already! I promise I'll make it worth your while."

After another minute of debate, he asked, "Promise you won't make James cry?"

"Ugh, fine. If you insist. I will be on my best behavior."

"I'm not sure that's very comforting."

"I promise. No crying. I'll be nice to both of them."

He really _did_ want to kiss Logan again. "I guess it can't hurt to ask. But if he says no, the deal's off."

"Of course. I'm not going to force myself where I'm not wanted."

"Riiiiight. Give me your number."

Lucy did, then Kendall said, "He's in class right now. I'll run it by them at lunch and let you know what they say."

"Cool. So I'm giving up on the turrets for now. I thought we'd work on Hagrid's hut today."

Kendall could barely keep up with her ever-changing train of thought. "Hagrid's hut. Sure."

Lucy smiled at him, and Kendall sighed. She was borderline insane, but he liked her. It was good to have a friend.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Okay SOOOOO. A few things. One, I probably won't be updating anything for at least a week due to a friend coming to visit. I'm sorry this chapter is so short but the next one will be longer so it all evens out. I predict that one of you in particular will really love this chapter. :P

Now for the embarrassing part. I don't know why, but as I was writing this story I had it in mind that the Kogan date took place on Monday and based the entire rest of the week on that. Nope, upon re-read I saw that it was actually on Tuesday, which means that there's an extra day thrown in before the weekend. It would ruin the storyline to go back and try to somehow fix it, so for the sake of my sanity and the story, please suspend your disbelief long enough to pretend that this makes sense. I'm sorry, I feel so stupid but the upcoming weekend stuff only makes sense to happen on a weekend so I'm just going to leave it. This story had two Mondays. Shhhhh.

Anyway, as always I thank you for reading and hope you'll be come back to read more next week! Have a great week, everyone!

* * *

When Kendall walked into the staff lounge for lunch, he noted that not only had Susan joined Logan, but also Mary. That wasn't going to work.

Catching Logan's eye from across the room, Kendall nodded toward a table halfway back that was unoccupied. Logan stopped in the act of retrieving two containers from a bag, looking over questioningly. When Kendall gestured again at the empty table, Logan shrugged but moved toward it. Kendall met him there.

"Sorry, I need to talk to you guys about Friday and I thought it would be easier without—"

"Say no more. I'm gonna go heat up our lunch. Flag James down when he comes in?"

"Sure."

James strutted in a minute later, mind on orange chicken and praying his stomach wouldn't revolt. He'd been craving it all day and _needed_ it. He was surprised to find only Susan and Mary at their table, which was odd because Logan always got there first. He looked around and spied Kendall alone to his left.

 _Well well well. Lover's quarrel already?_

He immediately hated himself for taking satisfaction in that. He was supposed to be Logan's friend.

"James!"

And now Kendall was hailing him. Damn, couldn't the guy just leave him alone? It was torture being around Kendall. He had no idea how he was going to last through Friday night.

"Hey," he managed as he approached. Kendall was wearing a green t-shirt from the athletics department and it made his eyes seem brighter. It would be easier if Kendall wasn't so...

Freaking _hot._

"Hey. We're sitting here today, I hope that's okay."

"We?"

"Yeah, Logan went to warm up our food."

 _Our_ food. So the orange chicken wasn't just for him. This was how it was going to be now, Kendall a new addition to what he and Logan were.

"Actually, I'm not really hungry. I've had an upset stomach all day, so I'm just gonna go back to class."

He spun around before Kendall's voice stopped him. "James. Please. For Logan."

 _Fuck._

"I know you don't want me around. I don't know why you hate me so much, but for Logan's sake can't we at least _try_ to get along?"

James didn't move, fighting the urge to run. What Kendall didn't understand was that it wasn't just about Logan. Speaking of which...

"Hey, you found us! Sit, I gave you the biggest portion."

 _Of course you did. Because you're amazing._ Defeated, James faced the table again and sat across from them. He hated the positioning and the way it made him feel like he was the outsider.

Kendall thanked Logan when he passed over a plate, dreading the upcoming conversation. James was already annoyed and this was only going to make it worse. Maybe he should just forget the idea.

When Logan smiled at him, though, he thought about how much he wanted to kiss those lips again. _Sorry, Diamond. You're just gonna have to deal._ "So I needed to talk to you guys about Friday."

"Oh, no," Logan fretted. "Are you backing out?"

"No, nothing like that. I'm looking forward to it." He smiled back at Logan, then tried to do the same to James but James was staring into his food. "I wondered how you would feel if I invited a friend."

James' head whipped up. "A friend?"

"Yeah. If it's a problem, I understand, but I was thinking that since Logan's bringing one, maybe it would be okay if I did, too."

And just like that, Kendall had turned the whole thing into he and Logan making plans, with James being just an add-on.

"I guess that's okay," Logan shrugged. "I mean, it's only fair."

"So you're just okay with this?" James asked.

"Well, he's right. We're each bringing a friend, he should be able to, too." It would possibly kill the whole point of James and Kendall bonding, but at least they'd still be spending time together.

"But you don't even like meeting new people."

"Oh, well it's not a stranger," Kendall assured them. "It's someone you both know. Lucy Stone?"

James' fork dropped onto the table. "You've got to be shitting me."

Even Logan hissed in a breath. "That's...not a good idea, Kendall. James really doesn't like her."

"Why not?" Kendall wanted to know.

"I have my reasons."

"Can I hear them?"

"It's not your business."

"James..." Logan pleaded. "At least tell him why."

James was ready to scream at both of them and tell them to just go by themselves since that's what they so obviously wanted. "She's crazy."

"She's not crazy," Kendall laughed. "I admit she's a little out there, but her heart's in the right place."

"No, she's crazy."

"What exactly happened in that office?" Logan asked. To Kendall, he explained, "James had to go see her his first week here."

"Oh, yeah, I did, too. That's how we met. Did she give you the whole 'Welcome to Lincoln High' speech?"

"She tried to," James admitted. "We ended up on a tangent and she stuck her nose in where it didn't belong."

"What did she say, though?" Logan forked up a bite of chicken. "You never told me."

"It doesn't matter. She's rude and obnoxious and I have no intention of speaking to her again."

Though Kendall told himself to bite his tongue, the words slipped out anyway. "No offense, but so are you."

"Oh, that's it." James scraped his chair back before standing. "I'm out. You two have a blast Friday."

"James—"

"Forget it, Logan. I'll hang out with you Sunday. _Alone."_

He sprinted out of the room and toward the parking lot, not letting go until he was safely enclosed in his car. The anger expressed itself through a fist banging against the steering wheel, then the hot tears came and he fell forward, head resting there while his hand throbbed.

A knock on his window went ignored. He knew who it was, knew Logan was worried about him but for once, he didn't care about Logan's feelings. Why should he? Logan didn't care about his.

The second knock also had no effect. It wasn't until Kendall's voice commanded, "Open up!" that he raised his head.

And now this dickhead had caught him crying? Had he died and this was his personal Hell?

Okay good, Kendall was leaving. The asshole didn't deserve his attention anyway. Except...

"Dammit," James muttered when Kendall instead tried to lift the passenger's side door handle. "Can't you just leave me alone?" he yelled.

"No. We need to talk. Open the door."

More out of tired resignation than anything else, James popped the locks. Maybe if he just let Kendall talk, the guy would leave sooner.

Kendall shut himself inside the car before stating, "You're fast."

"What?"

"It's not easy to keep up with you."

"You're just slow."

"I didn't used to be. I was a lot faster before the injury."

"Are you trying to make me pity you? Because that's not going to get you anywhere."

"No, I'm starting to think you're incapable of pity. Or compassion. Or even feeling."

"Fuck you, you don't know anything about me."

"I know you care about Logan."

James looked away, gaze back on the steering wheel.

"The problem here is that I care about Logan, too. We need to find a middle ground. I'm trying with you, dude. You've been nothing but rude to me since the day we met and I don't know what your problem is with me but—"

"Logan didn't tell you?"

Kendall paused. "Tell me what?"

"Why I have a problem with you?"

"I assumed it was because you're afraid I'm gonna steal him away."

"Yeah, well you can't. You can go on all the dates with him you want, but he won't turn his back on me."

"I know. It's one of the things I like most about him."

That made James feel like an asshole.

"But dude, look. We don't have to like each other to make him happy. We just have to keep the peace around him."

"Not true. He sees right through me. He'll know I'm faking it."

"Really? So you never lie to him?"

James sighed; yes, he lied to Logan every single day by omission. And sometimes by improper use of the word "she." "Why do you care what I think?"

"Because Logan does. He told me the day we met that there's more to you than what we saw on the show. I haven't seen any sign of that, but I believe him. He wouldn't be friends with you if it wasn't true."

"You saw me on the show?"

"I did," Kendall nodded. "And let's just agree to be honest with each other. I wasn't impressed."

"Oh, thanks, that really helps me want to get to know you better."

"I think it's best we get our feelings out in the open."

"Yeah?" James twisted in the seat to face Kendall. "Okay, fine. I'm pissed at you for fucking up the Wild's chances of getting to the Cup. So...there."

Kendall's face paled. "Wow."

"Yeah, what you said hurt, too."

"I guess I deserved that, then. Is that...? Really? That's why you don't like me?"

"Like you're any better? You don't like me because you think I'm an untalented piece of shit."

"That's not true. You're extremely talented."

"You said you weren't impressed."

"With your attitude, no. Your attitude fucking sucks, dude."

James shook his head in anger, wondering why he'd let this asshole into his car.

"But you sing way better than that other dude."

The words sunk in slowly, James facing Kendall again. "Really?"

"Yeah. It wasn't your voice that held you back. You know that, right?"

Thinking of Rob's words during that phone call, James nodded. "Yeah. I know. And...I don't hate you for rescuing that little girl."

"You just hate me for screwing up the Wild's chances."

James shrugged.

"Trust me, dude, if there'd been a way to do both, save her _and_ keep skating, you know I would have."

"I knooooow," James groaned, head falling back against the seat.

"Don't you think that if anyone should be mad about it, it's me?"

"Why aren't you?"

"I was. For a long time I was angry. And that made me feel like a bad person, because I was mad about something that saved a life. There should've been no regret, just gratitude that she was alive."

James blinked at Kendall, hearing what he wasn't directly saying. "Are you telling me that you regret what you did?"

"No. I did the right thing."

"But...?"

"But nothing. It was the right thing to do."

"But...that doesn't mean you have to be happy with the outcome," James whispered, echoing his own words to Logan.

"And...I'm not. Lucy's trying to help me see it another way, that my being here is a good thing because I'm inspiring other kids. She says there's a reason it all happened."

James rolled his eyes. "Sounds like Lucy."

"I want to believe she's right. I'm just trying to be happy, James. I'm just trying not to sink into that darkness again."

The darkness. James knew that darkness well. He was shocked to see wetness gathering in Kendall's eyes, but he understood it. The darkness was a scary place where you did nothing but examine yourself and your choices and fail to measure up.

 _Fuck._ "Can't you just stay an asshole?"

"What?"

"Ugh, you're so annoying. Can I ask you something? And I want an honest answer. We agreed to be honest, right?"

"Yes. We'll be honest."

"Why Logan? What do you like about him?"

Kendall wiped at his eyes and smiled. "What's not to like? He's kind, funny, gorgeous, caring, smart...he keeps the darkness away."

"He does that for me, too."

"Which is why you're so afraid to lose him. I get it. But dude...I'm not out to take him away. I just...you know. Want visiting rights."

Against his will, James chuckled. "I've never had to share him before. It's hard."

"That's what she said."

James' jaw dropped, their gazes colliding before they both laughed hard. "Fuck you, that's my joke."

"Logan says we're both immature. Maybe we can share it. And...other things."

"Logan."

"Logan," Kendall confirmed.

James' phone rang in his pocket. "Speak of the devil."

"He's worried about you. He wanted to come after you but I told him to let me try."

"I was positive it was him knocking on my window."

"The guy's probably going crazy imagining us out here pounding each other." At James' raised eyebrow, he amended, "With our fists. My my, someone has a dirty mind."

"I think about sex so much more than I should."

"Hey look, we found something in common."

A reluctant smile formed on James' face. "I still hate you."

"That's fine, we can hate each other. But for Logan's sake, let's do it politely."

James' phone rang again and he groaned before answering. "I'm fine."

"Where are you?"

"In my car."

"Where's Kendall?"

"Who cares?"

"James, please, he went out after you, did you see him at all? He hasn't come back yet."

"Maybe he got hit by a—" James stopped in mid-sentence, suddenly realizing that was the worst thing he could say. "Okay, sorry. That wasn't funny."

"Not at all. I'm extremely disappointed in you for that one."

"Yeah, it wasn't very...I'm sorry. He's in the car with me."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah."

"Is he alive?"

James glanced over at Kendall. "You alive?"

"Who's asking?"

Logan heard that and sighed. "I hate you both."

"Too bad, because we just agreed that we like you a lot and you can't get rid of us."

Silence was followed by a hesitant, "Really? You guys talked?"

"Mostly we yelled. Did you eat the rest of my orange chicken?"

"James, can you be serious for five seconds?"

"Doubt it. Is that a yes?"

"Will you just get your ass back in here?"

James nudged Kendall. "He wants my ass. Be jealous."

"Shut the fuck up," Kendall laughed, James joining in.

"Oh my god, what have I started?" Logan groaned.

"Be scared, gorgeous. Be very scared."

"Stop calling me that. I know you're only doing it because Kendall's right there."

"What if I'm not?" With a smirk, James hung up. "By the way, sometimes I like to flirt with him just to mess with him. Fair warning."

"That's horrible. What if he actually had a crush on you?"

"Logan? Dude, please. He can do so much better than me. And honestly?" Bracing himself, James continued, "As much as I hate to admit it, he already has."

"Wow. You actually mean that."

"Don't let it go to your head."

Kendall smirked, "That's what she said."

"Fuck you, stop stealing my joke!"

"Too late! Also, I'm pissed at you because I could've been in there eating orange chicken but instead I was out here consoling your whiny ass."

"Excuse me, my ass is not whiny. My ass is perfectly happy, thank you."

Kendall hissed. "Sooooo many ways I want to answer that but won't."

They climbed out of the car together, both sighing when they heard the bell ring. "Logan better save our lunches."

"He will," Kendall nodded. "He's a good guy."

"Yeah." Not willing to sink back into the darkness, James opted for a joke. "Could be better at choosing boyfriends, though."

"Wow. Just when I was about to compliment you, too."

"Yeah, right."

"No, I actually was."

"Liar."

"Dude." When Kendall stopped walking and placed a hand on James' arm, James went with it and turned to face him. "You've got a gorgeous smile. You should use it more often."

James' throat dried up, and damn if he wasn't getting hard just from the way Kendall was looking at him. "Are you making a move on me?"

"Maybe," Kendall shrugged, then started walking again. "Or maybe I just like to mess with your head."

 _Fuck. I so deserved that._ James followed at a slower pace. "So it's gonna be like that, is it?"

"Just giving you a taste of what Logan feels like when you do it to him."

"Except that doesn't work on me, because I'm not gay."

Kendall smirked back over his shoulder. "Tell that to the boner in your pants." With a wink at James, Kendall stepped through the main doors and left him standing there.

 _Holy fuck. I am so screwed._ It had been so much easier when Kendall was an asshole.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I'm really happy you all seemed to like the last chapter, where James and Kendall bonded a tiny bit. Hopefully you'll like the Kames in this chapter, too. :) Thank you so much for reading and to those who reviewed!

* * *

 **Rusherone:** Hey!

James grinned at the enthusiastic greeting, relieved he wasn't the only one excited.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hey, stranger. Missed you last night.

 **Rusherone:** I know and I'm SO sorry about that, it was a sudden thing. But you'll be proud of me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Let me guess. I was right about him liking you, you made out with him over lunch, and then met up after work and spent the night at his place.

 **Rusherone:** Wow, you are intense. Only half of that is right.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** The making out and spending the night?

 **Rusherone:** NO! lol the rest of it. Lunch didn't work out, but dinner did. And he DOES like me. :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Duh, you're awesome.

 **Rusherone:** And I remind you that you don't know me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Come on, we're buddies by now. He'd be stupid not to like you.

 **Rusherone:** Do you enjoy making me blush? Is that your goal? Because you're good at it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I just tell the truth.

 **Rusherone:** But not about your sexuality.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hey, I found the courage to come out to you, didn't I?

 **Rusherone:** Not really, it was obvious since you were in a gay chat room.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well, it's progress for me, okay? This chick at work suspected once and I denied it so for me to actually admit it out loud is a big deal. You're a big deal.

 **Rusherone:** Have you ever said it out loud?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Said what?

 **Rusherone:** That you're gay.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Close enough.

 **Rusherone:** I don't think it is. Do it. Right now. We're on the honor system, so say it out loud and pretend I can hear you. Wait, are you alone?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes haha. I'm at home. I live alone.

 **Rusherone:** Me, too. I didn't think I'd like it but it's actually nice.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Same! I was so scared but it's awesome!

 **Rusherone:** So say it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're ridiculous.

 **Rusherone:** Just do it. Open your mouth and speak the words so you can hear them. I promise, it'll make you feel better.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It might actually traumatize me.

 **Rusherone:** Now who's being ridiculous? Just do it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh my god, you're so annoying!

 **Rusherone:** You're the second person to tell me that today.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Must be true, then. :P

 **Rusherone:** Did you say it yet?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** STOP!

 **Rusherone:** I'm still waiting.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's literally two words.

 **Rusherone:** Exactly. So it's easy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Jesus, okay, you're the most annoying person I've ever met.

 **Rusherone:** Still waiting.

James sat back into the sofa and let out a sigh. Why did he put up with this guy? It was so dumb. _So_ dumb. There was no point to this.

But James was a man of his word, and he closed his eyes and said the words out loud in the empty room. "I'm gay."

It shouldn't have impacted him at all, but it did. He slowly opened his eyes and looked around, and nothing had changed. Yet, everything had because it did feel good. It felt like the weight of the world had been taken from him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I hate you.

 **Rusherone:** You okay?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No, I'm crying, you asshole.

 **Rusherone:** It's okay. I cried, too.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because you're gay?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah. I'd had suspicions but when I saw this hot guy at work, I knew for sure. And later that night, I cried about it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Why?

 **Rusherone:** Because of how it would affect my life. I'd have to tell my mom and my sister and figure out how to date dudes. The idea of dating at all was hard enough, but dating guys was even more scary.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I can't even imagine what my mom would say.

 **Rusherone:** Will say.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What?

 **Rusherone:** What she WILL say. Because you're going to tell her eventually.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hey, remember last time we talked and I told you not to pressure me to come out?

 **Rusherone:** I'm sorry, you're right. I'll back off. It's just that I want you to be happy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And I appreciate that. What did your mom and sister say when you told them?

 **Rusherone:** I haven't yet.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Ha! See? Don't be all cocky about this when you haven't done it either.

 **Rusherone:** It's only because I want to do it in person and they haven't been over to visit me. I will say it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I hope it goes well when you do.

 **Rusherone:** Thanks. I hope so, too. So...did you do your assignment?

The assignment. Which had been Kendall. James really didn't want to think about his best friend's super hot boyfriend right now.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Can't we talk about your date?

 **Rusherone:** We will. The way you're avoiding this makes me think you didn't.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well joke's on you, because I did.

 **Rusherone:** You did? That's great! How did it go?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Fine.

 **Rusherone:** Dude, don't make me beg. What did you say to him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hey.

 **Rusherone:** Did you say it first?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes. I was thrown off because I didn't expect to see him and I'd just had a fight with my buddy.

 **Rusherone:** Oh crap. Are you guys okay?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah, but him dating the hot guy is really...what was it he said? Putting a strain on our relationship.

 **Rusherone:** I'm sure it is. So you said hey and he said...

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He said hey.

 **Rusherone:** And then you left?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I thought of you, actually. I remembered what you said and I said hey, then he said hey and asked how I was, and I asked how he was. Just like you said.

 **Rusherone:** That's great! I'm so proud of you! It's a huge step for you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah well...we ended up talking more today. I still hate him.

 **Rusherone:** Did you at least get along better?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I guess. But the whole thing is a bad idea because I'm really attracted to him. Like more than I even realized. I think it's best to keep my distance from him as much as I can.

 **Rusherone:** If that's honestly the reason why, I'd understand that. As long as you're not running away.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm not. I was right, he's awesome and the more time I spend with him, the harder it is to hate him.

 **Rusherone:** You shouldn't HATE him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I shouldn't want him to bend me over and fuck me, either.

 **Rusherone:** WHOA. Dude, that's...wow.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Exactly! So it's better to hate him, right?

 **Rusherone:** Sorry, I'm still stuck on that mental image of you bending over for someone.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Shut up!

 **Rusherone:** I'm serious! I don't know why, but I imagined you as a top.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I always thought I was, too! But this guy makes me want to be like...I don't even know. And that's horrible for my friendship.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah, I can see why.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What do I do? If I don't get along with him, I lose my best friend. If I do, I end up wanting him to fuck me. LIFE SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD.

 **Rusherone:** That's a tough one. Is losing your best friend an option?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. He's the one good thing in my life and I refuse to let him go.

 **Rusherone:** Then it doesn't sound like you have a choice. You have to get along with the guy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** UGH this sucks. Can we talk about you now? I'm pissed off.

 **Rusherone:** Okay uh...we had dinner. My first date and I thought it went well.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's good, I'm really proud of you for that. Anything in particular you want to talk about?

 **Rusherone:** Not really. We're gonna see each other again.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Dude, that's awesome.

 **Rusherone:** Right? We agreed that we're not ready for anything too serious just yet. So I guess it's casual dating. Whatever that means.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't think I could do that.

 **Rusherone:** Casual dating?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. Like doesn't that leave it open for him to see other dudes?

 **Rusherone:** I guess.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And that doesn't bother you?

 **Rusherone:** It does, but I don't want to pressure him. He's the kind of guy you treat right.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh, I know what you mean. Those are the keepers.

 **Rusherone:** Exactly! So he's worth the wait. I don't think he'll be out dating other guys but if he does, I guess I can't really say anything.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It would still drive me insane. If I take you out, it means I want to be with you and nobody else. And I'd want you to feel the same.

 **Rusherone:** I think deep down we all want that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Who said they didn't want serious? Him or you?

 **Rusherone:** I think I did, but only because I didn't want to come on too strong or scare him away. He agreed right away, though.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are you sure he's not seeing a bunch of other dudes behind your back?

 **Rusherone:** He might be, but I don't think so. Even the asshole friend of his made a comment about how he isn't one to socialize much.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh, I forgot about that asswipe. Is he making things difficult for you?

 **Rusherone:** I don't really know how to read him. I think he's at least willing to give me a chance.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Honestly who cares what he thinks? You like the dude, the dude likes you, it shouldn't be anybody else's business.

 **Rusherone:** I know you're right. But the dude cares about his friend so I have to care, too.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's annoying.

 **Rusherone:** It's part of dating. You date someone, you date their family and friends, too. In a sense.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Says the guy who's been on one date.

 **Rusherone:** It's one more than you. :P

James was surprised into a laugh. Why was it that when this guy called him on his bullshit, it didn't piss him off?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Quit bragging, douchebag. So there was no making out?

 **Rusherone:** We kissed.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** SHUT UP YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME. Why didn't you tell me that right away?

 **Rusherone:** It was a kiss goodnight. No big deal.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh please, it was a KISS. It's a huge deal to virgins like us. How was it?

 **Rusherone:** Okay fine it was amazing and I can't wait to do it again.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I knew it! How did it feel?

 **Rusherone:** It's hard to put into words. It made me feel warm.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Like turned on warm? Or like warm fuzzies warm?

 **Rusherone:** The second one. It was a nice feeling.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm so jealous. How long did you kiss?

 **Rusherone:** Not very long. He surprised me with it so I wasn't really prepared the first time.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** The FIRST time? So you did make out!

 **Rusherone:** No, I just kissed him again before I got out of the car. That one was like a peck. The first one was a little longer. Our lips actually moved and stuff.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah? Tongue action?

 **Rusherone:** No, nothing like that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Damn. Maybe next time. When do you see him again?

 **Rusherone:** We have a date Saturday. Obviously I'll see him at work, but we're not gonna kiss there.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You'll be thinking about it, though. Did you think about it today when you saw him?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah. I can't wait for Saturday.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You'd better tell me everything.

 **Rusherone:** I will! I really am sorry for missing last night.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Dude, don't apologize for that! You were on a date! Which was the whole goal, right?

 **Rusherone:** True. And our goal for you was to get you talking to someone. Which we did.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. So...does that mean we're done here? Like our purpose is done and we shouldn't talk anymore?

 **Rusherone:** Is that what you want?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** How pathetic does it make me that I like talking to you anyway?

 **Rusherone:** I think it just means you have good taste in men. :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh wow, look at you go with the flirting! I'm already rubbing off on you!

 **Rusherone:** Oh I forgot! My guy told me yesterday I was...smooth? Was that it? Basically that I was flirting well. I wasn't even trying!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's fantastic!

 **Rusherone:** I know!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I just don't want you to think of me as a charity case and only talk to me for that reason.

 **Rusherone:** Dude, if anyone knows what it's like to be treated as a charity case, it's me. Why in the world would you think you're one?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because I'm sitting here home alone while my best friend goes on dates and now you're going on dates and it makes me feel pathetic but also sorry for myself.

 **Rusherone:** Well, you know that if you came out you could go on dates. Right?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes, I know. That doesn't make me feel better.

 **Rusherone:** I know what will. I'm going to keep talking to you because I like you and I want to.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Really?

 **Rusherone:** Really. The truth is I came home from my date last night and I was wishing you were around because I wanted to talk to you about all of my feelings. I feel like you don't judge me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I feel like you don't judge me, either. And I was wishing you were around because last night was rough and I needed someone.

 **Rusherone:** I'm sorry. Want to talk about it?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. Thanks, though.

 **Rusherone:** Okay. So then are we in agreement that we're friends because we want to be? Not because we need help?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well, we do still need help. I mean, you had a chance to make out and settled for a grandma kiss.

 **Rusherone:** It was not a grandma kiss! Our lips moved!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I expect tongue next time.

 **Rusherone:** Why are you obsessed with tongue?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because when I think about what I want in a kiss, there's definitely tongue. Probably a lot more, too.

 **Rusherone:** Like what?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Like...you know. Hands all over. In my hair, up my back, down my sides...maybe even on my ass.

 **Rusherone:** That's something to shoot for. You really are intense.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Is that bad?

 **Rusherone:** It doesn't feel bad over here. It feels pretty damn good.

 _Oh, fuck._ James had been halfway there the past thirty seconds or so, but at that message his body was suddenly wide awake.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So you and the dude...you're not exclusive, right?

 **Rusherone:** Why do you ask?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because I keep thinking about you saying you'd imagined me as a top. Which means you thought about me. Sexually.

No answer.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Please don't go.

 **Rusherone:** It was hard not to after our last talk, okay? When we signed off, I was hard and you were talking about jerking off and I was in the mood. So yeah, I thought about you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I thought about you, too. The whole time.

 **Rusherone:** Really?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh yeah.

 **Rusherone:** How are you so hot?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So you're hard again?

 **Rusherone:** Are you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I asked you first.

 **Rusherone:** Yes.

"Jesus," James mumbled, hand going to his pants to rub over the strained denim between his legs.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** How are YOU so hot?

 **Rusherone:** I'd love to continue this conversation but it's hard to type with one hand, so I think I'm gonna go "feel some things."

 **Kingofdiamonds:** God, I'm so turned on right now. How do you do that?

 **Rusherone:** Me? You started this.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm pretty sure you did. It amazes me that I can cuddle with my buddy, who I'm in love with, for hours on a couch, but a few words through a computer from you and I'm about to jizz my pants.

 **Rusherone:** Maybe I'm just that good.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Maybe I like it better when you're bad.

 **Rusherone:** Maybe I'll just bend you over and fuck you until you're begging for mercy.

"Oh holy fuck!" James yelled, shocked that he was so close to climax without even touching himself.

 **Rusherone:** Too much?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Only because if I don't go now, I'm going to make a mess on my computer.

 **Rusherone:** Same. I'm barely holding on. Same time tomorrow?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You'd better show up, I expect more of this.

Fingers scrabbling at his kitchen table, Kendall let out a whine.

 **Rusherone:** It's a date.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Fuck yes. Now go think of me and come.

 **Rusherone:** Jesus! Swear you'll do the same?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Who says I didn't already? ;)

"Holy fucking shit!" Kendall screamed. He scooted away from the table and finished the job, not fighting the images of James Diamond floating through his brain. It was wrong, and he knew that, but it did the job fast.

* * *

"How long is your ruler, Mr. Mitchell?"

Logan jumped out of his skin and yelled, chalk flying from his grip. The question had been spoken seductively into his ear, leaving his body tingling while attempting to recover from fright. "Dammit, James, that's not funny!"

"It's fucking hilarious. You didn't even hear me come in. You _always_ hear me come in."

"I was focused on the lesson, which is something every teacher should be doing." He spun and took the piece of chalk James was holding out before shoving him gently. "You're an asshole."

"Say that without wanting to laugh."

Logan shook his head, wishing he could be angry at James but he couldn't. He never stayed mad at James. "Are you done torturing me so we can move on to breakfast?"

"Ooo, what did you bring me today?" James rubbed his hands together in glee.

"That depends. How's your stomach?"

"Much better. I got it all out of my system. Literally."

"Are you sure? Because I have another cheese muffin if you're still having issues."

"Nope. I'm fine now."

"Okay, then I also brought a chocolate one. It's yours."

"Yes! I love you!" James lifted Logan off the ground and spun him, not letting go until Logan started beating on him.

"What has gotten into you today? You're never in this good of a mood so early in the morning."

"What, I'm not allowed to have a good day?" James extracted the chocolate muffin and grabbed his coffee from the desk, then lowered himself onto a student desk.

"I really wish you wouldn't sit on top of those. You're gonna break one. At least use the chair."

"Oh my god, it's fine." He started picking at the muffin, using his fingers to break pieces off.

"Really, what's going on? I expected you to be sulky today."

James fidgeted, dropping a chunk of chocolatey bread into his mouth before admitting, "I talked to my girl last night. Let's just say it was a _very_ interesting conversation."

"Oh. Did you guys Facetime or something?"

"No, nothing like that. Just words on a screen."

"And it was that good?"

"It was fantastic. I can't wait to do it again tonight."

"Well. Okay. That sounds like more information than I need to know, so I'm going to use your good mood to have a hard talk."

"Come on, man, don't kill my buzz!"

"I'm sorry, I gave you a break from it yesterday. I wanted to bring it up all afternoon but I didn't because I knew it was a sore subject and I didn't want to set you off. I just wanted to enjoy our time together."

"I knew that and I was grateful. I kept waiting for you to bring up the K word and you didn't once. Thank you, it was a nice afternoon."

"It was," Logan smiled, remembering how he'd joined into the video game before they made dinner together. James had even helped him create flashcards for his fifth period algebra class (very carefully following the notes Logan had made).

"So why are you gonna start my great morning off with a fight?"

"I don't want to fight." Logan picked up his coffee and sipped at it, letting his gaze roam over the god sitting in front of him devouring a muffin. He rarely allowed himself to think about it, but suddenly he ached to run his hands up those long thighs. Why did James have to be so happy? He was always sexiest when he was happy. "I'd rather we have a mature discussion."

"Don't forget who you're talking to here."

"I haven't, and I know you're capable of that when you want to be. So can we talk about yesterday with Kendall?"

"Which part?"

"You know which part. What happened when he went after you?"

"He didn't tell you?"

"All he said was that you'd talked things out and agreed to try to get along for my sake."

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Of course. I just wonder how it got to that. You wouldn't even sit in the same room with him."

James squirmed on the desk, making a whiny noise that meant he really didn't want to talk about this. "He called me rude and obnoxious."

"Which you were."

"He also...said some nice things about me. After saying mean things, but he still said them."

"What did he say that was mean?"

"Just that he didn't think I deserved to win the show."

Logan hissed in a breath. "Oh. I'm sorry, I know that's your Achilles heel."

"My what?"

"Your weakness. Like...kryptonite to Superman."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, he said that, and I said I was pissed at him for fucking up things for the Wild."

"Oh my god. How did you two not come to blows?" When James smirked, Logan quickly added, "Don't go there, you know what I mean."

"Because he also told me I'm talented. And I told him it's okay to wish he could still skate."

When there was nothing more, Logan asked, "That's it? That's all it took?"

"I don't know, the whole thing was weird. But...I think he's a good guy and even though I want to hate him, I can't. I mean, I kind of do, he's a dick. But not like he was before."

"What does that even mean?"

"It's hard to explain. Like now he's being a dick on purpose to fuck with me."

Logan frowned, trying to follow along. "And that's...good?"

"Yeah." When Logan looked lost, James laughed. "Just trust me. We're trying. So if you hear us insulting each other, don't assume it's a bad thing. It's just how we cope with a bad situation neither of us wants to be in."

Logan bit his lip. "And you're both doing this for me."

"Yeah," James replied, and when he did his voice had softened. "You're worth it."

"If I didn't know one of my students would be here any second, I'd hug you right now. For a really long time."

James melted, his gaze showing how badly he wanted that. "Save it for later, gorgeous."

"I really wish you'd stop calling me that," Logan murmured.

"Why?"

"Because I want to believe it so badly."

The clatter of student babble drifted in from the hallway, forcing them to look away from each other.

"Morning, Mr. Mitchell. Hey, Mr. Diamond!"

"Hey, Cindy. How's that piano solo coming?"

"Okay. Can you work with me a little during class? I keep messing up the run."

"You got it." James slid off the desk with his coffee. "See you at lunch," he said to Logan while tossing the muffin wrapper in the trash can.

"I didn't bring you anything today."

"It's cool, I brought leftovers from dinner last night." Making sure Cindy was turned away, he winked at Logan. "There's enough for two, if you'd like a _hot_ meal."

Logan wanted to strangle him, it was clear on that gorgeous face.

"Later, Cindy!"

"Bye, Mr. Diamond!"

James received a text just before first period started.

" _You are so dead. Just for that, I get the platinum controller later."_

He grinned, whistling as the bell rang. Logan was the only person on Earth he'd sacrifice the platinum controller for.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Not much to say about this chapter, so...on with the show! Thank you if you're reading this! :)

* * *

"Coach, I think you got a visitor again."

Kendall spun around fast, barely missing a basketball flying his way. He'd assumed (hoped) it would be Logan, but instead Lucy Stone smirked back at him with her arms crossed over her chest as if judging him. In her leather jacket and heavy boots, she somehow managed to look even more out of place than Logan had.

"You guys play without me, I'll be right back."

"Take your time, Coach," Oscar winked. "She's fine as—"

"Don't finish that, please."

"You know it's true. Too bad she's not into dudes."

Kendall had taken two steps, but stopped at that comment. "So you guys know about that? She's out?"

"Everybody knows it," Quentin shrugged. "She admitted it to a few friends of mine, too."

"And you're cool with that?"

"Except for the fact that it means I can't go after her, sure," Oscar laughed. "Not that she'd ever go for a student anyway, but still."

Kendall nodded, wondering if they'd say the same thing about him when the time came. _Hoping_ they would.

"You totally stick out in this place," Lucy commented when he approached.

"Me? I was thinking that about you."

"You're the only one wearing jeans. Why don't you wear shorts?"

"Did you forget I have a fake leg?"

"So what? It's no secret, nobody would care."

"You don't think it would freak them out? To actually see it?"

"One way to find out," she grinned. "Seriously, though, are you avoiding me?"

"Avoiding you? Of course not, why would I be?"

"'I'll talk to them at lunch and text you.' I didn't realize you meant lunch on a future day."

"Oh! No, I'm so sorry, I did ask and it was a no."

"Diamond?"

"Yeah. He really doesn't like you."

"He's afraid of me."

"Not sure he's wrong to be. You can be scary."

"Please, you love me. Mitchell would've been okay with it, though?"

"He agreed it's not a good idea, but I think mostly because of James' feelings. Hey, what did you say to him that pissed him off so much?"

Lucy shook her head. "I'd love to tell you, buuuuuut...I can't. Everything in there is confidential."

"Right. Well, whatever it was, he won't even tell Logan. So it must've been good."

"I told you, Kendall, I speak nothing but the truth in there. I bring reality into the situation."

It suddenly clicked. "Did you tell him he deserved to lose that contest thing?"

"What? No, we didn't even talk about that. I mean, except in the way that he was coming from that to this. I'm not heartless, I would never tell someone that to their face."

Self-loathing settled over Kendall. "Well, you can't come. I tried. I'm sorry."

"It's your loss. I'm not the one missing an opportunity to kiss my boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend, we're just...letting things ride."

"What does that even mean?"

"I told you, we're taking it slow. No real claim on each other, just...dating."

"How long is that going to last? Until you see him kiss someone else?"

"You know what? I have a class to run, so if you'd just—"

"Oh, Kendall, come on. You know you want more. You're not going to be satisfied with just...'letting things ride.' You need someone to claim you because you'd need to claim him. Admit it."

"You don't even know me. And I'm not about to screw this up with Logan. We'll take it at his pace. It's been one date!"

"Which is enough for you to know that you want more. But fine, keep fooling yourself that you're satisfied with grandma kisses."

Kendall's stomach dropped as a sick feeling settled. "Oh my god. Lucy. Do you go around pretending to be a guy in gay chat rooms just to torture men?"

She looked at him as if he'd just vomited a bouquet of flowers. "What are you even talking about?"

"Does the name Rush mean anything to you?"

"Rush? Like...I'm in one right now to get away from you because you sound crazy?"

"No, Rush like the hockey term. Like a name someone told you to call them."

"I don't know anyone named Rush. I'm assuming this is someone you met in a gay chat room? Wait, you go into those things? They're insane, everyone in there is just looking for sex, why would you do that? Oh my god, you're looking for sex."

"No! No, Lucy, just...you're really frustrating. But honestly, you don't go into them?"

"I tried one once. Hated it. Now I meet chicks in bars like normal people do. I'm hardly even online except for Facebook, and I only do that for aunts and uncles and cousins I don't want to see in person. Can you believe my great-grandma has more friends on there than me? She's like eighty!"

Kendall let out a relieved breath. "Okay. Sorry. You just sounded like someone I met in one and it freaked me out."

Lucy's gaze narrowed. "Are you talking to someone online? Is that why you're keeping your options open with Logan?"

"No, it's not like that. We're just friends."

"If you say so. You're sure there's no way I can go with you guys to the movie?"

"Not unless you make up with James sometime in the next two days."

"Impossible since he avoids me like the plague."

"Why don't you ever eat in the staff lounge?"

"Like I want to sit in there with those fuddy-duddies?"

"If you did, it might help. I mean, yesterday James couldn't stand to be in the same room with me but now we're at least...sort of okay."

"How did that happen?"

"We talked. Without Logan. And we agreed to a truce, at least when he's around."

Lucy looked as if she wanted to say something, then literally bit her tongue.

"We're trying."

"Kendall. _Please._ Make this happen for me. Tell James I want to make it up to him or something. That I apologized for upsetting him."

"You're gonna have to do that yourself."

"He won't come near me."

"I tried. Damn, the period's half over. I really need to get back over there."

"Fine. Thanks for trying. At least let me know how it goes."

"Okay. See you later."

As Kendall headed back toward the court, he realized some of the guys were watching Lucy leave while the rest were watching him as if...speculating. He'd now had two visitors during this period, both gay. It was only a matter of time before they figured it out, if they hadn't already.

 _Well, maybe this is for the best. Do I want to be miserable like King and keep my true self hidden, or do I want to be happy?_

Then again, this could put his job in jeopardy. Not all parents were cool with a gay man coaching their sons, especially one so close in age _to_ those sons. And without this job, he had nothing.

 _Fuck. This could ruin everything for me. I get it now, King. I get it._

* * *

James beat Kendall to the lounge that day, not surprised to find Logan sitting at their new table. Everything else had changed since Kendall showed up, why not that, too?

"Hey," he grinned, happy to have Logan to himself even for a minute or two. "Ready for some enchiladas?"

"I never thought I'd say this, but I don't think I can handle enchiladas right now."

"Why not?" Concerned, James sat down without taking the plastic containers out of his soft cooler. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I think it's just allergies or something. I started feeling off during third period and now my stomach's acting up."

After studying Logan more closely, James lifted the back of his hand to a warm cheek. "You do feel hot. Aren't fevers dangerous? Haven't you told me that before?"

"Only if they remain too high for a prolonged period of time." When James started to feel his forehead, Logan smacked his hand away. "I'm fine. Just not up for enchiladas."

James was actually glad to see Kendall take a seat. "Hey, feel his forehead."

"What?"

"James, I'm fine," Logan argued.

"Feel his forehead. I think he has a fever."

Kendall frowned. "You okay?" He pressed his hand to the smooth skin, Logan suffering it with an annoyed expression. "Dude, you do feel hot. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's probably just something I ate."

"He's turning down enchiladas," James shared. "And these are damn good enchiladas. Which I didn't bring for you."

Logan rolled his eyes at the childish tone.

"I'm happy with my turkey sandwich," Kendall retorted.

"Then you're crazy, because Logan made these and they're phenomenal."

"He can have mine," Logan offered. "I'm not going to eat it anyway."

"No way, this douchebag is not eating your lunch!"

"James, grow up for two minutes. Please. I'm not in the mood."

"It's fine," Kendall stated. "I'm more worried about you, Logan."

"And _I'm_ fine."

"You sure?" James asked, the flushed cheeks and the general misery in Logan's eyes concerning him.

"Yes. Go heat up your lunch." Once James was gone, Logan rested his forehead on one hand. "I'm sorry about James. He's a work in progress."

"I don't care about him right now. Tell me the truth, are you okay?"

"I really am," Logan promised. "I have a headache and possibly a slight fever, and I'm starting to feel a little nauseous but it'll pass."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Logan bit his lip, hesitant to ask. "Would I be a horrible person if I asked for half of your sandwich? That sounds like something my stomach can handle."

Kendall immediately passed over the whole thing. "It's yours."

"No, you need to eat something."

"I'll eat your enchiladas. He can just suck it."

Logan smiled, tilting his head sideways to look at Kendall. "You're pretty amazing, you know that?"

"Amazing enough to kiss me in that little corner of the gym that nobody ever—"

"No!" Logan laughed, it turning into a cough. "I forgot about that. There's also a cough and a sore throat. I really hope I didn't pass whatever this is on to you."

"I'm not worried about it. I think you should go home."

"I can't leave halfway through the day. Who would teach my classes?"

"I'm sure they can get a sub."

"On short notice like this? Plus there's the faculty meeting after school, I can't miss that."

James joined them just in time to hear that. "Oh god, are we having one of those again?"

"Yes, it's today. Don't you read your memos?"

"I don't get memos. I'm not an actual teacher, remember? You're supposed to tell me this stuff." When Kendall reached out to take one of the plastic containers James had brought back, James smacked his hand. "That's for Logan."

"He wanted my sandwich. I'd rather he eat that than nothing at all."

James looked over in question at Logan, who nodded and picked up a sandwich half.

"Whatever, dickweed. Enjoy it while it lasts because I'm never bringing you lunch again."

"If I didn't know this was for Logan I'd be afraid you poisoned it, asswipe."

James paused while lifting a steaming bite to his mouth. "I'm surprised you know that word."

"I heard it recently and found it charming. It's most definitely accurate to describe you."

Logan sighed while chewing on turkey and bread. "So this is how it's gonna be between you two?"

James shrugged. "It's better than me taking off whenever this douchebag shows up, right?"

"Is it, though?" Logan wondered.

"It is," Kendall answered, and surprisingly he was grinning at James in a way that caused an answering smile to form on James' face.

" _You have a gorgeous smile. You should use it more often."_

 _Don't think about that right now, James. Don't think about that ever again._

James' inner monologue was interrupted by a sudden lurching from Logan, who bent forward and covered his mouth with one hand.

"Oh shit," James whispered. He quickly stood, Kendall doing the same, and together they steered Logan out of the room.

"I'm fine," Logan argued.

"Shut up," James commanded.

"Where's the nearest bathroom?" Kendall wanted to know.

"Right over there."

They got Logan into it, stopping to watch him run toward a stall and fall to his knees before retching sounds filled the room. James' eyes were scared when they met Kendall's.

"He's gonna be okay," Kendall said softly. "It's just the flu or something."

"Right." James obviously didn't believe that, though; his breath was coming in sharp pants and panic was making him dizzy.

"Hey."

A strong hand reached out to rest on his shoulder and squeeze.

"I promise. He's gonna be okay."

"What if he's not?"

"That's not an option."

A toilet flushed and James rushed over, Kendall right behind him. James squatted down to rub Logan's back. "You okay, bud?"

"Yeah. Just..." Logan reached for toilet paper to wipe his mouth. "Water would be good."

"On it."

Kendall rushed out as fast as he could, leaving James to hug Logan against him. "Don't scare me like that."

"It's just the flu. It's been going around, remember we got that memo yesterday that—oh. Nevermind."

"You're sweaty and shaky and pale and...please go to a doctor or something. At least go home and rest."

Logan sighed. "Okay. I won't be much good puking in my classes anyway."

"Exactly." Gently hugging Logan, he pressed a kiss to a feverish cheek. "You gotta take care of yourself because I'd go crazy without you. I need you."

"You'd be fine," Logan chuckled.

"We both know that's a lie."

"Here!"

James reached for the bottle of water Kendall passed over, then backed off so Logan could drink from it.

"Give him some space." Kendall dragged James to his feet, pulling him out of the stall.

"He's gonna go home."

"Good."

"I'll drive him."

Logan argued, "You will not drive me, I'm perfectly capable of driving."

"What if you puke again?"

"It's ten minutes. I think I can make that."

"What if you don't?"

Kendall again squeezed James' shoulder. "Let him go. You're needed in class."

"Fuck that, Thomas can cover it. I'm not even the real teacher."

Logan shook his head. "Cindy needed help, remember? You promised her."

"Ugh."

When Logan started to stand, James moved in to help. He didn't let go until Logan approached the sink to wash his hands and splash cool water against his face.

"Do you need any medicine? I can get some from the nurse, she's got the hots for me."

"I have it all at home," Logan promised. He thanked Kendall for the paper towel that was held out to him, drying his face before turning a wan smile on James. "So this is all I had to do to make you two get along? Get sick?"

James made an "oh please" sound. "Who says we're getting along?"

"We're totally not getting along," Kendall agreed. "This is a momentary lapse of reason."

Logan chuckled weakly and hugged each of them to his sides. "Whatever it is...thanks for taking care of me."

"Of course," James murmured. "We love you, bro. Now _you_ have to take care of _yourself._ Swear you'll go home and just sleep? Nothing else? You're allowed to watch one of your nerdy documentaries or read a book, but nothing else. Swear to me."

"I swear," Logan replied. "All I want to do is sleep."

"And text me when you get home."

"I will."

They made sure Logan got to his car safely after stopping in to let the office know he'd be going home; luckily they had a sub just about to leave for the day, and she agreed to take over his classes. As Logan rarely used his sick days, no one argued with him and instead the office staff wished him well in his recovery.

James stood behind Kendall in the parking lot, both watching until Logan's car made it to the street.

"He'll be fine."

"I know," James said in an annoyed tone. "Quit saying that, I'm not an idiot you have to repeat yourself to twenty times."

"We both know you're worried about him."

The indifference was hard to keep up. "Why aren't you?"

"I am. I just know that worrying about it isn't going to help him get better. But hey, would you let me know when he texts you? So I know he's okay?"

"Like I'm gonna give you my number? Keep dreaming, asswipe." Kendall looked like he was begging for patience, so James compromised with, "I'll tell him to text you."

"Thank you."

They started walking back toward the building. "I guess you can have his enchiladas, since he said you could, but don't you dare dream of sitting with me."

"Yeah, I think they call those kinds of dreams nightmares."

James didn't speak again until he was gathering together his food and drink in the lounge. "You're probably not gonna be at the meeting today, right? Hockey practice and all?"

"No practice today. According to the memo, this meeting is mandatory."

"God, they're so boring. If there's a Hell on Earth, it's this sort of thing."

"Sucks that Logan won't be there to distract us."

"Yeah, he's the only reason I survive that torture. Why do I even have to go? I'm not official. I'm an aide."

"I guess because it concerns the students and how classes are run. Tell Logan to text me, okay? I know you wish I'd just go away, but I care about him."

"I know you do, which is why I will do that for you. But don't get used to me being nice. It's only because Logan's sick."

"Heaven forbid you should be nice to me just because you like me," Kendall smirked. "But you do. You don't want to, but you do. I can tell."

"There you go dreaming again."

"Watch out, I see a hint of that gorgeous smile coming on."

"You're fucking blind if you see that." James spun on his heel, more than ready to be away from Kendall.

"Know what else I see?"

"Don't care."

A hand on his shoulder stopped him from storming out. James forced himself not to react, but then Kendall played dirty by speaking softly into his ear from behind. "Those jeans really cup your ass just right."

 _Fuuuuuuuck._ Employing all of the acting knowledge he'd attained over the years, James responded without showing that his body was on fire. "You keep forgetting that I'm not gay, so that doesn't work on me."

The hand dropped away. "You're right, I did forget that for a second. It's not as much fun if it doesn't mess with your head."

James grinned triumphantly back over his shoulder. "Next time try a little... _harder."_

He didn't expect the flare that lit up in Kendall's eyes, but the reply belied that. "Doesn't work on me, either."

James leaned back to whisper, "Tell that to the boner in your pants." With a wink, he strutted out of the lounge with his head held high.

 _Take_ that, _asswipe._


	12. Chapter 12

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So a note about this chapter. I'm a little worried that the format of the game won't carry over, because when I wrote it everything worked fine, but when I emailed it to my beta, the spacing got wonky. So to combat that, I've added slash marks between each word of the game. For example, if I was trying for "I love you" it would look like _ / _ _ _ _ / _ _ _. And let's just hope that carries over properly too. Really praying this isn't too confusing and comes out right.

If not, I'm here for any questions you might have! Thank you for reading! :D

UPDATE: It did mess up some of the game, because it isn't allowing the F word at one point. Oh, this site. Again, sorry for any confusion.

* * *

Kendall had no trouble finding James in the auditorium, assuming correctly that he would sit in the back row. He slid into the seat next to him, surprised that James had a notebook open on his lap as if he was about to take notes. "Hey."

"What the hell? Didn't I tell you specifically _not_ to sit next to me?"

"I wanted to know if you'd heard anything from Logan. How's he doing?"

"He didn't text you?"

"When he first got home, yeah. That was hours ago. Have you heard since then?"

"I called him a few minutes ago. He was gonna take some NyQuil and pass out. Said he threw up one more time after getting home but now his stomach's settling down."

"Good," Kendall nodded. "He sounded okay?"

"He sounded tired. But otherwise okay. He was cranky, which is a good sign."

"How is that good?"

"Because he always gets cranky with me when I worry about him, unless he's super sick."

"Has he been super sick since you've known him?"

"Once. He exhausted himself and was stressed out trying to run a tutoring program after school. I made him give that up after a month because he got so sick."

"Sounds like Logan," Kendall chuckled. "You taking notes?"

"I thought about it, for Logan. But I suck at note-taking. I start out with words and end up with doodles all over the page. So probably not."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate that you tried."

The meeting was called to order, James waiting for Kendall to move away and praying he would. It was getting more and more difficult to pretend like he wasn't drooling every time he looked at the asshole, and what if Kendall decided to fuck with him and do that whispering thing again?

Well, at least there was a notebook covering his lap. Thank god for small blessings.

Kendall actually paid attention to the meeting, at least for the first five minutes. Then he started to fidget. His left leg was soon bouncing up and down, James doing his best to not let the motion distract him.

When the inevitable whisper came, it wasn't seductive at all. "Okay, this officially sucks. Think we can sneak out?"

"I wish. They pass around a clipboard for us to sign in and since we're in the back, it'll take forever to get here. Damn, I should've sat up front. But of course then they'd see me sneak out."

"How do you guys stand this?"

James wrote two words in the notebook, then tilted it toward Kendall.

" _Like this."_

Kendall waited for more, but there was nothing. "I don't get it," he whispered.

James scribbled again. _"We write notes. Or play games."_

One of Kendall's eyebrows shot up. He held out a hand for the pencil and notebook; James complied.

" _What kind of games?"_

Now it was James' turn. _"All kinds. He thinks MASH is stupid, but plays it anyway for me."_

" _I haven't played that since 4th grade."_

" _It's still fun. There's also hangman."_

Hangman. Now _there_ was a game Kendall could play. He wasn't much for word games, but he'd always enjoyed the guessing part of Hangman.

He glanced over at James, who briefly acknowledged it before facing the front. After thinking for a few moments, Kendall drew the Hangman symbol and a series of spaces below it.

When James saw the doodle, he grinned. Logan had taught him all the tricks to be good at Hangman. He wrote down the letter E.

Kendall adjusted the spaces so they looked like this: _ _ _ _ _ _ e

James grinned. Good old Logan with his advice that E was the most commonly used letter. Next he tried S. Kendall filled in the blanks.

_ s s _ _ _ e

Okay, two of the most common letters down. Logan had also mentioned N as a frequent one. When he tried that, Kendall drew the hangman's head.

 _Damn. Okay, time for a vowel._ He went with I.

_ s s _ i _ e

James studied the letters and wrote down a word. _"Missile."_

" _Not even close. It doesn't even work."_

When James looked again, he realized Kendall was right. What about... " _isspipe"_

Now there was a stick drawn straight down from the head. _"Dude there can't be another I and that's not even a word. You suck at this game. Try another letter instead of guessing."_

That pissed James off. Yes, Logan reminded him of rules like that, but he was never rude about it. Just...a little frustrated occasionally. He took a deep, calming breath and looked at the puzzle again. Maybe time for another vowel. He could see one fitting into the beginning, so...

" _A"_

Kendall filled in the letter so that it now read: a s s _ i _ e

James looked at it and his jaw dropped. When he looked to his left, Kendall was smirking in challenge, his green eyes twinkling. "Asshole," James muttered under his breath.

"Close, but not quite," Kendall whispered.

"I know what the word is!" James hissed more loudly than he meant to, causing two teachers in front of them to glance back. "Sorry."

Once they'd turned away, James yanked the notebook from Kendall and wrote down the correct word.

 _"asswipe"_

Kendall silently clapped next to him. James flipped to a new page and drew another hangman symbol, knowing exactly what he wanted to say to Kendall.

_ _ _ _ / _ _ _

"Two words?" Kendall asked quietly. James nodded. He grinned when Kendall chose E first, doing exactly what James had thought he would. James drew the head. Kendall tried again with N. A stick appeared instead. After thinking more, Kendall tried A. One leg was drawn.

Kendall used the pencil to write, _"You do realize it has to be actual words, right?"_

" _Trust me, these are real words."_

" _Are they spelled right?"_

" _Hell yes."_

"Huh," Kendall said out loud, studying the spaces. He wrote _"hell yes."_

" _Nice try, but you already used E. Moron."_

Kendall supposed he deserved that insult. He tried S and was again disappointed by a second leg joining the hangman's body. "What the hell?" he whispered. This was why Katie always beat him at Hangman, because she knew which letters were most commonly used.

Then again, this was James Diamond he was playing with. Maybe he should go the opposite route.

When he tried a U, he was rewarded with two spaces being filled in.

_ u _ _ / _ _ u

Rather than seem annoyed that Kendall had gotten somewhere, James stared at him in challenge as if daring him to keep guessing correctly. Kendall chose O.

_ u _ _ / _o u

All it took was one look into James' eyes to know what he was thinking. With a grin, Kendall wrote out _"fuck you"._

Proud of himself, James drew a happy face.

 _Oh, it's on._ Kendall started a fresh game, this time adding a third word.

_ _ _ _ / _ _ _ / _ _ _ _

James tried E, S, and N with no luck. He finally got somewhere with A.

_ _ _ _ / _ _ _ / _ a _ _

T yielded no new results, but R did.

_ _ _ _ / _ _ _ / _ a r _

What was it Logan had said about common letters versus uncommon ones? Something about how weird things come in groups? Or was that him talking about the punk rock kids at the mall? Well, it couldn't hurt to try that, because the common letters weren't doing him any good on this one. Or maybe he could compromise with that weirdass letter that for some unknown reason worked as both a consonant _and_ a vowel. He tried Y.

_ _ _ _ / y _ _ / _ a r _

You. The second word had to be you. Which took him back to "fuck you" but Kendall couldn't reuse that, right? Or...

Testing his theory, he guessed U.

_ u _ _ / y _ u / _ a r _

" _You can't use the same thing twice."_

" _I changed it. Not the same thing."_

James supposed that might be allowed. So he knew the first two words, what could possibly come after "fuck you"? Was Kendall calling him some insult name like...narc? Dark? No, that didn't make sense. But it was better than anything else he had going. He tried D.

_ u _ _ / y _ u / _ a r d

A soft gasp left him when it fell into place. It wasn't a name; it was a description of sex, and a style that James was _dying_ to experience. Attempting to keep from showing that he was overheated, James wrote it out.

" _fuck you hard"_

" _If you were gay, that would be fucking with you so hard right now, wouldn't it?"_

" _But I'm not."_

" _It's fun to piss you off anyway."_

James turned the page and angrily scratched out a new hangman symbol and three fresh words.

_ _ _ _ / _ _ _ / _ _ _ _

Already knowing where James was going with it, Kendall chose F first.

f _ _ _ / _ _ _ / f _ _ _

All he had to figure out was the third word. How would he love to be fucked? He tried A.

f _ _ _ / _ _ _ / f a _ _

 _Jesus._ When both S and T proved to be correct, Kendall had to squeeze his legs together to keep from squirming. Had he ever been so turned on?

 _Yes. King does this to you. Maybe tonight he'll do it again._

Kendall wrote out "fuck you fast." James grinned evilly, and Kendall took his turn. At this point they easily could have just written the words out instead of making each other guess, but the torture of drawing it out seemed to add to the excitement.

When it was Kendall's turn to choose the puzzle, he repeated the pattern. James didn't even bother picking the letters of the first two words; it was the last word that mattered.

His E and N were wrong. S, on the other hand...

_ _ _ _ / _ _ _ / s _ _ _

James' foot was tapping now, body restless. He thought of and discarded words that would make sense and fit with the puzzle, stumped until he remembered his own last one.

 _Fast._

He suddenly knew what it was and had to bite down a moan. Sure enough, the next three letters were correct so that he filled in "fuck you slow."

Wasn't this meeting over yet? James could swear they'd been here for days. He really needed to get away from Kendall, because this wasn't going to do either of them any good in a room filled with people.

He glanced up at the clock on the wall and saw they should have about five minutes left, if everything ran on time. Kendall nudged him with a clipboard, James quickly signing it before handing it across him to an aide. They could leave now. It was five minutes early, nobody would notice.

Was James about to walk away from this, though? Hell no. Not without having the last word.

For his final puzzle, he stretched it to six words. Kendall's eyes widened, impressed. He started with F to make sure they were still on the same page, and when that was correct he tried for something not included in the basic "fuck you" they had going. He was rewarded with four spaces being filled in.

f _ _ _ / _ _ _ / _ _ / a _ a _ _ _ _ / a / _ a _ _

Still, it was a lot of words. And they were running out of time. Maybe the basic word would fill in other spots. He tried U.

f u _ _ / _ _ u / u _ / a _ a _ _ _ _ / a / _ a _ _

Well, it was something. Still not enough, though. C got him nowhere new, and neither did K. There seemed to be a lot of vowels already, so he went with Y. Still nothing helpful.

Time was running out and he _really_ needed to know what James had picked.

What would Katie do? He could hear her voice in his head. "Go back to basics. When you've tried the weird stuff, try the easy stuff again."

Okay, so...S? N? T? He tried S and got lucky. N also worked for one space. T was another winner, and he sat back to stare at what he had so far.

/ y _ u / u_ / a _ a _ n s t / a/ _ a _ _

James leaned over. "Almost out of time, Knight. Clock's ticking."

Kendall let out a frustrated sigh and looked up at the wall clock. He could hear the speaker wrapping things up, knew that if he didn't guess this James would never let him live it down. He focused harder and realized the third word had to be "up." It could be us, except...

 _No. We already used S. It has to be up. Fuck you up...against?_

That made sense at least. Fuck you up against...

Kendall gasped this time, looking at the clock again, which was on the...

Wall.

 _Oh shit. Oh holy fucking shit, he can't be serious. He can't fucking be serious._

Very slowly and with shaking fingers, Kendall filled in the blanks.

" _fuck you up against a wall"_

James held up a hand and whispered, "Nice job, Knight."

Before he could return the high five, everything around him was in motion. Bags being zipped up, bodies standing from seats, laughter floating to him.

And he was harder than he'd ever been in his life because all he could think about was Diamond fucking him up against a wall.

"See you tomorrow, pal," James smirked. He snatched the notebook away, causing Kendall to grab for his backpack and shove it onto his lap. "I'll make sure Logan checks in with you tonight."

 _Logan._

What was he doing? He was dating someone. _Dating_ someone! He couldn't be thinking about this guy like that.

Kendall watched James join the mass of bodies leaving the room, wondering why James was torturing him like this. Yes, they liked messing with each other, but James wasn't even gay.

 _That never stops him from doing it to Logan, does it? To him it's just a game._

"Asswipe," he muttered. "You really do have no heart."

* * *

James let himself into Logan's apartment quietly with his own key. Just as he'd expected, it was to the sight of Logan asleep on the sofa with a documentary about who knows what playing at a low volume on the television. He set his bag of groceries down on the kitchen counter, about to put the 7UP in the fridge when he remembered Logan once saying it worked better on an upset stomach at room temperature.

 _Gross, but Logan's never wrong, so..._

On the counter it went.

After kicking off his shoes near the couch, James reached down for the remote before gently lifting Logan's legs and sliding under them and the blanket covering him. Logan shifted, a cough breaking free, and James rubbed a hand over his calf.

"You shouldn't be here."

And wow, did Logan sound miserable. His voice was raspy and nasally. James squeezed Logan's knee. "You know I had to make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay. Swear. But I don't want to get you sick."

"I'm not worried about it. Besides, it wouldn't kill me to spend a day lounging at home."

"Without pay, it might. You don't get sick pay, right?"

"I don't," James sighed. "But money's not a problem for me, and even so I have a best friend who is obsessed with saving money, so if I get into a tight spot I know I'll be okay because that best friend will bail me out."

Logan didn't argue that point. "You still shouldn't be sick."

James continued to flip channels. "How about you worry about you for a change, and let me do the same?" He felt Logan raise his head and stare across the couch at him but forced himself to keep his eyes on the screen. Logan was adorably fuckable when he was mussed from sleep. "Oh, I'm supposed to ask you to text Kendall."

"I did."

"I meant when I got here. The dickweed's worried about you."

"That's so sweet." Logan reached for his phone, swiping it off the coffee table and smiling at the screen. "He texted me after the meeting."

 _The meeting._ James didn't want to think about the meeting; not only did it send guilt crushing down over his chest, it made his dick want to stand up proudly. _Knock it off, you are NOT allowed to lust after your best friend's boyfriend._

"He asked if he can bring me anything. Isn't he amazing?"

James rolled his eyes. "I told him I had it covered. He needs to back off."

"I think it's adorable."

"Well, tell him I took care of it. I brought you soup and crackers and 7UP."

"Did you really?"

"Of course. It's what you always bring me."

"No, I _make_ you soup. That store-bought crap is...crap."

"It's the best I can do. I even got the homestyle kind, so maybe it'll be almost as good as yours."

After responding to Kendall that he was in good hands, Logan set down his phone and stared at James again. James continued to focus on the television. Logan sat up.

"Where are you going? You should be laying down."

"I'm fine, I just have to run to the bathroom." At James' panicked look, he quickly added, "No, not for that. Just normal stuff."

"Okay. Call me if you need me."

"James, I really am fine. It's the flu."

"I don't care if it's a fucking paper cut, I want you to call me if you need me."

Logan slid a hand over to squeeze James' thigh, smiling as he stood up. James tried not to react.

The urge to read the texts between them was hard to resist once Logan was gone. He reminded himself it didn't matter; he knew they were dating, he knew they probably sent things like hearts and kisses to each other, and seeing it with his own eyes would only upset him more. It was difficult, but James resisted.

When Logan returned, he sat further from James but this time laid down so that his head was on James' lap. James' hand automatically smoothed Logan's hair before helping him get the blanket settled. "I thought you were trying to protect me from your germs."

"Well, at least if you get sick, we can stay home and be sick together."

"Somehow that actually sounds like a nice idea."

Logan's cheek was warm against his thigh. James pressed his hand to the one he could reach. "You're still hot."

"My fever's going down. I just took my temperature."

"Okay. Can I get you anything?"

"Just your presence."

"Done."

One hand rubbed soothingly up and down Logan's arm, the other got lost in Logan's hair and gently massaged his scalp.

"That's nice. But are you really forcing me to watch cartoons?"

"These are cool cartoons. About vampires and demons."

"I'm probably just going to sleep anyway. The NyQuil's making it hard to stay awake."

"Good, you need to sleep."

"You'll stay, right?"

"Not going anywhere."

Logan bent his arm so that he could twine their fingers together. "Thanks for taking care of me."

"You know I always do."

"I know. And you do it well."

"That's mutual."

"James...I never say it, but...I appreciate you. I'd be lost without you just like you'd be lost without me."

"You wouldn't, though."

"I would."

"You'd find someone else. Like Kendall."

"He's great, but...he's not you."

"Good thing, since you don't want to date me."

Logan bit his lip, the medicine getting harder to fight. His eyelids were heavy when he asked, "What happened after I left? Did you two eat lunch together?"

"No. I left him in the lounge."

"Did you at least leave him the food?"

"Nope."

"James..."

"He had his sandwich, he was fine."

After letting out a sigh, Logan snuggled deeper against James' thigh. "How was the meeting?"

"Boring as always. I wanted to take notes for you, but that didn't happen."

"Thanks for thinking of me. Did you sneak out early?"

"No. I uh...Kendall was worried about you so he came over to ask me how you were, and then he ended up staying."

"You didn't kill each other?"

"We played Hangman."

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"Who won?"

"Uh...we didn't really keep score."

"Is he any good?"

 _He's so fucking good._ James swallowed, fighting down the feelings that wanted to surface when he remembered their sexual word joust. "I'm sure you could beat him."

"Probably. I'm glad you two are getting along. It makes me feel like less of a jerk for dating him."

 _Which makes me feel like more of a jerk for wanting him. God, I'm the worst person._ Wanting the feelings of guilt to go away, James focused on the scalp massage and squeezed Logan's hand. He was right where he wanted to be, and nothing was better than this. "I'll heat up the soup in a few hours."

There was no answer. Logan had fallen into a peaceful slumber.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Just a huge thank you to everyone reading this. I'm glad you all enjoyed Hangman haha.

* * *

Though James repeatedly tried to stay, Logan sent him home just before "Jeopardy!" with the promise that he was feeling a little better and would call if he needed anything. James still wasn't convinced, not wanting to leave his sick best friend to fend for himself, but Logan weakly pushed him out the door while swearing all he was going to do was sleep. After his show, of course.

James headed down to his car with a sigh, hating to leave Logan because even though he knew his worries were silly, the thought of anything happening to Logan terrified him. Sure, Logan would move on without him, but Logan also had a boyfriend to take care of him. Who did James have?

 _Rush._

The word seemed to come from nowhere, bringing feelings with it that were both a relief and a curse. He'd hardly thought about Rush from the moment Kendall sat next to him in that auditorium; between their...whatever that had been...and Logan's illness, there hadn't been much room in James' brain for anything else. Now he realized that he did have someone, at least sort of. But what good did it do him when they were never going to meet? Rush wouldn't check in on him, wouldn't make sure he was taken care of and ate well and that he went to bed at a decent hour. Nobody cared about him the way Logan did.

Then again, Logan didn't make him want to come with just a few words on a screen, either. What _was_ that? And why couldn't he wait to get home suddenly in hopes it would happen again?

It was almost eight by the time Rush showed up. James had sent one last text to Logan to make sure he was okay, then tried to put the worry out of his mind and focus on Rush. A distraction was exactly what he needed.

 **Rusherone:** You there?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm here. And going insane, talk to me.

 **Rusherone:** What's wrong?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Just a lot on my mind and I really need a distraction.

 **Rusherone:** Want to talk about it?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Nope. How was your day?

 **Rusherone:** It was...interesting. Had its good and bad points. I also spent half the day horny and that's new for me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because of me?

 **Rusherone:** Partly.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Thank god, because I'm feeling the same way.

 **Rusherone:** Things going okay with your buddy?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** We're actually doing great. I'm still attracted to his boyfriend, though, and that's getting worse. I don't know how to fight it.

 **Rusherone:** Use me.

A soft whine erupted from James' throat. Just like that, he was hard again.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm going crazy. I've never felt like this before, I have so many sexual feelings and there's no way to get it all out.

 **Rusherone:** I'm in the same boat. The guy I'm seeing wants to take things slow and I totally get that, but in the meantime I'm having to keep my urges inside and I just want to fuck something so hard. Is that wrong?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't know. I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I just know that I need to experience sex soon or I'm gonna blow.

 **Rusherone:** That might be fun. :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Fuck, don't even tease me right now, I am so turned on.

 **Rusherone:** So am I. If you were here right now, would you blow me?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'd do anything I could get away with.

 **Rusherone:** Right now, that's everything.

James groaned, again picturing Kendall and hating himself for it. He had to stop this, it wasn't right to picture your best friend's boyfriend when you beat off.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Please answer one question for me. Just one that won't give away your identity but I think will help me.

 **Rusherone:** What do you want to know?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Your hair is dark, right? Like black or brown?

 **Rusherone:** It's blond. Does that help? Are you just trying to picture me?

 _FUCK._ Dammit, that wasn't going to help. Fuck Knight for this, for being so damn hot.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah.

 **Rusherone:** I don't suppose you're blond, too?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. And that's all I'm comfortable sharing about my appearance.

 **Rusherone:** I understand. Are you hard?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm about to get naked. Because you might be the hottest fucking thing I've ever known.

 _Outside of Kendall. I wish you two would stop blurring in my head._ James forced Kendall out of his mind, only to have that fail when Rush answered.

 **Rusherone:** Do it. Do it with me.

"Fuck!" This time James yelled it out loud, body quaking with need.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are we crazy?

 **Rusherone:** Do you really care right now?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Right now all I care about is getting off.

 **Rusherone:** I'm down to boxers. Where are you?

James licked his lips, hardly able to breathe. He caught up quickly, then went the next step because he needed Rush to so badly.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're slacking.

 **Rusherone:** Oh hell, are you naked?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Why aren't you?

It was another minute before Rush replied.

 **Rusherone:** Done. This is weird.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Want to stop?

 **Rusherone:** No. I want to keep going until we come together.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm already halfway there.

 **Rusherone:** Have you been going at it?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No, this is all without even touching myself. It's what you do to me.

 **Rusherone:** That's so hot. You do the same for me, just so you know.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It helps me feel less weird about all of this. Do something.

 **Rusherone:** Like what?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Anything. Just do something and then tell me about it.

 **Rusherone:** I just stroked myself a few times. It felt fantastic.

Oh god. There went the image of Kendall in his brain, doing just that and making sounds that...

 **Kingofdiamonds:** My head's about to explode.

 **Rusherone:** Wasn't that the whole point of this? :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Don't make me laugh, you'll kill the mood.

 **Rusherone:** Sorry. Your turn.

James took a deep, calming breath; it didn't really help. He closed his eyes and stroked himself, picturing Kendall watching him from across the room. Kendall's face was hungry, predatory, and Kendall wanted nothing but to bend him over and fuck him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm close. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but I've never been so turned on.

 **Rusherone:** Neither have I. Tell me what you did.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I jerked it a few times while imagining you watching me.

 **Rusherone:** How did I look?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hungry. Like you wanted to fuck me.

 **Rusherone:** I do.

"Oh my fucking GOD!" James moaned. His hand was busy now, muscles tightening as his orgasm closed in. He used one hand to type as fast as he was able.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** how would you?

The answer didn't come right away, making James think Rush was having the same problem on his end.

 **Rusherone:** hard. fast

 **Kingofdiamonds:** i'd scream

 **Rusherone:** scream louder

 **Kingofdiamonds:** come all over the wall

There was nothing for a long minute. James tried to hold on, but he was busy picturing Kendall going over the edge and that made it more difficult.

 **Rusherone:** Do it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** did you

 **Rusherone:** Yes. Fucking come for me. Hard.

That was all it took. James turned in the kitchen chair, aiming away from the laptop, and let go with a yell he tried to muffle while his body spasmed in ecstasy. "Oh god," he managed, out of breath and shaky. "Oh my god." He used his arm to wipe a sheen of sweat off his forehead, then reached for a napkin and cleaned up.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Holy fucking shit, dude.

 **Rusherone:** That was the best orgasm I've ever had.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Same. What the fuck did we just do?

 **Rusherone:** I don't know. But it felt good.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That is so not an adequate word for what that felt like.

 **Rusherone:** I needed that. Thank you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So did I. I'm still trying to catch my breath.

 **Rusherone:** Me too. Where does this leave us?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I have no idea. I mean, I'm doing nothing wrong, but you're dating someone.

 **Rusherone:** I know. We agreed to keep it casual though, so...I still feel guilty.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You shouldn't. He's not your boyfriend.

 **Rusherone:** I guess. If I wasn't in such a hurry for sex, I wouldn't be having this problem.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You can't help that.

 **Rusherone:** But he should be worth the wait.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Is he not?

 **Rusherone:** He is. I'm just experiencing so many feelings for the first time and I don't know how to contain them all. Today was rough, I was literally having to hide a boner at work. In a crowd of people. What's wrong with me?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** My buddy would probably say it's normal at our age, that we're going through our sexual peak or something. I feel like all it takes is a look from a hot guy and I'm on edge.

 **Rusherone:** Exactly! How do I rein in my dick?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** If you figure that out, let me know. In my case, I think staying away from my buddy's boyfriend will help a lot. He's what usually sets me off. It's like he knows how to wind me up.

 **Rusherone:** I know what you mean. Maybe I should stay away from the hot guy at my work, too. That won't be easy, but I think as long as we aren't alone I should be okay.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah, try that. I'll do the same. Actually, would you be mad if I logged off? I need to check on someone.

 **Rusherone:** As long as it's not because I chased you away or anything.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No, I swear! It's the opposite, I can't wait to come home tomorrow night and do this again. If you want to.

 **Rusherone:** I definitely want to. Just not sure I should. But you're okay with what happened? You're not running away?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hell no. I feel more relaxed than I have since...I actually don't know if I've ever felt this relaxed.

 **Rusherone:** Mutual. I'm ready to sleep myself. Thanks for tonight.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You, too. Dream of me. ;)

 **Rusherone:** Who says I don't anyway? ;)

 _Rusherone has left the chat._

James sighed, a smile gracing his lips. He already missed Rush. Not even just for the sex, but because he felt less alone when talking to him.

He needed Logan.

After a visit to the bathroom, James put a call through on speaker while picking up his discarded clothing.

"How am I supposed to get rest when you keep calling?"

"I've called you once, relax."

"Liar, I ignored two phone calls before answering this one."

James paused with his shirt halfway over his head. "That wasn't me."

"It wasn't?" The sound of sheets rustling came through as Logan sat up. "Hang on." James was mostly dressed by the time Logan spoke again. "It was Kendall. He called twice just now. I assumed it was you and ignored it."

And wow, if that wasn't a slap in the face. Though he wanted to lash out, James fought hard to answer in a civil tone. "Well, I don't want to keep you. Call me if you need anything."

"You know I will. Get some sleep, okay?"

"Sure."

"Night, James."

James couldn't bring himself to reply. He disconnected the call and sank into the nearest chair, trying not to let feelings overwhelm him. The darkness was calling and once it sucked you in, there was little hope of escape.

* * *

Kendall shut down his laptop and walked naked into his bedroom, hoping that the reason Logan hadn't answered was because he was asleep. His own feelings were a jumbled mess and he just needed to hear Logan's voice.

King tumbled around in his brain as he laid down, and of course it was still Diamond he was picturing. Somehow that made it all feel wrong. _Was_ he doing anything wrong? Logan didn't want serious. At least not yet. Logan couldn't handle things moving too fast. And with King, things had moved at the speed of light. Almost before Kendall really knew what was happening. It had been the same with James earlier, in that auditorium. One second they were playing an innocent child's game, the next they were fucking each other through wordplay.

 _I need to stay away from him. He's dangerous. And it's just a game to him. He's probably laughing at the way I got wound up, thinking it's hilarious. Fuck you, Diamond. I have enough going on, I don't need your shit._

What he needed was Logan.

His phone rang, startling him. He reached for it with relief. "Hey, I'm sorry, did I wake you? I was just checking on you."

"I don't mind," Logan replied, and he sounded horrible. "I've been sleeping most of the day anyway."

"How are you feeling?"

"A little better. My temperature's almost back to normal and I'm not nauseous anymore."

"That's great. Did you get anything to eat?"

"Yeah, James made me soup. Not as good as mine, but it worked. I think sleep is the best medicine for something like this."

"Should I let you go?"

"Can we talk for a few minutes first?"

"Of course we can," Kendall smiled. "I missed you today."

"You hardly see me at work anyway."

"Still, I like knowing you're near. And I think having you at the meeting would've made it better."

"James told me you guys played Hangman?"

Kendall bit his lip. Just what _had_ James told him? Had it all been a ploy to get Kendall to do something that James could ruin him with? "It was better than paying attention."

"That's what James says, too," Logan laughed, then coughed for a few seconds. "Sorry."

"It's okay, don't be sorry. What else did James say?"

"That I could probably beat you at the game."

"Oh, did he now?" The competitor in Kendall reared its head. "He's a little shit, you know that?"

"I've known that from day one."

"But you keep him around."

"Yes, because he's _my_ little shit. And he brings me soup and crackers when I'm sick." Logan paused. "I know you don't understand it. Nobody does. But he's a good person on the inside."

"I know," Kendall admitted reluctantly. "I saw it today when he was worried about you. He cares so much for you, Logan."

"He does. And that's why I can't just...let go. It's a lot to accept, what James and I have. But I don't want you to ever think you aren't important to me. I wouldn't have gone out with you if you weren't."

Kendall grinned. "We still on for Saturday?"

"Of course we are. What do you want to do?"

"I'm not picky. I probably won't be up for anything too active after the game. Even though I'm not playing, it takes a lot of mental energy to coach."

"I'm sure. I'm good with something simple like dinner."

"Well, you did promise to cook for me."

"So I did. Any requests?"

"Anything you want. And hey, if you aren't feeling up to it by then, we can reschedule. You're worth the wait."

"That means a lot, Kendall. Thank you. I should be fine, though. I'm gonna try to make it to work tomorrow."

"Do I need to send James over there to tie you down? Because I think he'd side with me on this and say take the day off."

"God, it was bad enough when I had one of you on my ass. Now I have deal with two of you?"

"Be careful what you wish for, cutie."

"Cutie? That's new."

"It fits. Seriously, though, I think you should just stay home and rest."

"We'll see. Thanks for calling."

"I was worried. Today's been...a really strange day."

"Yeah, it has. See you tomorrow?"

"Not if you stay home. Which I'd rather."

"I'll see you tomorrow," Logan said firmly.

"So...can I get James' number?"

"What? Why would you need that?"

"So I can warn him that he needs to be there to tie you down in the morning."

"Kendall," Logan laughed. "Stop it. I'll be fine."

"You know that if you show up and you're still sick we're both going to force you back home."

There wasn't an answer right away. "You know...as annoying as you both are, I'm really glad you came into my life."

"So am I. Take care of yourself, okay? Promise me?"

"I promise. And even if I don't, you can rest assured that James will."

"Well, at least he's got that going for him."

"He's got a lot. See you tomorrow, Kendall."

"Goodnight."

Kendall settled back into bed, heart warm from the conversation. He'd come back to this place looking for purpose. He'd found that, and romance as well. In some way, he'd even found sex.

Was King lying in bed right now thinking of him? Was King hard and taking care of the problem right this second?

Without planning to, Kendall closed his eyes and imagined it. As always, it was James he saw. James staring back at him and begging to be touched, begging to be...what was it?

 _Bent over and fucked._

He hissed in a breath, hand going under the sheet to take care of himself again. It was ridiculous how easily he was turned on these days.

Maybe that was just part of growing up. Maybe that would pass.

As Kendall moaned softly from his own touch, he wondered if that would be a good or a bad thing.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

More thanks to you guys who are reading this. Annabellex2, I miss you and hope this is giving you something to do until you can get back. :)

* * *

Lucy opened the door to usher a student out, smiling at the girl in a gentle way Kendall hadn't witnessed before. "You got this," she promised. "Don't even worry about it."

"I'll try," the girl sighed.

"No, you'll do it because you're awesome and you know nobody's better at it than you."

A smile lit up the girl's face, her cheeks going red. "Thanks, Lucy."

"Come talk to me tomorrow."

"Okay. Bye!"

Kendall grinned at Lucy once the girl had turned a corner. "Wow, you do have a heart. I've seen her in the gym. She's shy."

"Yeah, we're working on that. Come on in, I had a feeling I'd be seeing you today."

"Why is that?" Kendall stepped inside and closed the door, then sank down into the chair that was beginning to feel like his even if many others used it.

"Because I figured you'd be lonely."

"I'm just glad Logan stayed home. He was really sick yesterday, I was afraid I'd have to bring in James to keep him home. That's actually why I'm here."

"Because of James?"

"Yeah. Eating lunch with just him is a bad idea, so I wondered if I could join you instead."

"You do realize James never came in today, right?"

Kendall blinked slowly. "He didn't?"

"Nope."

"Oh. Well he must be at Logan's then."

"And doesn't that bother you?"

"What?"

"The two of them spending the day together?"

Okay, that actually _did_ bother him even though he knew it shouldn't. "Well...whatever. I mean, knowing James, he needed to make sure Logan's okay, so it makes sense. And there's nothing to worry about anyway, James is straight. It's not like he's going to make a move on my territory."

"Which isn't really your territory, since you two are just...'letting it ride.'"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Admit it. It bothers you."

"Only because I just got off the phone with Logan and he didn't tell me James was there. Which is surprising since he knows that would've made me feel better. To know James is taking care of him."

"Look, it's not my business. But when your...casual date? Starts lying to you, there's more to the story. That's all I'm saying."

"You're ridiculous. I'm sure he just...didn't..."

"I'm waiting."

"You know what? Fine, I'll just take care of this now and show you it's nothing weird." Kendall whipped out his phone and put a call through to Logan. "He's going to be pissed if I wake him up again."

Lucy sat back in her chair and smirked.

"Hey you. What's up?"

Kendall smiled at the tired voice coming over the line. "Sorry to bother you again, but I just found out that James is sick too and I wanted to make sure he's okay. You two are taking care of each other, right?"

There was dead silence for long enough that Kendall started to wonder if Lucy was right and he should be worried about this. Then, "James isn't at school?"

"Uh, no. He didn't come in. He's not there?"

"No, of course not, I would've told you if he was. What the hell, how did he not tell me he was staying home? Did he say why? Is he sick?"

"I...assume so? I just thought he was there."

"No, he's...thanks for telling me. I'm gonna call him right now."

"Sure."

"Sorry, I don't mean to brush you off. But for James to not tell me that...and to not be here taking care of me when he worries so much about me...he must be really sick. I gotta go."

"It's totally okay. Call me later, let me know."

"I will. Thanks, Kendall."

"Bye."

Kendall hung up, wondering if he'd just made a weird situation worse.

"Well?"

"Logan had no idea."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"He sounded sincere. He's honestly worried about James."

"Okay, fine. I was wrong. It happens." She waited a few seconds to add more, seeing that Kendall was lost in thought. "You're not worried about James too, are you?"

"No, I just...it's weird."

"How?"

"Logan's right, it's very strange that James isn't over there with him. He'd kill for an excuse to take care of Logan. I wonder if he really is sick."

"Well, you're welcome to have lunch with me, but all I do is sit in my car and catch up on my phone."

"It's better than sitting with the gossip gang. I'll probably call Logan and check in, so you have to listen to that."

"Just don't make kissy noises. Meet me here at lunch."

"Thanks, Lucy."

"What are friends for?"

* * *

When three phone calls went unanswered, Logan could no longer keep in the panic. Something was _very_ wrong.

It pissed him off that he was sluggish, his body's weakness slowing him down in the process of getting dressed. He'd made it as far as one shoe on when James called back, and the relief left him even shakier. He didn't bother to hide the fear when his first words were, "Are you okay?!"

"What do you care?"

The scathing tone rocked his head back. "What are you talking about? Don't do this, I don't know what's wrong but don't do this. I just found out you stayed home and I called because I'm worried about you."

"Let me guess. Kendall told you."

"Yes, Kendall told me. James, I can't...don't..." Logan was close to tears of frustration, why did James have to act like he didn't care? Like _neither_ of them did? "Please talk to me. Are you sick? Did I get you sick?"

"No."

"Why didn't you call me? Or at least text and tell me that you were staying home?"

"I didn't think you'd care."

And there it was, the hint of fear in James' voice that what he was saying was true. James was barely holding on. "Why in the world would you think I don't care about you?"

"Because you made it clear last night. You would've ignored my calls but got excited about Kendall's. I guess I'm lucky you answered me at all."

"I was tired, James! I was trying to sleep!"

"Then why not ignore Kendall, too?" Now James was yelling, and while it made Logan cringe it was better than him crying or falling into that pit of despair. "You made me feel like shit, Logan. Like I'm nobody."

Logan closed his eyes, barely remembering the conversation from the night before; he'd been loopy from NyQuil and his brain was still trying to catch up. "I'm sorry. You know that's not the case. You're still number one."

"Am I? You wouldn't be ignoring me if I was."

"James, I..." Logan rubbed a hand over his forehead, praying for patience. This was a talk they'd been needing to have, and while he'd hoped it would be more civil when the time came, he supposed it was best to just get it over with. "I don't know how to explain it."

"Try. Please try. Because right now it just feels like you found someone way more exciting and I can't measure up and I'm...nobody."

"You're not nobody. Your friendship means everything to me, you know that."

"I thought I did."

"You _know_ that. But...look, I need...there are things you can't give me. And I'm not mad about it, I'd never try to change you. You're straight and I respect that and I love you the way you are. But one day you're going to start dating, and you'll understand. There are things we can't do for each other so we have to go looking elsewhere for it."

Silence on the line.

"James? Are you there?"

"Yeah." It was barely more than a whisper.

"I don't know if Kendall's the guy I'm meant to be with. Right now we're just trying this out, seeing if there's something there. But whether it's him or another guy, there is going to be someone one day who gives me those things you can't. That doesn't mean I won't want you in my life. It doesn't mean my feelings toward you will change. Can you understand that?"

"What if they do? One day I'm not gonna be number one anymore."

"What you don't realize is that one day _I'm_ not gonna be number one anymore, either. You can deny it all you want right now, but you'll find the girl who completes you and then it'll be all about her."

"No, that's—"

" _Yes._ You know I'm right. What about this girl you're talking to now? Is that going somewhere?"

"Sort of. She's practice."

"And you talk to her every night, right?"

"Almost."

"Then why is it so wrong for me to talk to Kendall?" Logan could just picture James pouting as he realized Logan had a point. "Nothing's going to change between us, James."

"It already has! You're inviting him to the movies with us! _Our_ movie date!"

"I'm trying to include you!"

"In what was already mine! He's the intruder here, not me! Don't make it sound like you're doing me a favor by inviting me to what was already mine."

"Okay, you're right. Maybe movie night wasn't the best way to get you two spending time together. I didn't think of your feelings when I invited him, I just...in a way I did, though, because I'm doing this all for you. I'm doing everything I can to go after what I want without losing you in the process. James, can't you feel it? Can't you see how terrified I am to lose you? We talked about this, I thought you understood."

"I did, I just...I get scared. And then last night when you said you were ignoring me but then got excited to talk to him..."

"I know. I'm sorry about that, there's really no way to make that better. But I mean...don't you get excited to talk to your girl?"

"Yeah, but...I don't ever make you feel like you don't matter, right?"

"No. I guess it's just that...with you, I know that if I ignore a few calls, you're not going anywhere. Maybe that's wrong, maybe it's me taking you for granted, but it means a lot to me to know that about you, that you're not going to leave me if I'm too tired to talk. Kendall...I'm still afraid to scare him away. So I'm more careful with him. Does that make sense?"

"I guess a little bit. It's not fair, though."

"I know. I'm sorry I ignored you. Tell me how I can make it up to you."

"Are you feeling better?"

"Obviously not since I stayed home. Which I texted you this morning. I should've known something was wrong when all I got back from you was 'ok.'"

"You should've."

"I went back to sleep. I am feeling somewhat better, actually. Just...needed a day to recover."

"You sound like shit."

"Thanks, James, you always know what to say to cheer me up."

"I think you need some cuddle time."

Logan hesitated, but finally replied, "I think I do, too."

"I'm bringing lunch with me."

"Nothing too heavy. Maybe just some chicken and rice, or a sandwich."

"I know how to take care of you. I learned from the best."

Logan let out a shaky breath. They were going to be okay. _For now._ "Come spend the day with me. Just you and me."

"Pick out a movie."

"I love you."

It was the first time Logan had said the words out loud, and he said them with the feelings he'd kept hidden for the better part of a year. James had said them many times, but never in the same manner. Logan had come to accept he never would.

"I love you, too."

Except that he did, and it was torture because Logan knew it would never go anywhere. Maybe in some weird way James did love him the way Logan wanted him to; would he have stuck around this long if he didn't? In the end it made no difference, though, because James wasn't gay and never would be. Logan needed a man who was.

"Bring your clothes for tomorrow. I want you to stay the night."

"Okay."

* * *

" _Hey! I hate to do this to you, but you did it first so I don't feel as bad. I'm not gonna be able to meet up tonight or tomorrow. Life's busy. Are we on for Saturday?_

 _King"_

Kendall stared down at the email, more disappointed than he would've thought possible. He hadn't realized just how much he'd come to look forward to his sessions with King. After last night, though, they were hard to forget. How to word this so that King wouldn't find him pathetic?

" _I understand about life. I'm actually not free Saturday, and I think you said Sundays are out for you, so...Monday? Can we for sure make plans to meet up then? That feels like so far away and I'm gonna be going insane in the meantime._

 _Rush"_

Okay, so that was a _little_ pathetic, but hopefully King wouldn't mind knowing he would be missed.

" _Damn, not until Monday? What am I supposed to do without you that long? I guess I'll just have to use my imagination at night instead. ;) Promise you'll do the same and think of me?_

 _King"_

" _Hell, I'm thinking about you right now. In my mind you're looking back over your shoulder at me and begging for me to touch you. What would you say to me?_

 _Rush"_

" _I need you. Right here against the wall, just fuck me until I come but then don't stop, keep fucking me so hard I scream."_

"Fuck," Kendall muttered under his breath, squirming in the passenger's seat. He was barely aware of Lucy's questioning stare until she spoke.

"Who are you talking to?"

"What? Nobody."

"Bullshit, you're about to split your zipper over there. Are you talking to Logan?"

Kendall's face turned beet red. "Nothing, it's no one, it's—"

"Give me your phone."

"No, Lucy, it's—"

"Don't make me take it from you."

"Lucy, it's not your business. Just back off!"

"Oh my god, it's that online guy, isn't it? The one you're 'just friends' with."

"Shut up, there is nothing—" He gasped when she snatched the phone from his hand and tried to read it while avoiding his attempts to get it back. "Lucy, knock it off! That's private!"

"Wooooooooow." She let Kendall have the phone back, having seen enough to get an idea of the email's theme. "There's no way in hell that's Mitchell. Damn, Knight!"

Kendall hid his face in his hands. "Please, Lucy, don't...oh my god."

"Dude, it's okay. You're allowed to talk dirty with someone."

"No, I shouldn't be, I'm dating Logan."

"Letting it ride. Totally different."

"Is it?" Kendall wanted to know, suddenly facing her and begging for an honest answer. "Tell me the truth. Is it wrong to be doing this with someone else when I'm dating Logan?"

"If you two have had the talk about being exclusive, then yes."

"We haven't. It still feels wrong."

"Yet you're still doing it."

"I can't stop. This guy is fire, he turns me on with just words. How is that even possible?"

"Chemistry, I guess. He says what you need to hear. You've never been fucked, right?" When Kendall attempted to hide his face again, Lucy grabbed at his hands to keep them away. "Stop being embarrassed to talk about sex. I'm just asking, this is all new for you, right?"

"Yes."

"It's okay to experiment and be curious. Right now you don't have any other options; it makes sense that you're exploring it this way."

"And it's not wrong?"

"Would Logan be hurt if he knew?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Well, trust your gut on that. But let me ask you one very important question first."

"What's that?"

" _Can_ you stop? With the online dude. Do you really want to end it?"

Kendall bit his lip. "No. I'm going insane just waiting until we can talk again."

"I think that says a lot. Logan can't give you what you want just yet, so you're finding it elsewhere. When are you seeing him again? Outside of work, I mean."

"Tomorrow night. Movies."

"Oh, right. Which I'm totally not invited to. Maybe try more than grandma kisses this time, see if he's receptive to it. If he isn't, maybe he's not what you need."

"But he's worth the wait."

"Doesn't mean you have to suffer while you're waiting. Not until he makes it clear he wants you and only you."

"Fine," Kendall sighed. "I'll see how tomorrow goes."

"Good. And in the meantime? Don't leave your dude hanging. Poor guy is probably afraid he went too far."

"Oh, shit!" Kendall looked at his phone again, wondering how to reply to that.

"Need my help composing a reply?" Lucy teased.

"Shut up. And no, you can't read it." Kendall went over the email again, trying not to let it overheat him as he pictured exactly what King had said. And fuck Diamond for being such a perfect stand-in. Those hazel eyes begging for him were enough to have him biting down a moan.

" _I'd continue that but I have to go back to work soon and I'd rather not do it with a raging boner. Trust me when I say that's an image that won't be leaving my mind anytime soon. I know we won't talk again until next week, but if you feel the need to email me, I'm here. I'll write back when I can. And I'll miss you more than you know._

 _Rush"_

" _I'll miss you, too. I hope if you see your guy that it goes well. Give me details! Have a great weekend. Think of me late at night. ;)_

 _King"_

" _I always do. Just so you know, I jerked off again when I went to bed last night. I couldn't stop thinking about you._

 _Rush"_

" _How are you so hot? Next time you do it, email me. Let me share that moment with you._

 _King"_

" _Will you do the same?_

 _Rush"_

"What's wrong?"

James looked up from his phone, having forgotten where he was for the moment. Logan's head was on his thigh, turned to look into his face. "What? Nothing, why?"

"Because you're fidgeting. Every time I get comfortable you shift your legs. Are you playing a game? I can put on a different movie if this one's boring."

"No! No, sorry, just replying to an email. I'm almost done, though."

"Good, because this is supposed to be our time. Even I'm ignoring work for once."

"Which I appreciate," James chuckled. He sent one last message to Rush.

" _Every time. Later, hot stuff. :P_

 _King"_

James slid his phone into a pocket before resting a hand on Logan's shoulder. As usual, his left hand moved up into Logan's hair. He watched the screen, but his mind kept drifting back to Rush. Just what would Rush do if James did look back at him and beg? The possibilities had him biting down hard on his lip while Logan rested peacefully under his hands.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I know I say it a lot, but I just really want to thank you guys for giving me a place to go when real life sucks. I think writing and posting keep me sane, and knowing that my words make people feel things just makes it all so much better. So if you've ever laughed, cried, been angry, or even just wanted to hug these characters (as I know some of you do) as you read my stories, thank you from the bottom of my heart. And special thanks to those who let me know that. :)

Next chapter we will finally get to Friday, which is movie date day. That kicks off a whirlwind of a weekend for all involved, so enjoy the calm before the storm now haha. And again, thanks for reading!

* * *

James figured it was probably a good idea to just ignore the ringing of Logan's phone; when he glanced down at the display, he _knew_ it was.

 _Kendall. You are the last person I need to be talking to right now._

Logan had gone in for a shower, leaving James happily eating a second helping of the ice cream he'd picked up on the way over. As before, his thoughts had turned to Rush, and since he was alone he'd let them flourish in his mind. Kendall's call had interrupted a fantastic daydream where Rush was bent over him and about to...

Well. Best not to think about that right now. Especially while Kendall was calling.

Because even though he didn't want to admit it, he knew Kendall was concerned for Logan's health, and knew that if their positions were reversed, he'd want Kendall to answer.

Sort of.

James finally sighed and set his bowl aside on the couch to pick up Logan's phone. He braced himself. "Hey."

"Hey, did I wake you?"

And damn if the concern in that voice wasn't genuine. "Nope, I'm just sitting here pigging out on ice cream. If it melts, I'm never speaking to you again."

"...James?"

"Yep. Our favorite nerd is in the shower. I'll have him call you when he gets out."

The response was slow to come. "Is he really better? I never know if he's telling me the truth."

"He does exaggerate when it comes to his health," James admitted. "Acts like he's fine when he's not."

"Exactly! So is he okay?"

"Yeah, he should be back to work tomorrow."

"Good. Great. So...the movie date is still on?"

James' stomach turned. "Yes."

"Cool. Um...I'm actually glad I have you alone for a second. Are you _sure_ there's no way Lucy can come?"

"No! I told you, it's not happening. Quit asking!"

"Okay! Sorry, she really wants to come along and—"

"Wait, _she_ wants to? It's not that you want her there?"

"Well...I mean, it would be a better balance. But she does want to come. I'm not sure why you don't like her, but she honestly wants to mend fences with you."

"Don't let her fool you. She has alterior motives."

" _Ul_ terior?"

"Shut up, you know what I mean. Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not, James, I just wanted to make sure I understood what you meant. God, why are you always so touchy? Why can we not just get along?"

 _Because I don't trust myself around you. One day I won't be able to control myself and I'll kiss my best friend's boyfriend and he'll never speak to me again._ "Because you're a dick."

"I'm a dick for wanting to make life easier for Logan?"

"You're a dick for being so...you."

"Oh thanks, that clears everything up."

"Whatever. I'll tell Logan you called."

"James, wait, don't..."

"What?" James was barely holding on to his annoyance. Kendall's voice was like sex on the phone.

"Are you feeling better?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I thought you stayed home because you were sick."

"Oh. Yeah. I'm fine."

"Good. I'm glad."

" _Are_ you?"

"Yes. I'm not the dick you think I am."

"You are around me."

"Maybe you should think about that. If you weren't such a dick yourself, I might be nicer."

"Don't do me any favors."

"Dammit, James, can you just be normal for a second? I thought maybe we were..."

James licked his lips, needing to hear the rest of that. "We were what?"

"I don't know. Yesterday I thought we were...you know. Doing better."

 _Yesterday._ Yesterday when Kendall had been tossing around different ways to fuck. Just the memory of it had James shifting to accommodate the beginnings of an erection. "That was..."

"What? It was what?"

 _Really fucking hot._ "Just...passing the time."

"Right, but we weren't fighting. We weren't even mad. I actually thought we were having fun."

"I certainly was. It's always fun to fuck with your head."

"Oh, like I wasn't doing the same to you?"

"Please, nothing you said had any effect on me."

"Really? Because you seemed to be enjoying it way more than you care to admit."

"It was a stupid game! Like the idea of fucking a dude up against a wall is supposed to be appealing to me?"

"Who said it was about a dude? I assumed you meant a chick."

 _Fuck._ "Of course I did. I'm just making a point."

"Look, just because you're straight and I'm not, that doesn't mean we can't both enjoy the idea of fucking."

"Why are we even talking about this?!"

"Because you're determined to hate me and can't even admit it when you enjoy my company! You like me, James! Stop fighting it! Can't you just be my friend?"

 _No. No, I can't, because when I see you all I can think about is begging you for sex and I blame Rush for that but I. Can't. Do. This._ "No."

"No? So that's it? You won't even try?"

"I'll be polite around him. That's all we agreed to, and that's all that needs to happen. Stop trying to make it more than it is."

"Fine. Fuck you, then!"

 _Oh god, please do it. Yes._ "Fuck you, too!"

Not trusting himself to say another word, James hung up the call and threw the phone down on the couch just as Logan cracked open the bathroom door. "Did you say something to me?"

 _Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck I need...I_ need. "Yeah, are you done? I need a shower."

"Sure, let me just grab my clothes." Logan barely got out of the way before being barreled into. "You okay?"

"Fine. Call Kendall."

"Oh. Did he call?"

"Yes. He's worried about you."

"Okay, thanks. Do you want your—"

The door slammed in Logan's face, and he sighed. Obviously the phone call with Kendall hadn't gone well.

* * *

Kendall was pacing his apartment when the phone rang, trying to work off the mixture of rage and need James always seemed to bring to life in him. How could someone be such a complete asshole but at the same time so hot? What was wrong with him that every time he talked to James, he ended up wanting to run into a room and jack off?

 _It's because of King. It's because you set this up in your head and it's like that dog that drools every time he hears a bell ring. You think of James and you drool because it reminds you of King. That's all it is._

He took a deep breath before answering the call from Logan. "Hey, cutie."

"Hi, gorgeous. I didn't expect to hear you sounding so calm."

"Why wouldn't I be calm?"

"Because James just went into the bathroom pissed off. I assumed your phone call was a disaster."

"It...could've gone better," Kendall admitted. "He's determined to hate me."

"Is he still being an asshole? I thought you guys were past that."

"Apparently only in your company. Which is fine, because that's what matters. We don't have to like each other, we just need to get along for your sake."

"I know, but that makes me sad. You're both great people and I wish he would show his heart once in awhile. Not just when we're alone."

"Maybe one day. For now, we just...only talk when we have to. It's no big deal."

"It is, because he's being immature. We talked things out again today and I thought he would do better."

"Give him time. He's afraid of losing you."

"I know, but that doesn't give him the right to treat you like shit."

"I can take it. He's not scaring me away, if that's what you're worried about."

"I admit, the thought had crossed my mind."

"Well, forget that thought, because I like you and I want to see where this goes. That asswipe isn't going to ruin that."

"Thank you. You have the patience of a saint."

"I don't give up on things I want, even when the obstacles are assholes that purposely try to piss me off."

"I'm sorry about him."

"Stop apologizing for his actions. I'm not a defenseless creature, I know how to fight back."

"He's so much more sensitive than he pretends to be."

"I know. He's like an animal backed into a corner, fighting for survival. Eventually he'll understand that I'm not out to hurt him."

"You're amazing, you know that? Most guys wouldn't be so understanding."

"You're worth the wait."

Kendall sensed that Logan was fighting to contain emotions and gave him time. What Logan finally said was, "I'm bringing you lunch tomorrow."

"Oh? So you're coming back?"

"I'm feeling a lot better."

"I believe that only because James vouched for you. And I can tell if he's lying about that."

"How?"

"Because when he's scared I hear it in his voice. He's not worried about you anymore, so I know you're fine. Or will be."

"I am. The cough will linger for days, and I might be a little weak tomorrow."

"You sure you want to do the movie date?"

"It's all I've been thinking about. Want to see a scary movie?"

"You like those?"

"It's an excuse to cuddle up with you."

Kendall grinned. "Scary movie it is."

"I should warn you, though, that if I sit in the middle James will be doing the same to me. He gets freaked out easily."

"That's actually adorable."

"Isn't it?" Logan laughed. "I'm telling you, he's like a big teddy bear deep down."

"Why doesn't he like to show that?"

"Pride, I guess. Fear of being judged. That show really messed him up and he constantly worries about what other people think."

"That's sad."

"I know."

"Okay, so...lunch tomorrow."

"I'll be there."

"Take care, cutie."

"You too, gorgeous."

"And uh...hey. Could you pass on a message for me?"

"For James?"

"Yeah. He pissed me off and I said some things, and...can you just tell him I'm sorry?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

"Thank you for being the mature one."

"It's a curse. Night."

"Goodnight, Kendall."

Logan was loading the dishwasher when James stepped into the kitchen. "You should be resting."

"I'm fine. Are you better?"

"Than what?"

"Than you were when you went into the shower. I know Kendall pissed you off."

James shrugged, reaching for a towel to dry some dishes Logan had washed and set aside. "What's new?"

"He asked me to tell you he's sorry."

James' movements slowed before picking back up again. "Okay."

"That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"He was rude."

"You were rude first."

"Is that what he said?"

"James...can we not do this anymore? I need you to grow up for me and treat him like a human being. He's not the enemy."

"Fine. I accept his apology."

"And?"

"And what?" James asked in frustration.

"And maybe you could apologize, too?"

"Ugh, you're making me feel like a bad person."

"You acted like one."

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"Do you actually mean it?"

James set down the towel and turned to Logan, his eyes a storm again. "I'm sorry that I keep upsetting you. It's not fair to you and I know that."

"Then why do you keep doing it?"

"Because what happens between me and Kendall isn't about you. You can't force me to like him."

Logan nodded. "That's fair."

"I'll get along with him for your sake. But I'm never going to just...be cool with him."

"He's trying, James. He wants to be your friend."

"No, he wants you to be happy."

"Is that so bad?"

"No, it's...it makes me hate him more because when he does that I can't hate him."

Logan offered up a small smile. "I think you _do_ like him. You just won't admit it to yourself."

"He's a dick."

"Right, so you understand him well."

James gasped at the insult, but in a way that ended in laughter. "Did you just call me a dick?"

"Maybe," Logan smirked. "Ever heard that saying 'takes one to know one'?"

"So you're calling yourself a dick now?"

"No, jerkface, I'm saying that's why you recognize it in Kendall. Don't turn this around on me."

"Whatever. He's not even worth thinking about."

The problem was that lately Kendall seemed to be _all_ James could think about. Whether in the form of himself or in his mind as Rush, Kendall had made a deep impression on James that was hard to shake.

 _I hate you._

The hardest part of it all was that James wanted him, too.

* * *

" _Are you awake?"_

Sadly, Kendall was. He'd been trying to sleep for an hour but his brain wouldn't shut off. He eagerly replied to King's email.

" _Yes! Are you free?"_

" _Sort of. I installed the chat program on my phone so I can do it without a laptop. I'm not alone, but I can chat in an innocent manner. :P"_

" _I'll take it. Putting it on your phone is so smart. Let me do that and I'll contact you when I'm done."_

" _Thank you. I'm going crazy inside my head tonight."_

Kendall quickly figured out how to access their chat program through an app, then signed in. He grinned when he saw that King was already there.

 **Rusherone:** Hey, sexy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hi there, hot stuff. How are you?

 **Rusherone:** It's been a long night. You?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Same.

 **Rusherone:** Where are you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

 **Rusherone:** Try me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** In bed with my buddy.

 **Rusherone:** NO WAY! YOU TOLD HIM?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Nope. It just happened, he was going to bed and I was going to bed and he said why don't I sleep in the room with him. So here I am. We had a great day together. Mostly.

 **Rusherone:** What's he doing now?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sleeping. I'm trying to sleep and can't.

 **Rusherone:** Is that torture? Are you having a hard time keeping your hands off him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He was cuddled up to me for awhile. It felt nice. I love cuddling with him.

 **Rusherone:** I think I'd like cuddling, too. I've never really done that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Dude, it's amazing. Maybe when you sleep over at your guy's house you can. ;)

 **Rusherone:** Except that he wants to take things slow, remember?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Cuddling isn't sex. You should try it anyway.

 **Rusherone:** We did actually talk about cuddling earlier. He said he might do it tomorrow on our date.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Nice! So tomorrow's the next date?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah. I'm excited about it. We never get time together outside of work.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm excited for you.

 **Rusherone:** I didn't get to see him at all today and it sucked.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well, make up for it tomorrow.

 **Rusherone:** I plan to. So how was your day?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Kind of a nightmare. Parts of it were good but I got into it with my buddy and we had another fight. This guy is killing our friendship.

 **Rusherone:** The hot guy he's seeing?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. And to make it worse, I can't stop thinking about him.

 **Rusherone:** The hot guy?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes. We talked today and he pissed me off but I still wanted him. How do I stop wanting him?

 **Rusherone:** I thought you'd decided to keep your distance.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's not that easy. He keeps coming into my life because he's dating my buddy, you know? I'm forced to spend time with him. I wish I could just hate him and be done with it. Instead we argue and I end up wanting him to fuck me.

 **Rusherone:** Still having that problem?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** YES! I blame you.

 **Rusherone:** Me? How is it my fault?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because I'm exploring sexual feelings with you and it's opening my eyes to things.

 **Rusherone:** Is that bad? Should we stop?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't want to. You're kind of the only thing keeping me from losing my mind lately.

 **Rusherone:** That's mutual. This is nice, though, right? Just talking? Without the sex?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It is. I hadn't thought of it but you're right.

 **Rusherone:** Tell me something personal about yourself.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No way. We agreed not to do that.

 **Rusherone:** I know, just something about your past maybe. Something I can't identify you with. Tell me about your family.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's just me and mom.

 **Rusherone:** It's the same for me, except I have a sister.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah, you mentioned that. I'm an only child. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have a brother or sister.

 **Rusherone:** It's pretty awesome. She's younger than me. Haven't seen them in awhile and I miss them a lot.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I haven't seen Mom in months. She used to come visit a lot when I first lived on my own, but now she's busy doing her own thing and we talk on the phone like once a week.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah, I call home when I can, too. They might come visit, Mom was asking when I'm free.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Did you ever tell them you're gay?

 **Rusherone:** Not yet. When they visit I'm going to.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** For sure?

 **Rusherone:** For sure. I'm terrified.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It'll be okay. Isn't there some rule about how family has to accept you no matter what?

 **Rusherone:** I wish. But they'll still love me. It'll just be weird until they get used to it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I still don't know what Mom's gonna say. Probably that I have to keep it a secret.

 **Rusherone:** Your own mom would tell you that?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's complicated. Mom worries about anything ruining my reputation.

 **Rusherone:** Ah. Which is why you worry about it, too.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I have to worry. Not everyone is accepting of it.

 **Rusherone:** I was actually thinking about you the other day. I think some of the people at my work suspect and I realized that it could kill my job. So I get the fear.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** They can't fire you for being gay, that's illegal.

 **Rusherone:** No, but they could find another reason and make it seem legit. I already know what excuse they would use. So I do understand why you're afraid to come out.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah, it can ruin everything.

 **Rusherone:** When are you planning to tell your buddy? Ever?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't know. Maybe one day years in the future when I've accomplished the things I want to do and he's happily married and we hardly keep in touch anymore. It makes me sad to think about that.

 **Rusherone:** I'm telling you, he's not just going to ditch you over some other guy. Real friends don't do that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't think he'll do it intentionally. He's made it clear so many times that he doesn't want to lose me.

 **Rusherone:** Then why don't you believe him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because I think he just doesn't realize how much things are going to change. They already have and it's only been a week. Less than a week! Everything's changing and I hate it.

 **Rusherone:** I'm not going to change. When things get more serious between me and my guy, I won't be doing the sex stuff with you, but I still expect us to be friends. You want that, don't you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes! The last thing I need is to lose someone else.

 **Rusherone:** You haven't lost anybody. I'm still here, and so is your buddy. You have to trust that he's not going anywhere.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's hard. Every day he falls more in love with the dude. Which I totally get, because the same thing's happening to me. I can't avoid him or I lose my buddy. But being around him is getting harder and harder. Literally. I have to spend time with him tomorrow and I don't know how to do that without wanting him. The only way I've been able to do it so far is to be a dick to him. I figure that's better than drooling over him, you know?

 **Rusherone:** I guess, but then you're driving your buddy away.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I know! I can't win!

 **Rusherone:** Can you get out of spending the time with him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** If I do, I piss off my buddy. And then it's me driving him away and I'm sabotaging myself.

 **Rusherone:** You're just gonna have to suffer through it. Maybe only talk to him when you have to.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's my plan. I'd rather them think I'm rude than know what's really on my mind.

 **Rusherone:** I think that's going to backfire on you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What else am I supposed to do?

 **Rusherone:** I don't know. Can you be nice to him and hide that you want him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Doubt it.

 **Rusherone:** Didn't you say something about performance arts when we first started talking? Do you act at all?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I do. I don't know if I'm good enough to pull that off.

 **Rusherone:** Try. Just try to be nice but at the same time keep your feelings from showing. It's the only way you're going to save your friendship.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What if he's nice back and I fall more in love?

 **Rusherone:** You told me before that losing your buddy isn't an option. So I don't think you have a choice.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Fine. You're right.

 **Rusherone:** Sometimes. ;)

"You still awake?"

James jolted, the phone almost dropping from his grip. How much of the conversation had Logan seen?

But when James glanced over, Logan was only just then turning over to face him. "Yeah, couldn't sleep. I'm sorry, am I bothering you?"

"No, I'm just worried. You've been quiet tonight."

"A lot on my mind."

Logan scooted in closer until he could slide an arm over James' stomach and lay his head on James' shoulder. "I know this isn't easy on you."

"I'm dealing with it."

After a moment, Logan asked, "Talking to your girl?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I won't—"

"No, don't..." James lowered one arm to keep Logan in place. "I was just saying goodnight. Hang on."

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hey, I gotta go. Cuddle time. :P

 **Rusherone:** I'm so jealous. Hang in there, sexy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Enjoy your date tomorrow, hot stuff.

 **Rusherone:** You'll be okay. I promise.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** If not, you'll be hearing from me.

 **Rusherone:** Anytime. Night.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Night.

Logan waited until James had set his phone aside and snuggled in to ask, "She's going on a date? With another guy?"

James froze. "Yeah."

"I thought you two were...you know."

"We ended up mostly being practice. She's new at dating like me, so I'm trying to give her advice. She's been there for me through my crap. I think it's becoming more of a friendship than anything else."

"Oh. But she calls you sexy."

"Yeah, well...we've had some nice sex talk."

Logan digested that. "So you're telling me that you're not actually going to date her?"

"I'm not." When Logan was quiet, James asked, "Why? Does the idea of me dating someone bother you?"

"No, of course not. That would make me a hypocrite."

"It would," James agreed. "And you're the one who said it was going to happen at some point anyway."

"Yeah. I just thought..."

"Thought what?"

"That it was already happening. You made it sound like you wanted to date her."

"I wouldn't say no if she asked me out. But we kind of agreed to not meet, so it's not even an option."

"I see."

Why did Logan sound annoyed? What right did he have to be bothered by any of this? "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's fine."

It wasn't, though, because Logan was tense. Hoping to ease that, James pressed a kiss to his hair and snuggled him closer. "We should've been doing this a year ago."

There was no answer from Logan. Assuming he was already falling into slumber, James closed his eyes and tried to block out the visions of Kendall that kept trying to crowd in.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Another chapter already because I have a day off! I feel bad that the movie date is only one chapter since you all were so excited about it. It's over before you know it. But it's not definitely not boring (at least I hope it's not!), so enjoy. :) Any feedback is appreciated.

* * *

Lunch began in a civilized manner. Logan had brought meals for all three of them, and after he escaped to heat up the food, Kendall was content to let his phone occupy him rather than try to make conversation with James; he knew how that would end up.

James smiled as he replied to a simple good morning email from Rush. That was new, they'd never done that before. He sent back a hello and a naughty thought just because he could, the words from Rush helping boost his confidence and remind him that he could do this.

"Did I miss something?"

Both James and Kendall looked up at Logan, who was setting down plates of steaming food. "What?" they asked in unison.

"You're both smiling so big right now. It's nice, I'm glad you guys are getting along."

James met Kendall's gaze, both of them blushing. In silent agreement they went along with it. "I'm not always a complete asshole," James pointed out.

Kendall nodded. "Yeah, sometimes he's just sort of an asshole."

James' lips twitched as he fought a grin.

"Well, whatever it is, I'm happy to see it. Here James, I know you like ketchup with that."

"Thanks, bud. You always know just what I need."

Phones were set aside, and James lost himself in the mac and cheese with steak they'd prepared together the night before. Kendall and Logan began discussing their day. James thought this might work, he could just focus on his food and not look at Kendall and hey, maybe that strategy would work tonight at the movies, too.

"Hey, guys! Is this an empty seat? Mind if I grab it?" Without waiting for an answer, Lucy set down a collapsible cooler on the table between Kendall and James before pulling out the chair. "Thanks!"

Three pairs of eyes stared back at her in shock. It was Kendall who found his voice first. "I thought you refused to come in here with us fuddy-duddies."

"Kendall, don't be so hard on yourself. There's still some cool left in you." She unzipped the bag and pulled out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "I'm sure you agree, right Logan?" After tipping him a wink, she stood again. "I left my water in the car. Kendall, can you spot me a few bucks?"

"I..." Resigning himself, Kendall reached for his wallet and passed over a bill. "I expect the change from that," he called out as she walked away.

James shook himself out of his stupor. "Unbelievable. You know how I feel about her and you still invited her in here."

"No, James, I swear, I had no idea she was coming!"

"How could you do this?"

"I didn't!"

"I can't even trust you to—"

Logan jumped in. "James, he didn't know. I saw his face, he was just as surprised as we were."

"Oh, of course you take his side."

"I'm not taking anyone's side, I just—"

"Save it." James stood up as Lucy returned to the table. Not even bothering to grab his food, he spun on his heel and headed out of the room.

"Dammit, James," Logan muttered. He started to stand but Lucy stopped him.

"I got this. It's my fault. Let me fix it."

"I don't know that you can. He really hates you."

"I'm going to change that. Don't eat my sandwich!"

They watched her jog out of the lounge. Kendall pinched the bridge of his nose. "Logan, I swear, I didn't—"

"I know. None of this is your fault."

"If I'd known, I would have asked her to stay away. I mean, I told her no about the movie when you guys said no."

"It's okay." Logan reached out under the table to squeeze Kendall's knee. "James will either be back or he won't. If he doesn't come back, I'll take him his food after lunch."

Kendall nodded. "It's really good."

"Thanks. My recipe, but James helped."

"So you really have no idea why he hates her so much?"

"She said something to him the day they met that really pissed him off. He never told me what."

"Well, she definitely knows how to push buttons."

"And James has a lot of buttons to push."

"True," Kendall laughed. "Ketchup, though? Really?"

"Sometimes he eats like a kid," Logan smirked. "He's so adorable."

"If I didn't agree with you, I might be a little jealous over comments like that."

Logan grinned. "You see it, though, right? How precious he is and why I was drawn to him?"

"Yeah. You saw the big teddy bear in him. The sad puppy. And you needed to hug it."

"That's...sort of accurate. But it's more than that. He really has been a great friend to me for the past year. The best friend I've ever had."

"Logan, you don't have to justify him to me. I get it. I'm glad you two have each other. He's—" Kendall stopped himself in mid-sentence, gaze following the subject of their discussion as he re-entered the lounge. "He's coming back."

Lucy followed in his wake, waiting until James had taken his seat to rejoin them. "Kendall, I told you not to eat my sandwich!"

"It's right there under the napkin!"

"Oh." A bright smile lit up her face. "Then we're good."

Once she'd taken a bite from her sandwich, apparently happy again, James braced himself and said, "Lucy's going to the movie with us tonight."

The only sound after that was Lucy eating. Kendall and Logan exchanged a bewildered glance.

"We talked," James added. "We're okay now."

Not ready to accept that so easily, Logan reminded him, "You don't have to go along with this, James. Whatever she threatened you with, you can—"

"I did no such thing," Lucy interrupted with a roll of her eyes. "We cleared the air. We understand each other now."

Still not convinced, Logan laid a hand on James' forearm. "Are you sure?"

James was sincere when he met Logan's gaze and nodded. "It's okay. I want her to come."

The shocking thing was that James meant it. Logan looked over at Kendall, who shrugged, before sharing, "Okay. Lucy, we're meeting at the theater at 7:30. Movie starts at 8."

"I'll get the info from Kendall. Hey, I was thinking of going to the hockey game tomorrow to cheer on the team. You know, give Kendall some extra support from the stands. You guys with me?"

James surprised them both by stating, "I _have_ missed the school hockey games. We went to a few last year and no offense, dude, but the team sucked so bad that we never went back. I expect a different outcome this time."

"Well...we're a work in progress. I'm a little nervous, actually. They seem to be doing better as a team, but I can't fix all the problems in a week."

"Anything is better than what they were under Teague."

Lucy nodded, speaking through a bite of sandwich. "As much as I love that man, I have to agree. So what do you think? Logan? Want to come cheer on your man with us?"

Looking as if he was somewhere in the Twilight Zone, Logan opened his mouth a few times and finally said, "Sure, if James wants to. I think it would be fun."

"It's a date then!" Lucy grinned. "We're not seeing some sappy romance movie tonight, are we?"

"No," Kendall answered. "Logan wanted horror."

"Logan does love his horror movies," James tossed out. "Which always seemed weird to me since they scare you so badly."

"They don't scare me. You're the one always having to hide your face. I just sit there and roll my eyes. Which you would know if you weren't so busy crying into my sleeve."

"I do not cry," James argued indignantly.

Logan teased, "Sorry, maybe whimper was a better term."

"Shut up!" James laughed, shoving Logan lightly.

"It's okay, James," Lucy smiled. "You can cry on my sleeve tonight."

They exchanged a look that baffled Logan and Kendall, then James nodded. "I might take you up on that."

Definitely in the Twilight Zone.

* * *

"Logan, come on, you look great!" James called toward the bathroom. "Stop messing with your hair, I styled it perfectly."

"Yet I'm the gay one," Logan muttered under his breath, fingers carding through the volume James had given him.

"I heard that! Seriously, we're gonna be late and miss the previews because we're stuck in line for snacks!"

"Alright, alright, I'm coming." Logan flipped off the bathroom light and stepped out in time to hear the response.

"That's what he said."

All he could manage was a shake of his head. "Where's my phone?"

"Right there on the table. You ready?"

"I guess. You sure I look okay?"

"Dude, it's just Kendall. You don't have to impress him."

"I know, I just...you know. It's basically our second date. With friends, but...you know?"

"I know," James grinned, dragging Logan in for a hug. "And I promise, he's going to eat you up." He nibbled at Logan's ear and whispered, "I know I would if I was your date."

Logan inhaled sharply before shoving James away. "That's not funny. Just because you're straight doesn't mean you get to tease me."

"I'm sorry. You really do look extremely fuckable, though."

Logan's gaze narrowed as he picked up his keys and turned back to look at James. "What's going on with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"We're about to go meet up with your mortal enemy, which I had to practically coerce you into, but you're in a fantastic mood and saying...weird things. Are you on drugs?"

"Oh my god," James groaned with a roll of his eyes. "No, I am not on drugs. Am I not allowed to be in a good mood? Why is it every time I am, you think something's wrong with me?"

"Because it's not like you. What did Lucy say to you today?"

"When?"

"You know when." James averted his eyes, and Logan pounced on that. "She did say something."

"Obviously, if I changed my mind about her coming."

"So what was it? What could she possibly say that made you suddenly want to be her friend?"

James' good mood was rapidly dissipating. "She just...I misunderstood what she said to me last year. She explained to me today what she meant and I felt bad for jumping to conclusions. Turns out she's not such a horrible person." He headed for the front door, but Logan blocked his path.

"So what did she say last year that upset you so badly?"

"It's not important."

"I think it is."

"Logan, it's nothing. I just blew it all up into something. You know I do that."

"I do, but..." Logan studied James more closely. "The fact that you won't tell me what she said makes me feel like you're hiding things from me."

"Dude, can we not do this right now? We're already running late."

"Are you interested in her?"

"What?!"

"In Lucy? Is that why you're in such a hurry to get there?"

"Are you aware that she's gay?"

"I was about to ask you the same question."

"Well, the answer is yes. I do know. I admit I didn't know that before today, but now I do and she's..."

"She's what?"

"Nothing. Can't we just go?"

Logan could see that James was feeling cornered, and it piqued his curiosity but also reminded him of what Kendall had said earlier about James lashing out like a wounded animal when cornered. "I'm not trying to cause a fight," Logan said softly, pressing a hand against James' chest. "But I've been completely upfront with you from day one. Even with the Kendall thing, which I knew was going to upset you, I was an open book. I expect the same thing from my best friend."

James looked as if he was about to cry. "I'm working on it."

"On what?"

"On...things. Facing things about myself that I've tried to run from."

"I'm here, okay? If you feel the need to run, head in this direction. I'm always here for you."

James nodded slowly. "We should go."

Before allowing James to pass, Logan stood on tiptoe to kiss James' cheek. "Thank you."

"For what?" James asked quietly.

"For tonight. For putting up with him because you love me."

There was something in James' eyes when their gazes clashed, something Logan had never seen before. It caused his heartbeat to falter and his breath to catch. He couldn't put his finger on what it was, but it was powerful.

"We should go," James whispered, and this time when he tried to pass, Logan allowed it.

* * *

They all met up near the snack bar, Lucy having driven Kendall after buying him dinner. When Logan started to move toward the line, Lucy placed a hand on his shoulder. "James and I can handle this, you two just go find seats. I'm assuming he knows what you want?"

When James didn't argue with her plan, Logan nodded. "He knows."

"Kendall?"

Silently thanking her with his eyes, as he knew this was part of Lucy's strategy to give him time alone with Logan, Kendall rattled off his order. "Here, let me—"

"It's cool, James is buying."

Again James said nothing to disagree, and Kendall shrugged. "Okay. Thanks, James."

"Just find us seats at least halfway back. I can't sit too close to the screen."

"I'll take care of it," Logan promised. He reached out for Kendall's hand as they headed toward the theaters.

Kendall spoke first. "James is...surprisingly agreeable to everything tonight."

"Yeah, he's definitely not himself. I'm a little concerned."

"Did he tell you what they talked about during lunch?"

"Nope. Just said something about how he misunderstood her last year and now he understands."

"Lucy won't tell me, either. She said it falls under the confidentiality thing. If she wasn't gay, I'd think she was into him."

"I know!" Logan exclaimed, pulling Kendall around a corner and into the theater. "I thought the same thing! But James swears it's not like that and he knows she's not straight. So...what the hell happened? I've never seen James be so..."

"Nice?"

"Not so much nice as trusting. It's like they're suddenly best friends and I don't know how to react."

"Oh, right there. Five seats in the middle. That okay?"

"Yeah, it's perfect."

Kendall waited until they were settled to say, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Are you jealous? Is that why this is so weird to you?"

Logan thought that over. "I don't think so? I admit it's weird to see James getting along so well with somebody else. I've never had to share him before."

"He said the same thing about you," Kendall pointed out. "And we _know_ he's jealous."

"Yeah, but it's different. It's like he's not himself. And I think he's hiding something from me."

"Like what?" Kendall frowned.

"I don't know. He acted strange right before he left, said something about how he's working on facing himself. I don't know what to think. This whole day has just been strange."

"Try this whole _week."_

"Yeah." Logan laid his head on Kendall's shoulder, enjoying the freedom to do that. When Kendall's face tilted down toward his, though, he pulled away.

"Oh. Am I not allowed to kiss you here?"

"I thought we agreed not in public."

" _I_ thought we agreed not with an audience. Which I assumed meant James."

"James will be here any second." When Kendall said nothing and instead looked away, Logan added, "It's not that I'm never going to kiss you in front of him."

"Are you sure? Because that's how it feels. I have a lot of patience, Logan, but if you can't even kiss me in front of your friends, that's something we need to talk about."

"It's complicated," Logan sighed.

"I don't think it is."

"I'm just not comfortable with kissing in public. It isn't about James."

"I see." Not sure how to feel about that, Kendall faced forward again.

Logan cuddled up to his arm. "Please don't be angry. We can talk about this later if you want."

Kendall let out a breath. "I'm not mad. I just...this is all new to me, you know? I don't know the rules of dating. In my mind, kissing in front of someone else isn't a bad thing. As long as you don't get too carried away."

"I don't know how to explain it."

Seeing James and Lucy enter the theater laden down with food and drinks, Kendall shook his head. "Don't worry about it." He waved their friends over.

"Did I just ruin this?"

After laying a hand over one of Logan's, which were still wrapped around his arm, Kendall kissed Logan's forehead. "You didn't ruin anything. I still can't wait to actually be alone with you."

"I can't either," Logan smiled. "Oh, I promised James he wouldn't have to sit next to you. Let's move over."

The other two took their seats so it was Kendall and Lucy on the ends, with Logan and James in the middle. It still confounded Logan that James would rather Lucy sit next to him than on Kendall's other side, but he had too much on his mind to worry about James at the moment.

James whispering through the previews was nothing new; James whispering to _someone else_ during the previews proved to be annoying. Lucy's quiet giggles set his teeth on edge, and by the time the feature presentation started, Logan wanted to smack James for...well, he wasn't really sure. All he knew was that James was pissing him off.

"Want some of my candy?" Kendall whispered.

Logan didn't really, but he held out his hand anyway. It was usually James who shared candy with him, as Logan never bought it for himself. He glanced to his left just in time to see James pass the box of Sour Patch Kids over to Lucy.

The gesture left him livid.

" _It's okay, James. You can cry on my sleeve tonight."_

"You okay?" Kendall leaned over to ask, probably sensing Logan's tension. He nodded before snuggling up against his date and trying to brush off whatever was happening inside his head.

 _You're jealous. You're still in love with him and you're jealous that he's paying attention to someone else._

Suddenly James' irrational fears of losing Logan didn't seem quite so irrational.

What set Logan's mind at ease was the feel of James grabbing onto his sleeve during a highly charged moment of the movie. Whatever was going on between James and Lucy, it was still Logan he reached for in times of fear.

Kendall suddenly clutched at his right arm, causing Logan to smile. James cuddled up to his left, Kendall at his right, and...

Yeah. Life could certainly be worse.

* * *

Halfway through the movie and James thought he was doing pretty well. Lucy's presence helped immensely, giving him the distraction he needed so that he wasn't glued to Kendall every second. Or...at all.

Sure, he'd snuck a few furtive glances in because Kendall looked freaking _hot_ tonight and it was impossible not to. James was only human.

The double whammy was watching Kendall snuggle up to Logan, because it was a slap-in-the-face reminder of _two_ things he wanted desperately but would never have.

 _Whatever. I'm just going to enjoy the movie like I always do. Kendall can just deal with it._

For that reason, James didn't hold back. He hid his face in Logan's shoulder the way he always did during scary movies, relieved when Logan didn't attempt to stop him. Logan didn't even pull his hand away when James clutched it in fear and left their fingers intertwined. That honestly surprised James, as he'd expected that would be something Logan wouldn't allow in front of a date. But if Logan didn't mind it, who was he to complain?

Three minutes into the hand holding, Logan began to caress the back of his hand with a thumb. That was new. Curious to see how far it would go, James flipped his hand over so that it was his palm being circled lightly instead. Amazing how such a simple touch could set his body on fire. It was like he was being teased and it was intoxicating. Was this what James should have been doing all along? Getting Logan out on a date so that he would...

Do what, exactly? Why would Logan wait until he had a date with him to make such a seductive move? Of course, James was exaggerating this. It was a thumb on his palm, not a suggestion of sex.

Except suddenly it was more. James couldn't have explained how such a simple gesture was sexual, but Logan's fingers began to slide through his, back and forth, and then James' index finger was encircled by a tight grip that...

 _Oh my god. He's pumping my finger like a cock. Jesus fucking Christ, Logan, I can only handle so much._

James bit his lip and looked down at their intertwined hands, freezing when he realized what he should have understood from the start.

Somehow he'd clutched Kendall's hand by mistake. They had both reached down for Logan's hands, which were settled over his kneecaps as he watched the movie with intense concentration; he had no idea what was happening mere inches above his lap.

Kendall's fingers resumed their movement, James feeling like he might explode from the sexual tension, and he watched Kendall glance to his left to gauge Logan's reaction. Kendall realized quickly enough that Logan wasn't reacting at _all_ , and looked down at their joined hands. His gaze moved up James' wrist to his arm and to his face before James could wipe away the desperate longing to be touched.

 _Oh, fuck me,_ James thought, in more ways than one. Their gazes clashed in the dark. James had to bite his lip again to keep a moan inside because just like a switch had been flipped, Kendall's face changed to that predatory hunger James had seen once before—the same hunger he always imagined on Rush's face. Kendall's grip tightened painfully, only making James hotter, and he shuddered.

As if on cue, a loud boom sounded in the theater, everyone jumping while half the viewers let out a scream. It was enough to break through their trance, both of them pulling their hands back as if scalded.

James was up and moving in two seconds, pushing his way past Lucy and the others in their row in a hurry to get away. He just needed to get _away._

Logan started to rise, concerned, but Lucy held out a hand. "I got it," she whispered. "Stay with Kendall."

He considered it briefly before shaking his head and standing anyway. Fuck Lucy, she didn't know what James needed.

"Let him go," Kendall urged, pulling him back down. "Please. Just...give him a few minutes."

"He's upset."

"He's okay. Let him get himself under control."

Though Logan fretted over the idea that his best friend was hurting, he caved and let Lucy handle it.

After all, she seemed to be taking his place quite nicely.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Not a lot to say about this chapter, but as always I thank you profusely for reading! :D

* * *

After saying their goodnights to Kendall and Lucy, Logan followed James into the lot and toward the car. James had come back into the theater a few minutes after Lucy ran out, and for the rest of the movie he'd seemed fine other than keeping his hands in the pocket of his jacket. Knowing that James sometimes got cold in movie theaters, Logan tried to tell himself that was all it was.

Deep down he knew better, though. Something had changed.

Logan turned on the car and buckled in, but didn't put it in gear. He needed to know they were okay. "So can we talk about whatever that was in there? Are you okay?"

"What...?" For a second it seemed as if James was going to play dumb. Instead he answered, "Oh, you mean me running to the bathroom?"

"Is that where you went?"

"Yeah. I uh...you know me. I ate my candy too fast again."

Watching James blush in the dim light from overhead lamps, Logan chuckled. "You _do_ do that."

"Those Sour Patch Kids get me every time. I don't know why I always go back to them."

"Well, you know the saying. First they're sour..."

"Then they're sweet," James laughed. "Yeah, it's usually the opposite for me. They're great at first but I eat them too fast and..."

"So you threw up?"

"Nah, not this time. False alarm."

"Okay. Good." Logan reached out to squeeze James' hand, noting that even though he allowed it, he didn't squeeze back and moved his own hand away the second Logan loosened his grip. They _weren't_ okay. Panic started to suffocate Logan. "Does that mean your stomach can't handle a stop at the ice cream shop on the way back to my place?"

James hesitated, and Logan knew what was coming. He braced himself.

"Actually, I was thinking you could drop me off at home tonight."

"But if we're going to the game together tomorrow, it makes sense that you just stay over again."

"I know, but...I mean, I only brought enough clothes for—"

"Since when has that ever stopped you?"

James still wouldn't look at him. "I just need to be alone right now."

Logan closed his eyes, feeling the rift between them widen. "Is it because of Kendall?"

 _Yes. He's driving me insane and I think he knows the truth about me and it scares the fuck out of me because he could ruin everything._ "No. I honestly just have some things to figure out."

"James, I'm here. Please talk to me."

"I will, Logan. When I'm ready."

"You've never hidden things from me before and it scares me. I don't want to lose you."

Now James slid his hand over to find Logan's across the console. Once their fingers were twined, he promised, "You're not going to. We agreed we'll always be best friends, right?"

"I don't know if we ever said those exact words."

"Then let's say them right now. No matter what happens with Kendall or...whoever I meet. Let's agree that we will always be best friends and nobody can come between that."

Logan swallowed over the lump in his throat. "Not even Lucy?"

James' head tilted in confusion as he stared at Logan. "Lucy?"

"You guys seem pretty close. I don't where it came from, you hated her eight hours ago, but suddenly you're BFF's and it—"

"Scares you? Makes you jealous because it's hard to share me?"

All Logan was capable of was a shrug.

"Hey. That's exactly how I feel about Kendall. Like he's going to replace me."

"He can't. A boyfriend will never be what you are to me."

James looked away.

"And what we have is better in a lot of ways, right?" _At least that's what I tell myself when I wish I could touch you._

After squeezing Logan's fingers, James pulled his loose. "I need to go home tonight."

Hyperventilation was fast approaching. "Just promise me you're not leaving me. Please, James, I need to hear it, just say the words."

A gentle hand came up to cup Logan's cheek. There it was again, that look James had given him just before they'd left his apartment earlier. It stole Logan's breath away. James' thumb moved across his lips, leaving Logan trembling as he leaned in close to whisper. "I will never leave you."

This was torture, even worse than the night James slept with him on the couch. James' lips had never been so close, his touch so gentle. Knowing that if he didn't back away now, he might ruin everything and kiss James, Logan forced himself to lean away. It was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but he didn't trust himself. At this rate he'd be attacking James the second they got in the door. "I think it's best you go home tonight."

James nodded slowly, a touch of sadness coming into that intense gaze. "I think so, too."

Without another word, Logan put the car in gear.

# #

Kendall was stepping out of the car when he felt his phone buzz against his hip. Probably Logan letting him know they made it back okay. He found it sweet that Logan did that sort of thing.

"I still can't believe you didn't kiss him," Lucy grumbled.

"Hey, I tried." He leaned in the open door. "I'm starting to think he's got feelings for James. Was he the guy you said Logan's into?"

Lucy made a zipping noise across her lips.

"You suck."

"I can't speak on what is only speculation."

"But you think I'm right."

"I think if you are, this is a colossal mess."

"Why do you sound happy about that? Does the misery of others bring you joy?"

"You really think I'm a horrible person, don't you?"

"Sometimes, Lucy. Sometimes."

She shrugged. "See you tomorrow?"

"I'll find you in the bleachers and give a wave."

"The team's gonna kick ass."

"I'll be satisfied with a lose as long as it isn't a total shutout. I just want my boys to get out there and believe they can do it, you know? To find that fire inside."

"It'll be fine," Lucy grinned. "Night! Thanks for letting me come along!"

"Thanks for trying to get me alone time. It was useless, but I appreciate that you tried."

"Let me know how tomorrow goes. The real date, I mean."

"Yeah, I think that's going to determine whether or not this is going somewhere."

"I'm a phone call away. Later, skater."

Kendall chuckled as he shut her car door. He hadn't heard that one in years.

It wasn't until he was inside the building that he let loose with a shudder he'd been holding in for the past hour, then sank down into a chair in the lobby to compose himself. He couldn't get that face out of his mind, those eyes that were so full of longing in the dark. He had no idea why Logan didn't see it, why _nobody_ seemed to see it, but it was there.

James Diamond was gay. Or at the very least curious.

He'd wondered a few times, because the boner had been a reality that day he'd teased James about it. Then there was the silent battle during the meeting, where they'd done nothing less than foreplay via a piece of paper. James had strutted out as if it had been nothing to him, just a way to pass the time and torture Kendall while doing it. Kendall had felt it, though; James was turned on by what they were doing.

And then tonight, they'd had that...what could he call it? A moment? Kendall wasn't sure why James had allowed him to do something so blatant in front of Logan; the why didn't matter, though. What did was the way he'd caught James staring at him.

 _The same way I imagine King staring at me when I'm about to fuck him. Impatient, desperate, begging. Like he'll die without it._

It was the hottest thing Kendall had ever seen.

 _Logan. Think of Logan. You can't have James, and King's not around tonight, so just calm the fuck down and think of Logan._

Kendall whipped out his phone to read the text he knew was waiting.

It wasn't a text, though. It was an email.

" _Please be here, I need you. I NEED you."_

Kendall's dick twitched violently, that shudder back. "Oh thank god," he whispered, then sent a reply.

" _Let me get upstairs to my apartment. Three minutes."_

An answer came back as Kendall was selecting his floor in the elevator. It was one word that set him on fire.

" _Hurry."_

He wouldn't even try to chase the vision of James from his mind this time; tonight it was just what he needed.

* * *

 **Rusherone:** I'm here.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm naked.

"Ah, fuck," Kendall breathed, already on edge.

 **Rusherone:** I will be in a minute. Want to talk about your day?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Nope. Just want to close my eyes and imagine you fucking me.

Kendall let out a whine.

 **Rusherone:** Okay, I'm ready.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Stroke it.

 **Rusherone:** Fast or slow? Tell me what you like.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I like both. Right now I'm so wound up I can't take it slow.

 **Rusherone:** Good, we're on the same page. Faster.

James complied, whimpering at the rush of sensations running through him. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, mind full of Kendall doing the same thing.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** close. Not gonna take long

 **Rusherone:** I'm between your knees. I'm sucking you deep into my mouth.

"Oh god!" James yelled, hand pumping faster. He could see it, _feel_ it.

 **Rusherone:** Can you feel it?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** yes YES

 **Rusherone:** me too come for me in me scream

That was all it took. Shudders of ecstasy ripped through James in waves. "Yeah yeah yeah yeah," he whined, finally falling back into the sofa weakly until he was able to type again.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Did you?

 **Rusherone:** close make me

How was this guy so HOT? James caught his breath and focused on the screen again.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm bent over the back of your couch. Waiting. Needing. Begging.

"Fuck yes," Kendall muttered, his hand doing half the job while his mind did the rest.

 **Rusherone:** more

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You bury yourself in me and I stand up, arched like a cat against you. I move your hand to my cock, and together we stroke it in time to your thrusts.

 **Rusherone:** yes more

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I beg you to fuck me harder and when you do, I scream so loud the walls shake.

Kendall gasped, seeing and hearing it so clearly in his mind that he couldn't fight the orgasm any longer. It was even more intense than the night before, leaving him panting.

 **Rusherone:** Fuck.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're telling me. My neighbors probably think I'm being murdered in here.

 **Rusherone:** I wish I could hear that. I'd give anything to hear you scream when you come.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm sure it's nothing compared to the way I'll scream when being fucked. ;)

 **Rusherone:** I hear that in my dreams.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You've dreamed of me?

 **Rusherone:** Sort of. It's kind of jumbled in my mind but last night I definitely dreamed about you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What was I doing?

 **Rusherone:** Running from me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Seriously? I'd never be stupid enough to do that.

 **Rusherone:** In the dream it was like I kept trying to catch up and I couldn't. I'd hear you screaming and know where you were, but when I got there you were gone.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That sounds horrible. Was I screaming because I was scared?

 **Rusherone:** Nope. It was the good kind of screaming.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Damn. For what it's worth, I wouldn't run from you in real life. If things were different, I mean.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah, I know. Anonymity really is for the best with us.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. It sucks, though.

 **Rusherone:** Really does. If I was there right now and we'd just had sex, what would you be doing?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Right now?

 **Rusherone:** Right now. We fuck, we recover...then what?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What would I actually do or what would I want to do?

 **Rusherone:** There's a difference?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** There might be. Depends on the vibe I was getting from you.

 **Rusherone:** My vibe is relaxed bliss. I'm totally satisfied and lying next to you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Truth?

 **Rusherone:** I demand nothing but from you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay. I'd turn over and cuddle up to you. Run my hand down your side, kiss your shoulder. Then your neck.

 **Rusherone:** I'd lift your face and kiss your lips for a long time. Not hungry, just...well, maybe a little hungry. But also just lazy and happy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That sounds amazing.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm sitting here imagining it and I've never wanted anything so badly in my life.

 **Rusherone:** Really? Nothing?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Nothing. I've never felt so much peace as I do right now, just imagining that in my head.

 **Rusherone:** It really is nice.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah.

 **Rusherone:** So do you want to talk about your night before we go?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. A lot of shit happened and I can't think about it right now. Don't shatter my peace.

 **Rusherone:** You got it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Do you need to talk? I'm always here to listen.

 **Rusherone:** I appreciate that but I don't want to think right now, either. There are some things I need to figure out and now is not the time. I'll deal with it tomorrow.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Same. So then...should we just lay here and cuddle?

 **Rusherone:** I'd like that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What if I stayed the night?

 **Rusherone:** I'd like that even more.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah.

James smiled, a feeling of warm affection rushing through him. It wasn't an ideal situation between them, but it made him happy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What if I told you there's a way you could hear me scream?

Kendall sat up fast, heart clamoring in his chest. Was King suggesting they meet in person? Would Kendall even want that?

 **Rusherone:** I'd say that's dangerous for both of us.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Even if we still hide our identities from each other?

 **Rusherone:** I'm listening...

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So...it would be a huge risk for both of us and require A LOT of trust. Which I'm not very good at. But I think if we both had something to lose, it would keep us from crossing the line.

 **Rusherone:** You mean like figuring out each others' identities?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. Because if I'm ever tempted, I know that the second I do, you'll know who I am and I can't allow that to happen. It puts me in too much danger with my career. So it would keep me from trying to find you.

 **Rusherone:** What's to stop me? I'm already out.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Totally?

 **Rusherone:** Well...no. Only a few people at work know and they're not going to tell anyone.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Right. So then we agree to remain anonymous. If I give you my phone number, you swear not to use it to try to find me.

 **Rusherone:** You want us to exchange numbers?!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What if we called each other during nights like tonight, but we didn't actually talk?

 **Rusherone:** I'm not following.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** The whole point is you want to hear me scream, right?

 **Rusherone:** I SO want that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So what if we had a call going but we didn't speak at all? We use this program for words, and the phone for...sounds.

Kendall licked his lips, knowing what a bad idea that was but also needing it to happen.

 **Rusherone:** I could hear you come.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Exactly. We could hear a lot of things.

 **Rusherone:** Oh god, I'm already hot again.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's a bad idea, right?

 **Rusherone:** Horrible.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I know. I shouldn't have said anything.

Rush's next message was a series of numbers. "Holy shit," James breathed. "Holy _shit!"_ He was tempted to call the number right now, just to hear Rush's voice, but then he recognized the area code.

Rush was way too close for comfort. Why had he assumed Rush was far away?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are you sure? I can close this window right now and pretend I never saw it.

 **Rusherone:** Do you want to?

James hesitated. He was taking a huge risk here. Could he really trust that Rush wouldn't figure out who he was?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Do you swear you won't try to find me?

 **Rusherone:** I swear. I won't do anything to jeopardize this. As pathetic as it sounds, I need you.

James needed him, too. After saying a silent prayer that he wasn't making the worst mistake of his life, he typed his phone number and sent it.

 **Rusherone:** Oh wow. We're in the same state.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yep. I had no idea.

 **Rusherone:** I didn't either. Well, it doesn't matter. We're far enough away that I won't run into you.

James kept quiet about the fact that he no longer lived in his area code and had in fact moved to the one Rush occupied; he was afraid it would scare Rush away, and that was something he wasn't willing to risk.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So then. Phone call Monday night?

 **Rusherone:** Sooner if we can manage it. I don't know how late I'll be out tomorrow night. But honestly...if things go the way I'm hoping, there won't be any phone calls at all.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Right. Because then you'll be official with your guy.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** We can still talk like this no matter what, right? We agreed on that?

 **Rusherone:** Of course. I'll always be your friend.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Thanks. I really need that. You're the only person in the world who knows all my secrets and loves me anyway.

 **Rusherone:** Others will love you, too. I promise.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Still not convinced. It's weird to have your number in my phone. It makes you real.

 **Rusherone:** I know how you feel. Should we say goodnight?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Do we have to stop cuddling if we do? This might be our last night to do that, you know.

 **Rusherone:** Go to bed and pretend I'm there. Feel my arms around you, keeping you safe.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** God, I want that. I want that so bad.

 **Rusherone:** Imagine we're laying there watching some stupid show and I lean over to kiss your lips and say goodnight.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I kiss you back and hug you because I never want to let you go.

 **Rusherone:** I whisper that I love you, and that no matter what happens in the real world, we will always have this moment and this place.

It was a moment he never wanted to leave. Tears filled James' eyes. Rush probably meant it in the same way Logan did, more of a friendship thing than feelings of romance. Still, it felt good to hear the words and as long as he was already pretending...

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I love you, too.

 **Rusherone:** Goodnight, King.

His heart was ripping apart.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Goodnight, Rush.

Neither said another word, but it was still a long time before the message came across.

 _Rusherone has left the chat._

Terrified he'd never hear from the man again, James dropped his phone onto the couch and blindly moved toward the bathroom.

Rob was a sadist for encouraging him to embrace feelings. This was a living hell.

And yet two hours later he had a third song completed in his notebook. Love really did inspire creativity.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

We've made it to Saturday! For those who were asking, the Kogan date will happen in the next chapter. This needed to happen first. I'll probably post the next one on Halloween. Thank you for reading and I love you guys for the feedback!

* * *

It was getting harder to hear his own voice as the rink filled up with fans. Though a larger audience was what the school wanted, Kendall knew many of the spectators were in attendance merely to see if he was capable of turning the team around. Coach Teague was here and that was a welcome sight, but how many of these people only wanted to see what he was made of? Pressure continued to close in and he had the passing thought that a hug from his mother would be a welcome comfort right about now.

So would one from King, and that wasn't something he was ready to think about just yet. He had a date with Logan tonight and would need to spend some time with his feelings before then, but for the moment hockey was all that mattered; his team had a game to win (or at least not completely blow).

And just like that, King was back on his mind. Really, this had to stop. He didn't even _know_ the guy.

Forcing himself to focus on the moment at hand, Kendall went through a quick last-minute pep talk with the team. He caught sight of Logan and James on the bleachers as he spoke, their heads bent together while talking, which threw off his train of thought. Suddenly Lucy was there as well; she dropped down next to James with a grin and hugged him against her side, then reached around him to squeeze Logan's shoulder in greeting.

Logan was not amused. Wasn't _that_ interesting?

It was too much to think about right now. He finished up his impromptu speech, then slapped hands with each of the players as he made his way down the line. When he reached the end, a smaller hand shot out for a slap and Kendall frowned, his own hand freezing in midair.

"Don't leave me hanging, bro!"

Shock coursed through Kendall as his eyes met the twinkling brown of his sister's. "Katie?!"

She threw herself into his arms with a laugh, Kendall feeling emotion well up in him at the sight of his mother grinning at him from behind her. "Surprise!" Mom exclaimed.

"Oh my god. Oh my god...Mom..." As soon as Katie let go, it was Kendall throwing himself into someone's arms. He fought off tears because life was just so hard on his own and he hadn't allowed himself to think about it. Being in his mother's arms again made him want to break down and confess all of his fears and confusion; instead, he pulled himself together with wet eyes. "What...? How?"

"You know we couldn't miss your first game, sweetheart!"

"I can't believe you guys are here!"

Katie rolled her eyes. "Duh. Just because you're a coach now, that doesn't mean we don't care about your games. Mom! I'm gonna get some nachos. Kill 'em, Kendall!"

He laughed, her fighting spirit a match to his own. They watched her jog away while Kendall commented, "I could swear she's grown."

"Honey, it's only been a few weeks."

"I know. It feels like years."

With an understanding smile, his mother hugged him again. "We'll talk after the game. You're free for lunch, right?"

"That sounds amazing. I can't believe you guys came out."

"Of course we did! We never miss a game. And honey, I know you don't have a lot of time so really quick there are two things I need to say. First, is that James Diamond in the stands?"

Kendall sighed, wondering why this guy commanded so much attention (and why _he_ couldn't stop looking at the man, either); he should've seen this coming from his mom. "Yes, he works for the school now."

"Do you know him? Can you introduce me?"

Her excitement made it impossible to deny her. "After the game."

"Okay! And I know this isn't the time to spring this on you but I don't want to put you in an awkward position for lunch. I invited someone."

Someone? With a sinking feeling, Kendall thought he knew what sort of "someone" that might be. "Mom..."

"I know, I know, but you're never going to get anywhere without a little help. You remember Violet from my office, right?"

Oh god. It _was_ what he'd feared. "Mom...no. Please, I don't have time to talk about this now but please don't. Tell her not to come, I can't...we'll talk later, I promise, but—"

"Kendall, she's perfect for you. Give her a chance before you decide against it, just sit with her for an hour and—"

"No, you don't understand, and I don't have time right now to explain. Please, Mom, just—"

"She's having lunch with us and I expect you to be pleasant to her. She's very pretty and I think you two will really hit it off. It's one hour, Kendall."

It was too much. _Everything_ was suddenly too much. He'd wanted to do this in private, wanted them to have a serious discussion when the time was right, but apparently he wasn't going to be afforded that. Kendall glanced around and behind, then pulled his mother away from the ice and into a short hallway. When she opened her mouth to continue her argument, he blurted quietly, "I'm gay."

Her lips froze in the shape of an "O". Kendall closed his eyes and braced himself for the shocked words that came after a long silence. "You're...what?"

"I'm sorry, Mom." He looked into her face. "I was going to tell you when I saw you again, and I know this isn't the right way to do it but you wouldn't back off. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me."

That was the right thing to say, because her shock was immediately overwritten by the need to make sure he knew he was still loved. "Honey no, of course not, I'd never hate you, I just...are you sure?"

"Positive. I've learned a lot about myself since the move and that...trust me. There's no question."

"Well. Okay." Still reeling, she nodded slowly as if trying to grasp the news. "We'll definitely talk about this later."

"Thank you. Now can you please tell Violet not to come? I know that's rude, but—"

"No, it's fine. I'll tell her you had plans. I should've run it by you first, but I know you and you would've said no even if you weren't..."

"Gay. It's okay, Mom. You can say it."

"Does everyone here know?"

"No. Only a few people. And...I'm seeing someone."

Her face morphed into excitement. "Kendall! Is he here right now?!"

"He is," Kendall chuckled. "I promise I'll introduce you after the game."

"Oh my god. This is...honey, I'm so proud of you!"

When she dragged him in for a hug, he asked, "Because I'm gay?"

"Because you're putting yourself out there and trying new things and...dating! My son is dating!"

"Hey! Coach! Ref wants to see you before the game!"

Kendall spun around, nodding at the team's captain. "I gotta go, Mom. Please don't tell Katie, I want to sit down with her later and talk it out. I don't know how she's gonna feel about this."

"She'll accept you, Kendall. You know she idolizes you."

"Hmm, not so sure about that," he laughed, thinking of all the pranks and fights that had passed between them over the years. "I promise. We'll talk over lunch."

"Invite your man!"

"I...okay. Fine. I have to go!"

"Love you!"

He couldn't resist one more hug. "I love you, too. I'm so glad you're here."

* * *

"Who's the chick talking to Kendall over there?"

James had been listening to something Logan was saying about the opposing team's uniforms, but the question from Lucy caught his attention. He followed her gaze to Kendall, who was smiling at a woman with warm auburn hair. "No idea." He nudged Logan and asked, "Who's that lady?"

Logan studied her before shrugging. Judging by her track suit, he guessed, "Maybe someone from the other team's camp. She looks athletic."

"Probably some mom that Kendall knew when he went here," Lucy suggested. "He seems like the kind of guy moms approve of."

Logan chuckled. "Mom's going to eat him alive when she meets him."

The comment didn't sit well with James. "Does she know you're seeing someone?"

"I haven't told her yet. You know how she is, she'll insist on meeting him and decide we have to get married and adopt babies and...I think that's a bit much to dump on Kendall after one date."

James nodded. "Maybe after tonight then."

"I need a hot dog," Lucy announced suddenly. "Did you guys eat yet?"

"We stopped for breakfast," Logan answered.

"Thanks for the invite, assholes. I'll be back."

She hopped down the bleachers and rushed off, Logan shaking his head. "She's...different."

"She's great."

"You still never told me how you two just magically became BFF's within thirty seconds."

"Yes I did, we talked things out and I apologized for misunderstanding her." James watched as Kendall pulled the redhead out of view, reminding himself to stop staring at his friend's boyfriend. This was going to be difficult, as hockey was where Kendall shone. It didn't matter that Kendall wasn't skating; his intensity and aggression had already peeked out while he watched the team warm up and gave some sort of encouraging speech to them. James shifted on the bench, then decided it would be smarter to take off his jacket and set it over his lap. How had he thought coming to a hockey game with Kendall in attendance was a good idea?

"Can we talk about last night?"

The question was put to him quietly but also in a rush, as if Logan was aware their time alone was short. He forced his brain back to the moment after settling the jacket across his legs. "What about it?"

"I feel like I'm losing you," Logan admitted. "You never turn down an invitation to stay the night."

 _Shit._ How to explain that he hadn't trusted himself to keep his hands off Logan without actually saying that? "I was...my head was in a weird place last night. I'm sorry."

"That's what I want to talk about. Something was...off. Different. Was it just me?"

"Well, I mean...I was with you and your date. Of course it's gonna be different."

"I don't mean that. You felt different. Something in the way you looked at me, I...it's hard to put into words."

 _Shit. SHIT._ He'd slipped, let his feelings show too much. Logan had seen how badly he wanted him, probably saw the kiss written all over his face. _Fuck._ "Logan...I don't think this is the place to talk about us."

"I don't think you _want_ to talk about us."

"Dude, I'm not putting you off, but this isn't the time. Lucy will be back any second and—"

"Oh, of course. Lucy."

James frowned. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Nothing."

"Oh hell no. You don't make some comment like that and then not explain it. What's wrong with Lucy?"

"How would I know? I don't even know her. _You_ don't even know her."

James turned slightly to face Logan. "So...hold on. I'm trying to understand this. You want me to hang out and be buddies with your boyfriend, and I'm just supposed to be happy about it."

"No, of course not, I just—"

"But I make a new friend and that's not okay."

"That's not what I'm saying."

"You don't have to say it. I _know_ you. You're pissed that I made a new friend."

"James, I am _not,_ you're allowed to—"

"Hi, excuse me?"

James froze at the sound of a voice next to him that didn't belong to Lucy. He'd been so caught up in the discussion with Logan that he hadn't noticed the red-headed woman take a seat. They both looked over at her, James seeing her face and knowing exactly what she wanted because he'd seen that expression many times since his stint on "National Pop Star." He forced a smile onto his face. "Hi."

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I saw you and was so surprised, I just had to come tell you how much I loved your performances on the show. I voted for you every week and I still think you should've won."

He was used to people wanting pictures or autographs. Used to people telling him he was "robbed" of the win (which always sounded ironic to him since it was Rob that kept him from getting that win). He appreciated the sentiment, but never knew if it was truly genuine or if they were just kissing his ass to get a picture with a famous person.

This woman, though...he saw it in her eyes. Heard it in her voice. She believed in him. It had been so long since someone besides Logan and Thomas had that the words went straight to his soul, soothing him so that he felt a moment's peace. "Thank you," he replied sincerely, surprised to feel his throat closing up with emotion. "That's...honestly the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Her smile was as warm as her eyes. "I'd heard you took up a job teaching but I had no idea it was here at the school my son went to!"

"Yeah, I...I'm not actually a teacher, I just help out in the arts department. More of an aide."

"Well, they're lucky to have you. I saw a lot of promise in you and I was disappointed that the judges didn't."

James' lips trembled with emotion. He was trying to come up with something to say that wouldn't come across too pathetically grateful when a young girl dropped down next to the woman and shoved a box of nachos into her hands. "Here, I got you some, too. And your drink's down there, don't kick it with your—oh god, are you James Diamond?"

And there it was, the judgment James was used to seeing on the faces of most who'd watched the show. It killed a bit of his high. "Hello," he said anyway, opting for politeness and the fake smile that got him through life. He held out a hand. "And you are?"

"Uh...Katie. Why are you here?"

"Katie!" the woman scolded. "He works at the school now." She shook the hand Katie had ignored. "I'm sorry, where are my manners? I'm Jennifer. I think you know my son? Kendall Knight?"

James' hand went numb in hers. He felt more than saw Logan's interest perk up. "Kendall? Y-yeah, we've met. This is..." He looked over at Logan, seeing fear and dread in the brown eyes he'd fallen in love with. Logan couldn't find the courage to speak.

Luckily it wasn't a problem for Lucy, who had arrived in time to hear the woman's introduction. From Logan's left, she leaned across him and James and reached out her hand. "Hi! Kendall's my buddy, it's so nice to meet you! Jennifer, was it?"

"Yes, hello. This is Katie, my daughter."

"I'm Lucy. Guidance counselor. Katie, when will I be seeing your smiling face in the halls of Lincoln High?"

"She'll be here next year," Jennifer offered.

"If I'm still here then, come see me. Oh, did you meet Logan?"

Feeling Logan's panic ratcheting up a notch, James squeezed his wrist in encouragement. "Logan teaches math."

"Uh...hi." He shyly held out a hand, Jennifer shaking it with a chuckle.

"I'm sure we'll be meeting plenty once Katie gets into your classroom. Math is her least favorite subject and she avoids it as much as she can."

"Mom!" Katie complained. "I don't even go here yet and you're setting me up to fail!"

"I'm just warning him that you'll do anything you can to get out of assignments and cause trouble in class. He deserves that!"

"Which means you'll end up in my office at some point whether you like it or not," Lucy grinned. "My door is always open."

James' attention was arrested by Kendall, who caught his eye before blushing and looking away. It was difficult to look at Kendall and not remember the way he'd been staring back the night before in the dark. James had purposely tried to put it out of his head, knowing it was a useless moment since Kendall was dating Logan (and he himself wasn't ready to come out anyway), but now when their eyes met his body remembered every sensation of those long, slim fingers caressing his.

 _Fuck, I've held hands with Logan a million times and it never did this. Why can't I forget two seconds of barely touching this asshole?_

He thought he knew why, though. It was all tangled up with Rush in his head. He'd hurried up to his apartment in a frenzy after Logan dropped him off, desperate to get off because he knew he wouldn't be able to relax until he did. Rush had been there for him, knowing exactly what he needed and not hesitating to give it. Between the highly-charged moments he shared with Rush and the...whatever it was that had happened with Kendall the night before, he was doomed to arousal every time he looked at Kendall now.

 _And I'm sitting between his boyfriend and his mother. This is so not a good idea._

He couldn't tear his gaze away, though, not for more than a minute at a time. Kendall was like a magnet dragging him closer, especially once the game started and he got that determined, hungry look on his face. It wasn't sexual, it was about winning, and yet...

 _It's about conquest. Kendall will not be satisfied until he gets what he wants. He'll claim what's his. He'll conquer it and own it and fuck I want that, I want someone to claim me and show me I'm his conquest. I want him to own me._

The jacket was the only thing saving him now. Logan was barely paying him any attention, his focus on the game and on the occasional questions from Lucy, who didn't know a lot about hockey. Katie was also glued to the game. James thought he felt Jennifer's gaze on him a few times, but decided it was his imagination since Kendall was so heavily on his mind.

During the second period she leaned over and asked, "Did you move here?"

"I'm sorry?" He'd been watching the action and missed most of what she said.

"After the show. Did you move here to St. Paul?"

"Oh. Yeah. I needed a new start."

"And did you find it here?"

Thinking of Logan and of the students who actually listened to his advice and improved their talents, James nodded with a smile. "I did. It's not the life I imagined for myself, but for now it works."

"Are there plans to make music of your own? Maybe return to the stage at some point?"

The question surprised him; he didn't think anyone cared about his future other than Logan and his own mother. "I...actually, yeah. I've been writing songs. Trying to...well, it sounds cliché, but trying to find myself. Live a little, you know?"

She nodded, eyes warm. "Sometimes you need that. We came out to see you during the Pop Star tour, you know. When you played downtown."

"You did?" James didn't think anyone but his mother was there to actually see him; Justin was what everyone cared about. "Did Kendall go, too?"

"No, he's not as big a fan of the show as I am. I dragged Katie with me. We had a lot of fun."

"That's awesome," James grinned. "And for what it's worth, thanks for voting for me."

"I still think you have what it takes."

James chewed on that, gaze following Kendall as he paced near the boards. "Can I ask you something then? And please give me an honest answer. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings."

"Well, if I can avoid that..."

"I know, but...please. The truth."

"Sure."

"Why do _you_ think I lost? What does Justin have that I don't?"

Jennifer seemed to think that over rather than just give a quick response. "If you're asking me, I don't think he does have anything you don't."

"Then why didn't I win?"

"Because most people don't see past your image and your appearance. They see a put-together, polished performer who nails every note and smiles for the camera."

James swallowed over the lump in his throat her words caused. "What did you see?"

"You really want to know?"

"Truth," he nodded.

"Okay. But you asked for it." She gathered her thoughts and said, "Every time you took that stage, I saw how badly you wanted to please people. You wanted to be accepted and loved and were terrified you wouldn't measure up. That you'd be a disappointment."

His breathing had gone shallow. "I knew I was good," he argued. "I never doubted it."

"But you also never put your heart out there, at least not where everyone could see it. You followed instructions. Did what you thought everyone wanted you to do. Tried to please them all. I don't think you ever took the time to figure out what _you_ wanted, though. You were too busy trying to be what everybody else wanted you to be. I think it's important in life to know what you want, to know what makes you truly happy. If you don't take the time to learn that, you'll never find peace. Do you enjoy performing?"

"Yes," James answered without hesitation. "I feel alive when I'm out there. I just...I don't know how to reach people. I think that's why I like this job so much, I feel like I'm making a difference. I'm inspiring people and helping them through music, and it's...I never had that on the show."

"Maybe you just weren't ready. Now you're here and living life and letting people get to know the real you, right?"

No, he wasn't doing that. Not the last part. Nobody knew the real him, except Rush. Logan knew some things, Lucy knew some things, but only Rush knew everything.

 _And he doesn't even know my name._

It was ironic when James thought about it. The man who accepted and loved his true self had never seen him. A man who couldn't judge him on appearance but thought he was amazing anyway.

"I'm...working on it. Letting people in."

"It's scary."

"Terrifying. My mom...she supports me and loves me but I don't feel like she really knows me. Or even that she wants to. Sometimes I just wish I could tell her everything I'm feeling. I don't think she'd want to hear it, though."

"Can I give you my number?"

"What?" James turned wide eyes to her.

"Everybody needs someone they can talk to without fear of being judged. I won't ask for your number, I know that's invasive. But will you take mine so that if you ever feel like you have nobody, you can call me?"

"You'd do that? You don't even know me."

"I have a good feeling about you," she grinned, nudging him with her shoulder. "Come on. Give me your phone."

James only hesitated for three seconds. Something about the woman drew him in and made him feel...

Safe. Accepted. Like he could tell her anything.

It was so opposite of the way his own mother made him feel that he didn't want to lose it.

She passed the phone back. "I'm under K for Knight."

 _Knight. Right._ This was Kendall's mother he was baring his soul to. What the hell was he thinking? James' eyes drifted back to the man, who was watching the puck fly with intense concentration.

"Can I ask _you_ something now?" Jennifer wanted to know.

"Um. Do I have to tell the truth?"

"I'd appreciate that," she chuckled. "Does Kendall seem happy here?"

"Uh..." Thinking Logan was a better person to answer that question, James glanced to his left but Logan's attention was on the game. "I've only known him for a short time," James answered honestly.

"I know, but...it's been extremely difficult for him to adjust, as you can imagine. You know his history, right?"

"Yeah," James nodded. "I used to watch the Iowa games. He was...I've never seen anyone like him on the ice."

"He was phenomenal," Jennifer agreed. "Which is why the accident hit him so hard. He thought his life was over."

Remembering how angry he'd been at Kendall for killing his career, James sighed; he'd been unfair to blame Kendall. "I'm sure it wasn't easy for him."

"I was worried he would never recover emotionally. Coaching, though...has it been good for him? He seems to have some of his fire back."

"He did tell me that he wished there was a way he could've saved the girl and still been able to skate. I know it's weighing heavy on him."

Jennifer nodded and leaned in closer. "Don't tell him, but I'm going to surprise him tomorrow. We have an appointment with a specialist to get him a prosthetic skate."

James' head shot over. "What? He's going to skate again?"

"Not like he did before, I'm sure. But we've discussed it and he feels like he can't coach properly from the sidelines. He wanted to pay half the price but...well, to be honest his salary isn't enough to make that happen for at least a year. Maybe two. And I don't want to see him suffer any longer than he has to."

James' brain was moving in a direction he didn't like. He watched Kendall studying the action, seeing something on his face he hadn't until this moment: Kendall missed hockey. It was more than just wishing he could play again, it was like a piece of his soul had been ripped from him.

"I'll pay half." The words were out before James could think them through.

"What?"

What the hell was he saying? "I'll pay the other half. Just...don't tell him."

"No, James, you don't have—"

"Money's not an issue for me. I can't even imagine what I would do if I lost my voice or the ability to act. I just...let me help."

There was something in the smile she favored James with that made him feel like she was seeing things even he couldn't. "It's a deal. But you don't want him to know?"

"No. He can't know."

"So you don't want to come with us tomorrow then?"

"I can't, I uh...Sundays are already spoken for."

"That's too bad, I was going to invite you to breakfast. There's a place nearby that Katie and I haven't tried yet."

James was touched. "Thanks. But..."

"It's okay. Maybe next time."

"For sure," he nodded. "I'll text you tomorrow for the amount of the skate."

She gave him that smile again, and James had to look away. He didn't like the way it made him feel.

* * *

The Lincoln Patriots didn't win the game, but it was close enough that Kendall was satisfied. The mood in the locker room was buoyant, Kendall proud of the way his boys had hustled. He knew that with just a little more practice in teamwork, a win would be theirs. He gave them a heartfelt speech about how much it meant to him that they'd welcomed him, and was boosted up by all the fistbumps and handshakes coming his way as the students filed out.

It wasn't playing for the Wild, but it would do. Quite nicely.

Kendall checked his phone to see that his mother had texted to let him know she and Katie would wait for him near the building's entrance. He was pleasantly surprised to find Logan in conversation with his sister while Lucy and James listened to something his mother was saying. He'd missed his family so much more than he realized.

"Oh, Kendall, there you are!" His mother rushed to him and hugged him tight. "I'm so proud of you, the team is going to be winning in no time!"

"I know!" he grinned. "Teague said the same thing. I can't believe how much they've improved in just a week. And they're all excited and fired up and...it's a great feeling."

"That's because of you, honey," Jennifer leaned in to say. "You inspire others to greatness."

Though Kendall rolled his eyes, he admitted, "Teague also said that."

"He's right. And listen, I invited your man to lunch with us but he can't make it."

"Yeah, I didn't have time to tell you that earlier. I'm sure he has a lot of schoolwork to catch up on."

"He didn't say why. Just so you know..." She looked back over her shoulder to where the others were still in conversation and spoke softly when she was sure she wouldn't be overheard. "I approve."

Kendall blinked a few times, gaze going to Logan and his heart lighter. "Really?"

"Really. We talked a lot. I think he's exactly what you need. What you _both_ need. That boy couldn't take his eyes off you for more than ten seconds at a time."

"Yeah?" The knowledge made Kendall stand up straighter with pride. "I can't always tell with him. He doesn't really speak his mind a lot."

"Sometimes you just know these things. Which is how it was for you when you met him, I'm sure. You just felt it, right? That he was special?"

"Yeah, I guess. There was something about him. Did he tell you we have a date tonight?"

"Oh. No. Dinner's out of the question then."

"I'm sorry, I made the plans before I knew you guys were coming."

"Kendall, don't apologize! Take that beautiful boy out and treat him to a nice dinner."

"Actually, he's gonna cook for me," Kendall grinned.

"Really? I wouldn't have expected him to know his way around a kitchen."

"Mom, you literally just met him. You can't have any expectations at all."

"That's not true, I feel like I know him after watching him on T.V. for six weeks. He's everything I imagined him to be."

"Watching him on..." Kendall's mind struggled to catch up with the words that made no sense. He followed his mother's gaze to the group a short distance away, realizing with horror she was smiling at...

"Oh. No. Mom, no. Oh my god, Mom...no. You don't think I'm dating James, do you?"

Her smile faltered as she gave him her attention again. "I..." She looked over at James before turning back to Kendall. "It's not James?"

"No! Oh god, Mom, no!" Feeling Lucy's eyes on them, Kendall brought his voice to a lower volume. "No," he reiterated firmly. "It's Logan. You did meet Logan, right?"

"Logan?" After a quick glance at him, she put a hand over her mouth. "Oh, honey. I just assumed...you're dating Logan? The math teacher?"

"Yes! Why would you assume I meant James? He's not even gay!"

She moved around and pulled Kendall with her so that his back was to the group. "Are you sure about that? Because he couldn't stop staring at you!" she hissed. "And the way he talked about you...Kendall, are you sure he doesn't have feelings for you?"

"I'm positive. He hates me!"

"Oh, honey, no. Trust me, he doesn't hate you. It's hard for him to express his true feelings, surely you've picked up on that."

"We don't talk much," Kendall admitted. "The only reason we talk at all is because he's Logan's best friend. If not for him, we'd happily ignore each other."

Jennifer studied Kendall shrewdly. "I don't believe that. I think there's more to him than you realize, Kendall. But okay, I guess I need to get to know Logan a little better. Ask him to join us for lunch."

"So you didn't talk to Logan at all?"

"Barely. I just assumed it was James and...Logan seems nice."

Kendall could tell his mother was trying for his sake, but he was disappointed that she hadn't hit it off with Logan. "He's great. You'll love him, Mom." A bit louder, he called out, "Logan!" before waving him over.

"Hi," Logan smiled, his cheeks heating up. "That was a great game. I can tell you've really been working with them."

"I have," Kendall nodded. "So uh...you met my mom."

"And your sister, yes. Hi again."

"Hi, Logan," Jennifer smiled. "I'm sorry we didn't talk more during the game."

"Oh, it's okay. I spent most of it explaining the calls and plays to Lucy anyway."

Kendall was momentarily distracted. "Did she enjoy it?"

"She loved it," Logan chuckled. "Called it a real man's sport or something ridiculous."

"Sounds like Lucy. So um...would you want to join us for lunch?"

"Today?"

"Yeah, we're going right now. I know you probably have a lot to do but—"

"I do, actually," Logan cringed. "I'm so sorry, but since I was here I didn't get to any of my schoolwork and tonight I won't have time because..." He hesitated, not sure how much Kendall's mother knew.

"It's okay," Kendall promised. "I understand. And she knows. About us."

"Oh." Logan's entire face turned red. "Okay."

Hoping to put him at ease, Jennifer pressed a brief hug on him. "We'll be down here for Kendall's games every weekend, so we'll find time to talk. It was really wonderful to meet you, Logan."

"You, too. Does uh...does Katie...?"

Kendall shook his head. "Not yet. That's...probably going to happen before our date tonight. Six, right?"

"Six is great."

"Okay, I'll see you then." Perhaps sensing that Kendall needed a moment alone with Logan, Jennifer wandered over to join the other three before Kendall spoke again. "I'm sorry about all this, if you feel bombarded. I didn't know they were coming."

"I think it's nice that they came to support you."

"It is, I just...this wasn't how I wanted to have the talk with my mom. But she was trying to set me up with a girl and I had to make it clear because she wasn't taking no for an answer."

"It's okay," Logan smiled. "She's sweet. And obviously doesn't mind that her son's gay."

"Yeah, she's amazing. I'm nervous about telling Katie, though."

"I think it'll be fine." Logan curled his fingers into Kendall's shirt. "See you tonight?"

Heat began to coil up into Kendall's belly. "Can't wait," he whispered. He was halfway to Logan's mouth when it disappeared, Logan putting distance between them.

"Later."

"Right." Kendall held in the frustrated sigh that wanted to escape. This was how it was going to be and he needed to be patient. But what if it never changed? Would Logan always be like this in public?

 _It doesn't matter. He's a private guy and I need to respect that. It's how he behaves when we're alone that matters. Tonight will be a good night._

Feeling an intense stare on him, Kendall's eyes met James' over Logan's shoulder. James looked away within seconds, but it had been there. For one brief instant, James hadn't been able to hide the longing.

The real question was, what exactly was it he longed for? He acted like being around Kendall was torture, yet his mother had insisted that James couldn't peel his eyes away. Was he purposely trying to mess with Kendall's head or was there something deeper he was hiding from not only Kendall, but the world?

Neither option was a good idea. As he'd told King only days before, it was best to keep his distance from the asswipe.

One more look like that from the beautiful face, and Kendall might snap.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

For those of you who celebrate it, Happy Halloween! Not much going on over here, so I thought I'd post a chapter. Hope you all have a fantastic night/morning/whatever time it is where you are!

* * *

Though Logan had offered to pick him up, Kendall hired a driver to take him to the quaint building Logan resided in. He was nervous as he searched for the right apartment, but for what reason he couldn't put his finger on. Maybe because he felt like tonight would be the determining factor in how their relationship would progress.

He liked Logan a lot; there was no question of that. He also found Logan attractive. He was discovering, though, that there was a certain something he needed in a boyfriend and so far, Logan had been holding back.

 _It's just because we've always been in public. Tonight will be different._

On his mother's advice, Kendall had picked up a couple of pies at the grocery store near his place. He'd asked what was good to bring along for dessert, and she shot down the idea of cake or ice cream. "You're a man now, you need something a little classier than children's party food." Kendall didn't see what was so wrong with cake and ice cream, but he took his mother's words to heart and knocked on the door bearing a cheesecake and a chocolate pie. It was as close as Kendall got to classy.

Logan greeted him with a bright grin, looking relaxed in a pair of black jeans and a gray sweater even though Kendall sensed nerves beneath the smile. "Hi, hot shot. Ooo, you really did bring dessert."

"I said I would," Kendall winked, and they laughed as Logan ushered him inside.

"I'll put those in the fridge. Uh...this is my living room. Obviously."

Not a thing seemed to be out of place, which didn't surprise Kendall; he'd sensed Logan was an organized, tidy person. A couch took up much of the room, facing a large television with a gaming console underneath. "Oh, you've got an Xbox."

"James plays that more than I do. I'm usually too busy grading papers or planning lessons."

Thirty seconds into the date and Logan was already talking about James. An uneasy feeling settled in Kendall's stomach. "I thought you did that in the dining room."

"Only when I'm alone. Come on in here, dinner's almost ready."

Kendall shrugged out of his light jacket, revealing the long-sleeved tee he'd chosen because it accented his eyes (or at least his mother said it did). Feeling that it would be wrong to toss it onto the pristine couch, Kendall hung his jacket over the back of a chair in the dining room. "It smells incredible."

"I went with a recipe my aunt makes for the holidays. Have you had Cornish game hens?"

"I actually have not," Kendall admitted. "I imagine it tastes like chicken?"

"Yes, but it's got a stronger flavor. And the sauce really brings it out. I know you like rice, so I figured I'd serve it over that."

"Sounds amazing," Kendall smiled. He watched as Logan set the pies on a shelf in the refrigerator, shoving a carton of chocolate milk out of the way to make room. "I wouldn't have pegged you as a chocolate milk man," he teased.

"What? Oh, no, that's..."

He didn't need to finish the thought; Kendall thought he knew exactly who the milk was for and wondered why it bothered him. He knew they were close. Knew that James spent a lot of time over here. He hadn't quite guessed that James practically lived here, though. Were there two toothbrushes in the bathroom? Did James have a drawer of his own in Logan's bedroom?

Was it _normal_ for two dudes to be this close? That was the problem, Kendall had no idea. He'd never been close to anyone except his family. Maybe he'd ask King later.

Logan cleared his throat and opened a cupboard. "Can I get you something to drink? Water or juice or...I think there might be some soda in there, too, if you'd rather that."

Because that's what James drank. Why did Kendall suddenly feel suffocated by James?

"I'm good with water."

"Sure."

Logan wouldn't look at him. It was as if it was their first date all over again, and Kendall had thought they were past this. They'd kissed, for Heaven's sake. Why was Logan acting like he was...

 _He's scared. He's still scared you're going to drop him._

"Hey," Kendall said softly.

"Yeah?" Logan replied without turning around. He was pouring water from a jug into a glass.

Kendall laid a land on his shoulder, not missing the way Logan's head bowed. He used the exposed skin as an opportunity, pressing his lips to the back of Logan's neck. Logan gasped, quickly setting down the jug and moving away.

Okay, maybe that was too much. Kendall tried a different approach, spinning Logan slowly until they were looking at each other. "It's good to see you. I missed you."

"You see me every day," Logan reminded him, but he was grinning shyly.

"Not like this." Kendall tilted Logan's chin up with a finger and leaned down until their lips met. Logan's mouth was as warm as he remembered, and at least Logan wasn't fighting him on this. Kendall pressed in a little harder, trapping Logan against the counter, and let his tongue gently run over soft lips. Though Logan shivered, he bent his head back to break the kiss. "I need to get the hens out of the oven."

"Sure."

Disappointed, Kendall reached around Logan's waist for the water before heading back toward the dining room. What had changed since their date? Logan was the one who'd kissed _him,_ right? Where was that bravery now?

"Can I help with anything?"

"No, you just sit at the table and let me do the work. It'll just be a minute."

Kendall watched Logan move around the kitchen with grace and familiarity, finding it adorable when Logan started humming with the movement. "Is that the theme song from the horror movie we saw last night?" he asked, amused.

"It actually is," Logan laughed. "I wouldn't have expected a scary movie to have such an upbeat theme."

"That's part of the creepiness. Kind of like how clowns are scarier when they smile and laugh."

"I can't argue that." He set down a plate of hot rolls next to a large bowl of salad. "Ranch or Italian?"

"I actually like—"

"Let me guess. Honey mustard."

Kendall's jaw dropped. "How did you know?"

For just a second the twinkle disappeared from Logan's eyes, then the moment passed. "Lucky guess. I have some of that, too."

"Great. Thanks."

Once everything was in place and Logan had grabbed a glass of lemonade, he joined Kendall across the table. "Hi."

"Hi, cutie."

The nickname did the trick, Logan blushing but seeming to relax. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me, too." Before Logan could look away, Kendall leaned across the table and grabbed for his hand. "Please don't be nervous. It's just me."

Logan inhaled a deep, bracing breath. "I really want this to work."

"I know. Let it happen, okay? Stop thinking so much about everything and just...feel."

"I'm trying." He licked his lips. "I know I talk about James a lot."

Kendall hadn't expected that Logan was aware of it. "You do," he agreed. "It makes me understand why this is so hard on him. He's here pretty much every day, isn't he?"

"Yeah," Logan admitted. "Not on Saturdays but...yeah. I know it's weird."

Kendall shrugged. "It works for you guys."

"I know, but...it's not gonna be like this forever. He's dating, I'm dating...we have to stop being each others' security blanket at some point, right?"

"I suppose. I'm jealous that you guys have that."

"Oh, there's nothing to be jealous of, we're not—"

"I know," Kendall assured Logan. "I meant even as friends. I don't have that."

Logan nodded, letting out a breathe before sliding his hand out of Kendall's so they could eat. "Looks like Lucy could be that for you."

"She's something," Kendall laughed. "She has a good heart."

"Well, James seems to really like her, so she can't be all bad."

"She's not bad at all." After dumping dressing on his salad, Kendall continued, "She has her moments, but she really does try to help people. I mean, she's out trying to distract James tonight because she knows how difficult this is on him. She doesn't have to do that."

Logan's chewing came to a halt. He swallowed and asked, "She's...out with James?"

"Yeah. He didn't tell you?"

"No. I wish he had."

"Why?"

"Because I was feeling guilty. I kept imagining him at home eating a bunch of candy and shooting up enemy soldiers on his favorite game."

"You're not responsible for his happiness, Logan."

"I know, it's just hard. If he was the one out dating while I sat at home, it would be tough on me."

"I thought you said he _is_ dating."

"Sort of. He's meeting people, getting up the courage to date. He found one girl he really likes a lot, but apparently it's not going anywhere. The point is I don't know why he didn't tell me about Lucy."

"Probably figured you had enough on your mind."

"Yeah." Three bites later he asked, "Do you know where they were going?"

"She said something about an arcade and miniature golf."

"Oh. That's...actually perfect for him."

"Do you golf?"

"Not real golf. He forces me out to Adventure Zone sometimes. He does love to whack a ball with a stick."

"It's fun," Kendall grinned. "I bet you beat him every time. Since it's 'just physics'."

Logan threw his head back and laughed. "You'd be surprised how often he bests me. I'm good with angles, but he really knows how to handle a stick."

Kendall chewed through his lip, the words slamming a vision hard into his brain. "Ow! Fuck!"

Logan glanced across in concern. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just...damn. Bit my lip. Sorry. Hate it when I do that."

"Is it bleeding?" Logan was already standing. "I can get you some—"

"No, it's fine. Sit. I'll just have to be careful chewing for the rest of the night." They needed to stop talking about James. Immediately. "So Mom liked you."

"Did she?" When Kendall nodded, Logan added, "I wasn't sure. We hardly talked. I'll be honest, the second I realized who she was, I was too nervous to speak. She spent most of the game talking to James."

And here they were again. Always James. Kendall grasped for patience. "Katie did say you were very quiet."

"I was just nervous. I talked to her a bit after the game. Did you um...you were going to have that talk with her?"

"I did," Kendall said slowly. "She said she didn't see it coming, but when she thought about it, it made sense."

"How so?"

"I guess because I never had girlfriends."

"But you never had boyfriends either."

"Still, she said it made sense. She's more mature at thirteen than most of my students."

Logan nodded. "I can see that. So it went well? She and your mom are fine with it?"

"Mom was shocked at first, but then she was excited about meeting the guy I was seeing," Kendall winked. "She really wants to get to know you better."

"I know, and I'm so sorry I can't spend time with you guys tomorrow. But the truth is that rather than do all the schoolwork I was supposed to do this afternoon, I spent the time cleaning this place and getting dinner planned out and...I just can't—"

"It's okay," Kendall assured him. "She understands. And so do I. Oh my god."

"What?"

"Holy crap, Logan. This stuff is delicious."

"Oh! It is, right? It never sounds good when you tell someone about it, but the tastes just explode in your mouth."

Kendall choked, the words again bringing visions to mind. This time it was himself kneeling between King's thighs while he _(James)_ did exactly what Logan had described.

 _Stop it. Stop it right fucking now, you're on a date and this is wrong. This is so wrong.  
_

"Are you okay?" Logan asked again.

"Fine," he managed, sucking down water until he could breathe again. He was just horny, that was all. Being around all these hot guys was winding him up and he had no outlet for it. "Really, though, the sauce and the rice...it's so good."

"I know! I was nervous about making it, but it turned out great. I made enough to bring leftovers for lunch Monday, if you're interested."

"Totally," Kendall nodded. "How hard is this to cook?"

"It's so easy. That's what I love about my aunt's cooking: the food always tastes like it was made in a gourmet restaurant but the recipes are incredibly easy. I think even James could—" Logan stopped himself, rubbing a hand over his face. "Wow. I just keep bringing him up, don't I?"

Seeing the misery Logan was trying to hide, Kendall took pity on him. "It's okay. I know he's a huge part of your life."

"I never realized how much. It shouldn't be this difficult to spend an evening with someone else and not bring him up every five seconds."

Kendall slid his hand across the table until their fingers were intertwined. "Maybe I just haven't distracted you enough."

Logan got the message; it was clear in the way his gaze heated up. A firm nod followed as he seemed to come to some sort of resolution in his mind. "How would you feel if we watched a movie together after dinner?"

Kendall smiled. "Do we get to cuddle?"

"What sort of date would this be without some cuddling on the sofa?"

 _Yes. Please, let me get some of this out of my system before I go insane._ "Suddenly I'm full."

Logan chuckled, squeezing Kendall's hand. "Finish your dinner. We've got all night."

The words were music to Kendall's ears.

* * *

Though Logan tried to argue against it, Kendall helped him clean up the mess from dinner and only when that was finished did he follow Logan's command to "go pick out a movie for us." Both agreed they were too full for dessert just yet, and Kendall smirked when he had the thought that pie would be a fantastic treat for after...

He didn't think it would be sex. Kendall wouldn't argue the idea if Logan brought it up, but sex felt like something Logan wasn't ready for and Kendall respected that. He'd told King that this guy was a keeper, someone worth the wait, and he'd meant it. Just because he was going crazy in the meantime due to out-of-control hormones, that didn't mean he was going to insist on sex during the second date. Kendall didn't even expect pants to come off (though again, he wouldn't argue the idea) because this was Logan and Logan took things slow. But as long as there was evidence that Logan was attracted to him and willing to take things further, Kendall thought he could hold out. All he really needed was confirmation of his desires being reciprocated. Maybe a little necking, possibly some grinding, and if Logan's hand came into the general vicinity of his crotch? Kendall would call that a successful date.

He might even bring up the conversation about exclusivity because as much as he didn't want to admit it, Lucy was right. King was right. Kendall was not one to be content with casual dating. What was it King had said?

" _If I take you out, it means I want to be with you and nobody else. And I'd want you to feel the same."_

He'd come to accept the same thing about himself over the past week. He wouldn't be happy with anything less.

The living room was suddenly plunged into semi-darkness that was relieved only by the light of the television; Kendall's heartbeat sped up.

 _Finally._

Logan settled in under his arm, snuggling up against his side. A blanket had appeared out of nowhere, kicking Kendall's pulse into an ever faster rhythm as Logan spread it over them.

"What did you decide on?"

"I found a scary movie," Kendall smirked. "I'm hoping to entice you into cuddling."

"I think we're already there."

Kendall grinned, shifting until he got his prosthetic into a more comfortable position. "You good?"

"Start the movie."

It was there in Logan's voice, a mixture of determination and anticipation. Logan definitely had more on his mind than a movie.

 _Fuck yes._

They spent the first twenty minutes paying attention to the story, Kendall occasionally making comments while Logan scoffed at the fact that so much of the premise was impossible.

"That's why it's just a movie," Kendall teased. "You're supposed to enjoy it and forget reality for a little bit."

"But how am I supposed to enjoy this when it doesn't follow logic?"

"Forget logic. Just...let it happen."

Kendall thought that was good advice in more ways than one. Logan seemed to agree, and when he tipped his face up toward Kendall's, Kendall met the kiss eagerly. He was relieved that Logan leaned into it and took that as an invitation to take it to the next level.

When his tongue begged entrance, though, Logan backed off. Instead he kissed Kendall's jaw, then his neck, and it should've been intoxicating. It should've been making Kendall so hard he struggled to control himself. The kisses were off, though. Something about them wasn't...

They were pecks. A press of lips and nothing more. Kind of like...

 _Grandma kisses._

The phrase dropped into his head and he shoved it away, mentally shushing both King and Lucy. These were not grandma kisses. Grandmas didn't kiss your neck before snuggling back up to you.

 _Patience, Kendall. Patience. He's trying. Maybe something traumatic happened to him, you don't know. Take it at his pace._

The problem was that Logan's pace was like a snail's compared to what Kendall needed. He just needed to calm the fuck down.

A few minutes later Kendall tried a different tactic. He let his fingers trail up and down Logan's arm, then his shoulder. He felt Logan tense against him and hoped it was a good thing. When he lightly caressed Logan's neck, he was rewarded with a shiver.

 _Okay. Okay, so he's feeling it. It's fine. It's gonna be fine. Let him make the moves at his own pace._

Logan never made the moves, though. Halfway through the movie, Kendall was actually struggling to stay awake after the long day of mental exhaustion brought on by the game, his coming out to his family, and the fear that this date was going to fail.

What the hell was he doing wrong?

 _Fuck it. This is either going to happen or it's not. Make the move._

Praying Logan wouldn't hate him for it, Kendall used his fingers in dark hair to pull Logan's head up and back. He went for it, invading Logan's mouth with his tongue and letting instinct guide him. Logan froze, but only for a few seconds. It wasn't long before he was engaging in the kiss, giving back what he was getting, and when Kendall awkwardly pushed him down onto his back, Logan went with it.

 _Yes. Fuck yes! This is what—_

"I'm sorry."

Kendall was shoved up and away, shocked more than disappointed. He'd thought Logan was into it. "What...? I thought..."

"It's not you." Logan stood up suddenly, eager to put distance between them. He reached down to shut off the television before switching on a lamp, looking as if he'd never hated himself more and was about to cry. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. I pushed you too far, this is my fault."

"No, it's..."

Kendall shrugged off the blanket and rose from the sofa, stepping close enough to lay a hand on Logan's arm. "It's what? Talk to me."

"I want this to work. I _need_ this to work. You're amazing, Kendall. You're the kind of guy every man dreams of."

"I don't know if I agree with that, but...what did I do wrong?"

"Nothing." Finally Logan met his gaze, sorrow staring out from deep brown eyes. "You're perfect."

"Far from it. I can't stop thinking about sex. It's becoming a problem."

"It's normal at our age. We're at the height of our sexual peak. Don't feel weird about it."

"Okay but then..." Kendall trailed off, at a loss.

"I know I'm giving you mixed signals. One second I want you, the next I'm pushing you away..."

"Yes!" Kendall exclaimed, relieved he wasn't crazy. "That's exactly how it feels and I don't know if it's because I'm coming on too strong or maybe not strong enough and—"

"You're perfect," Logan said again. "If I wasn't so screwed up, I'd be in that bedroom right now letting you bang me into the mattress."

"Oh holy fuck," Kendall whispered, having to bite down on a knuckle until the surge of lust passed. "Have you...?"

"Yes. I've had sex."

"Okay. Was it...did something traumatic happen?"

"No. I enjoyed it. I definitely want to experience it again."

"Okay." Kendall still didn't understand. "I'm sorry, I just..."

"I know." Logan scrubbed his face hard in both hands, then held out one of them. "Come sit with me in the dining room. Please. I don't want to lose you."

Still confused, Kendall reached out to take the offered hand. He allowed Logan to lead him into the kitchen, where Logan dragged out the cheesecake and a fork. "You want the chocolate?"

"Cheesecake's fine."

Logan pulled a second fork from a drawer, then lightly dropped all of it onto the dining room table and took a seat. Once the plastic cover was removed, he dipped a fork directly into the thick pie and shoved a bite into his mouth.

"You okay?"

"I will be. Cheesecake solves everything."

Kendall shrugged; chocolate usually did the trick for him, but he wasn't going to be picky right now. "What's going on? Are you attracted to me?"

"Very," Logan admitted. "I don't want you to think you're doing anything wrong."

"I am, though, or we'd be breaking your bed right now."

"I want you," Logan promised.

"Then what's stopping you? Something's holding you back, I feel it every time we kiss. I thought for a minute I'd broken past that but then you stopped me."

"I know. It's...complicated. And really pathetic."

Kendall blinked slowly as the answer dawned on him. "It's James."

Logan said nothing, instead taking another bite of cheesecake. Taking that as confirmation, Kendall did the same. Finally he asked, "If he wasn't straight, would it be him?"

"It doesn't matter. He's not gay."

Kendall wasn't completely convinced of that. "But if he was?"

"Kendall, you're not listening." There was an edge to Logan's voice. "He's not gay."

Another bite gave Kendall time to decide how to continue. "I don't think that matters."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you."

"No, you're not understanding me. Whether he is or isn't means nothing."

"Of course it does."

"No, Logan. What's important here is how it would affect your actions if he was."

"But he's not," Logan emphasized. "So it isn't even worth thinking about."

Kendall sat back in the chair, his fork resting in the pie tin. "You're in love with him."

"He's not gay."

"Logan...stop. I don't care if he is or isn't. What matters here is that you are in love with him and it's keeping you from pursuing a relationship of your own."

"No." Logan shook his head adamantly before scooping up a huge chunk of cheesecake. "I won't let it."

Well, there it was. The admittance of his feelings for James. Kendall wanted to smack himself for not seeing this sooner. Then again, hadn't he said something to Lucy just the night before about it? The thought had crossed his mind. "It already is," Kendall said softly. "You can't kiss me because you can't stop thinking about him."

"Fuck him!" Logan roared, throwing the fork down with a clatter before standing suddenly. "I'm sick of him keeping me from finding someone who makes me happy!" Kendall was up and embracing Logan in seconds, knowing what would come next. Sure enough, Logan dissolved into sobs in his arms. "I don't want to be alone."

"You're not alone," Kendall soothed. "I'm not going anywhere."

"He is, though. And he should, he deserves to find someone who makes him happy just like I do. I just..."

"I know. You wish it could be you."

"I wish I'd never talked to him that first day. I wish he'd just remained a heartless stuck-up asshole not worth my time."

"Is that how he was when he first came here?"

"Pretty much," Logan sniffled. "He's grown a lot. He has a heart now."

"I think a lot of that has to do with you. Without your influence, he'd be a dick all the time instead of just half the time."

As an attempt at humor it was weak, but a chuckle broke through a broken sob. "He takes such good care of me. I'm so scared that when he finds someone, he won't care about me anymore."

Kendall sighed deeply. Though James had never said the words, Kendall sensed that he was afraid of the exact same thing. "He's not going to forget you or leave you. I have a friend going through the same thing, you know. I'll tell you what I told him."

"What?"

"He obviously finds value in you if he's still here."

"It's because he has no one else."

"That's what my friend said, but he's wrong. I know he's wrong, because I know you and I know him and you're both amazing people. Incredible friends. James isn't going to give that up just because he starts dating."

"I know, but everything's going to change. I don't want to be left behind. I'm not going to let that happen. You really are the kind of guy I've dreamed of dating and I refuse to let him hold me back." Logan clutched at Kendall's shirt with both hands and lifted wet, pleading eyes. "Please don't give up on me. I just need a little time. I know it's a lot to ask, I come with so much baggage, but I think this can work. I just need practice."

Kendall brushed away tears with his thumbs. "I'll be honest. I don't know if I have the patience right now to be what you need. I like you, and I think I could definitely fall in love with you, but I feel like..."

Logan closed his eyes, not wanting to hear the rest and asking anyway. "Like what?"

"Like something's missing."

Brown eyes locked onto his. "That's my fault. You're right, I'm holding back. I was trying so hard to keep all of this inside and it's been killing me. But I'm ready to let it go. I just need someone to help me break the chain that keeps me tied to him."

Thinking back to James' comments about flirting with Logan to "mess" with him, Kendall's stomach turned over. "Does he know?"

"Know what?"

"That you're in love with him?"

"No. Please don't tell him. I don't want him to look at me differently."

"Okay," Kendall nodded. "But when he fucks with you, does things like whisper in your ear or tell you how gorgeous you are..."

"It's harmless in his mind. He doesn't realize what it does to me."

"What a dick. You need to tell him."

"No. No, Kendall, please, just...let me deal with this my way. Give me a chance. I feel better about it now that I actually admitted it and I think I can do this. Please, just don't give up on me."

"What are you asking?"

"One more date. Let's do this one more time with no secrets between us and if I still can't let go, you can walk away from me with my blessing. I won't hold it against you."

"I don't want to walk away, Logan. I meant what I said on our first date. What I said tonight. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be your friend as long as you need me to be."

Logan swallowed hard and licked his lips. "But as far as anything more...?"

"I don't know. It's a lot to think about."

"I understand that." Logan nodded, stepping back from Kendall. "I shouldn't pressure you."

"Can I have a little time? Maybe we can talk tomorrow?"

"Of course. I'm sorry this turned into such a disaster."

"You're not a disaster. You're going to make a wonderful boyfriend one day."

"Just not...for you."

"I didn't say that. I don't want to make any promises right now. Please, let me give it some thought tonight and figure out where my head is."

"Okay."

"Okay? This doesn't mean I'm never talking to you again or that I hate you. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Promise?"

Kendall couldn't help but smile at the fear behind that one word. It wasn't a laughing matter, but he found Logan's need for reassurance adorable. "Promise," he whispered, deciding to give their future a test run. He bent his head for a kiss. Logan pressed up into it, and Kendall could tell he was trying. Logan wanted so badly to find whatever it was that was missing between them. He let Kendall open his mouth and search for it, not fighting it when Kendall pulled him closer by a firm grip on the ass.

Logan's reaction told Kendall everything he needed to know.

* * *

Kendall declined a ride home. Logan didn't press him, knowing Kendall needed space to think. He shoved what was left of the cheesecake into the trash and then lasted all of three minutes before caving and calling James.

He needed to know that what Kendall said was true, that James would always want him around no matter what.

"Hello there, my favorite little nerd. Is your date over already?"

James was in a good mood. This could go either way. "Yeah. We're gonna see each other sometime during the week. Hopefully Monday."

"So it went well, then."

"It...was interesting. Where are you?"

"Home. Kicked Lucy's ass at miniature golf. She sucks."

"You didn't tell me you were going out with her." Logan knew by the silence on the other end that he'd said the wrong thing. "Not that it's a problem, you just...usually tell me things like that."

"Well, you were busy getting ready for your date. I didn't want to bother you."

"You know you're never a bother, James. Please tell me you know that."

"Lately I wasn't sure," James admitted. "I've behaved like an asshole since Kendall came into your life."

"I get why, though. You're afraid to lose me, right?"

"Do we have to talk about it?"

"Yes. We already have."

"Then why bring it up again?"

"Because I think it's important that we both say what's on our minds instead of acting like everything's fine. It's not fine, James. I'm worried that once you start dating seriously, you won't care about me anymore."

"Jesus Christ, Logan, how could you think that?"

"The same way you could think that about me. I know it's what you're afraid of." Again, James' silence spoke volumes. "So let me just say right now and make it crystal clear that you will always be my best friend and I will always make time for you."

"Even when I'm not number one?" James asked in a tiny voice. "We both know it's gonna happen, Logan."

"Even when _I'm_ not number one either. Will you do the same for me?"

"Of course." James was near tears and it broke Logan's heart, but it also reassured him that James took this just as seriously. "I'm trying to learn how to let go without...letting go. Which makes no sense."

"On the contrary, it makes perfect sense. It's what we both need to learn."

"You know I'll always love you, right?"

Logan closed his eyes against the sudden lurching of his heart and stomach. It was everything he wanted to hear, and yet it wasn't. "As long as you know the same. I love you, too."

Here it was again, that need to go to James now and touch him. To kiss him. To _belong_ to him. Logan was never going to get over James if he kept running to him. Maybe Kendall had the right idea about needing space to think. "Listen, on that note...I can't make it tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" James echoed. "But it's our Sunday. You said that was the one thing that wouldn't change."

"I know. It's just that I got no time at all today for schoolwork. With the game and then the date...I'm sorry. What if we just do dinner?"

"Sure," James finally answered. "What time?"

"I should be caught up by four. Meet me here then?"

"Okay."

"Thanks for understanding."

"Anytime. See you then."

"Okay. Goodnight, James."

"Night."

* * *

James set the phone down on the cushion next to him, his movements slow and deliberate in an attempt to keep his emotions from exploding outward. Logan could say a thousand times that he'd always be there and things weren't going to change, but they would. They were. It was happening.

Logan had _never_ broken a Sunday date. It might seem like a little thing, but James knew it was huge.

The walls started closing in on him. It was hard to breathe. He needed someone.

 _Rush._

Rush was out, though. Rush was on a date, probably fucking some lucky asshole's brains out, and if that wasn't the most unfair turn of events...

 _Happy place. Go to your happy place._

James leaned back against a cushion and closed his eyes, calling to mind the vision from the night before of Rush holding him close. Their naked bodies were pressed together under a blanket. Rush's fingers caressed his hair. Lips searched out his, teasing and soothing at the same time. James could feel them against his own, so soft but also gently demanding.

Claiming. Possessing. Owning.

The panic eased until he could breathe again. Rush would probably tell him Monday that they couldn't do the sex stuff anymore, and he'd live with it. Nothing could take this from him, though, and he was grateful Rush had given him the gift of peace to call upon when he needed it.

Now if there was only someone to get him through the day, because tomorrow would be hell until 4:00. And maybe even after, if he was forced to listen to Logan recount every detail of his perfect date with Kendall.

 _Kendall._

Just like that, he knew how to make it through the morning. Hoping he wasn't being too forward, James called up the number and sent a text through.

" _Hi it's James from today. My plans fell through, is that invitation to breakfast with you and Katie still open? If not it's okay. Let me know. It was great to meet you today!"_

It was an agonizing five minutes before she replied.

" _Of course, we'd love to have you! 9:00 at The Breakfast Spot on 7th St. Are you sure you don't want to come along to the prosthetic place?"_

Hell no. Kendall was still the last person he needed to be around.

" _Positive. Just give me the amount afterward. And tell me how he reacted to the news. See you at 9. Thanks!"_

" _You're welcome!"_

So what if it was Kendall's mom and sister? He didn't hold it against them that Kendall was so maddening.

Tempting.

Walking sex.

Probably relentless in bed, not letting up until he'd sent them both through a firewall of ecstasy.

 _Stop it. Stop it right now, he belongs to Logan._

And that just made him sad all over again.

Where was Rush when James needed him?

His phone chimed. _"Are you around? I really need to talk."_

The incoming email was like an answer to his prayers. James could have cried from relief.

" _I'm here. Talk to me."_


	20. Chapter 20

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Happy weekend! This chapter marks the end of Saturday, which was a long day for all of them. Sounds like you all are rooting for either Jagan or Kames at this point, but Logan and Kendall do want to make this work so...we'll see! This entire chapter is also just a King/Rush chat, so hopefully it's not too boring for that. They had a lot to talk about, though.

* * *

They agreed to meet up in the messaging program in five. Kendall used the time waiting for his laptop to boot up to change out of his date clothes and into comfortable sweats, too lazy to throw on a shirt.

It wasn't like anyone was going to see him.

 **Rusherone:** I'm ready.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are you naked?

Kendall laughed, grateful that this man always knew how to make that happen.

 **Rusherone:** Not this time. Wait, are you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Do I need to be? :P

 **Rusherone:** I honestly just need someone to talk to tonight.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Of course. I'm always here for that.

 **Rusherone:** Thank you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I didn't expect to see you tonight. Does that mean your date didn't go well?

 **Rusherone:** I don't know where to start. Today's been exhausting and confusing.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm in no hurry, so take your time.

 **Rusherone:** You really don't mind listening to me whine about my love life?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You do the same for me. And no, I don't mind at all. Please distract me.

 **Rusherone:** Okay. I guess I should start with my family. I came out to them today.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh my god! Was it okay? Did they accept you?

 **Rusherone:** Totally. My mom's the best. Even my sister was only a little freaked out. They both still love me and that's all I care about.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm so happy for you. I know you were worried about it.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah I mean I thought it would be okay, but you don't know for sure until you're in the moment.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Right. I'm proud of you. That's such a scary thing.

 **Rusherone:** Thanks. That was the good part of my day.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What's the bad?

Kendall leaned back into his sofa, settling the laptop over his thighs and wondering where to begin.

 **Rusherone:** Remember when you talked about kissing? What you expect in a kiss?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sort of. A lot of hands and grabbing and touching. But it doesn't always have to be that way. Tender kisses sound nice, too.

 **Rusherone:** Right, I get that. But I've come to realize that I want the same thing. I need that passion, that feeling of desperation in my partner because it's what I feel. I need to know my boyfriend wants me just as badly.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That makes sense. Does your guy not?

 **Rusherone:** My guy holds back a lot. I found out tonight there's a reason for that, and it's a lot to deal with because I'm afraid it's not going to change. What if he's always holding back?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Is he just shy? Did something bad happen in his past?

 **Rusherone:** No. I thought the same thing but it's nothing like that. He's aware of it, though. He brought it up himself tonight, which surprised me. You talked about grandma kisses?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I did. Are you still at that level with him?

 **Rusherone:** Kind of. Every time I tried to take it further, he avoided it. At one point he seemed into it but then he stopped me and explained why he is the way he is and asked me to give him time.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And because you're an awesome dude, you agreed to. Right?

 **Rusherone:** Actually...I'm not awesome. That's why I feel like a shitty person right now.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You dumped him?

 **Rusherone:** No. I told him I needed time to think. Which is why I'm here now, because all I could think about once I left was talking to you about all of this and getting your opinion. I don't know what to do.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You said before he's worth the wait.

 **Rusherone:** He is, as long as he's willing to change. He told me he wants it to work for us and wants one more date to prove it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay, so it sounds like he's trying.

 **Rusherone:** He definitely is.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Then what's the problem? If he's worth the wait, you wait.

 **Rusherone:** I don't know if I can.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Do you have a choice?

 **Rusherone:** No, but the problem here is that I don't know if I can physically stand this. My sex drive is out of control lately. What if I push him too far before he's ready?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You just have to restrain yourself and wait. Use me in the meantime. ;)

 **Rusherone:** I can't do that if we're committed to each other.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Ah. So that happened, then.

 **Rusherone:** No, it didn't. I need to decide if that's what I want.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I thought you did.

 **Rusherone:** I do, but I think I need more.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What do you mean?

 **Rusherone:** I'm not explaining myself well. My head's all over the place. Okay, let me figure out how to put this into words.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Take your time.

 **Rusherone:** I've never been with anyone before, you know? Never dated before him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Right.

 **Rusherone:** So I'm learning as I go.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sure, makes sense.

 **Rusherone:** I didn't think about sex much before, or dating. So I didn't have any expectations going into this.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And now you do?

 **Rusherone:** I need passion. I need fire. I don't know how else to explain it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** If it's any consolation, you're explaining it well enough that my dick is paying attention.

Kendall laughed again, relieved that he wasn't alone in his idea of what a relationship should be.

 **Rusherone:** So you understand. Grandma kisses aren't gonna do it for me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I totally understand. Not that I've ever kissed anyone, but when I do, I want the fire and the passion, too.

 **Rusherone:** So here's my problem. What if it doesn't exist?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I guess you find someone else. Or wait for him to get there.

 **Rusherone:** No, I mean what if it doesn't exist AT ALL? What if my idea of what it should be is just a myth? And I give up this amazing guy who is kind and gorgeous and funny and smart only to never find what I'm looking for and realize too late I should've held on to him while I had the chance? What if it just doesn't exist?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Then I'm going to be extremely disappointed in life.

 **Rusherone:** Right? I know what I want. There's another guy who makes me feel it every time we look at each other.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Not the asswipe. Are you still into him?

 **Rusherone:** I can't help it! I see things in his eyes that make me want...THINGS. So many things. It's getting harder to ignore him and I'm starting to think he might be a closet gay and what if I can't control myself? What if one day I'm out with my guy and he's there and I just snap and shove him into a closet somewhere and take him down?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh god, that's hot.

 **Rusherone:** RIGHT? I'm so afraid of that happening. I want to stay with my guy and try to do the right thing. I do think he's worth the wait. But in the meantime I'm being tempted by this pretty asshole in tight jeans and I want to pound him through a fucking wall. Which is wrong, it's so unfair to my guy. It's like I'm cheating on him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's not cheating if you aren't a thing.

 **Rusherone:** But I have to make that decision. And once I do, then it's cheating. I won't even be able to have fun with you, I'll have to go back to doing everything alone in my room with just visions of him and you to keep me going. And that will also feel like I'm cheating!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hey, it's gonna be okay. Calm down.

 **Rusherone:** I can't! I don't know what to do!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Remember what we talked about last night? Laying in bed together after sex, cuddled up watching T.V.?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Go there now.

 **Rusherone:** What?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Close your eyes and go there now. Feel me next to you. Holding you and kissing you softly. Running a hand down your back. Nuzzling your neck.

 **Rusherone:** God, that's nice.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Right?

 **Rusherone:** I can see it so clearly.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Me, too. Does it help?

 **Rusherone:** Yes, but it also makes things worse because in my head you look like him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Like who?

 **Rusherone:** The asswipe.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are you shitting me?

 **Rusherone:** No. I'm sorry, I didn't plan that but from the start, I've pictured him when I think of you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So you think I'm pretty then? :P

 **Rusherone:** Apparently.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I am, you know. I've been told I should model.

 **Rusherone:** Somehow I knew you were hot.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Can I tell you a secret?

 **Rusherone:** Should I be scared?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Maybe. In my head, you look like my hot guy, too.

 **Rusherone:** Your buddy's boyfriend?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. It sucks because I see him and I think of you and that just makes me want him even more.

 **Rusherone:** Exactly! Why do we torture ourselves like this?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because all we think about is sex.

 **Rusherone:** Not true. Sometimes I think about other things with you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Like what?

 **Rusherone:** Like what you just said. Sharing a bed with you and just enjoying that. Sleeping with you. Actual sleep.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'd kill for that.

 **Rusherone:** Same. We need to talk about something else.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sure. As far as your guy, I think you need to give him a chance.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. He probably just isn't ready for sex and needs to be eased into it.

 **Rusherone:** He told me tonight he's had sex before. And liked it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What the fuck. Then why is he holding back?

 **Rusherone:** Because he's in love with the asswipe.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** WHAT?

 **Rusherone:** I had wondered before if there were feelings, but tonight he admitted it. The asswipe's straight, though. At least he claims to be. And the reason my guy wants to date me is to get over him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh no. No, that's a bad situation. You need to get out of there.

 **Rusherone:** But I like him. He likes me. This could work.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay, but do you really want to compete with this pretty boy constantly? That would make me feel inferior. Like I could never measure up.

 **Rusherone:** He says I'm perfect, that I'm everything he's ever wanted in a man.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** If that was true, he wouldn't still be hung up on the asswipe.

 **Rusherone:** I guess. But he's trying. He begged me tonight to give him another chance and I want to, but I'm also scared it's never going to change. But what if I walk away and he ends up being the best thing that could've happened to me?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I think you have to trust your gut. Go with your feelings. It's kind of a foreign concept to me but I've been learning a lot more about myself since I started doing that. I'm writing songs now, which I never did before.

 **Rusherone:** You write songs?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. It's really cool. It sucks that I have to be hurting or super emotional to be able to do it, but I feel better once it's done. The point is you have to accept your feelings instead of trying to shove them under a rug.

 **Rusherone:** What if my feelings lead me to fuck my boyfriend's best friend?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Then he's a very lucky man. :P

 **Rusherone:** Haha stop I'm serious!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay, here's the bottom line. Do you think your guy will ever be able to get over the asswipe? And if he does, will he be able to satisfy you physically as well as emotionally?

 **Rusherone:** I don't know. There's no way to know, and that's what I hate.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What is your gut telling you?

 **Rusherone:** That I should give him a chance.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay. There's your answer. What can it hurt to go on one more date? If you're not feeling it, let it go and look elsewhere.

 **Rusherone:** He said he wanted to try so I kissed him right before I left. Like REALLY kissed him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Tongue this time? ;)

 **Rusherone:** Yes, there was tongue. I even like...I don't know how to put it into words. I squeezed his ass and dragged him against me and that sounds so bad.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Doesn't sound bad to me.

 **Rusherone:** I just mean saying the actual words out loud sounds cheesy. So I did that as a test, you know? Figured if there was any fire there, and he actually let it happen, I'd know.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay?

 **Rusherone:** Nothing. I was hard. I was kissing him with everything in me. He was letting me do it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So what's the problem?

 **Rusherone:** He wasn't doing it back. Sure, he allowed it, but he wasn't hard. He was barely touching me. It was like he was going through the motions. I want someone who does more than that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Do you think it's just because he was emotional? Maybe he needs to psyche himself out a little bit first?

 **Rusherone:** He shouldn't have to! Shouldn't that sort of thing just be natural?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I guess. I've never experienced it so I don't know. But maybe next time he'll be ready. Is he worth one more chance?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Then give him that. Give him a chance to be with you now that he's cleared his conscience. I know that with my buddy, that would hold him back. The dude feels guilty over everything. Maybe your guy's the same way.

 **Rusherone:** I could see that, actually. Okay. One more date. But if I'm still not feeling it, I'm going to do us both a favor and call it quits.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sounds like a plan.

 **Rusherone:** I feel better that I at least have made a decision. Thank you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're very welcome.

 **Rusherone:** We've talked enough about me. How was your day?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Good and bad. Spent a lot of it trying not to drool over the boyfriend. But also had a talk with my buddy and he reassured me he's not going to forget me even when things get serious with the boyfriend. Which it seems to be doing really fast.

 **Rusherone:** How are you handling that?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Better. Not great, but better. The truth is I talked to him just before you showed up tonight and I was going crazy, so thank you for the distraction.

 **Rusherone:** I'm glad I could help with my incessant whining. :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Stop, you're like my knight in shining armor, rescuing me from myself.

 **Rusherone:** A knight, huh?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Totally. Whisk me up onto your horse and ride away with me into the sunset.

 **Rusherone:** Somehow that came across as blatantly sexual. I can't even enjoy a romantic vision without turning it into sex.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Is that bad? ;)

 **Rusherone:** It will be once I officially have a boyfriend.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** But you don't right now, so...let's talk more about how I'll be riding your...horse. Will we be going bareback?

"Oh fuck," Kendall muttered. King had a way of doing this to him, flipping that switch in two seconds flat.

 **Rusherone:** I'm really going to miss this when it has to stop. You have such a way with words.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So it worked? You're in the mood?

 **Rusherone:** I am ALWAYS in the mood. And that's the problem.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Let's fix that then. Let me get rid of your pants.

 **Rusherone:** Jesus, you're so hot.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm horny. And lonely. And so willing to do anything you command me to.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." The sweats came off in a hurry, Kendall groaning at the freedom as his cock swung up begging for attention. King was right, this wasn't cheating. _Yet._

 **Rusherone:** You'd better be naked.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** All that's left are my boxers. Want to help me out with that?

 **Rusherone:** Sure. I'm just gonna slip my hand right inside there and...oh look what I found.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Fuck.

 **Rusherone:** You're so ready for me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You have no idea.

 **Rusherone:** Tell me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's out. Waiting. Begging. Touch me.

 **Rusherone:** You're warm in my hand. Heavy. Thick.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Your hand feels like fire.

 **Rusherone:** Imagine what my mouth will feel like.

"Jesus!" James called out, his breathing already stilted. He wondered if Rush was having the same problem. He gasped when he remembered that he had a way to find out.

Hoping this wasn't too much, James found the number in his phone and pressed the button for a call.

 _Please pick up please pick up please I need to hear you come._

The ringing stopped. There was silence on the other end before the sound of a sudden intake of air.

 _Holy shit holy shit holy shit_

 **Rusherone:** No words. We agreed on no words.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes fine I can hear you breathing and it's the hottest thing ever.

 **Rusherone:** I can hear you, too. Where's your hand?

James moved shaking fingers to grip himself the way he imagined Rush would. A soft moan escaped his lips.

 **Rusherone:** Holy fuck I just heard that. Do that again.

James stroked himself slowly a few times, shivering and groaning.

 **Rusherone:** Oh my god. I can hear the actual...we should've been doing this all along.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're so turned on. I can hear it in the way your breathing keeps changing. Tell me what you want. I'll do anything.

He was rewarded with a gasp that turned into a hum of pleasure.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're so fucking hot.

 **Rusherone:** I want you on your knees.

There was no hesitation. James slid the laptop onto his coffee table and placed the phone next to it, then slipped out of his boxers before kneeling in front of the two screens.

 **Rusherone:** Holy shit. You actually just got on your knees.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You told me to.

A shudder ripped through Kendall, finding an outlet in the form of a loud moan. James had to bite down hard on his lip to keep from speaking his feelings out loud.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's so hard not to talk.

 **Rusherone:** I know. Just focus on my breathing.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're real. You're actually real.

 **Rusherone:** Crazy, right?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** This is insane.

 **Rusherone:** Want to stop?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Fuck no. I'm going to listen to you come.

Another moan came through, sending shockwaves of lust through James.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I can't take this slow. Not this time. I'm sorry.

 **Rusherone:** I'm not going to last either. Forget the keyboard right now. Close your eyes and go for it, we'll just listen to each other.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm already close.

 **Rusherone:** Me too. Close your eyes and feel me stroking you. HEAR me stroking you.

James let out a needy sound before following the command. He imagined it was Rush _(Kendall)_ touching him, and before long they were competing to be heard over each others' gasps and moans. Each sound drove the other higher and higher until a whisper came through the phone.

"Scream for me."

It was exactly what James imagined Kendall might sound like during sex, and it was too much. He exploded, not holding back and letting his whines of ecstasy break free with no filter. Rush followed close behind, the sound of his bliss coming through loud and clear so that James hummed in satisfaction before all that filled the room was heavy breathing from both ends.

 _Don't hang up don't hang up don't hang up just let me enjoy this for another minute._

Rush didn't hang up. There was nothing except more breathing until a softly whispered "thank you" came through the phone. It made James smile, as he knew exactly how Rush was feeling at the moment.

"It was definitely my pleasure," James whispered back with a grin. The beginnings of a laugh made his heart stop, and then the sound cut off.

Rush had disconnected the call.

 **Rusherone:** Sorry. I was afraid if I didn't hang up, I'd ruin this and start saying a bunch of shit you don't need to hear.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Maybe I do need to hear it.

 **Rusherone:** I think my feelings are a jumbled mess right now and I'm not thinking clearly.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Did I at least help for a little bit?

 **Rusherone:** You're fucking amazing. I wonder if we'd fall in love in person.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I honestly can't imagine it going any other way.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah. Still don't want to come out, right?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I can't.

 **Rusherone:** I understand. You're not ready.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I wish I could.

 **Rusherone:** I think if you did, it would change your entire life.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's what I'm afraid of.

 **Rusherone:** It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Tell me that after you do it at work and get fired.

 **Rusherone:** Touche.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I've never heard anyone actually say that in real life. You're so adorable.

 **Rusherone:** Not sexy?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh my god, if you have any doubts about that after what we just did, you're insane.

 **Rusherone:** I'm going to hear those screams in my dreams tonight.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Maybe this time you'll actually find me.

 **Rusherone:** I hope so.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So was it as incredible as you imagined it would be? Hearing me?

 **Rusherone:** I don't even have words for it. I'm going to be thinking about you all day tomorrow, I already know it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Don't make it sound like a bad thing. :P

 **Rusherone:** If I was going to be around the asswipe tomorrow, it would be. Thank god I finally get a day off from his stupid beautiful face.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So you're gonna try one more date with your guy?

 **Rusherone:** I think so. He deserves that. But the more I talk to you, the more I realize that if he can't give me this, it's not going to work. And that makes me feel shallow, like all I care about is sex. Am I a horrible person?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Of course not, people have needs. I"ve heard that some people just have a lower sex drive. People like us can't be satisfied without that in a relationship.

 **Rusherone:** And that doesn't make us monsters?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't know. Maybe. I'm the wrong person to ask since I've never been in a relationship.

 **Rusherone:** You will be. I promise, some guy is going to take one look at you and know that you're his dream come true. You'll probably feel it the second your eyes meet for the first time.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Can I tell you something that makes me ashamed?

 **Rusherone:** You can tell me anything.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** The first time I looked at my buddy's boyfriend, I felt that.

 **Rusherone:** Oh shit. Seriously?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. He walked into the room and I knew about him ahead of time, I'd heard he was starting that day. So it wasn't a big surprise. The way my whole body jolted when our eyes met, though...that was a surprise. I felt like I couldn't stop staring at him.

 **Rusherone:** What did you do?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I left. I fucking ran out of the room because it scared me. I'd never felt anything so powerful before.

 **Rusherone:** And now you feel guilty because he's your friend's boyfriend.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Exactly. Every time I look at him there's this...something. I'm sure it's only on my end, but I hate it and I wish it would stop because I can't have him and I never will. And it's wrong to even think of him that way.

 **Rusherone:** You can't help your feelings.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No, but like my buddy told me, I can help my actions. So I'm just going to try to do the right thing from now on and accept that my buddy loves him and that he makes my buddy happy. Nothing else matters, right?

 **Rusherone:** Your feelings matter.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** My feelings are wrong. I just wish I could find a guy who felt the same way about me that I feel about the hot guy. Or my buddy. Or even you! It sucks because you're real, but...

 **Rusherone:** But I'm not.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I wish you were.

 **Rusherone:** It wouldn't matter if I was. You're not ready to come out and I won't date in secret. That's another thing I've learned this past week. I don't want to hide my feelings in public.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You'd kiss me in public?

 **Rusherone:** I'd kiss you every second I could.

James suddenly wanted that. More than he'd ever wanted anything in his life. More even than...

 _Holy shit. I'm in love. I'm actually IN LOVE._

 **Rusherone:** I need to get some sleep.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sure. Thanks for tonight.

 **Rusherone:** Thank YOU. Not just for the sex, but for listening and giving me advice. For caring.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I know the sex stuff isn't going to continue, but I really hope the rest does. I need you.

 **Rusherone:** I'm here. :) Goodnight, pretty boy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Goodnight, my knight. I'll be thinking of you while I fall asleep.

 **Rusherone:** In our happy place?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's the only place I want to be.

Rush shocked him with a heart symbol. For the first time not feeling like he had to hide his, James did the same.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Shorter chapter this time, but it made sense to break where I did before starting the next section. Let me know what you think! And thanks so much for reading! :D

* * *

The scents that greeted James when he stepped into The Breakfast Spot made his mouth water. Had he even eaten dinner the night before?

Oh, right. Pizza with Lucy. Who as usual tried to convince him to come out until James threatened to leave her there alone on the golf course.

He knew she meant well, but why did no one understand that the admittance would rip his life apart before it even got started? Not to mention the effect it would have on Logan and the feelings of guilt he'd suffer because he wasn't capable of loving James back. Because of course Lucy kept riding him to admit that, too. It pissed James off royally that Lucy so easily read him when he'd worked hard to keep his feelings hidden. She'd known within the first three minutes of meeting him that he was gay, seeing through all of his denials and not letting it go until she was forced to when he stormed out of her office and slammed the door with a bang.

She didn't know that he was attracted to Kendall, though; at least _that_ was still a secret, and one he was determined would never come to light.

But James didn't want to think about Kendall today. Like Rush, he was taking a day off from the "stupid beautiful face" that took up far too many of his thoughts. He smiled when Jennifer called out to him, welcoming the hug she offered as he slid into the booth next to her.

Of course, there was no smile in sight from Katie.

James tried anyway. "Good morning, Katie," he said pleasantly.

She wanted to bite out a rude retort, James could see the words forming in her head, but her mother's warning look was enough to quell them. Instead she nodded and returned her attention to the menu.

"I was so surprised when you texted me last night," Jennifer shared. "You said plans fell through?"

"Yeah, I was supposed to meet Logan for breakfast but he had a lot of catching up to do."

"Oh, yes, he told me the same thing when I invited him to join us."

The glass of water James had lifted stopped halfway to his mouth. "You invited Logan?"

"To lunch yesterday, yes. I was hoping we'd get to talk a little more. He said we could try again next weekend, though. He seems like a nice young man."

"He is," James nodded, wondering just how much Jennifer knew about her son. "He and Kendall are...close."

"I know, isn't it fantastic?"

Another chug of water was in order before James glanced at her. "So you know?"

"About the two of them? Yes. I mean, we only found out yesterday, but I'm glad Kendall found the courage to tell us. He seems to really like Logan a lot."

"He does. And it's mutual, Logan...they're really hitting it off." _Now_ he had Katie's attention. "So you guys...you're cool with it? With Kendall being...?"

"Of course," Jennifer answered. "It doesn't change who he is."

James look over at Katie, needing to hear the same thing from her. "Mom's right. I was surprised, but he's still my brother. We just want him to be happy."

After swallowing over the lump in his throat, James said, "You're both amazing. He's really lucky to have you guys."

Jennifer smiled. "He's a wonderful son. Do you have any siblings?"

"I don't, actually. I've always wondered what it would be like."

"Sometimes it sucks," Katie admitted. When her mother gave her an exasperated look, she added, "But most of the time it rocks. It's nice to have someone looking out for you, you know?"

"I can imagine. You're starting at Lincoln next year, right?"

"Don't remind me."

"It's not a bad school, I'm really happy there. I was going to say that if Kendall's ever not around when you need him, you can find me in the arts department. I got your back."

"Lucy said the same thing," Jennifer mused. "It makes me feel better knowing all three of you will be watching over her."

Katie looked as if the idea was both welcome and repulsive at the same time. Unable to resist adding to her misery, James shared, "Logan will do the same, I'm sure."

Jennifer shook her head. "I'm sure Logan's going to be too busy wanting to strangle her to care about her safety."

"Mom, I'm not that bad!"

"You are, Katie. You take joy in disrupting math class. Why is it just that one?"

"Because it's boring! Why can't we just take tests and move on instead of listening to some teacher explain the same thing over and over?"

"Because not everyone is as smart as you and it takes them longer to grasp the concepts." To James, Jennifer said, "Katie's in advanced classes. It's not that she isn't intelligent, she just gets bored easily. Miles ahead of her classmates mentally."

"You know, Logan was the same way in school."

Katie was having a hard time believing that. "I can't see him causing trouble in class."

"No, that he wouldn't do," James chuckled. "I think 'detention' is a bad word in his world. What he did instead was learn at his own pace. He graduated when he was like 15 or something crazy."

"No way."

"That's incredible," Jennifer added.

"Maybe you guys should talk to him about it, see if he knows a better way for Katie to get through school."

"Huh. I'll keep that in mind. In the meantime, young lady, what are you having for breakfast?"

"I'm thinking waffles. They have the big Belgian ones here."

"They're really good," James told her. "They'll even put ice cream on it if you ask."

"Heck yeah!"

A passing bus boy stopped to ask if they needed more water. James was about to say yes when he noticed a full glass next to his almost-empty one. Jennifer and Katie each had their own, and wasn't it odd that there was an extra just sitting here?

Dread thudded heavily into his stomach when he realized why there'd be a fourth glass. And...a fourth menu he hadn't noticed.

 _No. NO._

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I had a hard time getting out of—"

Their eyes met just when Kendall would've said the word "bed." He stood next to the table and stared down with the same look of shocked panic that was a mirror to James' own gaze. The sight of those green eyes shoved memories into James' mind, visions from the night before with Rush tumbling through his brain to leave him breathless.

 _No. No I can't be here, I can't face you not now not after—_

"It's fine, sweetheart!" Trapped between James and the wall, Jennifer didn't rise to hug Kendall but gestured for him to join Katie on the other side of the booth. Kendall slowly slid into it, eyes still wide and panicked.

"I didn't know James was coming."

 _Don't. Please don't say that word and my name. Or even just the word._

Kendall continued, "I thought you couldn't make it."

"His plans fell through," Jennifer explained. "So he changed his mind. I didn't think it would be a problem; you two are friends, right?"

Friends was so not the word for whatever it was they were to each other. This was never going to work. James had to get out of here.

Just as he was about to stand, a foot stomped down hard on top of his. He met Kendall's gaze with an outraged look but immediately read the thoughts behind it.

 _Stay._

Kendall didn't want him here, it was glaringly obvious. Why was he stopping James from leaving?

A minute head tilt toward Jennifer answered the silent question. Feeling Katie's curious gaze dodging back and forth between them, James ignored the heat flushing his face and replied, "Close enough."

Kendall at least met him halfway. "We don't get a lot of time to talk since we only see each other at lunch."

"Well, now you do," Jennifer grinned. She informed an approaching server that they needed a few more minutes to decide on their orders before urging Kendall to look at the menu. "James says the waffles here are really good."

"I do love waffles," Kendall said slowly. James had to admire that he was trying even though it was obvious how badly he wished it was anyone else sitting across from him.

Sensing that whatever tension there had been was no longer a threat and therefore bored again, Katie returned to her own menu. "I think I'm gonna go with that. Mom's probably gonna get something boring like oatmeal."

"Katie, there is nothing wrong with oatmeal."

"Okay, but we come to a _breakfast_ place with all these choices and you eat oatmeal? There's something wrong with _you."_

With a smirk James told them, "Logan says the oatmeal here is fantastic."

Kendall tried to cover up a snort. "Why am I not surprised that Logan eats oatmeal?"

"Dude, right? No offense to you, Jennifer, but how does anyone come to a place like this and not get something like waffles and bacon? Or even pancakes?"

"That's what I'm saying!" Katie exclaimed.

"I have to agree with James," Kendall nodded. "Live a little, Mom."

"I happen to like oatmeal."

James grinned. "That's what Logan says, too. I'm sorry, but give me something sweet any day."

Kendall couldn't hold back an amused smile. "I did see some chocolate milk in Logan's fridge last night. Pretty sure I know who that belongs to."

"Guilty," James blushed, amazed that he was laughing. "I keep it there because I know he won't touch it." A suspicious glare was suddenly aimed Kendall's way. "Did you?"

"No, I swear!"

"You'd better not. And hands off the boxes of chocolate above the fridge."

"Oh, you really shouldn't have told me about that."

"I'm serious, Knight. I will decapitate you in your sleep."

"Damn," Kendall marveled. "You don't fuck around." Remembering his current company, Kendall offered an apologetic glance toward his little sister.

"Not when it comes to chocolate," James agreed. Something in Kendall's eyes changed, making James' heart jump in his chest. It was a teasing, challenging glint that James' dick responded to immediately.

"I brought over a chocolate pie last night for dessert. We never touched it. Will you be seeing Logan today?"

"I will," James nodded.

"I expect there to be enough left for him to bring me a piece for lunch tomorrow. Are we clear?"

Why was Kendall speaking in that slow, taunting but so sexy voice? This was torture.

"So clear," James answered, using the same tone of voice. Kendall licked his lips, and James' fingers dug into his own knee painfully. How did this man turn chocolate pie into sex? It just wasn't fair.

With the exception of Jennifer, who added a banana nut muffin to her order of oatmeal, they all went with waffles, eggs, and bacon. Talk turned to the previous day's game and by extension Kendall's feelings about his new career. James was quiet through much of that discussion, knowing it was difficult for Kendall to speak freely in front of him. He was starting to understand just how much it bothered Kendall that he'd been angry over the accident.

Then again, the knowledge that Kendall thought he'd deserved to lose the contest didn't sit well, either.

Halfway through the meal, James' phone rang. He frowned, having expected Logan to be deep into his "teacher stuff" by now. "Sorry," James said to the table. "I'm sure this will be quick. Hey, what's up?"

"Can you come over sooner?"

"Uh...sure. I'm having breakfast right now but...when?"

"Whenever you can. I broke my phone."

"Aren't you using it now?"

"Yeah, I mean the screen. I'm gonna have to take it in and they said they're already backed up so it'll be at least four hours."

"Oh. Yeah, I'll take you down to the mall."

"Thanks. And...don't be mad, but I'm going to give Kendall your number."

James' eyes flew across the table. Kendall gave him a questioning look. "Why?"

"Because we have to discuss something important and we can't without a phone. I'm sorry, I know that's a shitty thing to do to you, but...I need to be available when he calls. So I need you with me."

 _Oh. So now I'm just a way to get in touch with your boyfriend._ Fighting the feelings of hurt and inadequacy that wanted to crowd in, James blinked a few times and looked away from Kendall. "Sure. Whatever you need."

"James...thank you. I know we've been going through a lot and I know how hard all of this is for you, but...thank you. You're the best friend I could ever ask for."

Hot tears burned behind his eyelids. He refused to let them fall. "No prob. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thanks."

"Sure thing. Bye."

James hung up in a hurry, needing to get away fast. He managed, "Logan's gonna call and give you my number. Just do me a favor and delete it after today."

Confusion blanched across Kendall's face. "Why would he do that?"

"He'll explain. I have to—"

"Why don't you just give it to him?" Katie wanted to know. "You're sitting right here."

James didn't know how to answer that. There was no logical explanation for the fact that he didn't want Logan to know they'd had breakfast together. Which was dumb, Logan would probably be happy to hear they were getting along. And that just made James feel more guilty.

"I have to—"

The ringing of Kendall's phone saved him. They all looked away, giving James time to make an escape. He headed for the bathroom rather than the exit because he did still want to say goodbye to Jennifer and Katie, and he did want to pay for his food. He just needed a few minutes to get himself together before he could do that without breaking down into a complete mess.

When he finally emerged, Kendall was waiting for him outside the mens' room. Leaning against the hallway's wall in a hoodie with the school's logo on it and a faded pair of blue jeans, he was the representation of everything James needed in a sexual partner. It wasn't even anything in the clothes, but his mere presence and the way he stood. Or leaned. Or walked. Or _breathed._

 _Why can't you just go away and stop torturing me?_

Kendall pushed off the wall with a grace James wouldn't have expected from someone missing a limb. Not even that could take away from his beauty.

"I know you don't want to be here right now," he began. When James looked away, he added, "And I'll be honest. Sitting across from you is no picnic."

James nodded. "Then let me leave."

"I can't, because it would break my mother's heart and right now that's all I care about."

"I can just tell her I'm not feeling well."

"My mother sees through lies, James. She sees everything. It's really fucking annoying sometimes."

James believed that; she'd seen right through his stage persona to the scared little boy underneath.

"Besides, you've only eaten half of your waffle. You can't tell me you won't regret leaving that behind."

"I can get it to go. And I wasn't going to just take off without saying goodbye or paying for my meal. I'm not a total dick."

"No," Kendall smirked. "It would be easier if you were."

"Yeah, I'm not too thrilled with you right now either. It's impossible to hate you when you care so much about your family."

The smirk deepened, green eyes twinkling. "You do like me."

"Right now I really fucking hate you."

"I know," Kendall nodded. He stepped closer, James backing up until he was stopped by a wall. "But you also like me. A lot."

 _No. No no no this isn't happening._ James' breath was strangled in his throat. He closed his eyes, praying for some miracle that would get Kendall away from him because he only had so much self-control.

Kendall's voice was soft, reassuring...and way too close. "I see things too, James. Things you don't want anyone to see. I don't know why you feel the need to hide those things, but I think you'd be a lot happier if you opened up. If you just...let the real you...come out."

 _Come out._ Kendall made it sound so easy. They all made it sound so easy. It fucking wasn't! Intending to argue, James opened his eyes and his mouth only to freeze in place as a shudder surged through him.

Kendall's lips were an inch away. He could actually _feel_ the breath slipping out and onto his own lips.

There was no way to hide his feelings. Like Kendall had said, he saw them anyway. He thought it would be best to push Kendall away, he just needed room to breathe, but when he slipped a hand between them to do that, his fingers closed around soft material to clutch it tightly. His eyes begged for Kendall to do it, to do anything, to do _everything_ , because that hungry look on Kendall's face was enough to make him come by itself.

In a last-ditch effort at escape, James pressed his face to Kendall's shoulder, his body trembling. It was the only way to keep a scream from breaking free. Surprising him, Kendall wrapped him up in a hug that soothed him and made him feel secure. Safe. Treasured.

Wishing it didn't have to be this way, James lifted his face just enough to speak quietly. "Kendall, I need you to stay away from me. Please."

"Is that really what you want?" Kendall asked just as softly. His arms didn't loosen their grip.

 _No._ But there was one truth in James' life and nothing would change it. His voice full of pleading, he said, "I can't lose Logan."

And that, finally, Kendall seemed to understand. He slowly lowered his arms and stepped back, and when he did James saw a disappointment to match his own. "Okay."

There was nothing more to say. James dug deep for strength, calling on his acting skills yet again to get him through a moment in life he could barely face. "I'm gonna go."

Kendall nodded. He stepped further back, James finally feeling like he could breathe. He was almost to the end of the hall when Kendall stopped him. "Wait."

James didn't want to wait. He wanted to run, very far and very fast, to the safety of Logan. He halted anyway. "What?"

"I'll do what you want. I'll keep my distance. But before we finish this...there's one thing I need to know."

 _Don't ask don't ask don't ask I can't talk to you right now._ "I don't want to talk anymore."

"Good. I don't either."

When Kendall grabbed his arm to drag him back toward the bathroom, James let out a whine. He'd hate Kendall for this, wish him dead, refuse to even be in the same room with him.

 _Later._

Right now it was all about the way Kendall shoved him up against the wall and kissed him with abandon, a tongue demanding entrance that James desperately gave before returning the gesture. Kendall moaned when his tongue was sucked on, one hand eagerly rubbing over the bulge in James' pants while James thrusted into the touch. James' hands reached around to drag his hips closer, Kendall moving own his hands to James' hair so that there was nothing between them but clothing that each wished didn't exist. Kendall rutted into James, James hissing at the friction before meeting the thrusts eagerly while moaning into Kendall's mouth.

It was everything he'd ever dreamed of with Rush, except this was real. This was happening. This was _life._

"Oh god you have to stop or I'm gonna come."

Kendall did, pushing himself away from James in a way that showed it was the last thing he wanted to do. They stared at each other with fire blazing in their eyes, chests heaving with need. Not trusting himself to do anything else, James ran out of the bathroom and kept going until he was in the driver's seat of his car. He made it a few blocks before pulling onto a side street and reaching down for the notebook he kept under his seat at all times.

Song number four only took twenty minutes, and it was _fire._

He checked his phone to see if there was anything new from Logan, then communicated that he was on the way. He sent another text to Jennifer, apologizing for his abrupt departure and asking for her information so that he could send her a payment for his breakfast.

Finally he opened the email he'd noted right away but wanted to save for last. If anyone could clear his head and put him in a more rational frame of mind, it was Rush. Hopefully he had some wisdom to share and wasn't canceling on their date for the following night.

The email only consisted of two words, though, and they were like an echo of the thoughts swimming around in James' own brain.

" _It exists."_


	22. Chapter 22

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

A note regarding this chapter. I actually researched to see what would happen if you added two people under the same phone number to your contacts. On my phone, what happens is that the phone allows it and doesn't alert you that it's a number you already have. I tried it to be sure. So Kendall adding James' number to his phone even though King was already in there wouldn't be an issue; the phone treats it as a new number and new contact. What happens when that number calls you, however, is a different story. The way I wrote this is the way it would look in the situation they're in.

Moving on. Another shorter chapter but I needed to stop it there. Thanks again for reading! :)

* * *

"You've barely even touched your salad. What's going on?"

Logan moved lettuce and chicken around with his fork for the twentieth time, not lifting any of it to his mouth. He was normally not one to dominate the conversation anyway, but even for Logan he was less than talkative.

James tried again. "Hey."

"Nothing's going on."

"Is this about your phone? Are you that attached to it?"

"No, of course not."

Logan still wouldn't look at him. Hating to broach the subject he wanted to discuss the least, James sucked it up and asked. "Is it about Kendall?"

"It's nothing."

"It _is_ Kendall. What happened? I thought your date went well last night." James refused to think about what had occurred at the restaurant. If he did, he might have to tell Logan about it and break his friend's heart. Though maybe it would be better for Logan in the long run if Kendall hurt him now, because anyone who could kiss another man like that while dating someone as amazing as Logan obviously didn't deserve him.

"I said it was interesting."

"I took that to mean good." Had something gone wrong between them? Is that why Kendall kissed him today? Oh god, was Kendall using him to try to make Logan jealous?

"Look, the truth is...I don't know if we're gonna make it."

James bit his lip. There was so much he wanted to say to that. He went with, "Why not?"

"We just...have some issues to get past."

"You've been on two dates. Three if you count the movies, and that's still nothing. What sort of serious issues could you two possibly have after three dates?"

Now Logan looked up at him, his eyes flashing with something James had never seen in them before. Annoyance, but so much more than that. Resentment? Hatred? "It's not worth talking about."

"Oh, I think it is." James laid down his fork, no longer worried about the Thai food he'd been enjoying. "Talk to me."

Logan shook his head.

"Dude, if it's not working this early in the relationship, maybe it's not meant to be."

"Which would make you really happy, right? Since you hate him so much?"

"Hey. This isn't about me. Don't turn it into me chasing him away. Unless..." James' eyes narrowed. _"Is_ it about me?" Had Logan noticed the way Kendall looked at him sometimes? Did Kendall say something the night before about their attraction to each other, which made no sense but was impossible to fight? When Logan continued to say nothing, James reminded him, "I just want you to be happy. If it's with Kendall, I'll deal with it."

"Is that really what you want?"

It was the second time James had been asked that in a matter of hours, and both times the answer was no. He did want Logan to be happy, but not with Kendall. Part of it was the fact that Kendall had the power to steal Logan away; part of it was that he wasn't sure of Kendall's devotion to Logan at this point. Most of it was that he wanted Kendall for himself, and that made him the worst friend in history.

He couldn't say any of that, though. What mattered was keeping Logan in his life. So in a show of support, he whipped out his phone and held it out. "Call him."

"What?"

"You put his number in my phone today for a reason, and it wasn't for my benefit. Call him. Tell him that whatever problems you two are having, you can work through them if you both want it badly enough."

"I don't want to bother him. I think he's with his family today."

James _knew_ he was with his family. "I don't care. If you don't tell him that he's worth fighting for, you're going to lose him. And I refuse to take the blame for that. So do it. Right now. Call him."

Logan looked back at James in an agony of indecision. "I need this to work," he murmured.

"I know," James replied softly, his heart breaking a little. "Call him."

* * *

"Kendall!" Katie called out. "Phone's ringing!"

Bent over inside the refrigerator, he barely heard her. "Not now!"

"How long has this salad been in here?" his mother asked with a wrinkled nose. "It's brown."

"I forgot that was in there." Thinking it might be Logan calling to tell him he had his phone back, Kendall yelled, "Is it Logan?"

"Uh...hang on, let me..." Katie leaned toward the coffee table and picked up the vibrating phone. "It's King! Or...James?"

Both names were enough to make his heart stop. "What?"

"That's what it says! 'King or James calling'"

Kendall poked his head out of the kitchen. "That doesn't make any sense." And why would King be calling him anyway? It was most likely Logan calling from James' phone.

"Hey, don't yell at me. I'm just telling you what I saw."

"I'm sure you read it wrong." Kendall trudged into the room, holding out his hand for the phone, which had stopped vibrating seconds before. On the lock screen was a string of words that stopped his breathing:

"Missed Call King or James"

The truth rushed up at him with no warning. He felt faint.

But no. That was impossible. His phone was wrong.

With growing dread, Kendall unlocked his phone and went to the contacts page. James and King were close together alphabetically. It took less than five seconds to verify what his phone was trying to tell him.

Both contacts shared the same phone number.

How had Kendall missed that?

Oh, right. His mother had put James' number in his phone while Kendall was busy trying to fuck James into a bathroom wall. He'd never seen James' number.

His leg failed him and he sat down hard on the sofa next to Katie, the prosthetic off balance and banging into the table.

"Dude, watch it!" After another few seconds it was, "Kendall? Hey, you okay?" Then it graduated to, "Mom! Something's wrong with Kendall!"

That woke him up. "No. No, I'm fine, sorry, I...I'm gonna be sick."

His mother tried to follow him into the bathroom but he slammed the door in her face. "I'm fine, I swear!"

"Was it breakfast? Did breakfast make you sick?"

Kendall supposed that wasn't too far from the truth. "Yeah. Let me...give me a few minutes."

"Okay. Call us if you need anything!"

What Kendall needed was a place to scream. This wasn't possible. There was no way. James couldn't be...

But he could. Stepping back from the situation, Kendall saw it clearly and wondered how he'd missed it. The signs had been there from the start. He'd even pictured James in his head every time he imagined a moment with King! It made sense that he was so attracted to James. It made sense that he'd hit it off so well with King. If you took Logan out of the equation, Kendall supposed he and James might've hit it off just as nicely in person. Maybe they'd be the ones out having dates, except theirs would have most likely turned into overnighters. They'd probably fall asleep together in each others' arms the way King described, the way Kendall ached to hold a man after sex. King—and James—was everything Kendall needed in a boyfriend. Yet King was also a gay man still in the closet who was in love with his best friend and...

 _James is in love with Logan._

 _James is attracted to his best friend's boyfriend. Which is me._

 _James wants me to bend him over and fuck him._

"Oh my god," Kendall whispered, panic raining down over him in fat droplets that sank into his skin.

It made sense. It all made sense.

There were two things that James didn't know, though. Three, if you considered Rush's identity a secret, and he was pretty sure it still was.

James didn't know that Kendall was falling in love with him. Yes, he'd made it abundantly clear today that he was intensely attracted to James, and King knew the same. What neither knew was that Kendall's heart had been sailing closer and closer each time they spoke, so much that the night before Kendall had been tempted to beg King to come out just so they could be together. In person. For real. Especially now that he knew passion existed at the level he'd been craving, the idea of continuing to date Logan seemed like the wrong thing for both of them.

James also didn't know that Logan was in love with him. To tell James that would be to completely shut down any chance of a relationship with him—and with King. He was standing in the way of two people who loved each other and deserved to be together. Even knowing that it would leave him alone, Kendall could see no other option; he had to take himself out of the equation. He had to open their eyes.

Ironic that the person who was keeping them apart would be the one to bring them together now.

Kendall lowered the lid of the toilet and sank down slowly, resting his head in his hands. Memories and sensations of James devouring him were bittersweet now, as he knew he'd never have that again. There had been some tiny spark of hope in him after this morning that maybe it was the two of them that were meant to be together.

" _You were sent here to find the guy of your dreams."_

At the time Lucy said that, Kendall had thought Logan might be the one. He'd hoped, because Logan was kind. Generous. Funny. Beautiful.

He was all of the things Kendall thought he wanted in a boyfriend.

Kendall knew better now, though; yes, he needed someone who possessed the qualities Logan did, but what he needed more than anything was passion and fire. Without those two things Kendall would never be truly satisfied.

What Kendall needed was James.

"It was nice while it lasted," he said to the empty bathroom, heat rushing up through his face along with tears of emptiness and dread. He knew what he had to do.

* * *

"You're not gonna leave a voicemail?"

"No," Logan sighed, setting down James' phone next to a bright orange tray holding the food James had been picking at. "He asked for space. I need to give him that."

"It's a dick move to ignore your call. He has to know you're sitting here stressing out over this."

"I shouldn't pressure him."

"He should man up and just tell you what he wants."

"What if he doesn't know what he wants?"

Remembering the way Kendall had attacked him earlier, James stated, "He knows what he wants. Trust me. A guy like that always knows what he wants."

"Maybe I'm not the person to give it to him."

"Maybe you're scared and giving up too easily."

Logan dropped his head onto his crossed arms. "I hate this."

"I know. You gonna eat any more of that salad?"

"No."

James couldn't fight an adoring smile; Logan was precious when he moped. "Want ice cream? I'll treat."

"No thanks."

"Come on." James stood up, lifting their trays.

"Where? My phone won't be ready for another few hours."

"I know. But they did just open up a new shop downstairs I think you'll like."

Logan sat up with his lips pursed. "What store?"

"I can't remember the name. Something with the word 'brain' in it. Looked like a bunch of puzzles and books and...nerdy shit."

"That sounds like fun."

"Right? Come on, let me buy you a brain teaser."

Logan's grin was a welcome sight. "You always know how to cheer me up."

After dumping the remains of their lunch, James slid an arm around Logan's waist. "That's why you love me."

Logan didn't argue the fact. Instead, he laid his head on James' shoulder as they headed for the escalator.

* * *

James was bored within three minutes inside the store, but Logan's joy made it bearable. It was rare to see Logan get excited over toys and games, though he did have a fondness for Trivial Pursuit. That was one James suffered through only in exchange for the promise of a heated battle on the Xbox.

He was checking his display to see if the phone store had sent any updates when a text came in. Shocked because Rush had never actually texted him before, James hungrily read the message.

" _Let me know when you're home so we can talk."_

That sounded...almost ominous. With mounting fear, James knew what it must mean. When coupled with the earlier email, which he'd assumed meant that things were working out splendidly and that the boyfriend had in fact given Rush the sort of physical attention he needed, James realized what this was.

Rush was dumping him. Not just cutting off the sex talk, but _all_ the talk.

His heart cracked as he spun toward a wall, making sure his back was to Logan and everyone else in the store. Not only was he about to lose Logan, but now he didn't even have Rush to help him cope. And he could only imagine the hell he would go through watching Kendall make out with Logan. There was no one to turn to.

 _Lucy._

Lucy would understand. He'd shoot her a text once Kendall and Logan had cleared things up between them. _And_ after Rush broke the news, which he was determined to take with class and maturity. Rush owed him nothing. They'd just been using each other for practice, right?

 _You're an idiot, Diamond. You fell in love. You knew it was going nowhere and you fell in love anyway._

"Check this out! It's a maze but also a game! We have to figure out how to build the towers to get the marble to the end!"

The fake smile was plastered on his face when he turned around. "Sounds great. So this is what I'm buying you?"

Some of Logan's happiness deflated. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Why do you always think something's wrong?"

"Because I know you. Did Kendall call back?"

"No. Nothing about your phone, either."

"Okay." Logan wasn't buying it, because of course Logan was right; he _knew_ James. "You sure you want to buy this for me?"

"And miss out on hours of fun watching you build shit if I don't? Of course I want to buy it." James snatched the box out of Logan's hand and moved to the register.

"You're gonna help me, you know."

"Which means you owe me at least an hour of fun tomorrow."

"After dinner."

"You might miss 'Jeopardy!' if we wait until then."

Logan smirked and bumped hips with James. "You're worth it."

The words helped. A little bit.

* * *

"Still nothing from Kendall?" Logan frowned as James turned onto the highway.

"He wouldn't be using my number. You told him you have your phone back, right?"

"Yeah, but he hasn't answered. I texted him."

"You should call him instead."

"He's probably busy."

"Stop being a chickenshit."

"Stop calling me names."

James shrugged. That was fair.

"Now that we're alone can we talk about whatever happened in the store that has you so upset?"

Damn Logan and his need to take care of James. It was impossible to hide anything from him.

 _Except the fact that you love him. And that Kendall tried to take you down in a public restroom. Definitely keeping those things from him._

"Don't tell me nothing," Logan warned. "I'm not backing off until you talk about it."

"You're annoying."

"I'm your friend. Talk to me."

James braced himself, wondering how to put it into words. "I think I'm being dumped."

A dark brow rose as Logan stared at James' profile. "Are you making fun of me?"

"No, asshole, this isn't about you! I think my...girl...is about to cut me off. Completely."

"Oh." Logan's voice was gentle when he continued. "I thought you guys weren't pursuing anything."

"We weren't, but...I don't know. I thought that we'd at least still talk, even after she found someone. She swore we'd still be friends."

"What makes you think she changed her mind?"

"She texted me and said we need to talk."

"That doesn't necessarily mean it's something bad, James."

"Oh, so if Kendall texted you those words right now, you wouldn't be worried at all."

Logan let out a sigh. "Okay, I see your point."

"It just hurts, you know? I knew we weren't gonna be together. I knew we'd probably never even meet in person. But I thought I could at least count on a friendship. Someone to talk to when I'm lonely or upset."

"You still have me."

"Yeah, but what happens if you're out on a date with Kendall and I need someone to talk to?"

"If it's serious, you know you can call me anyway."

"No way. I'm not gonna be that person who calls you and interrupts your date every five minutes just because I'm pathetic and needy. That's why I went looking for someone in the first place. To get me through nights like that."

James didn't fight it when Logan reached out for his hand. "Just because this one didn't work out, that doesn't mean the next won't."

"I know, but..." James' bottom lip trembled. "I really liked this one."

"I'm sorry."

James fought tears as he attempted to focus on the road. "Fuck you for making me cry over this."

"It's what you need to do."

"Not while I'm driving."

"Want to pull over and switch?"

"No." He pulled himself together. "Just...be there for me when I fall apart."

"Every time," Logan promised. He squeezed James' hand. "You can do the same for me when Kendall tells me he's decided against us."

"Which he won't do if you just call him and tell him what you were going to earlier."

"I basically did tell him all of that last night. The ball's in his court now."

"Look at you, using sports analogies. He's rubbing off on you."

"Yeah," Logan said sadly. "I only wish I rubbed off on him enough to give me a second chance."

"How'd you screw up the first one?"

Logan shook his head. "Not even worth getting into."

Well, there was a bright side to all of this, James supposed. At least with Kendall and Rush out of their lives, things would go back to the way they'd been before. James had missed that.

Yet at the same time, he'd learned that there were things Logan couldn't give him. Or maybe it was more accurate to say _wouldn't_ give him. Because no matter how close they became as friends, no matter how many times Logan said he loved him, Logan would never fuck him into a wall the way Kendall had wanted to.

The way Rush would, even in the playground of James' mind.

James was really going to miss his happy place.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Hi guys! Just wanted to take a second to thank you again for reading this. And to those who share their reactions and thoughts with me, an even bigger thank you. Hope you're all having a great week!

* * *

" _Hey. Let me start off by saying how much I've enjoyed getting to know you over the past week or so. Crazy that it's only been a week, right? It feels like I've known you forever. From the first moment you showed up in that chat room and asked me for a private chat, I knew you were special. Which makes this even harder, because I don't want to let you go._

 _I have to, though. I know you won't understand, and I know you'll hate me for it since I promised we'd be friends forever. I meant it when I said it. I still wish it could be true. You opened my mind to things I'd never experienced before. If things were different, if we had met in the normal way, maybe we could become a thing. I actually considered that last night, and it hurts to know that will never come to pass or that I won't ever get to truly cuddle with you and kiss you goodnight. Life has other plans for us and if we let it, it can guide us to the people we're meant to be with._

 _Thank you for every moment you've given me. The laughter, the encouraging words, the mind-blowing sex. I'm going to miss it all. I need you to do two very important things for me, though. I need you to delete my number from your phone. Please. I can't take any chances. Yours is already gone from mine. I'm sorry it has to be this way._

 _I also need you to be honest with yourself and with the people around you. I know coming out is a huge step. I know it's scary. But those closest to you deserve to know the truth, and you deserve to be happy. The most important person you need to be honest with is your best friend. The rest can come later, but please. For yourself and for him, tell him how you feel. I know you think he doesn't feel that way about you, but I can't imagine that he wouldn't. I fell in love with you in a week. I'm positive there's no way he can know you as well as he does and not love you the way you want him to. PLEASE. Tell him the truth. Find that courage I know is in there and at least come out to him. The rest will fall into place._

 _I won't ever forget you or the way you make me feel. I wish you everything good in life. Don't give up on your dreams, keep writing those songs and show the world what you're really made of. I know it's not the same, but if you ever need a friend just find me in the place we created in our minds. I'll always be there for you. I love you._

 _Rush"_

"Hey, are you in the mood for marinara or Alfredo tonight? I have both, we can—" Logan stopped speaking at the sight of James hunched over on himself, shoulders heaving in a series of shakes. "James!" The box of pasta fell to the floor in Logan's haste to get to him, everything forgotten but the fact that his best friend was in some sort of pain. When he knelt before the sofa, he heard what hadn't been audible from across the room—James was sobbing quietly, a weak desperate sound coming from his throat. Logan worked James' phone free from his grip and set it on the table before taking James into his arms, where James finally let the pain break through with a tortured moan of despair. Though he was dying to ask what was wrong, he knew James wasn't in a place where he could speak just yet. Instead he rocked James in his arms, letting James wail into his shoulder and offering the comfort he was able to through body language. It was another two minutes before James found the strength to embrace him, and Logan rubbed his back soothingly while making gentle hushing noises.

"Is it your mom? Is she okay?" Logan asked softly once he felt James was calm enough to at least answer questions.

The shaking was still a thing, but now James seemed more aware of his surroundings. "She's fine," he croaked.

After reaching for the box of tissues on the coffee table, Logan set them next to James on the sofa and passed him one. James took it, wiping his nose and then using another on his eyes. He sniffed a few times, attempting to get hold of himself, but the tears just kept coming.

"Is it...her?"

James' trembling lips answered the question for him.

"I'm sorry, James. Even though you were kind of expecting it, I know how much this has to hurt."

"I just...it sucks. It fucking sucks. I trusted someone, I opened up, and then just like that the door is slammed in my face. We can't even talk anymore."

"Is that what she said?"

"Yeah." A deep, shuddering breath left James and he reached for another tissue. "I'm sure it's because of the guy."

"The one she was dating?"

"Yeah," James nodded, then cleared his throat. He still wasn't okay, but Logan thought he was slowly getting to a place where he knew he would be eventually. "Said it's best for both of us if we don't talk anymore."

"Well, I know this doesn't help right now, but it probably feels like cheating to talk to you. Since you two had...sex talks or whatever. I know I wouldn't want my boyfriend talking to someone else like that."

"I know, I get it, it's just..." He wiped at his eyes and then closed them. "I'm really gonna miss the talks. Not even just the sex ones, but...all of it. She was amazing."

"I'm sorry," Logan offered, and he truly was even through the jealousy springing up that James had grown so close to someone else. "I really am."

James nodded before reaching out to pull Logan close again. "Don't ever leave me."

"Never," Logan whispered. "I'm right here." They jumped at the sound of a knock on the door, and Logan sighed. "Except right this second. Don't move, I'll get rid of her."

"Her?"

"I'm sure it's Mrs. Gibson."

James' reply was to sniff before clearing his throat. He'd been present many times when Mrs. Gibson, a kindly but needy widow, had asked for help from "the strong young men" across the hall.

It wasn't the neighbor, though. When Logan swung open the door, it was Kendall who stood in the hall to greet Logan with a small smile. "Hey."

Logan's stomach dropped. _Finally_ Kendall was going to give him an answer, and it was the worst time with James so upset, but he'd been going through agony all day wondering if Kendall would give him a second chance. "Uh...come in."

He moved aside so that Kendall could step in, and at the sight of James staring back with red, puffy eyes and a pile of tissues next to him, Kendall froze. "I'm sorry, I didn't know..."

James seemed just as surprised before giving Kendall a look Logan couldn't read. "I'll go. Just give me a minute in the bathroom."

"No, James...actually, I'm glad you're here. I need to talk to Logan in private, but...please stay."

Logan silently pleaded with James for the same, sensing that his fears were justified. Kendall was here to dump him and he wouldn't want to be alone once the words were out. James only shrugged and moved toward the small hallway.

"I'm sorry I didn't call first," Kendall began. "I never got an answer to my text so I figured I'd just come over."

"What text?" Logan wondered. "I texted you when I got my phone back and then heard nothing."

"It was before that. To James' phone. I wasn't sure you had yours back yet."

James halted outside the bathroom door, having heard that. He called out, "I never got a text from you."

Kendall seemed confused for a moment before whatever he was pondering appeared to make sense. His face changed, eyes closing and a breath leaving him. Once they heard a door close, he faced Logan and asked, "Is he okay?"

Logan wasn't sure how much to share, but it did touch him that Kendall seemed to genuinely care. "He will be. Just got some bad news."

"Ah. His uh...family stuff?"

"No. Things aren't going to work out with the girl he was seeing. He's taking it hard."

Kendall looked away, then toward the hall. "I'm glad you're here for him."

"Yeah, we uh...it's what we do." Suddenly noticing the pasta box on the floor, Logan walked over to pick it up and set it on the coffee table. It was another few seconds before he had the courage to ask, "Am I going to need him to console me once you leave?"

Now Kendall's attention returned to him. He slowly approached Logan and reached out to take both hands in his. "You are...what was it you said about me? The kind of guy every man dreams of dating?"

"Something like that," Logan nodded. It took another boost of courage to look up and into Kendall's gaze. "Sounds like we need to date, then."

Kendall's face fell, and Logan had his answer. Kendall's green eyes were suddenly too intense to look into. He tried to pull his hands from the grip but Kendall's fingers tightened to keep him there. "I'm sorry."

"I get it. I know I'm too wrapped up in him. But I was willing to try."

"I know, and I want to make it clear that if your feelings for James were all that's standing in our way, I'd give us a chance. I understand being in love with someone and needing time to break free from that."

Surprised, Logan frowned. "What else is wrong? I thought we had a good thing."

"We did. We do, and if you'll have me, I still want to be in your life. I really do like you a lot, Logan."

"I like you, too. What's the problem?"

"Two things." Kendall braced himself before diving in. "One, I think you and James need to explore whatever it is between you."

Logan rolled his eyes while letting out a frustrated noise and attempting to turn away. Kendall didn't let him. "How many times do I have to tell you that James is not gay?"

"I'm just saying that maybe there are things he hasn't faced yet. Maybe there's more than what he shows on the surface."

"Look, you don't know him. I'm his best friend. I know him better than anyone, and if he was curious, don't you think he'd tell me?"

Kendall shrugged. "Maybe he's afraid to lose you."

"That doesn't even make sense. I don't know why you're so stuck on this, but it's not reality. If that's what's holding you back with me, please let that go. It's never gonna happen for me and James. I accepted it a long time ago, now I just need to accept someone else in my life. I want that to be you."

Though Kendall nodded slowly, his next words were, "I'm not the right guy for you."

"How do you know if we don't even give it a try?"

"Because I know that you're not the right guy for me."

The words sucked all the air out of Logan.

"I'm sorry. I really wanted you to be. I don't know how to explain it except to say that something's missing between us. Something I need. When I kiss you, it's not there."

"We've hardly kissed."

"I know, and that's part of the problem. I need someone who can't stand to _not_ kiss me. Who can't look at me without going crazy to touch me or at least show me with his eyes that he's thinking about it. I need someone who _craves_ me. And I need to crave him, too."

James had returned to the room. Kendall didn't even need to look over to see it, he felt it in every fiber of his being that James was near and was affected by the words. This was what he needed that Logan couldn't give him.

"Kendall..." Logan began. "That's...a level of intensity that approaches unhealthy. I don't even know if that exists."

Now Kendall met James' hungry gaze over Logan's shoulder. It was brief, but it was palpable between them. "It exists. I promise."

James looked away first. Kendall moved his eyes back to Logan's face and squeezed his hands. "We can't force something that isn't there. Please try to understand."

Though Logan was breaking inside, he nodded with a lack of expression. "I'm sorry I can't be what you need."

"No, please don't blame yourself." Kendall freed their hands so he could pull Logan into a warm embrace. He kissed Logan's forehead. "You're going to make someone else very happy. There's someone out there who needs exactly what you have to offer." He moved his lips to Logan's ear and whispered, "Maybe closer than you think."

"Stop that," Logan sighed, knowing what Kendall was driving at. "I can only take one heartbreak per day."

The attempt at a joke reassured Kendall that he and Logan would be okay. He hugged Logan tighter. "I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you. Can we still...you know. Hang out? At least sit together at lunch?"

"I don't know," Logan answered honestly. "Right now I'm just..."

"I know. It's okay. Take your time and if you decide you still want to know me..."

Logan nodded, the first tears escaping as he pulled back from Kendall. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

Kendall leaned down to press a chaste kiss to Logan's lips. "I'm sorry it wasn't you."

"So am I."

The dam broke then, Logan breaking down so that James was moving forward to hold him. Kendall was closest and beat him to it, and James stood to the side biting his lip while obviously dying to console Logan. Kendall held Logan close with one arm, lifting the other to squeeze James' shoulder and mouth, "Take care of him."

Before James could respond, Logan shoved away from Kendall and ran toward the bathroom, where they heard a door slam. "Dammit," James muttered. He glared at Kendall. "He can't ever know. Don't you ever tell him about what happened today."

"That's between us. I never meant to hurt him, James."

"Well, you did. You fucked him over hard and now I have to pick up the pieces."

Kendall barely refrained from an eye roll. "Don't act like you'd rather be anywhere else. We both know you're in love with him." When James dared to be offended, Kendall pressed, "And don't try to tell me you're straight, because if anybody knows what a lie that is, it's me."

Something in Kendall's tone woke James up, sending him right back to that restaurant bathroom where Kendall had shown him what it felt like to be claimed. "I meant what I said. I need you to stay away from me."

"If Logan chooses to remain my friend, I'm going to be around, James. I'm not giving him up completely. And if you don't want to lose him, you need to tell him how you really feel."

"Don't tell me how to live my life."

"Stop lying to yourself. To him. What he needs is you." There was no answer from James, who appeared to be thinking that over. Finally Kendall stepped closer to ask softly, "Are you okay?"

The sincerity behind the question threw James. "What?"

"You were crying when I came in. Logan told me that uh...something happened with a...friend?"

James swallowed hard. "Not your business."

"I know, I just..." Unable to help himself, Kendall lifted a hand until he could cup James' cheek. "We've never seen eye to eye because of Logan, but I think that once you accept I'm no longer a threat, we might actually become friends. I'd like that."

"What part of 'stay away from me' don't you understand, Kendall? I can't be close to you. You know why."

"I'm just saying, I think that once you clear things up with Logan, that won't be an issue anymore. You'll have someone to give all that passion to, and won't even look twice at me." A touch of sadness flitted into Kendall's gaze and then was gone. His thumb traced the fullness of James' lips, James' eyes falling closed as his body flared into a slow burn of desire. His breath stopped when warm lips captured his, and this time their kiss was different. The passion was there but it was muted. Kendall kissed him tenderly, tongue lazy as it worked James' mouth open, and it was the sort of kiss James had imagined sharing after sex with Rush. It was soft, teasing, and soothing all at the same time. It was acceptance and safety. James' hands slid up Kendall's chest to his neck, then continued on to his hair, and the passion was still a slow burn that had heat coiling throughout James' body without that sense of urgency. He'd be content to stand here and kiss Kendall for hours. Days. Weeks.

Eternity.

Kendall pulled away first, James dazed but only long enough to remember that Logan could walk in at any second.

"I need to go," Kendall whispered, one hand still cupping James' cheek while the other curled into his shirt. "Be there for him. Love him. Tell him that you love him."

James licked his lips. "Please go. Now."

"Tell him to call me when he's ready."

The trance James was in lasted even after Kendall escaped through the front door. He needed romance in his life. Rush had shown him that, and Kendall had forced the knowledge upon him without even trying, but James knew there was only one man who was everything he needed.

When Logan finally stepped back into the living room with red eyes, James was waiting.

"Did Kendall leave?"

"Yeah. He said to call when you're ready."

Logan sighed. "I don't know how to feel."

Though James suspected now might not be the time to overwhelm Logan any further, he knew that if he didn't do it now he would chicken out. No matter what happened, Logan would still be his friend, right? James wanted so much more, but he would settle for what they shared now as long as there were no more secrets between him. Logan would accept him. Staring at Logan now, James thought for the first time that it might be possible that Rush was right; Logan might actually learn to love him once James opened his eyes to the truth.

And if not? Well, at least he would still be here for James. They'd promised each other that much.

Of course, so had he and Rush, but James didn't want to think about Rush right now. It hurt too much. James didn't even want to think about Kendall. All that mattered was standing before him, the answer to every question he'd ever had in life.

With both excitement and dread, James pinned Logan with a determined gaze. "We need to talk."

* * *

Logan allowed James to lead him back to the sofa, which had already seen its share of crying for the day. Hopefully it wouldn't see anymore.

"I know you're upset," James began, wondering how to just say what he needed to say. Maybe he _should_ wait.

"I was expecting it," Logan sighed.

"Yeah, but like you said earlier, that doesn't make it easier. Looks like we both got rejected today, and it sucks."

Logan nodded, misery peeking through the smile he offered James. "At least we have each other, right?"

"Always," James promised. He fell back against the cushions sideways so that he was still facing Logan, who turned toward him and did the same.

"You never answered my question."

"Which question would that be?" Something in Logan's eyes melted him; it was a comforting gaze, familiar and safe, and as he'd sensed from the start with Logan, this man would always take care of him.

"Marinara or Alfredo?"

A soft chuckle left James. "Do we really want to cook tonight?"

Logan shrugged. "It's better than sitting around moping."

"Why don't we just order a pizza or something? Then we can sit here together and play a game or watch a movie or..." When he opened his arms, Logan immediately moved closer to snuggle in. James wrapped him up tight before continuing. "Anything that keeps you right here."

Logan's face was warm in the crook of his neck; James savored the feel of it, of Logan in his arms and wanting to be there. The silence was comfortable, at least until James felt wetness at his throat. He blinked a few times before frowning. "Hey. You okay?"

A quiet sob was his answer, and James sighed before physically lifting Logan up onto his lap sideways. Once Logan was secure in his arms, James leaned back and hugged him close to kiss his forehead. "I'm sorry. I know you liked him a lot."

Logan shook his head.

"You didn't like him?"

"Of course I liked him," Logan replied, pulling a tissue from the box James shoved at him. "But that's not why I'm crying."

James waited it out, and when Logan had pulled himself together, he tried, "Tell me what you're feeling."

"A lot of things," Logan admitted. "Like a failure. Like—"

"What? How could you possibly think this is your fault?"

"Because I wasn't enough for him. I'm not enough for anybody."

"Stop it." James hugged him tighter. "You're more than enough."

"If I was, I wouldn't be alone."

"You're not alone. I'm right here."

"I know, and that's...sometimes..."

It was so rare for Logan to cry that the fact that he was tearing up again sent James into a slight panic. "Hey, come on, he's one of a million. You're going to meet someone who is smart enough to realize how amazing you are and want everything you have to offer."

"He said the same thing," Logan stated in a dead voice.

"Well, he's not completely stupid."

Logan sighed. "I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting, of wishing for things that will never happen and I just want to be able to live my life without..."

"Without what?"

Logan bit his lip, burying his face in James' neck again. When he answered, the words were muffled but clear enough. "Without loving someone who doesn't love me back."

James swallowed hard. "I know the feeling."

"Yeah, I know. She's stupid to let you go."

Here it was. This was it, the right moment. James felt it in his gut, and though the thought of Rush still hurt, the knowledge that his...friend?...would be proud of him spurred him on. "I wasn't talking about her."

The body in his arms tensed up. "Oh. There's someone else you're into?"

 _Deep breaths, James. Deep breaths. No matter what, he's not going anywhere._ "Yes."

Logan admitted, "I had a feeling."

"I wasn't going to tell you. I knew it would change things between us and you know my biggest fear is losing you, and..."

"Well..." Resigned, Logan let out a longer sigh so that his body went limp against the strong one supporting him. "She's gay, so..."

James opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to comprehend what Logan was saying. "What?"

"I know it sucks. It's like being gay and having a crush on your straight best friend. You wish you could change them, but you can't. So you just have to live with it."

Still lost, James gently pushed Logan away enough to look into his eyes. "Who the hell do you think I'm talking about?"

"Lucy. It's obvious you want to be with her."

Hazel eyes stared back in confusion as James tried to grasp that Logan thought he was in love with... "Lucy? Oh my god, no! Ew!"

"Ew? James, please, you were all over her at the movies. You shared your candy with her!"

"So? Like I didn't see him do the same with you? What else was I supposed to do when you were so wrapped up in Kendall? It was like I was barely even there!"

"Don't turn this around on me, you two snuck off together for...whatever...and then you came back and completely ignored me! How do you think that makes me feel, James?"

Outrage flooded him. "Are you fucking serious right now? You were there with a _date._ How dare you act like you're the one who was being ignored!" Logan was unceremoniously shoved off of James' lap, barely saving himself from falling on his ass. He stood, James doing the same and pacing away a few steps before pacing back. "Why the fuck do you think I needed Lucy there with me? I didn't know how else to survive two hours of watching you with someone else!"

"Oh, well you seemed to survive it just fine with the oh-so-quirky-and-adorable Lucy at your side."

James stared at Logan in shock, realization crashing down. "You're jealous. Oh my god, you're jealous."

Logan spun away angrily, arms crossing over his chest.

"Logan, look at me."

"No."

"Logan. _Babe."_ It was a nickname they'd used on occasion that James really liked, as it always made him feel like Logan was _his._ "Talk to me."

"It's not worth talking about."

"It is, because I think our biggest problem is that we keep looking elsewhere for what we need when it's right in front of our faces."

Logan shook his head, shoulders hunched in. "I can't give you what you need. You can't give me what I need."

Now. The time was most definitely now. James gently turned Logan to face him, Logan resisting for a few seconds before giving in and staring back at James. He was in misery again. James was going to change that. "I can."

"No, James. We talked about this, I need more than friendship."

"So do I." He braced himself while swallowing hard, then just said it. "I'm gay."

The only reply to that was stunned silence.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I needed to keep it a secret from everyone, for my career. For my image. And it was stupid to keep it from you, but I was terrified because I knew it would change things and felt like you could never love me back but...I'm really hoping I'm wrong about that. I love you, Logan. I've loved you for a year."

James prayed for it to happen, but the surprise never morphed into happiness or excitement, or even acceptance. Instead, what Logan finally said with disbelief was, "A year?"

"Something like that," James shrugged. "Probably since the first day you invited me here. I was still a little confused then, but what I knew for sure was that I never wanted to leave you or this place."

"A year." It seemed to be what Logan was stuck on. Arms still crossed over his chest, he pursed his lips. "A fucking year."

James waited in silence, fear sprouting in his heart. This wasn't going the way he'd hoped it would. Or maybe he was just reading too much into things as he tended to do.

"So...we spent the last year together, practically every second of it _physically_ together, and you never once thought it would be a good idea to tell me that you're gay?"

"I didn't want you to feel guilty."

"Guilty? What sense does that even make?"

"Because you didn't feel the same way, so you'd feel guilty about having to let me down and then it would always be there in your mind that I wanted you and you'd be careful around me, you wouldn't touch me or let me sleep in your bed and..." Panic was seeping in as James rambled; he felt the walls closing in on him. "Logan, I was so scared to lose you."

"Yet you lied to me. For a fucking _year!"_

"Babe..."

"Oh, no. Don't call me that. You don't get to call me that."

"No, Logan, don't...please don't do this." Terror had tremors running through James. "I knew you wouldn't love me, but—"

"But I did. I suffered every single day because I loved you and I knew you could never love me. Every. Single. Day. But you didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. You couldn't show me your true self."

"That's not true. You're the only person who _did_ see my true self."

"No, James. You fucking lied about who you are. Not just to everyone else, but to me. To me, your best friend! Forget about the fact that we were in love, you couldn't even tell me as your best friend!"

"I was scared!"

"Like I wasn't? Like I didn't spend every day terrified you'd figure out my true feelings and hate me for them? Like I didn't sit next to you in agony on this couch wishing I could kiss you and praying you wouldn't know it?"

"So you lied, too! You weren't honest with me, either."

"It's not the same thing. Keeping your feelings from someone because you're scared to lose them is normal. Keeping your sexuality a secret...that's just a lie. It feels like I've been living with a lie for a year. Like I don't even know you or who you are or...like I can't trust you at all."

"What the fuck are we even talking about, Logan? We just admitted that we're in love with each other. Why is there any question that this is meant to be?"

"Because the man I loved doesn't exist! You were a lie!"

"No, I'm still the same person! I'm still the guy who gets crazy jealous when you talk about Kendall and eats all your chocolate and forces you to buy things you don't really like at the store just because you know how badly I want them. Logan..." The precariousness of the situation they were suddenly in was suffocating him. "What are we doing? We belong together, you know this. Everybody knows it, even Lucy knows it! She's been trying to get me to tell you for days!"

"So you could tell Lucy, but you couldn't even tell me." Logan pushed out a breath. "No one should've had to force you into this. You should've trusted me. Even if I didn't feel the same way, you should know me well enough to know I'd never treat you differently just because you're gay. You obviously _don't_ know me. And I don't know you."

The flat tone of Logan's voice sent fear through James. "Logan...please."

"I'm sorry. I can't...it's too much. I can't handle the lying."

"What...what does that mean?"

"I need..." Logan couldn't meet James' tear-blurred gaze. "I need to be alone."

"No, don't send me away, please don't send me away, I can't...this is exactly what I was most afraid of. You're leaving me."

Logan still wouldn't look at him. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Logan. Logan, _please."_

"James, I'm sorry. We'll talk about our future another day. Right now I can't get past the feeling that I've been in love with a lie."

"I'm not a fucking lie, I've never been more honest about who I am than right now in this moment!"

Logan shook his head slowly. "You should've done that a year ago."

* * *

How he made it to his car, James would never know. He fell into the driver's seat and commenced to shake violently, feeling like his world was splintering and there was nothing to hold on to. He'd lost Rush, he'd lost (though never really had) Kendall, and now he didn't even have the one person who was his strength and sanity. The person who kept him afloat had sent him away.

There was no one.

With difficulty he fumbled through his phone, trying to find the number of the only person he could think of who might still care about him.

"I know you want to talk to me, but I have a life so it's just gonna have to wait. Mom, I'm fine. Everyone else, I'll call you back when I feel like it. Later!"

"Fuck," James muttered, barely holding on as he hung up on Lucy's voicemail.

" _But will you take mine so that if you ever feel like you have nobody, you can call me?"_

 _Jennifer._ A yearning filled James for a mother like Jennifer, who would no doubt accept him as she had Kendall and tell him that everything would be okay. Somehow calling her to cry over the guy her son had just dumped didn't feel right, though. Why couldn't his own mother be accepting of him?

" _What she WILL say. Because you're going to tell her eventually."_

Rush had assumed that, but Rush didn't know his mother. Rush had told his family and been accepted with no problem. Logan hadn't had any issues with it, either. Why couldn't his mother be as awesome as the others?

Suddenly the thought of living here, of seeing Logan every day, of seeing Kendall every day...it was too much. He was tired of being alone. Mom may not ever accept him, but she would always take him back because he was her son. Not knowing where else to turn, James placed a call that he never thought he'd have the courage to.

"Jamie? Baby, I'm about to get on a conference call, can this wait?"

Only his mother would be on a conference call on a Sunday evening. "No," he croaked, then completely broke down into incoherent sobbing. "Can I come home?"


	24. Chapter 24

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

This chapter is much more tame emotionally than the last one. You get a break haha. Thanks for reading!

* * *

Kendall turned a corner and approached the building's entrance. A large, muscular guy stood guard facing the other way, intimidating Kendall so much that he almost changed his mind and turned tail. Just when he would have, though, a petite body stepped out from the man's shadow. "Hey! It's freezing out here, what took you so long?"

Once Kendall was close enough, he dragged her a few feet down the sidewalk and hissed, "This is a bar!"

"You're observant."

"Lucy, I can't go into a bar. I'm not old enough."

She waved a hand in dismissal. "You're with me, it's fine. Just don't get arrested for underage drinking, because people know me in there and that would make me look bad."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "I'm not stupid, I won't drink. But why here?"

"Because I was already on my way when you texted and I have a date with destiny. Come on, let's talk inside."

She dragged Kendall back to the entrance, where the big guy's face broke into a grin. "Your date finally here?"

"Ew. This guy's my cousin. Kendall, this is Dave. Dave, Kendall."

"Hey, nice to meetcha." Dave held out a hand, Kendall shaking it with a nervous smile.

"You too."

She pulled on his arm again. "Later, Dave!"

Kendall almost stumbled at the sudden movement, having much better control over his right leg now but even that couldn't defeat the storm that was Lucy. "Slow it down a bit, you've got a handicapped person on your hands."

"Oh please, you're fine." She continued to lead him further into the bar, which was loud, crowded, and smoky on a Sunday evening.

"Are we not stopping at the bar?" he yelled over the music.

"Nope. Back here."

Eventually they ended up in a smaller room off to the side, where the music was muted enough that they could speak in normal voices. Kendall felt better once they were seated in an old but cushy booth.

"You're upset, I can see it. Talk to me."

Resting his elbows on the table, Kendall leaned his head forward so it could rest against his hands. "I don't know where to start."

"Let me guess. You're dating Logan but you also fell in love with your online 'friend' and you don't know what to do."

Now he sat back in the booth and looked at her with a sigh. "Only one of those things is true."

Her gaze narrowed. "That you're dating Logan?"

"Try again."

Jaw dropping, she asked, "Did he dump you for James?"

Kendall's head fell back with a groan. "Of course you knew."

"Doesn't everybody?"

"Obviously not if he was dating me and James was determined that everyone think he's straight."

"Well, anyone with eyes can see that—oh, here she comes. Act natural."

Kendall frowned at her in confusion. Had he been acting any other way?

A slim blonde sauntered by their table with a tray of full glasses. "Hey, guys. Be right back."

"Take your time," Lucy smiled, head turning to look after her when she'd passed. "God, what I'd give to run my hands through that long, silky hair."

Now he leaned out to take a closer look at her retreating back. The woman's hair was in a ponytail. "That's destiny?"

"No, her name's Jo. Isn't she gorgeous?"

"I...didn't get a good look. She was facing you."

"Well, you will when she comes back to take our orders, so be nice."

"Like I'd be rude otherwise?"

"Just don't embarrass me. So the nerd dumped you for the pretty boy?"

"No, he did not. I actually dumped him."

That surprised her. "Why? Ohhhhh, because you fell in love with the online dude."

"Partly. I knew Logan wasn't the guy for me."

"I could've told you that the day we met."

This time Kendall's jaw dropped. "You told me to date him!"

"So?"

"So why would you tell me that if you didn't feel we were a good match?"

"I warned you he was into someone else."

"But you still—"

"Shhh, she's coming again." When Jo stopped next to the table a few seconds later, Lucy graced her with a welcoming smile. "Hey, you."

"Oh, hey. You were just in the other night, right?"

"Can't stay away from this place," Lucy joked. "Must be something in the beer."

Jo's voice lowered as she leaned in to confide, "No one's supposed to know about that."

Kendall's eyes widened, but the two women giggled as if it was the funniest joke ever told. _What did I get myself into?_

"Seriously, though, what will you have?"

"I'm going with Stella tonight. Can't go wrong with a good woman, right?"

Jo's pen stopped moving. Lips pursed, she lifted her gaze to Lucy. "No, I don't suppose you can."

Feeling awkwardly trapped in the middle of a bad movie, Kendall offered, "Did you know it's actually named after a star?"

Two pairs of eyes swung over to Kendall. Lucy looked like she wanted to strangle him. Jo, on the other hand, spoke politely. "And for you?"

"Uh...Coke. Coke is good."

"Coming right up."

With a swish of her ponytail, Jo spun away and toward the bar.

"Did you not see we were having a moment?!" Lucy hissed through gritted teeth. "What the hell was that? Who _cares_ what it's named after?"

"Well, I..." Kendall stared back at a loss. "Do you have to try to pick up on chicks with me here?"

"It's not like she works every night, I have to make good use of my time. Stop embarrassing me!"

"Okay, I'm sorry! I won't talk in her presence again."

"Thank you. So...where were we? Oh right, you dumped Logan because he's in love with James."

"Only partly."

"And because of the online dude."

"Yeah, that's..."

Seeing that Kendall was actually in some sort of emotional pain, she sighed and reached over to squeeze his hand once before pulling hers back. "Okay, start from the beginning."

"No, I think what I need to know first is why you'd encourage me to date someone you know I'm not right for."

Now Lucy hesitated. She settled back against the cushion and said, "You can't get mad."

"Which means I probably will."

"I was trying to help them. You know that without you, they would've just kept spinning their wheels forever. Stuck in that place where they were both in love but too comfortable and scared to take a step."

"So I was the catalyst? I was the...plot twist to shake things up?"

"Precisely. It worked, right? They got all crazy jealous and...wait, did they take that step? Are they finally dating?"

"I'm sure they will be by tomorrow. That's why I broke up with Logan, because I know they belong together."

"See, even you see it!"

Kendall shrugged, knowing she was right but that didn't make it hurt less. "How did you know James was gay?"

"I knew it the second he opened his mouth in my office."

"That's impossible. You can't tell someone's gay just from the way they talk. That's a total stereotype."

"I know, but with him...I just felt it. I just _knew._ The more we talked about his past and what he'd been through, I just...knew. What I didn't know was that he was in the closet, so I made the mistake of asking if he was seeing anyone. I said something like 'Is there a special guy in your life?' He freaked, dude. Like I'd accused him of murder or something. He started to deny it but I knew better so I told him it was fine, that I wouldn't tell anyone and he just got more upset until he finally stormed out. Avoided me ever since. I'd see him around with Logan, see how they looked at each other, and I mean I knew Logan was gay. It was obvious those two were head over heels. James just needed to get the stick out of his ass and accept his sexuality for them to move forward."

"And I was the tool that would make that happen."

"Your word, not mine." Her face lit up at the approach of Jo. "Thanks. Might want some food in a bit, so feel free to keep checking in."

After setting down both glasses, Jo smiled at Lucy. "Count on it."

Kendall was too caught up in Lucy's revelation to pay much attention to the flirting going on. He sipped at his Coke and waited until Jo was gone to ask, "Is that why you wanted to come to the movie? Because you thought it would happen there?"

"The big blow-up? Yeah, I figured James having to sit there with you two for hours would be too much for him. I admit part of it was just needing to be right, to have that moment of vindication when he admitted the truth. I mean, if you'd seen him in that office, he was livid that I would dare to insinuate he might be gay. So yeah, I wanted to be there when he cracked. But by the time that date actually happened, it was more that I wanted to be there for him. Remember when I went after him at lunch on Friday?"

Kendall remembered it well, especially the way James had come back with the news he welcomed Lucy on their date. He nodded.

"James didn't know I was gay. No idea how he missed that with all the rumors flying around the place, but he didn't. So when I went after him, I told him I was and that all I wanted was for him to be happy. That I knew how he felt about Logan and I knew how hard it was for him to watch Logan get close to you, and that if he needed a friend I was there. Next thing I know he's hugging me and trying not to break down and telling me that he's sorry, that he totally needs a friend, and he doesn't know how he's going to survive the movie thing. Obviously I told him I wanted to be there for support, and the rest is history."

"So when I made that comment to you about how I was thinking Logan might be into James, you were just humoring me to agree."

"No, not at all. I did agree with you." After a pause in which she gulped down beer, she asked, "You pissed at me?"

Did he have a right to be angry? Probably. Lucy had manipulated the entire thing. Kendall couldn't deny that he probably would've asked Logan out eventually, though; she'd just given him the kick in the pants he needed. Kendall let out a frustrated groan. "No. I just...I wish I'd known all of that going into it."

"You wouldn't have asked Logan out."

"Exactly."

"They wouldn't be getting together right now."

The thought broke Kendall's heart a little. "Yeah."

Again showing a rarely-seen touch of compassion, she squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry. I know you liked Logan a lot. But you still got your online dude, right?"

And now Kendall's heart broke a lot. "Lucy...there's so much more to tell you."

"Well, with those hips walking around in tight jeans, I'm not leaving anytime soon. Hungry?"

"Are you just looking for an excuse to talk to her again?"

"Does it matter? Are you hungry?"

He hadn't thought about food in hours. There'd been breakfast ( _with James, don't think about that kiss_ ), and then they were considering an early dinner when James called. Or maybe Logan was calling on James' phone. Really, it didn't matter who was calling, it had been enough to send Kendall's world crashing down and then food was the last thing on his mind. He'd sent his family away with the promise that he would explain later, thanked his mother profusely for the gift of the skate that would be ready in a week, and then sat down to compose the most difficult email he'd ever had to write, crying through most of it. He totally deserved unhealthy, greasy junk food. "I am, actually. Is there a menu?"

"We'll ask Jo," Lucy grinned, excited to have a reason to flag her down. Jo of course rushed over.

"Ready to eat?"

"Always," Lucy smirked. "What do you recommend?"

"Our buffalo wings are the best in town, but that's just a personal opinion. Let me grab you some menus."

"Take your time."

Kendall barely refrained from rolling his eyes at the way Lucy watched her walk away. The truth was if it had been James, he wouldn't be any better.

 _James._ He found it ironic that now he would be the one having to watch someone he loved dating another. Two someones, because even though he'd never quite gotten to that head-over-heels point with Logan, he'd come close. Given time and the absence of James, Kendall thought it might've happened eventually. Without James he wouldn't have known anything was missing.

Yet because of James, he hadn't fully appreciated what Logan had to offer.

"Stop that."

"What?" Kendall looked up.

"You're sulking. Tell me what happened with the online guy. Did he dump you?"

"Nope. I dumped him."

"Okay, that doesn't make any sense at all," Lucy replied with exasperation. "Now you're just lonely. Why would you give up both? Why get rid of the guy who wrote you dirty emails that made you glow?"

"Because he's in love with someone else."

"Seriously? You fell for two guys in love with someone else? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"That's a good question." Kendall studied the menu, deciding a burger and fries were exactly what he needed.

"I'm thinking of trying those buffalo wings. Maybe some fries with that. Oh look, they have fried pickles. Want to share an order?"

"Why not?" He'd gotten to that "whatever" stage where thinking hurt too much.

"Cool. Okay, so...wings, fries, pickles...damn, that pie looks good. What kind of bar serves pie like that? So who's your dude in love with?"

Though it was difficult to talk about, Kendall thought her reaction might make it worth it just this once. Watching Lucy closely, he answered, "Logan."

Just as he'd expected, her face froze and her hand stopped moving halfway toward the beer glass. She slowly lifted eyes from the menu. "What?"

"Logan. Turns out my online buddy...is James."

"You guys decide what you want?"

Lucy barely even glanced at Jo. "Give us a minute."

"Uh...sure. Just let me know when you're ready."

Kendall waited out the silence from her while she worked it out in her head. "James? You've been talking to James online? The Rush dude, the one who wanted you to fuck him against a wall?"

"Actually, I'm Rush. He uses a different name. I had no idea it was him until today, when my phone informed me that he shares a number with my dude. I had no choice, Lucy. I couldn't keep them apart because then I knew for sure how he felt about Logan, and Logan told me last night how he felt about James. You get it, right?"

"Oh, you beautiful tortured soul. You did the noble thing."

Kendall swallowed down Coke. "That's me, always the knight," he muttered.

"Wow." She fell back against the peeling vinyl. "All this time it was James? How did you not know?"

"I assumed the guy lived far away. And as far as I knew, James was straight. And we didn't talk about anything that would identify us, we wanted it to be anonymous. I mean, the signs were there, I feel stupid for not seeing it sooner, but...I wanted to believe in the fantasy, I guess. He made me feel things Logan never did. That's partly how I knew Logan wasn't right for me."

"Only partly?"

"Well, mostly. The rest was when I kissed James today at breakfast. He is literally everything I want in a man. Nothing missing."

Lucy digested that. "Why did he kiss you?"

"I ambushed him. I was dying to know what it would be like to kiss him."

"I thought you hated him. I mean, if you didn't know it was him online, and you two just argued all the time in person..."

"There were...moments. Things. I knew he wanted me."

"Even in person?"

"Yeah. It's complicated. I'd already suspected he wasn't completely straight. We were basically flirting from the moment we were introduced. Only...I don't know. It was all mixed up with resentment because of Logan. Bottom line is I fell in love with him because he was open and honest with me online. In person, I _wanted_ him. So much that it was torture to be around him. And then we kissed and...Lucy, oh my god. What if I never find that again?"

"Oh boy. Okay, I'm gonna need food for this. And another beer." She glanced around the room, catching Jo's eye and inviting her over with a smile. "Sorry if I was rude earlier, my cousin here had just dropped a bomb on me."

"Oh, it's fine!" Jo grinned. "Cousin, eh?"

"Yep, this is Kendall. I'm Lucy, by the way."

"Lucy. Hello."

"Hey."

The way they were grinning at each other told Kendall they'd be exchanging numbers before the night was through. Why was everyone finding love but him?

 _You found it. It just wasn't the right one. As badly as you want him to be, James isn't the one._

Despair filled Kendall again. He'd so wanted James to be the one. The moment they'd kissed, he knew he couldn't live without that in his life.

 _Well, now you have to. Get used to it. They deserve to be together._

"Kendall? You still with us?"

"Yeah, sorry." Shoving the sadness away, he ordered food that wouldn't cure his heartache, but might help him forget it for a few minutes.

* * *

"Walk me to my car?"

"Of course."

Kendall followed Lucy out into the cold night, glad he'd donned a hoodie before leaving the apartment earlier. They said goodnight to Dave before she asked, "Did you drive?"

"No."

"I'll take you home then."

"You don't have to."

"Shut up and get in the car."

Kendall knew better than to argue with that tone. Once they were closed in she started the engine and cranked up the heater.

"Lucy, you can't tell anyone about this."

"I told you, what we talk about is confidential."

"Yet you just spilled everything James said in your office."

"The cat was already out of the bag, it's fine."

"That's a slippery slope of ethics."

"Oh be quiet, you were dying to know. And I promise, I won't say anything to anyone. Not as your counselor, and not as your friend."

Kendall smiled. It was good to have a friend. "Thanks."

A block away she asked, "Do they know? About the online thing?"

"No. They can't find out."

"So...what excuse did you give James for not talking to him anymore?"

"I didn't really give a reason. He knew I was seeing someone, so I just kind of...hoped he would assume it was that."

"You know he's gotta be crushed."

A vision of James' red and lost eyes returned to him. "Yeah. It was hard to say goodbye, especially knowing he wouldn't understand and would hate me. But he's got Logan now."

Lucy nodded slowly. "You told me once you couldn't give up the online dude."

"Well, I don't have a choice. Turn right up here."

She continued to ponder the situation while following directions. "You said you kissed him?"

"Yeah."

"How did he react?"

"Exactly like I'd imagined in all of my daydreams."

"So he's attracted to you. Not just Rush or whatever, but _you."_

"Definitely."

"And you think that's just gonna go away?"

"I think I was a substitute for Logan. There's no way his feelings for me come close to that."

"Do his feelings for Rush?"

"Again, I was a substitute. If he'd had a choice, it would've been Logan he wanted to do all of that with. And now he can."

"Left at this light?"

"Yeah."

"He called earlier, you know. When you were in the bathroom."

"James?"

Lucy nodded. "I didn't answer, I figured he was just calling to tell me he and Logan were finally together. That can wait for tomorrow, you needed me more."

"Thanks." Needing to move away from the heavy topic, he asked, "So did anything else happen when I was in the bathroom?"

"Yep," Lucy grinned. "I got a number."

"I knew you would. She's into you."

"Yeah? It's not just my imagination?"

"Nah. Take her out. You'll be running your hands through that hair in no time."

"I sure hope so." Kendall pointed her to an apartment building on the right and she turned into the lot. "Hey, thanks for coming out tonight. I'm glad you were there."

"My reasons were purely selfish."

"Still, your presence gave me the guts to go through with it."

"Glad I could help. Thank you for listening."

"It's what I do." She leaned over to kiss his cheek after pulling to a stop. "So what's next for you?"

"Probably bed. That pie was a bad idea, I feel like a brick is weighing down my stomach."

"No, I mean as far as romance."

"Oh. Well, once I get over James, I guess I'll look for someone else. The guy I'm meant to be with has to be somewhere, right?"

"He's around," Lucy agreed. "Just...keep your eyes open."

"Yeah yeah."

"I'm serious. And don't avoid James just because you want him."

"It's hard to be around him and not show that. He asked me to keep my distance because he's attracted to me, too, and doesn't want to lose Logan."

Lucy's head tilted as she stared at him. "Really."

"It means nothing. Sure, there's attraction, but that's not enough for a relationship."

"But he said he was in love with you? On the chat thing?"

Kendall shook his head. "Substitute. What he really wanted was Logan. Even you agreed with that."

"I did," she nodded. "Well, don't be a stranger. Come save me from boredom in third period tomorrow."

"Deal," Kendall grinned. He leaned over to hug her, surprising her into returning it. "Thanks, Lucy."

"You're gonna be okay."

"I know. I just...I really miss him. Nobody makes me feel the way he does."

"I'm sorry."

He shrugged as he pulled back from the hug. "They're meant to be. I was the catalyst. Everything happens for a reason."

"Right, but is it a good or bad reason?"

Kendall shook his head. "Not even worth thinking about."

When he finally made it to bed, sleep wouldn't come. Instead Kendall laid awake feeling their kisses, and the second one kept trying to crowd into his brain no matter what else he put there in its place. Something about that second kiss had been even more amazing than the first. It had been more tame, but with just as much passion. It was the kind of kiss he'd imagined sharing with King after mind-blowing sex.

God, he wanted that. All of it, he wanted it so bad.

His computer called out to him. His _phone_ called out to him. He'd already gotten rid of James' number (in both slots because he didn't trust himself, and James had asked him to delete it after today). Now he needed to also get rid of the chat program; the temptation to contact James was too hard to resist.

 _Like he'd even be paying attention to his phone? He's probably in bed with Logan right now, doing all the things you wanted to do with him. The things you wanted to do with Logan._

"This fucking sucks. I need a man."

Kendall's thumb hovered over the icon for the chat program. One hard press would make it disappear. It wasn't like James would want to hear from him again anyway, he'd burned that bridge and broken the man's heart. But it was all for the greater good, because it cleared the path to Logan. They'd both been suffering for a year and they deserved to have their time.

He'd live with it. He loved them both in different ways and he'd live with it for the sake of their happiness. It was what any knight would do.

What kept Kendall from deleting the app was the thought that one day James might need him. Not him, but Rush. Because even though they were finally getting what they both wanted, no relationship was perfect. One day James might need a friend.

 _He's got Lucy. It's her job to listen._

True, but Lucy couldn't be everything he needed. More than one opinion was necessary in life.

 _Stop it, Kendall. You're finding excuses. Just get rid of the damn thing so you don't cave and message him. Let him have the love he deserves._

The advice was good. By the time he fell asleep an hour later, though, Kendall hadn't followed it. He couldn't bring himself to sever that tie to the man he'd fallen in love with.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So I just wrote what I knew from the beginning would be the hardest scene of this entire story, and it's done and I'm happy. To celebrate, I'm posting another chapter! :D Love you guys! Thanks for reading!

* * *

The bell rang to signal the start of third period, and Kendall waved at the coach who always covered his free time. He had a date with Lucy in the guidance counselor's office.

He'd barely slept, grimacing earlier that morning when he studied his face in the mirror. Dark circles under his eyes and an unhealthy pallor to his skin. Maybe Lucy would be okay with him sneaking off to catch an hour of sleep in his car instead.

Three steps outside the gym, his phone buzzed at his hip. Lucy, most likely. He rolled his eyes imagining her already wondering where he was and assuming he was avoiding her. He had a snotty greeting at his lips when he caught sight of the display.

It wasn't Lucy. It was Logan.

Neither he nor James had come to work today, and Kendall had spent most of the morning trying to block out images of them in bed together. He supposed they deserved one day to themselves after a year of yearning for this moment, but it didn't make the visions any less painful.

Bracing himself, because Logan was probably calling to thank him for pushing them together, Kendall answered as he walked. "Hey."

"Hi. This is your free period, right?"

"Yep. Taking a sick day today?"

"Yeah, I...needed some time to think."

That didn't sound like a man who'd just had the best night of his life. "About James?"

"Obviously. I'm kind of...I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which way to go."

"What kind of crossroads?" Kendall frowned. There shouldn't be any question about which road Logan should take. James was his destination.

Silence was Kendall's answer. He slowed his pace, realizing this might be a longer call than he'd anticipated and not wanting to have it in Lucy's office. "Logan?"

"How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"How did you know he was gay?"

"James? There were signs."

"Kendall, I was his best friend for a year and I didn't know. We spent almost every day together and I saw no signs. How the hell did you see it in a week?"

"Well, to be honest, it's not just me. I'm sure you've heard the rumors at school."

"You know those rumors aren't based in fact most of the time."

"Lucy saw it the second she met him."

"Lucy?"

Why was the word spoken with such venom? "Yeah. She told me last night that's why they fought the first time they met. Because she assumed he was gay and he freaked out. He wasn't ready to tell anyone."

"Okay fine, but that was a year ago. He's had an entire year to come out to me, Kendall. Me, the guy he was in love with. Why would he hide that from me?"

"Because he was scared. Not just of you, but the whole world. He's got a lot on the line with his career, and even though times have changed, it still impacts someone's career."

"His career? You mean as a teacher?"

"No, as a singer. A performer."

"I...didn't know he was still wanting to do that."

"Why else would he write songs?"

More silence before the soft reply. "He writes songs?"

 _Fuck._ Kendall was just digging himself deeper, but how did Logan not know this? Had James really not shared this side of himself with the man he loved?

"Kendall, how do you know he writes songs?"

A stroke of genius flashed into his brain. "He told my mom. At the game. That he's still planning to be an artist and release music." That wasn't a lie, as his mother had shared that with him.

"Oh. So...more things he just never told me."

"Logan, please try to understand. He was terrified to come out."

"But why to me? Come on, Kendall, I'm his best friend! I'm the man he supposedly wants to spend his life with!"

"You _are_ all of those things."

"So then why hide the most important parts of himself from me? I feel like I don't even know him!"

"Dude, it's _because_ you're those things that he was so terrified to tell you. It would change everything and he couldn't stand to lose you."

"But I love him! He wouldn't have lost me!"

"He didn't know that! You were too important to take that risk!" Realizing he was getting strange looks from those he passed in the hall, Kendall lowered his voice. "His worst fear is losing you, you know that. Why didn't you ever tell him how you feel?"

"Because..."

When Logan trailed off, Kendall nodded. "Exactly. Because you were afraid to lose him, too. Logan...what happened after I left last night? I know you were both upset but I was hoping one of you would get the courage to admit your feelings."

"He did," Logan murmured.

"He did?" Even through the sadness that he'd officially lost what might have been the man of his dreams, Kendall smiled. "I'm so proud of him. So you guys are good, right? Everything's finally falling into place?"

"Well..."

Kendall halted just outside Lucy's office door, his stomach dropping. "Well what?"

"I...I was hurt. Angry. Because he's been lying to me from the start. But I have a right to be hurt!"

"You do, of course you do, but...Logan...you didn't...he's there with you right now, right?"

Logan paused. "He didn't show up today?"

"Oh my god. Logan, oh my god, tell me you didn't reject him." He'd called Lucy the night before. What if he'd been...?

"I told him I needed to be alone."

"Oh shit. Shit, Logan, where is he now?"

"I don't...I assumed he was there."

"Call him. Call him right fucking now and tell him that you want him. He probably spent the night alone thinking he'd never see you again and..." Kendall didn't want to think about how that might've gone.

"I do want him," Logan admitted. "I was just so hurt."

"I know. Tell him that, he'll understand. He just needs to know that you love him and he's not losing you. Please, Logan. Call him right now."

"You don't think..."

"You know him better than I do."

"Oh, fuck. Kendall, I gotta—"

"Go. And let me know he's okay."

The call was disconnected, Kendall pushing out a breath. What the hell was wrong with these two? He'd opened the door and set them both on the path and they still managed to get lost along the way.

Lucy greeted him with a smile that died when she noted his expression. "What now?"

Kendall shut the door and started pacing slowly. "I need you to call James. Put it on speaker."

"Why don't you call him?"

"Because I don't want him to know I'm worried about him. And he's probably on the phone with Logan anyway."

"So then...?"

"Lucy, please, just do it. Even if all we get is 'I can't talk right now', I need to hear his voice and know he's okay."

"What the hell is going on?"

Kendall's motion stopped as he spun to face her. "Logan rejected him last night."

"What?!"

Her outrage made him feel a little better about his own. "James came out to him and told him how he feels, and Logan sent him away."

Her shocked face matched the tone of her next question. "What the hell is wrong with them?"

"Right?! Just call him, because when he called you last night he was probably upset and now he feels like he has nobody. He lost Logan, he lost me, and he doesn't have anyone else."

"Shit." Rather than use the office phone, Lucy called from her cell and put it on speaker; he'd be more apt to ignore a call from the school.

"Thanks for calling, but you're about twelve hours too late."

They both breathed a sigh of relief at James' annoyed tone. "I'm sorry, James. I was out last night when you called and had things going on and...are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You didn't come in today."

"Yeah well...it's been a rough few days."

Kendall sank down in the chair across from Lucy and rubbed his face. The emptiness in James' tone tugged at his heart and made him want to run across town to hold him.

"Want to talk about it?" Lucy asked gently.

"No. I just want to forget everything."

"Is it Logan? Are he and Kendall more serious now?" She knew that wasn't the case, but it might get him talking.

"Logan and Kendall are done."

"Oh. That's...good, right?"

"It would be if Logan wasn't done with me, too."

"James, I'm sure you're—"

"Don't say I'm wrong, because I'm not. I did what you wanted. I told him how I feel. I told him everything."

Now James was getting choked up. It killed Kendall.

"And?"

"And I fucked up. He doesn't want to see me again."

Kendall shook his head so fast it made him dizzy and mouthed, "Not true."

"I'm sure he does, James. You're probably just reading too much into what he said. Why wouldn't he want to be with you? Is it because of Kendall?"

"No, it's because I lied to him for a year. It's all my fault. I just need to...step back and clear my head and...start over. Again."

Kendall didn't like the sound of that. "Did Logan call?" he whispered.

"Have you heard from Logan since?" Lucy tried.

"I'm not taking his calls. He said everything that needed to be said last night, and I know he's just calling to tell me we can't be friends. I can't bear to hear it. What? Sorry, Mom, the box of bathroom stuff is in that corner. Thanks."

Kendall's eyes widened. Mom? His _mother_ was there? Oh, this really couldn't be good at all. "Why is Mom there?" Kendall hissed as quietly as he could.

"Did you say Mom? James...what's going on?"

"I'm sorry, Lucy. I wish I hadn't been such a dick to you a year ago, we wasted a whole year that we could've been friends. You were right then, I should've just come out, but I was stupid and scared and...now it's cost me everything. I'm moving back home."

Kendall shot out of the chair, unable to keep from blurting, "No."

Lucy waved a hand to shush him. "No," she echoed. "That's the coward's way out. You're not a coward, James, you're one of the bravest people I know."

"I'm shit, Lucy. I hurt my best friend, and I chased away a perfectly wonderful guy that could've been everything I need, and I even...well, never mind. He doesn't matter. I fucked up and I'm going home and I'm going to be a better person from now on."

That was it. Kendall opened his mouth to speak, not caring if James was mad that he was listening in because what he had to say was more important than whatever hissy fit James might throw.

"Sweetheart? Someone just knocked at the door."

The female voice came through loud and clear, both Lucy and Kendall staring at each other across the desk with hope in their gazes.

"I'm not really in the mood for company."

"It's probably the landlord, he said he would come up and do a final walkthrough with you before we left."

"Fuck," James muttered. "Lucy, I'm sorry, I have to go. I'll text you when I get back home, maybe we can at least still talk here and there. Thanks again for being a friend. I'll send in my resignation tomorrow."

"Dude...Logan loves you. I know he does. Please give him a chance to apologize before you run."

"Bye, Lucy."

"Oh my god," Kendall breathed once the call ended. "Oh my god, that better be Logan at the door."

"What if it's not?"

"I'm gonna wait about fifteen minutes and then call him. If it is him, I don't want to interrupt. This is hell. James is leaving? He's fucking _leaving?"_

"He thinks nobody wants him."

"And that's partly my fault, but dammit Logan, you were supposed to be there to catch him. Why are they so stupid?"

Lucy sat back in her chair and put her feet up on the desk. "What are you gonna do if it's not Logan?"

"I'll go over there. I'm not letting the asshole leave. There's no way in hell." When Lucy's answer was a knowing smirk, he glared. "For Logan's sake."

"Sure. You uh...contacted him yet? Online?"

"No, of course not. That's done."

"I'm just saying, if you have no other choice, I bet Rush could talk him into staying."

Kendall closed his eyes and bit his lip. He'd bet Rush could, too.

* * *

Logan thought he had the wrong apartment when a woman answered the door. "Oh, sorry, I—" No, this was definitely the right one; he'd been here a million times. "I'm looking for James?"

Hazel eyes that were a match to James' narrowed. "Would you be the boy who broke my son's heart?"

"Oh god," Logan sighed, lowering his head. That was why she looked familiar. He'd wondered if the day would ever come that he met Brooke Diamond, and had in fact dreaded it after recalling her interviews during James' time on "National Pop Star." The woman was a force to be reckoned with.

"I'll take that as a yes."

He stood up straighter, remembering something James had once said about how his mother respected those who didn't cow to her. "Yes. Hello. It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"I've heard plenty about you over the past year. Should have guessed that my son was gay, the way he gushed over you."

Logan blinked in shock. He'd told his mother? He was terrified of his mother. "Is he here?"

She stepped back. "He's in his bedroom gathering up the last of his shoes. He has so many. Don't keep him long, I'd like to be on the road in an hour."

After nodding automatically, because to disagree with Brooke was to take your life into your own hands, Logan entered the apartment. His breath stopped when he noted that it was empty other than boxes stacked around the room and the furniture that had been present when James moved in. "No," he managed.

"Go on. I'll give you two privacy."

By the time Logan made it to the bedroom, terror to a degree that even the fear of Brooke couldn't inspire had him hyperventilating. James was bent down reaching for something in the closet. "James."

It was barely more than a whisper, but James heard it. He spun around in surprise, feelings written all over his face before he could smooth it over into a mask of disinterest. "I thought you were at work."

"I thought _you_ were. Where are you going?"

He shrugged, resigned as he answered. "Home."

"This _is_ your home."

"No. This was just a rest stop along the way." Now James stood, taking a deep breath. "I'm glad you came over. I'm sorry I ignored your calls, but I was afraid if I talked to you, I'd just break down and say stupid shit. But this way I at least get to see you one more time and thank you for the kindness that you showed me. No one's ever been nice to me like that before without wanting something in return."

"I did want something."

"But you didn't think you'd ever get it and you were still nice to me anyway. Because you actually liked me. I'll never understand why, I'm such a dick most of the time."

"Because of your heart. I loved your heart."

"Most people think I have no heart."

"Most people haven't been lucky enough to see it." Logan hesitantly approached, closing the distance between them until he could place his palm flat against James' chest. "You showed it to me and I couldn't look away."

James fought the storm of emotion raging to get out. "I just kept the most important thing from you."

"It really was a big deal, you know."

"I know. So big a deal that I was scared."

"You don't ever need to be scared with me, James. I'm always going to accept you, even when I'm mad at you."

"You didn't last night."

"I just needed time. I needed to process everything. It hurt a lot that you couldn't trust me. Especially when you told me Lucy knew."

"You _are_ jealous of her."

Logan shrugged. "I'm jealous of anyone that gets close to you."

James swallowed and looked away. "We're even on that."

Now the other hand joined the first so that Logan could run both up James' chest until they met behind his neck. "There's a reason for that, you know." It was clear that James was fighting to keep his hands to himself. Using his thumbs, Logan caressed the sides of his neck. "It's called love."

"I loved you from the moment you sat me down at your table and served me orange chicken."

Logan smiled softly. "We're even on that, too. You were right last night. We shouldn't throw something like this away just because I was hurt. What we have...it's more than a moment in time. It's more than your sexuality or your fear."

"It's everything," James whispered, unable to stand staring into Logan's eyes anymore because he didn't trust himself to keep his distance.

"It's everything," Logan echoed, and finally after more than a year of wondering, he knew what James' lips tasted like.

That was too much to fight. The second their lips met, James' hands moved up to cradle Logan's face so that he could kiss him harder. Logan seemed surprised by the aggression but allowed it, knowing James had been holding in these feelings as long as he had.

"So I take it all of this packing was a waste of time?" a voice drawled from the doorway.

They both laughed, embarrassed at being caught. Logan's lips were slightly swollen in a way that James found delicious. "Sorry, Mom. Plans just changed."

Still staring up at James, Logan commented, "It doesn't have to be a waste of time. You practically live at my place anyway. Why not make it official?"

James' breath caught. "Are you serious? You want me to move in?"

"We've already wasted a year. I don't want to lose any more time."

The sheer happiness on James' face filled Logan's heart with warmth. "I promise I'll share the blankets."

"Why start now?" Logan teased. He spun around and approached Brooke. "Hi, I don't think we've officially met. I'm James' boyfriend. Logan."

She nodded slowly, admiring his newfound confidence. "I'll need a new address to give the movers."

"And I'll need to make room for the mountain of clothes and shoes in my closet."

James bit his lip. "Sorry about that."

Logan grinned back at him. "Don't be sorry. You're worth it."


	26. Chapter 26

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I know I just posted yesterday, but I'm getting so much writing done yesterday and today that I'm cool with that. I so appreciate you guys for reading! This chapter wraps things up for all of them, and then we'll have a time jump. Really hope you're enjoying this!

* * *

Moving James' belongings into Logan's apartment took up the entire afternoon. Logan sat him down for a few minutes to fill out the application as a new tenant, and when he nervously questioned, "What if I get turned down?" Logan reminded him it was just a formality and that the landlord had stated it was basically a done deal.

"Stop worrying about everything," Logan smiled. "This is meant to be."

Because James felt the same way, his answer was a grin before he leaned in to press a kiss to Logan's lips.

Brooke ended up demanding that James stay with her at the hotel that night, which confused him until they were alone for dinner at James' favorite cafe. It was one much of the faculty frequented because it was close to campus and the food and service was fantastic. Brooke sniffed her nose at it but indulged James, who led her to the booth he normally shared with Logan.

"I promise, Mom, you'll love it. Try the nachos."

"James, I have never had a nacho in my life."

"Then I'm getting that and you have to try some of it."

Though she rolled her eyes, she opened her menu and appeared to study it, but then murmured, "So you've decided this is a good idea."

"I'm telling you, you'll wish you'd eaten nachos sooner."

Her head whipped up with an exasperated expression. "I'm talking about Logan, darling. The boy did break your heart, or have you forgotten that already?"

"Ugh." His head fell back on the sound. "Is that why you wanted me to stay with you tonight? So you could interrogate me?"

"I canceled my conference call and all of the meetings I had scheduled today to come help you. You owe me time."

James supposed that was true. "I really do appreciate it. Thank you."

An eyebrow arched. "Well. At least the boy has taught you some manners."

"He's taught me lots of things, Mom. He makes me a better person. He got me in touch with my heart."

"And then stole it away." When James only shrugged, eyes on his menu, she blew her straw wrapper at him. James looked up in shock to see her smirking at him.

"Did you just...Mom, since when do you sink to that level of immaturity?"

"I'm too old to miss an opportunity like that. Life moves pretty fast."

"And now you're quoting Ferris Bueller. Mom, are you feeling okay? I expected you to be pissed that I'm gay."

"Well, it wasn't the thing I wanted most to hear from my son, but I'm glad you found the courage to finally tell me. How long did you hide that from me?"

James braced himself, wondering how to explain it. He was saved a reply by the appearance of their server, not at all surprised when his mother ordered a salad and some sort of fruit concoction. James went with nachos and mozzarella sticks, asking for an extra plate so they could share. Once the server took back their menus and moved away, Brooke stared at James expectantly.

"Okay, well...the thing is I wasn't positive until recently."

"How is that possible?"

"I fell for Logan almost right away. We'd met up in the lounge and even though he didn't really catch my eye, he was kind to me. I don't know, it...made me look at him differently. But that didn't mean I was gay, necessarily. One guy doesn't make you gay, just...curious maybe?"

Brooke nodded, conceding that. "So you're saying that now you know because you've been attracted to other men?"

"Yeah."

She chewed on that while sipping water through a straw. "I have to admit that I was very surprised by Logan's appearance."

"Why?" James frowned.

"The news that you were gay surprised me in itself, but once I accepted that I pictured what he must look like. I kept getting an image of someone who looked more like...oh, what was his name? That hockey boy you were obsessed with. Knight, I think?"

All the blood drained from James' face. "Kendall?"

"Yes! That boy."

"Mom, I was not obsessed with him! Why would you bring him up?"

"James, you lived and breathed the arts for most of your life. It was your identity. But the one thing that could pull you away from it was hockey, and your favorite player was the Knight boy. You used to gush over his talent and the plays he made all the time. Honestly I wonder now how I didn't see the gay thing then."

"It wasn't like that! It was about hockey!"

"Be that as it may, you were enthralled with that boy. Are you going to sit here and tell me you don't still keep up with his career?" she smirked with a knowing grin.

This had to be his worst nightmare. "He doesn't play anymore. He had an injury."

"Oh." The grin died. "Well, that's a shame. He had a promising career ahead of him."

"Yeah. Can we stop talking about Kendall now? Please?"

"Yes yes, fine. So tell me what it is you like about this Logan. Why is he worth the risk of having your heart broken again?"

"It's hard to put into words," James admitted, grateful that the appetizer arrived and gave him something to look at besides his mother's direct stare. "Logan cares about me. He looks out for me. Accepts me even when I'm at my worst."

"Isn't that what I do?"

"Yes, Mom, but...it's so much more than that. What we have is so special. I almost ruined it and he was mad, but he still gave me another chance. He loves me."

"He does seem to," she agreed softly. "His face when he saw the empty living room...he was whiter than a ghost."

"I would've been the same way if he was suddenly going to disappear. Last night when he made me leave after I'd told him my feelings..." James shuddered just thinking about it, and how close he'd come to losing his rock.

"But that's my point. If he loves you so much, why wouldn't he be happy with the news?"

"I told you, he felt betrayed. Like I'd lied to him. I _did_ lie to him."

"You said he kept his feelings from you as well."

"He did, but he never kept it from me that he was gay. And that's what hurt him so much."

"A lie's a lie, darling. There aren't degrees of deception."

"I think there are. Lying to protect someone is allowed."

"Until that person finds out the truth. Then that leaves you where you were last night, a sobbing mess on the phone with your mother."

James sighed and popped the last of the cheese sticks in his mouth. "I don't expect you to understand it. He loves me. I love him. That's all that matters. We've wasted an entire year that we could've been happy together and we're changing that now."

"But you _were_ happy together, right? Even without the romance? You talked about him all the time as if you were with him constantly."

"I pretty much was. And yes, we were happy. This is a natural step, Mom. It's meant to be."

"I hope you're right. He does seem like a nice young man who will treat you well. I guess that's all a mother can ask for. But darling...I still think you should keep your sexuality under wraps. It will ruin your career once you get that going again."

James bit his lip, having had the same thought. "I'll worry about that when the time comes."

"Are you still attempting to write songs?"

"I have four now. No wait, five. I wrote another while waiting for you to get here last night."

"That's half an album!" she exclaimed, pride suffusing her features. "I'm proud of you, James. I was against this move from the start, but it does seem to have..." Her face changed, something catching her eye near the front of the cafe. "Is that...? No, that would be too much of a coincidence."

Knowing his mother regularly ran into people she knew all the time due to her work, James let the comment pass. "It has helped me grow. Logan especially has...Mom, can you pay attention to me while I'm talking?"

"Sorry, darling, but I could swear that's..."

"Logan is patient with me, even when I say the wrong thing or...Mother, I'm speaking to you."

"If he would just turn around for a second..." She suddenly gasped. "It is! James, I'm about to make your biggest dream come true. Well, second biggest. Don't move."

"Mom! What the hell?"

She was gone, though. James spun around in his booth to watch her approach the front register, exasperated beyond belief. She was always doing this, making him feel like someone else was more important, and this was why he valued Logan so much. Logan made sure he was number one. Logan...

All coherent thought ceased when his mother turned back toward him and pulled someone away from the small group of patrons congested near the entrance. "No," was all he was capable of. He'd been wrong earlier. _This_ was his worst nightmare.

"Darling, look! It's Kendall Knight!"

"Oh my god," James uttered, wanting to crawl under the table and die. "Mom. No, you don't—"

Kendall's face shifted into shock when he realized who he was being led toward. "Hey."

"My son has been a fan of your skills for years. You should've heard the way he carried on about you when you joined his favorite team. It was Knight this, Knight that...James, don't be rude. Stand up."

"Mom..." There was nothing else to do. James buried his hot, beet-red face in the arms crossed over each other in front of him. Hearing the amusement in Kendall's voice when he spoke, James wished he could wake up from this nightmare.

"Mrs...Diamond, is it? We've actually met. James works at the high school with me."

A hard smack landed on his shoulder. "You work with him? Why didn't you tell me that before I made a fool of myself?"

Finally James looked up, avoiding Kendall's face to look into hers. "I didn't know who you were talking about."

"Still, we talked about him not even five minutes ago and you never mentioned that you knew him!"

One of Kendall's eyebrows rose. Oh, this was just getting worse and worse. "It was nothing important," he mumbled to Kendall.

A body squeezed by his mother and Kendall to set down plates heaped with food. "Let me know if you need anything else. Will you be joining them, sir?"

"Me?" Kendall asked. "Oh no, I—"

"Nonsense, let me buy you dinner. It's the least I can do for the moments of joy you gave my son every time you won a game for that team."

James shook his head at Kendall in panic. He offered her a gracious smile and said, "I'd love to, but I just came in to pick up my order before heading home."

"So your food is ready, you can join us."

"I'm so sorry, I have plans later this evening and I need to get going." The server left them, satisfied that she wouldn't be needed at the moment, and Kendall smiled down at James hesitantly. "Actually, James, I'm glad I ran into you. I was concerned when you didn't show up today. You doing okay?"

"I'm good," he nodded, finally forcing himself to face the green eyes that sent his stomach into motion. "Things are going to work out the way I'd hoped."

"That's a relief. I'm happy for you."

Seeing that Kendall truly was, James allowed his lips to curve up for a moment. "Thanks. I think in some way you brought all this about, so...I'm sorry it ended the way it did for you, but..."

"No, this is best. You two are meant to be."

"We are," James agreed. "I moved in with Logan today."

"Oh. Wow, you two don't waste any time."

"On the contrary, we wasted an entire year."

Kendall conceded that with a nod. "Well, Mrs. Diamond, it was a pleasure to meet you."

"And you too, young man. James tells me you're no longer skating?"

"Not professionally. I coach now. In fact, I'm having a prosthetic skate made so that I can get back on the ice at least in that capacity."

 _Shit. I never sent Jennifer that money._ James added that to his mental list of things to do before bed. The other thing on that list? Call Logan. Just to say I love you. God, it felt good to be able to say the words out loud.

"I'm glad you didn't let an injury keep you down. I admire that in a person. It was a pleasure meeting you, as well."

They shook hands, Kendall glancing over at James one more time. "See you around?"

"Hard not to when we work together."

"Right. Well...have a wonderful evening, you two."

"Kendall, are you sure you can't join us? I'm only in town tonight."

Kendall hesitated, silently questioning James. James made it clear the option was off the table. "I think it's best I get going. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Brooke seated herself after he'd moved away. "What a nice young man. You couldn't even stand up for him?"

"I see him every day, Mom. And did you really have to embarrass me by telling him what a huge fan I was?"

"You've never told him that? How did you hide it?"

"Long story. Can we get back to Logan now?"

"Oh fine, fine. James, I don't want any of those nachos. Quit piling them onto a plate for me."

"You're trying them. Two bites and I'll let you off the hook."

She rolled her eyes but acquiesced. "What else would you like to say about Logan?"

"Just that he's so patient with me, even when I say the wrong thing or act like a jerk, he still loves me."

"Does he scold you for it?"

"What do you mean?"

"When you're rude to him, does he just take it or does he challenge you?"

"I'm not rude to him. Ever. Just...everyone else."

"Well, I'm sure that you two will have your share of fights now that you're living together."

"Why would you say that? We get along great."

"Trust me, it's going to happen. That doesn't mean it will tear you two apart; arguments are normal in a close relationship. What matters is how you resolve those differences."

"We do have a lot of differences," James chuckled, biting into his nachos with a hum of satisfaction. "Seriously Mom, try this."

"So when you argue, will he be one to fight back or just roll over?"

"What does it matter?"

"It matters because the relationships that last are based on mutual respect."

"What does that mean?"

"If he can't fight back, you won't respect him."

"Obviously he can. He proved that last night when he rejected me."

"That's not the same thing. If he—oh, good Lord, what is this I'm eating?"

James grinned. "It's heaven."

"It's fat and salt and grease and...slime."

"I know. Great, right?"

"It's fantastic. Give me more of that."

With a grin, James did. His mother had reservations about Logan, but he didn't. James knew without a doubt that his life was finally moving in the direction it was supposed to. It was an incredible feeling.

* * *

James waited for his mother to turn in before calling Logan. He knew he'd see Logan first thing in the morning, but that seemed an eternity away now that he knew they'd be sleeping together every night.

By this time tomorrow, would he no longer be a virgin? The idea of it set off butterflies in his stomach. He'd imagined sex with Rush _(Kendall_ , his mind whispered) so many times over the past week, but he'd never allowed himself to take it that far with Logan because he knew he'd never get there.

Well. Life had a way of surprising you, didn't it? With a grin, James settled into a corner of the sofa in the suite's living room and dialed Logan.

"Are you coming home tonight?"

The word lit up James' heart. _Home._ "She still insisted I stay the night. But at least now I know why."

"Because you made her come all the way out here for nothing?"

"No, because she wanted to interrogate me about you."

Silence. Then finally, "Oh."

"She's heard me talk about you for the past year, but now that you're my..."

"You can say it, James," Logan chuckled. "I'm your boyfriend."

"I just wanted to hear _you_ say it again. Now that you're my boyfriend, she actually cares."

"She's a little scary, you know."

"I know. But she just wants me to be happy."

"Which is the way it should be. Oh my god, I just realized how ecstatic my mother is going to be about this."

James laughed hard, already imagining the squeals of excitement and the overpowering hug he would endure next time he saw Mrs. Mitchell. "You haven't told her yet?"

"No, I haven't really had time to think about all of this. I set up your stuff in the bathroom and cleared out half the closet and dresser for you. The kitchen is still my domain, though."

"Since you're the one who does most of the cooking, I won't fight you on that. But I get T.V. rights after 'Jeopardy!'"

"We'll discuss that later," Logan smiled. "I miss you."

"I miss you, too," James replied softly, warmth filling his chest. "I can't believe this is finally happening."

"I've dreamed about it so many times."

"It's crazy, isn't it? How stupid we were about being so scared to just say the words?"

"You said the words plenty. Just never the way I wanted you to."

"I always meant it that way. I was terrified you'd figure that out."

"Me, too." A heavy silence fell, both of them wishing they were together. "See you in class for breakfast?"

"You know it."

"It's your week to buy."

"Don't remind me."

"Listen um...there's one thing we need to talk about before tomorrow."

 _Please don't let it be Kendall. Anything but Kendall_. "What's that?"

"It's...Kendall."

 _Fuck. Can I just get away from this guy already?_ "What's up?" James wondered, bracing himself.

"I'm pretty sure he thinks I hate him and I want to make it clear that I don't. Can he still join us for lunch, or are you going to be rude about it?"

 _Why is he everywhere?_ James sighed. "I won't be rude. I just...it feels like I can't get away from him."

"If you give him a chance, he could be a good friend to you. He actually kind of likes you, you know."

 _Oh, don't I know._ The memories of those kisses flooded back in from the corner of his mind James had sealed them into. "Don't expect that we'll ever be good friends, Logan. We tolerate each other."

"I know, and even though things have changed I'm still the one stuck in the middle. I hate that. Just know that it's you I choose. I only dated him because I thought I had no chance with you. I was trying to move on. But you're my first choice and there's no need to be jealous or worry that I'd rather be with him. Are we clear?"

"I guess."

"No, I need a yes from you. Are we clear?"

"Yes."

"Okay. So knowing that, and that he dumped me because I wasn't what he's looking for, there's absolutely no reason for you to hate him. You're over the whole hockey thing, right? You got past it?"

"Yeah," James answered softly. "I know he made the right choice."

"Good. So we're all on the same page and he's just a friend to me and if you let him, he'll be the same to you."

"Still not sure that's a good idea."

"Fine. Time will show you I'm right. For now, can I count on you to be nice to him?"

"I'm not gonna be a dick, if that's what you're worried about."

"That's precisely what I'm worried about."

Thinking about the way both of them seemed to get worked up when they sparred, James knew it was a bad idea. "I'll be nice."

"Thank you. I knew you had that in you. Should we say goodnight?"

"I guess. I wish I was there."

"Me, too. See you in the morning. I love you."

It chased the clouds away. "I love you, too. Want pancakes?"

"If you don't let me go now, you'll oversleep and won't have time for pancakes."

"Okay bye!"

Logan's laughter was music to his ears. "Night, beautiful."

James' heart fluttered. "Night."

* * *

Two hours later James laid awake in a hotel bed, unable to sleep. There was a nagging in his brain. He blamed it on the unexpected appearance of Kendall during dinner, which had of course sent his mind tumbling back to Rush and the hurt that still resided in his heart even though he knew everything had worked out the way it was supposed to.

No matter what else was happening, being cut off from a friend with no warning _hurt._

James had heard the word "closure" bandied about for years and never really understood the concept. When something was over, it was over. He didn't understand the need to rehash something that had ended. Let it go.

Now, though, he thought he was getting a taste of that need. Rush had been upfront and minced no words in his email, and yet James was left unsatisfied because he'd had no chance to express his own feelings. No opportunity to say "Hey, I respect that you have to live your own life but this fucking hurts." There would of course be no reason to miss the sex part of it in the future, as he'd have Logan for that now, but he couldn't get past the fact that he'd lost the first person he was ever able to be completely open and honest with.

He hadn't said goodbye.

With a heavy heart, James sat up in bed and reached for his phone. Rush could be angry all he wanted for the uninvited email, but James deserved that. He didn't even need to hear back; he just needed to have his say.

It was slow going, but James took his time composing the email with the knowledge it would be the last thing he ever said to Rush. Hopefully the man hadn't blocked his email address.

 _Hey,_

 _I know you asked me not to contact you. I promise this will be the last time. It didn't feel right to just let you go without telling you some things, though, so I'm going to do that now and then close my mind to all of this._

 _I'm assuming that you and your guy made it to that level you needed from him and that's why this is ending. I'm happy for you. I know you really like him. He's a very lucky dude to have someone like you and I hope he realizes that. I wish you both all the luck._

 _I wanted you to know that I finally did it. I told my mom, and I told my buddy. It was scary but I'm glad I did. Mom was shocked and just like I thought, she thinks I should keep it a secret from the world. My buddy was upset that I lied to him for so long, but tonight we talked things over and it turns out you were right. He DOES love me. I don't see how, since there's no way in hell I compare to the hot guy he was dating, but he does and now we're together instead. I just wanted to say thanks because without your encouragement, I wouldn't have had the guts to do it. I'm even moving in with him. I hope you're proud of me. For some reason I need that, to know that you are. I'll just assume it's the truth. :P_

 _Anyway. Looks like we both got what we wanted. Thank you for being here for me when I needed someone and for helping me explore my own feelings that were so new to me. I won't ever forget you. I'm glad you're happy. And if you're ever not, do what you told me to do. Find me in our happy place. I'll always be there with open arms to welcome you with a smile and a kiss. You'll always have a place in my heart. :)_

 _Love,_

 _King_

There were tears in his eyes and an emptiness in his heart when James sent the email. He set down his phone and made his way to the bathroom, where he spent a few minutes getting hold of himself and letting go. He no longer needed Rush. Rush no longer needed him. All of this was for the best. Logan was waiting for him, and he'd wanted nothing more for over a year.

When he picked up his phone from the pillow he'd tossed it onto, he noticed an alert had come in while he was away. His heart leaped at the four words on the screen, which weren't in the form of an email but instead sent through the chat program.

 **Rusherone:** I'm proud of you.

A yearning filled James, the need to talk to Rush so great it was almost a physical ache. Rush was there, he was awake, and what they both needed was closure.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Thank you. I needed to hear it.

 **Rusherone:** I'm happy for you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm happy for you, too.

 **Rusherone:** So things worked out? He's in love with you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He is. It's crazy, I never thought he could love me like that.

 **Rusherone:** I told you, didn't I?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah, you did. It was just hard to believe that I'm worthy of him.

 **Rusherone:** You are. I promise.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Thanks. So you finally got past your guy's wall? He showed you that the kind of kiss you were craving does exist?

 **Rusherone:** It does exist.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I can't wait to experience that with my guy.

 **Rusherone:** You haven't yet? Did you guys not kiss after admitting your feelings?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well, we fought after doing that. He was super pissed at me for not telling him earlier that I was gay.

 **Rusherone:** I guess that's understandable.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** But to be fair, it's not like I was 100% sure until recently.

 **Rusherone:** Right, when you saw the hot guy at work. You said that's what clued you in, right?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That and talking to you. Between the two of you, there was no question.

 **Rusherone:** So you still haven't kissed him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Of course I did. We kissed today and it was amazing.

 **Rusherone:** Good. I'm glad you found someone that makes you feel that way.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Can I tell you a secret?

 **Rusherone:** Isn't that what we do here? :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Okay true, but this one I shouldn't even be talking about. What I need to do is just forget it.

 **Rusherone:** Tell me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He wasn't my first kiss.

 **Rusherone:** Who was?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** The hot guy.

 **Rusherone:** How did that happen?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He kind of...I wasn't expecting it. He got close to me and I wanted him and I couldn't fight it. So I asked him to stay away from me and he said he would, but first he kissed me.

 **Rusherone:** How was it?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Truth?

 **Rusherone:** Always between us.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm hard again just thinking about it. And that's the problem. I still have to be around this guy but now I'm with my buddy.

 **Rusherone:** I'm sure that'll fade. Once you start getting physical attention from your...can I call him your boyfriend?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. That's what he is now. :)

 **Rusherone:** So once you and your boyfriend start getting physical, you won't even remember what it felt like to kiss that guy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What if I remember it every time I see him?

 **Rusherone:** It won't matter because kissing your boyfriend will be even better.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're right. I'm worried over nothing.

 **Rusherone:** I'm always right, haven't you figured that out yet? :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Shut up, asshole.

 **Rusherone:** But you say that with love, don't you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Always. The truth is I'm going to miss you like crazy.

 **Rusherone:** I know. I'm going to miss you, too.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Even though we both have what we want?

 **Rusherone:** Yes, because it's our friendship we'll miss most. Well, I'm lying, I'm going to miss the sex, too. Because I haven't stopped thinking about the sound of you coming for two days.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** We need to not talk about this.

 **Rusherone:** I know. It's officially cheating now.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. And I won't take any chances with him, I almost lost him once. I won't do it again.

 **Rusherone:** Right. So we should say goodbye.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. Thank you for everything you've done for me.

 **Rusherone:** Thank you for the same. See you in our minds at some point?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Probably. I wish you nothing but the best.

 **Rusherone:** I wish you the same.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm sitting here telling myself I need to log off and delete this app but I don't want to say goodbye.

 **Rusherone:** Just tell me one thing before you go.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What?

 **Rusherone:** That kiss. Was it everything you wanted it to be?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** With the hot guy?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It was more. It was all the things I imagined when I thought about what a kiss should be. And then later he kissed me again and it was different but it was still everything a kiss should be.

 **Rusherone:** You'll have that with your boyfriend, once you both are more comfortable with a romantic relationship.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh, I know. I'm not worried about it. Tomorrow night we'll finally have time alone to explore it and I can't fucking wait.

 **Rusherone:** I'm excited for you. And again, really proud.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Thanks. Guess we should say goodnight?

 **Rusherone:** I think you mean goodbye.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. I deleted your number like you asked me to.

 **Rusherone:** Good. It really is for the best.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I know.

 **Rusherone:** Are you with him right now?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. Mom's in town, I'm at her hotel for the night.

 **Rusherone:** Are you at least alone?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. Why?

 **Rusherone:** Just for tonight, close your eyes and meet me there. One last time.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It feels wrong now. Like I'm cheating.

 **Rusherone:** I'm not asking for sex. I just need you to hold me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Come on, we both know it'll be less than thirty seconds before we're making out.

 **Rusherone:** You always know how to make me laugh. I'm gonna miss that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Same. Close your eyes and feel my arms around you. With our clothes on.

 **Rusherone:** Can't I at least cuddle up to your muscled chest?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** How do you know it's muscled?

 **Rusherone:** Because in my dreams you are. You're tall and strong and fierce like a warrior, but when we cuddle you're gentle and loving and vulnerable.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Wow. That's how you see me?

 **Rusherone:** That's how I see you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'll take my shirt off. But the pants stay on.

 **Rusherone:** I'll suffer. It's the gentle and loving side of you I need tonight anyway.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You have it. Goodnight, Rush.

 **Rusherone:** Goodbye, King. Have a great life.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You, too. I'm holding you close.

 **Rusherone:** I feel you. You're warm. Safe. I'm at peace.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So am I.

James sent one more thing, saying goodbye with a heart symbol.

Rush answered in kind.


	27. Chapter 27

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

And we're back! I actually wanted to jump ahead about six months in their lives, but I needed it to be Christmas and for the hockey season to still be on, so I went with three. I considered a year, but that felt like too long. So here we are, three months later. I think a few of you are going to say "I knew it!" before this chapter is done. And to those people I say "No comment." :P

Thank you so much for being here! Hope you enjoy this. :)

* * *

 _ **THREE MONTHS LATER**_

"Tell me what you want."

A violent shudder surged through James at the tone, Kendall's voice in his ear enough to have him on edge. He whined before managing, "You know what I want." There was barely enough strength in his legs to keep him standing, the wall providing support for him to lean against as he trembled.

Long fingers traveled from his lower back and down, teasing him as they made the trek to where he wanted them most. James felt Kendall pressing against the entrance and moaned, his hips thrusting back in invitation.

And when had he become naked? He didn't remember that at all.

But did it really matter? No, he'd worry about that later. Right now all that mattered was—

 _Oh god, it's not his fingers. It's..._

"Yes!" James yelled before reaching back to spread himself open for Kendall. It was right there, so close, one hard push would have Kendall inside, what was he waiting for?

"Look at me."

Instead James' head fell back onto Kendall's shoulder, and he didn't know when Kendall had gotten naked either. Hadn't they literally just been in the staff lounge? Why were they in the living room of his old apartment now? Where was all the furniture? And why—

"No. Like you used to. Turn your head and look at me, show me with your eyes how much you need me."

A whimper slipped free, James still trembling and _needing,_ God had he ever needed anything so badly in his life? He followed the command with a desperate "Please."

He was rewarded with a hand around his length, gripping tight before stroking once. He almost came, probably one more stroke would do it, but then Kendall's face started to fade. The weight of Kendall's body pressing him into the wall lightened so that he could've stood up straight had he wanted to.

He didn't want to. He wanted to be fucked so hard he couldn't stay upright without Kendall's help.

"No. No, don't go, don't...no!"

James came awake with a jolt, body a live wire and his breathing uneven while sweat beaded his forehead. One hand was wrapped around him, only it wasn't Kendall's; it was his own. And if that hand didn't do something quick, James was going to be suffering a massive hard-on until morning.

He'd had one of the dreams again. It was the only explanation. Those horrible dreams where Kendall took the place of Rush and left him feeling empty upon returning to reality.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath, surprised that Logan hadn't stirred. But no, one look over told him that Logan was still fast asleep, probably dreaming about algorithms and integers, whatever the fuck those were.

James would give a lot to have boring dreams like that.

He didn't even consider waking Logan up to help with the "problem." He'd done that once after a similar dream, and Logan had allowed the act to happen but only after some coaxing because "We have to get up early, James." James had felt pathetic and inadequate as Logan laid on his stomach and let James satisfy himself, then was cranky until noon the following day due to a "lack of sleep."

Seriously, ten minutes out of his night for sex was a lack of sleep?

At one point James had begun to worry about himself; maybe he was too obsessed with sex. Though Logan was usually where he went when he needed information, it was Google James turned to this time because obviously Logan was too close to the subject. He felt a little better upon learning that sex drives are different for everyone, and it didn't make him a freak. Nor did Logan's lack of interest in unbridled, wild sex make _him_ a freak. Logan put up with James' libido because it made James happy, and James took advantage of those moments when Logan was in the mood because they didn't come about nearly as often as James wished. Still, what they had was perfect, and James wasn't going to let his overactive sex drive ruin this. He'd just suffer until Logan was in the mood or until he had moments like this where he thought he'd go crazy without it.

But James hadn't bothered with Logan the next time he woke from the dream. He did what he was going to do now and escaped into the bathroom, where a series of just-right strokes took care of the problem in twenty seconds flat. _Now_ maybe he could sleep.

The warmth of the blankets called out to his now-boneless body as he slid into bed. He turned onto his right side so he could spoon Logan, but then immediately rolled back to the left in order to check the time. He hoped he'd have at least a few more hours of sleep before having to face the world.

His phone laid on the bedside table, and just as his hand closed around it, the screen lit up. James tilted the display in order to read what was most likely an incoming email offering a "can't-miss deal" at his favorite sandwich place.

When it was instead a message from the chat program he no longer used, James' breath caught. It was only then he saw that there'd been another message prior to this one, about ten minutes before.

 **Rusherone:** Are you there? I'm sorry, I know we swore we were done but I'm going crazy right now I need you I can't stand this please talk to me nobody makes me feel like you do please I NEED YOU.

James swallowed hard, his breathing stilted and hand shaking slightly.

The second message, which had just come in, was more coherent.

 **Rusherone:** Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed. Please ignore that. I wasn't thinking clearly. The moment passed and I'm so sorry. I won't bother you again. I'm going to delete the app right now so I'm not tempted to do this ever again. I hope you're well. Bye.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Don't delete it. I can't talk to you like that, but don't delete it. Please.

 **Rusherone:** Why are you awake?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Doesn't matter. Are you okay?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah. Just a momentary lapse of reason.

James frowned. He'd heard that saying before, but for the life of him couldn't remember where or when. And did it honestly matter right this second?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's okay. I have them, too. Try to get some sleep.

 **Rusherone:** You, too. Night.

There were so many things James wanted to say. One glance behind reminded him why he couldn't. Logan was snoring gently, the sound reassuring in the dark. He couldn't do anything that might hurt Logan or risk losing him.

So instead of saying all of the things on his mind, James sent a simple heart. He figured that would say everything he couldn't put into words.

As usual, Rush understood him loud and clear. James smiled at the red heart that popped up on the screen, then set down his phone and turned over. Logan made an adorable noise in his sleep before hugging the arm that wrapped around him, and then they both returned to slumber.

* * *

"Babe, come on, if you don't get up now, we won't have time for breakfast."

"Can't we just call out today?" James groaned, face hidden under a mountain of blankets.

Cool air attacked him as the covers were ripped away. "No. If you're not in that shower in two minutes, I will eat your French toast and leave without you."

"Mmm, I do love French toast. Is that the heavenly aroma I smell?"

"There won't be any left if you don't hurry. Shower. Now."

Finally James cracked open an eye. "Ugh, you're already dressed and ready to go. I was hoping I could convince you to skip breakfast for a quickie."

Logan rolled his eyes but couldn't fight a smile. "I keep telling you, there is a time and place for sex, James. This isn't it."

"This is definitely the place. And _I_ keep telling _you,_ every time is right for sex." He yawned before stretching. "But fine, pass up this gorgeous body like you do every morning. Suffer until tonight."

"I'll survive somehow," Logan chuckled. "Want a banana?"

"Yes, I thought we just established that."

A pillow came crashing down over James' face. "I meant with your breakfast, jerkface! Is sex all you ever think about?"

James finally sat up, rubbing his eyes so he wouldn't have to talk. Logan probably wouldn't like his answer, anyway.

* * *

"You've got four minutes to eat that," Logan warned as James took a seat at the table.

"School doesn't start for almost an hour."

"I'm meeting with a student this morning, so I need to be there by 7:15."

James watched Logan clean up the breakfast dishes as he ate. "Do you ever miss the mornings where I'd show up and bring you coffee? Tease you a little in the classroom?"

Bent over the open dishwasher, Logan tossed James a knowing look. "Don't even think about it. Sex in that classroom is never gonna happen."

"I wasn't even talking about sex! I'm just asking. Do you ever miss that?"

"Of course not. Waking up with you and riding in together is so much better. Except for the days when I stress because you almost make me late."

"Which is every day."

"Just most days," Logan conceded. "You done with that plate?"

"Dude, I just sat down."

"I've seen you devour a plate of nachos in less time than this."

"Yeah well...you don't have to cut nachos, do you?"

Logan closed his eyes and prayed for patience. "What time do you think you'll be home tonight?"

"Knowing Lucy, it could be midnight," James joked. "But most likely before your movie ends. I'm hoping, anyway."

"I was going to ask if you guys wanted to meet up after the movie. Kendall mentioned getting ice cream."

"We'll see. I'll run it by Lucy. Depends on how late we're stuck at school decorating that gym."

After starting the dishwasher, Logan sank into a chair next to James. "Are you sure it isn't because you're avoiding Kendall?"

"Oh god, not this again. I'm trying to enjoy my breakfast."

"James, if you'd just—"

"Babe, get over it, it's never gonna happen. We're never gonna be buddies, okay? We're fine with it, why aren't you?"

"Because I want my boyfriend and my best friend to get along."

"We do!"

"No, you snipe at each other. You sit there at lunch and purposely push each others' buttons, and that's only when you do talk. Which is rare."

"So?"

"So, it would be nice if you guys would just be civil once in awhile."

"Logan...I don't know how to explain it. It's how we are. Yeah, we argue, but...it's not like...you know how much I detest Plotz from the history department?"

"Oh, don't remind me. You two can barely even be in the same room without your blood boiling."

"Right, because he's a homophobic dick who thinks you're going to Hell and I won't allow him to insult you like that." James left out the fact that the man only directed it at Logan because James still hadn't officially come out. Half the school now assumed James was gay but rumors weren't fact.

"What's your point?"

"That it's totally different with Kendall. We get off on it. Not in a sexual way," he added hurriedly. "But it stimulates us. He'd never admit it, but I think he likes messing with me."

"And you definitely like messing with him."

"So what if it doesn't make sense? It's still better than us hating each other, right?"

"I just...why can't you two be nice?"

"I don't know, Logan. This is just how it has to be, okay?"

Logan sighed, giving in for the moment. "Fine. But I think you should spend some time together alone. I think that would help you bond."

"And I think that's a bad idea. I'm sure he'd agree."

"He does," Logan admitted. "Every time I bring it up to him, he says the same thing. That you two do better from a distance."

"There, you found something we agree on. Can we drop it now?"

"I guess. Damn, there's no way we'll have time to stop for coffee now."

"Go on. Let me finish my breakfast in peace and I'll stop and get us coffee."

"You don't want to ride with me?"

"I want coffee and I don't want you to be late because then it'll ruin your whole day." James leaned over to kiss Logan's lips briefly. "I'll meet you in your classroom."

"You're sure?"

"Positive. Go."

"Okay." Logan didn't need any further prodding. He rushed into the living room and picked up the new leather bag James had surprised him with a few weeks before "just because I love you." "I grabbed lunch for us. Don't go back to bed!"

"I won't!" James laughed. "See you soon! Love you!"

Logan had one hand on the knob when he changed his mind and ran back into the kitchen to press a kiss to James' cheek. "Love you, too."

James took the opportunity to grab Logan's arm and drag him down for a real kiss, Logan allowing it for five seconds before pulling away. "I have to go. You taste like syrup. Don't forget to brush your teeth!"

"When have I ever even done that?" James muttered to himself. He checked the time, figuring he had just enough left to wolf down a piece of the chocolate cake they'd made together the night before. Logan would of course notice it was missing and scold him for it later, but James didn't care. Logan owed him that after denying him sex this morning.

And pretty much every morning for the past three months.

* * *

Kendall looked up from his phone when James slid into a chair, as always choosing the one furthest away. Though he knew there'd be nothing more than the usual grunt or at the most a "hey" in return (that was always the case when they were alone, unless a "Where's Logan?" was necessary), Kendall tried anyway. "Hey."

Today it was the grunt as James looked around the staff lounge for his boyfriend.

"He's at the microwave."

"I see him."

Three months later and they were still right where they'd started. Kendall knew why, knew it was absolutely a horrible idea for them to be alone because his attraction to James was still there and showed no signs of fading. Then again, James' obvious lack of interest in him went a good way toward quelling that.

But James surprised him by saying more. "He told me you want us to meet up after the movie tonight. It's obviously not going to happen. I thought we agreed to keep our distance when we have a choice."

"We did. I wasn't aware Logan had invited you. I just wanted ice cream."

"Oh." James sighed and shook his head in frustration. "I should've known. When is he gonna give up on that?"

"I doubt he ever will. It's important to him that his boyfriend and best friend get along, he told me that back when I was the...well, I guess I was never quite the boyfriend."

"I'm still trying to figure out when I lost the 'best friend' status."

"I would assume when you took on the other role."

James shrugged, that not really making him feel any better.

Lucy seemed to appear out of nowhere, sinking down between them. "What up, studs?"

"Hey," they greeted in unison.

"James, what time are you meeting me here?"

"Is there any sense in going home?"

"Yes, because the gym won't be clear until five. Basketball practice."

"Oh, right. I guess it's five then."

The scent of enchiladas preceded Logan, James letting out a delicious groan when a steaming container was set down in front of him. "I love you."

"I know," Logan grinned. He placed a second dish before Kendall and settled in between him and James to reach into a bag for forks. A bottle of water appeared next, followed by two cans of soda that were passed to his boyfriend and best friend, respectively.

"Hey, why don't I ever get leftovers?" Lucy wanted to know.

Kendall spoke through a mouthful. "What, your girl doesn't cook for you?"

"Not in the kitchen," she winked, causing Logan to make a disgusted noise.

"We're eating here," he reminded her.

"We do that, too."

This time it was all of them making the noise. Logan found his voice first. "Sometimes I don't understand how I ended up with the three most dirty-minded people on the planet as my inner circle."

"You got lucky," James teased, reaching under the table to squeeze Logan's knee. "We keep you from being too stuffy."

"You definitely do something. Can we please change the subject?"

"Fine," Lucy answered. "Let's talk about Kendall's dating life."

Kendall groaned. "This again?"

"Yes, because we want you to be happy. Are you bringing a date to the dance tomorrow night?"

"I wasn't planning on going."

"Of course you're going. If for no other reason than to admire the gym James and I are going to spend hours decorating."

James frowned. "It won't be just us, right? Isn't there some student committee that's in charge of that stuff?"

"Yeah, they'll all be there tomorrow. But since we can't be there until after the game, I wanted to get a head start tonight. I have big plans for the gym and it'll take more than a few hours to get it all set up."

"Should I be scared?" James asked.

"Totally. I'm gonna have you on that ladder more times than Logan's cracked open a book."

Kendall snickered, but James blanched. "That's like...more times than the sun has risen."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Oh fine, let's all make fun of the nerd. Can't we get back to Kendall's love life now?"

After lightly smacking Logan's arm, Kendall said, "Thanks a lot, buddy. I thought you were on my side."

"Well, Lucy's right. We want you to be happy. I think you should come to the dance and bring one of your dates."

"You act like I have so many."

"It would be nice to at least meet one of them for a change."

"Agreed," Lucy nodded. "So. Are you bringing anyone?"

"I really don't want to go."

"Too bad, I'll need someone to hang out with when these two lovebirds get all sappy and dance to slow songs or start making out under the bleachers."

"That's never gonna happen," Logan snorted.

"Heaven forbid," James whispered under his breath, Kendall the only one catching it and glancing over at him, but James was looking down into his food. As usual.

Noting that Lucy was finished with her sandwich, Logan slid over what was left of his enchiladas. She brightened and smiled a thank you before digging in. He asked, "Jo doesn't want to come?"

"That would be highly inappropriate. It _is_ a school function."

"True."

Kendall shrugged. "Why not bring her anyway? I mean, Logan and James are coming together."

"We're also both teachers," Logan reminded him. He added in a quieter tone, "And James isn't even out."

"Half the school knows by now," Lucy commented.

"It's still just speculation."

"And it's best that it stays that way," James agreed.

Logan turned a patient gaze on him. "Even though you've already had three fans tell you they heard the rumors and it doesn't change how much they admire you?"

Lucy gasped. "This happened? Where?"

"On Twitter," Logan answered. "Apparently the rumors have reached social media."

"But that's great!" Lucy exclaimed. "See, they accept you!"

James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Logan didn't mention the many others who were rude about it. This could really negatively impact my future."

"Or it could be the catalyst you need to come out publicly."

When James shook his head at Lucy's words, looking as if he'd rather die than continue discussing this, Kendall asked, "Can we get back to my love life now? We're already halfway through the lunch period."

"Oh, right! So then you're coming alone, which is perfect. Have you met the new shop teacher?"

They all stared back at Lucy blankly. It was Logan who asked, "Wood, auto, or metal?"

"Auto. You guys heard about Ingram, right?" Three heads shook. "He was in a bad car accident. They brought in a guy to sub while he's out. He's young, handsome, and I'd like to make him feel welcome here. Kendall? That's your cue."

"What? Why me?"

"Because he's gay and you're gay and you're both single."

"Oh, right, because if two people are gay that means they have to date each other. I forgot."

Lucy smacked his shoulder. "You don't have to be so sarcastic all the time. I'm just saying, he's new and doesn't know anybody here. He's nervous about not fitting in."

"He said that?" Logan smiled. "That's kind of cute."

"He just knows this is temporary but really needs the job so he's hoping to make some friends who will speak up for him and convince Kalvert to keep him on once Ingram's back."

Logan wondered, "Does he have any other skills?"

"Apparently he can dance. And he's great at building things. Really good with his hands."

"Always a good thing in a boyfriend," Logan teased, nudging Kendall.

Kendall was not amused. "I actually have decided that it's best to not date someone who works here." Noting that Logan was about to be offended, he added, "Don't take that personally, it's nothing you did wrong. It's the fact that my job could be at risk if I'm out."

Both Lucy and Logan disagreed, Lucy stating what they were both thinking. "They can't fire you for being gay."

"They can make it happen if they want to that badly. And you can't tell me every parent of my hockey kids will be ecstatic to know a gay man is spending hours getting physical with their sons."

"I think you're exaggerating," Logan replied. "It's not like you touch them or anything, right?"

"Sometimes I do. Not intentionally, but hockey's a fast-moving game. It's brutal. When I'm on the ice with them, shit happens. And there are a few guys who come talk to me about their personal stuff, we spend time alone in the office. I can already see how that would be blown up and twisted."

Lucy sighed. "Logan's right, you're overthinking it. Most of the parents would be fine with it if they knew."

"It only takes one," Kendall pointed out. "I need this job. It's made me feel whole for the first time since my accident. It's just not worth the risk."

Logan started, "Kendall, I think—"

"Let him be. Coming out is hard."

Three heads turned in surprise to James, who'd been quiet for most of the conversation. Logan raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend. "Says the guy who still hasn't come out."

"Exactly. It's different for you guys, your entire life wasn't on the line."

"Excuse me?" Lucy demanded. "You think it was easy for us?"

"No, of course not. I'm just saying that it's different. Lucy, no offense, but you never wanted this job. So if you lost it, it wouldn't be the end of the world for you. And Logan...even though it's not exactly common knowledge among the students that you're gay, the faculty knows and nobody cares. They accept it in you. They wouldn't in Kendall, and the public wouldn't accept it in me as a star. This is all we have, you guys. It's our dream. Do I wish I could just grab Logan and kiss his brains out at the grocery store sometimes? Sure. But I don't, because all I have in life that keeps me going is the dream and one day I'll get there. Not if I'm gay, though."

Logan didn't know which of James' points to address first; some of what James had said offended him. Lucy, as usual, had no trouble finding her voice. "That's where you're wrong, James. Plenty of people will accept you, and if they don't? Fuck them. You don't need them."

"He does, though," Kendall interrupted. "It sucks, and it's not right, but he needs them. I need those parents. For now, this is how it has to be."

Logan finally managed, "Babe, your career isn't all you have to live for."

"I know," James smiled. "I didn't mean to make it sound like you don't matter. But you know how important this is to me. I'm so close, meeting with producers pretty soon to put my lyrics to music, and I can't afford any kind of public scandal right now. Kendall can't either. That was my point."

Trying to get them all away from the heaviness that had settled over the table, Lucy looked at Kendall. "I at least expect you to meet the guy and be nice to him. He's fun. You need a little fun in your life."

"I'd be happy with just sex," Kendall joked.

She winked. "He might provide that, too."

Fifteen minutes later, James was about to enter the arts building when a voice called his name. His first instinct was to run, or to at least pretend he hadn't heard Kendall. He thought he knew what was coming and was unprepared for it.

"Don't even think about it, I know you heard me."

 _Fuck._ James spun away from the entrance and waited for Kendall to approach. He wasn't slow by any means, but James knew he'd been faster at one time and that it would annoy him for the rest of his life that he couldn't be again. Arms crossed over his chest, James moved aside so they weren't blocking the door and braced himself.

"Hey," Kendall began quietly. James said nothing. "I just wanted to thank you. For defending me in there."

God, it _was_ what he'd thought it would be. James hated it when Kendall was nice, it was so much harder to pretend he didn't exist. "That was more for me than you. I love them, but I get sick of them shoving that shit down my throat every day. They don't get it."

"They can't, because they haven't lost everything the way we did. We both spent our entire lives working toward a goal, and overnight our dreams were crushed. We found a purpose again at this school, and they don't understand how much it means to us."

"It isn't even the school I care so much about as the public. Those kids on Twitter are fucking mean."

"Not all of them though, right?"

"No, not all of them. But enough that it would keep record companies from wanting to sign me because of the bad press. I can't take that chance."

"I know, and I understand. I have nightmares sometimes of standing on stage in the auditorium with the school board and a crowd of parents yelling at me that I'm disgusting and should die. They usually end with me in a hangman's noose."

Without meaning to, James reached out to lightly grab Kendall's arm. "You're not disgusting. They're blind and stupid."

"Thanks," Kendall smiled, taking advantage of the opportunity to stand closer to James because it was so rare. "In the light of day I remember that. When I'm alone at night, though..."

James nodded. "That darkness is a bitch."

"Yeah."

God, did Kendall have to be so relatable? So understanding? So... _fuck, he's still so hot._ "I know what you did just now and I want to make sure you know it didn't work."

Kendall's lips twitched. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, yes you do. You made up that part about the hangman's noose, right? Just looking to get a rise out of me with that word?"

Kendall leaned in and whispered, "Did it work?"

James' eyes fell closed. Kendall hadn't tortured him like this in months, since...

 _Since I started dating Logan. He's been so good about it, why bring this back now?_

"I just said it didn't."

Kendall swept his gaze down between their bodies and James knew what his next words would be. Sure enough, "Tell that to the boner in your pants."

James stepped back in a hurry. "What the fuck is wrong with you? I've asked you to stay away from me. Why do you do this to me?"

Kendall's voice was tiny when he answered. "I miss you."

The reply made little sense to James, as they'd never been close. Maybe Kendall just missed the head games. If James was honest with himself, he missed them, too. It was so hard to be around Kendall.

"Hey, Coach! I've been working on that play and I think I've got it down."

Somehow Kendall found a smile for the student entering the arts department. "I'll decide that after school, Pete. We'll see if you can get the puck past me."

"You're on," Pete grinned, then held the door for James. "You coming, Mr. Diamond?"

Thirty more seconds alone with Kendall and he would've been, that's for sure. "Yeah. Thanks."

He left Kendall without saying goodbye, fearing that in his current state of mind even looking at the man would test his willpower.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Happy Monday! Hope you guys are all having a wonderful start to your week. :D This chapter consists of only a conversation between James and Lucy, but it gives a bit of insight to James' feelings. I'm hoping it isn't too boring! Next chapter will have more character interaction haha.

* * *

"The machine was out of Coke! Got you a root beer instead!"

James jumped out of his skin when Lucy called to him from across the gym. "Jesus, Lucy, could you warn me?"

"What, you didn't hear the door slam behind me? What's going on with you, you've been in lalaland ever since you got here tonight."

"This gym is creepy when it's empty, okay?" He reached up for the cold can she held out once she neared. "I'm almost done filling in this last sign."

"Cool! Then we can get to hanging. The janitor said he'd bring over the ladder in about ten minutes."

"Great." After completing the last letter of "Christmas" with an orange marker, James sat back against the wall and cracked open his root beer. "Only you would go with a 'Nightmare Before Christmas' theme for a school dance. Isn't it a little late in the year for that?"

"Never too late for that. Want some cookies?"

James' interest perked up. "What kind?"

"Grandma's. I've got fudge and peanut butter."

The word "grandma" made him look away. "Tough choice. I'll go with fudge."

"Somehow I knew you would."

"If you make a fudge packer joke I swear I'll—"

"Oh my god, relax, I just meant because you love chocolate! Why are you so edgy tonight?"

"I'm not."

"You are! You're either lost in your head or jumping down my throat. We're taking a break here, now just try to relax and talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Your tense posture says there is."

"Maybe it's just that I think a Christmas dance should have things like snowflakes and jingle bells instead of pumpkins and...whatever the hell that's supposed to be."

"It's Zero, the ghost dog. Didn't you ever see the movie?"

"No."

"Well, we're fixing that ASAP. And don't make fun of my signs. I worked hard on them."

"I know," James sighed, feeling guilty for letting his mood spill out in the form of insults. Logan had brought to his attention that he did that and it was something that shamed him when he was aware of it. "They're actually pretty good. You have artistic talent I didn't know about."

"Thanks," Lucy smiled. "Jo loves it when I draw for her. I'm fantastic at nudes."

"Things I don't need to know," James reminded her, but he was smiling as well. Chocolate always helped.

"So have you met the new shop guy yet?"

"Nah. I pretty much stay in my domain or the math department. Or the lounge, of course. Why are you so determined that we get along with him?"

"I just want him to feel welcome. It's hard enough starting at a new job, but to be openly gay on top of it...well, never mind. You wouldn't know what's that like."

"I started here at one point, you know."

"Not as an openly gay teacher. If I remember correctly, when I brought up your sexuality you ran out of my office screaming like a little girl being chased by cooties."

"Why are you and Logan so hell-bent on getting us to come out?"

"Because we want you to be happy. I swear, that's all it is."

"Would we really be happy without our careers?"

"I think you're both overreacting about that. Some of the students have figured out that you and Logan are dating and they don't care."

"Their futures are in my hands. It's better for them to not make waves."

"Not all of them are your students."

"That's not even the point. It doesn't matter what the students think. What does the general public think? They're the ones that are going to make or break my success."

Lucy bit her lip, wondering if she should just keep quiet about it but finally stating what was on her mind; James was already in a mood, might as well go for it. "I think you really hurt Logan's feelings today when you said your dream is all that keeps you going."

Just as she'd expected, his gaze dropped away so that he could fidget with a tear in his jeans. "I know. I didn't mean it like that."

"But you said it. So...how much truth is there in that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...are you happy? With Logan?"

"Of course I'm happy. I finally have what I wanted forever."

"And is it everything you thought it would be?"

" _Yes."_ The word was bitten out as if warning Lucy not to press the issue. "It's everything I wanted."

"Good. If that ever wasn't the case, you know you can talk to me about it, right? We're still under confidentiality rules."

"Everything's fine." James sipped at his soda, still not meeting her eyes.

"Okay. Great. You done with your cookie?"

"Yeah." He passed her the empty wrapper. "Thanks."

"Logan asked if we want to get together with them after the movie for ice cream. I figure we've got about two more hours of this, which is perfect timing because that's when Jo gets off. You down?"

James shook his head. "Not tonight."

"Come on, you love ice cream. And you didn't even really get dinner."

"Not true, Logan fixed tacos before he left. If you guys want to go, that's fine. I'll just head home."

Lucy watched James stand up and dust off his jeans as if he'd been sitting on sand. There it was in his posture again—something was definitely on his mind. "Is it Kendall?"

"Is what Kendall?"

"Is that why you never want to go to the movies anymore?"

"Logan and I go on Sundays now instead. They deserve alone time, too. One of my fears when they were dating was that Kendall would always be there and I'd never get time alone with Logan anymore. So I try to respect that and give them their...friend time."

"That's good. It's a level of maturity that shows you've grown a lot. Do you ever get jealous? Worry that they might...you know. Fall back into that dating thing?"

"I don't, actually. They had the chance and both decided it wasn't going to work. Well, I mean...Logan didn't decide that, but he admitted that he was only dating Kendall to try to get over me. And Kendall said Logan was missing..."

"What?" she asked when he trailed off, looking like he was deep in thought.

"Something. Logan was missing something he needed."

"What was that?"

The crack of the heavy gym doors opening distracted them. "Hey, guys, sorry it took so long to get this over here! The boys' bathroom in the English building was a wreck. Who's got time to stand there and write all over a wall all day?"

"Poets who don't show up to class," Lucy answered. "Thanks, Chuck."

"No problem. Oh hey, Nightmare Before Christmas! I love that movie! Look at that, you got pumpkins hanging next to Christmas trees on that wall."

"Yeah," Lucy grinned. "Spent the past two weeks making those pumpkins. Papier-mache isn't nearly as fun as it sounds."

"It doesn't sound fun at all," James pointed out.

Lucy nudged him. "Shut up and go take the ladder from him."

James followed instructions, blocking out the sound of Lucy and Chuck conversing while he set up the ladder so that he could hang the first sign high up on the wall above the pumpkins and trees. He was working on the second one when Lucy spoke to him again; he'd not even noticed that Chuck was gone. "What was Logan missing?"

The question threw him for a second, but he recovered quickly. "How should I know? It was between them."

"I'm sure Logan told you. I want that one a little more to the right. Maybe a foot? Yeah, right there. Tell me what Logan didn't have that Kendall needed."

"Who knows? Kendall's a fucking moron to pass up what he could've had in Logan. I've never felt so loved and accepted as I do with him."

"Never?" Lucy wanted to know.

There was a flash of a face in his mind, so brief that James was able to ignore it. That face didn't belong to the person on the other end, anyway. "Never. Logan's perfect."

"Well, for you maybe. He's got a little too much dick for my taste."

James rolled his eyes and then climbed down the ladder for the third sign she was holding out. "How are you the girl in the group but you're more crass than the rest of us combined?"

"Oh, like you don't have a dirty mind. I'm sure the things you say in bed to Logan would make even me blush." The way he practically ripped the sign from her grip told Lucy she'd hit a sore spot. "Or...not."

"Our sex life is none of your business. Want this one on that wall?"

"Yeah, near the entrance I think." Rather than yell across the large space, Lucy followed him to the other side of the gym. "So your sex life is lacking?"

"That's not what I said. I'm not discussing this with you."

"Fine. That door is always open, though, okay?"

"Yes, you've only told me that about a million times. I think I get the point, Lucy."

"Okay. I'll just go over there and—"

"Can I ask you a really super personal question?"

Lucy spun back, having already turned away. James was halfway up the ladder, one hand resting on the top of it and his face clouded with...something. Indecision? Fear? "Of course you can."

"How often do you and Jo have sex?"

"Uh...pretty much every chance we get?"

James nodded as if he'd expected that answer. "And that's normal, right? For new couples to be all over each other like dogs in heat?"

"Well, I'm hoping it isn't just because it's new and that it lasts, but sure. Totally normal. Oh my god, Logan's a nympho, isn't he? That's why you've been looking so tired lately, he won't let you get any sleep because he has to have it like five times a night, why didn't you tell me this?!"

After stepping down to the floor, James gave her a look of disbelief. "You really do have a terrifying imagination."

"Oh. So then...it's you? You're the nympho?"

"No one is a nympho," James replied slowly, placing emphasis on each word. "Trust me, we don't even come close to five times a night. Hell, I'd be happy with five times a _month."_

Ah. Now they'd hit on the problem. Lucy had known they'd get there eventually. "So he uh...isn't much into sex?"

"It's not like he doesn't enjoy it when it happens. He seems to."

"Okay. Do you?"

"Duh. It's sex, what's not to like?"

"Could be a lot of things, actually. Maybe he's rough and you don't like it."

James erupted with a snort of amusement. "Yeah, that's definitely not the case."

Lucy's lips twitched around her teeth as she debated how to handle this; she didn't want James to shut down again. Finally she stopped him from moving the ladder, taking his hand and leading him to the wall. "Sit down with me. Let's talk."

"I'm not going to talk to you about my sex life."

"You already are. Come on." She gave him no choice, dragging him down as she got comfortable on the floor. She waited until he'd settled down to give him a verbal nudge with, "Is he not rough enough?"

"I...it's...no. He's perfect. He's everything I want in a man."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Of course. Sex is just a small part of a relationship. If I had to choose between great sex and Logan, I'd choose Logan every time."

Lucy let that sink in, because it told her everything she needed to know. "What if you didn't have to choose?"

"What?"

"What if you didn't have to? What if there was a guy who could give you what Logan does _and_ great sex?"

"Impossible. Nobody can give me what Logan does."

"Which is what, exactly? What's so great about Logan?"

"Everything. He loves me."

"And do you think nobody else could love you?"

"Please, have you met me? I'm a mess."

"That doesn't mean nobody else would love you."

"I think it does. Logan needed me and I needed Logan. That's why we're together, we need each other. He was lonely. I was...alone. He showed me what it's like to love someone. To open my heart."

"So he was your teacher, in a sense?"

"I don't know. All I know is that we love each other and we're happy and if I only get sex once a week, it's a small price to pay for that happiness. A lot of couples don't even have sex that often."

"But do those couples miss it as much as you do? I mean, how _is_ the sex between you? And don't tell me that's too personal, we're already way past that."

James sighed; that was exactly what he'd been about to say. "The sex is fine. We both get off. What more is there?"

Lucy shrugged. "There's mental satisfaction. Feeling satiated."

"That sounds like a Logan word that I don't know the meaning of."

"It's like having your thirst quenched," Lucy laughed. "Or your hunger satisfied. Sex is about more than physical pleasure. Do you two have sex like a couple that's been married for forty years, or is it that all-consuming passion like you feel as if you'll die without touching each other?"

Again, there was that face flashing through his mind. James quickly dismissed it. "Sex is sex."

"No, sex is _not_ sex. Be honest with me. In your fantasies, what does fake Logan do that the real Logan doesn't?"

"I don't know," James answered, uncomfortable and staring at his shoes with red cheeks. "I think I just have a warped idea of what sex should be. He's the normal one."

"Tell me."

"Just...stupid shit. I um...I wouldn't mind if he was a little...more aggressive. Maybe lost control once in awhile. Acted as if...well, like you said. Like he'll die unless he can touch me. It just feels like I'm always the one in the mood. He does enjoy it, like I said. Once we get there, anyway. He just doesn't...crave it like I do. And when we _do_ do it, it's very..."

"Tame?"

"Methodical. Almost like...planned out? God that sounds stupid, I'm not explaining it right."

"No, I think I get it. How often does he just randomly drop to his knees and blow you in the kitchen?"

"See, that's what I'm talking about! There's none of that. Ever. I've tried a few times and it's always 'Babe, I have to get dinner in the oven' or 'Babe, we're running late' or even 'Not on the counter.' Like...would it kill him to just do something spontaneous for a change? Is it so horrible to want me bad enough to fuck me over the back of the couch when company's due to show up in five minutes? Fuck work. Fuck sleep. Fuck _responsibilities._ Just once, can't he fuck _me_ instead?"

James' heaving chest and angry eyes were a welcome sight. Finally he was talking about his feelings instead of bottling them up. "Have you told him how you feel?" she asked softly. "That you need a little more excitement in the bedroom? Or...anywhere else in the apartment?"

"No." Emotion was rapidly dissipating as James returned to his usual contained self. "When I try to liven things up a little bit, he says something like 'Is sex all you ever think about?' And I get it, not everyone is into sex like that. I researched it. He just has a low sex drive. And it's fine, I accept that in him and I love him and sex isn't worth ruining the awesome relationship we have."

"But James...in the meantime you're not getting what you need."

"I have a hand."

"You know it's not the same."

"So what? It does the job. Logan makes me happy in every other area. He loves me. That's all that matters."

"I'm going to ask you one more time, and I'm not trying to piss you off, okay? Just tell me this."

"What?" James obviously didn't want to hear it.

"What if you didn't have to choose? What if there was someone who could make you happy in all the areas? Who would take care of you when you're sick but the second you're better, fuck you up against the refrigerator without warning?"

"Oh god," James whispered, an involuntary shiver jolting him.

"What if there was someone who would take you on a romantic date to the mountains, spend the day playing in the snow with you but then lock you in a cabin and make love to you all night in front of a roaring fire?"

The vision was enough to have James biting his lip. "That doesn't exist, Lucy. Nobody has it all."

"Are you sure? You've never known anyone like that?"

James was fighting himself, not wanting to admit his next words. "I knew a guy once. He was uh...we were definitely on the same page sexually."

"Yeah? And what happened?"

"He ended up with someone else. We said goodbye."

"And was he like that? Someone who would do all of that for you?"

"I don't know. We only knew each other for a week."

"But...?"

"But...if anybody even came close to that ideal person you're describing, it's him. He could make me feel safe and at peace in one second, and the next we were ripping each others' clothes off. I mean...sort of. But don't you think if we were meant to be, we would've been? He obviously was in love with the other guy and not me. And I was in love with Logan."

Again Lucy hesitated. "Can I just run an idea by you? I'm afraid it's going to piss you off or—"

"Then don't say it."

"James, I think—"

"No, Lucy. I finally have what I want with Logan and nothing's going to get in the way of that."

"I'm not trying to break you guys up. I know you love each other very much."

"We do."

"Right, but...that doesn't mean it's a perfect situation. So here's my theory about it, and please remember I'm only trying to help." When James kept his mouth shut though he clearly wished _she_ was the one not speaking, she began, "You moved here to find yourself. To experience life in a way you never had. To experience love. Am I right so far?"

"Yes," he conceded.

"You were scared. Felt like a failure. Like no one could love you, that you weren't worthy of anyone."

"That's a little much."

"Is it?" she asked shrewdly. "Which part of that isn't true?" James defiantly held his silence. "So you were afraid of being judged, and then there was this nice guy who didn't judge you. He was lonely and felt like he'd never find anyone who would accept him, but you did. You guys formed this awesome, supportive friendship and got comfortable. It was safe and familiar. Neither of you was alone anymore."

"What's your point?"

"I'm just wondering if..."

"No. I know where you're going with that and the answer is no."

"No? So if you'd met someone else who accepted you first, you wouldn't have latched onto him instead? What if you'd met the other guy first? Or...did you?"

"None of that matters."

"I think it does, James."

"Logan and I love each other."

"Yes, but would you have loved someone else who came along first? Or did you two just settle for the first guy who accepted you?"

"Excuse me, nothing about Logan Mitchell is 'settling.' He's everything a guy could possibly want."

"Except in bed."

"Bed isn't important."

"Says the guy who almost creamed himself over the idea of being fucked against a refrigerator."

James' patience fled. "Look, you're wrong! We're happy together. I don't care about the sex! Logan was there for me when nobody else wanted to be. There's no way in hell I'd hurt him or walk away from that. He means everything to me, why can't you see that?"

"I do see it," Lucy sighed, knowing she'd pushed James too far; he'd gotten to that panicked stage where he was lashing out. "And I'm not saying it's wrong. I just wish you'd be honest with him about the sex, because you're not going to be happy until you do."

"I _am_ happy. That's what I'm trying to tell you."

"And with the sex you wouldn't be happier?"

"It's not like we don't have sex at all! I'll take what I can get and be satisfied with that."

"But that's my point, James. I don't think you _are_ satisfied."

"Well, you're wrong." James shoved away from the wall and stood up. "Logan and I belong together and I'm never leaving him. So just keep your theories to yourself."

"Okay. I'm sorry I upset you."

"Whatever. Let's just finish this."

For the next two hours, that's what they did. There was no more mention of James' sex life, but Lucy hoped she'd at least planted enough seeds to make him aware of things he purposely ignored.


	29. Chapter 29

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Hello to everyone reading this! Just a quick note for this chapter. To those who celebrate Thanksgiving, I'd like to wish you all a wonderful holiday spent doing what makes you happiest—whether it's spending time with family or friends, or just relaxing at home enjoying a nice day off. I'm thankful for all of you who read my stories. Thank you so much! Love you guys!

* * *

Logan smiled when he saw Kendall turn to look back at the young man who'd taken his movie ticket. "Cute, right?"

"He did a double take after telling me to enjoy the movie," Kendall admitted. "Either a hockey fan or gay. I'm going with gay since he gave me a flirty smile. Oh, you already got the snacks for us. You're amazing."

"I got here early," Logan shrugged. He passed over the drink carrier so he could better hold the popcorn and candy. "Maybe you should get his number."

"Are you kidding? With my luck, he's seventeen and one of our students. I'd be fired faster than you can say statutory rape. You ready?"

"Yep." They headed down the hall toward the theater. "You ate dinner first, right?"

"Nah, I'll just pig out on popcorn and grab something on the way home. Unless you still want to get ice cream at the diner?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because we both said no to meeting up. James told me you tried him, too."

Logan sighed. "I just really want you guys to get along."

"Dude, I'm sorry but you need to give up on that."

"I thought you were okay with him. You used to actually try to win him over."

"Yeah well...things change. Oh, right up there." Kendall pointed to a row that was only filled up halfway.

Once they were settled, they set the popcorn between them and divvied up the candy. Kendall smirked when he saw Logan had gotten Butterfinger bites. "I find it hilarious that when James is here, you don't buy candy. Like you don't want it. But when he's not, you always do."

"It's more fun to share his," Logan admitted with a smile. "Back before we were together, it felt kind of...I don't know. Romantic. Is that silly?"

"I don't think so," Kendall grinned. "It's cute. I'd love to find a guy who will share his candy with me."

It wasn't until after the Butterfinger box was broken open that Logan broached the subject. "So why _haven't_ we met any of the guys you've dated? Is the problem us or them?"

"Definitely them. They never get past the first date and I don't want to bring someone around who isn't going to last."

"Why is that?" Logan wondered, thinking about the fact that he'd at least made it to a second date. Even a third, technically. "Are you still looking for that...what was it you called it? That craving for you or whatever?"

"Yeah. No luck so far."

"Are they just not into sex?"

"Oh, they're definitely into sex. I just don't feel like they're into me."

"Isn't that kind of hard on a first date? I think you'd need more time to build up to that level of intensity you're looking for."

"You would think, wouldn't you?" Kendall sighed. "I was worried that my handicap would be a turn-off, but I've discovered there are guys who see it as a...novelty, I guess. Like 'Hey, I scored with a one-legged dude.'"

"That's horrible."

Kendall shrugged. "It's the dating world. But it doesn't bother me because I know they're not keepers once that's done. If I'm not feeling it by the end of the first date, I know it's not going to happen."

"How do you know, though?"

"Because I've felt it before and it was instantaneous. Like the second our eyes met, there was this...jolt. In my stomach. And it only got more intense once we actually got to know each other."

"Why aren't you dating that guy?"

"He's in love with someone else."

"Oh. So then it wasn't meant to be."

"Apparently not." Kendall ate his feelings with a large handful of Sour Patch Kids. "But he's happy, and that's all I care about."

Logan reached over to squeeze Kendall's wrist. "That's true love right there."

Kendall shrugged again. "One-sided, but...I'll just keep looking. He can't be the only one on Earth who makes me feel that way, right?"

The question was just desperate enough to have Logan looking over in concern. Kendall was working hard to bury the panic that his fear was correct, that no one would ever compare to this man who had affected him so deeply. "Hey. There's definitely someone out there for you. And he'll be lucky to have you." When Kendall's response was to sip at his drink as if the straw was a lifeline, Logan continued, "Maybe Lucy's onto something with the new shop guy. I know you don't want to date someone from work, but at least meet the guy and give him a chance before saying no."

"It's not like I have a choice. There'll be hell to pay if I don't go to the dance."

"Lucy wouldn't let you hear the end of it," Logan agreed. "But she's just trying to help."

"I know. Maybe I can sneak him into that corner for a kiss," Kendall chuckled, thinking of Lucy's earlier comment. That reminded him of James' reaction to it, pushing him to ask, "So how are things with you and James? Everything good?"

"Yeah, everything's great. I mean, we have our little idiosyncrasies that annoy each other sometimes, but every couple does."

"Don't judge me, but I have no idea what that word means."

"Sorry," Logan laughed. "It just means sometimes we get on each others' nerves with our habits. Like when he doesn't make the bed or leaves his million pairs of shoes all over the bedroom and I almost break my neck tripping over them. Things like that."

"That is normal," Kendall agreed. "Not the million pairs of shoes, but he is a bit of a diva, so..."

Logan grinned. "He is. But it's not like I don't annoy him sometimes, too. Like when I nag him to get out of bed in the morning or turn him down for sex at 3 A.M. That sort of thing."

Kendall blinked a few times before trusting himself to speak. "Sex at 3 A.M.?"

"Right? I just want to sleep. Why is that so bad?"

After swallowing hard, Kendall admitted, "I wouldn't mind sex at 3 A.M."

Logan glanced to his left to see if Kendall was being sincere. "You're serious? You wouldn't rather sleep when you know you have to get up early?"

"Well, I mean..."

Realizing that Kendall was embarrassed and feeling like a freak, Logan reassured him. "It's okay if that's the case, Kendall. Everyone's different about sex."

"I just...look, I'll be honest. If my man woke me up for sex during the night, I wouldn't complain. But maybe that's because I don't get it as often. You probably get it all the time, with James being so...you know."

Logan _didn't_ know, but ignored that in favor of answering. "I don't, actually. And I'm fine with that. I think it bothers James a little bit, to be honest. He seems to want sex all the time, and I just...don't?"

Kendall stared at Logan in the still-lit theater, not even aware of the commercials and promos being run in front of them. Logan wasn't rocking James' world every second he could? James, who went insane at the mere mention of being fucked? Who'd once told Kendall he'd "do anything he could get away with"? "I guess everyone's different. Like you said."

"It's not like it's a problem for us. I mean, yeah, it gets annoying sometimes when I'm busy and he's in the mood, and then he gets his feelings hurt like I'm rejecting him when it isn't _him_ I'm rejecting at all, but...he knows I love him. And I know he loves me. That's really all that matters."

Kendall nodded slowly. Jesus, was James barely holding on? Was he a powder keg about to go off from a mere string of words whispered in his ear? No wonder he'd been so uptight earlier when Kendall teased him. Now Kendall felt bad. He'd just been missing James _so much_ and it was the only way to be near him. The news that James was probably suffering just as intensely as Kendall was like having a bomb go off in his body. That need was back.

But really, had it ever gone away?

Seeing James every day at work was torture. Kendall had expected it to fade by now, had hoped that he would meet someone who took his mind off James. He'd dated. He'd fucked whenever he could, because finding a date who was open to sex was a piece of cake. Kendall had discovered that he liked sex. A lot.

He'd also discovered that even an entire evening in bed with another man couldn't compare to the satisfaction he got from kissing James. And that scared him.

"Make sure to wear a costume."

"What?" Kendall asked, jolted from his thoughts.

"Tomorrow. It's a winter dance but it's also Halloween, so it's a costume ball."

"How is it both?"

"Nightmare Before Christmas."

"Ah. That's very...Lucy. How did she get Kalvert to sign off on that?"

"Do you know who her uncle is?"

Kendall chuckled. Lucy _did_ use that to her advantage when necessary. Speaking of which...

Kendall pulled out his phone. "She just texted me. She and Jo are gonna meet us at the diner in a few hours."

Logan frowned. "No James?"

"No James. And Logan...you have to stop trying to force him to be around me."

"He hardly speaks to you at school. It's rude."

"It's...just let him be, okay? Let him do what he can handle."

"But it's ridiculous. You're not an asshole, you're someone who could be a good friend to him if he'd just let it happen."

 _I was that. And I threw it away because I don't trust myself._ "He's got Lucy."

"Who is scary."

"James can handle her," Kendall promised with a laugh. The lights went down and he kept the rest of what he'd been about to say to himself.

As far as James was concerned, it was probably best to keep _all_ of his thoughts to himself.

* * *

"Babe?"

Logan moved into the bedroom and his frown deepened. All of the lights in the apartment had been off, and James wasn't in here asleep. He tried a text and waited a full minute, but that went unanswered. It wasn't like James to stay out and not get in touch.

He finally found James on their small patio, sitting with his back to the glass door in the weak light from the neighbor's lamp. James was writing in a notebook. Logan hesitated, not wanting to interrupt what was most likely songwriting; James didn't get inspired too often. He suddenly set down a pen and leaned back in the chair, and Logan felt it safe to approach.

He slid the door open, James jumping before settling down and twisting his head back. "Hey."

"Hey, beautiful." Logan dropped a kiss to James' forehead. "We missed you at the diner. Lucy had a double scoop in your honor."

"Right, I'm sure that was all for my benefit," James smirked. "How was the movie?"

"Okay. The plot started out well, but somewhere along the way it lost the main thread and just...went off in another direction I didn't care for. Kendall liked it a lot, though."

"Sounds about right."

"Am I interrupting? I can leave you alone if you're still working on this."

"No, I think I'm done for now. What I really need is some hot cocoa."

"I think I can manage that," Logan smiled. James tipped his face up, and Logan leaned down for the kiss. "Don't go anywhere."

"Never."

When Logan returned to the patio with two steaming mugs, James reached up for his cocoa. "Thanks, babe."

"No problem. Tea is just what I need to settle me for the night."

"My old man's gotta have his tea," James teased.

"Shut up." Logan was grinning as he sat down next to James, though. "I'm glad you're still awake, we need to figure out our costumes for tomorrow night."

"I thought we already did. Aren't we doing Grease?"

"I know, but...promise you won't laugh?"

"I never promise that. But I _can_ promise that it won't be at your expense."

Logan's lips curved up. "Would you be shocked if I told you I don't want to be the preppy goody-two-shoes for once?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, our costumes are both Danny Zuko, only you're the Greaser version and I'm the preppy one from the end of the story."

"Right. You want to do something else?"

"I don't know. It's just that it's Halloween, you know? A time to be...different. I kind of want to be different for one night."

"Oh. Okay, we don't have to do Grease."

"We already put together our costumes, though."

James sipped at his hot drink and studied Logan with narrowed eyes. "I bet I could fit into that sweater you bought. You could definitely fit into my leather jacket."

Logan frowned. "What are you saying?"

"What if we just switched it up? You're the Greaser and I'm the prep."

The idea amused Logan. "You hate being the prep."

"It's Halloween. Let's live a little."

"You're serious? You'd do that for me?"

"Well, I mean, I do get something out of it. I get to see you in leather with your hair all teased up and...oh, fuck, Logan. That's hot. I swear, if you deny me sex after I have to stare at you like that all night without touching you, I'll—"

"It's fine," Logan soothed. "Relax. It's a special occasion, we can have sex tomorrow night. You're always extra horny on Saturdays anyway, so I was already planning on it."

James had no comment for that other than, "Thank you."

When James' eyes returned to the notebook, Logan's were drawn to it as well. Even from the side, he could easily make out the scribbles because he'd come to know James' writing so well. The lyrics had his brows rising. "Wow. That's...quite a song."

"Just kind of...came to me. And before you ask, it's not about anyone in particular. It's more about the feeling."

"You sure about that? 'Can't control these demons, baby you're the reason.' 'You're everything I need, nobody can fix me like you.' 'I need some reminding of how you possess me so good.' Is there something you're not sharing with me?"

"It's not necessarily how I feel. I'm writing a song. Something people can relate to. We all know sex sells."

Logan leaned back into the chair, wondering how to address the questions running through his mind without setting James off. "Babe...are you happy with me?"

"What? What kind of question is that? Of course I am. Who's putting ideas in your head?"

"Nobody," Logan replied. "Sometimes I wonder about that guy, though."

"What guy?"

"The one you were talking to online. I'm assuming you lied about it being a girl?"

James looked away, ashamed. "Yeah."

"You were really into this guy. You said it was just practice, but I saw how much it hurt you when he cut you off. And sometimes I wonder if you only wanted me because you couldn't have him."

"Are you crazy? The opposite is true! I only wanted _him_ because I couldn't have _you."_

Logan bit his lip. "Really?"

"Yes! If I'd had a choice it would've been you. From day one, Logan. It's always been you. How can you doubt that after everything we've been through?"

Logan shrugged, then nudged the notebook. "Because you write songs like this. Because you get upset with me when I'm not in the mood. Because you don't even ask anymore."

James closed his eyes. "I don't ask because I don't want to push you away. I know your feelings about sex and I respect them. It doesn't make me love you any less. I'm always afraid I'm gonna annoy you with it, so...I just don't bother."

"I'm sorry if I'm not enough for you in that area."

"Logan, stop. You're perfect." James set down his mug and leaned closer to capture Logan's chin in his hand until Logan was forced to stare back. "I love you. I don't care about the sex. It's fun when it happens but when it doesn't...oh well. It's not what we're made of." He gently dragged Logan closer so that he could press a brief kiss to his lips. "This is."

"And that's okay? You don't feel cheated somehow?"

"Out of what? I have the most understanding, accepting boyfriend in the world. He loves me, he takes care of me, he puts up with me. What more could I possibly ask for?"

Logan nodded slowly. "That's how I feel, too."

"Then why are we even discussing this? I wrote a song because I needed one more for the album. Rob said songs like this have a better chance at getting to radio. That's all there is to it."

"Okay."

"And hey, who says the song _isn't_ about you? Maybe I do crave you like that and I just never say it because I don't want to scare you away."

"I don't mind knowing that you want me, James. You can tell me things like that."

"Maybe next time I will. Maybe tomorrow night," James winked.

Logan laughed, feeling a little better about the situation. He pulled James in for a kiss, James smiling into it until Logan broke the connection to speak. "We need to get to bed if we're gonna meet Lucy for breakfast."

"Right." James knew that by "bed" Logan meant sleep, and he refused to let it disappoint him. Lucy was wrong, Logan was wrong, the whole fucking world was wrong if they thought he'd choose sex over the security Logan provided him.

Sex was just an optional cherry on top. Nobody turned down a sundae just because the cherry was missing. The ice cream and hot fudge were what really mattered.

* * *

Kendall's alarm went off at 2:45 A.M. He groaned and shut it off with a slap, almost asleep again when he remembered why he'd set the alarm.

It was stupid. Just a vague hope that would go nowhere and he'd feel like an idiot when 3:15 rolled around and he was still sitting there wishing for something that would never be.

Still, thirty minutes out of his night was worth even the possibility that this wish would come true, so he rolled out of bed and secured his prosthetic, then trudged to the bathroom.

By 2:55 he was seated on his sofa and attempting to stay awake with a mug of hot cocoa, his phone nearby and silent.

 _This is dumb. Even if he does show up, so what? It changes nothing._

But it did, because it would mean James needed him. And Kendall was damned if he wasn't going to be a friend when James was in need.

He'd dozed off when a ding from his phone startled him. 3:03.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I know this is crazy, and I'm sure you're sound asleep, but would you happen to be around? I need a friend.

 _YES! Fuck yes, I fucking_ knew _it!_

Kendall made himself more comfortable after setting aside the cocoa. He had to be careful with this, because he would be tempted to flirt and that wasn't what James was looking for.

 _At least not anymore._

It didn't matter. James needed him.

 **Rusherone:** Would you believe I actually am awake?

The reply didn't come right away. Had James given up already? Realized what a horrible idea this was and gone back to bed wishing he hadn't given in to the temptation?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Why?

 **Rusherone:** Couldn't sleep. You having the same problem?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Woke up from a weird dream. I've been having them a lot lately.

 **Rusherone:** Anything you want to share?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. Not worth thinking about.

 **Rusherone:** Okay. I'm here if you want to talk.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I know. I appreciate that. I don't really know what to say. I just felt kind of alone.

 **Rusherone:** Well, snuggle up against me and let me hold you. I'll even let you keep the shirt on. ;)

Damn, he was flirting. He needed to stop that. Amazing that when he'd first met King, he hadn't been able to flirt worth a damn.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I appreciate that. You're already making me laugh, so this was a good decision. Even if it's a bad decision.

 **Rusherone:** We can be friends without the other stuff.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I know that. You were the one who insisted we stop talking.

 **Rusherone:** I did, because I didn't trust myself. I knew I'd still want you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So now you don't want me anymore?

 **Rusherone:** I never said that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are you still with your guy? Things going well?

 **Rusherone:** I'm not seeing anyone. You're still with your dude, right?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yep. Three months down.

 **Rusherone:** I'm happy for you. I know how much you love him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I do. I'm sorry it didn't work out with your guy.

 **Rusherone:** Wasn't meant to be. But as I'm not getting sex regularly, forgive me if I forget myself and flirt with you. You always were hard to resist.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Not so sure about that. I mean, I know I'm hot. Everyone's said it all my life. They wanted me to model, for heaven's sake.

 **Rusherone:** Right, so why are you doubting that?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't know. I just don't feel very attractive these days. The only person to show any attraction to me at all is the person I need to see it from the least.

 **Rusherone:** Oh? Does your boyfriend not show it?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's just his way. He's not wired like us. I know he loves me.

 **Rusherone:** But?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** But nothing. He loves me. Why does it feel like suddenly everyone doubts us?

 **Rusherone:** I'm not doubting you. You brought it up, I was just following through. Because I care.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Why, though? You've never even met me.

 **Rusherone:** So I have to meet you in order to care? Like our friendship was nothing because it was only online?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's not what I said.

 **Rusherone:** Then explain. Because I'll be honest...your friendship meant more to me than I ever admitted.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Then why did you just walk away? That hurt a lot. I know that you were in love with someone else and I get that, but what was I supposed to do? Just be okay with it?

 **Rusherone:** I'm sorry about that. There's no way to explain it. I did what seemed best at the time.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And now that you're alone again you want me back?

 **Rusherone:** I just want to talk to you. I miss you. I'm aware that it's a bad idea and I know I should stay away from you but I miss you so much. I'm not asking for the sex again.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Good, because sex doesn't matter.

 **Rusherone:** No?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. It's not important.

 **Rusherone:** That makes me a little sad.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Why?

 **Rusherone:** Because three months ago you had a drastically different outlook on sex. I liked that you and I saw eye to eye on that. I loved that I could flip that switch in you with just a few words.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well, I grew up. Sex is just the cherry on the sundae.

 **Rusherone:** The what?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** The cherry. Like if you make a sundae, what's the foundation? Ice cream, hot fudge, maybe some whipped cream. Do you really need the cherry to enjoy it?

 **Rusherone:** I don't know about you, but a sundae isn't complete to me without a nice big banana.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're a perv. Stop making me laugh or I'll wake him up and have to go back to bed.

 **Rusherone:** I love that you laughed at that, though. I really have missed you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I miss you, too.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. And I shouldn't, because I have the world's most perfect boyfriend.

 **Rusherone:** Nobody's perfect. We all have our flaws.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He is. I'd be lost without him.

 **Rusherone:** Does he really not find you attractive? That's hard to believe.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I think he does. He calls me beautiful all the time. He's just not into sex so much.

 **Rusherone:** And I know you are.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I can live without it. We do have sex.

 **Rusherone:** How often?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Enough.

 **Rusherone:** Is it?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes. Even if he decided he never wanted sex again, that would be fine. Sex isn't worth losing a relationship over.

 **Rusherone:** That doesn't mean you can't miss it. Does he give you what you need? When you do have sex, is it as amazing as you always imagined it to be?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's great.

 **Rusherone:** Okay. As long as you're happy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I am.

 **Rusherone:** Then why are we talking right now? You said you need a friend.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I'm even here right now.

 **Rusherone:** Tell me about your dream.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't want to think about it. I should get back to bed.

 **Rusherone:** Wait, please don't go. I hate not knowing if I'll ever talk to you again. Please give me another five minutes.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What is there to say?

 **Rusherone:** We don't have to talk. Can you just lay here in my arms and let me enjoy having you near?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Even with a shirt on? ;)

 **Rusherone:** Wear a jacket for all I care. Just don't leave me yet.

The vision was impossible to fight. James closed his eyes and felt it, those long arms wrapped around him while peace settled in his heart and mind. Longing filled him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I need to go.

 **Rusherone:** Okay. Thanks for talking to me. I hope things get better with your boyfriend.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Everything's fine.

 **Rusherone:** I'm glad.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I do have one question, though. Before we say goodnight.

 **Rusherone:** I'm here.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You had sex, right? Since we stopped talking?

 **Rusherone:** I have.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And it was incredible? As hot as we always used to imagine it?

 **Rusherone:** You want the truth?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You said always between us.

 **Rusherone:** Okay. No, it wasn't. I tried a handful of different guys, looking for that. I still haven't found it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So it's not just me? I'm not crazy to want that?

 **Rusherone:** No. I'm not giving up, though. Somewhere out there is the guy who can make me feel like you do. I just have to find him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm sorry. I want you to be happy.

 **Rusherone:** I'll get there. Does that mean sex with your boyfriend isn't as great as you pretend it is?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm not complaining.

 **Rusherone:** Maybe you should.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Look, none of that matters. I told you, sex doesn't matter. I can live without it just fine.

 **Rusherone:** You're sure?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Positive.

 **Rusherone:** You're bent over my kitchen table, ready for me. Your clothes are strewn across the floor because that's where I threw them when I ripped them off you. I slide in slowly, but once I'm there I'm gone again because what I really need is to fuck you hard. The table shakes under us and we think it might break under the intensity but we don't stop, you just keep moaning and begging for more and I give it because I need you just as bad. The world stops until we come, because nothing else exists. Not time, not space, not even the phone ringing or that meeting we're supposed to be at. All that exists is us and the way we feel.

He'd done it this time; James was silent too long. No doubt he'd shut off his phone and was now running back to Logan, afraid of what the words had made him feel.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Or maybe not.

 **Rusherone:** I was making a point.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** WHAT POINT? THAT YOU STILL KNOW HOW TO FUCKING FLIP THAT SWITCH? FUCK YOU! THIS IS NOT WHAT I NEED FROM YOU. I ASKED FOR FRIENDSHIP.

 **Rusherone:** I'm sorry. Please don't go.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh, you'd better believe I'm going. Hope you enjoyed talking to me tonight, because this is the last you'll see of me. Have a great life.

 **Rusherone:** Please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you away.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Too late.

 _Kingofdiamonds has left the chat._

 _Fuck._ Well, Kendall supposed he deserved that. He thought he'd made his point, though—no matter what James said, sex did matter to him.

The knowledge did Kendall no good, however. James was steadfastly devoted to Logan, and Logan to James. As he and Lucy had agreed three months ago, those two belonged together.

Of course, at the time Kendall had assumed James would wake up Logan's dormant sex drive. He'd thought the problem was that he wasn't James, and that was why Logan wasn't into the physical side of things.

But apparently that was just Logan's way. James had learned that and accepted it. James was willing to suffer because having Logan at his side was worth that. It was one of the reasons Kendall loved him so much, that innate loyalty and devotion Kendall would kill for in a boyfriend.

 _One day, Kendall. One day you'll find him._

At the moment, his only prospect was a shop teacher he hadn't even met. Kendall still wasn't convinced that dating a fellow teacher was a good idea, but it was better than nothing.

Anything was better than the darkness that called to him in times of loneliness.

* * *

 **A/N—** The song lyrics James wrote in this chapter are from "Addicted" by James Maslow.


	30. Chapter 30

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Yes, I'm already back again. I really need to stop posting so often. But if you guys don't mind it, then why should I? As always I thank you for reading. :)

* * *

The three small sets of metal bleachers were filled to capacity, but they'd been smart enough to have Jennifer and Logan save their spaces before loading up at the snack bar. James settled in between the two of them while Lucy and Katie sank down behind the other three one tier up. Food and drinks were passed around, Lucy setting her Coke down near her feet before passing Katie's to her.

Or at least attempting to. Katie's gaze was glued to a boy doing warm-up exercises with her brother. Number 17, which Lucy recalled was the same boy she'd been watching upon arrival. That was before the black-haired beauty with the crystal blue eyes had donned a helmet.

"He's a cutie, isn't he?" Lucy mused.

Realizing she'd been caught, Katie blushed bright red and reached for her soda. "Thanks. I don't remember seeing him before."

"Kendall brought him up from the JV team for this game. There's a lot on the line."

"Can you imagine if they make it to state?" Jennifer beamed. "They started off in last place this season but now they're one game away from the championship. I'm so proud of my baby!"

"It was a smart move on his part," James commented. "That kid's really good. Kind of reminds me of Kendall when he plays, all that fire and skill."

Logan turned to face James. "Wow, did I just hear you compliment Kendall?"

"Hey, I never said he wasn't talented on the ice. Even with that fake skate, he's a powerful force."

Jennifer's mouth turned down. "Still not good enough to make it in the pros, and I know that bothers him. But look at him out there, he's still got that fire James mentioned. There's no way the team is going to lose this game."

Katie waited until everyone's attention was on the ice to address Lucy quietly. "So, you said JV? Meaning he still has a few more years at Lincoln?"

Lucy grinned. "He's a sophomore. You'll get two years with him. Unless he's not as great at academics and gets held back; then it would be more."

"Wonder how I can make that happen," Katie smirked.

"Just remember, your brother holds that boy's future in his hands. I've heard he wants to go all the way with hockey, so he can't do anything to piss off Kendall."

"Damn. I'll never get close to him."

Lucy laughed before nudging Katie's shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll handle Kendall-the-overprotective-brother-coach. I've got stuff to blackmail him with."

"Really?" Katie gasped. "That's like...my dream in life. The guy has no secrets, what could you possibly have over his head?"

"You'd be surprised," was all Lucy said.

They continued to watch the teams warm up, Lucy able to feel Kendall's nerves and tension from across the building. If he could get his team to state by winning this game, it would be the proof he needed to believe that he _was_ still worthy and relevant. He'd been searching for his place ever since the accident, and Lucy knew how badly he wanted this to be it.

"You got this," she said under her breath. "Make us proud."

* * *

Two-thirds of the way through the game the Patriots were ahead, but only by one goal. The last period would decide everything, and the crowd's excited anticipation could be felt around the building. Katie and Logan had escaped to the bathroom, leaving Lucy to her own thoughts while Jennifer tried again to cajole James into joining her and the family for lunch after the game.

"Logan has to get home and work on school stuff." The answer never changed, but Lucy had to respect that Jennifer continued to wear him down.

"I figured that was the case. I just keep hoping that one day I'll ask and you'll surprise me by saying yes. Logan's more than welcome to join us, you know."

"I know, and I appreciate that. But his schoolwork comes first, and I actually have things to do at the school myself."

"What about breakfast tomorrow, then? You did love those waffles."

"I did," James admitted. "But we're doing an early movie tomorrow. Sundays are our date...well, I'd say nights but it lasts all day, so..."

"Kendall mentioned something about a dance tonight, too. I suppose you and Logan will be going to that?"

"We will," he nodded.

"So that leaves out dinner. I know I'm a pain, James, but even if we go to state, that only leaves one more game this season. Two, if we make it to nationals. And I wouldn't see you at that game."

"Depends on how far away it is. If we can manage it, we'll go. But we'll drive out for state, I promise. And if Logan says he's too busy, I'll go alone."

"You'd do that?" Jennifer asked in surprise. "For Kendall?"

"I love hockey and I believe in this team. Kendall's really put his heart and soul into them and it shows. I mean, look at the way they're playing now compared to how they played three months ago. The same players. The difference is Kendall."

"Coach Teague says the same thing," Jennifer smiled. "And I think that prosthetic has helped immensely. He feels more involved on the ice. He's always been more about showing something than saying it."

An amused sound came from James. "You're telling me. But you're right, the fact that he can skate with them made all the difference."

Lucy found the entire conversation hilarious. She knew James would die if anyone overheard him complimenting Kendall to this degree. Bending down to reach for her drink, she almost dropped it in shock at Jennifer's next words.

"Thank you again for helping with that. Your half of the cost made it possible."

"You were going to do it anyway," James deflected.

"Yes, but this way I'm able to pay off the loan faster. Thanks to your generosity, Katie's getting a new phone for her birthday in a few months. Don't tell her, though. It's a surprise. And that wouldn't have been possible if you hadn't helped pay for the skate."

James leaned closer to admit, "It was my pleasure, honestly. Seeing him out there with that passion again...that life...that's worth more money than anyone could come up with. I'd pay anything to keep that fire burning."

The reappearance of Logan in their midst brought the conversation to a halt, but Lucy had heard enough. How had no one shared with her that James helped pay for that skate? How had Kendall himself never mentioned it?

 _He doesn't know. There's no other explanation. He has no idea, because..._

Because James would rather die than admit he cared for Kendall. But why would he be willing to pay so much money for someone he hardly knew? This had been three months ago, right? Back then they'd seemed to hate each other even more than they did now. Back then...

Did James know that Kendall was Rush? He'd liked Rush—hated Kendall. He would've done it for Rush, no question.

Nothing else made sense to Lucy. She waited until the game was back in play to text Kendall, knowing he'd see it before they all left the building in (hopefully) great spirits.

" _We need to talk. I just found out something you're not going to believe."_

* * *

Logan insisted they wait for Kendall in order to congratulate him; surprisingly, James didn't argue.

The victorious coach was greeted by hug after hug when he finally reached the lobby, James being the last to address him. Kendall hesitated, unsure how to approach James (or even if he should), but James managed a smile before hugging Kendall tight and whispering, "You're fucking amazing. I'm so proud of you."

Kendall closed his eyes and squeezed tighter, wishing the moment could go on forever. He tried not to think about how much more James would hate him if the truth of his identity ever came to light. "Thanks. Please come to state."

"I'll be there."

"Honey, I don't mean to rush you but our time is short since you have to get ready for this dance thing."

"Right." Kendall stepped away from James, who quickly moved back into place next to Logan. "See you all tonight?"

"We'll be there," Logan smiled. "Really proud of you, Kendall. Your boys were fantastic."

"They just needed someone to show them they could be," Kendall grinned. He waved them off before remembering Lucy. "Uh...Mom, I'll meet you guys at the car. I need to talk to Lucy really quick." At his mother's exasperated look, he added, "It's about the dance tonight. Sorry, we have to do this now."

"Okay, just remember that the more time you talk, the less time we have for lunch."

"I know. Be right out." Once they were gone, Kendall made sure no one else was paying him and Lucy any attention. "Okay, what's so urgent?"

"Does James know you're Rush?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. He never would've hugged me like that if he knew." When she looked like she was about to point out that it would only make James like him more, Kendall added, "We had a fight last night. Online. He's not speaking to me, probably ever again."

"I thought you two weren't speaking at all."

"Well, last night was...nevermind. Trust me, he has no clue. Why do you ask?"

"He paid for half your skate."

Kendall was dumbfounded. "What?"

"I heard him talking about it with your mom. She was thanking him for the money and he said something about how he'd pay anything to keep your...fire burning. Whatever that means."

He was having a hard time breathing. "That's impossible. I went with her the day we ordered it. She put a down payment on it. He was nowhere around."

"All I'm saying is that he helped pay for it. When was this?"

"I don't know, it was the weekend they first came out here. The weekend I told them I was gay. The day...oh my god."

"What?"

Kendall moved closer to hiss, "The day we kissed! The day it all went to shit, when I found out it was him and I broke it off and I dumped Logan and then kissed James again and...you're telling me that day he agreed to pay for that? But why? What does it mean?"

"I don't know. Maybe just that he believed in you."

"He hated me."

"He kissed you."

"No, _I_ kissed _him."_

"Did he fight it?"

"No," Kendall admitted with a sigh. "He was on fire for me. God, I miss that."

"And you're sure he doesn't know you're Rush?"

"Yes!"

"Then maybe he had some sort of feelings for you even back then. Not Rush, but _you."_

"Well obviously, if he kissed me like that. I just don't understand why he'd hide it. Why he wouldn't tell me. Why my _mother_ wouldn't tell me."

"Knowing James, he made her keep it a secret. He wouldn't want anyone to know he cared about you. Especially not you."

"Fuck. Like I wasn't already in love with him. When did he develop such a huge heart?"

Lucy shrugged even though they both knew the answer—when Logan came into his life. "I just thought you should know. Do with the information what you will."

"There are _so_ many ways I'd like to thank him for that."

"Psst. You're in public. Stop the porn going on in your head."

"Shut up," Kendall chuckled. "He brings that out in me. Well. Okay then. Anything else?"

"Nope. Just show up tonight ready to be nice to the new guy."

"Yeah yeah. It's not like I'm gonna be a dick."

"You'd better not. Okay, I have to get home and change and then meet James and the kids over at the school. You need a ride tonight?"

"No, Logan's picking me up. I was going to ask you for a ride home."

"Deal, but you'll have to stay and help clean up."

Kendall shrugged. "Not like I have anything better to do, right?"

* * *

Lucy giggled when James sauntered by with a cup of punch.

"Stop it."

"I'm sorry, it doesn't matter how many times I look at you, I can't get over your costume. You make such a pretty preppy boy."

"Can it, Lucy."

"I just don't think I've ever seen you wear so much white. Didn't Danny Zuko only wear a white sweater and not the entire outfit? Has Logan seen you in this yet?"

"No, because he originally picked it out for himself."

"He's going to eat you alive once he gets a look."

"Actually, I'm more concerned that you'll do that, considering your costume. Really, Lucy? Zombie Virgin Mary?"

"Hey, it satisfies both Halloween and Christmas."

"I'm pretty sure it's blasphemy in at least two religions."

"It's creative. Jo liked it. She helped me with the robes."

"Yeah, the dirt stains are a nice touch. Where the hell is my man?"

"Relax, I'm sure they're on their way. Oh! There's Carlos! Come on!"

"Who?"

There was no time to say more than that, and barely time to set down the punch so that it didn't spill, before James was dragged away. Lucy pulled him around and past dancing bodies toward the entrance, where they stopped in front of a shorter man dressed in loafers, rolled-up jeans, a sweater topped by a bowtie, and a pair of glasses with tape holding them together. His black hair was slicked down other than a cowlick that stuck up at the back, and the obvious nerves he was suffering due to being in a new social setting fit in perfectly with the costume.

"Hi!" Lucy greeted him, hugging him in a sweetly welcoming way she'd never shown James, Kendall, or Logan. "Welcome to my nightmare!"

"Wow, you weren't kidding about the theme. This is crazy!"

"Thanks! I can't wait until they crown the Pumpkin King and Queen tonight. Those poor saps have no idea the crowns are black and shaped like bats. Oh, Carlos, this is James! He's in the performing arts department. James, Carlos is the new shop teacher."

James had already figured that out with the way Lucy was gushing over him. "Hi," he smiled, doing the polite thing and shaking Carlos' hand. "Welcome to Lincoln High. Are we both wearing cardigans?"

"We are!" Carlos exclaimed. "Are you a nerd, too? Or...wait, that red and white theme looks familiar."

"I'm preppy Danny Zuko."

"Dude, yes! I love _Grease!_ Where's your Sandy?"

"Uh...not here yet. Also not a Sandy. I could swear you raided my boyfriend's side of the closet for that sweater."

Though James normally wouldn't out himself so blatantly, it was an attempt to put Carlos at ease and let him know he was among a "friend" of sorts. Lucy had already vouched for Carlos' discretion, and he prayed she was right. Either way, the gesture did its job; Carlos grinned. "I just hope I don't offend any _actual_ nerds that might be here."

"Well, our favorite nerd's not here yet, so..." Lucy cried out when James smacked her shoulder. "Ow! Oh come on, you call him a nerd all the time."

"He's my boyfriend, I'm allowed to. Carlos, the punch isn't that great, but would you like some? There are also cookies."

"Sure, but first..." When Carlos leaned in toward them looking a bit embarrassed, he stated, "I don't come around the gym often. Is there a bathroom around here?"

"Right over there." James pointed to an area just outside the double doors that were propped open. "Make sure you get your hand stamped so you don't have to pay again."

"Got it," Carlos chuckled.

Lucy shared, "We'll be over by the food. That's where we told our buddies to meet us."

"Awesome, since I love to eat," Carlos winked. "See you guys."

Once he was gone, Lucy took James' hand to lead him back toward the refreshments. "So? What do you think? Is Kendall going to love him or what?"

"Uh...maybe out of costume. I hardly talked to the guy, Lucy, how would I know?"

"Just give me a first impression."

"He's nice. Friendly. Short."

"Kendall doesn't care about that sort of thing."

"No, I suppose he wouldn't. I mean, he dated Logan."

"Exactly! I really have a good feeling about this. And I want Kendall to find someone, he's so lonely."

"Is he?" James wondered for a second why he even cared. "He seems fine with dating random guys."

"He's not. He hates it. What he really wants is a steady boyfriend who belongs to him and likes it that way. I think Carlos might be perfect."

James poured himself another cup of punch to quench his suddenly-dry throat. "Likes it that way?"

"Yeah, you know. The type who likes to be possessed. Owned. But not in an abusive, scary way. He'd want the guy to own him, too. I don't know, he tried to explain it to me once and I didn't really get it."

James did. James definitely got it, because it was what the majority of his fantasies including Logan _(and Rush, don't forget Rush)_ revolved around. Best not to think about that, though, especially in a room full of students and in white pants tight enough to show off his...assets. "Seriously, where the fuck are they?"

"They're coming, relax. Knowing Logan, he was running late because he got caught up in his lesson plans so that made both of them late."

That did sound like Logan. James just wished they would hurry. Seeing his boyfriend in black leather and with his hair teased in a seductive manner was exactly what he needed to get his mind off of...other things.

* * *

Logan peeked at his phone as he and Kendall headed toward the gym. "James has texted me three times wondering where we are."

"Well, it's your own fault. You were the one late to pick me up."

"I had a lot to finish, okay? And why was it I didn't have all day to work on that? Hmm? Oh right, because I was too busy cheering someone on at a hockey game."

Kendall grinned. "I really do appreciate that you came."

"I know. Hang on a second, your armor's slipping."

After stopping to let Logan fix him, Kendall stared down at his feet. "You can see the prosthetic poking up the from the shoe, can't you?"

"Nobody cares, Kendall. I promise."

"What if Lucy didn't tell this shop guy about it? That might scare him away."

"Then he's not worthy of you." Logan stepped back to look Kendall up and down. "Perfect. You look like a true knight."

"My mother said the same thing. Then again, she always pulls that 'true knight' crap on me. Figured it was an ironic sort of costume. Didn't stop to think about how uncomfortable all this armor would be, though."

"It's not heavy, is it?"

"Not really. Just awkward to walk in. Like I don't have enough trouble walking as it is."

"You do fine. And you look great. I think losing the helmet was a good idea. Somehow your blond hair just makes you look more noble."

"Okay, William Shakespeare."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Humor me. You ready to go blow your man's mind with your sexiness?"

"God, I just hope he can rein himself in. The last thing we need is to get kicked out because he can't keep his hands to himself and attacks me in front of everyone."

"In case you've forgotten, I know a corner in the gym where nobody—"

"Yes yes, horndog, I know." They made it to the building and got in line to buy tickets. "As long as he waits until we get home, it's fine."

"Nothing wrong with a little spontaneous making out to shake things up, you know."

"Well then let's hope this shop guy is waiting for you in that corner." Logan turned a smile on the student working the table. "Hello, Grace. Stuck here all night?"

"Only for an hour, Mr. Mitchell. You look..."

Sudden self-doubt assaulted Logan. "What? That bad?"

"No, not at all! I've just never seen you so..."

Kendall smirked while passing over enough cash to cover both tickets. "She's trying to say you look hot," he whispered.

"Now I'm paranoid. Here, give me my ticket. I'll meet you inside."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm just gonna run to the bathroom and make sure I look okay."

"Logan, you look fine."

"Go without me!"

Kendall rolled his eyes but followed instructions. He spotted Lucy and James near the punch, having to bite his lip hard to keep from groaning at the sight of James in such tight white pants. James turned toward Lucy, giving Kendall a better view of his ass, and Kendall almost tripped over himself.

The man was trying to kill him.

* * *

Logan was grateful to have the mens' room to himself; no one should have to witness him fretting over the curl of bangs hanging down his forehead. Logan had never had bangs in his life. He also had never worn so much black. It felt strange when he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, but also...exhilarating. Dangerous. For one night, maybe he could actually pull off this bad boy image.

James certainly wasn't going to mind it.

But Logan wouldn't think about that now. He'd worry about James' overactive libido when they got home tonight. He'd make it clear from the get-go that he wasn't interested in any kind of roleplay, and—

A toilet flushed, causing Logan to sigh. How had he missed that one of the stalls was occupied? Oh well, he just needed to fix this one piece of—

A door banged open and Logan's gaze in the mirror caught on the man walking toward the sinks. Not someone he'd seen before, unless his costume was that good. Logan could appreciate the style even though he'd never been quite _that_ nerdy.

The guy looked up before Logan could avert his gaze, their eyes meeting in the mirror and both of them freezing in place. It was always awkward to look at another man in the john, which was why men didn't do this. Logan needed to look away.

 _Now._

Instead his gaze was drawn into eyes so dark they were almost black while his stomach did some sort of weird somersault thing.

Why couldn't he look away?

A pair of students entering the room took care of that, breaking whatever it was that had kept Logan glued to the nerd. Needing something to do, he turned on the faucet. The nerd stepped up slowly to the next sink and did the same. The boys entered different stalls.

"Hey."

The greeting was so quiet it almost went unheard, but Logan picked it up over the sound of running water. "Hi." Liquid soap was suddenly his best friend; it gave him a reason to prolong the moment, though if someone had asked he couldn't have explained why that was even necessary.

"Nice jacket."

"Thanks. Nice...sweater."

The guy's eyes twinkled as he smiled. "Belongs to my dad. I figured red and green would work for a Christmas dance."

"Ah, but you're forgetting the Halloween side of it."

The guy dried his hands before pointing toward his feet. Logan laughed when he noted black and orange socks. "You did come prepared."

"I always do."

And wow, did that come off flirty. A thrill worked its way up Logan's body. None of this made any sense. He reached for a paper towel, wondering why the guy seemed to be waiting for him.

Wondering why he _liked_ that the guy was waiting for him.

The stranger held the door for Logan, who thanked him before walking back into the hallway. "Did you get your ticket yet?"

"Yeah. I've already been inside. Just came out to...uh..."

"No explanation needed," Logan laughed again. "Are you...why haven't I seen you before?"

"Oh, I don't leave the shop area much. I might if I knew people, but..."

"Oh. Are you the new shop teacher?"

"Just subbing for now. But yeah. Hoping I get to stick around permanently. Not that I want Ingram to stay sick! That came out wrong."

"I know what you meant," Logan assured him, reaching out to squeeze his arm. Damn, the guy was almost as built as James. Never would've known it under that sweater. "It's auto shop, right?"

"Yeah! Cars are my first love. Probably the only women I'll ever want to get inside of, if you get my drift."

It was cheesy, but the wink the guy added to it made it adorable for some reason. "I know the feeling."

A smirk met the comment. "Yeah?"

Why was he still holding on to the guy's bicep? Logan dropped his hand in a hurry, not missing that the guy seemed a tad disappointed. "My dad was into cars. Used to take me to car shows all the time when I was a kid. We bonded a lot over our love of powerful engines." Why was he talking about this? He never talked about this because it hurt to think about his father. He'd never even talked to _James_ about this. What sort of magic was this guy weaving over him?

"My uncle's the car guy in my family. But same thing, we used to go to car shows all the time. Still do, actually."

"I miss that," Logan admitted. "Haven't really thought about it since my dad died, but...I really do miss it. We didn't have a lot in common, actually. Cars were the thing that we both understood and could talk about."

"You should come with us Friday night! They put on a great show over in Shorewood. We go once a month and it's a blast."

What was he thinking? Him at a car show? Maybe he was getting a little too carried away with the costume and letting it go to his head. There was no way in hell James would want to go to something like that.

 _James._

The name was like a wake-up call. James was waiting for him inside the gym, probably thinking Logan got lost in the bathroom and about to send out a search party—or worse, come looking himself. "I'll think about it," Logan finally said, having no intention of doing so. "We should get inside."

"Right. The dance. Would you believe I forgot about it for a few minutes?"

Yes, Logan would, because he had, too. Who the hell _was_ this guy? "I'm Logan, by the way. Math."

"Hello, Logan." The smile his name was pronounced with was definitely flirty. "I'm Carlos. Very nice to meet you."

And yeah, Carlos definitely held his hand longer than was proper.

Logan couldn't get to James fast enough, because something about Carlos scared him to death.


	31. Chapter 31

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Hey guys! So I meant to mention this in the last chapter and forgot. I'm aware that hockey season usually goes on much longer, but for this story I needed the championships to happen around Christmas. Normally I think they're in March. I apologize for any confusion on that, I really do know more about hockey than you'd think reading my stories. What I don't know are cars, so forgive any errors regarding that. There's a reason I'm vague when I write about them. :P

And we're back at the dance again, which will stretch into the next chapter as well. Lots of stuff going on at this school dance. Hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading. :)

* * *

James didn't even try to fight the smirk that greeted Kendall. "Really?"

"Oh, like you have room to talk? What are you two, night and day?"

"What?" James asked in confusion.

"He's the dark and you're the light. Which is so opposite of real life, so...good job on becoming something you're not."

"I'm not going to stand here and listen to you insult me."

"Who said it was an insult?"

"Boys!" Lucy yelled. "You're acting like the kids who sit in my office and argue over who started the fight. I'll tell you what I tell them—I don't care who started it, but one of you has to end it or we all sit here until the bell rings."

James rolled his eyes. "There's not even a bell at this time of night."

"My point exactly. You want to stay here until Monday morning, that's on you. Oh shit, that pumpkin just fell off the wall."

Lucy scurried away from the table, leaving James and Kendall to avoid looking at each other.

"Where's Logan?"

"Bathroom. He's nervous about his costume."

"Of course he is. I'm sure he looks hot as fuck, but he won't believe that no matter how many times I tell him."

"He does," Kendall agreed. At James' raised brow, Kendall shrugged one shoulder. "It's no secret I find him attractive. I did date him."

"Don't remind me."

Kendall almost choked on the punch, which was mostly just flavored water. "This is disgusting. And shouldn't your sweater have an R on it?"

"What?"

"For Rydell High. Isn't that where Danny and Sandy went?"

"The thrift shop only had this. So it's a T. It works."

"I guess."

"Oh, like any self-respecting knight would go into battle without his helmet?"

"Logan says my hair makes me look noble."

James snorted. "Logan doesn't know you very well, does he?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We both know you take what you want, even if it doesn't belong to you. I think a pirate would've been a more accurate costume for you."

A hand fell on James' shoulder from behind, the grip firm. Tight. _Possessive._ Kendall's voice was way too close, as usual. "You didn't belong to him then."

"I did," James argued weakly. Even with all that armor covering his body, Kendall's heat radiated to James. "We just hadn't said the words."

"You were mine until the day you did."

Nostrils flaring, James spun around with fire in his eyes. "I was never yours."

"You wanted to be."

"You're so full of shit that I think you actually believe that. It was always Logan for me, Kendall."

Kendall nodded slowly, his own fire dying. "You're right. I was only exciting because you couldn't have him. But then you did and..."

"And what?"

"And it was like I didn't exist. I think I liked it better when you hated me than the way it is now, where you won't even look at me."

James chewed on that. "Is that what you meant yesterday when you said you miss me?"

The answer was a long time in coming. "Yeah."

"Well, I'm sorry. That part of our...I don't even think you can call it a friendship. But that's over. It's better when we don't exist to each other."

"Why is that?"

James didn't know how to reply to that question. Luckily he didn't have to, because Kendall's focus shifted from his face to something over his shoulder. "Logan's coming."

It was only when Kendall's hand dropped away that he realized it had been there the whole time. His skin burned where it had been touched. He slowly spun back around to see his boyfriend approaching, looking deliciously dangerous in black leather. "Holy shit, he looks good."

"Told you. Who's that guy he's talking to?"

"That's Carlos. Your date for the evening."

"Oh."

"Gee, don't sound so thrilled," James commented with sarcasm. "He might think you just want him for his body."

"I'm sure he's nice. I mean, Logan's already laughed three times since they walked in the door."

"The dude's definitely not boring. Don't let the costume fool you." Directing his next words to the other two as they neared, James offered, "Carlos, this is Kendall. He coaches our outstanding hockey team. And I see you've already met Logan."

"We did meet," Carlos grinned. "Hi. Kendall, was it?"

"Yes. Welcome to our school."

"Thanks! Everyone's been really nice so far. Especially Lucy; I wasn't even gonna come tonight but she talked me into it."

"She's good like that," Kendall agreed. "Punch?"

"Sure. Thanks. Logan, can I get you some?"

"Oh, why thank you. That would be...nice."

James stepped aside so that Carlos could reach the bowl, amused at the way the new guy was trying so hard to make friends. The move brought him closer to Logan. "Hey, gorgeous," he purred into Logan's ear. "I like you in leather."

"Not here!" Logan hissed, smacking James lightly and putting distance between them. "I already warned you. Oh, thanks!" He reached for the full cup with a smile for Carlos.

"You're quite welcome."

He tipped Logan a wink, causing Logan to blush and James to hold in amusement. Carlos obviously didn't know Logan at all if he thought any kind of affection in public would be welcome—even as friends.

"James! I need you!"

All four spun around at the sound of Lucy's yell, which was frantic enough to be heard even over the music.

"That poster by the door is falling down! Did you use enough tape?"

"Of course I used enough tape. It's probably because of the cold air coming in. Why not just forget about it? The dance is already on anyway."

"I am not going to stand here and wait for it to happen. The ladder's in that closet in the corner, let's go."

James dug in his heels; Logan was finally here and looking _that good_ and no way was he going to spend his entire evening running around fixing things. "No."

"No? Did you just say no to me?"

"Yes. I'm here for the dance."

"Oh. I see." She stepped closer to say, "If you don't help me with this, I'll tell all of Kendall's secrets."

Her words confused James and Logan. Kendall, on the other hand, was outraged. "Lucy, what the hell?"

"Kendall has secrets?" James asked. "Wait, I don't care. How is that supposed to get me to help you?"

"Because it's your choice. You help me, everything's fine. You don't, this guy gets in your face. Probably repeatedly and often."

Well. That was a proper threat. The last thing James needed was Kendall in his face. Still, Logan looked _so_ good. "Why can't he do it?"

"He can't climb a ladder. Are we doing this or is Kendall up your ass for the rest of your life?"

And damn if her choice of words didn't bring up visions he didn't need. "Fine." He turned to point a finger at Kendall. "But you owe me."

"I don't owe you shit!"

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Just come on."

There wasn't even time to say anything to Logan before she dragged James away. Attempting to shake off the momentary panic that her threat had induced (she wouldn't _really_ do that, would she?), Kendall addressed Carlos. "So, Carlos. Are you from around here?"

"Edina, actually. I moved here about a year ago. Worked as a mechanic while getting my teaching credentials, and...here I am."

Though he knew already that it wasn't going to work between them, Kendall offered a smile. "Welcome to Lincoln High."

"Thanks. I heard the hockey team's going to state. That's awesome!"

"It is! I still can't believe it, they were so unmotivated when I started here and then—"

"Kendall!"

Principal Kalvert in their midst was always a nerve-wracking experience. It could go either way. "Hello, sir."

"Oh please, this is a fun thing. Call me Bruce. Listen, the superintendent is here and wanted to congratulate you on today's victory."

Just like that Kendall was gone, leaving Carlos to grin at Logan before offering more punch. His stomach full of butterflies, Logan accepted.

* * *

The next twenty minutes consisted of James and Lucy flitting around the room putting out fires while Kendall was waylaid by person after person wishing to congratulate him on the team's fine work. Logan and Carlos made small talk for most of that, and Carlos shared that he hadn't really explored the campus yet. "I think I'm too afraid I'll get lost if I stray anywhere but the shop and the bathroom," he joked.

"It's not a huge school," Logan chuckled. "We could probably cover it in ten minutes."

Carlos waited a beat before asking, "Is that an invitation?"

Logan's breath caught. "Now?"

"Well, what better time? I have a capable guide with me and won't have to deal with a ton of students mowing me down."

"It's...dark."

"I do better in the dark."

Oh shit. Was he...? Was Carlos really...? "Um, Carlos, I think you should know that—"

"I'm sorry."

That derailed Logan's train of thought. "For what?"

"I never know when to keep my mouth shut and now I'm making you uncomfortable and—"

"Carlos, no, it's..." It was what? It wasn't exactly fine. Carlos obviously had no idea Logan was taken.

"The truth is I was hoping to swing you around to the auto shop and show you what we're working on. I'm super proud of it, my dad jumped through a million hoops to buy it for my birthday and I thought it would be a fun car to restore in class. I just wanted someone who would appreciate it to see it, but I know I came on too strong."

Damn. How was Logan supposed to fight those sad eyes? "What is it?"

"'57 Ford Fairlane 500 Skyliner."

Again, Logan's breath caught. His father had dreamed of owning that exact model. He remembered seeing pictures of it as a kid but never one in person. "You have a Skyliner sitting in that room right now?"

"It's not as far along as I want it to be, there's still a lot to do, but—"

"Show me."

Carlos' excited face matched Logan's. He whipped out his phone, at least cognizant enough to remember to text James a quick "Be right back," and then practically ran with Carlos out of the gym.

* * *

When James was finally free to return to their rendezvous point, he found Kendall chatting with Susan. A quick glance around showed him no sign of his boyfriend. "Where's Logan?" he interrupted, not caring if it was rude. He'd barely had any time at all with his man tonight.

Susan replied with, "Hello to you, too, James. Having fun?"

"I would be if I could find my...friend."

Kendall jumped in to cover what he knew James had almost let slip. "Last time I saw him he was here talking to Carlos. I don't see _him_ either." After nodding at Susan as she moved to greet someone else, Kendall suggested, "Check your phone. He's good about that sort of thing."

It was a smart idea. James frowned at the message he saw from Logan, his gaze then drifting down to another one from the chat program. He felt Kendall's eyes on him and turned away, not wanting his frenemy to see that he was breathless at the simple message from Rush that said, _"Thinking about you a lot tonight. I miss you."_ James cleared his throat and managed out loud, "Be right back."

"Fine."

"No, I mean, that's what Logan's text says. 'Be right back.' Where the hell would he go?"

"Knowing him, Carlos probably had some sort of emergency and Logan's helping with it. You know how he is with new guys, always making sure we feel welcome."

James' stomach turned slightly at the words, which were innocent enough but brought to mind a realization he'd never grasped before. Kendall was absolutely right. When he'd been the new guy, Logan looked after him. When Kendall showed up, it was the same thing except that since Kendall was gay, there'd been more than an attempt at friendship.

Carlos was also gay. And so far had shown no signs of wanting to keep that a secret.

James felt the beginnings of a panic attack fluttering in his chest. Kendall noticed it immediately. "Hey. You okay?"

"Um. I need to find Logan."

"Why not start with texting him?"

"Boys!"

Both James and Kendall groaned, knowing that the urgency in Lucy's tone couldn't be a good thing. She rushed up to them and asked, "Where's Logan?"

"That's what we were about to figure out," James replied.

"Okay, I need you all to count the ballots for king and queen."

"Count the...?" James had had enough. "Lucy, there are students who can do this! That's what the committee's for!"

"The committee can't be trusted. Three of the members are up for the crown, so it has to be impartial people who do the actual counting. And since you three are my best friends who would do anything to help me, it's up to you."

James thought calling Logan a "best friend" was stretching it a bit. Though he tolerated her now, James suspected there was still a resentment in place that made no sense. "I spent last night and today helping you get this ready. Can't I just enjoy it now?"

"No, because we're short on time and you both owe me."

"Here we go again," Kendall droned with a roll of his eyes. "What exactly do we owe you for?"

"Numerous hours of free counseling."

James snorted. "Like you charge everyone else?"

"Look, I'm trying to do this the nice way. But if you'd rather, we can go back to threats and—"

"Fine!" Kendall yelled. "James, just give in. I learned this with Katie years ago, sometimes it's easier to just give in."

Lucy's sweet smile matched the sugary tone of her next words. "Katie is so smart. Come on guys, it'll be fun! There's a box for each of you near the stage. Find someplace quiet to separate and count it all, and get Logan in there to help you so it goes faster! We have less than an hour!"

Like a tornado, she was off and running to who knew where. Kendall shook his head. "Good thing she's such a great listener."

"You're telling me. Where are we supposed to find a quiet place to sit and do this?"

"I know exactly where to go. Come on, let's get this over with."

Not feeling that he had a choice, James followed as Kendall set off. He used the trek to type out a quick reply to Rush.

" _We're not speaking, remember?"_

He sent that, wishing he could still be angry with his friend. In truth, the thought of never speaking to him again left James feeling empty.

Finally caving to the ache in his chest, he added one more message.

" _But if we were, I'd say the same thing."_

As Kendall had said, sometimes it was easier to just give in.

* * *

They did actually do a quick tour of the campus on the way to the shop. Carlos had been shown the teachers' lounge on his first day but after that never set foot in it. "You're welcome to join us for lunch."

Carlos smiled at the invitation, his eyes dancing. "Maybe I will."

Logan forced himself to turn away fast before he got sucked into that gaze again. When they eventually ended up in the shop area, he was in awe of the beauty before him. The car was boosted up on jack stands, but at their lowest setting to make it easy to peer inside.

"Obviously she's missing some pieces right now," Carlos explained in a rush. "And the paint's faded and one of the lights is broken but—"

"Carlos," Logan whispered, silencing him with a hand to the shoulder. "She's beautiful."

Carlos relaxed, seeing that Logan was just as taken by the car as he was. "You ever worked on one before? Any car, I mean."

"No. Dad did, and I helped, if that counts." Logan moved closer to run a hand over the front fender.

"It counts," Carlos grinned. "I mean, you at least know your way around a lug wrench, right?"

"Definitely," Logan laughed. "May I?"

"Oh, sure!"

Together they lifted the hood so that Logan could study the engine. "You'd think it wouldn't be so different from the current ones. An engine's an engine, right?"

"No. Not at all. I love that you appreciate that. You should see it from underneath!"

"What? Oh no, that's okay."

"Come on, you know you want to."

"But you're all dressed up, you shouldn't get all covered in grease and—" And why did just the idea of that send Logan's heart racing? What was wrong with him?

"It's just a costume, not like a tux or anything. Come over here." Carlos used his foot to roll over a creeper and gently pushed it toward Logan. "Go for it."

"I...can't."

Carlos' gaze narrowed. "You know it's safe, right?"

"Actually, I know it isn't. I um..." There were no more words, just Logan shaking his head.

Carlos closed the distance between them and rested a soothing hand on Logan's arm. "Something happened."

"I don't talk about it."

"Okay. I'll back off." He stood there awkwardly, waiting for a cue from Logan as to how to proceed. Both of Logan's arms were crossed over his chest, not in annoyance but as if to ward off cold. He looked lost. The protector in Carlos came out and he pulled Logan into his embrace. Though Logan remained stiff, he allowed it. "Your dad?"

The lingering scent of motor oil in the room took him right back to his childhood. "We went away for Labor Day weekend. Me and Mom."

Logan's voice was barely audible, but it was quiet enough in this wing of the school that Carlos had no trouble hearing.

"We went to visit my aunt. Dad stayed home. He didn't answer the phone Sunday morning. Or Sunday afternoon. We went home early because of it and..."

Carlos could piece together the rest. "Did you find him?"

"No. Mom kept me out of the garage. I never saw anything. But she told me..."

"Shh." Now the arms slid around Carlos' back and squeezed tight as if somehow that would contain the emotions trying to break free inside Logan. "Don't talk about it."

"I don't. I never do. I don't even think about it."

"I'm sorry I brought it back."

Without warning, the flood of memories and grief overwhelmed Logan. He hadn't allowed himself to think about it in years. He tried to swallow down tears but they came anyway, his body quaking in Carlos' embrace.

"It's okay. Let it out. It's just you and me in here."

Five minutes later Logan was wiping his eyes with a clean rag Carlos had dug out of a drawer. "I'm so sorry. I don't know where that came from. I'm around cars all the time, this is so stupid."

"I'm guessing the fact that you block it out has something to do with it."

"I didn't block it out, I just don't..." The ringing of his phone jolted him before he sighed. That would be James wondering where he was. He cleared his throat and got control over himself before answering. "Hey."

"Where are you?"

"Auto shop. Carlos wanted to show me the car they're working on. It's beautiful."

A short pause was followed by, "Since when are you into cars?"

"I was as a kid. A lot of good memories back in my garage." Also some bad ones, but Logan refused to think about that anymore tonight.

"Oh. Okay. Lucy has us counting ballots in the gym. We need your help."

"Be right there. Uh, where exactly?"

"There's a little corner you've probably never noticed before. I know I didn't. Equipment room."

"A little corner in the..." Logan managed a smirk. "Must be the place Kendall always wanted to take me and make out when we were dating."

In the tiny room, James shot an accusatory glare at Kendall, who lifted an eyebrow in question. "Is that so?"

Logan replied, "Stop, you know it never went anywhere. We'll be right over."

"Hurry. We only have like forty-five minutes."

"Okay okay." Logan hung up the phone and pocketed it before turning to Carlos. "Feel like helping Lucy out?"

"Sure, I figure I owe her one."

"For what?"

Rather than answer that question, Carlos asked, "Did I hear you say you were dating Kendall?"

"No! I mean I was, but...that's long over. It was a brief thing."

"Good."

"Good?"

"Yeah."

"Why is that good?"

"Because I won't feel guilty doing this."

Carlos' lips were on his before he even had a chance to deflect it. Logan gasped, a surge of something powerful shooting through him and into Carlo's mouth because his own was open wide to accept the eager tongue that asked his for a dance. His fingers clawed at Carlos' sweater as if grabbing for purchase, and Carlos took that as an invitation to probe deeper. A whine like Logan had never uttered came out when Carlos rubbed against him just right, and the deep shudder that resulted from that was enough to wake Logan up. He shoved Carlos away so hard that Carlos stumbled but still he couldn't catch his breath.

"What...why...Carlos?"

"Fuck. Fuck, I'm sorry, I convinced myself it wasn't just me, and it obviously was, you're just so fucking hot and I've never wanted someone like this, I mean yeah I've been attracted to guys but there's something about you and I don't know what it is and now you'll probably never speak to me again and—"

"I have a boyfriend!"

"Oh god. Oh god, of course you do, a guy like you wouldn't be single, Logan please, I'm so sorry."

Logan could still barely think straight enough to converse. "Shit. I just cheated on James."

"No, that was my fault, I—" A look of confusion took over Carlos' face. "James?"

"Yes. He's my boyfriend."

"James from the _gym?"_

"Yes, Carlos, why is that so hard to believe?!" Logan's tone was approaching hysteria.

"I just assumed he was with Kendall."

The hysteria gave way to his own confusion. "Kendall? Why would you think that?"

"I don't know, the way they were standing? I saw them talking when we went into the gym and I felt this...forget it."

"No, wait. You felt this what?"

"I don't know! I'm sorry, I made a mistake, obviously my judgment can't be trusted. I mean I convinced myself you were into me!"

Logan couldn't think about that right now. He focused on the other point instead. "Kendall and James can't stand each other. They only put up with each other for my sake."

"Okay. I was wrong."

"I'm sure that's what you felt. There's always tension because they're like...sworn enemies or something."

"Right, that's all it was. Can we just...forget tonight ever happened?"

Logan nodded slowly, still trying to get a handle on his feelings. "I think that's best."

"I'll keep my distance from now on."

"No, Carlos..." Now Logan felt guilty for making him feel unwelcome and embarrassed. "Look, it wasn't your imagination, okay? I was definitely...feeling some things. And it's hard enough for me to admit that to myself, so I can't talk about it or even think about it. Do you understand?"

"Yeah. You love him."

"I love him a lot. I can't lose him."

"I get it. This never happened."

"Temporary insanity."

"Sure."

"But if you can forgive me for leading you on, I'd love it if you joined us at lunch Monday. Kendall's single and looking, just so you know."

Carlos managed a slight chuckle. "I didn't feel any kind of connection with him, but...you never know."

"He's a great guy." When Carlos didn't seem convinced, Logan added, "I'm really sorry. If it wasn't for James..."

Carlos nodded again. "Yeah. I'll just try to forget that that kiss was the best thing that ever happened to me."

Logan's eyes fell closed as Carlos turned toward the exit. Easier said than done, because his body was _still_ tingling from it.


	32. Chapter 32

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

First things first! Happy #9YearsOfBigTimeRush to all of you! I admit that I didn't actually discover them until March of 2010, so I'm a few months behind, but it's still crazy to think I've been writing about these characters for almost nine years. What's crazier is that I never get tired of them. I just finished this story today and am already planning out the next. There's just something about this combination of personalities that keeps me coming back. I'm glad it's the same for you guys still reading and writing fic about them!

It's because I did finish the story today that you're getting a chapter tonight (well, that and the fact that I probably won't have time to post again until the weekend). I wanted to celebrate that I finally gave this story a proper ending. There's still over a hundred pages to post, so it won't be done for you anytime soon. They all have a long way to go before they figure out where they need to be. I'm so grateful to all of you for sticking around to see them on the journey. Hope you're all doing well and that you enjoy this chapter! :D Feedback is always welcome.

* * *

Seated across from his nemesis on the floor as he ended the call with Logan, James noted a smile on Kendall's face; it annoyed him. Wanting Kendall to be just as annoyed, he asked, "Did you bring me in here to seduce me?"

Kendall looked up from the display on his own phone. The warm smile was still there. "What?"

"Is that why you chose this room? You're hoping to get lucky with me?"

Now Kendall rolled his eyes; it had worked. He pocketed his phone. "Where do you get these ideas?"

"Wouldn't be the first time you trapped me in a room to have your way with me."

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I supposed to act like you didn't want it? Like you weren't just as desperate?"

"You ambushed me."

"I did what I had to do. There was a question that needed answering and you answered it loud and clear."

"Well, if the question was 'Is James in love with me' then the answer was a definite no."

"So you keep reminding me. I get it, you're in love with Logan and nobody compares to him."

James shoved one of the boxes toward Kendall. "Don't flatter yourself. Even if it wasn't for Logan, you still wouldn't be my first choice for a boyfriend."

Kendall stopped moving with the box's top halfway off. "Who would be?"

"Not your business."

Suddenly the answer to that question was vital for Kendall's survival. "James."

James pretended he wasn't being addressed firmly.

" _James._ Who would be?"

"Who says there's somebody in particular? Maybe I just meant in general."

He hadn't, though. Somehow Kendall sensed that. "If you did fall in love with someone else, you wouldn't leave Logan, would you?"

"Not a valid question because that would never happen."

Kendall knew that to be a lie. Their conversations via chat were proof of that, and James was in denial if he didn't think he'd fallen at least a tiny bit in love with Rush. "But you wouldn't, though, would you?"

"I'd never leave Logan."

Still James wouldn't look at him. And that was fine, really. These words were true; looking into James' eyes wouldn't change that fact. "I'm glad you're happy," was what Kendall finally said.

"I am."

Two minutes of silence passed while they sorted votes, then James spoke again. "Logan said you tried to get him in here for makeout sessions when you were dating."

"I did," Kendall smirked. "Never worked."

James seemed to struggle to find his next words. "Why do you think that was?"

Kendall's hands stopped moving again. "That it never worked?"

"Yeah."

"I guess he likes to play it safe. Take no risks."

"You have no idea," James muttered under his breath.

Though Kendall wanted James to open up about that, he let it go because they all knew that if you pushed James too far, he'd shut down fast.

"I'm um...I'm glad it's not just me he's like that with," James admitted.

Kendall looked up again. James still had his eyes nowhere near Kendall, as if he was barely aware he had company, but Kendall knew his mind was spinning on a course. "It's not. It's just how Logan is. Don't take it personally."

James nodded. "Do you think people can change?"

"Of course. We're constantly changing and growing. Experiences affect every decision we make in life."

"What if we don't experience new things? What if we just...keep doing the same thing over and over and never allow someone else to show us something new? Then we never change, right?"

"I guess," Kendall conceded. "But that doesn't mean it can't happen at some point in the future."

"And if it just...never does?"

"Then you have to accept that and be willing to live with it. Decide if it's worth it for everything else you get from the relationship."

"It is," James stated. "Definitely worth it for the rest."

"That's your answer then. You take joy in the good things and try not to think about what's missing."

" _You_ didn't."

"What?"

"That's why you dumped Logan, right? Because that something was...missing?"

"With _him_ it was. I probably would've stuck with him and at least tried if you didn't show me that what I was looking for does exist. And that's what I won't be happy without."

"Sex isn't everything."

"No, but it's important to me. If you're cool to live without it, that's fine, too."

James didn't reply to that for awhile. He continued to methodically sort votes until blurting, "Do you think it's possible to have it all? The sex _and_ the cuddling? The fun _and_ the security? Nights where you fuck each others' brains out and practically trash the place doing it but then just...lay together and hold each other and...?"

"And whisper how much you love each other and want to be together forever? Maybe even get married one day?" Now he had James' undivided attention; hazel eyes burned into his with longing. "It's definitely possible. And I won't rest until I find it."

James was about to cream himself from words alone; it was written all over his face. Kendall's restraint started to crack. How had he thought being alone in a room with James for more than five seconds was a good idea? _Don't. He'll hate you even more for it once it's over. Of course, before that he'll moan and writhe against you, maybe_ under _you dear God help me I'm only human!_

God answered his prayer. The music got louder as the door swung open, Logan peeking in. "Hey guys, sorry. Still need help?"

Kendall almost laughed hysterically. He'd never needed more help in his life.

* * *

As it was already a tight squeeze for the four men, Lucy didn't even try to enter the equipment room. Once Logan informed her of the final counts, she pulled the boys out one at a time to plant a kiss on each of their cheeks. "You guys are the best. I'm taking you out for drinks next week."

"We're not even—" Logan began, but Kendall cut him off.

"Just go with it."

Lucy rushed toward the stage, and the others started to make their way toward the refreshments. Logan reached out a hand to grab James by the back of his sweater and stop him.

"Let's go home."

James turned back in surprise. "Now? They're about to crown the winners."

"We already know who won. I'd rather just go."

"I promised Lucy I'd stay and help her clean up."

"Kendall's already staying, and I'm sure Carlos will help. It's fine. You promised me sex tonight."

James' jaw dropped for a moment. He studied Logan more carefully, seeing a flush he'd missed before. "What's the rush? Are you okay?"

Logan used action to answer the question, pushing James back inside the room before pressing him against the wall for a deep kiss. James' breath hitched when Logan took hold of his hand and used it to cup a very obvious erection. "That's the rush."

A whine from James was followed by, "Oh god. Go. Now. Meet you there."

Once in his car, James sent Lucy an apologetic message explaining that he and Logan had needed to leave. After that he drove home fast, afraid Logan might change his mind.

The way Logan literally dragged him into the front door assuaged that fear, James shivering when Logan kissed him with desperation. "What's gotten into you?"

"Does it matter?"

It probably should, but because James needed this so badly, he chalked it up to the costumes and let go of the questions tumbling through his brain. Logan wanted him.

Nothing else mattered.

* * *

The chime of his phone went ignored for the time being. James was boneless. After fucking him in a way James had been craving for months, Logan rolled over and went to sleep. No cuddling, which was odd for him. Usually Logan was a fan of cuddling and not so much the wild sex. Tonight it had been the opposite.

True, Logan hadn't been nearly as rough as James imagined in his fantasies, but for Logan even that level of desire was a welcome change. James had no complaints.

Now he laid in bed with a languid body and sated mind, satisfied for the first time in...well, had he ever been this satisfied?

 _That night I called Rush. That was the best sex I've ever had, no question._

And why was he even thinking about Rush right now? He'd just had sex (good sex, at that) with his boyfriend, the man he planned to be with forever. There was no reason for his mind to wander anywhere else.

And here Lucy had thought he and Logan should sit down for a long talk about this. They didn't need a talk; all they'd needed was a change of clothes. Maybe he'd suggest this in the future. Danny Zuko did wonders for Logan's sex drive. What else might have the same effect?

He reached for his phone, hoping there wouldn't be an angry text from Lucy waiting. If there was, too bad. He'd tell her exactly why they left in a hurry. And she'd be proud.

Right after she was done being angry that they'd ditched her.

There was no answer from Lucy; maybe she hadn't had a chance to look at her phone yet. There was, however, a message from Rush.

" _Are we still not speaking?"_

 _Damn him. He's as bad as Kendall, always in my face when I need to not think about him._

James felt guilty for their fight the night before, though. Yes, it had been Rush's fault, and yes, maybe Rush deserved to know what it felt like to be dropped without warning, but that wasn't James' way.

And the truth was, James really needed a friend to talk to right now.

" _Give me a minute."_

" _Not going anywhere."_

Peace filled James. Those were the magic words he longed to hear most in his life.

Even from a friend.

* * *

Kendall had been surprised when Lucy informed them Logan and James had taken off. It wasn't like them at all, especially since they knew Lucy was counting on them. Carlos instead offered to stay and help clean up, but Kendall couldn't stop thinking about James and was distracted. Lucy asked him twice if he was okay, and finally Kendall admitted the truth the third time she brought it up.

"No. I'll explain later, but...can I go?"

Lucy didn't argue for a change. She sent Kendall home in a hired car soon after the dance ended, and there he lasted all of twenty minutes before caving and messaging James. They'd talked more openly tonight than ever before, at least in person, and Kendall had done what he thought was impossible.

He'd fallen more in love.

 _You're such a fucking idiot. He flat-out told you he'll never leave Logan. It doesn't matter if he's in love with Rush. He loves Logan more and that's not going to change. You have to let him go._

Kendall didn't know how to do that. He'd never been good at letting go.

He also hadn't expected an answer from James, but his heart leaped at the reply when it came in. If he could just keep this, the friendship that he shared with James via King, Kendall thought he could stand it.

Now to just work on getting that back.

* * *

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Hi.

 **Rusherone:** Hey you. Can I start by apologizing profusely and begging your forgiveness?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Perhaps. Are you prepared to bow before your king? :P

 **Rusherone:** You were right about the name feeding that massive ego, weren't you? :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I tried to warn you. You should've just gone with Diamond.

Kendall laughed now at the irony of it all. How _had_ he missed that this was James?

 **Rusherone:** Too late to change it now. But yes. Picture me bowing before you in abject apology because the last thing I'd ever want to do is say goodbye to you forever.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Even if that's probably the smartest thing we could do?

 **Rusherone:** Yes. I can't live without this.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I can't do the sex. I won't cheat on him.

 **Rusherone:** I know, and I respect that about you. I won't ask you to. Last night was a stupid way to make a point and I'm sorry I resorted to that. I won't pretend I'm not attracted to you still, but I can control myself if it means keeping you around as a friend.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Really? My friendship alone means that much to you?

 **Rusherone:** Why is that so hard to believe?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because you gave it up so easily before. Like I meant nothing to you.

 **Rusherone:** That was a mistake, and trust me when I say that nothing about that was easy. I was trying to do the right thing.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I think you had the right idea then. Us talking like this is just gonna lead to trouble.

 **Rusherone:** I promise I'll behave. I swear upon your golden crown.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You have to, because if you cross that line I'll be forced to banish you from my kingdom.

 **Rusherone:** And I'd rather die than forsake my king.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Dramatic much?

 **Rusherone:** I thought we were getting into the spirit of the moment with all the crown and kingdom talk. :P

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You always were good at making me laugh. Even from that first day.

 **Rusherone:** Mutual. So yes? We can be friends?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm allowed to have friends.

 **Rusherone:** Exactly. You can just get your sex elsewhere.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And I do. Speaking of which.

 **Rusherone:** Yes?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Remember how I said sex wasn't that important?

 **Rusherone:** Oh, you mean that big whopping lie you told me last night?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Shut up, I believed it when I said it.

 **Rusherone:** I think you were just trying to convince yourself. But yes, I remember it clearly.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I was wrong.

 **Rusherone:** I'm aware of that. What changed your mind?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** My boyfriend. He shocked me tonight. Brought me home and fucked me like he'd been thinking about it all day. The way I usually am.

 **Rusherone:** Wow. That's good, right?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's fantastic. We dressed up for a party tonight and I think that's what did it. The costumes. He was kind of a bad boy, which is totally not his usual scene.

 **Rusherone:** Maybe you two need to do that more often.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's what I was thinking. Is that all I had to do all this time?

 **Rusherone:** Maybe. That's really great for you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I was starting to think it would never change, that he'd just put up with sex for the rest of our lives instead of needing it the way I do.

 **Rusherone:** You're going to marry him, aren't you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Someday, I hope. Not anytime soon, because I still have a career to think about. But marriage is definitely what I want.

 **Rusherone:** Me too.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah? I can see that about you.

 **Rusherone:** Just gotta find the right guy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's the hard part.

 **Rusherone:** So why are you talking to me right now instead of cuddling with your boyfriend?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He went to sleep.

 **Rusherone:** Already?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I tired him out. :P

 **Rusherone:** Not a surprise.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It was pretty intense. For him, I mean.

 **Rusherone:** Why do I get the feeling you're still not satisfied?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Trust me, I was very satisfied.

 **Rusherone:** Even when it was done?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Duh. The end is the satisfying part.

 **Rusherone:** No, I mean after all of that. You finish, he finishes, and then?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And then what? It's night time, you sleep.

 **Rusherone:** Okay.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What?

 **Rusherone:** Nothing.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No you want to say something, I can tell. Say it.

 **Rusherone:** I was just thinking about how we cuddled after. How in our happy place, that was part of it. Not just the sex, but the cuddling and holding each other and all the rest.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh. I guess you can't have everything.

 **Rusherone:** I hope that's not true. I think you can.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You know, the hot guy at work said something like that tonight. I'm starting to realize he's a lot like you.

 **Rusherone:** Is he?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. Except I get along with you.

 **Rusherone:** Why don't you get along with him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You know why. I can't be around him for very long.

 **Rusherone:** Or you want him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. And it makes me feel like a shitty person who doesn't deserve my boyfriend.

 **Rusherone:** I really thought that would fade once you started dating him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So did I. What do I do?

 **Rusherone:** Maybe you can be his friend like you are mine. We want each other but we're not letting it get in the way of our friendship. We won't, because our friendship means too much to us.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** True but you and I aren't face to face, either.

 **Rusherone:** Would it matter if we were? It's not like you'd leave him for me, right?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. I'm sorry if that hurts, but I wouldn't leave him for anyone. He needs me.

 **Rusherone:** That's why? Because he needs you? Not because you need him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I couldn't hurt him like that. He's stood by me from the moment we met. He's been the best friend I could ask for, there's no way in hell I'd hurt him on purpose. You understand that, right?

 **Rusherone:** As long as you're happy and not just staying with him out of obligation.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm not. I love him. He's everything to me.

 **Rusherone:** I know. I'm glad you two finally reached that level you needed in the bedroom.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It wasn't just the bedroom. ;)

 **Rusherone:** I've had a long day and night. I'm exhausted. Can we continue this tomorrow?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't know. We'll see how tomorrow goes. But if not then, we'll meet up at some point.

 **Rusherone:** Okay. Don't forget, you can email me anytime.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Same. Night, Rush.

 **Rusherone:** Goodnight, my king. Would it be inappropriate to send you a heart?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes.

 **Rusherone:** Got it. Sleep well.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You too.

James was about to sign out when a heart appeared.

 _You fucker. I think you just like messing with me._

He couldn't fight a smile, though, and sent one in return.

He liked being messed with just as much.

* * *

Logan woke up in bed with Carlos. He didn't know how it happened, didn't remember ever inviting Carlos to his home, but this was definitely his bed and that was most definitely Carlos between his legs, giving him the most incredible blowjob he'd ever experienced.

"Oh god," he moaned, giving in to the urge to thrust up into the wet heat. Carlos hummed, driving Logan's lust higher, and he thrusted again. Harder this time. Carlos took it eagerly before pulling off to speak.

"You're so beautiful like this. I knew you had this in you."

Logan's breathing hitched. That wasn't Carlos. The luscious mouth returned to its task but it was all wrong, something was very wrong.

He woke up for real this time. The blowjob hadn't been a dream, it was currently happening. Instead of Carlos, though, it was...

"James."

He hummed again, the vibrations sending a shudder through Logan before guilt crashed down hard and heavy. "No."

"Mmm."

"No, James, stop, don't..." When James showed no signs of obeying the command, Logan sat up to forcibly push him off and away. The flash of hurt on James' face only made him feel worse.

"What the hell, Logan?"

"I'm sorry. I can't...I don't..."

"Oh. I get it. Last night was just a fluke. What the fuck was I thinking?" James shoved himself off the bed, walking naked to the dresser and reaching into the top drawer for a pair of boxers. "God forbid you should actually enjoy sex."

"James, please. That's not..."

James waited, and when nothing else came he quickly pulled up the shorts with angry movements. "So what the fuck was last night then? Were you drunk? Did someone slip you E or something?"

"Oh my god, no. Of course not. Where would I even...?" He was just making this worse but he didn't know how to explain it. He didn't understand it himself. "I wanted it."

"Yeah, you made that clear. Just like you're making it clear right now that I disgust you and you can't even stand for me to touch you."

By now he had jeans on as well and was reaching for a shirt. "James, that's not true! I love you, you know that!"

"Right, you just hate sex with me."

"I do not."

"I thought things would be different now." Fully clothed even though his hair was still a mess, James found a clean pair of socks. "I thought you actually wanted me." The anger gave way to despair, tears sprouting to magnify the gorgeous color of James' irises. "I guess it's never gonna change."

"Babe. I do want you."

All James was capable of was shaking his head before bending down for a pair of his many shoes.

"You're not listening to me, will you just sit down and—where are you going?"

"Out."

Logan untangled himself from a mass of sheets to chase James into the living room. "Will you just stop a second so we can talk?"

"I can't talk right now. I'll be back."

"James no, don't leave me."

James halted halfway out the door to look back. His tears had begun to spill over. "I'm not leaving you."

"Where are you going?" Terror and the lack of clothing had Logan shivering.

"I don't know. I just know I can't be here right now. I'm sorry."

When Logan replied, it was to a door that had been shut between them. "I'm sorry, too."


	33. Chapter 33

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

As always, I thank you for reading! Happy weekend, everyone. :)

* * *

"Thank god you're awake. Do you have time to talk?" Logan sounded frantic.

"I've got about ten minutes before Mom and Katie pick me up. Everything okay? You guys left in a hurry last night." Kendall put the call on speaker and sat down to put on his shoe.

"Yeah, that was...I'm sorry about that. Was Lucy mad?"

"She was concerned. I'm sure you'll be hearing from her today. Or at least James will."

"Kendall...I'm really confused at the moment. Something happened last night and I don't understand it and I don't know how I feel about it and...it scares the hell out of me."

"Can I assume that this has something to do with why you two left abruptly?"

"I...yeah, I guess. James just took off. We had a fight and he's really mad at me right now."

"Mad at you? For what? I thought things were good."

"I don't know where to start. Have you ever met someone and just..."

Logan didn't finish the question. "Are you...pacing? Dude, calm down. Just breathe."

"I really fucked up, Kendall. I can't even face James without...oh god, I'm such an asshole."

"Logan," Kendall said firmly. "Calm down and talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

"I'm attracted to someone else."

"Oh. Okay, well...that happens. It's not a crime, Logan. You can be attracted to someone without it going anywhere."

"Okay but I can't stop thinking about him, something happened when I met him. I can't explain it. I've never felt this before. And then...I kissed him."

Kendall was glad he was sitting down. "Who?"

"The guy. Um. He actually kissed _me,_ but I liked it and didn't want to stop and I can't stop thinking about him and I've never felt like this about anyone and I don't know what to do. What does this mean?"

Utter silence stretched over the line.

"Kendall, please! Talk to me, I'm losing my mind! I'm terrified James is gonna find out and leave me and...what if I see the guy again and I still feel it? What's happening to me?"

Carlos. It had to be Carlos. Kendall licked his lips, barely trusting himself to speak. "I can't help you," he said softly.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, Logan. I can't help you with this."

"Why the hell not?"

"I'm sorry. I can't talk to you about this."

"You're my best friend! I have no one else to talk to! Please, Kendall, I don't know what to do!"

A text came through from Katie. "Look, my family's here, I have to go anyway, but...just don't do anything stupid. James is devoted to you in every possible way and I think you'd be crazy to give that up."

"I know. How do I stop these feelings for the other guy?"

 _That's a damn good question._ "Just talk to James."

"I can't. I'm scared he won't come back."

"Logan, if there's one thing I've learned about James, it's that he always comes back. When he does, make sure he knows that you love him."

"He said he knows that. It's...I don't think it's enough."

Kendall sighed. He wasn't sure it would be, either.

* * *

Kendall looked up from his menu when a shadow fell over it.

"Room for one more?" James asked hesitantly.

"James!" Jennifer jumped up from the booth to hug him excitedly. "I thought you couldn't come!"

"You know I can't resist those waffles."

His dead eyes belied the joke, making Kendall's heart ache to soothe him. As usual, Katie said the worst possible thing.

"What's wrong with your hair? You look like you just rolled out of bed or something."

"Oh god, is it that bad?"

"It's fine," Kendall assured him with a glare aimed Katie's way. Then he reached out a hand to grab James' and tug him down while scooting further into the booth. "Sit."

James wrenched his hand out of the grip. "I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Order me whatever you're having."

Once he'd disappeared, Kendall stared at Katie. "Do you even know how to be polite? We'll be lucky if he doesn't leave now."

Katie stuck her tongue out at him. Jennifer tried a more rational approach. "Oh honey, go after him. Don't let him leave."

Kendall had no intention of allowing that to happen. "I'll be back. You guys know what we want."

"Just go on," Jennifer urged.

James tensed up when he caught sight of Kendall in the mirror. Kendall immediately lifted his palms out in a non-threatening gesture. "I'll behave. I promise."

"You'd better. I don't have the strength to fight you off right now."

Hoping it would relax James a little, Kendall opted for a joke while stepping close enough to rest his hands on James' shoulders. "Is that supposed to chase me away?" A quiet chuckle was his response before James leaned back slightly. Kendall provided the wall James needed. "Talk to me," he pressed gently.

"I don't know why I'm here."

"Logan called me. He said you guys had a fight."

James swallowed hard, meeting Kendall's gaze in the mirror. "Did he tell you what it was about?"

"Not really. He's scared, James. Terrified you won't come back."

"I fucking told him I'm not leaving him," James grated with a roll of his eyes. "I just needed time. I was stupid and got myself all hyped up for something that never happened."

When someone walked into the room, Kendall stepped away but only because he knew how desperate James was to keep his sexuality a secret. He gestured toward the door with his head, waiting for James to follow him out into the hallway so they could talk. Memories of their first electrifying kiss haunted him but he forced them away. "Why did you guys leave last night?"

James let out an unamused sound. "Would you believe Logan was horny and couldn't wait?"

So _that's_ why he'd been so turned on. Of course. It all fell into place now that he knew there had been another man to rile Logan up. No wonder James was so hurt. Unless... "Any idea why?"

"I thought it was the costumes. Maybe it was, I don't know. I just didn't expect that when we woke up this morning, we'd be right back to square one." James leaned closer to whisper, "I fucking blew him awake, Kendall, and it didn't even matter. He didn't want it."

Oh good lord if only Kendall had that to look forward to every morning, he'd never complain about waking up early again. Was Logan _dead?_ "Did you ask why?"

"No, I _know_ why. It doesn't matter what I do, it's not good enough. He just doesn't like sex. But I mean...I don't like astronomy and I watch those documentaries with him. Is it so wrong to ask him to give a little once in awhile?"

"No, I don't think it is. Sex is very personal, though. It's not like sitting through a television show, there's a lot more participation involved."

"Okay, but it's _sex._ Why is that a chore?"

"I think you need to ask him that. You've accepted that he's not a very sexual person but have you ever wondered why? Have you ever asked him to explain his feelings about it?"

"I don't want him to think all I care about is sex."

"I think he knows that by now, because if you did, you would've been gone a long time ago. You were friends with him for a year before sex even came into the picture. He knows, James." James sighed, not wanting to concede the point. "Look, I'm going to be honest with you. More honest than I've ever been face to face."

It was obvious that James didn't want to hear truths. "Don't tell me to leave him. I'm not going to do it."

"That's not what I'm gonna say." Wondering how to put it all into words, Kendall wrapped his hands around James' biceps and looked him in the eye. "I told Logan earlier that I can't help him with this. I can't give him advice. I'm telling you the same thing."

"Why?"

"Because I can't be unbiased. The outcome of this...well, I won't say I have a stake in it because you've already told me that even if you and Logan did end it, I wouldn't be next. But I'm too close to the problem, James. My feelings for you will cloud my judgment and my advice."

James' breathing had become shallow. "F-Feelings?"

"It's no secret that I'm attracted to you. I have been from the moment I laid eyes on you. I love and respect you and Logan too much to let that attraction affect my friendship with either of you. Talk to him. Be honest. Tell him what you need from him. Listen to what he needs from you. I know you guys can meet in the middle, you love each other so much. Just be honest for a change about what _you_ want."

"What if we don't want the same things?" James asked in a tiny voice.

"Then go from there. You have to tell him what you want, though, or you'll never know the answer to that."

"I can't lose him, Kendall." The fear was so intense that James trembled.

"You won't," Kendall promised, dragging James into his arms. "Because you both want it to work so badly. You're willing to put in whatever it takes to make it work, right?"

"I am. What if he's not? What if I'm not enough and he's just bored with me?"

"I promise that's not the case. He was almost in tears when he called me. He loves you so much." He waited until he felt James calm down enough to listen again. "Text him. Tell him you'll be home soon, just so he knows you're coming back."

"I'm not ready to face him yet."

"Then stay and eat breakfast with us. But don't make him wait too long. Think of how you felt when you thought you'd never see him again."

James finally stepped back and cleared his throat. "Okay."

"Go in there and clean up. I'll make sure my demon sister doesn't eat your waffles."

"Thanks." James stopped Kendall before he could disappear around the corner. "Hey. I mean it. Thanks."

Kendall offered up a half-smile. "That's what friends are for."

* * *

James followed Kendall's advice and texted Logan. When a phone call came in immediately after, James declined that. He still wasn't ready to talk. He needed to get his emotions under control first.

Breakfast with the Knight family did that for him. Nobody mentioned that James' eyes were red and puffy (not even Katie for once) and talk remained light, mostly focusing on what the Patriots' win meant for the team. James again promised to be present at the state championship no matter what, and he could see that it meant a lot to Kendall.

What he didn't understand was _why._

What the hell had Kendall been talking about when he mentioned "feelings"? They barely tolerated each other.

And yet here they were, side by side enjoying waffles and eggs while laughing like old friends. Today had to be the weirdest day James had ever lived, and it wasn't even noon.

It felt like only five minutes had passed before Jennifer mentioned that they needed to be going if they wanted to beat traffic. The dread returned along with the knowledge that he would have to face Logan soon and had no idea how to do that. What if he was honest with Logan and it backfired? What if Logan admitted that he wasn't sexually attracted to James and it was never going to change? Then what?

It suddenly felt like too much. The terror crescendoed until James thought he might scream right there in the middle of the restaurant, but then there was a warm hand squeezing his thigh and a soothing voice in his ear. "It's gonna be okay. I promise." James closed his eyes for a moment, letting the comforting gesture work its magic, and then he could breathe again.

"You know what, Mom? You guys go ahead, James will drop me off at home."

Both Jennifer and Katie turned to Kendall in surprise. "Honey, we still have to pay the bill."

"I got it," James piped up. "Let me cover this one."

"James, you don't have to—"

"Trust me, breakfast with you guys was exactly what I needed today. Let me handle it as a thank you."

Jennifer's smile was touched. "You don't have to pay just to sit with us, you know. You're welcome anytime."

James nodded slowly. "I do know. And it means a lot to me, so...thanks."

Kendall nudged James into moving. "Let me walk them out."

James didn't escape without a hug from Jennifer, and he was grateful for it. She allowed him to hold on longer than necessary and even whispered, "Are you okay?"

"I will be," he whispered back.

"You have my number. I'm here."

It was almost enough to set him off again. "Thank you. See you at state."

Perhaps sensing that he wasn't at his best, Katie shocked James with a hug; it was brief, but coming from her it was a show of acceptance. "Go brush your hair."

"I fixed it in the bathroom, demon."

"Still sticking up funny on the side."

James gasped, a hand going to his hair while Kendall rolled his eyes. "She's kidding. I'll be right back. Just...don't go anywhere."

For some reason the words threw him back to Rush's promise not to just the night before. At least if he lost Logan he'd still have Rush to talk to, right? Maybe? "I won't."

Only when Kendall was satisfied that was the case did he follow his family out. James sank back down into the booth and pulled out a credit card to cover the meal. The panic was starting to return but it was at a lower level this time, like a hum running through his body instead of a screech.

Once the server had picked up their bill, James braced himself and put a call through.

"Where are you?!"

The concerned exclamation should've been reassuring, but it only ratcheted up his anxiety. "Almost home. I'm sorry I ignored your call, I just needed time."

"Just talk to me, James. I'm sorry about this morning. I don't know what to say."

Neither did James. This was going to be a fun conversation. "We'll figure it out. I should be home in about a half hour at the most."

"I thought you said you were almost here."

"I have to make a stop first." Letting Logan puzzle that out, he added a tentative but heartfelt, "I love you." He could hear what the words did to Logan; his self-contained, rational boyfriend was about to lose it. At least James wasn't alone in that, and maybe Kendall was right. Maybe because they both wanted it to work so badly, it would.

"I love you, too. Please come home."

The quiet but desperate plea had James wanting to run all the way there. "I'll be there soon."

* * *

"You called him."

James looked away, unable to meet the green eyes that seemed to see everything he was usually so good at hiding from the world. What was it about this family that they could do that to him? "I felt bad for ignoring his calls."

"I'm sure he's made himself sick by now wondering where you are, so let's go."

Kendall hadn't bothered to sit. James made sure he had his card before standing, and together they walked out into the bleak sunshine that was bleeding through the morning.

"Did you tell him you were with me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. Just...didn't."

"Okay," Kendall nodded. He waited for James to pop the locks on his car, then spoke no more until they were settled in and seatbelts were fastened. "I think this is the first time I've ever been in your car."

"Definitely."

Though he noted that James was making no move to put the car in gear, he didn't push; he knew James was going through emotional hell at the moment. "I have to admit, I had alterior motives for getting you to drive me home."

A dark brow lifted as James looked over with a smirk. "Don't you mean ulterior?"

"Got a smile out of you, didn't it?"

Damn if it hadn't. He didn't know how it was possible when his life felt like it was about to shatter into a million pieces, but he was grinning so wide his cheeks hurt. "I really hate you, you know that?"

"Every day of my life." Kendall's smile matched his. "Drive."

"Whatever." James reached in for the shades he probably wouldn't need for the sunlight; they would provide a perfect mask anyway. "You're not having your way with me in this car, so don't even try to be all flirty and...hot."

"Normally I'd jump on that and run with it, but our time is short and there is something important I need to say, so..."

James braced himself as he got the car moving. "Kendall, I'm already a wreck. Please don't come at me with your asshole ways when I can barely even function."

"I'm not," Kendall promised. He and Logan had picked Kendall up enough over the past three months that James didn't need to be directed to his building, leaving Kendall time to figure out how to proceed with what he wanted to say. "Um. So I wanted to thank you."

" _Thank_ me? What the hell did I do?"

"Fuck, I didn't expect this to be so hard. Who knew thanking someone could be awkward?"

After a quick glance over in confusion, James urged, "Will you just spit it out?"

"Okay." It took another deep breath before Kendall could say it. "I know you paid for half the skate."

The car jerked for a second as James' foot came down on the brake and then released it. Panic had returned to his face.

"Don't freak out."

"I...what? You don't really think I'd—"

"James, I know. I confronted Mom after I heard and she admitted it."

"Wait, so she wasn't the one who told you?"

"No."

"Oh my god, Katie. I didn't even think she—"

"It wasn't Katie. And that doesn't matter. What does is that...I'm sure you know how much hockey means to me."

James wanted to continue to deny the whole thing, his face red. He refused to look over. "I know."

"And even though coaching the team would've been enough, being out there with them on the ice...it not only makes me a better coach, but it gives me back some of what I've lost. A lot of it, actually."

James swallowed against the traitorous tears that seemed too close to the surface today. "Your mom would've done it anyway. It's no big deal."

"It is, though. You're right, Mom would've done it. But you did, and considering how much you hated me back then, it just...adds that much more to the gesture. Because you didn't do it for any personal gain. You did it for me."

He wanted to deny it. He wanted to yell that Kendall was wrong. "I believed in you," was what he said instead. "From the first game with Iowa, I knew you were something. You lived and breathed hockey like no other player I had ever seen before. It was part of your soul. And I just...I know what that's like. I know how I would feel if I couldn't sing again."

By the time James finished speaking, Kendall couldn't look away. He was in that trance that came over him sometimes around James, the one that made him feel like if he couldn't touch, he'd die. He'd never wanted to kiss James as badly as he did in this moment. Instead he exercised all of the self-restraint he possessed and said, "Thank you."

James kept his eyes straight ahead. He felt Kendall's gaze burning into him, knew that meeting it would be the worst idea he'd ever had. "You're welcome." Five minutes. They were five minutes away from Kendall's apartment and it felt like an eternity. Grasping for anything else to talk about, he asked, "What did you mean earlier?"

It was a relief when Kendall finally looked away. "When?"

"At the restaurant. You said something about...feelings."

"Oh." Good, now it was Kendall's turn to squirm. "Um. Just that I care about you, you know?"

"Because I'm Logan's friend."

Kendall gnawed at his lip. "No. Because I _care_ about _you."_

"See, that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. You hardly know me."

"I know you better than you think."

"Oh, you wish."

The snotty tone didn't fool Kendall; James didn't like that he was right. "It really bothers you that I can read you so easily, doesn't it?"

"If you could, you'd know that I want you to shut up right now."

"I'm highly aware of that."

"Yet you still keep talking."

"You know I never back down. I don't roll over and just take it."

" _So when you argue, will he be one to fight back or just roll over?"_ Was it his mother who had said that? And then she'd added more. _"If he can't fight back, you won't respect him."_

"Why is that?" James asked curiously. "If you know it's just going to piss me off, why not back down?"

"Because that's not fair to you or me. If I don't tell you how I really feel, neither of us will be happy."

"It's not like we're happy when we tell the truth, either."

"Are you sure about that?" Kendall smirked. "You had a huge smile on your face when you told me how much you hate me a few minutes ago."

And there went Kendall deflecting the point again. James pulled up in front of the apartment building and turned to him, determined to get a real answer this time. "What are these feelings you talked about? You just said nobody's happy if you don't tell the truth, so tell me right now. What the fuck did you mean by that? No no no, stop looking everywhere but at me. I'm right here. Talk to me."

The fire that normally spurred Kendall's words to James was gone; in its place was a shade of fear James had never seen before.

"I don't think this is the right time."

"Why not?"

"Because you're in a weird place with Logan and I'm not going to complicate that. It's the same reason I won't get involved with your argument. I need to just...back away and let you two work this out."

For the first time, James heard everything Kendall wasn't saying. It left him numb inside, because he had no idea how to feel about it or how it was even possible. Surely Kendall knew he could do so much better? After licking his lips and trying to get his racing heart under control, James said, "You know I love Logan."

Kendall nodded, not trusting himself to say anything.

"I can't...he's everything to me."

Again, Kendall merely nodded.

"I'm sorry."

"Me, too." Fuck James and his ability to make Kendall _feel._ Tears were approaching fast. He needed to get out of the car. "Thanks for the ride."

"Kendall..."

"Go home and fix this."

"Okay."

The prosthetic was on the ground, all he had to do was turn and make the other foot join it. Freedom was literally a step away. Something came over Kendall, though, perhaps the knowledge that this would be his last chance to ask the question. He twisted to pin James with his gaze. "Just tell me this. Take Logan out of the picture, take...whoever that person is that's second in line." James' eyes widened, his brows appearing over the shades; he'd forgotten mentioning Rush, hadn't he? "Take that all out of the picture and tell me this. Is there something there? If it was just you and me, no one else between us...would I have even the slightest chance?"

James was struggling to breathe. "That's not a question I need to be answering right now."

"I don't care. It's my only chance to ask it."

"The answer won't change anything."

"It will change me. Or at least shut up that damn part of my brain that can't stop wondering."

James closed his eyes. "I really fucking hate you for making me do this."

"I swear, I won't tell anyone or do anything with the knowledge. I just...I need to know."

Still unable to look at Kendall, James was glad the shades provided him cover because Kendall was right in his assertion that he could read James too easily. "Everything you need to know was in that kiss."

"Which one?"

"Both of them. Now please get out of my car before I kick you out on your ass."

And just like that, Kendall knew they were back to James ignoring him and keeping his distance as much as possible at work. He had his answer, but he'd pushed too far. James couldn't face his own feelings because as Kendall had said earlier, they complicated everything. In James' mind, happiness equaled him and Logan together forever and nothing was going to change that.

Not even the possibility of what could be the most intense love they'd ever known.

He escaped the car. "Have Logan call me later. Just so I know you guys are okay."

"We're gonna be fine."

Kendall nodded, then leaned back in. "I'm sure you will. Just...please, James. Remember what I said. Be honest with him about what you need. If you keep quiet just because you're afraid of losing him, you'll always have that empty hole in your heart."

"Goodbye, Kendall." James was done with him.

"Goodbye." Kendall closed the door, feeling that empty hole in his own heart expand. Yes, James wanted him. Yes, James might even grow to love him one day; Kendall knew this because he'd fallen in love with Rush.

None of it mattered, though, because James refused to take a chance. He would forever let Logan be his safety net.

And Kendall would just have to stand by and watch. Probably for the rest of his life.

 _Fuck this. He's not the only beautiful asshole in the world._

With renewed determination, Kendall headed upstairs to continue the search for someone who could make him feel like James did.


	34. Chapter 34

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I know two of you are really going to enjoy this chapter. And that's all I'll say about that. Happy Monday, all!

* * *

James entered the apartment to the sound of scrubbing from somewhere in the vicinity of the kitchen. Logan was cleaning, and probably to the degree he only resorted to when he was nervous or uptight about something.

James knew what he was worried about this time, and it made him feel like an asshole for taking off and leaving Logan to wonder if they were going to be okay.

He hung his keys on the rack he'd bought Logan as a one-month anniversary gift. Most would've thought it was lame or not special enough, but he knew Logan well and the happiness his boyfriend reacted with had been genuine. Only Logan would get that excited over a key rack made from a ruler, where each hook marked a two-inch gap.

There had of course been other gifts to go with that one. James now remembered he'd also treated Logan to dinner at the cheesecake place and even bought him a gift card for the brainy store at the mall. Logan had been so grateful there hadn't been a need to coax him into sex that night; it was one of those rare occasions when Logan seemed happy to do it.

Why were those occasions so rare, though? Why did it always feel like Logan was doing him a favor to make love to him? Shouldn't Logan do it because he _wanted_ to? Because he needed it, too?

Kendall's advice came to mind. He hated it when Kendall was right, especially since Kendall usually was. He and Logan shared that annoying quality. But yes, Kendall had made a good point; he was never going to be satisfied until he admitted his needs to Logan.

One look at Logan as he turned into the kitchen killed all of James' determination. Logan was on his hands and knees scrubbing the grout between the tiles, for God's sake. He was wearing rubber gloves and...what the hell? Why were goggles necessary when cleaning?

 _Probably in case some of the soap flies up into his eyes. Jesus Christ, I could not love this man more._

It undid him. James knew he couldn't live without Logan in his life. He approached and laid a hand on Logan's shoulder, ready for the startled reaction when it came because Logan had been so into his work that he hadn't heard James come in. Or perhaps he'd been too lost in his thoughts.

"Hey."

Logan sat back on his heels and lifted the goggles to the top of his head. "Hey," he replied softly.

Neither knew what to say. What slipped out of James' mouth was, "Do you have any idea how adorable you are?"

"Oh, right now? Sure, I bet the goggles really sell it."

"You have no idea," James smiled. He got to his knees next to Logan, avoiding a nearby bucket of dirty water. Logan's eyes begged for it, so James leaned in to kiss his forehead.

"I'm sorry," Logan whispered.

"It was my fault. I'm sorry I took off like that. I shouldn't have gotten mad."

"No, it was me. You didn't do anything wrong."

Now it was James sitting back on his heels to look into Logan's eyes for the truth. "Are you sure?"

"Positive. I just...I don't know how to explain it."

"I don't know why, but last night felt different and I thought things had changed. I should've respected you and not gotten angry at you for being...you."

"James..." The goggles were removed, then the gloves, as Logan sighed and searched for the right words. "I know sometimes I'm not enough."

"No, you are, it's me who's not enough."

"No, babe, you're incredible. So much that the thought of losing you...of losing this...it incapacitates me."

James chuckled softly before sliding his fingertips through Logan's hair just above his ear. It was a gesture that he knew soothed his boyfriend. "No fair using big words in a fight."

"We're not fighting," Logan laughed, moving toward the arms he knew would embrace him. He stopped halfway, though, unsure. "Are we?"

"No." The shake of James' head was adamant about that. He dragged Logan in and held him tight, relief flooding him when Logan grabbed on eagerly. "None of that matters."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. This right here, this is all that matters. Just you and me. Nobody else."

Logan's eyes squeezed shut as if to keep in thoughts that wanted to escape through his mouth. Eventually he relaxed his hug enough to say, "I don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to. I'm right here."

Logan's mouth found James' neck, then his jaw, and finally his lips. The kiss was gentle yet fierce, a search for reassurance. "I don't know what I'd do without you, James. I really don't."

James pressed one more lingering peck to Logan's lips. "Not worth thinking about. We love each other and that's enough."

Logan nodded. "I think there's another showing of that movie, if you still wanted to go."

"Can we just stay home today? Watch one of your shows? Make dinner together?"

With a smile, Logan replied, "There's nothing else I'd rather do."

James could have wept with relief. Nothing could compare to this feeling of being loved and accepted. Not even sex.

He had everything he needed.

* * *

Kendall was almost dressed when his phone rang later that evening. He glanced at the display and considered ignoring it; now was not the time to listen to Logan gush about how much he loved James and they were okay and he'd been stupid to let himself get caught up in someone else, even for a night. He and James were meant to be together and...

Right, right, right, hearts and butterflies and all those things Kendall so desperately wanted but still hadn't found. Maybe tonight would be different. Maybe Cody would be the one.

Then again, hearing Logan talk about how devoted James was to him was exactly the boost Kendall needed. He answered the call just in time. "Hey."

"Hey, you got a few minutes?"

"Just that. I'm getting ready for a date, so you can talk to me while I do that."

"Oh! Anyone I know?"

"Nope, just someone I met online."

"I didn't know you did the online dating thing."

 _Oh, the things I could tell you about that._ "Like I have the guts to pick up guys at a bar? Please. Are you guys okay?"

"Yeah. We talked things out and...we agreed that nothing matters except each other."

Kendall smirked as he finished tying his shoe. "So you told him about the other guy?"

"Well...no, I mean...there was no reason to bring that up. It was just temporary insanity."

"Was it? That stuff has to come from somewhere."

"No, James is perfect. He thinks it was the dressing up that got me in the mood, and I've decided he's right."

"Have you." Kendall rolled his eyes as he picked up the phone and carried it with him into the bathroom, leaving it on speaker to look into a mirror. "Well, whatever works for you two. If denial is it, you're set."

"Kendall." Now Logan sounded annoyed. Good, let him get angry. Because suddenly Kendall was ready to punch a wall. "There's no denial here. I'm sure that when I see Carlos tomorrow it'll be fine. I'm already over whatever that was last night."

"Good. Then there's nothing to worry about."

"Exactly."

"Except of course the fact that a complete stranger got you hotter than your own boyfriend ever has."

"That's not fair."

"Is it the truth?"

"It doesn't matter. I wasn't thinking clearly."

"Tell me one thing, Logan. How was the sex last night?"

"Excuse me?"

"James told me you were an animal once you got home. That you were aggressive for once. So was it as satisfying as you'd imagined it in your many fantasies of James?" Silence was his answer. "Surely you've had fantasies of him? I mean, what else would prompt you to act so unlike yourself?"

It was another beat before Logan spoke. "Why are you being like this? I called you to thank you for your advice this morning, and you're talking to me like you're...angry or something?"

Kendall sighed. Logan was right, he was being a dick, and it was because he was doing what he'd been trying to avoid—letting his feelings for James color his words. "I'm not angry, I just don't think it's healthy for the two of you to hide things from each other."

"He doesn't need to know about Carlos. It was nothing. And...wait, what is he hiding from me?"

 _More than you ever wanted to know._ "The fact that he needs sex. He denies himself because he's terrified to push you away. He'd rather pretend it doesn't bother him than be honest and tell you the truth, that he goes crazy without it."

"He told _you_ all this? Since when do you guys talk?"

"We talked a little at the dance last night." It wasn't a lie. "Look, I already told you that I don't want to get involved in your love life. That's between you and James. But if you two keep going on like this, like everything's fine when it's not, it's just gonna blow up again like it did this morning."

"That won't happen again. Everything _is_ fine."

"Then there's nothing more to say. I'll see you guys at work."

"Kendall...are _we_ okay?"

"Of course we are. I swear, Logan. Now no offense, but Cody will be here in about ten minutes and I'm still getting ready, so..."

"Right. Sorry. I'll let you go."

Hearing that Logan was still unsure of their footing, Kendall added, "We're doing Chinese. Maybe I'll bring _you_ leftovers for a change."

The smile in that voice was unmistakable. "I won't say no to broccoli beef. What's even better is that James isn't a fan of that, so...more for us."

"It's a plan," Kendall laughed. "See you tomorrow."

"Bye. Have fun with Cody!"

"I'm hoping. Bye."

The scent of James reached Logan as he was ending the call. James always smelled so good after a shower.

"Who's Cody?"

Logan smiled as he stirred the sauce gently bubbling on the stove. "Kendall's date."

"Oh." There was a long pause before, "Some new guy?"

"Yeah. It makes me sad that he never gets a second date with any of them."

"Is that his choice or theirs?"

"His. He told me he's looking for something specific."

"Ah." James cleared his throat. "Alfredo tonight?"

"It sounded good." Logan spun around, James close enough to touch. "Unless you want something different?"

"Nope, it's perfect. Are you making that cheesy garlic bread, too?"

"I was thinking about it. Care to convince me?"

With a smirk, James answered, "While you're cooking? I thought that was against the rules."

"Maybe the rules are a little outdated."

Knowing better than to put any stock in that, because every time he started to believe things were changing he ended up devastated, James shrugged. "Rules are important. You always tell me that."

"They are," Logan agreed. He set down the wooden spoon he'd been using, then turned back to drag James closer by twisting a hand into his tank. James' breath caught. "But they can always be changed."

What James wanted to do was let go, to let his passion break free and consume Logan. His fear of pushing Logan too far again had him holding back, though, so that when Logan kissed him he kept it P.G. Logan seemed happy enough with that, and James was glad he'd restrained himself.

He would just have to be careful not to lose control again in the future, and everything would be fine.

* * *

Kendall didn't have to set an alarm this time. He probably wouldn't have anyway in his current frame of mind.

Talking to James right now was only going to make his depression worse.

Still, when the alert came through Kendall rolled over in bed and stared at his phone with longing. Like a magnet drawn to a steel pole, he was powerless to resist.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Are you awake?

Was he ever awake. He'd been lying in the dark for an hour attempting sleep and wishing for things he knew he would never have. Wishing even more that he could stop wanting them. And now here temptation was, in the form of a glowing display in his bedroom.

 **Rusherone:** Yeah.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Is this a bad time?

 **Rusherone:** Well, considering it's 3 A.M. and neither of us is sleeping, I would say so.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Would you rather I let you sleep? I understand if that's the case, I'm sure you have to work tomorrow or something.

He could just picture those sad, hesitant hazel eyes, so afraid to do anything to push people he cared about away. Strangers? No concern of James', he couldn't care less about them. But the few friends and loved ones he did have? His worst nightmare was upsetting them so much that they left and didn't come back.

Logan was right. James _was_ so much more sensitive than he pretended to be.

With a groan of frustration, Kendall gave in.

 **Rusherone:** I do, but I can't sleep anyway. Shall we meet up in our place?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Not a good idea tonight. Let's just stay where we are. Me in my living room, where I can pretend I was playing a game if I get caught out of bed. And you?

 **Rusherone:** In my bed. Why is our happy place a bad idea? I thought it brought you peace.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It also brings me feelings I'm not allowed to have, and tonight I don't know if I can fight them.

 **Rusherone:** That makes two of us. Did your boyfriend freeze you out again?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. He actually initiated sex tonight. That's twice in a row.

 **Rusherone:** That's great. Again I ask why you're here and not with him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because I'm annoyed as fuck and it's keeping me awake.

 **Rusherone:** You're annoyed because he wanted sex? I thought that was the goal.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No, I'm annoyed because I got what I wanted and instead of being satisfied, I laid in bed after thinking about someone else. Getting jealous, actually. And what the fuck is wrong with me that I have the most amazing guy on the planet for a boyfriend but I'm still jealous that some asshole I can't stand went on a date tonight?

Kendall's heart raced fast enough that he sat up. His thoughts tumbled all over the place.

 **Rusherone:** Who?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Who do you think? Stupid beautiful hot guy. Oh my god, I didn't tell you what happened today.

Kendall swallowed hard. James was jealous of his date with Cody? A smile briefly flitted across his face before he remembered that James' jealousy did him no good. It was never going to change.

 **Rusherone:** With him? Did something happen with him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sort of. I had a huge fight with my boyfriend and I took off and ended up having breakfast with the hot guy's family. Long story, don't ask. But afterward I dropped him off and we talked and he forced me to admit that I have feelings for him. Which makes no sense AT ALL. How can I have feelings for this guy? We hardly talk, I make sure of that.

 **Rusherone:** I guess sometimes you just know. Feelings don't have to make sense. I think they rarely do. So you and your boyfriend fought about what?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It was dumb. Remember how he was all hot for me last night?

 **Rusherone:** Yeah. The party or something, right?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Right. I thought it would last. It didn't. Today he literally pushed me away in the middle of a blowjob.

 **Rusherone:** He's fucking nuts. No sane person would do that.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Well, he did, and it hurt. It made me realize he's not going to change, and I got all stupid and sad because he doesn't want me.

 **Rusherone:** Does he, though?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** He says he does. And tonight he proved it.

 **Rusherone:** So why the sudden change? Did he say?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** No. We didn't really talk about it. Honestly I don't want to make waves. I just want things to stay the way they are.

 **Rusherone:** If that was true, you wouldn't be talking to me right now.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Excuse me?

 **Rusherone:** Come on, you admitted that even after sex with him you're still thinking of someone else. When are you going to face that he isn't enough for you?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes, he is.

 **Rusherone:** No, he's not. I'm sorry, but you've told me what you want in a man. Not just the sex, not just the romance. You want it all. You're not getting it from him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So what, I should just leave him? You sound like my fucking mother.

 **Rusherone:** Your mother? She thinks you should leave him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** She thinks I'd be happier with someone else.

 **Rusherone:** Why?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Because she's crazy. She's spent a total of three evenings with us since we started dating and apparently that makes her an expert on our relationship.

 **Rusherone:** Does she like him?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yeah. She likes him a lot. She just says he's not right for me. And that pisses me off.

 **Rusherone:** Are you staying with him just to spite your mother?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** NO! What part of I love him and he's my everything do you not understand?

 **Rusherone:** Okay fine. I'm done. You're just going to keep ignoring what's right in front of your face until the day you die.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you were my friend.

 **Rusherone:** You want the truth? I'm jealous.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Of what?

 **Rusherone:** Of him. I fell in love with you. I sit here listening to you talk about how unsatisfied you are, knowing that I can give you everything you need. But you're so scared to look at anyone else even though YOU GET JEALOUS OVER ANOTHER GUY DATING SOMEONE WHO ISN'T YOU. Doesn't that tell you something?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're in love with me?

 **Rusherone:** How many times have I said it? How many hearts do I have to send before you believe me? I tried to stay away, I lasted three months and dated other guys and prayed one of them would be what I need. I went out tonight with a new one, hoping this one might make me light up the way you do.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Did he?

 **Rusherone:** No. It wasn't horrible, we had a nice time and I was so angry at myself for still wanting you that I fucked him. Even that wasn't bad. But I kept seeing your face and hearing your screams and instead of being satisfied when it was over, I just wanted to run home and talk to you. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend I was holding you. I just fucking want to be happy.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.

 **Rusherone:** I know. It's not your fault. I just wish you'd take a chance and look at what else is out there instead of staying in your safety zone with him. I think you use him like a security blanket and are terrified that no one else will love you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I do love him.

 **Rusherone:** And I'm sure he loves you. But there are different kinds of love.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I almost lost him once. Today, I came close again. I'm not going to take that chance.

 **Rusherone:** Okay. Then you need to forget about the hot guy and forget about me, and just be with him.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Why can't we just be friends? Please don't leave me, I feel like that's what you're going to say and I can't lose you.

 **Rusherone:** I don't think we know how to just be friends.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Of course we do. Our friendship was what we started with.

 **Rusherone:** Fine. Then I'm the one who doesn't know how to just be friends.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You said last night you wanted this. That our friendship alone was that important to you. What changed?

 **Rusherone:** You know, I think if you were happy with him, I could let it go and just be your friend.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I am! Why do you keep acting like he's not enough for me? He gives me everything I need!

 **Rusherone:** You're on your hands and knees on the bed. My fingers are slick as I prepare you, and you want it so bad you're begging. I rub that spot that drives you wild and your head falls back. With my other hand I grab hold of your hair and tug, and you scream even louder because you're already about to come.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

 **Rusherone:** My fingers are gone but only long enough to get my dick into place. Now you're making these whining sounds, the same ones you made over the phone that had me on fire. I moan as I slide into home slowly, so slowly, and you shudder because if you don't get what you need soon you're going to die.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You swore you wouldn't do this. I'm deleting this app now. Nice knowing you.

 **Rusherone:** You look back over your shoulder and give me the signal that you're ready. I make sure, and then it's on. No hesitation, no worry that I might hurt you because I know what you like and I know what you need. I'm pounding into you with abandon, so hard and fast that you can barely stay up on the mattress.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm going to shut down my phone now.

 **Rusherone:** You hear me panting behind you, hear the sounds we make as our bodies slam together, and as your desire intensifies you have a harder time holding on. I fuck you so hard you fall forward onto the floor but I go with you and we don't stop. Once we land, I fuck you into the floor instead.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'm never speaking to you again.

 **Rusherone:** Your cock rubs just right over the carpet so that each thrust from me is like a stroke and you're so insane with lust you can't even think straight. All you know is you never want it to end.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Harder.

 **Rusherone:** I fuck you harder and you're clawing at the carpet and screaming for me to never stop.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Faster. Fuck me so hard I pass out.

 **Rusherone:** You don't pass out. You're awake through all of it, when I come you feel me explode inside of you and then you do the same. We don't care about the mess on the carpet. We don't care about what the neighbors might think. We don't care about anything. All that matters is that we're one and we're joined and I'm never leaving you.

There was a very long pause before the next reply.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Goodbye.

 **Rusherone:** I'm not done yet. I'm still on top of you, pinning you to the floor while our hearts try to slow down. One hand reaches up for yours and our fingers intertwine. My other hand reaches under the mattress, where I stashed something earlier. I take it and reach for your hand, slipping the ring onto your finger while I whisper that it's a symbol of my love for you, which has no end. I tell you that nothing will ever feel like this and no one could ever compare to you, that we're meant to be together forever. I ask you to marry me. And you say...

"James?"

Lying on his stomach on the sofa, James started so violently that the phone slipped from his grip and tumbled to the carpet; he reached down immediately to pick it up and slip it under a pillow cushion. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, I just woke up alone and was concerned. Are you okay? You're flushed."

"I...got hot. Came out here."

Logan came close enough to lay a hand against James' forehead. "You're feverish. Go back to bed and I'll bring you some Tylenol."

"I'm okay."

"Don't argue with me. Go."

The problem was that James didn't think he could stand up without Logan seeing the large wet spot that was surely spread across the crotch of his boxer briefs. Oh god, what if it had seeped into the cushion? "Okay. Can you bring me some milk, too?"

"I'm not sure chocolate is what you should be drinking right now."

But it would keep Logan in the kitchen long enough to make a run for it. "Please? It always settles my stomach."

"Okay." Logan leaned down to kiss James' forehead. "I hope you aren't coming down with something."

"I'll be fine. Thanks, babe."

"Go on."

"Okay."

James slid off the couch the moment Logan was gone, relieved to see the couch was still pristine. He ran for the bathroom with his phone, stopping along the way for fresh boxers. Logan would no doubt see the stained ones when he did laundry, but that was easy to explain; Logan knew he sometimes got in the mood and took care of himself.

Once closed away in the tiny room, James dared to look at his phone. There was nothing more from Rush. He couldn't think about it right now, couldn't think about any of it. His feelings made no sense and he didn't want to explore them. It was best to just forget all of this had ever happened.

Thirty minutes later he was snuggled up in bed with Logan's even breathing against his chest. His mind was elsewhere, though, as he surrendered to the vision Rush had brought to mind. Rush's hand was holding his, a thumb caressing the ring while they kissed in a way James had only experienced once before in his life.

And fuck Kendall for once again being the perfect stand-in for this beautiful, if immoral, moment.


	35. Chapter 35

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Warning you guys up front, there is a lack of Kendall in this chapter. But don't worry, he'll be back for the next one! As always, it means so much to me that you're reading this, so thank you. :)

* * *

"Babe?"

James didn't respond, his gaze on the plate in front of him yet he made no move to pick up the bacon or scoop up his scrambled eggs.

"James." The firmer tone got James' attention, his face lifting from the plate as if startled. Logan tried again in a softer voice. "We need to leave in a few minutes, so..."

"Yeah. Sorry."

He began to pick at his food, methodically lifting each bite to his mouth. Logan stepped closer to press a hand to his forehead. "Well, your fever seems to be down but you're still not quite...are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," James snapped. "You wanted me to eat, I'm eating."

Mood swings, preoccupation, slower to get into gear than usual...something was definitely off. "I think you should stay home today."

"No! I have to be at school today." Now he was speaking through a mouthful of food, his eagerness to finish the meal apparent by the way he shoveled it in.

"Is something important happening with the choir?"

"No, I just...I have to be there."

"Okay." Logan sat down long enough to touch James' arm. "But if you start to feel sick, I want you to promise me you'll come home. Or call me. Or even Kendall, because no matter how much you two bicker I know he'd take care of you."

There went that glassy-eyed look again.

"James...just stay home. Please."

"No! I'm not a child, quit treating me like one." The tone brought a flash of hurt to Logan's face and James immediately corrected himself. "I'm sorry. I just...I have a lot on my mind. I didn't mean to lash out."

Logan's hand slid across the table to squeeze his boyfriend's. "I'm here. Talk to me. Is it the winter concert?"

James shook his head. "It's nothing."

Logan wasn't so sure about that. "I love you, you know."

A wan smile was James' response, along with, "I love you, too. I'm fine."

True to James' word, whatever had been bothering him seemed to lift by the time they arrived at their coffee shop. He was his usual snarky and sarcastic self, and Logan started to feel better about everything.

Things were just weird right now because of Carlos. That would all change today when Logan saw him again and confirmed what he already knew to be the case—whatever it was between them Saturday night was a fluke because it was James he loved and James he belonged with.

Nothing could change that.

* * *

It wasn't until Lucy had closed her office door and turned to hang up her jacket that she realized she wasn't alone. After letting out a little "Oh!" of surprise, she relaxed. "Carlos!"

"Hi." Carlos was seated in the chair facing her desk, clad in an old pair of jeans and the classic blue mechanic's shirt open over a white tee. "Are you meeting with anyone right now? I can come back."

"No, first period's free today, at least as far as I know. Sorry I'm late, I didn't have anything scheduled so I didn't bother rushing." She rolled her chair out from under the desk and sank into it with a smile. "Thanks again for helping clean up the gym Saturday. I swear that's not why I wanted you to come."

"Nah, I know," Carlos grinned. "You're just trying to help me meet people and settle in here."

"That's exactly what I'm doing. Give me a minute to go through my email and make sure I don't have any surprise guests coming in this period, and then I'm yours."

"Sure, take your time. I don't have to be back to the shop area until next period."

Other than the clicks from a mouse and the clack of keys as Lucy typed, the office was silent. Carlos used the time to look around. He'd been here a few times, but never really noticed his surroundings. "What is that mess over there?"

"Hey, I take offense to that. It's Hogwarts."

"What's Hogwarts?"

Her fingers froze over the keyboard. "You don't know what Hogwarts is?"

"No. Sorry?"

"You should be. We have to educate you on the finer things in life. It's the school from the Harry Potter books."

"Ohhhhh. Yeah, I saw one of the movies when I was younger. My sister's really into that stuff. But...I don't remember it looking like that."

"Well, it's a work in progress."

"What's it supposed to look like?"

She pointed one hand toward the box, which rested under the small table the structure was sitting on. Carlos moved from his chair and studied it, then shook his head. "You're using the wrong pieces for the column thingies."

"The turrets?"

"Uh...maybe? These corner tower things."

"No, those have to be it because they're the only gray ones that have a curve to them."

"Right, but those go here, see? There should be two types of curved gray ones."

Lucy frowned. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. No wonder this is all...weird."

"Well, if you're done insulting my skills as an architect, we can get down to business. I'm free for the period."

"Cool!" Carlos smiled as he took the chair again. "And I'm sorry if I was insulting you. I was just trying to help."

"I know. So what brings you here? Did you have fun at the dance?" When Carlos bit his lip and looked down shyly, she was intrigued. Her gaze narrowed. "Did you get a chance to talk to Kendall?"

"Kendall? Yeah, we both helped you, remember?"

"Right, I mean before that. I was out of town with Jo all day yesterday so I wasn't on my phone much, but I did notice that Kendall was extremely quiet. Which is rare for him. I was hoping that meant you two were...getting acquainted."

"Lucy..." Carlos let out a sigh, partly amused. "I should've known you were trying to set me up with someone."

"Well, is that so bad? He's lonely, you're lonely...you're both handsome and fun. Why not give it a chance?"

"You know what's funny?" he asked after a moment. "When I first met him, I assumed he was with James."

Lucy's mouth moved but no words came out right away. "James?"

"Yeah. I walked in and they were standing together and talking and...I knew James was gay. Is he out?"

"No," Lucy replied immediately. "And Kendall isn't exactly either, so I need you to keep that between the...five of us?" She did a mental count. "Yeah. Five. They're not ashamed so much as trying to keep it under wraps for professional reasons or some nonsense. I don't agree with it, but I respect it, so...please."

"Sure, of course. I get that. You think it's easy being gay in a field like mine? I've heard all the jokes and how it's wrong to be with another guy and...well. You know."

"I know," she nodded.

"What about Logan?"

"He's out. I mean, he doesn't go around advertising it, and I'm not sure how many of the students are aware of it, but the staff knows for sure."

"And he's with...James?"

Lucy didn't miss the slight hint of incredulity behind the question. "Why is that so hard to believe?"

"I don't know, I guess I just...I mean, I was so sure James was with Kendall."

"What exactly did you see?"

"Nothing crazy, just...I don't know how to explain it. Kendall had his hand on James' shoulder and was like...talking to him but like...it's weird. And then I made a complete idiot of myself by trying to pick up on Logan, and...I just feel really dumb. Embarrassed. Like I don't know how to face him."

It took awhile for Lucy to absorb the words. "What the hell did I miss?"

"It doesn't matter. The point is that I came here to tell you that even though I really appreciate you trying to be nice and everything, I'm gonna stick to the shop for lunch. I think that's best."

"Carlos, wait, no. I don't want you to sit in there and eat by yourself with some...car."

"You told me you used to sit in your car alone and eat, how is that different?"

"Because I didn't know what I was missing! I have friends now, actual _friends,_ and they're ridiculous sometimes but...come on, don't sit alone. I want you to stay here!"

Carlos shook his head. "I think I should go when Ingram's better. This is a fun job and all, and I really dig working with the kids and encouraging their love of cars, but I can't..."

"Can't what? Look, if you're just embarrassed about trying to pick up on Logan, it's an honest mistake. You didn't know he was taken."

"It's more than that."

"Well, what more is there? You saw someone you found attractive, you went for it, so what? There's nothing to be ashamed of in that. And trust me when I say that he wasn't himself that night. It was a costume. Normally he's much less...hot."

"It's not about his looks, Lucy. I mean, yeah, he really did look hot, but it's...the problem here is that I don't think I can be around him and not...you know."

"What?"

"Drool."

Lucy snorted laughter, the concept foreign to her. "I'm sorry, it's just that the idea of someone actually drooling over Logan...I mean, besides James I guess...though now that I think about it, I've never heard him actually talk about Logan being hot in that sense. Which...well, that's a story for another day. The point is that Logan doesn't look like that on a daily basis. He's like...boring."

"Not to me. Boring guys don't kiss like that."

Lucy's stunned expression said it all.

"He didn't tell you?"

"Oh," she said softly, trying to comprehend as her mind made leaps and bounds. "Oh my god. He kissed you?"

"I kissed him. He totally wasn't expecting it and I shocked him, and he pushed me away."

"Right. He would, because he doesn't...and then there's James...and—"

"Exactly! He was nice about it and explained that he's got a boyfriend, and I apologized, but before all that..." Dark eyes shone with misery. "Lucy, it was the most amazing kiss I've ever had. And now every time I see him I'm gonna remember it...that's why I can't be around him. I'll just end up sad. And embarrassed."

"And he rushed out of there the second he could get away."

"Yes! See, so he's feeling what I'm feeling, like he doesn't know how to face me and it's just so awkward. I'm gonna eat by myself."

"Okay," Lucy nodded. "I understand. I'm bummed, because I really think you two can get past this and be good friends, but...I get it. Wait, where did this kiss happen? He doesn't do public affection."

"Well, don't forget I kind of attacked him with it. But it was in the shop. I took him in there to see the car we're working on."

Lucy raised a brow. "Really? Logan has zero interest in cars."

"Actually, that's not true. We talked about some things. He knows a lot about cars."

" _Logan?_ No, you're messing with me."

"I'm serious! He just doesn't talk about it a lot. But I saw it in his face, he was excited. I kind of fell in love with that look in his eyes."

"Oh, Carlos." Lucy sighed. "I'm so sorry. You were supposed to fall for Kendall. I'm sure if you two just spent some time together and got to talking, you'd hit it off."

"Maybe. But he wouldn't make me feel the way Logan did when I saw him for the first time. It was like my whole world turned upside down." He shrugged. "But that's life, I guess. All the good ones are taken."

"Hey, Kendall's a definitely a good one. If you'd just—"

Carlos stood up and turned toward the door. "He's not what I'm looking for. I appreciate your trying, but the sooner I get away from this place and Logan, the better." He stopped halfway out the door to smile back at her. "Maybe we can get dinner sometime before Ingram comes back."

"Actually, I'm taking you all out for drinks as a thank you. And you can't say no because I want you to meet Jo."

"Lucy..."

"Nope. That's fine if you don't want to join us for lunch every day, but one night out won't kill you."

"If I have to sit there and watch Logan make out with James all night, it might."

"Ha. Trust me, that won't be an issue. I'll let you know what night we decide on."

"Whatever. You know where to find me."

Once the door was closed, Lucy sat back in her chair and blew out a breath. So many questions. Did James know about this kiss? Did Kendall? Lucy could see Logan running to him with a guilty conscience. Of course, Logan had stopped the kiss, so maybe there was no guilt to be had at all. And knowing him, the attraction was probably all one-sided.

" _Boring guys don't kiss like that."_

Quite a different description from what James had intimated about Logan's reaction to physical contact.

So many questions and not one she could ask due to confidentiality rules. Sometimes being trustworthy sucked.

* * *

A hesitant knock on her door an hour later had Lucy frowning. Usually the students just barged in or opened the door themselves to peek in before entering. Knocks were reserved for fellow staff members who knew how to be considerate.

 _God, it's probably Kalvert with another complaint about my hair._

"Come in!"

The knob turned and just like her more shy students, Logan poked his head around the door looking terrified. "Is this a bad time?"

Forcing her mouth to not drop, as Logan had never set foot in this office, Lucy sat back and blinked at him a few times before finding her voice. "No, of course not. Come on in. I do have a student coming in in about..." She checked the clock. "...fifteen minutes. But I'm free until then."

"Okay. Great."

Logan turned away to close the door and Lucy could feel it from her desk—he wanted to bolt instead. Whatever was on his mind (and Lucy thought she had an idea what that might be), it was causing him a hellish amount of agony. "Have a seat."

"Um. Thanks." Logan followed the suggestion, his knee immediately bouncing up and down at a frenetic pace.

"You okay?"

"Fine. So um...what we say in here...it's confidential, right? You're not allowed to talk about it?"

"The rules state that I can't," she concurred.

"Okay, but I know you well enough to know that you don't care about rules in most cases."

"I won't argue that," she shrugged. "But in this area I follow that rule."

"Even if it concerns friends of yours?"

"Are you planning to harm those friends in any way?"

"What? No, of course not. That's what I'm trying to avoid."

"Then you have nothing to worry about. What you say here stays between us."

Logan took a deep breath and then let it out in an effort to relax. The knee stopped its fidgeting. "I don't know where to start. I never thought I'd be talking to you about this."

"I'm a little surprised myself. James is the one you lean on for everything, unless it's a problem with him. And I assume in that situation you would go to Kendall."

"Both of your assumptions are correct," Logan nodded. "Except this time, for whatever reason, Kendall doesn't want to help me."

"That doesn't sound like Kendall," she frowned. "He lives to make sure everyone's okay."

"Right?" After a nervous laugh, Logan cleared his throat. "The whole thing is just...kind of a nightmare. I didn't know where else to turn. You've helped James and Kendall through a lot of stuff, and...I don't know. I guess I was hoping maybe you could help me too, even though we've never really been close."

"That's not my choice. You've never liked me."

"It's jealousy," Logan admitted. "Before James and I got together, I thought he was into you."

"Okay but then when you knew he wasn't?"

"He still confides in you and I feel like he should be able to talk to me when he's upset. Not someone else."

"How is that fair? You have Kendall to confide in. He needs someone, too." When Logan seemed to be fighting a retort, she smirked. "You hate that I'm making sense."

"Okay, fine, you're right. It's not fair of me to expect him to come to me for everything. It's just hard even now to share him."

"I'm sure he feels the same way."

"Has he ever told you that?"

"No, but even if he had I wouldn't be able to tell you. Confidentiality works both ways."

"Right." Logan looked around the room to give himself time to think. He was distracted by an eyesore sitting on a table in the corner. "Is that supposed to be Hogwarts?"

"I swear, if one more person takes a shot at my masterpiece today..."

"Sorry, it's just..." He slid out of the chair and walked on his knees toward the table, studying the box top before looking back at the castle. "You used the wrong pieces here."

"So I've been told."

"See, it should be these, but you used those for Hagrid's hut instead. Which is why it's a monstrosity."

"Need I remind you we're down to ten minutes? Quit stalling and tell me what's on your mind."

"Oh. Right. Sorry." Once seated again, Logan gathered his thoughts. "How did you know Jo was the one for you?"

That wasn't a question she'd been expecting. "It's not something I can put into words. It was more of a feeling."

"Like...your stomach kind of wants to revolt? But not like you want to throw up, more like it comes alive and there's this weird tingle in your chest and you can't stop looking at him or thinking about him?"

"Well...it's probably different for everyone. But that sounds about right. It could also describe infatuation or a crush, though. And most relationships start out that way, even the ones that don't last."

Logan nodded, taking that into consideration. "What if you um...never felt that?"

"At all?"

"Yeah." Lucy was quiet long enough that he added, "Quit trying to figure out where this is going and what it means in my life and just answer the question. If a random student was sitting in this chair asking that question, what would you say?"

"I'd say that not every relationship is the same. My parents, for example, probably never had that. And they've been married for over twenty-five years."

"Are they happy?"

"I guess. They're not unhappy. They know each other well and take care of each other, and they couldn't imagine being with anyone else. They bicker here and there, but it's obvious how much they love each other. I remember when I came out to my mom, I was explaining the things I was feeling for this girl at school. And it was hard for her to relate because she admitted she'd never felt that."

"Not for anyone?"

"Nope. It made me kind of sad for her, you know?"

Logan swallowed. "But because she's never experienced it, she doesn't know what she's missing and she's happy. Is that accurate?"

"Yeah, I'd say so."

"So...if she suddenly called you and said she met a guy who made her feel that way, even though she was perfectly happy being married to your dad, what would you say to her?"

"What would I say?"

"Like if she came to you for advice. Didn't know what it meant and was scared by it. Because I mean...following those feelings could disrupt her entire life. Change everything."

Seeing that only five minutes remained, Lucy cut through to the heart of the matter; Logan would never get there on his own. "Did this happen to you? Did you meet someone who made you feel those things that you never really knew existed?"

"This isn't necessarily about me."

"Cut the crap, Logan. You wouldn't be here if you weren't losing your mind over this. What did Kendall say when you asked him?"

"Kendall...had nothing to say. He just told me that he couldn't talk to me about it."

"Did he say why?"

"No. The whole thing was kind of weird. I was freaking out and he was on his way out, so maybe that's all it was. Maybe he just didn't have time. But then we talked again last night and he was...off. I'm really confused about everything in my life right now and it feels like...like my whole world turned upside down. Overnight."

Lucy couldn't help but be amused by the phrase. It was exactly what Carlos had said. "Can I take a wild stab in the dark here and assume that Carlos' refusal to sit with us at lunch has something to do with you and these...feelings?"

Logan licked his lips, surprised. "He's refusing to sit with us?"

"Yes. I can't tell you why, since everything we said is confidential, but it would be a shame if he sat alone in that shop with his lunch, wouldn't it? I just keep seeing his sad face, thinking about how nobody likes him and he can't face...certain people."

"Oh god, I scared him off? No, I told him it was okay, that it wasn't a big deal, and..." It hit him like a ton of bricks. "You know. He told you everything."

"Can't confirm or deny anything."

"He told you. He's afraid to see me again because of the kiss?"

Lucy shrugged. "You're asking the wrong person. But if you don't want him to leave once his sub job is over, I'd suggest making sure he knows you want him here. The way you left in a hurry Saturday night probably made him feel like he'd done something wrong."

"Dammit, Carlos." Logan stood up, his own predicament all but forgotten. "We're done here, right?"

"You tell me. We still have two minutes left if you had anything else to say."

"I think I've said more than enough. You can't tell James any of this!"

"You're right, I can't. It's in the job description. You've got the rest of the period free, right?"

"Yeah."

"Go talk to Carlos. Make sure he knows he's welcome."

"On my way." The door was almost closed when it opened enough to allow Logan's head back in. "Wait a second. You're James' best friend. Why are you encouraging me to talk to Carlos?"

"Let me ask you something instead. You mentioned that what happened with Carlos wasn't a big deal."

"It wasn't. It was just...a weird moment and I'm confident that when I see him again, there won't be any feelings at all."

"And if there are?"

"There won't be. Things are good between me and James and I'm not going to ruin that."

"Even if Carlos makes you feel things James never did?"

That made Logan pause. "I never said that."

"You don't have to. And that's the answer to your question."

* * *

The scent of a working mechanic's garage was like a breath of fresh air. It might have been a classroom, but it was set up in a way that took Logan right back to his visits to the garage where his dad worked during the week. He stood just inside the door for a moment to take it all in.

"Hey, Mr. Mitchell. You lost?"

The amused greeting came from one of his favorite and brightest students. Logan grinned as he turned to the boy, who was bent over what looked like a radiator out of its housing. "I get that every time I enter the gym, too. You ready for that test this afternoon, Oscar?"

"I hope so. I gave up a date with a pretty girl to study for it last night, so if I don't pass, I'm gonna be pissed."

"I think you'll be fine. You usually know the answers when I call on you in class." Logan's gaze roamed the room, finally settling on Carlos amid a small group of students staring down at a row of engines. He was talking animatedly about them, explaining the tiny differences, and Logan smiled when he saw that the three boys and one girl were hanging on his every word. Suddenly he made a joke and laughed, the sound curving Logan's lips up because it was so carefree and unbothered by what anyone else might think. It reminded him of his mother, who unfailingly drew others to her simply by being herself.

 _Stop it, Logan. First he reminds you of Dad, then Mom? Freud would have a field day with you._

"You looking for Mr. Garcia?"

"Uh, I found him. Thanks, Oscar. See you after lunch."

Logan wound his way through a set of tables and moved toward the engines. He was halfway there before Carlos noticed him, and the second their eyes met there was that...whatever it was again. A zing maybe. Really there wasn't a proper word to describe it, but it was real enough that Logan's breath caught and he had to force himself to not break stride. It was nothing. It meant nothing.

Carlos nervously licked his lips as Logan approached. "Hey," he said softly.

"Hi. Didn't mean to interrupt, I just needed to discuss something with you and this is my free period."

"Uh...sure. Guys, I want you to match up each engine to the diagrams in your manual. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Unsure where would be a good place to talk, Logan let Carlos lead him until they were outside the shop and in a hallway that was thankfully empty. "I didn't expect to see you here again," Carlos admitted.

Logan's stomach wouldn't settle down. There was no need to be uptight around Carlos, they'd both agreed the whole thing was a mistake. He had no idea what to say.

Carlos took the bull by the horns. "Look, you don't have to say it. I know I made things really awkward and you're a nice guy so you don't want to tell me that you'd rather I didn't sit with you guys every day. It's fine, I had already planned to stay in here."

"What? No! No, Carlos, I'm here for the exact opposite reason. I was afraid you'd think I _didn't_ want you there, so I needed to let you know that...I do."

Hope blossomed in Carlos' gaze before he forcefully killed it. "Are you sure? I mean, it's awkward enough right now, isn't it going to be worse with your boyfriend around?"

"No. I want us to move past this. It was a mistake and we both know it and there's no reason we can't be friends." When Carlos seemed hesitant to agree to that, Logan said, "Unless of course you'd rather not be my friend. I'm sure that seeing me out of costume is a reminder of how uncool I really am."

"Oh my god, no! Are you kidding me? I had no idea a sweater could look so hot on anyone!"

They both blushed scarlet at the same time, unable to look at each other.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You made it clear you're not into me like that and I'm just making it worse."

Logan didn't know how to feel. So many sensations were suddenly coming to the surface that he could hardly breathe. "It's..." Why was he breathless? He looked into Carlos' eyes and then immediately looked away because whatever he was feeling seemed to be mirrored there. Maybe Carlos was right and it _would_ be a good idea for him to stay away.

"Look, I think what we need is to just...be normal. And a group of friends is the best way to do that, right? Just come have lunch with us, get to know James and Kendall, and...I'm sure we'll all be buddies in no time." Carlos still seemed unsure. "What if I bribed you with pizza?"

"Pizza?" he echoed, his face lighting up.

"Homemade. It's leftover from dinner, but I brought two pieces for myself and I usually only eat one."

"I do love pizza," Carlos grinned, and this time when their eyes met neither looked away. Logan couldn't fight the answering smile at his lips, though he did resist the urge to run a hand up Carlos' chest. What would Carlos do if he did? Would he run away in fear, or would his gaze heat up like it had just before that kiss, when he'd thrown all caution to the wind and just _went_ for it with no holding back and why was Logan even thinking about this? He literally shook his head clear before speaking.

"So um. Come have lunch with us, okay? I promise everyone will be welcoming."

"Well, how can I say no to free pizza?"

"That's the spirit," Logan laughed. His hand was squeezing Carlos' shoulder before he realized what he was doing. Carlos took a step closer, and suddenly it wasn't nearly close enough.

 _What the fuck is_ wrong _with me?_

Logan dropped his hand away, face flaming again. "See you at lunch."

"Right. I'll um...I'll sit on the other side of the table."

"Yeah. Yeah, that's...I should go."

"Are you sure? The period doesn't end for another ten minutes. You could come in and see what all we're working on."

And damn if that didn't sound like fun. Something about Carlos made him feel like a kid again, the way he had before his father's death forced him to grow up fast. "The students wouldn't mind?"

"No way, they can show off what they've learned." Logan hesitated until Carlos added, "Come on, this is step one of being just friends. We'll learn how to be in a room together and not think about sex."

A surprised laugh escaped Logan. _Had_ he been thinking about sex? "Okay, you win. We just talk about cars. No sex."

"No sex," Carlos smirked. He held the door open for Logan. "After you. _Friend."_

Logan braced himself and took a deep breath. He could do this. Whatever this weird thing was with Carlos, he was happy with James and nothing else mattered. The more time they spent together as friends, the more it would fade.

"Thank you. _Friend."_


	36. Chapter 36

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I wasn't going to post this until tomorrow, but I realized I'm planning to spend what I can of tomorrow writing so I need to get this out now. Not a huge chapter as far as plot advancement, but it kind of wraps up what I call "The Lucy Talks" in my head. Now it's Kendall and James' turn to sit in the hot seat with Lucy haha. After this chapter, all four of the boys will have a lot to think about and we'll see how they progress from there.

If you're reading this, you're the best. Thank you! :D

* * *

It really wasn't a surprise when Kendall barged into Lucy's office at the beginning of third period—not only because he did on occasion, but because it fit the pattern her day was shaping into. She sat back with a smirk. "How did I know you'd show up today?"

"Because you're the only person who can help me make sense of my fucked-up life lately?"

"Sit." She waited until he did to ask, "So you're not here to help me with Hogwarts today, I take it?"

"I don't know. Maybe it would be easier to talk if I was physically doing something. I need a distraction."

Noting Kendall's bloodshot eyes, Lucy shook her head. "I think if you don't start talking you're going to explode. Did you sleep at all last night?"

"Some. Had nightmares when I did, though."

"I can see that. I almost texted you yesterday when Jo and I got back home but I was hoping you were quiet because you had a date or something."

"Please. All of my dates end the same way, with me wishing I could go home to James. Or at least talk to him online. And now I fucked that up, too."

"Okay, so...in light of new information I received today, there are many questions I wish I could ask. Confidentiality prohibits me from doing that. I need you to volunteer what you know so that I can comment on it and we can discuss it from there."

"Why do you sound like Logan all of a sudden?" Kendall studied her "I have no idea what you're talking about" expression until it kicked in. "Logan was here."

"Logan _was_ here. How clever of you to surmise that."

"Why? Logan never comes here."

"Can't tell you that, even if you guess correctly. So...why don't you give me some ideas as to why you think Logan might come see me."

"Because he's suddenly a sex machine who needs it every night?"

One of Lucy's eyebrows quirked up. _"That_ I didn't know. When did this happen?"

"Strangely enough, after the dance. When he met Carlos."

"Ah. Well, Carlos _also_ paid me a visit today."

"So you know about the kiss."

"There was a kiss?"

Kendall could tell she did know but had to pretend she didn't. "Carlos kissed Logan at the dance."

"Does James know?"

"From what I can tell, no. And we both know it would kill him if he found out. Has he talked to you at all about any of this?"

"He hasn't," she said honestly. "And that's what I'm dying to know. But if he did...he'd be a wreck. So I'd definitely know, right?"

"I think so. He said some things last night to Rush that make me think he still has no idea."

"So you did talk to him online."

"Yes, and he had breakfast with my family yesterday morning."

Lucy sat up straighter in surprise. "What? Sundays are their days, we all know not to bother them that day."

"Okay, so. I probably shouldn't be telling you all of this, but I have to in order to talk about my shit. And you can pretend whatever you need to be a secret is still secret, right?"

"Just spill already. What the hell did I miss? Besides the fact that Logan apparently did a 180 in the personality department overnight."

Kendall made himself more comfortable before launching into everything. "He and James left the dance early for sex. Logan wanted it."

"Whoa, _Logan_ did? I thought they left because of the kiss."

"Well, I guess in a way that was the case, but it was more because Logan was horny. For the first time in like...ever."

"He told you this?"

"King told me this. James, but..."

"Right. So they left and went home and had sex and I imagine James was ecstatic?"

"He was. He really thought it was a breakthrough for them and was excited that he would finally be getting that side of Logan."

"But he didn't know about the kiss, or that Logan was only turned on because of Carlos."

"Exactly. So the next morning, he tried to start something and Logan stopped him and James lost it. They had a fight and James took off, and he ended up at the restaurant with me and Mom and Katie. I knew they'd had a fight because Logan called me panicking that James was leaving him, so when he showed up and looked like he was about to fall apart..."

"You had to come to the rescue," Lucy smiled.

"Stop it. I just wanted him to know he was welcome with us. It...was actually a really nice time. We got along great and he cried in the bathroom while I consoled him a little and...fuck, Lucy, I'm so in love with him. I never wanted that to end."

"I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts that you can't have him."

Kendall ignored that. "I asked him to drive me home because I wanted to thank him for the skate. And maybe because I just didn't want to say goodbye yet."

"Oh, shit. Is he pissed at me for telling you?"

"He doesn't know it was you. He tried to deny the whole thing at first but then he admitted it and said things about me that...well, just made me fall more in love. By the time we got to my place I was barely able to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to tell him so badly that I can make him happier than Logan does and that's horrible, I feel so guilty for that. But he was already scared of losing Logan and I told him that he'll never be happy if he isn't honest about what he wants."

"Oh my god, we had that same talk Friday night in the gym! He needs to just _tell_ Logan that he has needs."

"Right. I thought I was getting through to him, but when we talked last night online it was clear that nothing had changed. Logan called me before I went out on a date and I was rude to him because he's so clueless. He thinks everything's fine. They made up and I'm sure James apologized as if he'd done something wrong to want sex and Logan was like 'James thinks it was the dressing up that turned me on and I've decided he's right.' The whole thing just pissed me off."

"God, those two are the kings of denial."

"I know! How did we ever think they were right for each other?"

"I guess because they were in love. It seemed natural."

"Was it love, though? I mean...are there different types of love?"

"Of course there are. I just assumed they'd be compatible in bed, too."

"So did I. And they're so not. Do you know what James said last night? He said that after they had sex, Logan just went to sleep. And I could tell how much that bothered him even if he pretended like it didn't. OH. And I didn't tell you the worst part. That fucker couldn't sleep because even after sex with Logan, he was lying in bed getting jealous because I had a date!"

Lucy blinked a few times. "You mean Rush."

"No, I mean _me._ He was jealous and admitted it. Because earlier, in the car, I got him to admit that if it wasn't for Logan and Rush, there might be something between us. He finally admitted that he has feelings for me."

"Jesus, what a mess. I'm sure that scares him."

"I'm sure it _terrifies_ him. So much that he had to go running back to his safety net where everything is just fine all the time and there are no waves. Now I'm back to him ignoring me in person and not talking to me online because I pushed him way too far last night, and all of it fucking sucks. Not just for my sake, but for his. He's not happy, Lucy. And I don't know how to make him that way."

"You can't," she replied gently. "I know that drives you crazy. You just want him to be happy, and you can't force it. Only he can make that happen."

"But he won't! He's just going to spend the rest of his life in a mediocre relationship and being miserable because he's not getting what he needs. He's never going to change."

Lucy chewed on that. "Will Logan?"

"What?"

"We know James isn't going to. He's too scared. Will Logan be content now that he knows what he's missing?"

"I think he's scared, too. They're terrified to let go of each other."

"Then we just have to...back off. Let them live their unhappy lives."

"You know that's not how I do things."

"I don't think you have a choice, Kendall. You've tried, both in person and online. It's time to back away." She sighed as he looked down to hide the tears that were sprouting. "I'm sorry."

The door suddenly banged open. "Lucy, I..."

At the sight of the student barely holding on due to sobs, Lucy stood. "Sadie, are you okay?"

"No."

Kendall waved away the apology Lucy was about to give. "See you at lunch. Thanks for listening."

"Kendall, I'm sorry."

Stealing a glance at the shy girl he'd seen coming out of her office a few times before, he shook his head in dismissal. She needed Lucy more at the moment.

* * *

The bell rang at the start of fourth period. Lucy leaned back in the chair and stretched her legs, resting her feet on the desk to wait. Sure enough, ten seconds later there was a knock on her door.

"Come in, James!"

His expression was unamused when he entered the room. "How did you know it was me?"

"I'm psychic. Sit. Talk."

"Why are you assuming I need to talk? Maybe I just came here because I didn't want to spend my free period alone."

"Again, I'm psychic. Shut your mouth, sit your ass down, and let it all out."

"How am I supposed to shut my mouth _and_ let it all out?"

"Do you see this boot? It's really great for kicking. Actually said that in the catalog I ordered from."

"Okay, fine."

She watched him fall into the chair, noting that he looked a lot like Kendall had. Bloodshot eyes, a general air of restlessness, and as if he had so much to say he didn't know where to start. "I think..."

She waited, not prompting this time. He would get there.

"Wait, how long do I have with you?"

"Twenty minutes today. Take your time, but don't wait too long."

"So no pressure then."

Lucy smiled and continued to wait.

"I think...is it possible to love more than one person at a time?"

"I...don't really know. Not from experience, I mean. There are different types of love, if that's what you mean."

"I'm not sure what I mean. I can trust you, right? With my secrets?"

"You always have before."

He nodded, coming to a decision. "I think I'm in love with three different men."

"Three?"

"Three. I want to be with Logan. I don't ever want that to change."

"Okay."

"But these other two...I can't stop thinking about them."

"You've never mentioned them to me before. Unless...is one that guy you only knew for a week?"

"Yeah."

"I thought you weren't talking to him anymore."

"I wasn't. We went like three months without talking and then last week out of the blue he messaged me and...I've missed him so much. Even just as a friend to talk to."

"So when you talk now...it's just as friends?"

"It's...complicated. I don't want to cheat on Logan, so we keep it...tame. Mostly."

"Mostly?"

"Last night it went a little too far. He said things..."

Lucy's feet dropped to the floor and she leaned forward, remembering how Kendall had said James probably wouldn't talk to him again because of things he'd said. "What things?"

"I think he was just trying to make a point, like he always does, but...he asked me to marry him." Her speechlessness finally brought a chuckle out of him. "I know. Crazy, right? We hardly know each other."

"He...was he serious?"

"I don't think so. It was in the heat of a highly-charged moment and he was just talking out his ass, I'm sure."

"What did you say?"

"I didn't. Logan caught me in the living room and...well, it's embarrassing to admit this but I'd...you know. Quite enjoyed our conversation."

"Oh my god. Did you guys fight about it?"

"No. He had no idea. And the guilt I feel about all of this..."

"It's consuming you," Lucy guessed. He nodded, barely able to meet her eyes. "Are you going to talk to him again?"

"I don't know. I think it's best I don't. I obviously can't control myself. I kept trying to walk away from my phone, kept trying to shut it down so I wouldn't see what he was saying but..." A hitch in his breathing that was almost a sob had Lucy standing from the desk so that she could kneel in front of James and hold his hands. "But he was saying everything I've ever wanted to hear. It's not fair, Lucy. It's just not fair. Why doesn't Logan say those things?"

Sobs wracked his body as he clung to her, face buried in her shoulder. "I know you don't want to hear this, but...what if it's because Logan isn't the right guy for you?"

"I don't even know this guy! We've never even met, how does he affect me so deeply? How does he know exactly what to say? Why can't I just stop thinking about him?"

"Because he knows the real you. You're honest with him, aren't you? All those things you don't admit to Logan, don't admit to me...you tell him, don't you?"

"He knows everything about me. And he still likes me! How is that possible?"

"You're an incredible guy, James. Warm, funny, loyal..." She pulled back enough to look into his eyes. "I know you don't want anyone to know this, but you're a good person with a good heart. He sees that."

"He doesn't even know me!"

"He does. Probably better than anyone else on the planet. For sure better than Logan."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you admitted that you tell him everything. You don't hide parts of yourself in fear that he'll leave you. I think you do that with Logan, and I think that says a lot about the state of your relationship. He isn't where you belong, James."

"He's the only one who accepts me."

"If that was true, would this guy have asked you to marry him?"

"He didn't mean it."

"Maybe not, but he still said the words. He was making the point that he loves you enough to do that. To entertain the idea. Have you and Logan ever talked about marriage?"

"No. I don't think that's really his thing."

"You should ask. Because I know it's yours."

"We've only been dating for three months. Imagine if I brought up something like that to him? He'd tell me all the reasons why it makes sense to wait and to not even consider it for at least a year. Probably two, knowing him. And the thing is...he'd be right. He's always right. It would be stupid to marry someone I've only been dating for three months. Even stupider to say yes to a guy I've never met in person."

"That may be true," Lucy conceded. She reached behind her for a box of tissues and passed it to James, still on her knees before him. "But it's not stupid to ask yourself 'Is this someone I can see myself marrying at some point?' Not if that's your end goal."

"It is. I want marriage. I want forever. And...so does he."

"Logan?"

"No. I mean, maybe he does, I don't know. I meant...my guy. Rush."

"Rush," Lucy smiled. "Interesting name."

"I told him it fit because of the rush he gives me," James grinned, a fleeting moment of happiness in his eyes before reality crashed back down again. "He'd do it all."

"All of what?"

"Remember what you said to me the other night? In the gym? That I shouldn't have to choose, that there would be a guy who could give me the sex and the romance?"

"Right. And you said he might."

"Yeah." James scrubbed his eyes. "It's all so scary, though. I don't know how to live without Logan."

"Who says you have to?"

"Come on, we both know that if I dumped him, he'd be devastated. Just like I'd be if he dumped me. There's no way we could still be friends after that."

"Do you think he'd just magically stop caring about you? That he wouldn't need to know that you're okay?"

"He'd be hurt and angry."

"But he'd still care. He might even understand where you're coming from."

"Oh, like I could just say to him, 'Hey, I'm talking to that guy again and I've decided to leave you for him.' We swore we'd never leave each other, Lucy."

"People change. Feelings change. Maybe start by telling him what you need from him that the other guy has to offer. Tell him that you're unhappy because you need certain things he hasn't been giving you and see how it goes from there."

"I _was_ happy, though."

"You've been lying to yourself."

"No. He was enough. And then last night...I couldn't hide from it anymore. I want more. But I'm so afraid to lose Logan."

"Please, James, talk to him. Tell him what you're telling me. He deserves the truth from you."

James bit his lip, struggling to find the courage to admit the rest. "There's more. I've been hiding something from him. From everyone."

 _Finally._ Sensing that James was a bit more stable, she got to her feet and returned to her place behind the desk. "You mentioned a third guy you're in love with?"

"I don't know if it's love. There's so much physical attraction, I think that's all it is and I'm just making too much of it."

"If you're talking about Kendall, I can tell you it's more than physical attraction on his end."

His face paled. "You know about that?"

"I'm his best friend. Well, outside of Logan. And he certainly can't talk to Logan about his feelings for you, can he?"

"How long have you known?"

"Since the day he kissed you."

"Oh my god. All this time you knew? Lucy, how could you not tell me?!"

"Tell you what?"

"That he was in love with me!"

"It wasn't my place! And I shouldn't need to tell you that. He kissed you. Do you think he just randomly goes around kissing guys every day?"

"Well, he _does_ date around."

"Oh my god, you are so fucking jealous. James, how can you sit here and still think it's Logan you want to be with? You're jealous of every man Kendall dates _and_ you're thinking about marrying another man."

"I am not thinking of marrying him! I'm just bringing up that it happened!"

"And that you can't stop thinking about it! Look, you want my advice? Go for him."

"Which one?"

"Honestly, it doesn't matter. Pick Rush or Kendall and go for it. See what happens."

"I can't leave Logan!"

"You can't stay with him, either! You're miserable, James! Just go be happy for once in your life!"

"Logan does make me happy!"

"You just said five minutes ago that you're not. Stop running to him. Stop hiding behind the safety he gives you and get yourself fucked the way you want to be!"

James' jaw dropped. "Don't make it all about sex! That's not all I care about!"

"Fine, then answer this question. Are you in love with Kendall?"

"I...we've hardly spent any time together."

"Are you in love with Rush?" To that there was no answer. "You already pretty much admitted it. Please, James. You'll always wonder about him if you don't take this chance now. Just...live. For once in your life, go after what you want."

"I just want to be happy," James whispered.

"I know." More gently, she added, "That's all I want for you, too. Logan isn't making you happy." Her focus suddenly shifted to the door. "Shit, we're out of time."

"Hi, Lucy! Oh. Sorry." The kid stopped in surprise at seeing James seated in the chair. "Am I early?"

"No, we were just finishing up. James...think about what I said, okay?"

With an abrupt "see you at lunch", he was gone.


	37. Chapter 37

Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to "Big Time Rush."

As always, I thank you for reading. :)

* * *

James was staring off into space when Logan laid a hand on his shoulder. "You feeling sick again?"

"What? No. No, I'm fine. Thanks," he said as Logan set down a plate of pizza in front of him.

"You're not fine, something's definitely going on. Talk to me."

"This isn't the place. And everyone else will be here any second so we can't talk anyway."

"Fine, but when we get home, we're blocking out the world and just talking. I'm gonna go heat this up. I promised Carlos a slice."

Carlos? When had he talked to Carlos? James' head hurt too much to try to figure it out. He could barely even think past the conversation he'd had with Lucy less than an hour ago. She could say what she wanted about his love life, but she didn't understand.

"Hey."

James looked up at the hesitant smile, recalling that Lucy had mentioned Carlos was nervous about making friends. He'd seemed quiet in the equipment room, though since they'd all been counting ballots James hadn't read too much into it. "Hey." He gestured toward the empty seats.

"Does it matter where?"

"Not really, just not this one because Logan's sitting here. The other two should be here...oh wait, Lucy's texting me." James opened his phone and read the words, dread settling into his stomach.

 _"Hey I'm meeting with Kendall to talk so we won't be there. Be nice to Carlos."_

"Actually, they're not coming. Sit wherever you'd like."

"Carlos! Here you go, one slice of pepperoni and sausage, just like I promised."

"Thanks," Carlos smiled, sitting where Logan set the plate down on the other side of the table. "I brought a sandwich but this is so much better."

"I'd offer you more but Kendall might not like that."

James spoke up. "Kendall's not coming. He and Lucy are apparently in a meeting."

"A meeting? At lunch? What could they possibly have to talk about at lunch?"

James thought he might know, and the prospect made him panicky. He picked up his phone again to send a text back.

 _"You'd better not tell him anything I said to you. I trusted you with my secrets."_

" _Relax, I need advice about Jo. We're not even talking about you."_

Well, that helped a little. A third slice of pizza was plopped down on top of the two he already had, then he watched Logan offer Carlos a second one. Kendall's loss.

"So Carlos, how's the Skyliner coming?"

"Great! We focused on the doors today, and next period my advanced class is going to start building a new engine for it."

"What kind did you settle on?"

As Carlos answered, James tuned the conversation out. He couldn't really focus anyway, especially when they started using technical terms that he'd had no idea Logan knew. It felt like there were too many things to think about, like his life had become a puzzle that he didn't know how to put together. Every time he looked at Logan, he couldn't imagine walking away from that. Logan always knew what he needed. Today was a perfect example, as Logan had read him well enough to know something was wrong. _Twice._

Then again, when it had to do with sex, Logan seemed to turn a blind eye to his suffering. How was it that Logan could take one look at him and know when he was upset, but in the bedroom be completely oblivious to what James was thinking? James did try to hide his desire when he knew Logan wasn't in the mood, yet he also tried to hide everything else without success. Why was he only successful in hiding things that had to do with sex?

 _Because he does see it, he just doesn't want to deal with it. Or talk about it. Or even think about it. He doesn't want it, James._

That wasn't totally true, though. The past two nights, he'd seemed to want it. For sure Saturday night, he'd not let up until he was satisfied. Even last night he'd initiated it, and yet...

 _It was different. Like he was doing it because..._

 _Because he knew I wanted it. But he enjoyed it, I know he did, he closed his eyes the whole time and just felt it and he was into it._

A giggle broke into James' thoughts, the sound so foreign from Logan's mouth that James wasn't sure at first it had come from there. Carlos was laughing, too, and Logan was so amused he had to cover his mouth with a napkin to keep food from flying out.

"Stop it, I'm going to spit pizza everywhere!"

"You know it's true!" Carlos grinned.

Suddenly it felt like Kendall and Logan all over again. James remembered that week where he was the outsider among them, but it made sense in that case. They'd been dating. This was nothing like that. It was...

" _You know how he is with new guys, always making sure we feel welcome."_

It was Kendall who had said that. James remembered how the comment had sent him into a panic that night, the fear that Logan might shift his focus to Carlos practically paralyzing him. _He_ was the one dating Logan now, there was no reason to feel like the outsider.

"What did I miss?" James tried.

"Oh, sorry," Logan chuckled. "Just auto humor. You wouldn't get it."

"Well, since we're on the subject, I'm surprised that you get it. Why didn't you ever tell me you were into cars?"

"I told you Saturday night."

"Okay but to this degree? How is that not something we've ever discussed?"

"I don't know," Logan mumbled, gaze going down to his plate. "Not something I talk about."

Yet he seemed fine to talk about it with Carlos. And James was totally overreacting about this, wasn't he?

He was a mess. The last place he needed to be right now was around Logan because he already knew he'd start a fight. "Listen, guys, I'm gonna head back to class. There were some songs I wanted to practice before next period."

Logan's face showed his concern, and at least there was still that, right? "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. See you after school. Carlos, good to see you."

"You, too."

James reached back for the pizza he'd barely touched. If he was going to fight with someone, he knew exactly who he needed to be around.

* * *

Carlos seemed to grow quieter once James left, so much that it was no surprise when he announced five minutes later that he also needed to get back to class. Logan was disappointed anyway.

"Can I walk you over there?"

After a brief inner debate, Carlos shrugged. "Sure. I need to say some things, so that's probably a good idea."

They cleaned up the remains of their lunches and headed toward the shop building, Logan's hands in his pockets as they walked next to each other. "Was it James? Did he make you feel unwelcome?"

"No, nothing like that. He was nice."

"Good. Sometimes that isn't the case."

Carlos waited until they were outdoors to admit, "I think I would've rather he was a dick, honestly. I felt guilty sitting there knowing I'd kissed you and..."

"And what?"

"That I wanted to do it again. I was wrong, Logan. I can't just be your friend. Every time I look at you, I remember that kiss and I know it didn't mean anything to you, but to me it was—"

"Hold that thought."

They continued on in silence, Logan holding the shop door open for Carlos and relieved to find the place empty. Once positive they weren't being watched, Logan stepped close enough to Carlos that he backed up against the wall because he didn't trust himself.

"Look," Logan started. "I'm in a really weird place right now. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I was happy. You kissed me and suddenly it felt like everything I knew was a lie. It _did_ mean something to me. What I don't know is what I should do about it. Or if I should do anything at all."

"He doesn't know?"

"No. It would devastate him. And that's why I'm so..." Logan sighed and closed his eyes, wondering how to explain it. "If I leave him, he'll fall apart. I thought that what I was feeling for you would be over by today, that it was..."

"Temporary insanity?" Carlos joked, remembering Logan using that term for their stolen moment.

"Actually, yes. I wanted that to be the case."

Carlos bit his lip, stretching his hand close enough to slide a finger under Logan's sweater. Even through the tee he wore underneath Logan felt the teasing touch and whimpered, his head falling forward onto Carlos' shoulder. "It doesn't feel like that when he touches me," Logan whispered. "I didn't even know that existed."

"I didn't either."

Logan whimpered again when Carlos tugged on the material so that the t-shirt pulled free from the waistband of Logan's jeans. Now it was three fingers, gliding across his bare abdomen in a gesture that should've tickled. Instead it set off a wave of shudders in Logan so that he pressed his body closer until Carlos was trapped. "I'm crazy. This is crazy. I don't even know you."

As true as the words might've been, they weren't enough to keep his curiosity in check. He just needed to know if what he was feeling was real or all in his head. He dove in for a desperate kiss, Carlos whining before returning the move with equal passion and grabbing Logan's hips to keep him in place. Soon enough those hands moved to Logan's ass, using it as leverage while they rutted into each other.

"Oh god," Logan moaned, so many sensations running through him he didn't know how to contain them all. Nothing had ever felt like this. It was wrong, he _knew_ that, but he couldn't seem to stop. For the first time, Logan's brain wasn't in control of his actions.

And he _liked_ it.

It was Carlos who ended it this time, somehow finding the strength to push Logan away.

"I'm sorry," Logan grated. "Oh my god, that was all me, I'm so sorry."

"No, it wasn't all you, I only stopped because I was about to lose it. Neither of us can afford to be caught with our pants down in a classroom."

"Holy shit. I'm the one who says things like that. _I'm_ the one who won't even kiss someone at school. What the fuck is happening to me?"

"I don't really know," Carlos breathed, trying to calm down. He reached out to cup the prominent bulge in Logan's jeans and added, "But I want more of it. So please, Logan. Do us both a favor and stay away."

Logan thrusted forward into the grip, unable to help himself. The hand tightened and he moaned again, his head falling back while his hips kept up a slow rhythm.

"Fuck, you're so hot," Carlos whispered. "There's no way I can keep my hands off of you. I mean it. Don't come near me unless..." Logan's breathing changed and his hips sped up. "Shit. Shit, Logan, don't...fuck, how am I supposed to fight this?"

Logan was beyond thought. Carlos' hand on him was all that mattered, those fingers kneading him just right. Just a few more strokes and he'd be there. A bell rang overhead and Carlos gasped, about to pull away but Logan reached down to keep his hand in place because he wasn't finished yet. So close, he was so close.

Logan's orgasm swept through him with enough power that he had trouble standing through it. A hand over his mouth kept in the whines that tried to break free, Carlos unable to look away from that normally-composed face losing all semblance of control. It was almost enough to send him over the edge by itself. "Jesus," he breathed, finally letting go with both hands and more than a little shaky as Logan backed away.

The door banged open and Carlos panicked, but Logan didn't seem worried at all. Without a word, he lifted the sweater over his head and tied the sleeves around his waist so that they hung over his crotch. And damn if he didn't look even sexier in just a t-shirt with his eyes slightly glazed over.

"So anything you can do to encourage Adam in his studies would be much appreciated, Carlos. I know you haven't been here long, but he speaks highly of you and any advice you could give him would be taken to heart. He's in danger of failing my class. Remind him that math is necessary even in the auto world."

Adam? What the fuck was Logan rambling on about? Carlos could barely form thoughts after that. "You got it. I'll have a talk with him."

"Thank you. Maybe we can meet up later to discuss Alex."

"We'll uh...we'll see. You're gonna be late to class."

An almost-hysterical laugh broke free from Logan. "Oh my god, you're right. I need to go. Thanks for the talk."

"Yeah. It was..."

Carlos didn't need to finish the sentence. Logan smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Bye."

"See ya."

As Logan waltzed out the door amid a group of students coming in, Carlos had no idea if that was true. All he knew was that there was no way he'd ever forget the man or what had just happened.

* * *

Lucy refused to tell Kendall anything on the walk to the car. Instead, they spent it discussing his date the night before and her trip with Jo to the mountains while she managed a few texts. It was all well and good, but he knew she was dying to have her say about something so as soon as they were closed inside her vehicle, he turned to her. "Okay, what's the big secret?"

His answer was a smack to the face from her purse.

"Um...OW. What the fuck, Lucy?"

"You dare to ask _me_ that? What the fuck is wrong with _you?"_

Another whack, this time to his left cheek. "Stop hitting me, Jesus! What are you so upset about?"

"You asked him to marry you?! Are you fucking _insane?!"_

"Oh god." Kendall hid his face in his hands, both in embarrassment and to ward off any more attacks from her handbag. "He told you?"

"Of course he told me! He's freaking out, what did you expect would come from that?"

"I don't know, that he'd wake the fuck up and realize he isn't happy?! I lost control, okay? He just kept telling me how happy he was and I knew it was a lie, I knew he was fooling himself, so I needed to show him. I needed him to face it." When she shook her head, his explanation obviously not enough, he added, "You said the same thing!"

"I didn't tell you to destroy his sanity! He sat in my office today and told me he's in love with three people and it's making him crazy!"

Kendall blinked. "Three people? _Three?"_

"Three," she confirmed. _"You_ are included in that. He finally told me everything, about Rush and about you and he's still terrified to leave Logan but you really threw him for a loop with that proposal. He isn't even sure you actually meant it. You didn't, right?"

"I..." Kendall couldn't meet her eyes.

"Oh my god. You can't be serious right now. You've only known him for three months!"

"I love him, Lucy! Don't you think I've tried to stop? Why do you think I go out on dates so often like a pathetically desperate person? I'm trying to get over him. Nothing works!"

"So, what? Instead you're going to ruin his relationship?"

"You agreed they don't belong together!"

"That's not the way to break them up! They need to come to that decision on their own!"

"And you and I both know James never will unless he thinks he has someone else to jump to. He needs to be loved. He needs to be accepted. He needs to know that someone wants him badly enough to actually stay with him forever. That's all I was trying to do."

Lucy closed her eyes and leaned back against the window, drained. "He's confused, Kendall. I've never seen him so close to actually considering leaving Logan."

"And why do you think that is? Because someone finally forced him to open his eyes. Hit me all you want, but you know I'm right. Did he tell you what happened last night? Before I asked him to marry me?"

"Not really. I didn't ask, that's between you two."

"He kept trying to leave. Trying to walk away from what I was saying."

"Oh, he did say that. Said he couldn't because..."

"Because why?" Kendall needed to know.

"Because you were saying everything he'd always wanted to hear. Then he broke down crying and asked me why Logan never says those things."

"Oh, James," Kendall sighed. "Did you hug him? That's what he needed right then."

"I did," she nodded. "I let him cry for awhile. Told him that there's a reason and that it's because Logan isn't right for him."

"Did it get through to him at all?"

"I think so."

"Then why are you mad at me?"

"Because you know how he is. He got his hopes up over Logan with the sex, and when that didn't work out he was devastated. Imagine what would happen if he took your proposal seriously and then you said, 'Oh sorry, that wasn't sincere. I was just making a point.' You have to think before you speak, Kendall."

"It was in the moment. I got caught up in the vision of what it would be like with him and then said what I was feeling in that moment. The truth is that's something I would do."

"Okay, but after three months?"

"Lucy, I was ready to do that after three _days."_ She lifted a disbelieving eyebrow. "Okay, maybe five. But my point stands. I want marriage. So does he. Why wait?"

"Because you hardly know each other."

"We know the things that count. We have so much in common. He doesn't see me as I am now, this weak, pathetic has-been."

Her face fell. "Kendall, you know that's not true. You're so much more than that."

"When he looks at me, he sees me as I was. He sees me _whole."_ When Lucy had nothing to say to that, he added, _"_ I went back and watched all his performances, you know."

"When?"

"After he and Logan got together. I saw them through new eyes, noticed things I hadn't before. He's so desperate to be loved and accepted, and I want to give him that. I want to give him forever. I want to give him _everything._ I just want him to be happy. He won't be without that security and devotion."

"He has that with Logan."

"Well, Logan's failing him in other areas. And I don't believe he does have that devotion with Logan. I think Logan's doubting everything and falling for Carlos. Where does that leave James?"

"Right where you want him, apparently."

"Stop. I'm not happy about his suffering."

"Kendall..." Lucy didn't know how to continue.

"I know what you're gonna say. What he needs most right now is a friend, someone to help him figure out what he wants."

"No, I think he knows what he wants. He sounds pretty convinced that Rush is exactly what he needs."

A smile broke across Kendall's face. "Yeah?"

"Yes. But that just leaves you in another predicament. How do you think he'll react when he realizes you're the same person and you've been lying to him all this time?"

"I'm not worried about it."

"You should be."

"Nope. He can't stay mad at me. He's in love with me. We don't know how to stay away from each other."

Seeing the happiness those truths brought about in Kendall, Lucy cautioned, "This might all backfire, you know. Don't get your hopes up because we know that the closer James gets to waking up and facing his feelings, the faster he runs back to Logan because they terrify him."

Kendall shrugged. "Then I just have to hope your theory is right and Logan faces the reality that they aren't meant to be together."

"Which you think will have James running straight into Rush's arms."

"Hoping. I don't really have any expectations. I'm just...hoping."

"Well, I don't know about Rush, but it looks like he's heading for you at least."

"What do you mean?"

She nodded toward the windshield. Kendall glanced over to see James approaching with a plate. "What the hell? Why isn't he with Logan?"

"Ask him. This is my cue to leave. And _tell him you're Rush!"_ she hissed.

"Lucy, don't—"

She shoved the car door open and greeted James with a smile. "Hey, stud! Is that for me?"

"It's for Kendall, actually. Logan—"

"Thanks! I'll eat it on the way back to the office. Lock up my car, boys!"

Before James could stop her, she'd snagged the plate of pizza from him and stalked off. Kendall rolled his eyes and called out, "Just let her go. And get in."

"Don't tell me what to do."

Kendall smirked. James was in a fiery mood. _Fuck yes, bring it on._ "Get in the car before I bend you over the hood and fuck you in front of the entire school."

James almost stumbled. Mortified, he slid behind the wheel and slammed the door shut. "What is wrong with you?"

"I knew it would get you in the car," Kendall grinned. He turned his body so that he could face James. "So Logan sent you out here with my lunch?"

"No, I left. Went to find you guys in Lucy's office but that was empty, so I figured you were here."

"Why did you leave?"

"I was pissed off."

 _Ah._ "Carlos?"

"Not really. He was nice."

"Logan then?"

"I don't know. I was just really irritated and almost started a fight with Logan, so I figured if I was determined to start a fight with someone, I should find you."

Pleased, Kendall smirked again. "I'm flattered. And oddly stimulated. Take your best shot."

James opened his mouth, searching for something to say; words never made it out. Instead, Kendall watched his entire demeanor change as his face fell and his bottom lip started to tremble.

It wasn't a fight James needed. Kendall reached across James to pop the master lock so that all the doors were unlocked. "Back seat. Now."

"What?"

"Just go. I'll be a gentleman, I promise."

Kendall beat James to it, using the time alone to make himself comfortable so that when James did open the door, it was to the sight of Kendall sprawled out as much as he was able. "I'm not making out with you."

Kendall opened his arms. Longing filled James' hazel eyes, which were beginning to swim. "I'm here," Kendall invited softly.

That was all it took. James awkwardly slid onto the seat, trying to avoid Kendall's legs while he closed the back door, then he stretched out over Kendall, who wrapped him up in a comforting embrace.

"Can we just..."

"Of course," Kendall whispered, kissing James' forehead. "Anything you want."

Of the ten minutes remaining until the lunch period ended, James spent half of it crying into Kendall's shirt while Kendall caressed his arms and back soothingly. For the rest of it they laid together in silence, James with his eyes closed while Kendall occasionally pressed a kiss to his hair. James could feel Kendall's heartbeat against his cheek, and it brought him temporary peace.

* * *

When Lucy showed up in the drama department just before the final bell rang, James' stomach dropped. He'd been uneasy and full of dread the entire afternoon for no reason, just a feeling that his world was about to implode. Somehow Lucy's presence seemed to cement that.

"Hey," she started, approaching once the students had been dismissed. "So Logan asked me to give you a lift home."

James swallowed hard, looking around and waiting until they were alone to reply. His body was flashing hot and cold as if he had a fever. "Is he mad at me for some reason?"

"No, he just ended up leaving after lunch. Got a sub for the rest of the day and went home."

Now his body felt like pure ice. "He didn't tell me that."

"All I know is that he needed time to think. That's what the text said." As if she knew the statement affected him like a knife to the heart, she took his hand and gently pulled him toward the exit. "You need to grab anything?"

"No," he whispered. A full-fledged panic attack was coming on. He wanted to ask questions, wanted to scream, wanted to run. Instead he silently let Lucy lead him to the parking lot, keeping his head down and focusing on just walking and breathing.

Once in the car, she asked, "You okay?"

"No," was his answer again, and when he said nothing more, she put the car in drive and headed out.

* * *

He'd remained silent for the entire ride. He needed to get away from Lucy, but at the same time he was hesitant to get out of the car; once he walked into that apartment, there would be no going back. His life was about to change, he felt it and it made breathing difficult.

"Hey," Lucy said softly, squeezing his hand. "You're gonna be okay."

He turned to her suddenly with fire in his eyes. "You know, don't you? Whatever this is, you know. He told you something. Is he done with me?"

Lucy's eyes filled with compassion. "Honestly, I don't know what this is. I know he was confused earlier and came to me for advice. I also know that he loves you very much and doesn't want to lose you. But I promise you this, James. Whatever happens, you're not alone. He'll always be there for you, and so will I, and so will Kendall."

The name made a tiny incision in the panic bubble that had surrounded him. "What did you mean earlier, when you said it's not just physical for him?"

"Exactly that. There's a lot more to his feelings for you. I'm not asking you to think about all of that right now, I know you feel overwhelmed. Between him and Logan and Rush, you've got a lot going on. I just want to make sure you know that you're not alone. We all love you and we're here for you no matter what. If you need someone, call us."

"I can't call Rush," James reminded her.

"You know how to get in touch with him. The man asked you to marry him. Whether he meant it or not, he at least cares enough about you to be there when you need someone. Don't throw that away."

"I think..." he started, gaze losing focus as he gathered his thoughts. "I think what would help me most is to just...get rid of him. _And_ Kendall. The problem here is that I took my focus away from Logan and—"

"James," Lucy sighed, eyes closing before she stared at him again. "The _problem_ here is that they were _able_ to pull your focus away. Stop ignoring what you don't want to face. If Logan was everything you needed, _no one_ could have pulled your focus away."

James looked out the window at the building that had become his place of refuge and safety. It seemed impossible that he would dread walking into it now. "I don't want things to change," he murmured in the scared voice of a frightened child.

"I know," she soothed. "One thing that won't is Logan's love for you. No matter where you two go from here, you will always be best friends."

"I miss that," James choked out. "I miss being his friend."

"Just go up and talk to him. Whatever's going on in his mind, you can face it together. I'm sure he's just as terrified of losing you."

James swallowed back the tears that wanted to spill over. "I love him."

"I know. Go on. You can call me later if you need to, okay?"

Without warning James launched himself at her for a desperate hug. She embraced him just as fiercely. "Can I give Kendall your number?"

"Why?"

"Because he's been worried about you ever since lunch. He keeps texting me to ask if you're okay."

Remembering the way he'd broken down, James gave a sad chuckle. "He's an idiot."

"But a devoted one. So can I?"

James bit his lip, torn. Finally he nodded. "Tell him to text me but not...no guarantees that I'll answer."

"You got it."

"And um. Tell him I'm okay. Since he's so worried about me and all."

He'd meant for it to come off mocking, but Lucy heard the smile behind the words. "I will. Now get out of my car."

"Okay," he laughed. "Thanks for the ride. And for being here."

"Call me if you need me."

"You know I will."

With a bright grin, Lucy leaned over to kiss James on the cheek. "You're gonna be fine."

"Eventually."

She nodded before echoing, "Eventually."


	38. Chapter 38

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

* * *

James found Logan sitting on their small patio that was enclosed by a short wrought-iron fence, staring out across the trees and grass that separated their building from the next. The glass door was closed, so it was probable that Logan hadn't heard him come in. James took a moment to simply study him. His dark bangs, which he styled so that they swept off his forehead, looked as if he'd run fingers through them a thousand times. His chin was resting on one hand while the other stretched across the table, fingers tapping out a repeated rhythm that never wavered. When James fidgeted like that, there was no method to it; his fingers just randomly tapped whatever surface they touched. He knew that for Logan, the steady and methodical gesture provided an orderly background to the chaos of his thoughts when he was nervous or struggling with a puzzle. He was also in his favorite pair of blue jeans, which Logan refused to wear outside the apartment because they were frayed at the seams and sprouting a hole near the right knee; at home, though, they gave him the comfort he needed but couldn't find in the outside world. Next to his elbow sat his oldest mug, the one he'd picked up at some convention back in college that stated "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER."

Today, James thought knowledge might prove to be the opposite. He didn't want to know whatever it was Logan was about to tell him. Watching him now, James couldn't imagine living without him. The mere idea of it froze up his insides. How was he supposed to get through each day without Logan there to guide him and make sure he was taken care of?

A sudden buzzing from his pocket made James reach down for his phone. He would shut it off; the last thing he needed was the outside world trying to crowd in right now.

As he was about to thumb the button that would turn off the power, a name on the display caught his eye. His phone informed him the text was from "Maybe: Kendall."

" _Hey, it's Kendall. No pressure, just text or call if you ever need to. I'm here."_

The pin prick in that panic bubble expanded slightly, enough so that James could take a deep breath. Kendall was no Logan, but he was proof of what Lucy had said earlier: James wasn't alone.

" _Thanks."_ It wasn't much of a reply, but it was all James could muster up at the moment. He sent it and shut down the phone, then took another deep breath and opened the glass door.

* * *

The only indication that Logan heard the door slide open was that his fingers stopped moving. James stepped outside and laid his hands on Logan's shoulders, squeezing gently before bending down to kiss the top of his head. Logan was stiff but leaned his head back against James' stomach, eyes closed as he smiled. "Hey, beautiful."

"Hello, my little nerd. Want to come inside and talk?"

"Yeah. There's a chocolate pie in the fridge, and I stopped on the way home for more chocolate milk."

"You definitely know how to butter me up," James joked, and wasn't it crazy that he was 99% sure they were on the verge of a break-up but he'd never felt closer to Logan?

When Logan stood and turned to face him, the sheer force of his love for this man was overpowering. James clutched him and held him tight, peace stealing over him even though he should've felt like he was on shaky ground. Maybe it was the way Logan clutched him just as tightly that was reassuring.

"I love you," Logan murmured into his neck. "God, I love you so much."

"I know," James whispered, and now the tears were making a comeback. "I love you, too. Can we...?"

"Yeah. Go."

Neither was in the mood for pie, but Logan refilled his mug with chamomile tea and brought out a tall glass of chocolate milk for James, who was already seated on the sofa that had seen all of their laughter and tears. His stomach clenched when he realized it might not see anymore. Suddenly he had to know.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

The drinks almost slipped out of Logan's hands at the blunt question. James reached up to save his chocolate milk, barely avoiding a spill. Logan waited until he was sitting next to James and the tea was safe on the coffee table to answer. He shifted his body sideways, hands clasped together in his lap and said, "I don't know."

"Okay." It was one word that invited more, James relieved in a weird way that at least they were finally talking about it.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was coming home. I just...I couldn't face you right then and I needed to get away and think and...you were right months ago when you called me a chickenshit. I am."

"Okay, but with me?" James wondered. "Since when are you afraid to talk to me?"

"Since what I say might send you running. James, you tried to move when I was upset with you last time. I can't...I won't lose you like that again."

James licked his lips, blinking rapidly. "So it's better to lie to me?"

"I haven't lied to you. Not once, about anything."

"Maybe not, but there's sure as hell things you aren't telling me. Something changed and I don't know what. I feel like there's suddenly this fog between us, like I can see you but I can't find my way to you and I hate this, I can't stand this feeling. One second we were fine, and the next..."

"I know," Logan sighed. He looked down at his hands. "It's all my fault. I...it doesn't make sense to me. None of this does. _You_ make sense. You're the one thing in this world I know I can count on and why I would even consider giving that up..."

"Then why are you? I mean...I know we're not perfect. I know we don't see eye to eye in every area, but I never considered walking away."

Logan nodded, then reached for his tea. "You're a better person than me. I don't deserve your devotion."

"That's bullshit, you totally do. You deserve _more_ than me. So if that's what this is about, if you met someone who's better for you and can give you what I can't, I understand." He choked up, a sob working its way out, but he managed, "I want you to be happy."

"Drink your milk."

James did, gulping it down like it was a lifeline. Of course Logan knew it would soothe him, because Logan knew _everything_ about him. Logan _knew._ What would he do without that?

"It's not about finding someone better, James. There is no one better at being a boyfriend than you are. It's what you live for, what makes you whole."

" _You_ make me whole."

"I don't know that that's true, babe. We never talk about it, but it's obvious that we're not compatible in the bedroom."

James felt his blood boil as he plunked down the near-empty glass. "Look, I'm sick of talking about that. I don't care about that. You love me, that's all that matters to me!"

"I know that, and that's how I always felt, too. You were considerate and never pressured me—"

"I did yesterday," James interrupted, cheeks flaming with shame. "I was wrong to make you feel like that just because you didn't want to have sex."

"James, no, that wasn't the issue. I..."

"You what? You seemed to want it and then suddenly you didn't and...I was just hurt."

Logan set down his tea and stood up, hands rubbing up and down his arms as he paced. "This is the part I didn't want to talk about. James, you have to promise me that whatever I say, you won't run away from me. Please." He stopped pacing and used a foot to slowly shove the coffee table out of the way so that he could kneel before James. Only when James' hands were secure in his did he add, "That's my biggest fear, is you leaving and never coming back."

"It's mine, too," James admitted.

"Then we need to make sure that doesn't happen. I don't know where we'll end up tomorrow. Or even an hour from now. What I do know is that I want you next to me when it happens. Can you promise me that?"

"Of course." James sniffed as emotions pushed up through him again. "As long as you promise me that won't change."

Logan licked his lips. "I can't promise anything except that I'm always here for you. I...I don't even know how to explain it because I don't understand it."

"Stop trying to understand it and just tell me what's going on. I don't care if it doesn't make sense. Half of my life doesn't make sense but you love me anyway. I'm going to love you, too."

Logan inhaled a breath, obviously not sure that would still be the case when he was done. "I guess...well...you know, Kendall said it perfectly."

"Kendall?" Outrage wanted to burst from James. "Why the fuck are we always talking about Kendall? Jesus, are you still in love with him?!"

"No! James, please, calm down. I'm not in love with Kendall. But the day he broke up with me, he said something that I didn't understand at the time. I think I get it now."

"What?"

"He mentioned...a craving. Wanting someone so badly you can't stop thinking about them and needing to know that they feel the same way about you."

Fear pierced James' heart. Did Logan know about his feelings for Rush? For _Kendall?_

"I'd never felt that before. I thought..." Logan shook his head. "I thought it sounded crazy."

Now things were starting to fall into place. "What changed?"

"Well...it still sounds crazy. I still think it's unhealthy. But..."

James closed his eyes and leaned back against the cushion. "But you feel it now. And not for me." When there was no reply, he opened his eyes and saw the answer on Logan's face. "So you suddenly wanting sex...that wasn't about me. It wasn't about the dressing up."

Logan was afraid to speak. "I'm sorry," he managed. "I didn't...it just...out of nowhere, I swear I never meant to hurt you. I didn't even know it existed!"

"Fuck," James muttered, throwing an arm across his eyes. He didn't want to see the truth there, that he just wasn't enough for Logan. But who the hell could be? Logan hadn't gone anywhere without him except the movie, and if it wasn't Kendall and they were around the same people at the dance they were every single day...

He gasped, sitting up straight to stare into Logan's tortured brown eyes. "Carlos. Oh my god, it's Carlos." Again, the lack of a reply was his answer. _"Carlos?"_ It made no sense to James. Carlos wasn't even _hot._ Sure, he was handsome enough, but... _"Carlos?"_ It was all he was capable of saying.

"I can't explain it, James. I didn't plan for this. It was like...I don't know. I just don't know."

"Well can you try to explain it? Because I mean, he's a nice guy and all, and he's not ugly, but he's not like...sexy."

"See, but to me he is. I met him in a nerd costume, for heaven's sake, and the second our eyes met I was enthralled. I couldn't look away. It scared me so much."

A memory floated back to James, a moment in time that had scared him just as deeply when Kendall's green eyes locked onto his for the first time. He'd had to run from the room. "Oh, fuck. I know that feeling."

"You do?" Hope surged in Logan, then fled when he realized it was him James was talking about. "I'm sorry. I wish I could say that I felt that when we first met."

"Oh. No, babe, it's..." Embarrassed and ashamed now, James hung his head. "As long as we're being honest...it wasn't you."

Logan blinked a few times. "Oh? So I was right all along? About Lucy?"

"Jesus Christ, Logan, will you fucking stop with all this Lucy bullshit? I'm gay! Get over it, I was never into her! It's Kendall, okay? The first time I saw Kendall in the staff lounge, I felt that. It scared the fuck out of me, too!"

Though Logan said nothing right away, his mouth agape and eyes wide, thoughts strung together in rapid succession to connect all of the dots until every puzzle piece was in place. "Hold on. So that's why you don't want to be around him? That's why you hated him? Because you _wanted_ him?"

"I never _wanted_ to want him! Especially when you started dating him, it made me feel like a piece of shit for thinking of him like that! And you just wouldn't stop pushing us together, you kept forcing me to be in the same room with him! All I wanted was to run away but you made it impossible!"

Logan was still reeling. He got off his knees, enough to slide up onto the coffee table and use it as a support. "Are you telling me that when we started dating, you and me, that you had feelings for him?"

"Not like that. I mean...it was all physical. It was like you said, I couldn't stop thinking about him but that's also because of the guy I was talking to online, the whole thing was a mess and I was confused and didn't understand any of my feelings and...you were the one thing in my life that made sense. I loved you and I knew that but I never thought you could love me back."

"But James...if you had feelings for someone else, why would you date me? If you'd already felt what I'm feeling now...I didn't know any better. I didn't know I could feel like this. You did. Why wouldn't you pursue that instead of settling for me?"

"Because I love you." It seemed so simple to James. "I loved you almost from the moment we met. You take care of me and you put up with me and you love me and...why would I want anything else?"

Logan's voice was gentle when he responded. "Because I can't give you that feeling, which I now know is so necessary. That's why we're having this discussion. I tried to fight it. I convinced myself it was just a one-time thing, that I was temporarily out of my mind. Then I saw Carlos again today and...I mean, what happened with Kendall? Your feelings didn't just disappear, did they?"

"No," James sulked. "I wanted them to. I hate him for the way he makes me feel."

"You can't hate him for that," Logan chuckled. "It's not his fault."

"It is, though. Sometimes...sometimes he would push things because he knew."

Logan's gaze narrowed. "How did he know? Did you ever tell him how you feel?"

"Not exactly. The fucker just knows me. I hate that. And..."

Suddenly understanding that James had hidden a lot from him over the past three months, Logan prompted, "And?"

James couldn't meet his eyes. "He kissed me. We weren't dating yet, it was before all of that so I didn't cheat on you or anything!"

"Babe, it's okay, I'm not mad. Just be honest with me. He kissed you?"

"Once. Well, twice. He kind of...I wasn't expecting it either time."

"So...this isn't one-sided? Kendall's attracted to you, too?"

"He can barely keep his hands off me."

Logan couldn't help the amusement in his reply. "The fact that you're so smug when you say that. God, how did I miss this? It was right in front of my face."

"Well, apparently you were lusting over Carlos right in front of mine and I missed it. I thought I saw something today at lunch, but then decided it was just in my head."

"Yeah, um..." Logan pressed his hands to his face, willing it to cool down. "So...truth. Let's just...full truth. Get it all out in the open and go from there. Deal?"

"Deal. What are you hiding from me?"

After a hard swallow, Logan forged ahead. "He kissed me. And then today I kissed him. And...he gave me a handjob during lunch."

James' jaw dropped. "What?! During _lunch?_ What the fuck, Logan? _Where?"_

"In the auto shop."

"You won't even let me hold your hand on campus!"

"I know." Logan hid his face again. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm a horrible person."

"I can't even...the auto shop? A classroom? Anybody could've walked in!"

"I know. I've never done anything so reckless in my life. It was so stupid. I could've gotten fired."

James shook his head, shocked by his own reaction. "Is it completely inappropriate for me to say that I'm proud of you?"

This time it was Logan's jaw that dropped. "You're not mad?"

"I mean...a little? But mostly just...wow. I could never get you to that point. _Kendall_ couldn't even get you to that point, and he's the hottest fucking thing on Earth."

"Well, I think that says a lot right there. Is that all that happened between you two? A few kisses?"

"Yes," James replied emphatically. "I'm not a cheater. Unlike _some_ people."

"James, please, I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me."

"Did you come?"

Confusion scrunched up Logan's features. "What?"

"In the shop. Did you come?"

"Oh. Uh. Yeah. That's why I left school. I was..."

"A mess." James' lips twitched.

Logan punched James in the arm. "Shut up, it's not funny!"

"It's _so_ funny! Mr. Mitchell blew his load on school property. Oh my god, wait until Lucy hears about this."

"Lucy will not hear anything! I swear to God, I will ban all chocolate from this apartment if you tell anyone about this!"

The statement brought them back to the reality of the situation, sobering them both. Just how much longer would they share this apartment? "Anything else you need to tell me?" James asked softly.

"No. Except that...he feels the same way."

"Obviously, if he got you off."

"And Kendall? It was just the two kisses before we were dating?"

"Yeah. There was a lot of flirting before that. And...I've been talking to my online guy again the past few days."

"Oh. So...it's not just Kendall I have to worry about?"

James struggled with his answer, not wanting to hurt Logan. "The truth is, Kendall's not the one you should be worried about. I mean, I'm definitely attracted to him, and I think he wants something with me. But the other guy...he's the one I could see a future with. We've grown really close." Logan remained quiet until James finally asked, "What are you thinking?"

"I'm wondering if I should be mad at Kendall for making moves on my boyfriend."

"I wasn't your boyfriend yet!"

"But still, you said he wants you even now."

"He can want me all he wants. He's not getting me."

"So your feelings for him are done?"

"No, but...my feelings for Rush are stronger. And he um...he's made it clear that he wants what I want in life."

"Which is?"

James fixed Logan with a steady gaze. "Marriage. I want marriage."

"Oh." Logan bit his lip. "We've never talked about that."

"I know."

"It's...I don't jump into things like that lightly. Certainly not after only knowing someone for a year."

"I get it. With me, it's more like...when you know, you know and there's no reason to put it off."

"Yet you would've married me if I'd asked."

"Maybe." When Logan lifted a brow, James added, "Probably. But I do love you."

"I know you do, but do you see what we're doing here, James? What we've been doing for a year? We're providing each other safety and security, yet neither of us is truly living."

"I'm not unhappy, Logan. You make me happy."

"I did that as a friend, too. What really have we added to this since we started dating?"

"We moved in together. We have sex now."

"Barely. And...I know how much this is going to hurt and I'm sorry. I just...now that I know what it can be like, sex with you is never going to satisfy me. If you're completely honest with yourself, are you satisfied after sex with me?"

James wanted to say yes.

"Babe," Logan prompted. "Truth."

"Fine," James sighed. "Kendall made me want to come in a fucking restaurant bathroom without even touching me. I've had online sex with Rush that was more satisfying than anything we've ever done together."

Logan nodded slowly. "It makes me sad to know that. All this time I wasn't making you happy and—"

"But you were! You are!"

"Not where you really need it. James, you never woke up that craving in me. I don't do it for you. What are we doing here?"

"I thought we were living a good life together. Having someone to come home to every day, taking care of each other."

"Who says we can't do that while dating other people?"

"Oh please, we both know that won't last once we start dating someone else. I won't be number one anymore."

"I guess not eventually, but...is number two so bad?" James opened his mouth and Logan added, "If you make a poop joke right now I will smack you. Hard."

James cracked up before reaching out to drag Logan onto his lap. "This is what I'm talking about, you know me that well. Who else is ever going to?"

"Nobody, if you don't give someone else that chance. I know it's scary. With us, we knew it was going to last. We spent a year settling into the best thing that had happened to us up to that point."

"And I don't want to lose that," James argued.

"I don't either. I'm just saying that maybe what we like most about us is what we had before all the kissing and sex came into it. And no matter who we date, that part of us won't ever change."

James stared into Logan's eyes before kissing him softly. "I do like kissing you," he pointed out.

"I like it, too," Logan smiled. "It makes me feel warm. Safe."

"Yeah."

"But you know what? Your arms do the same thing for me. So does your voice. And the fact that I'm sitting on your lap and you aren't even hard says everything, babe. Are you telling me that if it was Kendall you'd have the same reaction?"

James looked down while admitting grudgingly, "I have to wear my jacket over my lap during the hockey games to hide it."

"See?" Logan gasped. "Oh, the things you have hidden from me. Wait, is that why you're always so horny on Saturdays? Because of the games?" James blushed, making Logan laugh. "You naughty boy."

"You knew that about me. You've always known that."

"I have," Logan agreed. "And that's my point. Us dating other people isn't going to change that. Nothing can. Boyfriends...as much as I don't like to think about it, they aren't guaranteed to last. We are. I think we do better as friends."

James hugged Logan to him. "I'm scared. What if I go for Rush and it doesn't work out? We've never even met, what if we try it and reality turns out to be so different from what we've built in our heads and I end up alone?"

"You won't be alone," Logan reminded him. "That's what I'm trying to tell you, I'm always going to be here for you. And you have Lucy."

"And I have Kendall."

"You know...he really would be a good friend to you. I've told you that for months now."

"I know. I didn't want to hear it."

"Of course now that I know he's in love with you, I understand why you kept your distance."

"That was more because of my feelings than his."

"It was mutual. He was just as adamant about not wanting to hang out with you. Knowing Kendall, I'm sure a lot of that was because he doesn't trust himself and feels guilty for wanting to be with my boyfriend."

James shrugged.

"Kendall would also make a fantastic boyfriend, you know. I speak from experience. I mean true, he never made out with me in a bathroom, but I think that's because I never wanted that."

"Well apparently you might now."

"Which is...it's insane. I can't believe the way I acted today. Carlos probably never wants to see me again."

"Oh, bullshit. He can't stop thinking about you. I bet he's sitting at home right now jerking off to the memory of your face when you come."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Not everyone is as sex-starved as you."

"Says the guy who got a handjob in a classroom."

"Okay, forget that already! It's never happening again! My point is that I'm embarrassed and don't know how to face him now."

"Just show up at his place."

"I can't do that. I don't even know where he lives."

"Lucy could tell you."

"No, that's not appropriate. And are you really giving me relationship advice when we're sitting here in the middle of a break-up?"

The realization shocked James. "I am. What does that mean?"

"That you want me to be happy. And you love me."

"I've never doubted that."

"I haven't either." Logan pressed a sweet kiss to James' lips, enjoying the feel of it. "Are you going to go for this Rush guy or do I have to force you into it?"

"Are you going to go for Carlos?"

"If he'll still have me. I don't even know what to say to him."

"How about... 'Hi, remember me? I blew my load in your classroom. Want to try a bed this time?'"

Logan smacked James' shoulder. "I hate you."

"Oh, but you love me, too."

"So much," Logan agreed. He leaned forward so that his head was on James' shoulder. "This is complicated. How can I love you but also love someone else?"

"I've been asking myself that for three months now."

"Do you love him?"

James closed his eyes, Logan warm in his embrace and on his lap and it should've been enough, but that longing was still there. He knew what it was. "Yeah."

"Let's not hold each other back anymore. Instead let's...I don't know. Hold each others' hands as we face a new tomorrow?"

"That was almost poetic. I might steal that for a song."

"Deal," Logan grinned, moving in for another kiss because now that he knew there would be no more, suddenly he wanted to hold onto it. "Would it be really horrible of me to ask you to just...kiss me for awhile?"

James blinked in surprise. "Really? Even though it's not the same as with Carlos?"

"Yes. Just one more night to...be together. Love me."

"Always," James whispered.

Their kisses were full of the passion they'd shared from the start, which wasn't the all-consuming lust they'd found elsewhere, but instead what they'd always provided each other—acceptance and safety. They treasured it, both knowing that when tomorrow came, everything would be different. Tomorrow they would face that new scary unknown, and they would do it together.

But for tonight, they'd cook dinner together and watch "Jeopardy!" before James obliterated Logan in a violent video game that for whatever reason brought him joy. Dessert would be chocolate pie followed by Logan attempting to catch up on lesson plans and grade homework. Maybe then James would figure out his next step.

He was terrified, but not as much as he would've been facing it alone. Because no matter what he did or where he went, Logan would be holding his hand. And it was enough.


	39. Chapter 39

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I'm so happy you guys liked the way it ended up between James and Logan. That was a tough scene to write because I really love their relationship so much and it hurt to break them up. But we all know they're not happy in the way they need to be, so...now it's on to a new chapter for each of them.

Thanks so much for the reviews! And for reading. :D

* * *

"Where you going?"

James looked back on his way out to the patio. Logan was comfortable on the sofa with piles of homework spread out before him. "Would you believe I'm going to call Kendall?"

Logan smiled. "I didn't even know you had his number."

"Lucy gave him mine today and he texted me. Apparently he's been worried about me."

The smile turned into a grin. "Sounds like Kendall. Are you _sure_ you don't want to go there?"

James blushed. "Honestly, it might be worth it for the sex alone. But...no. Rush is what I want. I'm just hoping that in person our attraction is as strong as it is online."

Logan nodded. "Well, if that doesn't work out, there's still Kendall, I guess. He's looking for...oh. Oh my god, how did I...?"

"What?"

"I'm so stupid. He talked about you at the movie and I didn't even realize it was you he was talking about."

James leaned against the open door frame. "What did he say?"

"Something about how he'd experienced that whole...craving thing. He said he'd met someone who made him feel it but that he couldn't go after the guy because the guy was in love with someone else. And he was worried that he'll never find it again."

"He said that?"

"Yeah. Oh, James. Now I feel horrible."

"Why?"

"Because you're going for someone else and he's so desperate to be with you. Just...be nice to him. Please."

"I'm going to," James promised. "He's been really great while I went through all of this. I uh...when I took off yesterday. I went to see him."

" _That's_ where you went?"

"Yeah. I knew he'd be having breakfast with Jennifer and Katie and I ended up there because...I don't know why. I just knew it was where I wanted to be."

Logan set down his red marker and stared earnestly across the room at James. "Are you _sure_ he's not the one for you?"

When James remembered his happy place and what it felt like to be there with Rush, he nodded. "I know what I need."

"Okay. Tell Kendall to call me if he needs me."

"Logan, I'm not going to be a dick."

"I know, but you're going to tell him we broke up, right? And that you're interested in someone else?"

James looked down.

"Exactly. So just...be gentle."

"I will," James said quietly. "I don't want to hurt him."

"He'll understand."

He would. Kendall was that kind of guy, extremely understanding and wanting those he cared about to be happy. James wasn't worried about any of that.

What worried him was the idea of getting closer to Kendall even in the guise of friendship and not being able to control his hormones.

Then again, Rush would satisfy him. Of that, James had no doubt.

* * *

Kendall had spent the entire afternoon and evening in an agony of wonder. Lucy had filled him in on everything, so he knew James and Logan were at a crossroads.

They'd been there before, though. A few times. And every single time James ran back to Logan.

This time would most likely be no different. Unless Carlos had made that huge of an impression on Logan, but Logan wasn't stupid. Anyone who would willingly walk away from James had to be the world's biggest idiot.

Of course _he'd_ walked away, so what did that say about him?

He couldn't stand this. He texted Lucy. Again.

" _Still nothing?"_

" _Kendall I will let you know the second I hear from him! You have to chill out."_

" _I'm sorry. I'm going crazy."_

" _Why not call?"_

" _Because I promised I wouldn't pressure him."_

" _So call Logan."_

" _They're probably fucking each other."_

" _I'm not going to answer you anymore. I promise that if I hear from either of them, I'll let you know. You have to give them time to work through this. Go for a walk or something."_

That wasn't a bad idea. Times like this, Kendall really missed having a rink he could visit and just whack the hell out of pucks. Maybe the janitor would let him in. It wasn't too late, was it?

 _Fuck it. I can't sit here and do nothing._ He had his phone in hand to call for a car when it rang. The name on the display sent his heart into overdrive.

 _James Diamond_

"Oh god. Oh my god oh my god." Now that it was happening, Kendall was afraid to answer. What if James said he and Logan had gotten engaged? What if they'd run off and eloped and that's why they hadn't contacted anybody since school?

 _Stop it. Logan wouldn't do something crazy like that. Sit down and talk to the man. Be his friend._

Kendall fell into a chair at the kitchen table—the same one, in fact, that he used when he was talking to King sometimes.

 _Please God don't take King from me. James never has to know it's me, just don't take King from me._

"Hello?"

"Hey."

That smartass voice was softer and gentler than he'd ever heard it. Kendall wanted to hold him. "You okay?"

"I'm..." James hesitated, then admitted, "I don't know how to answer that."

"Where are you?"

"Home. Out back."

"And Logan?"

"He's inside. Grading homework. I just wanted to let you know I'm okay. Lucy told me you're worried about me."

He was going to kill her. "I wouldn't say _worried._ More like...concerned."

"Sure, just keep shoveling that bullshit my way. Maybe one day I'll believe it."

"Well, you were fucking crying all over me at lunch! Forgive me for caring about a friend." When James said nothing, Kendall realized his mistake. "Sorry. I guess we're not exactly friends. But I'd like to be."

"You've made that clear."

"And you've made it clear that's not an option."

"It's just...if we're friends, I need to know I can trust you."

"You can trust me with anything."

"Even to keep your hands off me?"

Kendall closed his eyes, his heart squeezing. James _had_ run back to Logan. "I've managed it for three months, haven't I?"

"Barely. You said yourself you miss me. And Lucy told me you have... _feelings_ for me."

"I told you that myself. But I can respect that you're in love with Logan."

"Kendall...it's not about Logan."

"No?"

"No. We...today was crazy. We talked about things and...we decided to just be friends."

Hope, which had lain dormant and shriveled in a corner of Kendall's heart, began to bloom. "You broke up?"

"Yeah. He's...well, did he tell you anything about...shit, I don't want to say if he hasn't."

"Um. He called me when you guys had a fight yesterday and mentioned..."

"Mentioned what?"

"Well, I don't want to say anything to you if he hasn't."

"Hang on."

Kendall heard muffled noises, as if James had his hand over the tiny mic, but he was able to pick up the word he was hoping to hear. _Carlos._

"Okay, sorry, I just had to make sure you knew about the Carlos thing before I spilled."

"So that's why you two broke up? Because he's having some sort of feelings for Carlos?"

"Yeah. And it's not just a few random feelings, it's that...well. That desperate thing. You know what it's like."

It was the restaurant bathroom all over again. "Oh, fuck. Don't make me think about that because I'm dying for it." No need to be shy about that now, right? James was a free agent. He could do what he wanted.

"Oh god, that's what I'm talking about. That's what you have to keep under control."

Okay. So James was still off limits. Well, it was still better than him running back to Logan. And the obvious lust in James' voice was a welcome sound. "I understand. I won't pressure you at all. I'm happy to just be your friend, if that's all you're willing to offer."

"Kendall..."

Every time James started a sentence like that, Kendall's heart skipped a beat; it could go either way.

"It isn't that I'm not attracted to you."

"I'm aware."

"And it isn't anything you've done wrong."

"I did attack you in a bathroom."

"Please, I wanted that as badly as you did."

Kendall grinned. "It's nice to hear you finally admit it."

"Then I'll also admit that the flirting drives me insane and makes me want to drop my pants and bend over the nearest flat surface."

"Oh god," Kendall whined, his hand drifting to the bulge that was silhouetted against his boxers. "You can't tease me like that and then tell me to keep it under control."

"I know. I'm sorry. I was just letting you know that it's nothing against you and that if things were different, maybe..."

"Don't finish that sentence. Just shoot me down right now so I can close the door on that part of me that wants to own you."

"Kendall, stop." It was a desperate plea, voice hushed as if James was fighting with everything in him to resist. "I'm sorry. It's not gonna happen."

"Fine, but tell me why."

"Because there's someone else who deserves that chance first. He's put time and effort into me and he cares about me and he loves me and...I love him, too. I'm sorry."

The hope in Kendall's heart did more than bloom—it flourished. "Who?"

"Doesn't matter. Let's just say that Logan isn't the only one who's been fighting feelings for someone else."

Kendall swallowed. "Go for it."

"Really? You're telling me that even though you want me?"

"Absolutely. Take that leap and keep running."

"I'm kind of scared, though. What if he's all talk? I've never actually met him in person, what if he isn't what he says he is or doesn't really want to be with me? Or has a thousand other guys he talks to?"

There was so much Kendall wanted to tell James, but he knew this wasn't the time. James was already overwhelmed with everything. Instead he asked James a question of his own. "What if he doesn't?"

"What?"

"What if he doesn't have a thousand other guys? What if he is what he says he is and really wants to be with you? What if he's everything you've ever dreamed of and you don't take this chance?"

"I'll hate myself forever."

"Exactly. Go for it, James. Everything you've ever wanted could be yours right now." He could hear James' shallow breathing over the line. It reminded him of the night they'd listened to each other over the phone, both sharing their passion without restraint. He _needed_ that in person. It took every ounce of willpower to not add on a begging "Please."

"Okay."

Could it really be that simple? "Okay?"

"Okay. I'll do it. I'll take that leap. But I swear to God if you're wrong about him, I'll torture you for the rest of your life."

Both options sounded like Heaven to Kendall. He couldn't stop grinning. "I'll take it."

"Have I ever told you that your voice sounds like sex on the phone?"

A laugh of pure delight erupted. "Remind me to call you every night."

"It makes me want to yank it until I explode. Come _everywhere."_

A desperate sound was Kendall's response.

"That was just a taste, Kendall."

"Of what?"

"Of the torture I'm gonna bring if you're wrong about this."

"Fuck," Kendall muttered, squirming because he was now throbbing. "Go talk to him," he ordered hoarsely.

"I'm gonna wait until Logan's in bed."

That sobered Kendall up a tad. "So...what happens to you guys? Are you still gonna live together?"

"Yeah. We talked it over during dinner. It's gonna be like it was before, which is basically what it is now. Only no sex and no kissing. He doesn't know if it's gonna work out with Carlos, and I don't know if it'll work out with my guy, so...for now, this is perfect. And you know him, he isn't the type to take things fast anyway, so who knows how long it'll be before they're serious. Then again, he did let Carlos give him a handjob in the auto shop today, so..."

"He _what?!"_

"Oh, I thought he might've told you about that. Make sure to tease him for it. Repeatedly."

"Count on it," Kendall laughed. "Is it weird that I'm proud of him?"

"Not at all," James chuckled. "I'm gonna go now. Thanks for being a good friend to me."

"I'll always be that. No matter what."

"Hey, uh...it doesn't have to be just one-sided. I know I'm not the smartest guy or the nicest, but if you ever need to talk to someone and Logan isn't around, I'm here."

Kendall's heart warmed. "I'll remember that. Bye, hot stuff."

"What did you just call me?"

"You heard me. See you tomorrow."

Kendall clicked off the call with a satisfied grin. Let James ponder over _that_ for awhile. There had only been one other person to call him that. Would James put two and two together or would Kendall have to spell it out for him?

His phone buzzed, Kendall looking down to see a reply in the chat program. He hadn't opened it since the night before, when he'd sent that reckless proposal to James and then heard nothing back. He hadn't expected to, though. Lucy's comments from earlier were enough to tell Kendall that the words had affected James deeply.

Now there was only one word, and it was the answer to all of Kendall's prayers.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Yes.

* * *

 **Rusherone:** Don't say things like that if you don't mean it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Who says I don't?

 **Rusherone:** Oh, there you are. You can't send a message like that and then disappear for an hour!

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sorry. Had to wait until I was alone.

 **Rusherone:** And you are now?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sort of. He's gone to bed, needs his full eight hours of sleep or he's cranky. Sometimes he's like an old man. I find it adorable.

 **Rusherone:** It is. So you're speaking to me?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I want to meet you. For real.

 **Rusherone:** Name the time and place.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Really? Just like that?

 **Rusherone:** Hell yeah. Time and place.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** We broke up today. You were right, I was lying to myself. I feel like maybe it would be good for me to take some time to myself, but then I don't want to take a chance of you moving on.

 **Rusherone:** I'll wait. As long as you need me to, I'll wait.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** That's not fair to you.

 **Rusherone:** You're worth it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** How can you say that? You don't even know me.

 **Rusherone:** I know you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** So that whole...all that shit you said last night. Did you mean any of it?

 **Rusherone:** I meant all of it.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Even the last part?

 **Rusherone:** ALL of it. I'm not going to pressure you, though. I mean it, I'll wait until you're ready.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** For what, exactly?

 **Rusherone:** For whatever you can give me. All I ask is that when you take that step with me, you take it. No casual dating, no weighing other options. You want me? You get all of me. But I expect the same from you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I love the way you talk to me. It gets me hot.

 **Rusherone:** We've known that almost from day one.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Keep talking.

 **Rusherone:** I'd rather do it in person.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** It's too late right now.

 **Rusherone:** Tomorrow then. Tell me where.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Tell me when. I'm free anytime after three.

 **Rusherone:** I'm yours after five.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Ever heard of the Breakfast Spot?

 **Rusherone:** I know it well. I think that's the perfect place for us to meet.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't know if they stay open for dinner, though.

 **Rusherone:** They're open until six. I've looked into it before.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** How long does it take you to get there? That won't leave us a lot of time to talk.

 **Rusherone:** We'll meet up there and find another place to talk if we have to. Somehow I don't think talk is going to be the priority, though.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Oh god. There you go again, flipping that switch.

 **Rusherone:** 5:30. The Breakfast Spot.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I'll be there. I'm scared.

 **Rusherone:** Don't be. I promise you're safe with me.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What if you hate me in person?

 **Rusherone:** Not gonna happen.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** What if I hate you?

 **Rusherone:** Well...that might happen. But I think we'll be okay. ;)

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Look. I'm really scared this could end up ruining what we have and before that happens, I just want to tell you that I love you. I don't know if we'll still feel that way after meeting, but right now I love you and you're the main reason I had the courage to not beg him to stay with me.

 **Rusherone:** I love you, too. I want this to be real. Let's make our happy place a real place we can go and hold each other.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And the sex, too? I know I always say I care about more than that, but I've discovered that I really need the sex.

 **Rusherone:** Oh, trust me. Sex won't be an issue between us. I'll fuck you all night long if that's what you need.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** And then when it's over?

 **Rusherone:** I'll kiss you. Tell you how much I love you. Not let you go until morning.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** When I wake you up with a long, luscious blowjob.

 **Rusherone:** Fuck yes. 5:30. Don't be late or I might punish you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I might have to show up at 5:31.

 **Rusherone:** I dare you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Wait, how will I know what you look like?

 **Rusherone:** I'll find you.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** But how?

 **Rusherone:** Easy. You'll be the prettiest guy in the room.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You're amazing.

 **Rusherone:** You have no idea.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Goodnight. I love you.

Filled with hope and peace, Kendall answered with a heart. James did the same.


	40. Chapter 40

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Thank you so much for reading! :)

* * *

Logan knew it when James stepped into the kitchen by his sense of smell alone. It was that fresh-from-the-shower scent that always soothed Logan, a mixture of conditioner and deodorant, but today there was the added bonus of some sort of setting spray (though Logan didn't even know what that was) and...

"Are you wearing cologne?"

He spun around to take in the sight of his ex-boyfriend groomed as if he was about to take the "National Pop Star" stage.

"Wow, you look..."

James' nose scrunched up. "Okay? I went for a little extra with my hair, does it look like...too much?"

"You look incredible. Is this all for...?"

"Yeah." James took a deep breath and just said it. "I'm meeting him tonight. Not until after five, but I'm going straight there from school so I needed to get ready now. Is this shirt okay? I couldn't decide between this one and the dark green."

"I like you in green, but I think gray gives you this...I don't know. A softer look, if that makes sense?"

"It does," James nodded. He smiled. "This is perfect, then." Finally noticing what sat on the counter behind Logan, he asked, "Chocolate _and_ banana nut muffins? Jesus, Logan, how long have you been up?"

"Hours," Logan admitted, turning back to the freshly-baked muffins with a sigh. "I couldn't sleep. I'm so nervous."

James stepped up behind him and wrapped his arms around Logan in a tight hug. "It's gonna be fine. He likes you. Though I have to admit, chocolate's a great bribe."

"I just...I feel horrible about what I did yesterday. What was I thinking?"

"You weren't. And for you, that's progress. I promise, dude, he can't stop thinking about it. He's probably dying to see you again."

"Yeah, to tell me I'm a freak." Logan started transferring muffins from a pan into a plastic container.

"Stop it. I'm telling you, he fell asleep last night reliving it. Probably with his eyes closed and his hand yanking it."

Logan shoved James away, but there was a tiny smile at his lips. "Sit down and I'll bring you breakfast."

"Thanks, babe."

Five minutes later a perfectly-doctored mug of coffee was set down next to a plate of chocolate muffins that James had already begun to devour. Logan settled into the seat across from him with a muffin of his own. "So you talked to him last night?"

"Yeah. I was kind of surprised at how willing he was to meet me. I mean, there was no hesitation. I said I want to meet up, he said name the time and place. Like he'd been waiting for it."

"Maybe he has. Maybe he's wanted this from the start."

"No, at the beginning we both wanted to remain anonymous. It wasn't just me. He has a lot to lose if he comes out, too."

"So are you going to date in secret?"

"I don't know. I just don't know what to expect or what he wants."

"I thought you said you both wanted the same thing."

"In a boyfriend, sure. There's a level of devotion and security that we both need. But as far as sharing that with the rest of the world...we haven't talked about it. I just...I'm so scared we'll meet and the chemistry won't be there. That all of it's either in my head or he won't like the way I look or..."

"James." When James said nothing and continued to stare down at the table, Logan added, "Look at me." Finally James did. "He's going to love you. You told me once that you opened up to him completely, that you share everything with him and hide nothing. Right?"

"Yeah."

"Then he knows you. The looks thing...well, trust me when I say you've got nothing to worry about there, but even so, that's not what matters. I mean, like I said. Carlos was dressed as a total nerd and I still found him the hottest thing I've ever seen. No offense."

"None taken," James chuckled. "I know what you mean."

"It's not always about looks. It's about that connection. And if you two have it online, I can only imagine it's ten times as powerful in person."

"I hope so. If it's even half as much as what I feel every time I look at Kendall, I'd be satisfied."

Logan smiled and finished the last bite of his banana muffin. "You about ready to go?"

"Yeah. I need to practice some songs for the concert so I'm just gonna head over to the choir room instead of walking you to class, if that's okay."

"Of course it's okay. I need to go bribe Carlos with muffins anyway."

James grinned. "Take chocolate."

"I'm taking both, just in case."

When Logan stood to clean up their dishes, James joined him at the sink and rinsed out their mugs. "I wasn't thinking when I made the date last night. I forgot about choir practice. I was thinking about maybe seeing if Rush would mind postponing it all until next week."

"Oh, no. You're not chickening out."

"No, it's not that, but Thomas is counting on me to be there today and I feel like an ass just taking off early. The concert's two days away!"

"They'll manage without you."

"I'm the piano player! I have to be there!"

"James." Logan shut off the faucet and wiped his hands on a towel before taking both of James' hands in his so they could look at each other. "I know you're scared. I get it, I'm terrified to even show my face in that auto shop today. But we have to do this. We have to see this through."

"It's not just that, Logan. Rush said he'd wait for me as long as I need him to, so I'm sure next week would be fine. Those kids...I know I'm not a real teacher or anything but those kids count on me. Some of them even look up to me. It's dumb, but...I care. They're _my_ kids. I owe this to them."

"It's not dumb," Logan promised. "I understand completely. What time is practice over?"

"Supposed to be five, but it might run over."

"And what time are you meeting Rush?"

"5:30."

"Then just tell Thomas you have to leave on time. Make sure he knows that tomorrow you'll stay as long as they need you, but today you can't go past five. He'll be fine with it, James."

James sighed. Logan's logic always squashed his feeble arguments.

A brief kiss was pressed to James' lips. "He's going to fall in love with you."

"We're not supposed to do that anymore," James reminded him.

Logan shrugged. "Call that a goodbye kiss."

A devilish gleam entered James' eye. He smirked before dipping Logan back halfway to the floor and kissing the hell out of him. When they straightened again, both were out of breath.

"What the hell, James?"

He sauntered out of the kitchen with a wink back over his shoulder. _"That's_ a goodbye kiss."

All Logan could do was laugh.

* * *

"You thinking of coming over to the dark side, Mr. Mitchell?"

Startled, Logan straightened so fast he almost bumped his head on the hood of the Skyliner. His face was red when he turned to greet Carlos, whose hair had that almost-dry look that told Logan he'd showered just before leaving the house. Logan would be willing to bet he'd have that deodorant/aftershave scent about him as well, the one that drove Logan wild. And probably no 'Cuda for him; Carlos was most likely an Old Spice man like his father had been.

He'd worry about why he found that so attractive another day.

"I hope it's okay that I'm here."

"It's fine," Carlos smiled, but his arms were crossed over his chest and Logan noticed that he wasn't coming any closer. He didn't trust himself.

 _Or maybe he doesn't trust me._

The thought was sobering. Logan held out a large sealed plastic baggie full of muffins. "I brought you a peace offering."

"A peace offering? Are we fighting?"

"I don't know, things got weird yesterday and...I just didn't want it to change anything."

"Kind of hard for that not to change anything."

"I know." Logan's face flamed. This had been a mistake. He set the muffins down on the car's roof, letting his hand run over the smooth leather of the interior one last time before saying a mental goodbye to the most beautiful car he'd ever laid eyes on. "If you don't want to sit with us at lunch, I understand. And I'm sorry I made things awkward for you."

Logan was almost past Carlos when a hand shot out to grab his wrist. He froze, his body in chaos; half of him trembled from the fear that he'd never see Carlos again, the other because even that touch sent him into a frenzy of need.

"It's not that I didn't like it. I liked it too much. So much that I can't look at you without wanting to do it again."

Logan licked his lips. His heart felt like it might shatter his rib cage. He leaned in close enough to whisper into Carlos' ear. "Let me cook you dinner tonight and maybe we can."

As if burned, Carlos dropped Logan's forearm and backed away. "I'm not getting involved with someone who's taken."

Oh. Maybe he should've started with that vital piece of information. Logan cleared his throat. "I'm not. We ended things last night. We do better as friends than lovers."

There it was, that hope Carlos was afraid to unleash in case he'd heard wrong. "You guys broke up?"

Logan nodded.

"Is it because of me?"

"Partly," Logan admitted. "You kind of...turned my entire world upside down."

"That's how I feel. Like I can't think about anything else." Carlos bit his lip anxiously. "Does he hate me?"

"No," Logan smiled. "Because the other part of why we broke up is that he's in love with someone else, too." Seeing that maybe a declaration of love had been too much, Logan amended, "Not that we're in love. I mean, we hardly know each other. But...I think we might get there one day. I'd like to try and find out."

"Well, I'm definitely in love with your smile," Carlos shared. "And your eyes. The way they change when you're turned on."

 _The way they're about to if you keep talking like that._ How did Carlos do this to him with just words? "I'd say that's a good first step. Will you have dinner with me?"

The length of time that passed before Carlos answered had Logan wanting to pull his hair out in agony. "Will you come to the car show with me Friday?"

Logan gave a fast nod. "It's a date."

Carlos finally closed the distance between them, looking back toward the classroom entrance before kissing Logan softly. Logan shivered from the promise behind that simple kiss. "Then so is tonight. What time?"

"Six okay?"

"Just tell me where."

The bell rang at the same time Logan's face lit up with a grin of excitement. "I'll text you the address."

"You don't have my number."

Logan stepped away just in time.

"Morning, Mr. Garcia!"

"Hey, Brent!"

Quietly, Logan stated, "I'll get your number from Lucy."

"Perfect. See you at lunch?"

"It's a date," he winked.

As Logan rushed toward the door, he heard Carlos call out to the students filing in. "Banana nut muffins for the students who get the answers right on today's quiz!"

"I see chocolate in there, too, Mr. Garcia!" was yelled.

"Those are for _me,"_ Carlos informed them.

Logan smiled all the way to the math building.

* * *

"Damn, someone's on fire today. You look good enough to eat. Or at least suck on. For hours."

James shivered, fingers gripping the lip of the table tight as he fought off the lust that hit him from the whisper in his ear. He couldn't see who it was, but he didn't have to. "Kendall, that's not funny," he warned through gritted teeth.

Kendall seemed to find it amusing enough, though, as he fell into the chair next to James. "It's the truth."

"That's Logan's chair."

"You guys aren't a thing anymore. I can sit where I want."

"He's bringing my food."

"And he can pass it over to you just as easily as he passes it to me when I sit over there." Kendall scooted his chair a little closer. "Mmm, you smell _so_ good."

"What are you doing? I told you I'm into someone else."

"So we can't sit next to each other?" He leaned closer and said quietly, "Because honestly, James, if you can't even sit next to me without wanting to hop onto my dick, maybe that should tell you something."

James gasped as if deeply offended, then smacked Kendall's arm. "You're an asshole."

"Yet you love me."

"Nope. Not you."

Kendall said nothing to that, just smirked in that way that annoyed James.

"Where's Lucy?"

"She had an emergency with a student. She won't be joining us today."

"Damn," James sighed. "I'm nervous and needed advice."

"I'm sitting right here."

"I don't trust your advice. At least not in your current mood. What's got you so wound up, anyway?"

Kendall grinned and pulled a sandwich out of his lunch bag. _"I_ happen to have a date tonight."

"Oh. Good for you."

"Like you're not sitting over there getting jealous."

"What? Kendall, you are so...you know what? I'm not doing this with you. Where the hell are Logan and Carlos?"

"If I had to guess..."

That brought a laugh out of James. "I still can't believe that."

"Right? He wouldn't even let me kiss him in the equipment room."

"He wouldn't even hold my hand."

"Which is better for you around here, I guess."

"I guess."

A banana landed on the table in front of James. "Here. Have a _banana_ while you wait."

James stared down at the long yellow fruit, suddenly breathless.

 _I don't know about you, but a sundae isn't complete to me without a nice big banana._

He couldn't eat this in front of Kendall. The man was taunting him, as if he somehow knew what that represented in James' mind. Why was he being such a shit today?

"I'll suffer, thanks." Now was not the time to be thinking of sex with Rush.

"Your loss," Kendall shrugged, biting a large chunk out of the corner of his sandwich. "So why are you sexier than usual today?"

" _I_ have a date, too."

"Yeah?"

"Yep."

"So you're doing it."

"I'm totally doing it."

"Excited?"

"Terrified," James admitted.

"No need to be. It's gonna be fantastic."

"I still just don't know what to expect. I don't even know what he looks like. He didn't tell me."

"Hopefully he's not hideous."

"Thanks, that makes me feel so much better." James glanced up when Logan and Carlos arrived. "Hey."

"Where's Lucy?" Logan asked.

"Emergency with a student," Kendall supplied. "Carlos. Glad you could join us. Sorry I missed you yesterday."

"It's okay. We didn't stay the entire time anyway."

When both Kendall and James smirked, Logan warned them with a hard glare. They wisely kept their thoughts to themselves.

"James, what time do you think you'll be home tonight?"

"I have no idea. If I knew what to expect..."

"Yeah. I know."

"Do I need to be gone?"

Carlos suddenly couldn't meet James' eyes. Logan reached over to squeeze his thigh in a reassuring gesture. "I invited Carlos over for dinner. I figured it would be fine since you were going out."

"Oh. It's totally fine, I just...I don't know how this is gonna go."

Kendall nudged James with his elbow. "You should plan on being out all night."

James silently thanked Logan for the sandwich and fruit cup he passed over. "Don't you think that's a bit presumptuous? It's a first date and with a guy I've never even met."

"Like he's gonna take one look at you and _not_ want to take you home?"

James' mouth moved without words. It was one thing for Kendall to flirt with him, but to do it in front of others and so blatantly? He saw Carlos lean over and whisper something to Logan, who shook his head. "You'll have to excuse the asshole over here. He's in a mood today."

"I'm happy," Kendall grinned, eyes twinkling. "Today is a very good day."

"He's got a date tonight," James explained.

"Not just any date. The man of my dreams."

James rolled his eyes, but Carlos offered him a smile. "That's great, dude! I'm sure it'll go well."

"Me, too. My guy's incredible."

"So is mine," James pointed out, as if that had anything to do with the conversation.

Kendall set down the napkin he'd been using to wipe his mouth and turned in the chair to face James. "My guy's funny."

James forked up a grape from his cup. "My guy's noble."

"My guy's hot."

"My guy's smoking."

"My guy's—"

"Do we really have to do this?" Logan interrupted. "Why is everything between you two a challenge or a contest? Can't you just get along?"

Kendall smirked over at Logan before returning his attention to James. "My guy knows how to get me off with words alone."

Logan waved a hand at them in dismissal. "I give up. Carlos, I'm sorry, just tune them out. They won't stop until one backs down. Tell me more about your uncle, since I'm going to meet him. He knows you're gay, right?"

The other two paid them no mind. Now James was turned in his own chair to face Kendall, shifting closer so as to not be overheard. "My guy likes it up against the wall."

"My guy lets me pound him into the ground."

"My guy fucks me all night long."

"My guy begs for more even after he comes."

James' breathing was shallow. "My guy makes sure I know I belong to him."

Kendall made a strangled noise. "My guy lets me hold him when it's over."

James licked his lips. "My guy kisses me like he never wants to stop."

"My guy's in love with me."

James' voice was a whisper in Kendall's ear. "My guy asked me to marry him."

Kendall's breathing hitched. "My guy...said yes."

Another whisper came in, this one from behind. "Do you guys need my car again?"

Kendall and James both jumped, James' temple knocking into Lucy's nose. "Shit. Sorry!"

"Ow." She rubbed it but was smirking when her hand fell away. "You guys need to dial it down unless you're ready to come out. Which we'd of course all highly approve of." Raising her voice, she greeted Logan and Carlos before taking the seat between James and Logan.

"How's your student?" Logan immediately wanted to know.

"She'll be okay. Had a run-in with some bullies, who have all been identified and suspended. I'm so tired of dealing with that crap. Can't kids just be nice?"

"Most adults can't even be nice," Carlos pointed out. "But it's horrible, some of the stuff I see. I make sure my students all know they can come talk to me about anything."

"That's nice," Logan smiled. "I never even think about things like that with the kids. For me it's all about the math."

Kendall broke open a pudding cup and nodded. "I'm the same as Carlos. Probably why my boys pulled it together so fast, because I made it clear we're a family and it's important to support each other." He dipped his spoon into the chocolate and offered it to James, who was surprised but accepted. Kendall couldn't take his eyes off James' lips as they slid across the spoon.

Logan shrugged. "I guess I just never considered myself someone who would give good advice."

"Are you kidding?" James asked. He accepted another bite of pudding before adding, "You give the best advice. Why do you think we became such good friends? I know you're always there for me."

"Okay, but these are kids who look up to us for guidance. What if I screw one up?"

"You won't," Lucy promised. "And if you ever see a kid who needs help and don't know what to say, send them my way. I know you don't exactly approve of me but—"

"That's not true," Logan argued. "I think you're wonderful. A little rough around the edges, but you've proven yourself a great friend to Kendall and James. And when I needed advice yesterday, you...steered me in the right direction."

Carlos' lips turned up. "So I have you to thank for that?"

"You do," Lucy confirmed. "And you're welcome." Noting that James had peeled the banana and was holding it out to Kendall, who slid his mouth halfway down it while they locked gazes, she slapped her hand down on the table. "Do you two _want_ to get fired?" she hissed.

"What?" Kendall said in an annoyed tone. "I'm just eating my lunch."

She slid her car keys across the table. "Make sure I get those back before I go home today."

James shook his head. "No, it's not like that. Kendall's just...in a mood today. I'm gonna go anyway, I need to practice for the concert more before next period."

Kendall stood up with him. "Can I walk you to class?"

Surprised by the offer, James initially said no. Then he thought it over and changed his mind. "Yeah. We need to talk." He looked over at Logan, uncertainty rising in his eyes. "See you...whenever?"

Logan nodded. "Let me know how it goes. Carlos won't mind if you call."

"Not at all," Carlos agreed. "Call if you need us."

"Thanks. Lucy..."

"Call if you need me, too. Jo's hanging out tonight but we're just gonna watch a show. At least until...don't call after ten."

"Understood," James chuckled. He glanced over at Kendall, who was waiting patiently with a warm look in his eyes. "After you."

The other three were silent as they watched James and Kendall make their way through the tables. Kendall held the door for James, then settled a hand on his shoulder before following him out.

Logan let out a deep sigh. "I'm worried that James is making a mistake."

"What kind of mistake?" Carlos wanted to know.

"You asked me earlier if Kendall was the one James was in love with?"

"You said no."

"Right. Because tonight he's meeting another guy he's been talking to. But it's obvious Kendall is head over heels for him, and I mean...you saw them just now. James can fight it all he wants, but I think he likes Kendall just as much."

Carlos nodded slowly. "I told you, didn't I? I saw it at the dance."

"Oh my god. You did. How did I miss it?" A sudden thought occurred to him. "Lucy. Did you know this? That they were into each other all this time?"

Lucy picked at her salad, keeping her eyes on that. "Can't talk about it."

"You did! Why didn't you say something? Maybe if we'd broken up sooner, James would've gone for Kendall instead of this Rush guy."

"Not my place. Like I told Kendall, you guys had to come to that realization on your own."

"That we weren't meant for each other?"

She nodded, chewing through a huge chunk of lettuce.

"So he wanted to break us up?"

"No, of course not. I mean...not until he knew that James was unhappy with you. He was the one who got you guys together in the first place."

Logan frowned. "By breaking up with me, you mean?"

"Yeah, and by..." She almost bit her tongue clamping her mouth closed hard. "So, Carlos, looks like I was right about you finding a nice guy here, right?"

Logan and Carlos exchanged a look. "Lucy, what aren't you telling me?"

She tried to ignore Logan's question by sipping at her soda, but when they were still staring her down after she caved. "Okay, okay, I'm dying to tell someone and James is gonna know in a matter of hours anyway. But Logan, you can't tell him! And you can't either, Carlos!"

"Tell him what?!"

Lucy leaned in closer, causing them both to do the same. "So. Remember the day you and James got together? Or...wait, no. The day before that. When Kendall dumped you."

"Of course I do."

"And remember how that Rush guy dumped James? The same day?"

"Yes. It was...I always felt like the timing on that was perfect."

"There was a reason for that, Logan. Rush broke up with James because he found out who James is."

Logan gasped softly. "Oh, no. That was James' fear, that he'd be judged for the Pop Star thing."

"That wasn't the issue. He broke up with both of you because he knew you were in love with each other and didn't want to keep you apart."

Creases of confusion spread across Logan's forehead. "What? Who?"

Carlos nudged Logan's arm. "And you call yourself a genius. Kendall is Rush, right?"

"Totally!" Lucy exclaimed, her face full of joy. "I've been dying to tell someone for months!"

Logan's reaction wasn't quite as effusive. He sat in silence absorbing it, casting back in his mind over the past three months. It _fit._ "Oh my god. And James has no idea?"

"No. Obviously Kendall does, and that's why he's in a such a good mood today. He can finally tell James. I think it's gonna backfire and that James will be pissed, but Kendall's not worried about it at all. He says James is going to love him no matter what."

Logan thought that over before commenting. "He's right. James will be furious, but once he calms down I think it's going to make him feel better. Because I think the confusion over his feelings for Kendall when he wants to be with Rush is making him crazy."

"I know! It's almost funny, right?"

Carlos started laughing so hard the other two looked at him in question. "I just realized. They were sitting here fighting over whose guy was better. They were talking about each other!"

"Oh god," Logan groaned. "And Kendall knew the whole time. What an absolute shit."

"It's funny, Logan," Carlos snickered. "You have to admit."

"Is that what they were whispering about when I walked in?" Lucy wondered. "It looked like they were about to devour each other."

Logan shook his head. "I don't get them. They're both so scared to come out, but they sit here in the staff room and practically make out without even touching."

"I don't think they can help themselves. Both of them are so into that whole...possession thing."

"Possession thing?" Carlos echoed.

Logan's head tilted as he studied Carlos. "I never understood it before. I think I'm starting to."

Lucy reached out to grab her keys, then slid them their way. "Lock up when you leave."

"Shut up, we don't need your car!" Logan spluttered.

"That's right," Carlos agreed as he pushed the chair back and stood up. "We've got mine."

Logan hissed, "Carlos, we are not making out on school property!"

Carlos winked at Lucy. "Isn't he cute when he protests?"

Lucy laughed. Carlos was exactly what Logan needed in his life. James had tried, but James was also so afraid to lose Logan that he held back. Carlos had no such fears.

He _knew_ Logan wanted him.

* * *

Kendall's hand on his shoulder as they walked across campus made James feel as if everyone was staring, but he couldn't bring himself to move away. It felt...comforting. Safe. _Possessive._

 _But that's wrong. He doesn't own me. Rush does._

"Listen, Kendall...this is hard to say."

"Just say it. Don't ever hold back with me, tell me what's on your mind."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"If you do, we'll get through it. It's not like I'm going to walk away just because I'm hurt."

"But see...there's nothing to walk away from. I told you last night, there's someone else. And I'm sorry, I know how you feel about me but I'm loyal when I'm with someone. I don't cheat. I don't screw around. The flirting back there...that needs to stop."

Kendall offered him a soft smile. "Even though you love it so much?"

"Mostly _because_ I love it so much. I can't risk losing this guy before I even have him. Do you understand?"

"I do," Kendall nodded. "I love that about you. When you're with someone, you're _with_ him."

"Exactly. He even said something like that last night. I can't...as great as you are, it's him I want to be with."

"I understand." Kendall reached out to grab the door for James, then followed him into the building.

"Don't you have to get to class?"

"We've still got some time. And my kids have to suit up for P.E. anyway. I was hoping you might play for me."

That stopped James' movement. He halted just outside the choir room. "Really?"

"Yeah. I've never heard you play. I'd like to."

James' face fell, sorrow shining in his eyes. "I'm sorry I can't be what you need."

Rather than reply to that, Kendall gestured toward the door with his head. "Go on in. Play for me."

Thomas was leaving just as they walked in. "Oh! You're here."

"Yeah, I thought I'd get a little practice in before we rehearse. And again, I'm sorry about tonight."

"Don't worry about it, we should be wrapping up by five anyway. Have fun tonight. Ah, Kendall, I haven't had a chance yet to congratulate you on the win. I hear we're going to state!"

"We are," Kendall grinned. "Thanks. My boys really hustled for this."

"They were phenomenal," James agreed. "Logan and I are heading out to the championship game this weekend, if you wanted to join us."

"I'd love to but the wife is dragging me to her sister's for the weekend. Best of luck, though."

"Thanks."

"I haven't had a chance to eat yet, so I'm taking the last ten minutes to run to the cafeteria. You've got the place to yourself, James."

"Awesome. See you in a few."

Once the door closed behind Thomas, Kendall ran his hands up James' back to settle on his shoulders. "The whole place to ourselves, hmm?" he hummed.

"Did we not just have a conversation about the fact that I don't belong to you?"

James' words were stilted, though, as if he was having trouble getting them past his teeth. Kendall slid his hands down James' arms to twine their fingers together. "Play for me," he whispered.

James silently followed the command. He moved into place on the bench, a bolt of lightning running through him when Kendall's hands returned to what they'd apparently decided was their home. A squeeze to both shoulders had James hissing in a breath. "What should I play?"

"Something that makes you happy."

There _was_ one song that had always resonated with James. It was a somber piano masterpiece that left most feeling melancholy, but to James it had always felt soothing. There was just something heavy and comforting about it. After getting his fingers in the right places, James launched into the stark notes of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."

As always when he played this song, he closed his eyes and let the melody sweep him away. This time, though, he took Kendall with him. Warm hands felt like anchors on his shoulders, keeping them joined through the maelstrom of emotion. He was usually deep into the darkness when he played this one, but this time they sailed through it together so that it was comforting and safe rather than cold and lonely.

Two minutes in, warm lips brushed against his neck. "You're so beautiful," Kendall whispered. James' fingers stumbled over the keys. "Keep going. I got you."

He leaned back as he continued, Kendall's body a source of strength holding him up. The feel of an obvious erection against his back made James feel better about his own. He'd had no idea music could be arousing, but somehow Kendall seemed to make everything that way.

"I want this to play at our wedding."

Was there even any use in reminding Kendall _again_ that he was in love with someone else? James let it go this time, not wanting to ruin the mood. He hadn't completely committed to Rush yet anyway, right? That would be tonight. Come this time tomorrow, he'd have a boyfriend again. One that had promised forever.

For now, though...

With an abrupt smashing of keys, the music came to a halt before James reached up to grab Kendall by the hair and drag him down for a kiss so deep they felt it in their toes. Kendall responded just as fiercely, sliding his arms around James' waist in a clear declaration of _MINE._

James wasn't, of course, but for the moment he could pretend. Kendall worked his mouth open wider and James allowed it, wanting to get as deep inside as he was able. When Kendall's fingers dug into his sides, James let out a needy sound. _More,_ that sound said, and it flipped a switch in Kendall so that he shoved James back onto the bench and moved to straddle him. James reached up in invitation, eyes begging for it.

Voices outside the classroom cut through their trance. Kendall moved away as fast he was able, making it possible for James to sit up. He immediately untucked his shirt so that it could hang down over his hips. Luckily Kendall's flannel managed the same task.

They forced smiles for the two students walking in, James greeting them and waiting until they'd crossed to a set of risers to speak. "We almost got caught," he said in wonder, shocked at his own behavior. "What the fuck were we thinking?"

"You know...I think you might actually be worth that."

James shifted around on the bench to face Kendall, staring up at him with wide eyes. "What?"

"There's no way in hell I can keep my hands off you in public. You make me feel this weird...like a dog marking its territory?"

"Oh my god, Kendall, how many times do I have to say it? I don't belong to you!"

Kendall only smiled down at James. "Good luck on your date tonight."

"You want it to fail. You want me to come running back to you, don't you?"

"Nope. I want your date to work out so splendidly that you don't even go home tonight."

"You're insane. And hello, you have your own date! Don't you care about that?"

"It's all I can think about."

"Then get out of here and leave me in peace."

"As you wish." Kendall bent down to say one more thing before walking away. "I love you."

James just stared after him in disbelief. What the fuck was _wrong_ with this man?


	41. Chapter 41

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

It's crazy to me that this is chapter 41, especially considering that the longest story I ever wrote only had 37 chapters and about a hundred more pages than this one. Those were longer chapters, I guess haha. We've still got about four more chapters after this one. But here's the chapter you've been waiting for, FINALLY. Thanks for being patient, they all had to get there in their own time. Hope you like it and let me know what you think! And thanks in advance for reading. :)

* * *

"Hey, babe. You hanging in there?"

Logan's voice was like being in the eye of a hurricane. Everything around James felt like chaos but that tunnel to Logan was peace. "No. I'm ready to chicken out."

"Don't you dare. I promise, it's gonna be great."

"Lucy said the same thing. _Kendall_ said the same thing. But you guys don't know him, so how can you say that?"

"Because _you_ know him. If this was someone who could pull your focus away from me, your security blanket, then I know he's special."

"But what if he's just all talk?"

"Then you leave. Stop talking to him. Run to Kendall."

"Oh my god, shut up about that! You should've heard him today, he was saying the stupidest shit."

"I heard some of that." James could hear the smirk over the phone. "Hold on, I'm gonna put you on speaker. Gotta get this chicken going."

He waited until Logan gave him the okay to talk again before speaking. "You didn't hear what he said in the choir room. He fucking knows I'm into someone else but he's talking about marrying me."

"He said that?"

"What an idiot." James let out a sigh, shrugging off thoughts of Kendall. "Are you busy? Should I let you go?"

"We can talk, I'm just breading chicken."

"Breading? What the hell are you cooking for this guy?"

"Fried chicken. Mashed potatoes. Corn on the cob."

"Fried chicken?" James couldn't fathom it. "You've never cooked fried anything in your life."

"I know, it's weird, right? But I feel like he'll like this. Got the recipe from Mom, it was my dad's favorite dinner."

"Next you're gonna tell me you're planning an apple pie with ice cream for dessert." Silence greeted that statement. "Logan. You never eat this shit."

"Well...I try to eat healthy. But they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and—"

"And he's crazy about you. You don't have to impress him."

"It's not about that. It's...I don't know how to explain it."

"You really like this guy a lot," James mused.

"I don't want to mess this up. He's..."

Logan didn't finish, but James understood because he felt the same way about Rush. "I get it. I'm sure he'll love fried chicken."

"I hope so. Oh hey, just letting you know I'll be out Friday night. We're going to a car show."

"A...Logan, who the fuck are you?"

"Look, it's not something I ever talk about, but I was into cars a lot as a kid. Dad and I used to work on them together."

"Really. I had no idea. All you've ever said about your dad is that he died when you were in junior high."

"Yeah. He never got to see me graduate or get my degrees or...any of that. He would've been really proud. Dad was a more...blue collar type. A mechanic."

"Seriously? I always pictured him as a nerd like you, since I know you don't get that from your mom."

"I'm not sure where I get it. Carlos...we talked a little about it earlier and he thinks maybe that's why I threw myself into my studies so much. As a way to escape the grief. I kind of blocked a lot of it out."

"Logan, why didn't you ever tell me any of this? We could've talked about it."

"I know. And I...don't know why. Please don't take it personally. There's just something about Carlos that made me want to talk about it. Probably the fact that he's so much like my dad. I felt like he'd get it."

James sighed, hands gripping the wheel as he turned into the lot of The Breakfast Spot. "I'm sorry I couldn't be that for you."

"Don't be. I wasn't ready. You there yet?"

"Parking. I'm fucking terrified, Logan. What if he hates me?"

"There's always Kendall," Logan singsonged.

"Oh, that is it. I'm hanging up now."

"Text me later to let me know how it goes."

"I might do more than that. Would Carlos understand if you needed ten minutes to console me through my tears?"

"Absolutely. But that won't be necessary. I'm ninety-nine percent sure you'll be too busy fucking this guy's brains out to care about anything else."

"Is that a slam on my overactive sex drive?"

"It's only overactive if your partner can't match it. Get in there. Stop stalling."

"Ugh, fine. Promise my hair looked okay?"

"You're beautiful. Go."

"Okay." After taking a deep, bracing breath, James opened his eyes. "Hey. I know you're nervous too, but don't be. Carlos really likes you a lot. And Lucy already told me I can stay at her place tonight if things go bad with Rush. So don't worry about kicking him out on my account."

"I wasn't worried about it anyway. I'm hanging up now. Love you."

"Love you, too. We can do this."

"We're totally doing this. Text me!"

"You, too! Bye!"

James spent the next two minutes drumming his fingers over the steering wheel, trying to get up the courage to go inside. It was 5:27.

 **Rusherone:** You there yet?

The incoming message sent his heart skittering all over. Part of him had expected Rush to cancel.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** About to walk in.

 **Rusherone:** I'm almost there. Grab us a table and order me a Coke?

 **Kingofdiamonds:** You got it. See you soon.

 **Rusherone:** Can't wait. :)

And now it was real. This was happening. There was no going back.

James locked the car and strutted toward the restaurant, which held too many memories of Kendall. Why had he picked this place? He should've known better.

But he supposed it was because this place had become a safe haven. Jennifer, Katie, and yes—even Kendall—had welcomed him as if he was family. It felt like a safe place to meet a stranger.

" _I want your date to work out so splendidly that you don't even go home tonight."_

And why was he thinking about Kendall again? Fuck this. Kendall just needed to go away for an hour and let him live his life in peace.

 _I'm not thinking about you anymore tonight. Tonight is all about Rush, and you can just go fuck yourself._

Feeling better about the whole thing, James opened the door and stepped inside. The mouth-watering scents that greeted him soothed him even more, and he smiled as he asked for a table for two.

* * *

When a tall body slid into the booth across from James, he looked up from the menu in surprise. He'd been considering that Rush might go for some pie before they left. There wasn't time for a full meal, but he'd bet they could each polish off a slice of pie in no time.

He also would have bet that the man he was meeting would approach in a more hesitant way, as if needing to be sure he was King before sitting down. The sight of Kendall grinning over a menu at him left him speechless. What the actual _fuck?_

"Oh my god. You really are insane. Certifiable. Can't you take a fucking hint? What are you _doing_ here?"

"Well, nice see you, too." Before he could say another word, two glasses of soda were set down and the waitress asked if they'd be needing anything else.

"Maybe," Kendall smiled. "I'm kind of in the mood for pie."

James just couldn't believe the audacity of this man. "No. No, we will _not_ be needing anything else, because he is not staying." Suddenly remembering his manners, he thanked her with a nod and then hissed, "Get the fuck out of here! I'm waiting for my date!"

"I'm aware of that." Kendall unwrapped the straw and dipped it into the drink, sucking down a few swallows with a satisfied sound. "God, I was so thirsty."

"You're a fucking moron is what you are. Don't you have your own date?"

"Yep."

"I mean, you did your hair and...wow, I've never seen you in a sweater." Momentarily distracted from his outrage, James studied Kendall's appearance. "Blue looks good on you."

"Thank you," Kendall beamed, shifting to give James different angles of himself. "Mom says so, too. And be flattered. I don't tease my bangs up for just anybody, you know."

"Yeah, it's..." Here came the breathlessness that Kendall always seemed to bring with him. _No. Not this time. I'm here for Rush._ "You need to leave. My guy will be here any second."

After fixing James with an amused expression, Kendall shook his head slowly. "You're never gonna get it, are you? I was dropping hints all day, thinking that eventually you'd catch on. But no. Apparently I have to spell it out for you. Literally." He slipped his phone out of a pocket and started to tap at the screen.

"Kendall...you don't...you're just...what the fuck is wrong with you?"

James' phone buzzed on the table.

 **Rusherone:** I'm in love with you.

His breath caught. "You need to leave, Kendall."

 **Rusherone:** Not going anywhere.

"I mean it. I need to talk to him, he's messaging me."

 **Rusherone:** So talk.

"You know what? I'm done with you. Stay or go, I don't care." James picked up his phone.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** Sorry, I'm here. Where are you?

 **Rusherone:** Right here.

James looked around the restaurant, but the only other occupant this close to closing was an elderly couple paying for their meal.

 **Kingofdiamonds:** I don't see you.

 **Rusherone:** Open your gorgeous hazel eyes. I'm staring right at you.

James again looked around, finally noting that Kendall's magnetic gaze was pinned to him. Something tripped his heart into a staccato of uneven beats.

"I'm right here," Kendall whispered. "I've been here for three months, just waiting for this day."

Stark fear washed through James. It was starting to make sense, and yet...no. That wasn't possible. "What are you talking about?"

"I broke up with Logan because I figured out you were King. I broke it off with you for the same reason. I thought you two needed each other. I was wrong."

James' head shook violently back and forth. "No."

"Yes."

"No, no that's... _no."_

"Yes, James."

"No! He wouldn't lie to me like that! He would tell me the truth!"

"He wanted you to be happy." Kendall stopped and corrected himself. _"I_ wanted you to be happy. I thought Logan would do that for you. I didn't know until that day, James, I swear."

"When you kissed me? Right here in this building, did you know then?"

"No. I found out later, when Logan called me from your phone. As soon as I knew it was you, I backed off because you were in love with each other and I was holding both of you back. I was trying to do the right thing."

"By lying to me?"

"By...clearing your path to him. I had no idea he wouldn't make you happy."

It was too much. All of this was too much. "You lied to me. You fucking manipulated me, you—"

"I had to wake you up, James, you were too scared to face the truth and leave Logan. I'm sorry about that, but I said what I had to."

"So the whole marriage thing...that was just a...a method to shake me up."

"Yes, but it was also the truth."

"You don't even know the meaning of that word," James spat. He stood up and angrily clutched his phone from the table. "Fuck you."

He'd turned away before Kendall's voice stopped him. "Go ahead then. Walk away from me the way Logan walked away from you when you showed him your true self. You know as well as I do that we belong together. You storming out of here in a rage isn't going to change that."

James hung his head, not wanting to accept that Kendall was right; he was no better than Logan if he pushed Kendall away for telling him the truth.

"You have two options, hot stuff. Either you can go home and hate me and cry about this, to Lucy and Logan and your mom, or you can spend the night at my place doing all those things we talked about before we cuddle up in bed and fall asleep together. Our happy place. The choice is yours."

After almost a full minute in which Kendall waited silently, James reached into a pocket for his wallet, slipping out a bill and setting it on the table. "I demand romance. You're not just gonna fuck me all night."

Kendall shoved himself up from the booth and stepped closer to James. "Not tonight," he agreed. "We'll save that for another time."

A barely audible whine slipped out of James' mouth. Kendall smiled before resting a possessive hand on James' shoulder. "Lead the way, beautiful."

* * *

James' mind wouldn't stop spinning even after they were settled in his car. Deeper even than the feelings of betrayal was the question of "How did I not see it?" He felt like the world's biggest idiot.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I didn't realize it at the time, either."

And fuck Kendall for _as always_ reading him so easily. James started the car and buckled up, making sure Kendall had done the same before asking, "Where are we going?"

Kendall grinned. "I love that you're leaving that up to me. I was half-expecting you to have a plan in place for dinner and that we'd fight over it."

"I don't have the energy to fight you right now. I can't go home, so..."

"You're not leaving my side until morning. I'd already planned on you staying the night."

"You're so fucking smug. Like everything is just going according to your master plan and I'm some puppet you can—"

"Hey." The word was firm enough that James looked over, and the hint of uncertainty Kendall saw there made him want to soothe James. He cupped James' cheek before leaning across the console to kiss him gently. "You're absolutely not a puppet. If you come home with me tonight, it'll be because you want to. Not because I'm forcing you." When James said nothing, Kendall added, "Of course, if you convince yourself you _don't_ want to, you're just lying to yourself. You've wanted this since the day we met."

"You scared me the day we met."

"You scared me, too."

James launched himself in for another kiss, this one more desperate as if he couldn't believe Kendall was in his car and they were finally going to be together in a way they'd both craved for months. Kendall responded just as eagerly, letting it go on for a bit and then pulling away to command, "Drive."

A shiver worked its way up James' spine. He turned away and put the car in motion, backing out of the spot. They were cruising down the street when James asked, "How could you lie to my face for all that time?"

"I reminded myself you were happy and I didn't want to ruin that."

"Still." Stopped at a red light, James shifted to face Kendall. "You sat in that lounge with me today and were so smug, like you were enjoying toying with me."

"I was," Kendall admitted, a smile playing around his lips. "But it was more that I was excited. Something about the anticipation, the knowledge that I'd finally get to tell you...I was going crazy keeping it all inside but at the same time, listening to you talk about me when you didn't even know it was me..." Kendall shrugged. "It might've been an ego thing. It was so hot when you were going on about all the things you love about me. And I tried to tell you in so many ways without actually _telling_ you."

"I'm such an idiot."

"Stop, you are not." Kendall reached over to twine their fingers. "It was the most incredible feeling. And knowing we'd end up together tonight just made it hotter."

"But how is that fair that you knew and I didn't? You let me spend an entire day panicked that Rush...that _you_...might not accept me."

"And I kept telling you not to worry about it, didn't I?"

"Okay but so did Logan. That doesn't mean—wait. Does Logan fucking know?"

"No. Not unless Lucy told him. So...he might now."

"Ugh, of course Lucy knows. She's known since the day you figured it out, didn't she?"

"Yeah," Kendall admitted. "I was...well, I'd had to give up both you and Logan the same day. And while I'd already pretty much decided Logan wasn't for me, I knew then that _you_ were. And that I'd willingly walked away and could never touch you or kiss you again and...I was in a bad place."

James sighed in frustration. "Okay, but think about all the time we suffered that you could've prevented. You should've told me!"

"You weren't ready." James wanted to argue that point, it was plain on his face, but Kendall diverted that. "Let me ask you this. Pretend for a moment that our positions were reversed, that it was you who found out first."

"How did you figure it out, anyway? I can't stop feeling stupid for not realizing it sooner."

"I only knew because your number was in my phone. So when Logan called me that day, my phone showed it as 'King or James.' That's when I realized you both had the same number."

"Oh. Okay, even I would've figured that out."

"Exactly. So don't beat yourself up, okay? Now, imagine it was you. And Logan and I were in love. Would you have told me?" James hesitated. Kendall continued, "You would do anything to make Logan happy. You would've kept it to yourself."

"I don't know for how long. I can't lie to Logan, the guilt kills me. Didn't it kill you, too?"

"No, because you were both happy. That's all I cared about. I mean imagine if I'd been a rebound. If we got together and you hadn't had a chance with Logan, you'd always wonder. You'd always think you might be happier with him. So I had to let you go down that path. When it became apparent that you _weren't_ happy with him, that's when it got hard to keep my mouth shut. Because I knew I could give you everything you needed."

"So full of yourself," James teased with a roll of his eyes.

"Am I lying?"

James wanted to say yes. Anything to wipe that smug look off Kendall's face. "I guess we'll find out."

Kendall squeezed James' hand with a smile. "I guess we will."

"Where do I park?"

"Oh, you can use my spot. I never do, left my truck back home." Kendall directed James into the small underground parking structure and to his assigned space.

"That's something I've been wondering. Can you drive?"

"I haven't tried. I don't know that I have enough control over the prosthetic for it to be safe."

"We'll figure that out. You got plans for winter break next week?"

"Well, I'm going home for Christmas. I was gonna leave right after the game Saturday and head back with Mom and Katie, but if I get a better offer I might be persuaded to stay in town a little longer."

"Consider this your better offer. We're gonna go out driving together and see if we can get you back some mobility in that sense."

Kendall bit his lip. "I don't expect you to drive me everywhere, if that's what you're worried about. I'd never—"

"No," James assured him. "It's nothing like that. The truth is I like being needed and depended on, so...that wouldn't be an issue for me. I just...I know how much it bothers you that you can't do certain things you used to. Makes you feel..."

"Pathetic?"

"Yeah," he replied honestly. "And you're not. You're so much more even without that missing limb than most men are with everything. You're absolutely perfect."

Kendall couldn't bring himself to speak. James sensed that he was overwhelmed and unbuckled his own restraint, then climbed halfway out of the seat to properly reach Kendall for a deep kiss that put everything he was feeling into touch. Kendall melted under it, that smug expression replaced instead with a fear James had never seen before when they leaned apart. It was a look he'd probably had on his own face many times, and he knew exactly what Kendall needed to hear.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Now Kendall was struggling to breathe. "I never thought about it, what it would be like to have you. It means I can lose you..."

James shook his head. "I don't leave. Not unless I'm no longer wanted."

"That's never gonna happen."

"Logan said the same thing," James reminded him.

"Logan isn't the guy for you. I am."

Sudden nerves returned so that James sat down again. "What if you're not? What if all of this...what if we built it up in our heads and in reality we're not meant to be?"

Kendall's lips slowly curved up into a smile. "I have not one doubt that you and I are meant to be. You'll know it by morning."

James swallowed, anticipation making him squirm. "Promise?"

"The second that door closes behind us, my phone is going off. You are the only thing that matters until morning."

James shivered with the things Kendall wasn't saying; he read them all in that almost-predatory green gaze that sliced through him every time Kendall allowed it to show. His own eyes begged for it.

"Text Logan that you're fine and shutting down your phone for the night."

Hissing in a breath, James did.

* * *

Kendall halted inside the building's lobby. "Hang on, I need to check on something."

When he whipped out his phone and sat down on a loveseat, James teased, "I thought we were done with phones for the night."

"Shush. This will only take a second."

It reminded James that he hadn't shut his off either, wanting a reply from Logan before he did so. He knew Logan was nervous about his own date. Glancing down now, James saw that Logan had answered.

" _I take it things are going well then. Carlos got here a few minutes ago. He looks so good I don't even want to wait until after dinner to make out. But he's hungry. The plate of cheese and salami was a good call."_

James grinned. _"Told you."_ He sent that, then something else occurred to him. _"Did you know?"_

" _Not until today. Are you mad at him?"_

" _I want to be."_

" _Don't. Apparently he's been suffering for months wishing he could be with you. Don't make him suffer anymore."_

Feeling Kendall's gaze on him, James looked over. He couldn't fight the smile that hit when it officially sank into his brain.

 _He's mine. All this...it's mine. Rush and Kendall, I don't have to be torn between them anymore, it's ALL mine._

Perhaps reading his thoughts, Kendall pressed a kiss to his lips. It was brief, Kendall obviously aware they were in public, but that wasn't enough for James. He pulled Kendall back in, loving the way Kendall molded to him without hesitation.

"Phone off," Kendall whispered.

James nodded, then responded to Logan as they walked toward the elevator. _"I won't. Have fun tonight. Talk to you in the morning."_

" _Will you be home before school?"_

" _Yeah, I need to change clothes and stuff."_

" _Okay. See you then. Love you!"_

" _Love you too. Night."_

"Are you quite finished over there?"

"Shut up, Logan's nervous about Carlos!" James powered off his phone before handing it over to Kendall. "There, are you happy?"

"I don't even know how to answer that question. I never thought I'd actually have you."

James leaned into Kendall as the elevator rose. "All those nights we talked and wished we could actually be together..."

"And then we'd see each other at school and get even more worked up..."

"I hated you for that."

The doors slid open and Kendall pulled James along with a smile. "Let me start making up for it now." They stopped in front of Kendall's door, and he suddenly grew serious. "Look. Just because I'm positive this is going to work, that doesn't mean it will or that you'll feel the same way. I know you're scared that my feelings will change once we settle into a routine but...there's something I want you to understand. You mentioned feeling like a puppet earlier, like I'm pulling your strings. The truth is I'm just as much of a puppet when it comes to you. You've been controlling me since the day I walked into that lounge and saw your face. You hated me and I knew it, but I couldn't stop thinking about you. Every word from you, whether it's in person or online, pulls my strings and I'm just as much a prisoner of you as you are of me. I tried to get over you, for _three months_ I tried. I couldn't do it. Do you understand that?"

James could hardly breathe, let alone answer.

"Even with all that being true, I know nothing is guaranteed. So let me just say now that if you decide I'm not right for you, I want you to tell me. Don't be afraid to hurt me. All I ask from you is honesty. Whatever happens after tonight, we can move on and at least know we tried. Right?"

Hearing that Kendall was just as nervous and unsure went a long way toward soothing James' own fears. He tipped Kendall's chin up just enough to kiss him and whispered, "I meant what I said last night. In this moment, I love you. Whether we'll still feel the same in the morning...just know that right now I love you and there's no one else I want to be with."

It was enough. Bracing himself with a deep breath, Kendall unlocked the door and swung it open. Then he stood aside so that James could see what awaited him.


	42. Chapter 42

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Merry Christmas Eve if you celebrate it! If not, Happy Monday! I was going to post this tomorrow but decided to just do it today instead. There are still either two or three chapters left of this, I haven't decided how to break it up yet, so while things are wrapping up there's still a few things to get through before we can send these characters off. I'm so grateful you guys are loving this! Thank you for reading!

* * *

Kendall's apartment wasn't huge by any means; the draw of the place was that it was set up like a hotel, where each dwelling was inside the building, and that it offered certain amenities whenever needed. The home itself, however, consisted of a small bedroom, bathroom, living room, and kitchen that extended into the entry way.

The first thing James noticed upon entering was that the dim but warm light flickered against the walls. He saw quickly that this was due to candles placed throughout the kitchen/entry area, with a large one sitting in the middle of a dining table that was far too big for a small place like this. An aroma of broiled meat greeted James next, his mouth watering while his stomach grumbled; lunch had been so many hours earlier. He heard the door close gently behind him, then a few clicks as Kendall picked up a remote of some kind to bring music to life around them. The soothing tones of "Moonlight Sonata" began to play at a soft volume, warming James' heart.

He spun around with a tender smile on his face. "When did you have time to do all this?"

"I didn't," Kendall admitted. "Lucy and Jo rushed over after school and...I outlined what I wanted. That was what I was checking on, to make sure everything was ready. They even cooked for us."

James would have to remember to buy them dinner in the near future as a thank you. "I can't...you did all this?"

"Well, I _planned_ all this. There should be some...hang on."

He watched Kendall move around the kitchen toward a refrigerator, where he pulled out a bottle of sparkling cider to place on the long table, which was set with small plates and glasses at each end. "Please, sit. Dinner should be in the oven."

The romantic in James wanted to cry a little, but he held on as he shrugged out of his light jacket and set it on a chair they wouldn't be using. Once seated, he reached for the bottle and cracked it open while stealing furtive glances at Kendall, who was busy removing plates of food from the oven. One was set down before James and he inhaled the scent with a pleased sound. A perfectly-cooked steak, baked potato, and asparagus spears tempted him.

"It hasn't been sitting there for hours," Kendall promised. "Lucy said they made the meal last and it's only been about ten minutes."

"I'm not worried about it. This...it's perfect."

"Yeah?" Kendall asked, finally relaxing enough to smile.

"Yes. Stop moving around and join me."

"Right." A nervous laugh followed, Kendall wrapping his hands around the back of his chair. "I just wanted this to be perfect."

"And I told you, it is. Sit. Have a romantic dinner with me."

Kendall was about to lower himself to the chair but then jumped up again. "The salad!"

James chuckled and stood to move around the table and grab Kendall's glass. Once both glasses were full, he settled in again and waited until a bowl of salad had been set between them to speak. "You're fucking adorable."

"What? Me?"

"Yes, you. I've never seen this side of you."

"The insecure, terrified side of me?"

"Yeah," James answered honestly. "It makes me feel a little better about my own fears of inadequacy."

"Oh, please. You have _nothing_ to worry about in that area."

"It's just nice to know I'm not the only one who wants this to work so badly that I'm afraid of fucking it up."

That got Kendall looking up from the small plate he was dumping salad onto. "I don't want you to be scared with me. Ever. Don't be afraid to be yourself and to ask for what you want. Always tell me what you want. _Show_ me what you want."

There were so many things James wanted with Kendall that it made breathing suddenly difficult.

Kendall's lips curved up slowly, reading his thoughts. "Later," he promised. "Butter? Sour cream?"

"Thanks," James grinned, for the first time not embarrassed by his body's incessant need for attention.

They doctored their plates, quiet through most of that but stealing glances at each other as if neither could believe this was finally happening. "You even got the song right," James pointed out.

"Okay, I admit I had to ask Logan about that," Kendall blushed. "I texted him after lunch and asked him what your favorite piano song is. He knew right away, and I was relieved when I played it and it was the same one from earlier. It's on a loop, but we can change the music if you get tired of it."

James shook his head, chewing through a bite of steak so tender he could have cried. "Logan's right, it is my favorite. Of course he would know that."

Kendall nodded slowly. "Is it weird that I'm excited to learn all that stuff?"

"What stuff?"

"Like...Logan knows all of your favorite things. He knows your habits, he knows your likes and dislikes, he knows how to cheer you up when you're down. That sort of thing. He knows exactly what you need."

James sipped at his cider and wiped his mouth before replying. "I think if that was true, I wouldn't be here right now."

Kendall stopped in the act of lifting a bite of salad to his mouth. "I hadn't thought of it that way."

"Logan does know all of that stuff. He's been...I don't even have words for it. I don't know what I'd do without him." Sitting back in the chair while he thought about it, James continued, "But at the same time, there's something so vital to my happiness that he can't give me. He can do anything _for_ me. But what I need is what you can do...to me. With me. _In_ me."

Kendall's food lay forgotten on the table. His tongue peeked through his lips and he looked as if it hurt to even breathe. "I can't do this."

James swallowed, eyes darting away. He'd pushed it too far, probably ruined a perfectly romantic meal.

Suddenly Kendall shoved his chair back. "You're too far away. Come."

James' breath hitched. "W-where?"

"Here." Kendall patted his lap, and James wasted no time. There was just enough room between Kendall and the table for James to straddle his lap, and once in place they both hissed when they were lined up just right. "I swear I planned to make it through dinner with you."

"Food can be reheated."

Kendall's hands slid up James' thighs as he laughed. "This is why we're perfect for each other. You don't make me feel like a monster for wanting you so badly I can't even wait until we're done eating."

"Logan would tell me this is so inappropriate," James breathed.

"Logan's wrong." A thumb stroked slowly up over the bulge in James' jeans, bringing a shivered moan from him. The fact that even that small touch affected James so deeply only made Kendall hotter, but there was a discussion they needed to have first. "So...I don't really know how to say this."

"Wait, we're gonna talk? _Now?_ You want to talk now?"

"I just don't want to disappoint you."

"Kendall, I'm sitting on your lap at the dinner table with a hard dick. Trust me, you're miles away from disappointing me."

"I know, but...it's...I'm sure you have this vision in your head of what it's going to be like once we make it to bed."

James blushed. "I admit I've had a few ideas about it."

"And because you never knew it was me, you pictured someone...whole."

"Whole?" James frowned. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"You know. Someone with two feet, for example."

"Oh. Well...yeah, I guess I did, except...I mean it was always you. Even when it was Rush in my head, it was always you I pictured."

"But with both legs, because you didn't know..."

"Kendall, what's your point? Please make it so we can do this."

Kendall braced himself and took a deep breath. "I'm not as...sturdy on my feet as I could be. I know one of your things is to be fucked up against a wall and I'm just warning you now that I don't know how well that will work. My balance isn't..."

James blinked a few times, trying to understand where Kendall's head was. "You skate."

"Yeah?"

"If you can skate, you can sure as hell fuck me. Who needs a wall?"

Kendall wasn't sure if James meant it or was just trying to be nice. "Really?"

"Whatever you can't do up against a wall you can do just fine on the floor. Right?"

"I...hadn't thought about it."

James sighed and used both hands to force Kendall to look up into his eyes. "I'm not worried about it. When you want something, you find a way to make it happen. I'm counting on you to do that right now. Do you want me?"

Kendall swallowed. "You have no idea."

"Then take me."

With no more hesitation, he reached around James to shove the dishes out of the way, then lifted James up onto the table. James' breaths were quick and shallow; Kendall could practically see the pulse jumping rapidly in his neck as James' head fell back. After putting his hands to work and getting James to lift his hips just long enough, Kendall had the clothing down to James' knees. It only took a few more seconds to get his eager mouth into place, and the sound James made when it got there was the same one that had fueled all of Kendall's fantasies since the night he'd last heard it over a phone.

"Oh god," James whined, now leaned back and using only his elbows to prop himself up. Kendall's mouth knew exactly what to do, as if he'd read some sort of "How to Make Sure James Diamond is 150% Satisfied in Bed" manual. And bed? They weren't even there, they were on a fucking _kitchen table_ and Kendall wasn't worried about their food getting cold or the dishes breaking or even the table being too weak to support him— _HOLY FUCK KENDALL KNIGHT IS SUCKING ME OFF AT THE DINNER TABLE LIKE NOTHING ELSE MATTERS_ —and it was exactly what James needed in life.

It was everything. He was home.

With a loud cry James stiffened under the assault, angry that he hadn't been able to hold on longer to enjoy this. His orgasm alone was so strong that he could've wept from it, and then he realized Kendall hadn't pulled off. Kendall wasn't grossed out by the idea of swallowing, he was...

 _Is he...?_

He was. Kendall used his hand to squeeze every last drop out onto his tongue, then sucked at the head again in case he'd missed anything. James could only stare in awe before whispering, "I'm going to marry you."

"Mmm," Kendall hummed, then pinned James with an evil stare. "I'm going to fuck you first. Right here. It's an old table, passed down from my great-grandfather, but I like it because it's sturdy. Turn over."

James' entire body shuddered. "I love you."

The evil glint wavered until it became a look of such tender devotion that James wasn't surprised to feel a gentle hand cupping his cheek before it pulled him closer for a kiss that promised safety and security, in the form of thousands of nights spent holding each other and being the buoy James needed to keep him from sinking into the darkness again. "I love you, too. You are, in every way, my king."

James crushed Kendall to his chest in a desperate hug. "Don't leave me."

Kendall slowly extricated himself from James, pushing the chair back even further so that he could kneel before him. Kneeling was something that would always be awkward for him now, but Kendall didn't let it bother him this time because he knew James didn't care about any of that. In James' eyes, he would always be that powerful warrior on the ice who didn't let anything stop him from getting what he wanted. Though he'd lost part of his body, it wasn't going to keep him from this.

"Oh my god," James whispered, tears crowding his eyes. "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." He hadn't thought Kendall would actually _do_ it.

"You once called me a knight," Kendall smiled. "I remember that moment, and how I thought it was funny because of my name and how you didn't even know that, yet...you still saw me that way. You knew nothing about me, but you sensed that I would be a protector to you."

A nervous chuckle left James' lips, his gaze dropping before it met Kendall's again.

"As a knight, it is my duty to profess myself to my king, to lay down my life and make it yours. To serve you in times of need, to protect you from anything that has the power to hurt you, to shield you and keep you safe. I swear all of these things to you." Kendall reached up for James' hand, kissing the back of it as a knight would have in olden times. If James hadn't been so enthralled, Kendall might've felt silly at the cheesiness of it all; instead, he was emboldened and pressed on.

"I offer my life to you."

It was all James could do to pull his hand free and wipe at the tears streaming down his cheeks. "Jesus, Kendall, you scared me for a second. I thought—" His words cut off when Kendall suddenly held up a ring he'd snuck out of his pocket, and then James' mouth and eyes fought to see which could open wider.

"There is nobody who makes me feel like you do. Nobody who reads me so well, who makes me laugh so hard, who just...sees me as I am and loves me anyway. I said it the other night without thinking it through, but I've spent the past two days thinking hard about it and knowing that there's nothing in life I want more. Am I crazy to do this when we've only known each other a few months? Probably. Is that enough to stop me? Hell, no. Because when I want something, I go after it. I want you. Every day for the rest of my life, I want to wake up next to you and talk to you about nothing and...watch you make your dreams come true. Help you, if I can. Whatever it takes, James, we'll get you there. Just don't leave my side and promise me the same thing, that no matter where life takes us, we do it together. I'm yours. You're mine. Let's make it official. Marry me."

The tears had dried up, but probably only because James was in too much shock to cry. He looked as if even breathing was a task. Kendall waited it out, finally having to command softly, "Talk to me. What are you thinking?"

"That you're right. You're crazy."

Laughter bubbled up. "You've known that from the start."

"Three months, Kendall. How are we supposed to know if it's gonna last?"

"We don't," Kendall shrugged. "But do you want to miss out on even a second of the journey to find out? Because...what if it does?"

How badly James wanted that was clear in his eyes. His teeth were practically chattering with nerves as he moved a shaking hand toward Kendall. "I want it. I want forever with you."

"You shall have it."

Kendall slid the ring into place before bending his head to kiss it, then he pushed himself up to kiss James properly. The shock was just starting to wear off enough that James kissed him back with the same fierceness. "Are we really doing this?"

"Hell, yes. Whenever you're ready. I know it may be awhile, and that's fine as long as you promise it will happen."

"Yes," James said hurriedly. "Yes. Yes! Oh my god, I'm engaged. I'm going to marry you. You're...you actually love me that much."

"I actually do," Kendall chuckled.

They were kissing again when James broke away to whisper, "Did you just propose to me with my pants down?"

"I sure did."

"That is so inappropriate," James laughed. "I fucking love it."

"I fucking love _you._ Now why don't we get the rest of these clothes off and see what other trouble we can get into?"

"Mmm, I love it when you say things like that. Just promise you won't let go until morning."

Kendall pressed a kiss to James' nose. "And then only because I have to."

"We should call out tomorrow. Fuck the world. Oh wait, no. The concert's tomorrow."

"And my boys are in training for state."

"They're gonna win, too. I can't wait."

"Would you mind if I come to the concert tomorrow night?"

James leaned away, skeptical. "Really? Since when do you do school functions?"

"Since my future husband is performing and it's important to him. It's what you do when you're in love." He grinned when James seemed to melt. "What time does it start?"

"Seven. Logan can pick you up."

"It's a date."

* * *

" _Do you have a minute to talk? Is this a bad time?"_

Cuddled up next to Carlos under a blanket, Logan glanced down at his phone on the coffee table. He frowned when he saw that the text was from James. "Uh oh. James is texting me. He said he was shutting his phone off until morning." He sat up and reached for the device. "This can't be good."

Carlos watched Logan open the message and couldn't resist peeking over at it. "Should I go?"

"What? No! No, I won't be long. I promise." Logan leaned in closer for a kiss that said he was looking forward to more later. "I'll tell him it's a bad time."

"No, we said he could call if he needed us. I meant it. We're just watching a movie anyway."

Logan smiled at Carlos and kissed his cheek. "You're really amazing."

"Glad you think so," Carlos grinned. "Call him. How about I get that pie and ice cream you mentioned started for us?"

"I think that's...perfect. You're perfect."

"Tell me that again after I rock your world," Carlos winked. He squeezed Logan's knee and paused the movie before whistling his way to the kitchen.

"How," Logan whispered to himself. "How did I find this man?" Louder, he called out, "You are staying the night, right?"

"If you'll let me!"

"That's a yes!"

"And Bob's your uncle!"

"Bob's your uncle?" Logan echoed under his breath. It took him a few seconds, but then he remembered where he'd heard the lame saying before. How many times had his father said that to him and he'd answered, "I don't _have_ an uncle Bob, Dad." His father purposely said it to mess with him, usually following it up with a laugh and a ruffle of his hair. Logan's chest suddenly ached for the man he'd forcefully shoved out of his mind for too many years, and spontaneous tears had him standing from the couch. "I'll be out on the patio!"

"Okay, but don't take too long or the ice cream will melt!"

James' voice on the other end of the line was like sanity returning. "Hey, I didn't mean you had to call. Texting would've been fine."

"I only have a few minutes. Are you okay?"

There was a pause before, "I'm great. Are _you_ okay?" When Logan didn't answer right away, James pressed, "Logan? Talk to me."

Next to him, Kendall sat up straighter in bed and muted the recap of scores he'd been listening to. He silently questioned James, who shrugged.

"I'm fine," Logan finally replied. "Just..." He cleared his throat. "Carlos...sometimes he reminds me of my dad. A lot. And it's...does that make this weird?"

"Weird how?"

"You know. Is it weird to be attracted to a guy because he's like your parent?"

"Um. Honestly...maybe a tiny bit." Before Logan could freak out, he added, "But that doesn't mean it's wrong. If Carlos makes you happy..."

"He does. Oh my god, he's so perfect, James. I don't think I've ever been this happy. I had no idea what I was missing."

James nodded slowly, reaching out for Kendall's hand and squeezing it. "I know exactly how you feel. But are you...?"

"I'm fine, I promise. I just had a weird moment and suddenly missed my dad like crazy but...are you sure? It's not something I should seek a therapist about?"

"Oh my god, Logan, stop. You're not crazy. Stop overanalyzing this like you always do. Does he like you?"

"He seems to. He wants to stay the night. He loved dinner."

"And you like him, so who fucking cares about anything else? You can't help what you're attracted to. I know you, and I know that for you to do the things you did in that classroom without thinking them through first is a good thing. I mean, exercise a little restraint in the future if you want to keep your job, but the point is that he made you crazy enough to go for it. Wait, crazy is the wrong word to use. You don't need a therapist."

Logan looked through the glass door and into his living room, where Carlos was setting down two heaping plates of pie before grabbing their glasses for a refill of iced tea. The sight warmed his heart, reawakening that yearning to be near the man again. "You promise it's not creepy?"

"It's...the way it is, Logan. I couldn't fight my feelings for Kendall, and you can't change the way you feel about Carlos. Some things don't make sense. That doesn't mean they're wrong."

"I think I'm falling for him. I mean, really falling hard. It's too soon for this, I shouldn't be wanting to tell him I love him on our first date." When James snickered, Logan chastised, "It's not funny! Stop laughing at me!"

"I'm not! Babe, no, it's not that. It's...I mean, at least you didn't get engaged on your first date."

Kendall beamed next to him, lifting up his hand to kiss the ring again. "I love you," he mouthed. James' radiant smile was an echo of the sentiment.

"Well no, of course not," Logan replied. "Only a crazy person would do that."

"Okay, but...that doesn't make it wrong. Just not...logical or traditional. Sometimes when something's right, you just know it."

"I guess. I should get back in there, my ice cream is melting. Wait, why did you call? I thought your phone was off for the night."

"Well, Kendall was waiting to hear about one of his kids, I guess he's been out due to an accident and had to be cleared to play again. So he needed to check that. I just...you know. Needed to talk. Hey!"

Kendall's voice was suddenly on the line. "He's dying to tell you that he's engaged but also terrified you'll be mad at him. Ow! That hurt, asswipe!"

"Then give me back my phone, dickhead!" Suddenly it was James again. "Babe? You there?"

"Oh my god."

"Look, I know you're going to say all this shit about how it's too soon and we're crazy and—"

"James...you've only known him for three months."

"I know."

"You're that sure?"

"I know how insane it sounds, but...I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

"Oh. Okay. Well...congratulations?"

"Thanks?"

"Sorry, I just...you blindsided me with this."

"I know. This morning we were kissing each other goodbye and suddenly I'm engaged and...life moves pretty fast, as my mom would say."

Logan opened his mouth a few times, finally asking, "Are you happy?"

"I am. He's everything I ever needed. And I think if you let him, Carlos will be that for you."

A tap on the glass had Logan spinning around. Carlos held up a plate bearing a slice of apple pie and way too much ice cream, lifting his brows as if to say "You know you want it." Logan couldn't help but laugh, holding up one finger. "You know, James...you're right. You _are_ crazy."

"Yeah."

"But...I think you're also smarter than me when it comes to love and relationships. I'd be nuts to let this one get away."

"Absolutely. Is he staying the night?"

"Yep."

"Are you gonna fuck him?"

"Yep."

"That's the man I always knew was in there. Go get him."

Logan nodded, fortifying himself. "Okay. I'm...congratulations. I mean it. I just want you to be happy."

"That's all I want for you, too. I love you."

Logan smiled. "I love you, too. Um, no more calls tonight. We'll be in bed soon."

"Fuck yes. See you in the morning."

"Night, James."

James tossed his phone lightly across Kendall's body to the nightstand after turning it off. Kendall took advantage of James' position to pull him down for a kiss. "Still pissed at me?"

"You know that never lasts."

Kendall grinned. "He okay?"

"He was freaking out. Apparently Carlos reminds him of his dad so he's convinced himself it's creepy."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Leave it to Logan to turn something beautiful into a puzzle to be solved."

"Right?" James settled down onto Kendall's chest, loving the way Kendall's arms snuggled him in.

"Is he mad? About the engagement?"

"He thinks we're nuts."

"Do you?"

"A little," James admitted. "But the difference between me and Logan is that I wouldn't let that stop me. I'll do whatever it takes to keep this happening for the rest of my life."

"This? Which part of our current situation are you referring to?"

"All of it. Every time we talked about our happy place, I wanted to be there. I finally am."

"How does it feel? As good as you imagined it?"

"Better. This is real."

"Mmm. Do you have any idea how many nights I laid in this bed wishing you were here with me?"

"Before or after you knew it was me?"

"Both. Probably more once I knew it was you. Instead I had to try to block out visions of him getting what I always wanted from you."

"He wasn't getting it all that often," James chuckled.

"His mistake. Now it's too late, you're mine."

James kissed Kendall's neck and whispered, "Say that again." He felt it when Kendall's body kicked into gear just from those three little words alone, rubbing his knee against the growing erection.

Breathless, Kendall said, "You're mine." His fingers dug into James' skin where they touched it.

The intense reaction was an aphrodisiac to James, who shifted until he was straddling Kendall's hips. "Remember that time we talked about me riding your horse?"

"Oh fuck, James. Where's the..." Kendall rolled to the side, taking James with him in his haste to search for the lube.

"I think you threw it on the floor in your desperation to fuck me last time." James peeked over the side of the bed. "Yep. There it is."

"Well don't just sit there, get it already!"

James smiled at the urgency in Kendall's voice. It was music to his ears. He leaned down to grab for the bottle, then settled into place on Kendall's thighs again. "Are you tired? I understand if you'd rather just go to sleep, I know we have to wake up early and—"

"Oh shut the fuck up and do this already! Better yet..."

Kendall snatched the lube away and shoved James off him, James letting out an involuntary whine at the realization that Kendall was at that point where nothing would stop him. The fact that _he_ was worthy of being needed like that... "Hurry," he begged. He heard the snap of the cap before slick fingers thrusted inside him, causing him to arch his back before dropping his head to the mattress. "Please, I can't wait anymore, just..." Suddenly he needed to see Kendall, to witness the hunger on that beautiful face. He twisted his head back and their eyes met, Kendall shivering at the urgency in hazel eyes filled with longing. It was every fantasy he'd ever had come to life, and it was real. It was happening.

It was everything.

The words "I love you" were on the tip of his tongue, but that wasn't what James needed right now. There would be time for that later. He gave James what he wanted, James crying out with each hard push but begging for more in between, and eventually James collapsed to the bed where Kendall continued to pound until he felt James stiffen under him with a sound like he was being driven out of his mind. The contraction of muscles around him when James reached orgasm was more than Kendall could take, and he succumbed to bliss before letting himself fall onto James.

Through harsh pants James managed a weak, "I love you." Kendall reached up to twine their fingers, bringing James' hand close enough to kiss the ring. Tonight they'd fall asleep together in their happy place, and in the morning he'd wake up with that gorgeous body wrapped around him. It was everything he'd ever wanted in a man. In _this_ man. Whatever name he went by, he satisfied every single one of Kendall's needs.

"I love you, too. And I promise you, that's not gonna change. In fifty years, we'll be waking up next to each other."

James smiled at the vision. "I bet you'll be a cranky old man."

"Me? You'll be the little bitch whining that your joints hurt." James chuckled, melting when Kendall added more. "And when you do, I'll be the loving husband who rubs that disgusting smelly cream on you to take away the pain."

"You're an asshole."

"Because I want to help you?"

"Because you just made me cry."

Kendall slowly pulled out of James, then lifted himself up enough to turn James over onto his back. He kissed the tears away before doing the same to James' lips. James reached up to hug him closer as they kissed softly, and Kendall knew all of the agony and waiting had been worth it.


	43. Chapter 43

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So it looks like the next chapter will be the last for this story! I was hoping to break what's left into three chapters, but there's no good place to end it until halfway through so that's how it's going to be. Sorry this one's so long! Work's been insane for the past few weeks and is continuing in that vein, so I have no idea when I'll post the last chapter. Sometime next week is all I can guarantee. And once that's done, hopefully I'll have written a lot more of "Magic" and can continue posting that story. Thanks to you guys who are already reading it. :)

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday (if you celebrate it) and here's wishing you all a Happy New Year! Thanks for spending this past one with me here and helping me get through life with encouraging reviews that always made me smile. Love you guys!

* * *

As always, Kendall held the door for James. It was a little thing, and something James easily could've lived without, but he enjoyed it for the chivalrous act it was that came so naturally to Kendall. "Thanks," he smiled.

Kendall's eyes sparkled above a smirk that said too many things to count; James understood each one with just a quick meeting of their gazes, and did nothing to discourage the hand on his shoulder as they stepped toward the hostess' booth. It had become a fixture he now welcomed. While he knew that for Kendall it was some sort of show of ownership, James also liked that occasionally it helped Kendall keep his balance when he wasn't feeling too steady.

He'd never tell Kendall that, though.

"Are they here yet?"

"Yeah," Kendall answered. He peeked further into the restaurant and grinned when his mother's wave caught his eye. "Right over there."

Jennifer jumped up from the table to hug Kendall tight, then immediately did the same to James. "I didn't know you were coming! It's so great to see you!"

"Good to see you, too," James smiled, meaning it. The truth was he was a tad nervous, no matter how many times Kendall had promised everything would be fine. Meeting the family as a boyfriend was so different than doing it as a friend. "Katie," he nodded as he stepped back from Jennifer.

"Hey. So is the team here yet?"

"Yeah, we came up on the bus with them." Kendall slid into the booth across from her, waiting until James was next to him to get comfortable. "I forgot what those bus rides are like."

"Oh, I didn't forget," Jennifer laughed. "How many years was I team mom? Teenage boys are rowdy."

"It was kind of fun," James admitted. "I never experienced that."

Kendall chuckled. "You missed out. Good times."

Jennifer suddenly said, "Oh, we didn't get enough menus. Sorry, we were only expecting Kendall. Let me—"

"It's fine." James waved her comment away. "We can share. I'll just need another place setting when they come around to take our order. I've never eaten here, any suggestions?"

"The spaghetti and meatballs is fantastic," Jennifer shared. "Though they do have a great pesto chicken sandwich."

They quietly studied their menus for all of ten seconds before Katie blurted, "So where are they?"

"Who?" Kendall wondered.

"The team. Hello, have you been listening to anything I've been saying?"

James' gaze narrowed across the table before it clicked. "It's number 17, isn't it?"

"What?" Katie played dumb. "What does that even mean?"

"Don't even try to hide it," James laughed. "You never cared about the team before, so I'm assuming it's the new guy."

"I cared about the team!"

Kendall finally caught up. "Wait, Patrick? You're...oh my god, Katie, come on. He's two years older than you!"

"Two years is nothing! I don't know why I even bother with you, you just don't get it."

"Get what?"

"Love. You're such a _guy_ when it comes to that stuff, totally oblivious to what's right in front of your face."

Kendall's lips twisted as he twined fingers with James under the table. "You think so, do you?"

"Totally. So are they at a hotel?"

"Yes. We're having pizza brought in for them, so they won't be leaving the building. I would've stayed except I needed to meet with you guys now since we have no idea what tomorrow will be like. If we lose, I might just want to crawl into bed after the game."

"You will not," James scolded. "You'll be proud that you made it this far and realize what an incredible accomplishment it is for the team. And know that next year, you'll get it."

Kendall squeezed James' hand for a moment, his gratitude showing in his eyes.

"I was actually surprised when you asked to meet up for dinner, Kendall." Jennifer closed her menu and sat back. "Isn't Friday when you and Logan usually do your movie night?"

"Yeah, and I could've just driven out tomorrow for the game, but I wanted to be with my boys. It's important to show that I'm with them in everything. I'm getting them up early to practice tomorrow, so I wanted everyone in place tonight. And yes, Katie, Patrick is here. He also has a girlfriend."

Her face fell. "No fair."

"Sorry."

"Well...I mean, he has the whole rest of the school year and summer to break up with her, so...just make sure when that happens, he doesn't find someone else!"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "You know what you want?" he said softly to James.

"That pasta looks really good. Of course, every time I go out and try some it doesn't compare to Logan's."

"Logan really does make great pasta. It's even fantastic the day after."

"Was he too busy to join you guys for the night?" Jennifer wanted to know.

"Uh..." James started. "He's got other plans. School's out for two weeks, so he'll probably take all of three days off before starting the lesson plans for next semester."

The server arrived then, taking drink orders to give them more time to decide. Under the table, Kendall's thumb caressed the ring in a gesture James was getting used to as a way to help him think. Three days as an official couple and James thought he was starting to know all of Kendall's little habits well. He could tell at the moment that Kendall was trying to come up with a way to slip their relationship status into the conversation, and for all of his "everything will be fine, she loves you" comments, he was suffering a sudden onset of nerves.

"Are you going home for Christmas, James? Or maybe to Logan's?"

Well, that gave them the opening they'd been waiting for. It was Kendall who answered the question. "Actually, Mom, that's what I wanted to see you guys about tonight. Plans for Christmas changed."

"Oh, no," she started, shaking her head. "You are not backing out on Christmas."

"No, of course not! Nothing like that. But I won't be driving back with you guys after the game tomorrow. I was going to spend a few days at home, there are some things going on and—"

"Oh. My. God. It happened."

All heads swung toward Katie, whose mouth was hanging open slightly.

" _What_ happened?" Kendall frowned.

"Don't play dumb, you think I don't know you're holding hands under this table?"

James' cheeks flamed, his hand attempting to pull free but Kendall held on tighter.

"Katie," Jennifer sighed in exasperation. "Will you stop with that? I keep telling you, it's never going to happen. Logan and James—"

Kendall suddenly lifted up their clasped hands onto the table, cutting off her argument. She stared down in stunned silence, then hopeful blue eyes flew up to their faces. "It happened? But...Logan..."

"It's hard to explain," James tried. "Logan and I love each other, but...we do better as friends. And it was Kendall who kind of...brought that home to me."

"More than that, it was another teacher that brought it home to Logan. James and I were actually talking online three months ago and had no idea, and we fell in love that way. In person, the attraction was there too, and...it finally happened." Kendall shrugged. "We stopped fighting it."

Katie tilted her head. "How did you not know you were talking online?"

"It was anonymous," James replied. "I just found out a few days ago it was Kendall."

"I've known for three months and wanted to take things further, but...he was with Logan."

"Hold on. So you dated Logan, who then dated James, and now James is dating you?"

Kendall nodded at Katie's question.

"Wow. You guys all get around."

"Katie!" Jennifer smacked her arm lightly.

"You're just mad that you owe me fifty bucks!"

James' jaw dropped. "You bet on us?"

"Please, I could tell you two had it for each other the first time we had breakfast together. Mom thought I was crazy."

"I didn't think you were crazy," Jennifer corrected. "Just that it wouldn't happen because Kendall was dating Logan. And then _James_ was dating Logan and...he really must be something."

"He is," James agreed with a soft smile. "We just want each other to be happy. I'm happiest with Kendall."

"And he's happiest with Carlos. It just took us awhile to figure out how we all fit together best. Mom, admit it. You've wanted this since the day you met James."

"You know I have," she agreed. "James...welcome to the family!"

That radiant smile was back. "Thanks. You're really okay with this?"

"As long as Kendall's happy."

"He is," Kendall promised, leaning his head on James' shoulder. "James is everything I need."

"Okay, I have so many questions, but one that can't wait."

It did have to wait until after everyone had placed an order, though. Quick decisions were made around the table and it was only after they'd all taken a sip of their drinks that Jennifer asked, "What does this have to do with Christmas? Of course James is invited, if that's what you're asking."

Kendall and James looked at each other. They were still up in the air over that. "The thing is, I can't leave my mom alone. So I'd love to come celebrate with you guys, but—"

"Bring her. We'll have more than enough food, I'm sure."

James hesitated again. "See, it's not that simple. Mom...she doesn't know how to do anything without taking control. If we invite her over, she'll end up planning everything and probably have the whole thing catered and I'm sure you guys have your traditions and—"

"Invite her," Jennifer said again with a glint in her eyes. "I'm sure we can compromise. I admit the idea of taking a year off from cooking doesn't sound like a bad thing, but I do have a few dishes I'm going to make no matter what."

"Mom doesn't compromise."

"Well, if she wants her son to be happy, she'll learn to. Kendall, are you nervous about meeting her?"

"I actually already met her," Kendall laughed.

"God, she loves Kendall." James rolled his eyes. "You don't know how many times I've heard 'I still don't understand why you aren't with that Knight boy. He's exactly what you need.' She likes Logan, she just never thought we were good together."

Jennifer's lips tugged up. "Sometimes moms just know these things."

Kendall couldn't argue that. "So we were thinking we could all do our Christmas Eve together, us and Logan and Carlos, and Lucy and Jo. Then James and I will drive out in the morning and Brooke can meet us there if she wants to come. But then we'll stay for the entire week after. If that's okay."

"I guess sacrifices have to be made when your kids grow up," Jennifer sighed. "I was looking forward to having you home for two weeks, though."

Katie jumped in. "Mom, let them have a week to themselves. You know they just want alone time."

When James started to deny that, Kendall squeezed his hand. "Don't even bother. She knew we were in love before we did; she knows this, too."

Two minutes into the meal, Katie asked, "Is no one going to say a word about the ring on James' finger?"

James and Kendall froze. They hadn't planned on dropping _that_ bomb yet.

"It's more of a promise ring," Kendall supplied. "I already know I want to marry him, and it's a promise that that won't change no matter how long we wait."

"That's very sudden," Jennifer said slowly. "You're both so young to be making decisions like that."

"We know," James nodded. "Logan thinks we're crazy. He's not wrong. But...we're that sure. I know it's not something anyone else can understand."

Jennifer fixed Kendall with a smile. "Did you know that your father proposed to me on our first date?"

Three mouths gaped back at her.

"You two are so much alike," she chuckled. "I'm assuming it was you who proposed?"

"It was me," Kendall nodded.

"What did you say to Dad?!" Katie wanted to know.

"I told him he was crazy and to try again in a year."

Kendall smirked. "How long did he actually wait? A week?"

"He refused to take the ring back. He told me to keep it and if there ever came a time when I decided for sure that I didn't want to marry him, give it back then. I never did."

"That's so romantic," James breathed. "You knew that night you wanted to marry him, didn't you?"

"I honestly wasn't sure. I only knew that I wasn't opposed to the idea. When we officially became engaged, it was me who brought it up. How did you do it, Kendall? Roses? Some grand romantic gesture?"

Recalling the moment he had actually proposed to James, after an urgent blowjob on the dining room table, Kendall bit down on his lip. He couldn't tell his _mother_ that, could he?

James saved the day. "It was perfect. I don't think it could've happened any other way with us. So Katie, if you want to, you're welcome to sit with me and watch the team practice tomorrow. I'm sure number 17 will be on fire."

"Ohhhh, yeah he will. You're on!"

Kendall slipped a hand over to squeeze James' thigh as a thank you for deflecting that. James pressed a kiss to his shoulder, and they returned to their meal with the family.

* * *

Kendall was quiet on the way home from what James was starting to think of as "Logan's place" again; strange as it was now his home as well, but as he hadn't slept there in over a week and only visited to change clothes and shower, it didn't feel like home anymore. Kendall's place did, and though James had been considering just packing a suitcase of things to keep over at the new location, he worried that Kendall might not be ready for something so presumptuous.

Then again, the man had asked James to marry him; maybe they were past presumptuous.

Still, James hesitated every time the thought of voicing that idea flitted into his brain. He didn't want to crowd Kendall, who was always oversensitive to people thinking he couldn't manage on his own, and really they'd only been officially together a week. Maybe James just needed to slow his roll.

He allowed Kendall the time to brood, knowing that when the man was ready to talk about whatever was on his mind, there would be no stopping him. During the last mile of the drive, James cast his brain back over the Christmas Eve celebration with friends in an attempt to pinpoint what might be causing the current mood. As far as he could tell, everything had gone great. He'd showed up early to help Logan cook for the small party, Kendall coming along and spending the time sampling their collection of video games. Eventually the rest of the gang arrived, presents in hand, and after enjoying more food and drink than any of them could comfortably handle, they'd gathered around the living room to open the gifts. Lucy's reaction to the huge Star Wars Lego set James and Kendall had gone halves on was the highlight of the evening, her screeches of excitement so loud Mrs. Gibson had wandered over to make sure "the boys" were okay. Lucy rushed to the woman with her big Lego box and gushed, pointing out all that she could do with the set, until Jo gently dragged her away to "leave the poor woman in peace."

Logan being Logan, however, invited her in because he realized she was alone on Christmas Eve. She'd declined at first, not wanting to "intrude on the party," but when James insisted she stay, she caved. James took her to the kitchen to fill a plate while Logan retrieved something from under the tree, and she sat between Carlos and Jo on the sofa while they continued opening gifts. Logan silently gestured for James to take the empty plate from her when she'd finished, and then he passed her the last package stating that he'd been planning to take it over to her the following day, but she was here now so she might as well open the gift from himself and James. James had returned to the living room in time to hear the last part, having no idea when Logan had purchased the gift or what it was, but of course Logan had remembered Mrs. Gibson. Logan was just that kind of guy.

It turned out to be a calendar featuring different varieties of carnations. James thought it odd, as carnations weren't generally a flower people fawned over, but apparently Logan knew something he didn't because Mrs. Gibson's eyes teared up when she studied the monthly pictures on the back. She hugged Logan to her fiercely, then did the same to James, before showing it around the group and explaining that carnations had been a tradition throughout her marriage. It was the first flower her husband ever gave her, back when they'd first started courting sixty years before, and every year on their anniversary he gave her a bouquet of them. He took joy in looking for rare colors.

Logan escaped to the kitchen soon after that to serve up pie and cake he'd prepared the night before, James slipping in after taking orders from everyone. "How did you know that about the carnations?" was James' first question.

"I didn't," Logan admitted. "Can you grab the plates? Thanks, babe. Did you never notice that she always has a fresh bouquet of carnations on the coffee table when we go in there to help her with something? Or that there are pictures of them on the walls?"

No. James hadn't. But of course Logan, whose skills of observation were ingrained in him, had seen everything even though they never spent more than two minutes at a time in her apartment. "Thanks for including me in that gift. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I didn't even think of her when making my Christmas list."

"I know," Logan grinned. "That's why I'm always here to save your ass."

James had laughed, interrupting the serving of pie for a hug that would forever be a calming influence in his life. Logan held him close and whispered, "Are you happy?"

"He's amazing. Sometimes I still can't believe he's actually mine. You?"

"He's...he makes me laugh. He makes me relax. He shows me off like I'm some prize and I just...I'm not used to it but I love it. I love _him._ "

"That's all I ever wanted for you, Logan."

"Hey hey hey, break it up. This one's mine now."

They both laughed as Kendall pulled James away. "I was thanking him for including me in the gift for Mrs. Gibson. I had no idea we'd even gotten her anything." James leaned in for a peck to Kendall's lips. "Help me take all this out to everyone?"

The party broke up soon after dessert had been devoured. James and Kendall stayed behind to help clean up, and of course Carlos was there for the night. They'd all sat around for a bit longer discussing the upcoming plans for the remainder of Christmas break, but as the talk continued Kendall grew quieter and James knew he needed to be somewhere else.

What he didn't know was _why._

Now as he reached into the trunk for the gifts they'd brought home with them, James wondered if Kendall was rethinking everything. Had he already decided his impulsive proposal was a bad idea? If so, that was going to ruin James' Christmas gift to him.

Not to mention devastating James into a million pieces that might possibly never be put back together.

Once inside, James set his armful of boxes on the massive dining room table where the most incredible moment of his life had occurred only eight days before. He ran a hand over the table, as if the sturdiness of the wood could somehow fortify their bond, and watched Kendall move past and into the kitchen to grab a mug.

"Hot cocoa?" Kendall offered.

"I think if I put anything else in this stomach tonight, it'll explode. That cake was perfection."

"It _was_ good."

"Logan always knows exactly how much cocoa powder to put in his frosting, I don't know how he does it. It's so much better than the stuff out of the can."

Kendall only nodded while turning on the electric kettle his mother had sent with him specifically for this purpose.

Hesitantly, James approached to slide his hands up Kendall's back and squeeze his shoulders, which were as tense as expected. "Want to talk about it?" he asked softly.

"I'm afraid to," Kendall admitted.

"Why?"

"Because I don't know if I'm ready to hear the answer."

James moved his hands so that he could hug Kendall to him, his heart starting up a faster rhythm as anxiety closed in. He kissed the back of Kendall's neck, relieved when Kendall did nothing to discourage the closeness. Instead, he wrapped his arms around James' for a tighter hug and leaned his head back onto James' shoulder. James' mouth worked over the warm skin of Kendall's neck, alternately sucking and biting until he felt Kendall's tension shift into a different kind. "I love the way you kiss me," Kendall whispered. "It's like you can't get enough of my taste."

"I can't." James loosened his hold just enough to spin Kendall around, then immediately backed him up against the counter. "Sometimes I sit in a room and just stare at you, wishing I could taste you and thinking I'll never make it until we can be alone. Not being able to touch you at school is torture."

"That's mutual," Kendall agreed. "And right now all I want to do is take you into that bedroom and lose myself in you, let you convince me everything is in my head so I can go on pretending that nothing's wrong and we'll live happily ever after."

James stepped back slowly, dread pooling in his stomach while his heart cracked. "So something _is_ wrong."

"That's what I'm afraid to find out."

James wasn't ready for this. Just the idea that Kendall might be considering ending things already brought a panic attack shooting into his chest so he couldn't breathe. All James could do was stand there staring back at Kendall with terror in his eyes. Kendall placed a kiss to his lips and it helped—slightly. In his mind, James was picturing a Christmas spent sobbing in his mother's arms and feeling like he wanted to die because now that he'd had it, life without Kendall...he didn't think he could bear it.

"Go sit on the couch," Kendall commanded gently. "I'll be right there."

"No. No, if you have something to say to me, just fucking say it. Fucking say it right now!"

Kendall gripped him by the arms, rubbing his thumbs over the jacket James had never taken off. "Calm down. I need you to be rational when we talk about this."

"How can I be rational when you're breaking up with me?!"

"I'm not breaking up with you." Kendall's voice remained patient, knowing that to let his own feelings loose would probably result in them hurling insults at each other until one of them stormed out. "I'm...I'm leaving that up to you."

"Up to...Kendall, are you fucking insane? Do you really think there's any scenario in life that would end in me breaking up with you?"

"Yes. I think there's one. And we need to talk about it before we can move forward."

That was finally enough to break through James' hysteria. Now it was confused hurt that came through in James' voice. "How could you think I'd leave you? Do you think this ring means nothing to me?"

"I think loyalty is your most admirable quality. It's probably the thing I want most in a boyfriend."

"I'm more than your boyfriend, Kendall, I'm your fiance. Why is this suddenly in question?"

"Because that same loyalty might be what ruins us, and I'd rather know that now than a year from now when I'm about to walk down the aisle with you."

"I don't understand."

"I know. The truth is I don't think you're even aware of it." Kendall sighed before taking James' hands in his and leaning in to kiss him softly. "Go sit on the couch. I'll be right there."

This time James obeyed the words. With tears in his eyes he turned away, stopping only long enough to shrug out of his jacket and hang it next to Kendall's on the rack by the front door before slowly sinking onto the sofa with his hands clasped between his knees. The sounds of Kendall mixing cocoa powder into boiling water should've been soothing, but instead every clink of a spoon against glass set his nerves more on edge. What the fuck could Kendall possibly be doubting in him?

Despite James' earlier comment, Kendall brought in two steaming mugs and handed one to James, who wrapped both hands around it like a lifeline. Kendall joined him, taking a few sips and then setting it on the table so he could turn sideways to face James. He waited until James had done the same, reaching over to wipe away a smidge of whipped cream on James' upper lip, then said, "I'm trying to figure out how say this without setting you off. We seem to have a habit of going from zero to sixty, whether it's in anger or lust."

"More like zero to a hundred," James replied, lifting Kendall's lips into a smirk.

"Very true. I just...I don't want you to run from this, since it's something I'm sure you won't want to face when I bring it to your attention. I need you to be completely honest with me, but more importantly with yourself."

"What is it you think I'm lying to myself about?"

"Logan."

It was the last thing James expected to hear. Confusion twisted his features and he blinked a few times before echoing, "Logan?"

"James...I see you guys together at school every day. I never think twice about it, because Carlos is around and it's not like either of you could act on anything there anyway."

"There's nothing to act on."

"Let me finish. Tonight was different. I was in your home. _Your_ place, the place you two built together. I listened to you in the kitchen for hours, I watched you two in this dance that was so familiar and comfortable and every other word out of your mouths was 'babe.' I felt like...like I was intruding. Like I didn't belong."

"Kendall—"

"No, let me just get it all out. I know you live there. I know it's your home. I'm being ridiculous but...I mean, we've only been dating a week and I shouldn't expect so much so soon."

"Kendall—"

"James, please, let me talk. I walked into that kitchen tonight to find you in his arms and it was like reliving the entire three months when you belonged to him. I think in your heart you do. I think you love the life you've created with him and you're terrified to leave it and once you've satisfied your curiosity with me, you'll want him again." He fell silent for so long that when he spoke again it was, "You can talk now. Just...be honest. And don't start with a bunch of denials, because what I saw isn't my imagination. Accept that it might be true."

James' first instinct _had_ been a bunch of denials; Kendall just didn't understand. He knew that wasn't going to work, though, until he tackled each of Kendall's points and laid them to rest. "Okay."

"Okay?"

He reached for the cocoa, drinking half the mug down now that it was cooler. "You're right about some of that."

Kendall hissed in a breath, but nodded.

"We are still stuck on the 'babe' thing. It's a hard habit to break, and it's just so natural for us that I didn't even think about it. I doubt he has, either."

"I've watched you guys for three months. I know what you were like before you dated, I know what you were like _when_ you dated. I get it. Carlos...he doesn't. I'm sure it bothers him."

"It might," James admitted. "But I think he's still at that stage with Logan where he's afraid to scare him off. You're right, if there's anyone I should be calling 'babe', it's you."

"I'm not asking for that."

"I know. The truth is it almost slipped out a few times with you, but I didn't know how you'd feel about it. I should've known you would like it. Logan and I called each other that even before we started dating, did you know that?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think that's why it feels so natural even now. It was always a friendship thing with us. A...okay, no, I'm lying. I loved it when he called me that because it made me feel like I belonged to him."

"Exactly. That's what it feels like to me, too. And it makes me wonder if there's a part of you that still wants to belong to him."

"Honestly...we're always gonna be close. You have to understand that, Kendall."

"And I do. I really do. I only dated Logan for a week, but it was long enough to know how special he is and that I never wanted him out of my life."

"That's exactly it. He's like...I mean he's my best friend. He knows me and takes care of me and—"

"And as your fiance, that should be my job now. That's all I'm saying. I get that there's going to be a transition period, but if you still want that from him, I think it says something."

"I want it from you."

"Are you sure?"

"Do you know what we were talking about in the kitchen? When you walked in on us hugging?"

"Do I want to?"

"You. And Carlos. He wanted to make sure I was happy. I needed the same. We both are, Kendall. We were agreeing that we'd found the right people. And then you came in all jealous and you have no idea what that did to me. I fucking love that you don't like others touching me. But Logan...he's just different. I've never had a brother but I feel like he's become that to me. Except that I know what it's like to kiss him and have sex with him and okay, now it's weird."

Kendall couldn't help the chuckle that escaped. "Be honest, though. Do you miss that with him? The kisses and the sex?"

"Do you even remember why I was unhappy with him?"

"Yes, but I don't want us to be just sex. I don't want him to be your emotional support and me just a body to keep you warm at night. Because my feelings for you...they're so much deeper than that."

James stared into Kendall's eyes and raised a hand to his face, caressing his cheek before cupping it. "I wish you could see inside my heart. I want it all with you. Every single aspect of a soulmate, that's what I see in you. That's what I feel when you touch me. Will I sometimes need Logan's advice when I'm unsure about something? Yes. That's never going to change. But you need it, too, and you appreciate how great he is because he's _your_ best friend as well. What you and I have, it's so much more. It's...everything."

Kendall wanted to believe it. He used his hand to move James' to his lips, kissing the palm gently and closing his eyes as if absorbing the touch. "I just don't want you to go running back to him if it doesn't work out with Carlos. Or if we have a fight. I'm in this forever, and I need you to be, too."

James suddenly stood up and walked away. Kendall stared after him in disbelief. "Are you serious right now? I say I need you to be here forever and you fucking walk out of the room?" There was no answer. "James?"

He reappeared, hand closed around something. "You just ruined my present for you. Now all I have to give you on Christmas is a jersey with your stupid name on it, and you'd better act like it's the best gift ever."

"A...what? You got me a jersey?"

"Well, it's more from the team than me, I just got the ball rolling. Fuck it, you might as well open that now, too."

"James, will you just..."

But James was jogging into the bedroom again, where they'd set their already-packed bags and gifts for the early drive to the Knight home. He returned with a large box and set it on Kendall's lap. "Open it."

"We were having a serious discussion."

"And we'll get back to it after this." James slipped his phone out and got into position to record Kendall. "I promised them video. Go for it."

"Who?"

"Just open it. _Babe."_

After a chuckle at the word, Kendall started ripping at the paper. James got video rolling just in time to capture Kendall lifting the top off the box. He pushed aside tissue paper and stared down in awe at a jersey made up of forest green, white, and splashes of red and gold—the colors of the Minnesota Wild. "Is this..."

"Official. From the team itself."

Lips trembling, Kendall lifted the heavy material out and turned it around to read his last name on the back, along with signatures from each member of the current team. It had always been his dream to see his name on a true Wild jersey, and somehow James had known that. Tears tracked down his cheeks. "You're amazing."

"There's more."

"What?"

"In the box."

Kendall swallowed and gently set aside the jersey, then found the sheet of thick paper that had been resting underneath. It was a certificate naming him an honorary member of the team, signed by the team's head coach and the commissioner of the NHL.

"They wanted to do a big ceremony and present you with all this, but I know how much you hate that sort of thing so I promised them video instead. You're a legend to them, Kendall. They watched you play in the minors and wanted you on the team so badly. Oh, we also have season passes to every game for the rest of your life. I think it's about time we got out to a game, don't you?"

Kendall couldn't speak. He was capable of no more than shaking his head as he read over the certificate, eyes pouring out emotion in the form of tears. James shut off the camera, then gently took the paper from him and set it on the table. He knelt before Kendall for the embrace that he knew was coming, Kendall shaking as he sobbed into James' neck. "I love you," he choked out.

"I know," James whispered. "I love you, too."

"Don't ever leave me, please don't ever leave me."

James hugged him tighter and rocked with him until he calmed down slightly. "That brings us to my next gift."

"No James, no more, I just want you to take me to bed and hold me. I need to know you're not going anywhere."

"Then sit back and let me talk."

"No, don't want to let go."

"I won't go far," James promised. It took another minute, but James finally freed himself from Kendall's grip. Already on his knees, he leaned back to reach into the pocket of his jeans for the tiny box he'd shoved in there, then settled back down on his heels again. "So even though I said yes to your proposal of marriage, you think there's someone else I want to be with."

"I can't help it, James. You're so perfect for me and I see you with him and see how he just knows what you need every second and it scares me."

"He _doesn't_ know, though. He can't give me what I need most in life, and it's about so much more than sex. It's everything. And that's what only you can give me."

Kendall bit his lip, emotionally distraught in a way he'd never been. He hated that James could do this to him, reduce him to begging. It made him feel weak. Nobody had ever reached this deeply into him before.

"You're worried that if it doesn't work out between Logan and Carlos, I'll be there for him. In a way, I would. But so would you. Because friends don't let others go through suffering alone. And that is what Logan is to both of us now—a friend. We both had more than that with him, we know what it's like. And yet we still couldn't stop thinking about each other and wishing we were together. I know what I'm missing with him now, and I don't ever want to go back to that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I realized a few days ago that me accepting your proposal, it changed something in my heart. Suddenly I belonged to you. I knew you wanted me enough to take that chance with me, to shut out every other possibility and say 'This is what I want and it's never going to change.' But you don't have that same reassurance, you're afraid I only ran to you because I was losing Logan."

"That's not—"

"It is, Kendall. So let me show you that isn't the case." James opened his hand to reveal the gray velvet box, then flipped it open so Kendall could see the silver band resting inside.

"Wait. You can't propose to me. I already proposed to you, there's no redo."

"This isn't a redo. Just because I said yes to you, that doesn't mean you're saying yes to me."

"Of course it does!"

"No. Here's what I'm offering you, Kendall. Forever. The promise that I believe in us enough to swear off all other men, including Logan, because I know that it doesn't get any better than this. I had what I thought I needed; I was so wrong. I felt it the second I looked into your eyes. We talked about that, remember? I didn't know it was you I was talking to, and...did you know it was me then?"

"No."

"Well, we know now. This is how it's supposed to be. This is _real._ When I go to bed at night, it's you I want to be with. When I wake up horny at 3 A.M., it's you I want next to me." James pulled Kendall down to whisper into his ear. _"In_ me." He was rewarded with a harsh breath followed by a shudder. "When I stand in front of a judge and promise my love and devotion forever, it's you I want to be staring at. And you _know_ I don't leave once I commit myself to someone."

"James, I need you."

"I'm here."

"No, now. I need you _now."_

"Can't we at least—"

James was bodily lifted off his knees, barely managing to keep hold of the box as Kendall shoved him over the back of the couch and dragged his jeans down forcefully. He reached under the cushion, where James had stowed a bottle of lube the previous week after a trip to the store to purchase enough to keep one in each room. They'd had so much sex since the beginning of winter break that James didn't need a lot of preparation, and it was a good thing since Kendall wasn't in the mood to be patient. He buried himself inside James with a feral groan, James arching into it in ecstasy.

"Is that a yes?"

"Swear it. Swear you want me and only me."

"Every second of every day."

Kendall set up a frenzied rhythm that spoke of his desperation to keep James at his side, to believe that this would never end. It was difficult to focus on anything else with his body experiencing so many sensations at once, but James worked the ring out of the box and let that fall to the carpet, then grabbed for Kendall's hand. He pulled it over his shoulder enough to slip the ring on, and Kendall came with a howl that threatened to shatter James' eardrums. A few thrusts against the back of the couch got James there, and once he could speak again he said, "I'm moving in. Before we go back to school."

"We'll cut our visit with Mom a little short."

James nodded. "Every time we fuck I swear it can't get better. And then the next time, it does."

Kendall kissed James' neck. "A lifetime of that. Think you can handle it?"

"I don't think I could handle life _without_ it."

James felt Kendall's lips curve into a smile. They were going to be just fine.


	44. Chapter 44

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Sooooo it appears I lied. But if I didn't know it was a lie at the time, is it still a lie? Turns out there's more of the story left than I realized, and if I post it all as one chapter it'll be way too long so...you get two more chapters! The last chapter will be a bit shorter and will be up sometime this week. Just not sure when yet. And my plans today include getting a lot of writing done on "Magic", so if that goes according to plan I'll post another chapter of that soon as well. We'll see how it goes!

Here's wishing you all a happy and harmonious 2019! I'm excited to see what the year will bring us all in terms of fic! Thanks for reading. :)

* * *

"What are you thinking about?"

James changed lanes before answering the question. "That I need to call Logan soon, because once we get to your house I won't want to face anyone on the outside for a week. You okay with me calling to wish him a Merry Christmas, or do I need to worry about your jealousy?" James teased.

"Oh shut up, you know you love that side of me. And you just wait until I get to know Carlos better and we start hanging out. We'll see who the jealous asshole is then."

"That's not even funny, Kendall."

"What, I'm not allowed to go out with friends but you are?" When James didn't have some stinging retort, Kendall looked at him more closely. "You're nervous."

"I am," James sighed. "I don't know how to tell him that I'm moving out. I mean, just because I'm ready to live without him on a daily basis, that doesn't mean he's ready. He and Carlos aren't at that level yet, you know? So he'll probably be lonely."

"He'll understand."

"I know. I just...I don't want to hurt his feelings."

"I think that forced you two to stay together longer than you needed to be. Just be honest with him. Doesn't Carlos stay over every night now anyway?"

"Yeah. Maybe you're right."

"I'm always right. Call him."

Because James was driving, Kendall placed the call from his own phone and put it on speaker. Logan's cheery voice made them both smile. "Merry Christmas, Coach!"

"Hey, Merry Christmas to you, too. How's it going so far?"

"Good. Carlos is taking me with him to Christmas dinner with his family, then we're going to stay the night at my mom's. I'm nervous about meeting everyone. And worried that Mom won't like Carlos, because in her eyes nobody can compare to James."

Thinking about the reason for Logan's initial attraction to Carlos, James promised, "That won't be a problem. She's going to love Carlos. I guarantee it."

"I hope so. It was weird waking up on Christmas morning without you," Logan admitted. "Last year you stayed over and...you know."

"Yeah." James glanced over at Kendall, who squeezed his hand in encouragement. "But this year you had Carlos, so..."

"And good morning sex. It doesn't get any better than that, does it?"

"The fact that those words are coming out of _your_ mouth...who are you, Logan Mitchell?"

"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

"You didn't, I understand exactly why he makes you crave things you never did before. So um...I don't really know how to say this."

"Figure it out fast, because Carlos should be back in a few minutes and then we're hitting the road."

James froze up. He managed another glance at Kendall, panicked because he knew Logan wasn't going to take this well. Maybe he shouldn't do this on Christmas Day.

"He's moving in with me," Kendall stated bluntly. "And he's worried about hurting your feelings and leaving you alone."

"Dammit, Kendall. Let me do it my way."

"If I did that, you'd never do it. Am I right, Logan?"

"So right," Logan laughed. "James, I've been expecting this since the day he proposed to you. I'm surprised it took you this long."

"Well, I wasn't sure how he'd feel about it, and I know how much we enjoy living together, and...really? You're not mad? Or upset?"

"I'm not either of those things. And because I knew you'd be freaking out over everything changing, I worked out a plan."

"A plan?" James echoed. "Oh god, here we go."

"Be quiet, and let me know if any of this isn't going to work for you. Kendall, same goes for you. We can tweak it if we need to."

"A plan?" Kendall repeated. "You made a plan for...what exactly?"

"So that we all get time together and nobody feels left out. James, Monday through Thursday we go back to the old routine. Meet up in my classroom for breakfast and coffee. I know how much you miss that."

James blushed, feeling Kendall's eyes on him. "I do."

"It was one of my favorite parts of our friendship, too. Obviously we all eat lunch together."

"Obviously," Kendall agreed. "And that works for me since I usually have breakfast with the other coaches."

"I didn't know that," James mused.

"We get together and discuss the scores and games from the night before. We rotate who brings donuts and coffee, it's kind of a...I don't know. Manly bonding thing."

James chuckled. "It's very you."

Getting them back on track, Logan continued, "So after school, we head over to our... _my_ place. Like always. Carlos stays at the school until about five every night working on the car, he says it's his happy place and he likes having the time to himself. Which is perfect for us, because Kendall leaves about the same time. So they can drive over together to enjoy the dinner you and I have prepared."

"I really do love cooking with you, ba—oh. Logan. The uh...the 'babe' thing needs to stop. I know I'll probably slip a few times, but it bothers Kendall."

"Carlos mentioned it last night. I didn't know how to tell you."

"Told you," Kendall crowed.

"Whatever." James smacked his fiance lightly. "So we can still have our daily hangouts at the apartment? Babe, you okay with that?" When neither replied, he clarified, "I was talking to you, Kendall."

"I'm fine with it. Even though I do tend to get jealous, I don't want to kill your friendship. I know you both need that. Plus I'm getting dinner every night; who am I to say no to that?"

Logan shared, "I didn't think you'd mind that. Obviously you two can go home after dinner, then we all get time alone with our men."

"The whole night," Kendall smiled. "I like this plan. So what about Friday and the weekend? Is that just up for grabs?"

"Honestly, that's up to you. I'd really love to continue our movie dates, but Friday is when all the car shows happen."

"So maybe that can be date night," James suggested. "And you two can do your movie Saturday."

"Kendall will have games part of the year, and I'll need time to catch up on schoolwork. I was thinking we could do it Sunday. And maybe you and Carlos can hang out, that's totally up to you. But I'd really like you to get to know him better, James. He's intimidated by you."

"By me?" James frowned. "Why? I'm always nice to him. Well...I mean, since we stopped being a thing."

"I know, but he feels like he stole you from me or something. Nothing I say gets through to him on that, I think it needs to come from you. And you two are a lot alike in some ways, so you'd probably have fun together. I don't want to force you to do anything, but if you wouldn't mind, maybe take him out sometime and just let him know there are no hard feelings?"

"What does he like besides cars?"

"Arcades. Hockey. Even if you just hang out here playing video games with him for a few hours, I think that would help."

"I can totally do that. And then we can all have dinner together or something. Unless we're sick of each other by the time Sunday rolls around."

"That's never gonna happen," Kendall argued. "But I will insist on an early dinner Sunday. Maybe we do lunch instead, so I get you to myself for the rest of the day. And you don't leave our bed."

James squirmed in the seat, fingers tightening on the steering wheel. "Lunch is best," he told Logan.

"Yeah, I thought that might be the case. I'm sure Carlos won't mind that either. He—hey, babe!" They could hear the smack of lips before, "Yeah, just wishing James and Kendall a Merry Christmas. What? Oh, I got your roasted chestnuts right here. I think we have just enough time for a quickie before we head out." That was followed by more kissing.

Kendall snickered while James shook his head. "How is this even the same person?" he whispered.

"Love will do that to you," Kendall grinned.

James rolled his eyes. "Hey, I'm hanging up now. Merry Christmas, guys!"

"Hold on, let me put you on speaker."

Once that was done, Carlos' voice came down the line. "Merry Christmas!"

"You too, Carlos! Hey, make sure Logan doesn't forget his jacket when you leave. He spends so much time worrying about everyone else that he forgets to worry about himself."

"Already learning that, buddy. Kendall! Did you get your present from James yet?"

"Uh...which one?"

"He did, Carlos," James assured him. "And he cried. I'll send you guys the video."

"James, nobody is ever going to see that video."

"The Wild already has."

"I hate you."

James lifted Kendall's hand to kiss the ring. "If I believed that for a second, I'd be devastated. You love me."

Because Kendall couldn't lie, he gave in and leaned over to kiss James' cheek. "There's a rest stop about a mile ahead," he whispered. "We need to pull over."

James bit his lip. "Logan, you still there?"

"Uh...sorry. Carlos was distracting me."

"We're about to pull over so I'll say goodbye. Tell your mom I miss her!"

"Tell your mom I don't! Kidding, please don't actually tell her that."

"You're safe," James laughed. "I'll call you when we're back in town. Love you."

"Love you guys, too. And Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for making this his best Christmas ever. I've never seen him so happy."

Kendall didn't doubt that for a second. "My moms says the same thing about me. Guess we're stuck with each other."

James wouldn't change it for the world.

* * *

 _ **SIX MONTHS LATER**_

Fifteen minutes before the end of third period, which was drama class for James, Kendall stepped into the smaller auditorium they used for rehearsal. James felt him immediately even though his back had been to the door. He spun around in surprise, as Kendall rarely visited him in the classroom, and noted that Kendall's expression showed they needed to talk. As it was the last day of school the students weren't doing much more than sitting near the stage chatting anyway, so James excused himself and met Kendall near the back row of seats.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, everything's fine. But I didn't want this getting to you from someone else, because I know you'll freak out and want to go rip Kalvert a new one and even though it's your last day here anyway, I want you to leave the school on good terms. You never know what's gonna happen out there in the spotlight."

James said nothing about that, instead focusing on whatever Principal Kalvert might've done to piss his fiance off. "Did he say something to you?"

Kendall glanced over James' shoulder toward the students, who were trying hard to pretend they weren't watching. Knowledge of their relationship had been steadily growing around the school, but since neither confirmed anything, it was all still nothing more than rumors. "I'm more worried about you and how this might impact your career."

"We'll talk about that later. What happened?"

Kendall led James into one of the aisles, boldly taking his hand to guide him to a seat. At this point was there really any need to keep up pretenses? "He knows about us."

"Half the school knows about us. What did he say?"

"Apparently he got a call from the father of one of my kids. The man is concerned that someone who finds boys attractive is working with his son."

"Fuck," James muttered. "That's exactly what you were afraid of."

"Yep. Kalvert said he'd been hearing rumors for months and stayed out of it, but when a parent forced his hand he had to take action."

"Action? What the fuck does that mean? Did he threaten you?"

James stood up as if to storm off and give the man hell. Having been ready for it, Kendall quickly grabbed his hand and pulled him back down. "He didn't threaten me, he just warned me that if he gets too many complaints he'll have to let me go. It's not like I'm on tenure or anything."

"He's a fucking idiot. You got the team to state! Next year it's nationals, I know that with everything in me, and I can't believe he would be stupid enough to throw that chance away. He was gushing over you six months ago!"

"I know. It's not his fault, James. He has to do what's right in the eyes of the parents, and if they believe I'm a danger to their kids, he can't just ignore the problem."

"You're not a problem! This is bullshit, he can't fire you!"

"Babe. Shh. The kids are listening."

"I don't give a fuck! They love you as much as I do. Everyone here loves you. Kalvert has to know that. The parents are assholes if they can't see it."

"Look, I just wanted to tell you that it's reached the administration. And if it's gone that far, the public is close behind. I know you're recording your album over the summer and I don't want this to cause you any problems."

"Babe...I'm not worried about it."

"Since when?"

James bit his lip, nervous now. He looked toward the stage and the kids averted their eyes, but he'd seen enough to know most of them were concerned. Just like Kendall's boys, his students had grown to love him. "I made some decisions today. I've been thinking a lot about my future over the past week, and today kind of...I know what I want."

"Haven't you always?"

"No. I knew what I _thought_ I wanted. Just like with Logan. I thought I knew what I needed, but I was wrong. I—"

The ringing of the bell interrupted the speech he was about to launch into.

"Damn, I have to get back, my free period's over."

"And mine's just starting. Can you spare me ten more minutes?"

"Uh..." Kendall thought fast, then sent a text through to one of the other P.E. teachers. "I'll get Handley to cover me for a few."

"Thanks. It's important."

James moved into the aisle to say goodbye to the students who were walking out of the auditorium, and in effect out of his life. He was touched and surprised when not one passed him toward the exit; instead they gathered around and formed a line of sorts so they could each have a moment to thank him for all that he'd taught them and for the champion he'd been in their lives.

Kendall watched the slow procession, pride filling him as he listened to the students. Most of them hugged James before they left, and a few even had cards or gifts for him. His fiance was having trouble keeping the tears at bay. He stepped close enough to lay a hand on James' shoulder, knowing it would steady him. James reached back to touch him, nothing more than a brief pat to his thigh, but Kendall read it for the gratitude it was.

After the door closed behind the final student, Kendall snatched the small packages out of James' hand and crushed him to his chest, where James promptly collapsed. "I know," he soothed as James cried. "I know it's hard to say goodbye. But your dreams are so close now, babe."

James wiped his eyes on Kendall's shoulder. "Come on. Let's go talk in the choir room."

It was James' favorite place on campus. Kendall led him there by the hand, sensing that James needed the reassurance at the moment. They only encountered one person along the way, an art teacher who smiled as she nodded at them. When they were alone in the room, Kendall wondered where to set the gifts. James pointed to a pile on top of the closed piano.

"I see your choir group loves you, too."

"They all do," James sniffed. "It...I was so overwhelmed. I had no idea I made such an impact on them. I knew how much I cared about them, but I didn't know...I mean, I only moved here for a fresh start. A stepping stone on my way to the top, you know?"

"Yeah," Kendall nodded. "Does anyone ever come in here during your free period?"

"Only Thomas. But he won't be back until after lunch, he's in a meeting about next year's plans. I can't believe they're already working on that."

Hoping they were safe from prying eyes, Kendall sank down onto the piano bench and pulled James onto his lap sideways so that he could hug his waist. "And you wish you were there with them."

"I just...I didn't think I'd miss this place so much when I left. Wait, so what ended up happening with Kalvert? Did he say anything about next year?"

"Well, actually when he said he'd have to let me go, I asked who would make that final decision. He didn't get it at first, until I reminded him that the superintendent has to approve all hirings and firings."

"Oh. OH." James suddenly got it. "And of course Jake would never fire you for being gay."

"Jake has been in that position for over twenty years and everyone on the school board loves him. They'd never vote him out. All it would take is one phone call from me to Coach, and Jake would step in on my behalf. I know this because Coach has already promised that."

"He did? You called him today?"

"No, I asked him months ago what would happen should this day ever come. He discussed it with Jake, and they promised me that after taking the team to state, the district isn't willing to lose me. He said they'd take on any parents who had a problem with it."

"Wait, so...all this time you could've come out and it would be fine?"

"Well, I don't know if it would be fine. Obviously keeping it under wraps would just be easier all around."

"Do your kids know?"

"Most of them. I'm sure that's how the parent found out. One of my kids probably mentioned it and...honestly I think I know exactly who it was and why the parent flipped out."

"Nathan?"

"Yep. He told me he was planning to come out to his dad last night, and if I know Nathan, he said something like 'Coach is gay and he's one of the greatest guys I've ever known!'"

"I do love Nathan," James chuckled. "That's probably exactly how it went down. And I'm sure he didn't mean anything to come back on you."

"No. But I am going to ask him when he stops in later, because he promised to tell me how it went."

"Don't be hard on him. That kid idolizes you."

"Of course not, I'm going to be extremely proud of him. And also...a little ashamed. Because he had the guts to do it and I still haven't."

"Okay, so...about that." James shifted into a more comfortable position on Kendall's lap, Kendall humming at the motion.

"Bad time for that, babe."

"Well if you weren't such a horndog and needing it every five seconds..."

"Stop acting like that annoys you. I'm not the one who's begged for sex in the equipment room...how many times now? I'm the one who always says no. I'm the smart one."

"You're also the one who can't keep his hands off me. A hand on my shoulder, a hand on my back, an arm around my neck...really, it's no wonder everyone's figured it out."

"So I like to touch you, sue me."

"You also have this insane need to claim me and let the world know I'm taken."

"Again, stop acting like you hate it. I'm running out of time, talk to me."

"Okay, so you know that my dream was always to be in the spotlight. To perform and have everyone love me and...all of that. The accolades, the awards, the adoration."

Kendall nodded.

"But you know what I've discovered over the past...wow, it's almost been two years since I started here."

"Crazy, isn't it?"

"That life doesn't even feel like it was me living it. It's like...this is the life I was supposed to live. The rest was all...a dress rehearsal and this is the actual play."

"So the fame was practice to get you ready for me?" Kendall smirked.

"Not just you, everybody. Logan, Carlos, Lucy...the entire staff and student body. But what I've learned is that more than even performing, I love to write songs. _That's_ where my passion is. Putting my feelings into words. And nothing fulfills me more than watching these kids grow and change and become better versions of themselves with my help. Did you see Kara, the last girl I talked to?"

"Yeah, she was crying pretty hard at the thought of never seeing you again."

"You should've seen her when I started here. She could barely open her mouth on a stage, she was so shy and scared of her own voice. In our spring musical this year, she played the lead and killed it."

"I remember. She was fantastic."

"And I'm not taking all the credit, but I know I had a part in that. I worked with her one-on-one until she was able to step into herself and be confident instead of hiding from the world. I did that. And look at her now."

Kendall offered James a sweet smile. "I know exactly how you feel."

"I don't want it to end," James admitted. "I could be up there singing on a stage to hordes of strangers, or I could be right here helping others to do that and watching them come alive. It took me a long time to figure it out, but this is where I want to be."

"Really?" Kendall tightened his hold on James' waist. "Don't say something like that without meaning it, because I'm already dreading this place without you and if you get my hopes up that you're staying and then back out..."

"Thomas wants to retire."

"Oh."

"We talked about it this morning. He doesn't want me to go. I don't have any kind of teaching credentials, so I don't know what they're thinking in—"

"Can I tell you a secret?"

"What?"

"I don't either."

James gaped at him. "You don't?"

"Nope. When would I have had time to do all that?"

"I don't know, when you were recovering from the injury?"

"No, James. Jake and Coach made this happen for me. I guarantee they'll make it work for you."

"But if anyone questioned it, they'd be in trouble."

"Jake's not worried about it. He'll be retiring in a few years anyway. You got this choir to first place in the regional competition this year—"

"But Thomas had to take credit as the instructor."

"So what? It's just like with the hockey, babe. The people who matter know how much you put into this school. They'll do what they can to keep you. Plus, it makes more kids want to come here since you're semi-famous and all."

"It's funny you say that. Do you know what one of the biggest reasons I want to stay here is?"

"Besides the hope that I might one day fuck you in the equipment room?"

"Besides that," James laughed. "It's Katie."

"Katie?"

"Yep. She'll be here next year and I don't want to miss a second of that."

"She's not musical in the slightest. Nor can she act."

"I don't care. She's my sister and I want to be here with her."

"She won't be your sister until you marry me, hot stuff."

"Which is why I've decided on a summer wedding. I was thinking my birthday. I know that only gives us about six weeks to plan it, but there's nothing I'd rather do to celebrate my life than vow to share the rest of it with you."

Finally James had rendered Kendall speechless. His shocked face had James wishing he'd somehow been recording this.

"Does that work for you? Or did you already make elaborate plans for my birthday that we can't back out of?"

"James, please don't joke about this. You know that marrying you is...it's..."

"What I want for my birthday. And I seem to recall you saying just last week you'd get me whatever I wanted for that."

Kendall swallowed hard, blinking against tears that were determined to spill over. "If we get married, there's no more hiding this. Everyone knows."

"I don't have a public to worry about anymore, not if I stay here. Nobody cares if the damn drama and choir teacher is gay. And if what you say is true and your job is secure, you don't have to worry about it, either." Kendall stared up in silence. "Marry me, Kendall. Make me part of your family for real."

"Are you...you're not gonna change your mind? You're sure about this?"

"I'm sure about you. About us. Make me a true Knight."

Kendall buried his face in James' chest, and James pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "So yes? You're giving me my birthday wish?"

All Kendall could do was nod while shaking in James' arms. It was answer enough.


	45. Chapter 45

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Well, here we are. The final chapter. I can't believe this one has 45, that's just crazy. This story ended up longer than I had originally imagined it would be, and I'm just glad it finally made it off my hard drive after six years and became an actual story instead of an idea I started and then abandoned. It changed a lot along the way, but I'm happy with the way it turned out. I hope you are, too.

I can't thank all of you enough for reading this, and especially a huge thank you goes to Side1ways, Guest, winterschild11, and EpicallyObsessed for all the reviews and cheerleading I so needed to keep me motivated. And a thank you for my beta, who (when I actually gave her the chance to) helped make the story more understandable.

I'm kind of sad to be posting this because now it's over. I think this is one of my favorites that I've written. I remember that my point (in this newer version) was to write a love triangle between Jagan, Kames, and Kogan. I did that and it was fun. But in the end, everyone ended up where they were supposed to be; they just didn't know there was a missing piece to their puzzle until a certain auto shop teacher came into their lives. :P

Thanks, guys. I love you for reading this. :)

* * *

The second Lucy joined them at the lunch table, James cleared his throat. "You all have plans on July 16th, so clear your calendars now."

Logan paused in the act of removing a sandwich from his cooler. "That's your birthday. Are we going somewhere?"

"Probably not far," Kendall answered. He slid a pudding cup over to James, who had moved his chair much closer than normal.

Lucy's gaze narrowed on Kendall. "You've been crying. What's going on?"

"It was happy crying," James promised. "His dream just came true."

Carlos frowned. "You somehow got a look into the future and saw that the team's gonna win nationals next year?"

"Better," James grinned.

"Oh my god," Lucy suddenly blurted. "You're getting married!"

She was loud enough that most of the room silenced and turned to stare at the table. James' cheeks flushed but Kendall smiled at Lucy and nodded. "It's still not a good idea to put everything on blast, so a little discretion would be appreciated."

"Sorry," she whispered. "But for real? It's happening?"

"It's happening," James confirmed. "And just so you all know, I'm not leaving to pursue a singing career. I've decided that the career I want is right here. I discussed everything with Thomas and Kalvert, and it's agreed that I'm the best person to take over when Thomas retires. So I'm officially in training for that as of next year."

"But James," Logan started, "your songs. I know how much they mean to you."

"And I'm still gonna write them. Probably end up selling them to other artists. I can be famous in that way. What I really want is...this. All of it. You guys, the school, the students..."

"His husband," Kendall inserted.

"Oh god, you're going to be insufferable," Carlos groaned. "We should start a drinking game where every time Kendall says the word 'husband' or reminds us that he's getting married, we take a shot."

"Oh, let him be excited," James laughed. "He's wanted this since the day we met."

Kendall agreed, "In a roundabout sort of way, I guess that's true."

"I'd better be your best man," Lucy demanded.

"Uh..."

James jumped in. "I wanted you to be my maid of honor. Logan can be best man."

Lucy blinked. "You don't want a best man?"

"Well, when I thought it all through, I wanted Katie in the wedding, too. I mean, can you imagine if we tried to leave her out?"

"It would be a nightmare," Kendall shuddered. "I want Coach in the wedding, so I can pair her up with him. He always said he wished she was a boy so she could play on a team."

"She'd be scary on the ice," James nodded, then got back to his point. "But since we all know I'm the girl in this relationship, it makes sense that I'd have bridesmaids instead. We can go pick out dresses together and get our hair done. Let Kendall have the groomsmen."

Carlos grinned. "You're wearing a wedding dress?"

"No, of course not! But I think it would be fun to spend a day with the girls doing all that. And you guys could...do whatever men do for weddings."

"I'm totally in charge of that bachelor party."

Logan elbowed Carlos. "That's my job as the best man."

"Come on, babe, no offense but you'd probably do something...you know..."

"Boring?" Logan prompted.

"No, I just meant...Lucy, back me up here."

"I'm staying out of this. Kendall, here. Jo sent along an extra biscuit for you since you love them so much."

"Oh, her biscuits are the best. Tell her thank you. And Logan, I trust you with whatever you plan for a bachelor party."

"That's because I know you and know what you want. I promise, Carlos, it will be everything Kendall wants."

"Which means James will probably pop out of a cake."

Kendall paused after taking a bite from the biscuit, turning to study James. "Would he be naked?"

"Nope," Logan answered. "He'll be wearing those white pants that have you staring at his ass every time he wears them."

James smirked. "I didn't think you knew that, Logan."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Everyone knows it, James. And I think getting married on your birthday is a bad idea."

"Why? It's my birthday wish."

"Okay but what if it doesn't last and twenty years from now you're crying every time you have a birthday? No offense, Kendall, but nothing's set in stone."

"This is." He silenced Lucy's rebuttal with a stern look. "When we say I do, it's forever."

Logan nodded. "It's true. Those two...they don't mess around."

Kendall's arm slid across James' shoulders. "I wouldn't say that."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Okay but you were the one who just told me you need to be discreet. Yet you're putting your arm around him."

Carlos pointed out, "Oldman and Hicks are dating, and they kiss in here every day. Nobody cares."

"They're also heterosexual," Lucy stated. "It's a double standard, but there are still rules about PDA in the workplace. I'm just saying that even if you're out, you can be fired for too much of it. Especially in front of students."

"I wouldn't kiss James in front of students. We hardly even touch outside of this room."

"Or outside of the equipment room," Logan smirked. "Did you finally crack him on that, James?"

"Nope."

Kendall shook his head. "I'm possessive, not stupid. That would for sure get me fired. I'm going to see if we can swing the same free period next year. Almost an hour for us to drive off-campus and...prepare lesson plans."

"Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?" Carlos giggled. "Logan, you should've told me that. You always claim to need alone time for your _lesson plans_."

"That's because I'm actually planning lessons! Some of us don't need sex three times a day."

"Says the guy who wouldn't let me shower this morning until I'd banged him."

"Carlos, can we keep some secrets please?"

"Sure, I won't tell them about that time I came home with grease all over my shirt and you—"

"Carlos!"

Carlos winked at him. He loved pushing Logan's buttons.

"Um...Kendall?"

Everyone looked toward the soft voice, surprised when Susan hunkered down next to James. She kept the volume low and asked, "Did I hear right? You two are getting married?"

They all held their breath until James nodded and admitted, "We are."

"I just wanted to say congratulations. I've been watching you two fall in love and I always rooted for you to be together."

"Thank you," James said with feeling. "I know I haven't always been the nicest person around here, but...you always tried with me. When I started here, you were the first one to welcome me warmly. And I don't know if you'd want to go, but we'd love to have you at our wedding. It's next month."

"Of course I'll be there. I know the road ahead won't be easy for you two, but I'm not the only one here who wishes you happiness. If anyone gives you trouble, let me know."

Lucy nodded proudly. "Susan, I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Lucy."

"I know who you are," Susan laughed. "We all know you. Again, congratulations, boys."

"Thanks," Kendall replied, a tad choked up as Susan walked away. "I always liked her."

"What do you think she meant by that?" Lucy wondered. "'We all know you.' Should I be offended?"

Logan laughed before reaching across Carlos to pat her hand. "It just means you're unforgettable. And I look forward to dancing with you at the wedding."

His heart suddenly more full than it had ever been, James leaned into Kendall and rested his head on his fiance's shoulder. Kendall hugged James closer with one arm and said, "I'm so happy you decided to stay here, Mr. Knight. We're going to inspire so many students to greatness."

Nothing sounded like a better life than that.

* * *

"Oh, I think they're about to do the bouquet toss."

Kendall looked up from his second piece of cake. He'd hardly eaten any of the actual food, being too busy thanking guests, but the hunger finally hit and he couldn't resist. He stared across the table now at the group of girls rushing onto the dance floor. "Why is Katie out there? She's not even in high school and she's already thinking about getting married?"

Logan shrugged. "You know how it is, teenage girls dream about their wedding."

"Did you know she has a thing for Patrick on my team?"

"I did. It was obvious with the way she watched him during the last two games."

"How did I miss it?"

"Well, you weren't sitting in the stands with us. You were on the ice."

"Okay but even James missed it."

"Again, _you_ were on the ice. James never looked anywhere else when that was the case. Funny, I always took it as his obsession with hockey. It was right there in front of me from day one and I missed it, so don't feel bad about Katie."

"I guess we see what we want to see. Where's Carlos?"

"Not sure. He was here two minutes ago. James really looks good."

"Right? I could just pound him right there on the dance floor."

"The white tux was a nice touch. We'll pretend it's because he wanted to fill in the role of the bride."

"It's totally because he knows what tight white pants do to me. I think he likes teasing me."

"I'm sure of it. He's probably tickled by the idea that every time he moves, you want to bend him over but can't until tonight."

"Asshole. What the hell are they waiting for?"

"Knowing James, he's just prolonging it so you can stare at his ass longer." Logan sipped at a glass of sparkling cider, which Kendall had insisted on as it was a throwback to their first date. "I have to admit, I didn't think you guys knew this many people. I expected a tiny wedding."

"Well it's not huge by any standards, but the fan contest helped."

"I thought that was neat," Logan nodded. "I bet those fans were ecstatic to be invited to James Diamond's wedding. Did he choose them randomly?"

"Nope. Each one is a fan who tweeted him encouragement about coming out before he actually did. I think it was his way of thanking them."

"That's nice. But it's not the only reason they're here." When Kendall looked at him in question, Logan asked, "He didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"That he wanted them here so they would post pictures and get a buzz on social media."

"I thought he was done with the whole fame thing."

"It's not about the fame, Kendall. He just wants to show you off. He told me that he wants the world to know how much he loves you."

Kendall's lashes fluttered rapidly. "He said that?"

"He did. Don't cry at your own wedding."

"Oh, like James hasn't twenty times already."

"That's your fault. You started it with the carnations."

"I couldn't resist," Kendall grinned. "Something about Mrs. Gibson's story touched me, and I knew James would love it. Plus it made for a cheaper bouquet."

"You gonna buy him one every year like her husband did?"

"Try and stop me. I'm gonna blow him on our dining room table every year, too."

"Oooookay."

"He never told you about that? The day I asked him to marry me, I'd just blown him. I proposed before he even had his pants up."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me at all."

"Shut up, it's romantic."

"Whatever works for you two."

Kendall grinned again, eyes following the globes of James' ass every time he shifted. "Do you ever miss him? Be honest with me. Do you ever think you made the wrong choice?"

"Honestly? Right now I'm relieved that I didn't stay with him because then I'd have to dance with Brooke."

Kendall cracked up. "Come on, she's not that bad."

"Only because she loves you. The woman never liked me."

"That's not true, she did! We actually talked about it just today."

"You did?" Curious, Logan turned to face Kendall. "About me?"

"Yeah. She came in to see how I was doing, wanted to make sure I wasn't going to abort the mission and run. I told her that if she thought I would ever even dream of leaving James, she didn't know me very well. She said something about how she'd known from the moment we met that I was perfect for James and that she liked you a lot but was glad I'd...how did she put it? 'Knocked some sense into my son's head.' She admitted that she liked you, Logan."

"Just not as her son's boyfriend."

"You can't fault her for seeing the truth."

"I don't. She still scares me, though. And to answer your question, no. I never think I made the wrong choice. I basically still have all the things I loved about James before we dated. Probably the only thing I miss, and that's rarely, is holding him. Every once in awhile I think about how that felt, falling asleep with him, and...I admit it. I miss it sometimes. But I'd never give up Carlos for that."

"I can understand that," Kendall conceded. "Falling asleep with him is one of the things I love most in life. He's just...secure. Warm."

"He's something special, all right. And I hope you know that if I thought you weren't right for him or that you wouldn't take care of him, I would've stopped this wedding."

"Ha. I'd like to see you try."

"I would've planted a seed, Kendall. I know him that well."

"You know who I know well? Carlos. And I'm going to tell you now that he's itching to propose to you. This wedding is only making it worse."

"He's aware that I won't even consider the idea until we've been dating for two years."

"I'm just saying, he's made his decision. He's ready."

"Well, he can just wait."

"Really? Do you honestly think he isn't the man you're going to marry?"

"No, I know he is."

"Then why make him wait?"

"I don't know. Marrying someone just because you're sure in the moment...that's not very rational."

"Neither is getting a handjob on school property, but that didn't stop you."

Logan's jaw dropped. "I swear you two bring that up every chance you get. Can we let that go now?"

"I'm just making a point."

"Marriage isn't something that you do and then it's over. Marriage is forever."

"I'm aware of that. That's exactly why we're sitting in this room right now staring at my husband's perfect ass. Is there ever going to be a time when you don't want Carlos?"

"No."

"What are you afraid of?"

Logan was quiet. Excited squeals reached them and they saw that whatever the holdup was, the bouquet toss was now about to begin. "What if there's a time he doesn't want me?" he finally admitted. "What if he changes his mind and realizes I'm not the one he wants to marry? That's my fear."

The discussion halted as they watched James turn away from the group of girls. Facing Kendall now, he winked. Kendall pursed his lips into a kiss and mouthed, "I love you." James responded with that radiant grin and called out, "Are you guys ready?!"

The girls loudly informed him they were.

James bent down slightly, then arched back and tossed the flowers behind him and toward the waiting crowd. Suddenly a body ran in out of nowhere and flung itself sideways to fly across the space. Carlos snatched the bouquet out of the air and landed on his back, skidding a few feet but then holding up the flowers with a victorious whoop.

"No fair!" Katie yelled. "He's not even a girl!"

Carlos didn't seem to care, though. He stood up and dusted himself off, then smiled over at Logan with a gleam in his eye.

"You were saying?" Kendall remarked dryly.

Logan couldn't look away from Carlos, who gestured to the side with his head in a clear "meet me outside" message. Without hesitation, Logan rose and headed for the door.

James slowly approached the table and leaned across it to whisper, "I saw you checking out my ass. I know you want it."

"You're killing me with those pants."

"I had a thought earlier."

"Does it have to do with getting you _out_ of those pants?"

"As a matter of fact, it does."

"I'm all ears, Mr. Knight. Please share."

"Remember when we first started talking? Our infamous Hangman game?"

"Like I'd ever forget that."

"I beat you that day. Remember what my final puzzle was?"

Kendall closed his eyes, overheated and squeezing his thighs together as if that would somehow curb the lust springing to life. "Fuck you up against a wall."

"Mmm. I knew you'd remember."

Some of the fire died. "I know how badly you want that, and we can try it but I just don't think I'm steady enough to brace myself for the kind of action you're looking for."

James bent across the table and nibbled at Kendall's ear. "I am."

A shiver raced down Kendall's spine when he understood what James was getting at. "Really? You want to fuck me?"

"You're mine now. I own you."

"Babe, if you don't stop talking like that I'm gonna come all over this nice lace tablecloth."

"As much as I'd love to see that happen, you owe my mother a dance right now."

 _Fuck._ "Now? We're doing the mother-son dance _now?"_

James kissed Kendall's lips softly, lingering just enough to show he wanted so much more. "Try not to come all over her satin dress."

"You're fucking evil."

"I'm gonna pound you into the fucking wall." With a swish of his hips, James spun away and sashayed toward Jennifer, feeling Kendall's eyes follow him and knowing that there had never been a man who wanted him more.

Knowing also that it would always be like this, James thrived on the feeling. He'd come to this place searching for his heart, and via a long road with many twists and turns, he'd found it. When he next saw Kendall, his husband was smiling as he spun his new mother-in-law slowly around the floor, Brooke's delighted laughter reaching them while Jennifer said again how happy she was that James had come into Kendall's life.

His heart full, James couldn't agree more.


End file.
